Election For Sale! No Discount Coupons Accepted

On the political front, headlines at this stage in the Presidential campaign are reading something like this, “ROMNEY OUT RAISES OBAMA 3 TO 1 IN JUNE.”

Every day there’s new super PAC news, including a nascent lesbian super PAC, and hopefully soon, a comic strip writers super PAC. There are the Hollywood fundraisers, and for not-so-comic relief, the assorted billionaires who make headlines by throwing truckloads of money at their favorite candidate.

These people donate lots of money they’ll never miss to promote their own self-interests and think we should shut up and “just say thank you.” People who make tax-deductible charitable donations are also pretty sure the rest of us owe them piles of gratitude and should stop griping.

The question is, what’s up with this cynical flaw in the American character that has people thinking that it’s all about the money? What’s wrong with you? Do you actually think that the person with the most money will become President? You disgust me! This is a democracy. We had founding fathers and everything. They wrote a Constitution, a bill of rights and… what? Not the kind of bill you’re used to? More familiar with the other kind.

Don’t worry… some special interest group will be waving The Bill of Rights in your face soon enough, to justify some kind of extreme BS or another. But the point is that in a democracy the best man, a good and decent man with the best ideas and high moral fiber, will become president. What? Can’t find one to run? They’re out there somewhere... they just don’t have super PACs behind them.

The good news is that before long everyone in America will be part of a super PAC. Super PAC affiliation will replace voting as the way we choose people for office. No more trudging down to the polls, possibly crowded, possibly in bad weather, with flawed technology and hanging chads. All that will be a thing of the past. Just join the super PAC of your choice, get out your checkbook, write them a fat one, sit back in your easy chair, turn on the TV and watch the best man win.

What, no dough to spew into a super PAC? Well, be grateful that there are people with plenty of money who’ll do that for you. No, not “for you” in the sense that they’ll ask you who you want for this office and then donate to that candidate in your name. They’ll do it “for you” in the sense that they’ll throw their money at their candidate and buy his way into office. And of course, you should be grateful.

Thanks rich guys!