Hummer Becomes A Bummer

Auto industry executives are poised to replace the soon-to-disappear Hummer with a new model designed to reflect the current state of U.S. manufacturing – the Bummer.

The macho Hummer, introduced in 1992 with the backing of a certain heavily-accented actor-governor from the Left Coast, has gone to the big impound lot in the sky, with sales falling like approval ratings for Congress.

“We were looking for a replacement vehicle that might combine the waste and inefficiency of the Hummer with the lack of dependability of a Saab and the recall potential of the Toyota,” said auto industry consultant Edsall W. Brakeshaft.

The Hummer will be tough to match. It was too big to park, got about 12 miles per gallon, tore up highway surfaces and frightened your VWs and your minivans.

“The cool thing is that because the Hummer was classified as a truck it skipped over a lot of those pesky safety regulations, like safety locks for kids and stability control,” said Brakeshaft.

“Stability control is for wimps,” said Gale Yaborough of the nonprofit Institute for Big Car Wrecks.

“The Hummer was originally designed to be driven near the Arctic Circle, so of course it was perfect for driving on I-95 in New Jersey.”

The Bummer will be less ambitious, auto experts say.

“Stuff will not work too well but it will be the small stuff,” said Brakeshaft. “The glove compartment won’t close, the tires will stay out of alignment – you’ll never get it through inspection the first time.”