He went on to stun assembled journalists by announcing that Perugian prosecutor Giuliano Mignini would be taking over the case and that American college student Amanda Knox would be charged with all crimes associated with the cruise ship disaster. Mignini stepped to the microphone and glared, "Of course she's guilty, she wasn't there...it's a slam dunk."

Knox was convicted of murdering her roommate in Perugia, Italy in 2007, despite the fact that another individual had already been convicted and was in prison for the crime. "So?" was prosecutor Mignini's comment on that topic.

Even though there was no physical evidence to connect Knox to the death of her roommate, Amanda Kircher, Knox spent four years in an Italian jail before having her conviction overturned by the Italian Supreme Court.

"You think it's easy inventing an entire case?" Mignini grumbled.

Mignini has a history of fabricating cases involving ritualistic, Satanic, S and M type murders, and has been convicted of prosecutorial misconduct. When reporters thought it might be interesting to interview his wife, he demurred... "She's not available for comment, she's all tied up right now."

Mignini vowed to get a conviction, "When I'm done with this demon, we'll know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and the name of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic."

When asked if she planned to travel to the island of Giglio for the Costa Concordia trial, the fetching coed responded, "Well, everyone likes a beach vacation but..."

While the islands on that part of the Italian coast have been known to behave erratically, there hasn't been a documented case of one of them attacking anything since the sixties. Even then all of the eyewitnesses were known to have been smoking smelly handmade cigarettes. "They were rich American hippies on someone's daddy's yacht," commented island authorities.

Schettino's legal team has been hoping to call some of those yachtistas in the Captain"s defense, but to date the only ones that could be located are now retired from Wall St. following long and productive careers screwing people. "They grew up. They went into their daddy's businesses in the financial sector," lamented one of Schettino's lawyers. "Now they're too busy counting other people's money to get involved."

Nonetheless, Schettino is confident of an acquittal, "The ship hada faulty breaks, I step onna pedal anna nothing happen."

Schettino has been observed kicking the island in what he believes to be sensitive areas in the hopes of provoking the kind of behavior it displayed on the night it attacked his ship.

"Whenna alla this is over, I'ma immigrating to America! I'ma become American citizen, I'ma run for congress."

The Captain believes that in a Congress dedicated to running an entire nation into the ground, he'll be just another face in the crowd.

British MP Leonard Charles echoed the sentiments of many of his countrymen when he commented, "Screw em. We're busy waiting for George to grow up and be KING!" Tacit acknowledgement that the current monarch will outlive both her son and grandson and making it clear that most Brits would rather talk about the lad's parents changing diapers than talk about children being gassed thousands of miles away.

The two hundred and fifty year old Queen was unavailable for comment as she was taking her daily bath in virgin's blood.

Press Secretary Jay Carney speculated that we might be able to leverage the situation with the Russians by utilizing convicted Wikileaker Chelsea Elizabeth (Bradley) Manning. "The lass could help herself out by being useful. Maybe we could get her over there in her new persona as "Chelsea" to help Putin and his pal Snowden unload the chemicals. Manning's a big Pussy Riot fan… she's been singing a lot."

Secretary of State John Kerry seemed to agree, "We'd like to see Chelsea out of the can sooner rather than later. If she can pass the smell test with Putin this time, she could come in handy later on down the road, I'm a big Pussy Riot fan too!"

Manning seemed uneasy about handling the toxic chemicals, "What if I break a nail."

Secretary Kerry concluded "If Putin were to find out that the nice "Chelsea" chick, who was helping him and Snowden stack canisters of sarin gas, was really a guy we'd be calling Putin, "Vlad the Imploder" hee, hee.

A couple of weeks ago Shemane Nugent, wife of the rocker and well-known gun nut Ted Nugent, was detained at an airport for attempting to board a plane with a concealed weapon. Probably the type of dumb oversight that occurs more often than the rest of us care to think about. Busy, airhead celebrities thinking their little celebrity thoughts and letting the fact that they are packing heat slip their minds. She explained that her husband "carried more guns up his…" and finished that sentence with a graphic description of where she thought Ted carried a lot of different guns.
This was news only because she was the wife of a celebrity but what happened next actually was interesting. Shemane filed for divorce from Ted, not because it was in any way his fault she was packing, but because, after twenty-four years of marriage, she couldn't stand the humiliation of being outed as the nitwit's wife.

This gesture of shame and contrition has sparked a number of similar defections.

Shellie Zimmerman is seeking a divorce from husband George…same reason.

Justin Bieber's bodyguards have served notice that they were leaving the entourage and seeking more honorable employment. A lady by the name of Roxy explained, "Protecting this twerp from twerp teenage girls is beneath the dignity of your average cocker spaniel, we want out. We're going to see if any of the people who testified against Whitey Bulger need help."

On a similar note Miley Cyrus' spiritual advisor Baba Rum Dum says he also has had enough. "It's not the innocent old days when a group like the Beatles could discover LSD and then follow around a nice old man who hasn't shaved in decades. Celebrities like Lindsay Lohan and Alec Baldwin have turned the spiritual advisor business into a blood sport. Miley told me she wanted to show me her favorite yoga position and then she turned around and twerked me. I've never felt so violated. It will be a long time before there's any payback in the spirituality department for this young lady.

I'm considering going back to practicing law… ha, ha, not really."

Ms. Nyad wore a special mask to protect her from jellyfish, a prudent step on her part, but as you know, if you've ever been to a sushi bar, jellyfish can be good eating. My memory is kind of vague on this, but I'm pretty sure that's how I sustained myself on my swim, by eating the jellyfish I encountered. As a matter of fact, I remember having jellyfish, along with some sake, at a sushi place in Havana the night I began my historic swim.

The kind folk at the sushi bar were generous enough to present me with a bottle of sake "to go" when they suggested I leave. It was then, looking out at the peaceful waters, that I decided to embark on my record-breaking swim.

That was Sunday night. I woke up on a beach in Key West Thursday morning with a nightmarish hangover, soaking wet and sick to my stomach. Perhaps I had consumed a "bad" jellyfish.

I was initially confused and disoriented, but then swelled with pride when I deduced that the only explanation for the situation was that I had made the crossing! Imagine…Cuba to Key West, alone, in the dark, then in the light, the dark, the light…you get it.

I'm afraid that the details of my adventure have completely vanished from my memory, for what reason I do not know…trauma I suspect. I pray that someday they will return.

Without them there's no book deal.