YOU, ME, VERIZON AND THE NSA

First – The NSA (National Security Agency) would like you to know that we're very proud of you for calling your mom three times a week. It's just right, you keep her posted but no one's hovering. You're a good son.

But unfortunately, the gang here feels that you're ordering out too often. So much pizza and Chinese food can't be good and how about your wallet? Some of us have chipped in and bought you a nice, basic cookbook. We'll leave it next time we're at your apartment upgrading the surveillance equipment. No thanks required, you'll never know we were there.

We're also a little concerned about your girlfriend. A few of our female coworkers think you might be smothering her. There's something called too much of a good thing. You're not kids… calling every single night reeks of insecurity. Also, there's that number she's been calling a lot. We're not at liberty to divulge any details but let's just say…don't drive her away.

Speaking of driving someone away… you're calling your shrink an awful lot. And every time you call him, right after you hang up, he gets on the phone and calls his own shrink… long calls.
I'm just sayin…

Oh… and that bill collector isn't going anywhere. Two words, "caller I. D." Or is that three words?

Another thing…hang-up calls to the free clinic that specializes in sexually transmitted diseases is creepy. If you've got a problem, just cowboy up and get yourself down there. These people do this sort of thing all day every day. Don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of. And once again…think about your girl.

That's about it for now. If you have questions just call anyone at all and ask them… we'll get back to you.