Rodman defends his constant to-ing and fro-ing to the rogue state by insisting that he and Kim are real buddies. "Kim taught me how to say his favorite pickup line, "I love you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns," in Korean. He says it works for him EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm not having that kind of luck but I think it might be my accent."

Buddies that they may be, Kim has yet to sprout bizarre piercings and Rodman has yet to feed any relatives to hungry dogs. Dictator/nutjob watchers suggest the jury's still out on exactly how close they really are.

Back in New Jersey, Governor Christie, reeling from the "Bridgegate" scandal, clearly feels that there's no such thing as a bad distraction. "I'm pretty sure that Dennis will be a first rate distractor! And I'm deeply grateful that three of my closest advisors were loyal enough to fall on their swords to take the heat off yours truly. In fact, I've now issued "falling on" swords to my entire staff."

"The good news is that Dennis won't need one. With all that metal hanging out of him, he'll just have to do a faceplant and something's bound to pierce a vital organ."

A sense of gloom seemed to settle over local DEA offices. One unidentified agent seemingly on the brink of tears commented, "There's really no way to replace the feeling of sending a young person to prison for burning a doobie," his voice cracking with emotion, "but I guess we'll always have crystal meth…thank God for meth."

Meth addicts are notoriously easy to identify as they usually look like the title characters in that zombie movie you watched last week. Whereas pot smokers tend to look like everyone else… only more serene.

For the first twenty-four hours of the historic event national news was focused on pot in Colorado. Correspondents from major networks and publications across the globe reported from Denver dispensaries.

Newshounds will remember that during the U.S. invasion of Baghdad reporters were observed covering the war wearing gasmasks, just in case Saddam released chemical weapons.

No gasmasks were seen in Denver dispensaries, despite what some considered to be obvious fume issues. Locals applauded the reporters' courage, "They're very brave…and laid back."

Random outbreaks of mellowness have been reported across the state, but many old-timers attributed them to particularly good ski conditions in the mountains. "A good snow year always cheers people up!"

By day two a mass exodus of journalists, many of whom sustained bloodshot eyes during the hazardous assignment, clogged Denver International Airport. One well-known television reporter grumbled, "Well, that's that. From here on a pot story will be as exciting as a MAN BUYS SIXPACK headline."

Good ice – Hockey. And it's a perfect background color for all that bright red blood.

Bad ice – Ernest Shackleton, an early polar explorer. Antarctic pack ice ate his ship, The Endurance…bad pack ice.

Good ice – Wildlife that lives around ice has adapted to it and thrives on and under it. Without the ice the wildlife will suffer and, eventually, cease to exist.

Bad ice – Skiers and snowboarders don't much fancy ice. It's quite slippery and quite hard. Go up to your roof and dive onto the pavement headfirst. That's what skiing and falling on ice is like.
This doesn't apply in New England where they think ice is firm-ish powder.

Good ice – Ice climbers, as you might suspect, like ice. Yes, it's cold and slippery, but try digging that pointy little ax and those spiky things on your boots into say…granite. Ice is way better for digging into.

Bad ice – The Russian ship, Akademik Shokalskiy (Translation – Academic Shokalskiy) is trapped in pack ice near Antarctica. The vessel has been stuck since before Christmas.

Ice in those parts sticks around forever. When scientists want to find samples of pure water from long ago they take core samples from ice in Antarctica. Conceivably, this could be the same nasty pack ice that ate Shackleton's ship… lurking, waiting … bad pack ice.

The crew and scientists aboard the Shokalskiy have remained in good spirits, but that will be ending soon as they only had enough booze to last through New Year's Eve.

A nearby Chinese icebreaker will dispatch a helicopter to rescue passengers, twelve at a time, if the ice doesn't release its grip by the time the weather clears.

The 72 aboard the Shokalskiy have indicated that they'd settle for a liquor delivery, but it would seem that Chinese icebreakers don't use the stuff.
Silly Chinese icebreaker, bad, terrorist pack ice.

As of Thursday all non-crewmembers had been safely evacuated to the Chinese icebreaker…the one with no bar.

KA – I'll just tell you. We managed to get the credit card information from millions of Target customers and absolutely no one noticed!

TT – Actually everyone noticed, it's front-page news.

KA – Not a clue…it was our cleanest job yet. Not that we're going to do anything with the information. We just want to see if we could get away with it. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

TT – Well, if you did do something with the information, what would it be?

KA – We'd protect the good Americans we just stole the information from. Just like tracking your every move…it's to protect you.

TT – So, you feel things are going well?

KA – You bet, we just got word that Snowden feels his job is done…he's got a gig making snow in Sochi… never liked the guy.

TT – Well, what is next for you folks?

KA – We just got some backchannel rumors that there's a ship stuck in the ice near Antarctica. We've sent a man with a dogsled to check it out. It could be terrorists. There are Americans down there that need protecting.

TT – Anything else?

KA – Absolutely, next we're going to find out the landline telephone numbers of everyone in the United States.

TT – Aren't there things called "telephone books?"

KA – What?

"Wayne has always put his pants on two legs at a time and we assumed that was the way everyone did it. Of course, when I wear slacks I put them on one leg at a time, but we both just felt I was a little backward and never talked about it. I always thought that was very kind of Wayne."

"The next day I started calling some close friends. It's funny, there was a lot of silence when I'd ask them how they put their pants on!" Mrs. Bing went on, "But it was pretty clear that Wayne was in a league of his own."

Since going public Mr. Bing, a humble math teacher, has hired an agent and a publicist. "I really feel that this is my fifteen minutes and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. I've even given my technique a name…The Binghop."

Mrs. Bing explained, "We're thinking Wayne can make the late night talk show circuit. Sometimes he can be quite entertaining putting his pants on. He doesn't always "stick the landing" as they say in the Olympics. I understand that those blooper shows are very popular, and things like that are all over the You Tube."

"I'd love to get one of those You Tubes… do you think they sell them at Wal-Mart?"

The Bings are also hoping for a book deal.