THE NAKED TATTLER

BREAKING NEWS – In an unprecedented abuse of first amendment rights the Justice Department has seized The Treetops Tattler's phone records. A terse statement issued by Tattler Editor P. Martin Shoemaker indicated that it was a good thing that it was the Tattler's First Amendment rights that were breached, as that was as high as most of the staff could count.

Justice Department spokesman Leonard Charles contended that they were only hoping to find the number of a good pizza parlor. "It's remarkable how little substance there was in the records. Apart from Chinese restaurants and pizza parlors there was an enormous volume of chatter about bowling scores and one reporter would call his bartender eight or nine times a day because he missed him.

Charles continued, "We were heartened to find that another reporter was so deeply involved in animal rights issues that he had to call the race track several times a day, presumably to check on the well being of the horses. He also made many horse related calls to phone numbers we couldn't nail down… PETA and veterinarians I guess."

"We found that the head of the Tattler Weather Bureau was constantly going on long, aimless walks to no location in particular. I believe he referred to them as, "fact finding missions."

"We also couldn't help but notice that the Chief Political Correspondent was on a "watch list" and not allowed in any public buildings in Washington D.C. and was, also, on a "no fly" list for any planes destined for the nation's capitol."

"It seems that the cartoon editor has never been to the Treetops office and works out of a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location." By way of explanation, Shoemaker would only comment, "There have been threats."