Most Pizza Deals Don't Add Up

Pizza industry officials acknowledge that the ferocious competition among pizza chains for shares of the $30 billion market has led to a growing revenue crisis.

“Turns out we’ve been giving the darn things away,” said Leonard Foccacio, a spokesman for the Guido Pizza Institute in Boonton, New Jersey.

“Frankly we got a little carried away with the two-for-one and three-for-one and the extra toppings and the free hot wings and the cinnamon rolls and the two-liter freebie of soda pop.”

Weary, bloated Americans have endured hours of TV ads assuring them they could get two Small pizzas with every Large pizza, free breadsticks with an Extra Large, free garlic fingers with every four-topping “Specialty” pizza and a bundle of cheese sticks and a discount coupon with every “Ultimate” pie.

“By the time the Winter Olympics were over, our research showed that 17 percent of Americans believed the head of the company would bring the pizza to their house,” said Foccacio.

The annual “Stuffed Crusts” report issued by the Guido Pizza Institute indicates that there are roughly 70,000 pizza outlets in the U.S. The study shows that every man, woman and child consumes an average of 46 pizza slices per year and that 82% of those asked believe the pizza in their home town was better.

“Looks like we’ve been giving our customers about $12 worth of fat and cholesterol for every $10 we charge them,” Foccacio said. “You can do that in Washington, but not with fast food.”