In an interview conducted in the vegetable department at a Brattleboro, Vt. Whole Foods, broccoli is crying foul. “Broccoli is completely non-partisan,” the vegetable that looks likes little trees moaned, “broccoli is blameless.”
Ever since Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia compared the “individual mandate” aspect of President Obama’s health care plan to the government forcing people to buy broccoli, the vegetable feels it has been getting a bum rap. “Lots of people love broccoli, other people eat it because their moms won’t let them have dessert unless they finish their veggies, either way broccoli is not a tax!”
Having heretofore led a quiet life, traveling from supermarket shelves to dinner
tables, the modest, unassuming vegetable (loaded with vitamins) is clearly not used to the rough and tumble life of Washington politics. “This Scalia comment has Republicans all over the country taking the broccoli pledge. It’s making life worse than being overcooked and mushy.”
While Republican lawmakers are quoting Justice Scalia right and left, but mostly right, liberals across the nation who had formerly championed the wholesome food are currently shunning the vegetable. One recovering hippie who asked not to be identified ranted, “Did you know Rush Limbaugh drenches his broccoli in hot fudge? I rest my case. You want a hit of this?”
Wayne Bing, President of The American Council For The Advancement Of Broccoli (ACAB), described himself as “devastated." “The sight of John Boehner in that foam broccoli hat (in the manner of Green Bay Packers cheeseheads) is still keeping me up at night.”
Word from inside The Beltway is that the novelty hats, which have actually been impregnated with the odor of cooking broccoli, will soon be issued to every Republican member of congress and will be worn until “Obamacare” goes down in flames.
In a statement issued from a "Hedonism" resort somewhere in the South China Sea, respected political analyst John Stewart observed, “You can’t tell where the hat ends and Mitch McConnell begins.”