Yo, Chrome Dome!

The scientific community piqued the interest of men all over the world this week when it was announced that vitamin D might prove to be a remedy for baldness. In laboratory studies, scientists have been able to grow human hair on bald mice, an achievement that looks exactly as disgusting as it sounds. If research proves successful, men will no longer be walking into barbershops hoping to get the “Matt Lauer,” and come out with the “Benito Mussolini.”

The current shaved head fashion trend has been a blessing for the folliclely challenged. For those who are willing to embrace baldness, life is good. Everyone else will be shampooing with salmon fat until a commercial product becomes available.

Fish oils and other fish products are an excellent source of vitamin D as is milk and, of course, the reasonably priced sunshine.

Unfortunately some people are lactose intolerant and, stranger still, some men’s life partners don’t fancy them smelling like dead fish 24 hours a day. This leaves sunshine as a viable option and pharmaceutical companies are scrambling to patent the potential hair growing miracle drug. The manufactures of Viagra and Cialis have both send legions of lawyers on the march. “It’s un-American that something with this kind of market potential should be free,” raged Pfizer spokesman Randi Bing.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that if sunshine cured baldness, no one would be bald, the major players in the drug industry are coming close to having a psychotic break over possible lost profits due to the “free sun” issue. Industry observers are suggesting that their sensitivity could be attributed to a misplaced reaction to the current aspirin situation. Bing raged that with all new benefits being attributed to the common aspirin, “If the world made any sense we’d be able to start charging $100 per tablet. Where’s the fairness? God, what a headache.” At which point he chewed down an entire bottle of Tylenol.