Pizza industry officials acknowledge that the ferocious competition among pizza chains for shares of the $30 billion market has led to a growing revenue crisis.

“Turns out we’ve been giving the darn things away,” said Leonard Foccacio, a spokesman for the Guido Pizza Institute in Boonton, New Jersey.

“Frankly we got a little carried away with the two-for-one and three-for-one and the extra toppings and the free hot wings and the cinnamon rolls and the two-liter freebie of soda pop.”

Weary, bloated Americans have endured hours of TV ads assuring them they could get two Small pizzas with every Large pizza, free breadsticks with an Extra Large, free garlic fingers with every four-topping “Specialty” pizza and a bundle of cheese sticks and a discount coupon with every “Ultimate” pie.

“By the time the Winter Olympics were over, our research showed that 17 percent of Americans believed the head of the company would bring the pizza to their house,” said Foccacio.

The annual “Stuffed Crusts” report issued by the Guido Pizza Institute indicates that there are roughly 70,000 pizza outlets in the U.S. The study shows that every man, woman and child consumes an average of 46 pizza slices per year and that 82% of those asked believe the pizza in their home town was better.

“Looks like we’ve been giving our customers about $12 worth of fat and cholesterol for every $10 we charge them,” Foccacio said. “You can do that in Washington, but not with fast food.”

Professional tennis players from the small countries of the world, those ones you can’t even pronounce, all agree on one thing: the location of professional tennis tournaments needs to change.

Tournaments are currently held in a select group of European countries and the United States, and players from Tiwihita, Hebekistan, and Nuhara are joining together to form the Players for the Relocation of Tennis Tournaments (PRTT).

“I’m tired of hanging out in the same cities every year - Paris, New York, London - it’s time we go for more exotic locations,” said Nuharan tennis pro Ludwig Leddleton.

So where does the PRTT want to move the tournaments to? Well, they aren’t just looking for a simple change of country.

“I say we try underwater tennis. Just throw on some scuba gear, and you’ve got a much more exciting game than the old, regular tennis,” remarked Yaroslav Wzelbecha, a player from Hezbekistan.

“I love the underwater idea - it’s definitely time to spice it up a bit,” responded Tiwihitan Togo Gafika, currently the 456th ranked tennis player in the world.

PRTT members also call for a change of location to make tournaments fairer by literally taking the crowd out of it. Representing the countries that nobody can find on a map, they believe that their big-country rivals have an advantage playing in their home countries.

“Getting booed at every event is really getting old,” commented Leddleton. “I think we should play on the moon. Zero gravity, space suits - it doesn’t get much better than that.”

Auto industry executives are poised to replace the soon-to-disappear Hummer with a new model designed to reflect the current state of U.S. manufacturing – the Bummer.

The macho Hummer, introduced in 1992 with the backing of a certain heavily-accented actor-governor from the Left Coast, has gone to the big impound lot in the sky, with sales falling like approval ratings for Congress.

“We were looking for a replacement vehicle that might combine the waste and inefficiency of the Hummer with the lack of dependability of a Saab and the recall potential of the Toyota,” said auto industry consultant Edsall W. Brakeshaft.

The Hummer will be tough to match. It was too big to park, got about 12 miles per gallon, tore up highway surfaces and frightened your VWs and your minivans.

“The cool thing is that because the Hummer was classified as a truck it skipped over a lot of those pesky safety regulations, like safety locks for kids and stability control,” said Brakeshaft.

“Stability control is for wimps,” said Gale Yaborough of the nonprofit Institute for Big Car Wrecks.

“The Hummer was originally designed to be driven near the Arctic Circle, so of course it was perfect for driving on I-95 in New Jersey.”

The Bummer will be less ambitious, auto experts say.

“Stuff will not work too well but it will be the small stuff,” said Brakeshaft. “The glove compartment won’t close, the tires will stay out of alignment – you’ll never get it through inspection the first time.”

Thousands of kids are expected to mass outside a sprawling Cineplex in suburban Chicago next week to protest attacks on their favorite food – the hot dog.

“We like hot dogs,’ said group spokeskid Fenway Park, who is seven years old.

“We like them pretty much three times a day, usually with fries, and we don’t want some vegetable-eating grownups messing with our faves.”

A national medical organization has called for a redesign of the hot dog to protect against accidents while ingesting the encased meat product, which was invented in Germany (frankfurter) or in Austria (wiener) or in Coney Island N.Y. in 1870 or at the World’s Fair in Chicago in 1893.

“Don’t care,” said Fenway’s little sister, Tiffany, clutching a juice box. “If there aren’t any hot dogs when we go to the movies or the mall or the beach, well, let’s just say Mom and Dad won’t get a moment’s peace.”

Parents are taking the threats to their peace and quiet seriously. There’s little doubt hot dogs are wildly popular with the younger set.

“Sophisticated market research tells us that we sell like a gazillion hot dogs every week,” said a spokeswoman for a sausage organization in New York City with a really long name.

“We don’t ask for much,” said Fenway Park. “A few video games, a big screen TV, a cool phone when we get a little older, maybe a puppy. But we have our limits. Don’t mess with the hot dogs.”

Eva Langourous, a well-educated mother of two in McLean Va., is furious about the recall of the Amish built fireplace mantle she purchased after seeing it advertised in a Sunday newspaper magazine supplement.

“It looked so warm and cozy in the paper,” said Langourous, who bought a second heater for her beach house.

“It’s not like we bought a Japanese car or a killer baby stroller,” she said. “I mean, it’s Amish. It’s like hearing about a fudge recall.”

Problems with the electric space heaters came as a shock to thousands of upper-middle class Americans who didn’t know they had bought an electric space heater.

“It looked so wood stove-y,” Ms. Langourous complained. “It has that wonderful fireplace glow."

“My husband and I didn’t care where the glow came from because we didn’t have to bother with a pesky chimney or vents or smoke or, like, wood.”

In Amish country, everyone was having a good chuckle over a cup of traditional Meadow tea.

“It’s a traditional Amish construction if you buy the idea that there are Amish people building electric space heaters in China,” said an Amish craftsman identified only as Zebediah.

Zebediah noted that traditional Amish people do not use electricity and most heat their homes with wood-burning cast-iron stoves or propane.

“If you want to buy something Amish that will keep you warm,” said Zebediah, “try buying a quilt.”

Some Members of Congress - but not many – are protesting an attempt by the banking industry to have all adult Americans wear their credit score numbers on their persons at all times.

“We think that Shaquille O’Neal has established the importance of the credit score for most Americans and we just want to take it to the next level,” said Casper W. Bayleout, a spokesperson for the bankers.

Bayleout said a few rounds of fresh campaign contributions would quiet congressional naysayers.

Under the new system, Americans would be given a handsome red, white and blue badge emblazoned with their credit score from one of the three main reporting agencies.

“We were batting this idea around back when we were counting all the money we got from the government rescue last year,” said Bayleout.

“Let’s face it, most Americans have about a gazillion dollars in credit card debt and we want them to be responsible, which is pretty funny when you think about it. I mean, we were about as responsible as a plague of locusts and we’re doing fine.”

The credit report system is scientifically designed to raise consumer blood pressure while protecting the backsides of mortgage lenders, landlords, car dealers, insurance companies and people who sell you bedroom sets that you will never finish paying for.

“It’s super,” said Bayleout. “People who watch those three teenage morons playing guitars on the TV commercials think the credit report folks work for them. It’s hilarious.”

Looking forward to the next Winter Games, the International Olympic Federation Advisory Panel on Making Up Snowy Sports (IOFAPMUSS) is planning to offer new events where international competitors shovel out their cars from under crippling snowstorms.

“We’re darned excited about it,’ said Panel spokesperson Sven Schusser.

“The fact that millions of Americans are digging out of various blizzards while curling teams are ramping up the excitement in Vancouver got us thinking.

“As we see it now, the competitors will be required to dig a recalled Toyota Camry out of six feet of snow. OK, two meters of snow. In the team competition, it’ll be a recalled Toyota Highlander SUV.”

Schusser said he expected the Japanese automakers would be willing to donate the recalled vehicles to the next Winter Games in Russia:

“We think this kind of event will appeal to real people, people who might be a little confused by your biathlon, your moguls and half pipe, your ice dancing. Why not digging out the car?”

Anthony “Big Mittens” Incantaloupo, a city sanitation department worker from the Northwest Side of Chicago, says he’s excited about the prospect of bringing home Olympic gold.

“What the heck,” he said. “In Chicago we’re shoveling the car out between October and the baseball season anyway.”

“Big Mittens” says he and his brother, Phil, plan to chase their Olympic dream.

“And we can show those Russians and Canadians a few things about moving the snow,” he said.

Parents and children in Rumandcoke, Utah discovered this week that their new library and community-learning center has no books.

“It’s the latest thing,” said Rumandcoke School Board President Orrin B. Lackberry. “The whole book thing is very Dewey Decimal System, isn’t it?

“Here at the new Learning Center we got a cyber-center. We got an outreach center. We got a cross-cultural center. Books on tape? Oh, yeah. Everything is wireless – not a darn wire in the whole place.

“We had some actual books over there in the Kids’ Corner but they seemed to get in the way of the video games and the kids watching Curious George, so we put ‘em in storage.”

Educators say the bookless library ends the logistical nightmare of people borrowing books and date-stamping them, taking them home and not returning them until Grandpa passes away.

“It’s a wonderful life,” said Rumandcoke Senior Database Manager Mary Hatch Bailey. “Everything gets run through a scanner, just like at Home Depot.

“We did have a few old crankypants types in here looking for books but we feel like they’ll get with the program. I mean, why read a book when you can have Brooke Shields or Weird Al Yankovic read it to you?”

Mr. Lackberry said those holding actual books from the old library will have until Memorial Day to return them or be fined 29 cents.

“We did have that one book first week we opened,” said Lackberry. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ I think it was called. Somebody stole it.”

Officials planning for Super Bowl XLV next year in Texas say they are facing a shortage of aging, doddering rock bands to perform at the halftime show.

“We may have hit rock bottom, so to speak, with The Who this year in Miami,” said Super Bowl consultant Ryan Piecrust. “Let’s face it, they looked like the cast of ‘Cocoon.’”

In the early days Super Bowl halftimes featured college marching bands, the toothy, star-spangled Up with People troupe and, one year, Mickey Rooney. But in the last 20 years the search has been on for bands that may appeal to creaky Baby Boomers.

“Bruce Springsteen didn’t have his best night at the Super Bowl,” said Piecrust, “and the Rolling Stones, well, some people said they looked like drunk old women.”

The annual search for a legendary halftime band has produced, among others, Sir Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Aerosmith, Michael Jackson, Sting, Diana Ross, the Miami Sound Machine, ‘N Sync, P Diddy, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, No Doubt, New Kids on the Block and Janet Jackson, with Justin Timberlake.

“Remember Shania Twain?” asked Piecrust. “Really. Shania Twain. Super Bowl XXXVII in San Diego.

“Now we’re taking another look at Styx, Blur Oyster Cult, Electric Light Orchestra, maybe Grand Funk Railroad. Some of the newer bands are just as bad without ever being good, but, hey, we have a tradition.”

In his first interview since arriving in China, celebrity giant panda Tai Shan told the Panda News Network (PNN) that he had enjoyed his stay in the United States but found the people confusing.

“They’re nice and all, but kind of crazy,” the four-year-old ailuropoda melanoleuca said. “Apparently every one of them owns a camera phone and they just about drove me nuts in the panda enclosure.”

Tai Shan, who will be living at the Panda Breeding Base, said he found many of the American children at the National Zoo loud and unruly.

“Screaming and yelling, throwing stuff when I was trying to catch a little nap in the tree, that kind of thing,” he said.

“It got old. I tried to talk to the handlers but, hey, we were moving the panda T-shirts and the slurpy cups. Business is business.”

The panda said he had to adjust to the mysterious ways of the locals.

“They’re freaked out by snowstorms, makes them crazy,” he said. “And some football team called the Washington Redskins. They go on and on about them.”

Tai Shan had kind words for his American handlers but said he could never get them to stop giving him huge frozen popsicles made of fruits and vegetables.

“I think it was a language problem,’ he said. “The ice, man, it was killing my teeth. I mean, pandas live in the jungle. Hello.”

As for the future, Tai Shan is a key player in China’s panda breeding program.

“Hey, someone has to do it,” he said.

Early this morning Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, chief reporter for The Treetops-Tattler, was arrested for refusing to reveal the source of his shocking story about the true identity of Bo, the White House dog.

Fishhawk's story, first published in The Treetops-Tattler, disclosed startling information about Bo that the White House claims is classified top-secret for national security reasons. When pressed to reveal his source, Fishhawk declined and was dragged off, kicking and screaming, to the Treetops County Jail.

Fishhawk, a 32-year veteran journalist, was then brought before a judge at the Inferior Court of Treetops where he continued his refusal to disclose and was found in contempt of court. He is being held without bond and will remain in custody until he complies.

I, P. Martin Shoemaker, publisher of The Treetops-Tattler, stand firmly behind my reporter during the crisis. I ardently believe in the First Amendment right to freedom of the press and will continue to support the Perfesser for as long as it takes… unless I find out that this is some kind of sleazy trick he's pulled to get out of work.

We all remember the story. As a reward to his daughters Sasha and Malia, President Obama, on election night promised them a dog. That dog turned out to be Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog who, according to the White House website, was a gift from Senator and Mrs. Kennedy.

However, The TreetopsTattler.com has uncovered surprising information about Bo. It seems that his origin may indeed be a deep cover story planted by a super-secret and possibly foreign government agency for, until now, unfathomable reasons.

An anonymous source has revealed this shocking fact. When Bo first entered the White House, he was covered with bugs. And we're not talking about the kind with wings and legs. We're talking ultra-sophisticated state-of-the-art listening devices.

Our source further disclosed that while scrambling to trace the origin of these bugs, White House Security uncovered an even more startling revelation. Bo started life as a Russian Wolfhound.

The Tattler has learned that, prior to his adoption, Bo underwent radical cosmetic surgery, neural enhancements and special operative training which included the latest in canine martial arts, intense, in-depth language studies, and extremely advanced mathematics.

It is believed that Bo can understand and speak 53 feline dialects including those spoken by Persian, Maine Coon, Brooklyn Wooley, Burmilla Longhair, Sphynxamese, and Tonkinese cats. Bo also speaks fluent "dog" which is, of course, universal throughout the world. Woof.

How Bo will use his math skills is yet unclear but speculation persists that his mission may include international-level canine/feline diplomatic negotiations.

Could Bo be the dog who does the impossible? Could he bring an end to the state of war that has existed between cats and dogs for more than 6000 years?

Or could Bo be planning to use his enormous mathematical intellect to create a quantum state where cats are neither alive or dead? Just in a box someplace where they can't bother anybody?

Only time will tell.

As to stay in line with the ongoing trend of stylish political detachment and governmental ennui, Washington’s power elite and opposition figures alike have started hiring “speech-imparters” and “speech-sayers” along with their standard speechwriters and communication directors.

Recently, the nation’s key figures have been reaching out to famous screen actors, offering the professional thespian community part-time gigs as their “rhetoric proxies.” For an average fee of $65 a word, politicians are now reserving movie stars to deliver speeches so they don’t have to. Dennis Kucinich has praised the new idea as, “brilliant,” and stated that, “we can all finally get down to some serious legislating, now that we do not have to waste time at press conferences or at university lectures, anymore.”

However, some say this is about more than just increasing efficiency among senators and congressmen. According to an anonymous congressional aide, the recent development is actually about nothing more than, “political handlers finding an effective alternative to certain elected officials’ crushing inability to regurgitate formed sentences. I mean, seriously? Did you ever listen to Jimmy Carter talk? Or John Boehner, for that matter?”

He went on to say, “Also, it just makes things way easier on the ears of the speechwriter. I mean, I’ve always dreamt of the day that Daniel Day-Lewis would powerfully utter my written words.”

The trend has been sweeping the American political landscape. Yesterday, Mitt Romney hired Gary Busey as his official “oratory-communicator.” Three weeks ago, Nancy Pelosi hired Brigitte Anne-Marie Bardot. Joe Biden hired Brooke Shields last month. Scott Brown just hired Rob Lowe. And Arnold Schwarzenegger recently hired Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In related entertainment news, video of actors delivering such addresses and speeches is now eligible for submission for Academy Award consideration.

Under siege from irate consumers, Congress is moving to establish a Bureau of Permanent Poor Product Recall (BOPPR) to track the tsunami of broken, life-threatening and/or poisonous products now on the shelves.

“Had to recall some of those nice Japanese cars just the other week,” said Rep. Phineas T. Warranty, chairman of the House Select Committee on Broken Stuff. “Something about the accelerator pedal getting stuck. Heck of a thing.”

Experts say that product safety in the U.S. has never been better but many critics disagree.

“Hello, you got your cookie dough, your peanut butter, your cat food, your sugary breakfast cereal, your chocolate, your pistachios,” said Dawn O’Doom, a spokeswoman for Mothers Irate About Most Everything (MIME).

“At this point, going into the big box store for a few items is like driving drunk at the Indy 500.”

O’Doom noted that her favorite nail polish had recently been recalled and that scary scenarios abound:

“So you’re on your laptop eating a hamburger, drinking diet soda. You could be oh-for-three, my friend.

“Chances are good the laptop will catch fire while the ground beef is making you sick and as for the diet soda, well, the less said about coliform bacteria, the better.”

Members of Congress are concerned about recalls of baby strollers and toxic Santa costumes. But the latest call to action came after a recent multi-state recall of 1.24 million pounds of salami. Really.

“I myself enjoy salami,” said Congressman Warranty. “Maybe not so much now.”

Pharmaceutical industry insiders are reportedly developing a pill that will offer consumers one-stop shopping for the wide range of medical side effects discussed on prime-time television for many popular prescription drugs.

“We think people should get familiar with some of the ailments they hear so much about on TV,” said Dr. Milton Cookay, Senior Diagnostician at the Malpractice Institute of Technology (MIT) in Seventy-Nine Palms, Arizona adding, "One pill lets you experience practically everything!".

Dr. Cookay points out that millions of Americans are exposed night after night to an astounding range of side effects for treatment of thin eyelashes, depression, random pain, gray hair, sleep deprivation and other assorted malaises.

Some of those frequently discussed conditions include:
Dry eye, dry mouth, dry skin, dry scalp, hair and eyelash fallout, halitosis, sore feet, insomnia, gout, fatigue, chills, back pain, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, hives, sudden ugly mood swings, drowsiness, constipation, blurred vision, swelling of face and lips, agitation, hallucinations, flatulence, runny nose, sore gums, restless leg syndrome, jaundice, sinus pain, increased hunger and/or thirst, rapid weight gain.

“We’re not done,” said Dr. Cookay.

“There’s dehydration, boils, shin splints, impetigo, dandruff, heartburn, incontinence, memory loss, athlete’s foot, skin rash, bursitis, swollen ankles, age spots, frostbite, wheezing, tennis elbow, bunions, sore throat, ingrown toenails, the heartbreak of psoriasis, lethargy, waxy ears, patchy loss of skin color, hypothermia, male pattern baldness, stunted growth, hay fever, and sterility.

“Did I mention skin rash?”

With the opening of the Vancouver Winter Olympics just weeks away, some elite American athletes are concerned about spending two weeks in unfamiliar western Canada.

“Dude, I know it’s a pretty short plane ride but I don’t speak Canadian,” said Brady Falldown, one of the leading U.S. Half Pipe snowboarders. “I had no idea it was a like, you know, a foreign country.

“When I was a young dude I remember watching the Lillehammer Olympics and it was like in Denmark or France, I think. Which was cool. But what about the Canadian money?”

Confusion is not uncommon in the Winter Games. Surveys shows that most American sports fans, for example, believe the Nordic combine is a Swedish beauty contest rather than an Olympic event.

“Ice hockey, now that’s a sport,’ said Conan O’Connemara, owner of Cheese Pucks, the largest sports bar in Philadelphia.

“The rest of that Olympic stuff, your curling, your ice dancing, your biathlon. Please. We got 213 flat screen TVs in our joint.

“If our customers can’t see some Russians getting beaten up on the ice or a guy from Norway getting killed on the ski jump, well, we’re switching back to NBA basketball.”

Half-Piper Falldown remains concerned about Vancouver logistics:

“Some dude told me they’ve got a place in Canada – Montreal, I think - where they want everybody to speak French and have like an attitude about it. Whoa. Why are we doing the Olympic thing up there, man?

The billion-dollar box-office response to the blockbuster sci-fi adventure movie “Avatar” has film industry moguls talking about a change at the Academy Awards.

In the future, it appears the annual awards will be given in two categories: films with blue people in them and films with just regular people in them.

“Some people, mostly older people, are always going to want to look at Brad Pitt and Halle Berry and that’s fine,” said 17-year-old film blogger Todd Mezzanine.

Mezzanine predicts that Hollywood, Bollywood, the independent film community, HBO and even Woody Allen will soon climb aboard the blue bandwagon.

“You may think that human beings are as interesting as blue-skinned sapient humanoids from the moon Pandora near the planet Polyphemus but you would be, like, wrong,” he said.

Critics believe that Disney and animated films are in the best position to exploit the new blue standards, though it seems unlikely a new “Simpsons” movie will be produced, since the Simpsons are yellow.

“We don’t want to ignore the old fashioned movies without blue people,” said one Hollywood source. “Some of them are good. But, really, once you’ve seen ‘Avatar’ and the Na’vi people, who needs Julia Roberts?”

“Ze blue people, zey are fantastique,” said distinguished French film critic Pierre LeDucats. “Ze real human beings, zey are so boring, no? One day all ze films will be made with ze blue people.”

After over two centuries of formal attire consisting of post-colonial dandy chic and cheap pinstripes, the Senate yesterday instated a required dress code policy of “Casual Fridays” for all present senators.

“With health care, two wars, overseeing relief efforts in Haiti, a global fight against terror, and quietly expanding warrantless wiretapping, stressing us out to the hilt, we now see it as an imperative to finally say ‘yes’ to government sanctioned casual wear in the Capitol Dome,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “We think we’ll get more done if we’re basking in the many advantages of clothing comforts. At the very least, it will surely make C-SPAN coverage easier on the eyes.”

And in a recent Gallup poll, all eight American viewers of C-SPAN decidedly gave a “thumbs up” response to the recent implementation of Senate Casual Fridays.
Viewers particularly applauded C-SPAN's coverage of the latest convening of the armed services sub-committee, which showed the noticeably ebullient politicians decked-out in their varicolored Hawaiian wear, sombrero-esque beer helmets, and Don Johnson-style pastel.

However, in dissenting opinion, many in the press have taken to bashing the one-day-a-week suspension of uniformity. In a recent post for Talking Points Memo, veteran curmudgeon, muckraker Seymour Philips had this to say:
“Looks more like Casual FRUMP-days than anything I’ve ever seen before. The last thing I’ve ever wanted to get from my elected officials are views of mismatched week-old socks peaking through vintage huarache sandals.”

The decision to sell smaller, easier-to-swallow multivitamin tablets to America’s aging Baby Boomers has advertisers and consumer marketers thinking big – and small.

“Centrum Silver” is talking up its smaller tablet for the 50+ crowd and the message is being heard on Madison Ave, and elsewhere.

“These geezers need everything re-sized,” says Trisha von Ricecakes, a best-selling Manhattan trend spotter. “Smaller cars, bigger pants, smaller portions at dinner, bigger print to read the Wall Street Journal. The list goes on.

“Take Baby Boomer men. They want big pickup trucks, bigger flat screens and smaller cell phones. The phones get any smaller and these old guys are going to start swallowing them.”

Looking at the success of the “Silver” vitamin model, consumer experts note that over the years no generation has been pandered to more than the Baby Boomers.

“Remember ‘The New Coke?” asked Ricecakes. “The Boomers went nuts and it was like a revolution. Ever watch ’60 Minutes’? Every ad is for Boomers getting older. Hair loss, love life, insurance, take a cruise, what to do about Grandpa.”

“Most of these old people – some of them are nearly 60! – didn’t even know they couldn’t swallow the bigger vitamin pills,” said Todd Snarky, who heads up the Whiny Association of Gen-Xers (WAG).

Snarky, 31, says its time for society to stop sucking up to Baby Boomers, who just get on his nerves.

As the annual tax season nears, officials at the Internal Revenue Service are considering sending corporate gift cards to million of Americans as a form of tax refund.

“We’ve got like millions of checks to cut,” said Wilhelmina “Willie” Sutton, a financial adviser who consults with the IRS. “People get impatient waiting for that check.

“You got your check cashing problems and your snail mails and your banking bureaucracy. How about we just send people a card for Staples or WalMart or one of the other Big Box stores?”

Millions of Americans who get refunds have the money automatically deposited in their bank accounts.

“What’s the fun in that?” asks Gordon Grandguy, Senior Vice President for Moving Money Around at Big Purple Barney, a financial services company.

“You send them a nice gift card for Jiffy Lube or Bed Bath and Beyond or Outback Steak House and they plug the money right back into the economy. Maybe use it for the latest video game for the kid. It’s a win-win, babe.”

Government accountants are said to be in negotiations with hundreds of consumer-product companies to make the gift card program a reality.

Program names being considered include “Refund Rollover,” “Tax Time Treats” and “W-9 – It’s All Mine.”

“Hey, the Christmas season wasn’t all that great for a lot of these department stores and home-supply outlets,” said Grandguy. “Why wouldn’t they play ball?”

Casino hostesses, pancake house waitresses, nightclub managers, party planners, Hooters alumni and lingerie models of all descriptions have banded together to protest being “stereotyped” in the ongoing Tiger Woods imbroglio.

“There’s nothing funny about working in a pancake house and trying to meet a nice guy,” said Amber Smithwicks, a resort greeter from South Florida who is organizing a protest at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament.

“A nice looking young man comes into your place, well, you’re supposed to be hospitable, aren’t you?”

Smithwicks and her roommate, Bambi St. Pauli, complain that the news media has caused them emotional distress by portraying young women in the hospitality industry as too interested in meeting and greeting celebrities.

“It’s not like we throw ourselves at every rich guy that steps out of a limo,” said St.Pauli, a former assistant manager at Knickers Hot Lunch and part-time actress.

“It’s true we get the chance to meet any number of professional athletes, distinguished elected officials and Internet millionaires. I myself have socialized with a number of lottery winners from Nebraska and Delaware. Hey, it comes with the territory.”

Social commentators have noted a current tendency for wealthy male celebrities to spend time with young woman named Krystal, Dawn, Ginger, Nikki, Cheyenne, Asia, Jasmine, Destiny, Cinnamon, Lexi, Jaymee, Summer, Brandy, Diamond, Mercedes, Candace, Jade, Kendra and Peaches.

“That is like a total coincidence,” said Amber Smithwicks. “ I don’t work with any girls named Peaches.

A new virus has recently surfaced that is causing local medical practitioners great concern. A source close to a woman who lives two doors down from the cousin of a cook who is semi-friends with the daughter of a local Treetops doctor has hinted at a serious new threat facing birds everywhere.

The bizarre nature of this new virus, know locally as Hiptodiptocaucus, is alarming to say the least. While there are absolutely no outward signs of disease, the virus has a virtually endless number of symptoms.

The TreetopsTattler.com has uncovered a list of these symptoms that run the gamut of known and unknown complaints. We have supplied a partial list here:

• Hiptodiptocaucus may cause Canadian citizenship
• It is known to incite hiccups and hysteria in earthworms
• It inhibits the ability to sign checks
• It is known to accelerate inebriation in rabbits
• It brings on Woodstock bad acid flashbacks
• It has already caused serious Visa credit card "maxing"
• It forces infected victims to text in Russian.
• It turns Republicans into sanctimonious… wait, that may not be confined to this contagion.

If you have any of these symptoms or know anyone how does, contact your doctor at once. And above all, keep a straight face.

The most insidious aspect of Hiptodiptocaucus is that it is suspected of being transmitted by facebooking.

The TreetopsTattler.com will do its best to keep you informed once we get enough black coffee in the drunken rabbits.

Well folks, you heard it here first... another TreetopsTattler.com scoop.

Numerous unreliable sources have leaked big news on the Oprah front. It seems that the doyenne of daytime TV's move from Chicago and network TV to L.A. and her own health conscious, self help cable channel has a multi-dimensional spiritual intent.

The concept of Oprah's forthcoming cable presence came about as a joint venture with one of the most famous health gurus of our time, Deepak Chopra.

With their extraordinary business acumen already mingling, it came as no surprise to this reporter when Oprah and her ethereal collaborator announced their intention to enter into a spiritual union.

Oprah has assured her longtime fiancee, Steadman, that he has no need to worry since the up and coming union is strictly metaphysical.

The entire ceremony will take place on the Astral Plane allowing only enlightened beings to attend.

The TreetopsTattler.com has been able to confirm that Weird Al Yankovic will conduct the ceremony and also preform a parody of himself as the official entertainment.

While the location of the reception is highly classified, we're sure that the paparazzi press will descend en masse from all points of the globe.

Celebrity guests will be arriving via Astral Airways from as far away as Tau Ceti, where Elvis himself holds court.

Oprah will take on her spiritual partner's name and will be known in the future as Mrs. Oprah Chopra.

Pro football officials are considering dumping the practice of identifying Super Bowls by Roman numeral.

This year’s game, to be played in Tampa, will be the 44th Super Bowl (XLIV) and National Football League officials are concerned their fan base is getting confused.

“Let’s be honest,” said longtime NFL consultant Bronco Bobrowski. “We have millions of frat-boy fans who can barely add up their own fantasy league scores.

“It was fine when it was just III or V or XX. Now that we’re into the 40s it seems like a little too much for our crowd. We might as well announce the darn game in Latin.”

Using Roman numerals to identify the championship game came in the 1960s after an NFL team owner came up with the “Super Bowl” moniker. He had been watching his grandchildren play with a trendy toy called a “Super Ball.”

“Pretty scientific, huh?” said Bobrowski. “Good thing the kids weren’t playing with a Hula Hoop.”

Super Bowl I was played on Jan., XV, MCMLXVII, (Jan, 15, 1967) with the Green Bay Packers beating the Kansas City Chiefs, XXXV-X (35-10).

Since then, X Super Bowls have been played in New Orleans, IX have been played in the Miami area and VII in the Los Angeles area.

“Super Bowl 45 (XLV) will be in Texas in 2011 (MMXI),” said Bobrowski. “Maybe by then we’ll have figured out a way to make the Roman numerals go the way of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.

“I mean, what else does anybody remember about Super Bowl XXXVIII?”

Seeking to keep the forward momentum of the economy and banking on the success of the last stimulus plan, the president has extended the Cash for Clunkers Program to apply to spouses. Yes, that's right, you heard it here first at the Treetops-Tattler.com.

According to the president's spokesperson, "We needed to find a vast, untapped, festering resource, and it was right under our noses! The potential is unlimited in a very limited way!"

Imagine the spin off for collateral businesses. Lawyers overseeing divorces, restaurants packed with wooers, clothing retailers stripped bare as people seek to impress with re-dress, mouthwash and mint sales skyrocketing, home sales up everywhere. "Divorce used to be so dull and generally unrewarding. But now, can you say amicable?"

One noticeable casualty… business at cheap motels will be down as the necessity for affairs will be gone.

The government expects to pay $40,000 per decoupling. Applicants have to have been married at least 5 years. The new spouse must be more "fool-efficient" than the last one. Anybody with buyer's remorse prior to that has a lemon, not a clunker.

*Fine print: Prenups are null and void under this new arrangement. With apologies to any former media-maligned golf greats.

North Pole sources are spreading word of a major change in Santa Claus’ reindeer lineup once the 2009 global Yuletide season is complete.

“They had a good year but the team is old and slow and, well, its time for some fresh reindeer meat in the workshop,” said Kris Kindle, a noted North Pole blogger.

Santa and Mrs. Santa had no comment, but it’s known that Donner and Blitzen have changed agents since Thanksgiving and Vixen is said to be looking for a reality TV show opportunity.

“Think ‘Reindeer Wives of the Frozen North,’” said Kindle. “And I hear Dasher may go into coaching.”

“Comet has been in negotiations with a beer company for an endorsement deal and Prancer has always dreamed of opening a Christmas store in his old home town in Norway, which is pretty much frozen Alpine tundra. “

Rudolph, easily the best known of the reindeer crew, is rumored to be angry about the shakeup.

“The red-nosed guy is hot, no question,” Kindle said. “I mean, he’s been the go-to reindeer since 1939 or so and feels like he hasn’t lost a step.”

Word is Rudolph has been reluctant to accommodate new technology and a changing marketplace.

“Dancer and Cupid went to senior management a while ago when Rudolph refused to use a GPS system on Christmas Eve,” said Kindle. “He’s old school, no question.”

“He’s a pain,” said Morey, Senior Elf Adjutant at the North Pole. “Rudolph had a hip replacement a few years ago and didn’t tell us.”

“We’ve had teams of reindeer in the minor league training camps in the Yukon since the 1960s. Mark my words, next year you’re gonna see a whole new lineup ”

Pacific whales turned the tables recently on their increasingly frequent nemesis, the US Navy. A pod of highly motivated cetaceans "hacked" into the Navy sonar listening stations. Sonar is mainly used to detect vessels, torpedoes and mines. "At first, when they started playing with their new technology (ahem, new to them, we've been using it for millions of years), we thought it was funny. It distorted our voices to sound like, oh, I suppose the equivalent to you would be, a Cajun accent on helium. Then, as they got more "sophisticated", it became head bangingly painful! "The Navy sonar can reach levels of 235 dB's, which is enough to, in scientific terms, tear your ear drum a new one! "We've had entire pods LEAVE the water to get away from it! You guys call it beaching, we call it desperation."

An unlikely alliance of cetaceans, sperm whales, dolphins and orcas, banded together to deal with the ever increasing problem of noise pollution in the ocean. "The music of the ocean is crap now", chimed in a particularly animated dolphin. "You think rain on a tin roof sounds great, you should hear a storm on the ocean surface! We used to love going out to the ocean geysers and listening to them. The sound of the earth's tectonic plates moving against each other is haunting! But now?! It's tankers, drilling and sonar, oh my!" With dolphins and orcas maintaining perimeter security, the whales used a far more sophisticated ultra sonic frequency to, as they said, "shake it up a bit."

Naval submarines were beaching themselves around the entire pacific. The crew's i-pods (a term that really rankles a cetacean) were ear splitting. "We just wanted to give them a taste of their own medicine. The world is getting really crowded and there was bound to be blow back", especially from some very motivated blow holes!

They're setting their sites on the Japanese whaling industry next. "We want to capture some of their vessels, just for research porpoises, of course!"

A coalition of young urban professionals has called for government assistance with the indelible problem of tattoo removal.

“The time has come,” said Maisie Deltoid. “Millions of young Americans got tattoos on their arms, their ankles, their necks, their shoulders and lots of other places. It was all, like, a big mistake.”

Deltoid said she acquired a tattoo that reads “Darrell” while on spring break in Key West several years ago.

“He was just some random guy,” Deltoid said. “He took off on Labor Day. Now my Dad says he won’t pay for my wedding dress as long as he can read about Darrell on the back of my neck.”

Hordes of young Americans such as Maisie are permanently inked with Chinese symbols, barbed wire, hearts, butterflies, Pentagrams, dragons, shamrocks, the Grim Reaper, dollar signs, spiders, lightning bolts, Harley Davidson, names of old girlfriends, angels, Tweety birds, rattlesnakes, mermaids, aliens, pirates, American flags, Celtic crosses, signs of the Zodiac, names of old boyfriends, soccer heroes, logos of their favorite colleges, pro football teams and favorite divisions of the armed services.

“Mistakes were made,” said Omar Rorschach, a graphic designer who sports a tattoo of a killer whale on his Adam’s apple.

“We think maybe the government can give us some of the bailout money the banks don’t want to pay for getting rid of these things. I mean, the people in Human Resources are breathing down my neck.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a spokesperson for the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). “Right after we take all the Wall Street bonuses back.”

Tai Shan, the lovable, adorable, obese, tree-climbing giant panda housed at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. may seek political asylum in the United States after learning he’s being sent back to China.

“The little guy is pretty upset,” said a spokesman for the Visiting Asian Panda Association (VAPA).

“He’s gotten used to the big crowds of suburban Moms and their kids, and the American-style bamboo and the veggie popsicles they make for him at the Zoo.”

Tai Shan, 5, was apparently unaware of the deal between the two nations that called for to him be returned to China to take part in the panda-breeding program. Many Panda fans in the DC Beltway area are also upset with the decision.

“We are, like, totally outraged,” said Kendra Woodley Park, 11, who estimates she has taken 2700 photos of the panda on her cell phone. “Tai Shan is, like, totally cute and sending him back to China is, like, totally bogus.”

The panda is reportedly upset that he has not been consulted on breeding plans in China and that he will not be involved in the redesign of his Website.

“Tai wants to raise a family here in the States and several new marketing opportunities have presented themselves as he’s gotten older,” said the man from VAPA.

“We were looking at panda sunglasses – you know, the eyes – and a chain of drive-thru veggie takeouts called Tai Kwan Go.”

There are a number of flat-earth type scientists (also known as corporate smoke stacks) that maintain that we need more CO2 output, not less. The more carbon dioxide the greener the planet. Trees, apparently love CO2 ! Too much, apparently. Trees girth and height appear to be doubling and in some cases trebling in size. "I tremble at the trebling" exclaimed a trembling young man whose horizons appeared pretty limited already. The impact could be devastating to Man's environment. City sidewalks everywhere being uplifted by bulging roots. Rural septic systems clogged by increasingly thirsty trees. Wealthy landowners views OBSCURED !

Of, course bigger trees mean a larger appetite for, you guessed it, CO2.
Scientists from the oil and gas companies say that at this rate we may have trouble keeping up with demand for their increased consumption. This should lead to a stripping of pollution controls.

Tree huggers, unable to get a grip on the situation, are having to switch to shrubbery and are wilting at the term "bush hugger".

Who would have thought that clear cutting and burning the rain forest would make it grow faster?

We used to be able to control their growth with the growing newspaper industry but with newspapers in decline, what will keep these gas guzzling behemoths in check? Junk mail ? We'll need a lot more ! Loggers are lining up to save the planet.

Next time you're in a grocery line, ask for paper ! Double bag it !!!

Party planners and public relations experts around Washington are encouraging the White House to adopt a festival-seating approach to formal state dinners in the future.

A recent state dinner at the Obama White House was marred by the presence of two gate-crashers, raising questions about access and security, as well as good taste.

“It’s pretty clear that these days any blond in a red dress climbing out of a limo can sashay past the Secret Service,” said Mindy Ramaki, a prominent DC event planner.

“Our idea is to open the process up to the people, since the metal detectors seem to be pretty much ceremonial at this point.”

Ramaki, the Chief Hors d’oeuvres Officer (CH’O) for BYO Caterers, says that seating guests on a first-come, first-serve basis at state dinners would open up the process to people who really, really want to go to a state dinner.

“I read the official guest list,” she said. “A bunch of boring guys from Congress and paper-shufflers from the State Department and some Hollywood types.

“The gate-crashers? Hey, they’ve got a winery that’s out of business and about 100 pending lawsuits. The blond fibbed about being a pro football cheerleader. They’re colorful.”

A White House official, requesting anonymity, said it was not likely the Administration would adopt a rock-’n-roll approach to subsequent state dinners.

“OK, the last state dinner was in a tent but that was an exception,” he said. “It’s not a Kinks concert. We really don’t want people sitting on the lawn and holding up lighters while the President is giving a toast.”

According to numerous sources within the psychiatric community, it is believed that The Fed is obsessed with a bizarre form of GAMING MENTALITY. Specifically with the combining of Monopoly and Solitaire. 

To this pursuit, The Fed has bought up the world's existing supply of Monopoly games not to mention orchestrating a hostile takeover of the game's makers, Parker Brothers. The Fed then used the NSA, CIA, FBI and Homeland Security to track down and seize all privately owned Monopoly games. 

With this accomplished, The Fed found itself in the enviable position of controlling 649 gazillion Monopoly bucks and every little plastic hotel ever made. That's more liquidity then ever thought possible. Problem solved. Everything's cool. Give Ben Bernanke a second term.

Except for one teeny weeny little problem. As it turns out, the rest of the world HATES Monopoly. 

This unanticipated economic twist has caused a bit of concern at the top levels of government since it now appears that The Fed has to play Monopoly all by itself which is, of course, the very definition of Solitaire.

In yet another effort to tell American citizens whom to love, leading Republican lawmakers have recently authored a new bill proposing the nationalization of all existing and future eHarmony accounts. This new push to put the federal “kosher stamp” on American love comes on the heels of other proposals to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage and to protect the sanctity of matrimony.            

eHarmony, the online dating service for heterosexuals, was founded in Pasadena, California in 2000. Since it’s conception, leading conservatives have been pushing for more regulation and moral rectification.           

“One’s romantic life is like a box of chocolates... if you’re really, really, really allergic to chocolate,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “It’s just not American for the government to stand by and let certain frumps go on first dates with certain night traders. The online dating network has been more like ‘eHARM” since it’s introduction into the tubes of the World Wide Web. It’s like Craigslist, but with TV commercials.”           

In a surprising twist, Rudy Giuliani jumped at the opportunity to stand up for the proposed legislation, as well. “In a post-9/11 world, we can’t afford not to have eHarmony nationalized,” said Giuliani to The Treetops Tattler. “With every mismanaged couple, Al Qaeda wins.”

Producers for TV’s Dancing With the Stars and other shows with celebrity performers are running out of B-, C- and D-List performers, according to show business sources.

“Donny Osmond just won Dancing with the Stars, said Tinsel Town booking agent Shecky Wilshire. “Donny had a hit TV show with his sister Marie back in 1976. You do the math.”

For several years, Dancing has been peopled with long-in-the-capped-teeth, former sitcom stars, fading beauty queens, gimpy pro football players, drunken Olympic medalists from the ‘70s and ‘80s and members of the Baldwin family.

Now, observers fear the pool of talent – or no talent – is draining.

“We’re talking to a guy who played a limo driver in three episodes of The Sopranos and an actress who had a recurring role on Law & Order - Criminal Intent a few years back,” said Wilshire.

“We’re at rock bottom and it doesn’t look good on us. Anyone got Brigitte Nielsen’s phone number?”

These days, bookers are willing to look anywhere, including the world of politics.

“Tom Delay was pretty good on Dancing until he broke a heel,” said one Left Coast booker. “But we just got turned down by an ex-Lieutenant Governor of Oregon and Nancy Pelosi’s personal trainer. And we can’t find Bill Clinton’s brother, Roger.”

The booker said they were following up with a former quarterback for the Winnipeg Jets in the Canadian Football League, members of the cast of 21 Jump Street and the guy who played Joey on Friends.”

“Oh, for the days of Tonya Harding, Todd Bridges, Leif Garrett and the dark-haired chick from Three’s Company”, she said. “Those were the Golden Age of has-beens.”

The news that Oprah will end her TV Show in 2011 came as a shock to many but we at The Treetops-Tattler saw it coming.

After all, it was clearly predicted by the Mayan Calendar thousands of years ago. The Mayans realized that the impact of Oprah's announcement on civilization would be immense. The end of the world, also predicted by the Mayans, was clearly considered by them to be of far less significance, added almost as an afterthought.

However, The Tattler's research department has uncovered an astounding bit of information...

The Mayans, who are still considered the greatest celestial timekeepers the world has ever known, weren't downplaying the end of the world, they were just totally bummed out when they realized that there would apparently be no Oprah Show beyond 2011. Once this depressing concept sunk in, they saw no point to keeping their calendar going. They finally gave up altogether upon reaching December 23, 2012, not from lack of prognostication, but from heartbreak.

A world without Oprah?

Do not despair! Things are not as dire as the seem!

A source, close to the sister-in-law of a woman who once saw Oprah in person in a New York deli, reveals that Oprah will soon be starting her own planet. You heard right. Her own PLANET.

Planet Harpo will be right next door to Earth, complete with all the good things from the old planet PLUS, you guessed it, Oprah!

We, at The Tattler, are beside ourselves with joy and anticipation!

Stay tuned to Treetops-Tattler.com for more Oprah updates. We plan to stay on this story until the end of time.

A worker bee, who wishes to remain anonybuzz, has come forward to shed light on what has so far remained a mystery, colony collapse disorder (CCD). CCD is characterized as a complete depopulation of a bee hive with the disappearance of all the adult bees. The chief suspects include pesticides (imidicloprid), GMO's, cell phone tower microwave radiation, and forced migration to name a few. "Look, it's all of the above" exclaimed a clearly agitated informant who, under magnification and the influence of "influences", looked curiously like John Belushi. "They're putting fricken' nicotine in the pesticides they're using! It's a real buzz killer!"

As for the cell tower radiation, "I could find my way home with one wing tied behind my back, no problem. It's just that we can actually hear the conversations and they're so inane. Can you say drone? It's enough to make you want to sting your own tympanic membranes. Some of us are just trying to find a quiet place to chill."

"Have you ever tried to pollinate a genetically modified flower? NO? I didn't think so. Think having a passionate conversation about sports (or any subject) with Henry Kissinger. - Insanity with a german accent! Those scientists are messing with some really crazy sh*t. Our moral codes dictate a higher order of nature and we're just tired of propagating a lie."

A dirty little bee industry secret is the enslavement and forced migration of thousands of colonies around the US. "We never get paid, rarely get a day off, and if we do, we're on the road again. It can be a new orchard every week or so. We miss the seasons."

"Colony collapse disorder? I suppose, to the tiny self-centered mind of a human, sure. But, we like to consider it a 'worker bee revolt' against unsustainable conditions and total lack of reimbursement."

In what authorities are calling the first virtual bank robbery in American history, a bandit made off with nearly $40 million in virtual currency late yesterday afternoon.

The daring daylight heist occurred at a Newark, NJ bank when a man walked up to a teller window and held up his iPhone. On it was a photo of a 9mm automatic pistol.

The bank robber then said, "Give me all your money... and don’t try anything cute or I’ll show you a picture of the bullets!"

Brave but not foolish, the teller immediately raced to the bank’s main vault, used her own cell phone to photograph all the money stored there and zapped the multi-million-dollar snapshots to the robber, who was anxiously waiting at her teller window.

With virtual cash in hand, the robber raced into the street to escape in his virtual Maserati but quickly realized his getaway car was completely out of virtual gas.

Undaunted, he google-mapped the nearest subway entrance and disappeared.

With virtually no clues to go on, authorities were left scratching their collective heads.

Facing pungent competition from your Goudas, your Colbys, your Swiss, the U.S. cottage cheese industry is reportedly considering a name change.

“This is not your grandmother’s cottage cheese, or whatever we end up calling it,” said Jack Monterey, a nationally recognized cheese analyst. “We’ve got to get it off the diet plates and in there with your deli cheeses, your stinky cheeses, your Euro cheeses.”

Cheese historians tell us that the product is called cottage cheese because before the Civil War people made it in cottages, after the butter was churned.

“Crikey, how is some kid who grew up on microwaved Pop Tarts and kashi going to relate to that?” Monterey asked.

Monterey said that among the early suggestions were Condo Cheese, Co-Op Cheese and Townhouse Cheese, reflecting the historic housing theme while updating it.

“Not the way to cut the cheese,” said renowned cheese maker Stilton de Bleau. “They need to work on the marketing, to go big. Let’s face it, this stuff is little on the bland side.”

Not everyone is on board with the campaign.

“First of all: ick,” said cable TV celebrity chef Iris Fromages. “There isn’t enough sea salt or hot peppers or blueberries on the planet to make those curds interesting. Maybe they should call it Kurdish cheese. I wouldn’t eat it on death row.”

“They should leave well enough alone,” said Tommy Tapioca, a spokesman for Minimally Invasive Cheeses (MIC), a cheese activist group.

“A nice scoop of cottage cheese, a room-temperature canned peach and a lettuce leaf going brown - now that’s good eatin.’”

The U.S. airline industry today announced that it would immediately begin charging passengers for losing their luggage.

Industry spokesman Howard “Tough” Nuggies. said that effective immediately passengers would be charged $15 for the first bag lost by the airline. Each subsequent lost bag would cost the passenger $10.

Nuggies said that, with new technology that has been in development for years, the airlines will now be able to lose all baggage.

“We’re dedicated to 100 percent efficiency,” he said. “And we know we can do it.”

“As always,” added Nuggies, “we are doing this to serve our customers better. Think of the time people will save. No more waiting for hours at baggage claim! No more hoping against hope to see their pathetic little suitcase again. No more broken hearts.”

Nuggies said the program will be called “Check ’em and Forget ’em.”

Passengers will check their bags, pay the checked-bag fee and the lost-bag fee at the same time and then never worry about their bags again. Or, for that matter, ever see their bags again.

“What could be more convenient for everyone?” asked Nuggies. “Nothing! That’s what. And believe me, as soon as we figure out how to deliver ‘nothing’ — and charge for it — that’s exactly what you’ll get. Nothing!”

In a related development, airlines are also developing plans for charging passengers for losing their lunch.

“No more free barf bags,” said Nuggies. “You want to throw up, you can throw up on your own ... your own lap, that is.”

Today they call it the White House Rose Garden, but a recent discovery indicates perhaps it should have been called the Field of Dreams.

After a DEA drug-sniffing cocker spaniel began digging furiously during a presidential presentation, agents followed the pooch into a storage area in the basement, where they found clear evidence that the White House garden was once used to grow hemp.

Seeds found in an old paper bag in the back of a drawer of the desk used by Thomas Jefferson while he was president, will be used to return the Rose Garden to its original, natural state.

It is a well known fact that both Thomas Jefferson and George Washington grew large quantities of hemp on their estates. When they served their terms in the White House, hemp was a legal cash crop.

Several historic sources, who are dead but still wish to remain anonymous, ardently claim that not all the hemp grown at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, was used to make rope. Much of it was burned so White House staffers could stand in the smoke. Just for laughs. Or, as Jefferson said, “We hold these ... hee-hee-hee ... we hold these ... tee-hee! We hold these roaches to be ... ouch! Burned my fingers.”

A number of amendments to the constitution were actually written while standing around White House hemp bonfires. In fact, the original draft of the Bill of Rights had 14 amendments, but four were eliminated when everyone straightened out and realized they were gibberish.

“Congress shall make no law affected zibbledorp,” was the original text of the Eleventh Amendment.

The Fourteenth Amendment said, “Wow! Did thee ever really look at thy hand?”

Ben Franklin, always a head of his time, is given credit for inventing the bong using an empty wine barrel and a reed pulled from the Potomac River.

This may explain why Franklin was flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Although, again according to reliable sources, he swore, “I never inhaled.”

Or maybe he said “exhaled.”

In a bizarre turn of events, presidential dog, Bo, has changed the course of history, or at least held it up for a few days.

Late last evening, as President Obama was unwinding in the White House "Red Room" after a long day of perusing Afghanistan field reports and deciding whether it would be better for Rahm Emanuel to threaten John Boehner with a wood or aluminum bat, Bo, the all-too-precious family dog accidentally bit the president’s bill-signing hand. As a result, the process of turning poorly conceived piles of congressional paper into laws will be put on hold until at least Friday.

Sergeant Harvey Bark, duty officer attached to the West Wing Canine Cleanup Corps, better known as WWCCC, speculated that Bo was actually going for the double bacon cheeseburger the president was holding. If the president had scarfed down that burger like a normal American, this would never have happened. Instead, he was waving it around while trying to make some presidential point. Bo missed the point, but not the hand.

Caught off-guard by this unprecedented event, the Department of Homeland Security raised the national Terror Alert Level to the newly created “Scorching Indigo.”

One of the president's most ardent detractors, former Republican presidential candidate/pop-cultist Mitt Romney, was quick to exclaim, “This is a national disgrace! Ronald Reagan would never have allowed his own dog to bite him. I’m not even sure Jimmy Carter would have let that happen, and he was attacked by an amphibious rabbit!"

Neither Bo or his press secretary, Philroy Lynx were available for comment.

Cosmo: Thanks for taking the time to speak with the Treetops-Tattler. This isn't going to be your typical interview considering that we're both cartoon characters.

Marge: Yeah, that's a first for me.

Cosmo: Well, how did all of this come about?

Marge: I have no idea. One moment I was in the kitchen doing the dishes and BAM! Next thing you know, I'm strutting my stuff in front of the whole world!

Cosmo: Sounds like you're being controlled by some mysterious outside force.

Marge: Yeah, I often get that feeling.

Cosmo: Well, now that you are one, how does it feel to be Playboy's first cartoon centerfold?

Marge: It's kind of spooky being frozen in print. I can't move. And this binding hurts like hell.

Cosmo: Do you consider yourself loose and sexy or are you prudish?

Marge: I'm loosest as a pencil drawing. At that point, all it takes to get my clothes off is an eraser. Once I get inked and colored, I'm a lot more conservative.

Cosmo: Is Bluenette your natural hair color and are you Bluenette all over?

Marge: Yes, you naughty bird.

Cosmo: Has Homer started treating you like a sex goddess?

Marge: I wish. After the magazine hit the stands, he started looking at me as if I were a fresh-baked pepperoni pizza. It's quite disturbing.

Cosmo: Why do you think Playboy chose you?

Marge: I don't know. They can't be running out of real babes.

Cosmo: Well, even if you're not going to admit it, we at the Treetops-Tattler think you're a real, first-class, fabulous babe.

Marge: Cosmo, are you hitting on me? This is getting a little weird. I've gotta go.

Cosmo: Sigh.

Irate and shivering, a group of grumpy sportswriters have threatened a boycott of the rest of the 2009 World Series as the baseball season rolled into November.

Members of the sporting press were seen setting fire to their box lunches and pouring coffee into their laptops in chilly New York and Philadelphia as rain leaked down and autumn temperatures plummeted.

“It’s colder than an agent’s heart out here,” said veteran Tattler sports columnist Tim McCatcher. “They had me in the outdoor press box and I had to wear these wooly mittens the wife gave me for ice fishing. Try typing with mittens.”

Baseball Hall of Famer Luke Sapling agreed with the writers. “Back in my day the World Series was wrapped up by Halloween,” he said. “Next year we’ll have Frosty the Snowman throwing out the darn first ball.”

“Just look at me,” Sapling went on, pointing to the frozen tobacco juice on his jacket. “You might as well have spring training in Forty Mile, Saskatchewan.”

The sportswriters, many wearing Gore-Tex parkas and ski masks, held a rump press conference near the ice machine in the press box, claiming they were close to the breaking point.

“I didn’t sign up for Green Bay and the frozen tundra,” said longtime baseball scribe Archie “Decimal Point” Defendorf. “I’m going to have to start traveling with my own meteorologist. This is baseball. There’s no winter mix in baseball.”

Major league baseball officials predicted game-time temperatures would soar into the upper 40s.

“Looks like we’ll have to double the size of the press box feed,” said one league official. “That usually quiets the writers down.”

News reports that a pair of commercial airline pilots had “missed” their landing at Minneapolis-St. Paul airport by 150 miles has led to a flurry of questions, stories and true confessions from pilots in the greater Treetops area.

One veteran pilot told the Tattler that he missed the airport in Elmira N.Y. because in the old days you could buy a cinnamon bun as big as your head and a 48-oz. “Big Burpy” soda for just $1.99.

“Those were the glory days of American aviation,” he said. “You could get a nice hot pretzel in the shape of the New York State Thruway.”

Another flyboy, who requested anonymity, said he once missed the Miami International Airport and tried to land at the Rental Car Return area, which is actually in Kissimmee.

“The only thing worse than trying to land at that place is trying to return a car there,” he said. “No pilot I know is brave enough to drive one of those car return shuttles. Too dangerous. Captain Sully wouldn’t try it.”

Closer to home, Treetops pilot Flaps McIntercom said he missed old county airport out off Rural Route 927.

“It’s the one where the new GiGundo Maxi-Mart (and Pharmacy) is located,” he said. “That was a swell old airport. The Quonset hut was like a second home to me. Did all my Christmas shopping right there in the gift shop.”

Capt. McIntercom’s longtime co-pilot, Amelia Trueheart, said she once had a near-miss experience while on final approach to the airport in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

“There was confusion because we had been led to believe the airport was domed,” she said. “We kept looking for the dome. We finally had to put her down in Sheboygan.”

Several pilots expressed dismay that the pilots who missed the airport in Minneapolis because they were reportedly on their laptops.

“What the heck were they doing?” Capt. McIntercom wanted to know. “Playing online Suduku? Cruising the Cartoon Network?

“In my day we might have played a hand of euchre or two, sure. I had a problem with one of those Rubik Cubes back in the day. But we were professionals.”

The first national convention of the feminist activist group WHACK ended in disarray after a bitter fight over the meaning of the group’s name.

One faction in that battle argued that WHACK was an acronym for Women Heatedly Against Conservative Know-nothings.

The opposing group maintained that the letters stood for Woman Hating All Craven Kliberals. Felicia Shoofly, spokeswoman for the second group, quickly pointed out that “The ‘K’ in ‘Kliberals’ is silent.”

Shoofly also argued that, in fact, her group was the original creative force behind the “new game sensation, Whack-a-Lib,” in which plastic models of liberal icons pop up through holes in the game board, are seized by the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and beaten into submission by authentic replicas of Rush Limbaugh’s Gucci loafers.

“So the real origin of WHACK is our exciting new game — available in finer stores throughout this great American nation of America,” added Shoofly.

Karen Willowisp, spokeswoman for the other side of the argument, replied, “Well ... well ... I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

Later, she acknowledged that wasn’t really a great response, but said that her group had yet to actually meet and decide on a platform.

“We’ve been in negotiations for three weeks over the shape of the table,” she said. “I suggested a round table, the shape of the sacred female ovaries. But then someone argued that was also the shape of those unmentionable things that men have. Their ... well, you know. So we’re at an impasse.”

Seasoned observers of the acronym scene noted that this week’s squabble was reminiscent of a fight some years ago between two men’s groups both claiming the right to use the name SAME.

One group said the letters stood for Surgeons Alliance for Male Enhancement. The opposing group claimed it was Society Advocating Men’s Education, which espoused a curriculum focused on beer tasting, TV remote control techniques, and pizza ordering. That situation was settled when the two groups agreed to merge under the name Same-old, Same-old.

“We really don’t disagree on anything,” said a spokesman for the two groups. “More is always better, whether it’s pizza or beer or ... you know. Not that I have any problems with that. None. None at all.”

More dangerous than religious fanatics.

More powerful than the atomic bomb. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

A real "mother." These are the conclusions of a presidential commission investigating the greatest threat to the human race: Mother Nature.

In its chilling summation, the report stated, "Mother Nature is a terrorist of the greatest magnitude. She is the deadliest and, for that matter, the oldest terrorist on earth. She is wanted for questioning in the murders of several billion human beings and, according to an insurance industry spokesman, is responsible for an estimated $137.3 trillion in damages, last year alone."

"You got your flood, you got your famine, you got your pestilence," said lead investigator, Gertrude Gator. "And then you got ants at your picnic, rain on your parade and sand in your sandwiches. It all adds up - and you can track it all back to that one big Mother of All Mothers."

Responding to the report, the FBI has placed Mother Nature on their 10 Most Wanted list. She's not just Number One, she's numbers one through seven.

"The hell of it is," exclaimed FBI assistant director Busby Buzzkill, "We don't even have a picture of her to hang on the post office wall. How can a single entity create that much chaos and destruction without ever having her picture taken?"

"It is clear," cited a commission member who wished to remain anonymous fearing unimaginable retribution, "that Mother Nature doesn't want us on this planet. Period. She's trying to get rid of us like a hound dog scratching at fleas. We need to do something fast, before she decides to take a bath."

The FBI's Buzzkill agreed, saying "The world will be a much safer place once we get this lady behind bars."

The latest think tank reports, flashy news bulletins, and yowling punditry all seem to have come to the same conclusion: long after the crash, the American economy is still hurting and in a recent interview, to confirm such expert diagnosis, stated that, "I need a bottle of freakin' ibuprofen, or something."

Analysts continue to emphasize that the continuing slowdown has taken a brutal toll on the economy, which yesterday reiterated in a press conference that, "I really need to go lie down. Somebody please get me a hot water bottle. The initial crash I sustained in 2008 still keeps me awake at night. Even worse, I now have chronic back pain, trouble focusing my eyes on anything green, a nasty taste of copper on the tip of my tongue, and I've suddenly developed an iridescent purple rash on the lower left quadrant of my backside."

Who's to blame?

On the root cause of the financial system's malady, the limping economy had this to say: "Personally, I blame general political torpor, Wall Street cowboys, unscented laundry detergent and fat-cat single hockey moms."

The economy also mentioned that this "affliction" has manifested itself not only as physical agony, but as psychological pain, as well, adding, "I've developed a horrifying fear of orange rectangles."

Scientists warn that a giant spongy- white asteroid, twice the size of a Winnebago, is on a collision course with earth and will enter the atmosphere Saturday at 10:21 PM Eastern time. They believe that much of the alien invader will remain intact on impact although it's "going to get a bit toasted". The impact site has been narrowed down to a wooded area near Hershey, Pennsylvania, the country's largest producer of chocolate.

Help on the way.

In response, President Obama has ordered seventy thousand boxes of graham crackers airlifted to the projected impact area. He said, "In these difficult times, it is refreshing to believe that the outcome of this possible catastrophe may turn into the biggest S'mores party in American history."

Doofus, the Treetops Police Department's drug-sniffing dog was busted this morning for possession of catnip with intent to distribute, a clear violation of Feline Code 1024C. Officers seized 56 kilos of pure, uncut "nip" buried in 14 holes in Doofus's backyard.

Suspicious activity.

Fellow members of the Treetops canine squad became suspicious of Doofus when he started showing up for work in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile complete with a tuxedo-clad Chihuahua chauffeur. Further doubt was cast on Doofus's activities when it was revealed that he had recently paid an extremely large pile of Kibbles 'n Bits for a three-story, 15,000-square-foot dog house.

TPD officials refused further comment on the investigation except to say they are close to arresting the "kingpin" of the illicit catnip ring. Rumor has it their prime suspect is an orange and black striped "fat cat" hiding out in another comic strip.

Socialized Medicine to Claim England's Highest Regent

Queen Elizabeth II, head of state for the United Kingdom, Canada, and the Commonwealth of Realms, is set to be euthanized at St. Bartholemew's Hospital tomorrow at dawn. The decision was approved by a board of officials appointed by the House of Commons to regulate life under the state's socialized health care program. Beloved across the world for her constant bon vivant attitude, the Queen, 83, reigned for over 57 years, before this death sentence.

Neville Wainscotting, Royal High Commissioner of Human Existence and End of Life Disposal, cited the Queen's excessive age as the sole reason for the impending termination. "Her Majesty lived a full life and oversaw a period of prosperity unrivaled in England's history. We regret taking this step, but know its what she would have wanted, because of her deep respect for the actions of Parliament."

English law, under their universal health care system, allows no subject to live "in excess of eighty years, or at an expense of over thirty-thousand pounds sterling, whichever the subject shall arrive at first." The passing of "The Rubicon of Life Act" as it is known, has saved the English taxpayer millions of pounds in unnecessary public health expenses.

In 2005, the Queen was given a special stay of execution by Parliament to allow her to live for a few more years, and arrange her affairs "as necessitated by Her Majesty's high station." Unfortunately, her vitality proved to be vital to her demise.

"We had all hoped nature would have run its course before this time would come," Wainscotting said, "Unfortunately, the old bird hung on for a bit too long, and the state was forced to intervene as it has so many times in the past. Certainly she was the Queen of England, but we no longer live in a time of absolute monarchy thanks in no small part to the actions of Her Majesty while she was alive."

Due to the inherent compromised quality of government-run health care, the Queen's pragmatic execution is to be carried out by noted English veterinarian Arthur Windrop, an Oxford greenhorn from the quaint Dorset countryside.

"The Queen will, of course, receive a painless, efficient death... much like the one I administered to that horse that starred in Black Beauty," said Windrop.

The morning after the deed is done, Union Jacks are to be flown at half-staff across the Commonwealth. A stirring rendition of "God Save the Queen" will be played while mourners fill Westminster Abbey to hear a touching eulogy, to be delivered by Prince Philip, Her Majesty's longtime companion, due for his own termination in late November.

Coronation ceremonies for Prince Charles of Wales, heir to the throne, will take place later next week. His Majesty's time on the throne will not exceed 19 years, as he will then be due for his own euthanization.

The National Society of Nice Guys has sent a "politely exasperated" note to the President of the United States.

"Nice guys finish last," said Neville Twit, spokes-nerd for the National Society of Nice Guys. "And then, along comes Barack Obama. A nice guy who finished first. This is very disorienting for us as a group."

Twit was asked whether he was upset because until now he had been able to escape responsibility for his personal failures because he was supposed to finish last. But now Obama had blown his cover.

"That's not very nice of you to ask," replied Twit. "But I'm too nice to disagree with you. I'm too nice to disagree with anyone. That's how I got this job."

Bradley Barnwood, the society's treasurer told the Treetops Tattler, "We're not an organization to be trifled with. We're a huge group. We have 23 million members nationwide, including all twelve of the nice guys in New York City. We feel the president should know how deeply we believe in this issue. Gee Whiz! Some of us are so confused we're considering becoming as rude as, (pardon our french) the French.

Popular outdoor activities in Treetops, such as cricket and exotic wine tasting, were disrupted yesterday as the latest effects of climate change caused residents to, "taste the sunset," according to several citizens' reports.

Residents were particularly astonished to find that the awful, charcoal-fruit aftertaste of the solar system's plasmatic orb could take up to four days to rinse out of their mouths.

"It was absolutely dreadful," remarked local resident Irving Seagull. "One minute, I was munching on croutons in the park, the next minute, it feels like I'm licking a lollipop made out of smoldering asphalt."

Global Warming skeptics claim that the earth's air has always had a history of tasting like, "vaguely minty jockstrap," and that the atmosphere has always tasted "just like a decomposing tangerine, as the earth changes naturally."

"We hold that the situation has been considerably exaggerated by irresponsible environmental alarmists," says Harvey Rumpleton, the spokesperson for the Defense of the Everyman's Need for Individuality, Apathy, and Lethargy (D.E.N.I.A.L.). He continued to describe the positive side of such a global change. "After all, who doesn't like to have the sun mesquite their barbecue for free? Just hold your grill and raw venison out to the sky while the sun's going down over your backyard, and you'll be set."

Nonetheless, Senate and House Republicrats have recently proposed legislation to counter these latest effects of climate change. In today's press release, lumbering Senate goon Batson D. Belfry had this to say: "Winter-fresh mouth wash subsidies. It really is the best we could come up with."

And due to this latest global warming calamity, former would-be president Al Gore has reportedly started work on a sequel to his previous climate change documentary saga. The working title for the upcoming sequel is An Inconvenient Truth Serum.

Acting swiftly on the basis of "overwhelming evidence," the federal government has declared a "War on Air."

The declaration of war came immediately after an announcement by the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) that Oxygen has been classified as a "violently addictive" substance and that continued use over a long time is inevitably fatal.

"We have studies to prove it," said General Herbert "Huffy" Puff. " 'You breathe, you die.' That's our motto."

Gen. Puff went on to say, "It's not even our own American-made air. We've got unregulated air flooding across our unprotected borders to the north and the south. Some of it's hot. Some of it's cold. None of it is really ours."

According to the general, no pure Oxygen ever enters the country. Instead, it is cut with 79 percent Nitrogen and other inert gases.

"That quintuples their profits," said "Huffy" Puff. "It's a vicious black market and it must be stopped.

"As a first step, we're asking all patriotic citizens to hold their breath. Just say 'No' to Oxygen. Well, don't actually say anything. That uses Oxygen."

]]> Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.macnelly.com/13 Chris Cassatt, Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
The Treetops-Tattler.com

Flat tax? Payroll tax? Sales tax? Property tax? Taxi tax?

Why are there so many taxes? It is the Death of 10,000 Insults. Only a sadist plucks a chicken slowly - and we say that on behalf of our many feathered brethren.

Our great nation's hit-or-miss tax code has been levied with all the precision of a darts tournament on Free Beer Night.

Our scatter-shot taxes have completely missed our nation's single greatest resource.

It's time to forget about nitpicking over all the little annoying taxes and get right down to the root of it all. It's like eating lunch at Roz's Diner. You have to close your eyes and choke down what they serve you. Fast.

We need only one tax, one all-encompassing tax that will treat all citizens fairly. A tax that transcends social status, race, gender and age. A single tax to get us out of this ridiculous economic mess we're in.

What are we suggesting? Ask yourself this: What is the one thing in which we Americans truly are Number 1? Numero Uno! It's obvious once you really think about it. We are the world's leading producer of stupidity. When it comes to stupidity - for quantity or quality, nobody else even comes close.

We swell with patriotic pride when we say this is one resource that will never run out. As a matter of fact, we produce enough every day right here in America to supply the entire world's needs.

So, forget about income tax, gas tax, cigarette tax, ashtray tax.

All we need to do is tax stupidity.

And maybe crazy. Maybe just a little tax on crazy.

But that's it.

Senator Batson D. Belfry, with the support of various House and Senate bellyachers, has co-authored a controversial new bill calling for a "constitutional ban on boring marriages."

The supporters of this bill seek to, "rid this great nation of ours of the abomination of bad marriages and cheap anniversaries," says a leading Republicrat representative and the bill's co-author Thomas A. Haverson.

Haverson continued ruminating in public, and in front of an open press mic: "With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, we decided it was time for the government to take action to put a stop to such a statistical annoyance. To make all marriages lasting, we need only make them good and whole. It's so simple, I can't believe we never legislated this before... and I can't believe Joni Mitchell never wrote a song about this..."

The constitutional amendment would bar the existence or prolongation of long-term unions that regularly result in "bad birthday presents, passionless vacationing, thoughtless disposal of husbands' golf clubs, ruined Final Four parties, and weekly schmaltz in the guise of Hollywood romance DVDs in the living room."

And during a recent hearing on the proposed legislation, the eminent representative reasserted that the constitutional amendment was a "legal and moral imperative," due to the fact that he "only got a Dollar Store-type, garnet necktie for our thirtieth anniversary." Haverson continued his impassioned defense of "engaging" marriage with, "I mean, seriously, it was a friggin' TIE!"

All present male representatives moaned in empathy as he added, "it wasn't even silk."

Following repairs to the Hubble Telescope, astronomers at Treetops University have made a shocking discovery.

Stars were long thought to be enormous objects that look small because they're so far away. Now it turns out, they are very close and very small.

Scientists say the universe is actually slightly smaller than the Staten Island Ferry. Instead of being vast flaming balls of gas, the stars turn out to be more like twinkle lights held in place with thumbtacks on a giant piece of painted plywood.

In fact, that's exactly what they are. They are connected by nearly invisible black electrical wire. Which, now that we know it's there, turns out to be quite easy to see.

The so-called "black matter," long puzzling to science, is actually black licorice bubblegum that keeps the wires stuck to the plywood.

In addition to being smaller and more hardware based then expected, the universe is also a lot younger. Instead of 14 billion years old, the universe is 36. Maybe 40. Forty years, six months. Tops.

A Treetops psychologist has suggested that the universe might turn out to be suffering from "a kind of mid-life crisis, when you hit 40 and start wondering if your mother really loved you."

When questioned about previous beliefs, now shattered, space shuttle astronauts reluctantly revealed that during the last repair mission it was discovered that the space telescope's lens cap had never been removed. But it's all fixed now.

Anonymous sources have revealed that talk show host Rush Limbaugh is in this country and, for that matter, on this planet illegally.

It is said that he comes from a gas giant world 34 light years from Earth that has an atmosphere comprised almost entirely of nitrous oxide, commonly known here as laughing gas, but was expelled because he just wasn't funny.

What do we do with him?

"The obvious thing to do is send him back where he came from". says a NASA spokesbird, "We have boosters large enough to thrust his considerable bulk into orbit, but launching that much mass out of the solar system is going to require some serious new technology". He continued, "This is the incentive we've all been waiting for. Since the story broke this morning, we have received over 6 trillion dollars in private donations to expedite this mission".

Banks "having trouble focusing, grades faltering" in early months of Obama plan

A major setback to the Obama stimulus package came today, in an announcement by Fed chairman Ben Bernanke that American financial institutions, lagging for so many months in the midst of the credit crisis, have now become completely over-stimulated. The over $700 billion package, lauded by many to be the solution to the financial collapse of the last fiscal year, has instead resulted in a banking system unable to concentrate on the task at hand and easily distracted by loud noises and flashing lights.

"Even I've been surprised at the results," Bernanke said before members of the press and pediatric psychiatrists, "We figured the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act would stimulate the economy, but we could not have predicted this. No one wants Wall St. to turn into a nine year old that's been pounding Jolt colas all morning, but that's what we've got. We need to move forward on two feet, rather than lying down and pretending to run in circles, like Merrill Lynch is doing right now - MERRILL! I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE!"

In rebuttal, the President of AIG, had this to say: "We are incredibly impressed at the results the Obama plan has had on the econo - hey, what do you have there? Is that like a tape recorder? OMG people still use those! Whoa! It's even got a real tape inside? Hey, have you seen the new iPhone, its got this app that records things, so like you wouldn't even need to buy one of those, you'd just have it on your phone, isn't that cool? Phones are crazy, we can talk to like anyone instantly no matter where you are - I don't talk too much though I'm more of a texter, it takes a long time on the iPhone though, you need really small fingers, but mine are big - hey are my fingers too big? Can you get a finger reduction? Oh, speaking of reductions..." (full statement on pages 56 - 94).

In response, President Obama has pushed to pass the American De-stimulation of the Economy and Resumption of Ordinary Lending act in order to return the economy to pre-crisis stabilized levels. "The President believes ADDERALL could be the only way to calm the banks down, and keep things quieter on Main St. and Wall St." Obama's press secretary said, "because Mr. Obama is starting to get a headache."

"I just miss it. That's all. I just plain miss that planet," said Halley's Comet in an exclusive Treetops Tattler interview. Halley's gets to visit Earth once every 76 years. ("And, really," carped the comet, "it's more of a fly-by than a genuine, snuggle-up, heart-to-heart visit.")

The comet's visitation rights are severely limited under a strict court order from the InterGallactic Court of Gravity. ("Gravity: It's not just a good idea ... it's the Law!")

Under the court order, Halley's is required to "keep its distance" from Earth. "Geez, I'm out here a couple of billion miles away from the planet I love," said the heartbroken comet. "It's been more than 20 years since I last snuggled up to Earth and I've got another 50 years to go until I can sneak back again.

"I miss that big lug of a planet. I really, really do."