Rep. Todd Akin took a bite out of a size 10 Tom McCann penny loafer before he responded, “First you get used to the taste, and then you really begin to like it. It’s kinda like fine wine… or crow!”
Akin, running for a seat in the US Senate, went on to try to explain his propagation of a medical myth that no half-bright third grader would believe. “When the Easter Bunny told me that, he was wearing scrubs and had a stethoscope around his neck, it seemed credible enough to me.” The candidate went on, “Listen, that line worked great in college (St. Lucy’s School of Perpetual Ignorance). If I had a dollar for every time I told a gal, “don’t worry honey, it’ll be ok… just concentrate and you won’t get pregnant, I’d have enough dough to finance my campaign.”
The phrase, “jumping ship” scarcely begins to describe the response of Akin’s fellow Republicans to his stunning, now infamous, brain fart. Everyone from Mitt Romney to Karl Rove has called on Akin to quit his Senate race and go back to medical school. “With a few more facts at his disposal, we think Todd will have a lot to give to the healthcare industry,” Newt Gingrich suggested.
Not all lawmakers are down on Akin. Insiders are saying that Rep. Kevin Yoder (R) Kansas, has had a large bouquet of roses and a box of Fanny Farmer chocolates delivered to Akin’s Missouri campaign headquarters. A Yoder aide quipped, “Todd’s timing couldn’t have been better for us. I mean, how do you take the spotlight off a drunken congressman skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee?”
Congressman Yoder’s unfortunate lapse of decorum occurred during a junket sponsored by a group promoting US/Israel relations. Galilee, the sea that scripture tells us is where Jesus walked on water, is not the usual place for spring break type high jinks. A Galilee lifeguard who identified himself as Ari stipulated that there’s nothing especially illegal in swimming in the buff, but Yoder’s escapade has given birth to a new Galilee water sport. “Now everyone’s trying to walk on water. No one really wants to immerse themselves in a body of water where a United States Congressman went swimming “commando.”