CHEER UP

Normally bellicose North Korean despot Kim Jong Un is said to be in the depths of a deep depression since the US has been too preoccupied by domestic terrorism and natural disasters to wring its national hands over temper tantrums thrown half a world away.

While intelligence sources confirm that North Korea now has missiles with enough range to reach North Korea, the unhappy Kim seems reluctant to "pull the trigger." His personal therapist, a former veterinarian from Woody Creek, Colorado, Randi Bing, suggests that it's in everyone's best interest to get the young leader up and ranting again. "He hasn't shaken his fists in weeks, I haven't even seen the veins in his forehead for days. I'm really worried. The world is really safest when he's threatening to destroy it… or asleep."

Pyongyang insiders are lamenting that Kim had been secretly hoping to have made the cover of "People" magazine by May, in a run-up to next years "Time" magazine's person of the year issue. "He very much wants to meet Beyonce and since conquering America was seen as something of a long shot. Kim thought that if they were in the same issue of People she'd start taking his calls." Jay-Z is said to be unconcerned.

Bing lamented, "He's even beginning to think his dream of being a centerfold is unrealistic…he's burned all his Polariods!"

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has convened a Security Council session to address Kim's funk, "We have to cheer this guy up, we're running out of insane dictators to fill his shoes… I never thought I'd hear myself say that!"

A delegation is being sent to talk to Hef at "the mansion." The Secretary General waxed optimistic, "Hef's been cheering young men up for decades."