The Tattler caught up with Treetop‘s favorite son in a dingy bistro several blocks from the United States Capitol building. There, Senator Belfry sat in a booth in the back of the room, shrouded in darkness. The Senator had reluctantly agreed to talk on the record regarding some ethics issues that have recently come to light and got right to the point.
“If you’re not an insider it’s not insider trading, it’s just trading.” The Senator’s opening gambit was impressive. “Those Wall St. bigwigs are insiders. Martha Stewart is an insider. Once you run for office and are elected your not an insider, can’t be done son, you’re a member of Congress.” While the Senator fashioned his cocktail napkin into an origami effigy of a Rolls Royce “Phantom” he continued. “If I vote for legislation that makes a company stronger, it benefits everyone who holds stock in that company, not just me. I can’t control what information comes across my desk. That information and how I move my money around are two completely different things. My investments are extremely diverse. For instance, I just purchased the small Eastern European nation of Moronia as a vacation retreat. It was one of those tiny countries that, after the collapse of the Soviet Union, had no interest in revisiting its ethnic heritage or in self-determination. Moronians are basically a lazy people and I picked the place up for a song. Now, that ain’t insider stuff, but it’s deductible, ha ha.”
Straying far enough from the point that the Hubble space telescope wouldn’t be able to locate it, Belfry continued; “There’s no sugarcoating the harsh winters in Moronia, and of course, there are the vampires. But summers there are beautiful, with the peasant girls lazing in the fields instead of working. Remarkably, they all bear a striking resemblance to K. D. Lang…it’s a “guy” paradise. I’m changing the name of the place to BELFRYDISTAN, and I’m going to be “Emperor Emeritus.”
“Naturally, I’m going to retain my Senate seat. And if you ever want some stock tips, well… maybe you could snap up one of those little countries while they last. I’m told that a lot of my colleagues are looking.”