Michael Grimm, well known deep thinker and the only Republican Congressman from New York City, got a little hot under the collar.

"I was really just trying to paraphrase the Incredible Hulk."

The beloved superhero's mantra, "It's stomping time" is well known to comic book aficionados the world over. Representative Grimm showed remorse when he explained, "I guess I just got it a little wrong and it came out…I'm going to break you in half and throw you off this balcony…it's almost the same thing! By the way, if you don't stop bothering me, I'm going to break YOU in half and throw YOU off this balcony."

At this point the Tattler backed off a little.

The original dust up occurred immediately following President Obama's State of the Union Address. Grimm was expecting to do a bit of enjoyable Obama, bitch-slapping- bashing when journalist Michael Scotto brought up a federal investigation regarding the Representative's campaign fundraising. "All reporters should be broken in half and thrown off balconies. What I regret is misquoting a national treasure like the Hulk."

When asked, Scotto a reporter for a local N.Y. television station, admitted that Grimm "did seem angry," demonstrating the kind of keen perception possessed by all the best journalists, particularly Tattler writers.

Grimm, a second term congressman, former Marine and FBI agent who was elected with Teaparty help is eager to put the incident behind him. "I read a lot of comic books in the Marines, even more when I joined the Bureau and almost non-stop since I was elected to Congress, so I guess I could have come up with a better quote. In retrospect I think Superman's, "up, up and away" would have been fine."

Scotto says he's not going to press any charges and is happy to let bygones be bygones. "I feel that this is all behind us now and I've even got a tip for the Congressman. He might want to mention to his staffers that it's not a good idea to imply to donors that campaign finance rules can be "gotten around." He also might want to start reading SHOE instead of Marvel Comics."

With the world breathlessly awaiting the start of the Sochi Olympics, the Tattler has landed a major scoop. Vladimir Putin's publicist, Amidoff Franklinski, has agreed to an exclusive interview.

Respecting his wish to remain anonymous, we will refer to him a Publicist X. He arrived at the interview wearing "Groucho" nose glasses.

Tattler: Why the secrecy?

Publicist X: I'm too young to retire…I need to work again.

T: So, you think that being known as President Putin's publicist isn't good advertising?

X: Not really.

T: Then why did you take the job?

X: He said he wanted to soften his image, make himself seem cuddlier, like the Russian bear. I figured if this guy could con the Olympic Committee into awarding the winter games to a beach resort he could pull it off.

T: Where do you think he went wrong?

X: Start with the venue, this "ring of steel" thing doesn't exactly ooze warmth. Then there's the village itself…it's about as welcoming as an institute for the criminally insane, only the guards aren't as friendly.

T: Isn't fixing that your job?

X: I begged him, "how about some drapes, some wallpaper? He wouldn't listen." I said, Bring in a pro…get a decorator." Well, he blew up; he has a real problem with interior decorators…where's that come from?

T: Did he do anything to help himself in this?

X: I suggested a nice mascot; they usually range from bizarre to baffling… looks like a special ed class project. So he ran with it. They came up with a cute polar bear, a hare, a leopard a snowflake and a beam of light…excellent. But no one's heard of them or seen them yet; we're way behind the marketing curve!

T: I would think there's time yet.

X: No way… look at this, ( holds up a soft doll) an entrepreneur came up with his own mascot. It's a plush terrorist doll blowing himself up. The body parts are held together by Velcro so you can pull him apart and put him back together as many times as you want. Cute, right?

T: So you think people will take to this instead of the official mascots?

X: Not really, the guy who came up with the idea disappeared last week, the Ministry says he's vacationing in Yourdeadistan, this may be the last one. It's probably a collector's item.

T: Are you working on the President's notoriously bad attitude regarding alternate lifestyles?

X: Absolutely! The uniforms for the Russian Men's Curling Team are gold sequined Speedos. That should mend some fences.

This Governor business isn't all it's cracked up to be, and all would-be Chief Executives would do well to look long and hard at the road that lay before them before they start down it.

It's soul-searching time.

Since the beginning of this great nation, patriots have leapt at the chance to serve their country, sometimes without clearly considering the consequences.

Whether one considers this ill advised or commendable, nothing can justify making the ultimate sacrifice, doing time in a luxurious, minimum security, federal prison, simply to become a state's Chief Executive.

Recent headlines starring New Jersey Governor Chris Christie should be cautionary tale enough. As the steady drip, drip of disclosures continues it seems the fine tradition of payback is going to get a black eye.

Asked to comment Governor Christie snapped, "That's a lot of bull, and I'll "get" anyone who says differently."

Now, ex Virginia Governor, Bob McDonnell is making headlines. He has been indicted by a federal grand jury for accepting and soliciting gifts such as shopping sprees for the wifey, vacations, travel on a private jet, loans and the use of a Ferrari. "I can't help it if people like us," was McDonnell's response when asked to explain.

So far he hasn't been accused of shutting down any bridges or otherwise punishing his political adversaries. Why would he? He was having too much fun!

The sugar daddy providing all these goodies is Jonnie Williams. Mr. Williams is the CEO of Star Tobacco International whose motto is, "Excellence in Tobacco." It's really, really understandable that a company in that business, with that motto, would need a few political favors.

You can't blame Williams. Popular wisdom has pretty much everyone in congress being on the payroll of somebody, anyone from the NRA to the Koch brothers. That doesn't mean that the person doing the paying off shouldn't go to jail or hell, in whatever order. It's just that the guy getting the payoff is usually the one to get busted.

No one knows if Christie and McDonnell are getting advice from Rod Blagojevich, the former Governor of Illinois is doing a little stretch for trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat.

Reunions of former Illinois Governors are currently being held at an undisclosed minimum-security facility, as four of the last seven governors of that state are behind bars.

The good news is that former Governor, George Ryan, who was in for corruption, will be getting out and going to a half way house soon.

So there's that.

On Saturday the Smithsonian National Zoo introduced its newest arrival to the public.
Bao Bao, a giant panda cub, was brought into the panda viewing area to oohs and aahs of an adoring audience.

Bao Bao's popularity should rival that of the royal family, but with less possibility for scandal since the critter will spend its life in a cage.

The eighteen and a half pound superstar sleeps twenty hours a day and seems oblivious to her celebrity status, an attitude completely alien to most celebrities.

One of Bao Bao's first visitors was Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus. Asked if he had always been a fan of giant pandas, Chairman Priebus admitted that he had not. "Sure, you see them on the news and the Nature Channel, but I couldn't say I was a follower. But at our spring convention in Los Angeles last April it was pointed out that the Tea Party had created something of a lovability gap for us among middle of the road and swing voters, so we started thinking about rebranding." Flashing a wry smile Priebus continued. "The elephant had represented the GOP since 1874, people like elephants but we thought we could up the ante. People love pandas and there's no question that, in silhouette, it's impossible to distinguish a giant panda from Chris Christie." Chris was looking pretty good for the 2016 presidential race at the time so we said, "hell lets go with the panda!"

The fact that current events have dulled Governor Christie's sheen a bit didn't seem to faze Priebus, "We're going to get this animal's name on an exclusive contract come hell or high water. We don't consider its resemblance to Christie a detriment. We're already having CHRIS WHO? THE PANDA'S STILL CUTE bumper stickers printed up."

Asked if this meant that the party was throwing the Governor under the bus Priebus replied, "Hell no, we're throwing him under the panda."

"Unlike myself, the state is in great shape."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie beamed as he attempted to wallow in his state's resilience following recent tragedies, while admitting that for him, personally, things were becoming a little warm. "As hot as a flaming boardwalk on the Jersey Shore," the governor admitted, referring to the fire that was punch number two in a one-two combo that began with Hurricane Sandy.

In Christie's State of the State address, after a brief reference to the Bridgegate scandal that was punch number three of the one-two combo, he went on to outline his plans for the future of New Jersey, none of which included hurricanes, conflagrations or bridge closures. "I didn't do any of that stuff."

While some are willing to take the Governor at his word regarding his ignorance of the bridge closure conspiracy, a lot of people suspect he may be a firebug and responsible for the boardwalk inferno. "And we're forming a committee to look into his involvement in Hurricane Sandy" crowed one Democrat with extremely sweaty palms. "You know the conventional wisdom regarding politicians and large volumes of air."

Christy went on to pledge that in the future all disasters in the State of New Jersey will be of the "natural" variety, and not man made. "I've told my staff in no uncertain terms that we're done with all that. Nonetheless, it remains a really good idea to not cross me."

Reached for comment, Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton admitted that if Christie were her opponent in 2016 race, she would endorse him. "I've seen what can happen…I don't want anything bad to happen."

Christie aides suggest that if things go south their boss has a fallback plan. "He's contemplating a run for Mayor of Area 51… it takes decades for people to figure what's going on there."

Following Dennis Rodman's return from his trip to South Korea that begged the question as to whose taste in friends was most alarming… Rodman's or Dictator Kim Jong Un's, New jersey Governor Chris Christie has named Rodman as his new director of communications. "It was his singing voice that sold me, his rendition of Happy Birthday made me weep."

The latest chapter in dictator Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman's bromance came just as most Americans felt that they had successfully forgotten about the previous chapter. "The next thing you know you see Rodman and a bunch of out of work basketball players getting off a plane in Pyongyang," observed a still living relative of the young Korean psycho, who wished to remain anonymous.

Rodman defends his constant to-ing and fro-ing to the rogue state by insisting that he and Kim are real buddies. "Kim taught me how to say his favorite pickup line, "I love you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns," in Korean. He says it works for him EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm not having that kind of luck but I think it might be my accent."

Buddies that they may be, Kim has yet to sprout bizarre piercings and Rodman has yet to feed any relatives to hungry dogs. Dictator/nutjob watchers suggest the jury's still out on exactly how close they really are.

Back in New Jersey, Governor Christie, reeling from the "Bridgegate" scandal, clearly feels that there's no such thing as a bad distraction. "I'm pretty sure that Dennis will be a first rate distractor! And I'm deeply grateful that three of my closest advisors were loyal enough to fall on their swords to take the heat off yours truly. In fact, I've now issued "falling on" swords to my entire staff."

"The good news is that Dennis won't need one. With all that metal hanging out of him, he'll just have to do a faceplant and something's bound to pierce a vital organ."

In a communiqué issued from the Capitol Building in Denver, Colorado, Governor John Hickenlooper announced that the entire state has "gone to pot." In a year in which the scenic Rocky Mountain playground has been plagued with everything from wildfires to floods, the Governor explained, "A lot of people have been very tense…we needed this."

As of January 1st, Colorado became the first state to make sales of recreational marijuana legal. Hickenlooper observed, "Chilling is better than flooding, ya gotta know that man!"

A sense of gloom seemed to settle over local DEA offices. One unidentified agent seemingly on the brink of tears commented, "There's really no way to replace the feeling of sending a young person to prison for burning a doobie," his voice cracking with emotion, "but I guess we'll always have crystal meth…thank God for meth."

Meth addicts are notoriously easy to identify as they usually look like the title characters in that zombie movie you watched last week. Whereas pot smokers tend to look like everyone else… only more serene.

For the first twenty-four hours of the historic event national news was focused on pot in Colorado. Correspondents from major networks and publications across the globe reported from Denver dispensaries.

Newshounds will remember that during the U.S. invasion of Baghdad reporters were observed covering the war wearing gasmasks, just in case Saddam released chemical weapons.

No gasmasks were seen in Denver dispensaries, despite what some considered to be obvious fume issues. Locals applauded the reporters' courage, "They're very brave…and laid back."

Random outbreaks of mellowness have been reported across the state, but many old-timers attributed them to particularly good ski conditions in the mountains. "A good snow year always cheers people up!"

By day two a mass exodus of journalists, many of whom sustained bloodshot eyes during the hazardous assignment, clogged Denver International Airport. One well-known television reporter grumbled, "Well, that's that. From here on a pot story will be as exciting as a MAN BUYS SIXPACK headline."

ICE – it's natural, it's "green."

Sometimes it's good, very good. Sometimes it's bad, very bad.

Good ice – In your drink. The Brits tend to drink things "neat," without ice. Good Mercans like their libations "ice cold."

It's a fact that cooling something dulls its taste.

If you're drinking cheap wine dropping an ice cube in it will make it a little more palatable. If your drinking a good white wine it's usually cool, like down in the cellar cool, not ice cold.

If what you're drinking speaks more to anti-freeze than bouquet, throw a bunch of ice in there. Hopefully the desired, end result, will be the same.

Bad ice – Say "Titanic."

Good ice – Hockey. And it's a perfect background color for all that bright red blood.

Bad ice – Ernest Shackleton, an early polar explorer. Antarctic pack ice ate his ship, The Endurance…bad pack ice.

Good ice – Wildlife that lives around ice has adapted to it and thrives on and under it. Without the ice the wildlife will suffer and, eventually, cease to exist.

Bad ice – Skiers and snowboarders don't much fancy ice. It's quite slippery and quite hard. Go up to your roof and dive onto the pavement headfirst. That's what skiing and falling on ice is like.
This doesn't apply in New England where they think ice is firm-ish powder.

Good ice – Ice climbers, as you might suspect, like ice. Yes, it's cold and slippery, but try digging that pointy little ax and those spiky things on your boots into say…granite. Ice is way better for digging into.

Bad ice – The Russian ship, Akademik Shokalskiy (Translation – Academic Shokalskiy) is trapped in pack ice near Antarctica. The vessel has been stuck since before Christmas.

Ice in those parts sticks around forever. When scientists want to find samples of pure water from long ago they take core samples from ice in Antarctica. Conceivably, this could be the same nasty pack ice that ate Shackleton's ship… lurking, waiting … bad pack ice.

The crew and scientists aboard the Shokalskiy have remained in good spirits, but that will be ending soon as they only had enough booze to last through New Year's Eve.

A nearby Chinese icebreaker will dispatch a helicopter to rescue passengers, twelve at a time, if the ice doesn't release its grip by the time the weather clears.

The 72 aboard the Shokalskiy have indicated that they'd settle for a liquor delivery, but it would seem that Chinese icebreakers don't use the stuff.
Silly Chinese icebreaker, bad, terrorist pack ice.

As of Thursday all non-crewmembers had been safely evacuated to the Chinese icebreaker…the one with no bar.

In a major journalistic coup NSA Director, Keith Alexander, has granted an exclusive interview to the Treetops Tattler.

Following this week's admission that in June he had lied to a congressional committee when he testified that NSA snooping had thwarted no less than fifty-four terrorist plots. "It was more like two," Alexander confessed.

The NSA had gathered email address books from just about everyone. "Listen, I was just looking for Miley Cyrus' email, I have some things I really need to say to her, we just cast a largish net."

The Tattler was eager to begin the interview.

Treetops Tattler – You seem awfully cheerful… is there something we don't know?

Keith Alexander – You bet there is, after all, we're the NSA!

TT – Can you give us a hint?

KA – I'll just tell you. We managed to get the credit card information from millions of Target customers and absolutely no one noticed!

TT – Actually everyone noticed, it's front-page news.

KA – Not a clue…it was our cleanest job yet. Not that we're going to do anything with the information. We just want to see if we could get away with it. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

TT – Well, if you did do something with the information, what would it be?

KA – We'd protect the good Americans we just stole the information from. Just like tracking your every move…it's to protect you.

TT – So, you feel things are going well?

KA – You bet, we just got word that Snowden feels his job is done…he's got a gig making snow in Sochi… never liked the guy.

TT – Well, what is next for you folks?

KA – We just got some backchannel rumors that there's a ship stuck in the ice near Antarctica. We've sent a man with a dogsled to check it out. It could be terrorists. There are Americans down there that need protecting.

TT – Anything else?

KA – Absolutely, next we're going to find out the landline telephone numbers of everyone in the United States.

TT – Aren't there things called "telephone books?"

KA – What?

In shocking news out of Pawtucket Rhode Island it has been announced that local teacher, Wayne Bing, puts his pants on two legs at a time.

First met with disbelief, news organizations across New England have observed and confirmed the phenomena.

In an exclusive interview with the Tattler Mrs. Bing, a stay at home pet owner, explained how the freakish behavior became public.

"It was after dinner on a typical Saturday night. Wayne and I were relaxing, watching some porn, when one of the characters, referring to another character stated, 'sure…but he still puts his pants on one leg at a time like everyone else."

"Well, Wayne and I looked at each other, both of us mouthing "WHAT?" at the same time. We didn't know what to think."

"Wayne has always put his pants on two legs at a time and we assumed that was the way everyone did it. Of course, when I wear slacks I put them on one leg at a time, but we both just felt I was a little backward and never talked about it. I always thought that was very kind of Wayne."

"The next day I started calling some close friends. It's funny, there was a lot of silence when I'd ask them how they put their pants on!" Mrs. Bing went on, "But it was pretty clear that Wayne was in a league of his own."

Since going public Mr. Bing, a humble math teacher, has hired an agent and a publicist. "I really feel that this is my fifteen minutes and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. I've even given my technique a name…The Binghop."

Mrs. Bing explained, "We're thinking Wayne can make the late night talk show circuit. Sometimes he can be quite entertaining putting his pants on. He doesn't always "stick the landing" as they say in the Olympics. I understand that those blooper shows are very popular, and things like that are all over the You Tube."

"I'd love to get one of those You Tubes… do you think they sell them at Wal-Mart?"

The Bings are also hoping for a book deal.

Well, so much for global warming. It seems that a leading authority on climate change has turned out to be just as crazy as the climate change deniers… the dinosaurs died of old age and the ice caps aren't melting…they're shrinking.

John C. Beale, a Senior Policy Advisor at the Environmental Protection Agency, has pled guilty to defrauding the government out of about a million dollars… counting benefits.

While working for the EPA, Beale told his coworkers and superiors that he was an agent working with the CIA.

He wasn't.

I wonder if real CIA guys go around telling lots of people they're CIA guys? I know I'm a spy and I don't go around telling everyone.

It's interesting that no one at the EPA got suspicious of this fellow blabbing about his other job in the spy industry.

Oh well, whacky bureaucrats keeping their eyes straight ahead and not rocking the boat.

In 2008 alone the guy collected $200,000 in salary and benefits along with first class airfares and stays at five star hotels.

He almost never went to work. At one point he didn't show up at his office for eighteen months.

On a personal note – now that Mr. Beale's job is open I'll be applying for it, he was the highest paid individual at the EPA. So I would appreciate a recommendation from you if I ask.

So this guy rarely showed up at the office with the excuse that he was running around on secret missions for the CIA, all the while collecting paychecks from the EPA. And it never occurred to his then boss Gina McCarthy, now head of the EPA, to suggest that if he was working for the CIA and not showing up at the EPA maybe he should… you know, try getting by on his CIA salary.

His lawyer says there's something wrong with him and he's seeing a shrink. Seems there's a few other people at the EPA who have something wrong with them.

The shrink says he's compelled to engage in risky behavior. It would seem that it wasn't all that risky for quite some time.

Your tax dollars at work.

"Imagine if you will" was a phrase that Rod Serling would often use to open episodes of The Twilight Zone. A good deal of imagination was indeed required, along with a healthy suspension of disbelief, because the sets were made out of plywood, corrugated cardboard and duct tape. You were watching a black and white TV, and the reception was often so bad you couldn't tell the bombing of Dresden from a pleasant stroll in the country.

Serling's weird tales often took the viewer into the future…the future made out of cardboard.

The future has been dealt with since the beginning of film. Remember that early movie, From the Earth to the Moon? A projectile is fired out of a huge cannon and it gets lodged in the eye of an appropriately disgruntled moon?

Special effects have come a long way and now when that Alien starts exploding peoples' faces, instead of suspending disbelief, you have to keep telling yourself it's only a movie.
And instead of traveling at whatever speed a bullet travels at, we're zipping around the cosmos at the speed of light…FAST.

Oddly enough, one thing hasn't changed in all the futures that have been offered up to us over the years…flashlights. The future hasn't changed flashlight technology one iota in all this time. Maybe that's because flashlight technology hasn't changed in reality either. Sure you can summon up some kind of flashlight app on the smart phone that you use to take pictures, make movies and watch television. But the flashlight app is still, really, the same old flashlight.

Why are space guys that can travel at the speed of light using flashlights purchased at Wal-Mart in 2013?

Perhaps even worse are the contemporary crime dramas in which the good guys enter a pitch black room and, instead of doing what you and I have been doing ever since we could reach the light switch… TURNING IT ON …they whip out the tiniest flashlights in the world, the ones that produce about the same illumination as a single match.

Those flashlights might be perfect for freezing a mouse in its tracks, but to me, are a little underpowered for finding that huge homicidal maniac with the idling chainsaw (that they can't hear) lurking in the shadows.

Mostly I guess we were better off with those prop kerosene lanterns that, when lit, would illuminate an entire soundstage.

I want one of them when the power goes out.

In an unscheduled appearance God spoke to a stunned crowd at a Chippewa Falls (Wisconsin) skating rink.

Braving -8 degree temperatures the Deity announced that he was, "displeased with the way things were going down here."

As whispers and speculation rippled through the awestruck crowd, the Supreme Being, manifested in the form of a flaming hockey stick, suggested that, "he'd had enough."

While the assembled, smallish, throng waited to hear some new revelation about the Middle East or man's inhumanity to man or possibly reality TV, the hockey stick grew to a brilliance that had those present throwing themselves to the ground and shielding their eyes.

God spoke, "What up with this new Pope Francis being named Time Magazine's Person of the Year?"

The crowd gasped.

Yahweh continued, "Right from the get-go I had this guy pegged as an Obama style pinko and then those crazy bastards at the Vatican give him the "big promotion" and now this!"

Insiders report that Jehovah got an urgent call from the German city of Limburg's Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz van Elst, known as "Bishop Bling."

Earlier this year the Pope had relieved Bling of his duties over the building, with church funds, of a 31 million € (euro) complex in the medieval city, that included a 2.9 million € residence for himself which held a 15,000 € bathtub.

Pope Francis has incurred the wrath of the rich and powerful since his election, with his humility, devotion to the poor and contempt for ostentation and wealth.

Vatican observers feel that with this appearance of God, the pontiff has taken ticking off the powerful about as far as possible.

God continued, "How come this new guy fired my bro Franz-Peter…we're supposed to have nice places?"

At that point a small boy dressed in goalie gear pointed out that 31 million € was 60,117,370,000 lire.

Upon hearing this revelation God roared, "Are you kidding? That's messed up… my bad, NEVER MIND!" in a voice so thundering that it cracked the ice in the rink and sent staff scrambling for Zambonis.

As the hockey stick began to fade it was heard muttering something about, "still not getting the euro thing."

The latest revelation resulting from the Edward Snowden leaks is that, apparently, the NSA is tracking everyones' movements at all times. I'm going to fix their wagon… I'm staying home.

Maybe if everyone stayed home they'd get bored and do something more useful than tracking when teenagers go to the mall to waste time.

Keeping track of where everyone is and where they're going has to be wildly time consuming, more than a full time job.

The Superbowl is probably a big vacation day at the NSA because most people are home. Those that aren't home are in bars, and that just about covers it. I hope the folks at the NSA have a good Superbowl Sunday…maybe find a bar to watch the game in, or spend some time with the family.

I feel bad for the people tracking me. My life bores me, I can't imagine the ennui it must inspire in an observer. If it would help I'd just give them some kind of schedule and they could have a little more free time, get a little excitement in their lives. If a lot of people did that it might save the government some money. I understand there are money issues.

It could be a quid pro quo sort of thing. If we just go ahead and tell them where we're going to be, maybe when we can't find our car in that huge parking lot there'd be a number we could call and someone would tell us where the hell it is.

Or where we left our keys…they're not on the table in the hall!

As usual, when the government does something they know people aren't going to like they say it's for our own good, that they're protecting us.

Congress should create a government agency in charge of protecting us from the government.

The current head of the NSA is General Keith B. Alexander. He's stepping down in the spring, but maybe if everyone in the world writes him a letter with their schedules, from now to then he'll feel appreciated, or at least be too busy reading them to cause too much trouble.

This week Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced that his company was entertaining the thought of delivering packages by drone.

To have a drone landing on your front lawn with your Victoria's Secret order you'd have to live within ten miles of one of Amazon's giant shipping centers. Of course, if you live within ten miles of where your order is, you could just run down there and pick it up yourself.

Nonetheless some people are freaking out over the idea of drones landing on their lawns.

I wonder if it's occurred to the freaking out people, that if they don't want drones delivering stuff to their lawns, all they have to do is not place an order.

Too easy.

We've come to associate the term drones with those spaceship looking things that we use to vaporize terrorists in the Middle East. People have a somewhat negative opinion of drones because, apparently while vaporizing terrorists, we are also vaporizing a few of their neighbors…our bad.

But the term drone can really mean a number of different things. Technically I guess those remote control model airplanes that have been around for years are drones. The fact that people haven't been equipping them with guided missiles has kept their reputation fairly benign. Well…that's behind us now.

The drones that would be delivering your Amazon packages are helicopters. That technology is pretty advanced and is currently being used for all kinds of things, a lot of which involve video cameras. Hollywood uses them for spectacular effects shots and TV use them to cover sports and concerts and such.

Your neighbor can use one to get a load of the wife trying on that Victoria's Secret stuff the other drone delivered.

We might as well get used to drones, you can't keep cool technology like that down. The best thing would be to start building a fleet of your own. Equip them with everything from video cameras to flame throwers…you never know.

Now that Black Friday has come and gone, those Americans left standing are pausing to give thanks. Randy Bowlting, spokesperson for retailers in the greater Brattleboro (Vt.) area, announced that local merchants claimed record sales with K.I.A.'s (killed in action) and collateral damage being lower than expected. "I believe we can thank the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) for that," Bowlting enthused.

2013 is the first year that Black Friday has been administered and sanctioned by the UFC. UFC Vice President of Operations, Lane Dingham, commented, "The baby Jesus did a great job running the show for a couple millennia and, of course, we all remember Santa Claus, but times have changed and people have to change along with the times.

The UFC is credited for bringing Mixed Martial Arts competitions to the United States and establishing rules and guidelines for homicidal maniacs trying to kill each other using any means at hand. Dingham feels, "We were a perfect fit for Black Friday, it was a same show different people sort of thing!"

The UFC is compiling footage from malls across America of shoppers body slamming and tasing each other for a Christmas Eve special that will be available on Pay Per View.
"We're hoping to bring the Black Friday shopping experience right into people's living rooms."

"Of course we're used to dealing with trained professionals but you'll be amazed at the skill sets of some of these women who only come out and compete once a year. We'll be holding some clinics in Vegas this summer, in the manner of other sports franchises, in which amateurs can work with MMA professionals to hone their skills. We feel that with more training we can offer Black Friday viewers a more sophisticated product but with fewer fatalities. We don't want to get into "snuff shopping"...yet."

Yesterday two U.S. B-52 bombers flew into Chinese airspace. General J. Bernet explained, "There are a lot of people in the United States who want to know if you can see our money from that altitude."

There was no immediate response by the Chinese government, but a highly placed source is said to have indicated that, "It really wasn't a big deal because we keep all of America's money in the American banks we own."

Upon landing in Guam, pilot Wayne Bing confessed that, "I was apprehensive about the mission at first, but the wife urged me to go. She wanted me to keep an eye out for the best place to buy knock-off Gucci bags. Most people can't tell the difference!"

China has created an "air defense identification zone" above some islands whose ownership it is disputing with Japan. The islands called "Diaoyu" in China, "Senkaku" in Japan and "Those Goddamn Islands With Unpronounceable Names" in the U. S., are located between Japan and the Chinese mainland.

Tensions in the region are a big deal to the U.S. because we are obligated by treaty to defend Japan if it is attacked. Presumably the treaty is mutual and Japan is obliged to defend us if they attack us….like before…you know.

China is claiming that the islands are theirs because Japan snatched them up in the late 1800's when Japan was snatching up a lot of stuff. Japan's posture is that if China didn't fancy them snatching up their islands in the 1800's…the 1800's would have been the time to gripe about it.

For the last year paramilitary Chinese ships have been making regular incursions into the disputed waters.

The world community is currently trying to figure out what a "paramilitary ship" is.

In an unofficial communiqué to Washington, Chinese officials are suggesting that we might want to relax on this issue, as they may consider creating air defense zones over all the property it owns in the U.S.

"You guys don't really want to be traveling by Greyhound for the foreseeable future, do you?"

The fate of Native Americans, land grabbing white guys and turkeys have now been forever bound to the quest for bargains on Thanksgiving, the most uniquely American of holidays.

It wasn't too long ago that the only choice for after meal activities for Pilgrims and Indians alike was to lie on the couch and watch the game, or lie on the couch and sleep off the meal. Okay, you could interface with relatives you haven't laid eyes on since the previous year, but that's a poor option and not recommended. One thing you could count on was that NOTHING would be open if you ventured out. You'd have a hard time finding an open gas station in an emergency. Sure all hell would break loose on Friday, but Thursday you were safe.

Now as the run up to Thanksgiving gains momentum, the anticipation for black Friday has been diminished due to the fact that November has become a month of Fridays. The sales have already started and greed is abroad in the land. If you were hoping to put off the crazed shopping lust till the day after Thanksgiving, too bad… November has become a month of Friday the thirteenths.

Hopefully, grandma was able to get to the grocery store and score a turkey between trips to the mall…if she had any money left. If you're a retailer, every day is a good day to get your hand into the pockets of eager shoppers, but there's something about the holidays that makes it special, so black Friday has become black November.

Thanksgiving is supposed to have us dwelling on images of Pilgrims and Indians (that's what we used to call them) sitting around having a swell meal. Since turkeys are indigenous to the part of the world where the meal took place, we assume that they were on the menu, hence, the seasonal turkey slaughter. The turkeys are glad that we're not having bird for dinner every day this month the way we're supposed to be shopping every day.

In Washington D.C. each year the President "pardons" one turkey. The turkey this year, a bird named Marjorie, expressed her gratitude and pointed out that her being spared was more than the Indians did for the 7th Cavalry at the Little Big Horn… thus giving the current administration the moral high ground over the savages that we herded onto reservations so we could steal their land.

No one knows what really happens to the turkeys after the ceremonial "pardon." They're never seen running around the Whitehouse grounds, or in cages in zoos with signs saying, "Pardoned Turkey." Maybe they're on reservations with the other guests from the first Thanksgiving.

Perhaps we should put the NSA on this, they probably have the turkeys' cell phones bugged… along with the Indians and everyone else.

For several years now the United States has been the object of some very mean spirited international jealousy.

Sure, there are many things about the U. S. that other nations can envy, spectacular beauty, abundant natural resources, a great spy agency, stand up comedy. But what has turned the international community positively green was the fact that we are the only nation that has Lindsay Lohan. Why, with our abundance of blessings, did we end up with Lindsay on top of all that? Where's the fairness?

Lindsay has single-handedly kept the vapid celebrity magazine and low rent tabloid business alive during times when other industries were withering. Every nation in the western world has their own version of these publications…where's their Lindsay?

The U.K. made a little run at it a couple years ago when that nice Prince Harry disabused the world of the notion that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a tragic bit of miscasting to send such a fundamentally decent person on a mission like that. Compared to Ms. Lohan, he wasn't even a talented amateur…it was embarrassing.

Bravely, a former colony to our north has taken up the challenge and the city of Toronto has offered its Mayor, Rob Ford, in the "we want a Lindsay too" sweepstakes.

Ford is no Prince Harry, and it would be an unfair apples and oranges type of thing to compare the two. We really, really, hope that we never see Rob Ford splashing around with bikini-clad hotties or in an extreme state of undress shooting pool, and I seriously doubt that the Prince has ever indulged in Ford's blackout drunk, crack puffing, type of wrongdoing.

But Ford does have a family thing going for him. So far neither Lohan's mom or dad have been nominated for the coveted stage parent of the year award, and similarly Ford's brother Doug seems to think that whatever Rob is up to is just fine.

The siblings share what a show business euphemism describes as "bad esthetics." Slobs built like bowling balls wouldn't be pejorative, simply descriptive. Say what you will about Lindsay, she enjoys pretty good esthetics…so far.

Everyone likes Canada and the people there, and we sure wish them luck with their own Lindsay Lohan…but if this is the best they can do, I hope they don't try to create their own Kim Kardashian.

Halloween is over. That means two things, cheap candy (if you don't buy it now, you'll be eating it next year…so PLEASE buy some) and the big Christmas push is on.

Thanksgiving you ask….what about Thanksgiving? Well, if you go into stores you'll notice that somehow we've leapfrogged right over that tragically non-commercial holiday. I suspect this is because even after two hundred years people haven't been able to figure out how to use it to sell stuff.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have one thing in common, both holidays make turkeys nervous. But everything that happens after Halloween is referred to as, "the holiday season" so I don't know why we don't just make it one big holiday.

Christmas trees are arguably the most recognizable image of Christmas… why doesn't Thanksgiving have something like that?
Who started Thanksgiving…the Pilgrims. Where did the Pilgrims land…Plymouth rock. Why aren't there vacant lots all over the country gaily lit and selling Thanksgiving boulders? Take one home and decorate it, oops, don't set it down on the cat! After a while, you roll the colorful boulder out and replace it with the Christmas tree. Reuse the lights and stuff from the boulder.

Carols – how come there aren't countless sweet songs commemorating the Puritans braving a vast, angry, ocean to come to America and have the freedom to be sexually repressed and burn witches. There could be a Halloween tie in here!

Crèche's – those tiny nativity scenes depicting Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the animals in the manger. Thanksgiving could have little tableaus of the Pilgrims and Native Americans sitting down to a nice meal before we steal their land.

Thanksgiving could easily flow right in to Thanksgetting (Christmas) without missing a beat.

Tis the season… fa la la la la la la gobble gobble boo.

The rocky rollout of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) continues on its rocky road.

This is the only thing currently bringing any joy to its opponents, who seem to have trouble winning elections despite their firm belief that each and every American is squarely behind them. We all know how fickle each and every American is.

The people who hate Obamacare hate it because it smacks of socialism. They want the government out of your private business…unless of course, you have female reproductive organs; they're everyones' business.

Opponents to Obamacare don't want the government in the insurance business. The insurance business doesn't want the government in the insurance business.

Insurance is big business, big money. Insurance companies do two things. They spend piles of money advertising in an effort to get you to but their product. Once you do, it means paying them money every single month till the end of your life. If you miss a payment, they dump you. They've never paid you anything, and now they never will, but they get to keep all the money you've already sent them. Good deal. How do I get millions of people to send me money every month?

The other thing they do is to apply every resource available to avoid paying you when you do have a claim…there's lots of fine print in an insurance policy.

Insurance companies buy politicians, oops… I mean lobby politicians, to make sure the government stays out of their business.

The thing is if the government got in to the insurance business it MIGHT deliver what you paid for.

Also, if the government was making some of that yummy insurance money, they could use it to pay for those arbitrary and unnecessary wars we keep getting into.

War is good for business… ask Halliburton.

So people who hate Obamacare might want to weigh the downside of their insurance company buddies losing some money, with the upside of the government making some money (something I hear the government needs) and someone who's house is swept away in a flood getting compensated, instead of being told to take a hike because it was the rain and not a flood that sent their house downstream.

Okay, it's official; we don't get to look down at corrupt, weasel politicians in developing nations any more.

It's been a good ride, being self-delusional and supercilious. One of the best parts of thinking that we were superior was that "we" meant us, the U.S., and places like Canada and most of Europe that, face it, Americans think of as just being parts of the United States that you need a passport to enter.

American politicians have been putting forth a valiant effort to be as low rent and sleazy as the worst of their third world counterparts for years now but, unbelievably, Canada (that large, cold state to the north) seems to have nosed us out for the time being.

Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, has admitted to using crack cocaine. He admitted this because a video of him doing so has surfaced. Technology is a wonderful thing. Everyone has a camera with them at all times and anyone can whip it out and capture that spectacular sunset, beautiful sunrise or…..well…Rob.

Rob has blamed his crack smoking on being drunk. I'm going to have to get a lot of crack and booze into myself before doing one really dumb thing is a logical defense for doing another really dumb thing. If I had any political aspirations I'd try, but I don't, so no crack and booze combos for me.

While being drunk is no excuse for smoking crack, being drunk and high on crack may be an excellent defense for some really bad political decisions. This is a defense our leaders in Washington haven't thought of…yet. It would be refreshing if the folks who allowed the government to be shut down would get up in front of microphones and say, "Look, I'm sorry, I was really, really high."

I'm not willing to put too much dough on that eventuality.

But they might as well. And someone might want to mention to Rob Ford in case his career in Canadian politics is over that he could always immigrate to the U.S., get naturalized and run for office here.

Here, you can get busted drunk, high on crack and lying on top of a hooker, and still think you get to run for office again in two or three years.

Hey, no one's perfect.

What can you say about zombies? Well, one thing you can say is that they’re everywhere. They’ve taken over the imagination of popular culture. They’ve segued from B movies to literature to television…I’m not sure if “literature” is the right word here. There are even zombie romantic comedies… something of a leap from lurching around eating people’s brains.

With the current trend of focusing on the warm, cuddly side of zombies it’s important to not lose sight of the ongoing downside of zombies, and there’s one downside that movies, television and books have been unable to explore.

Remember the time that little mouse died behind one of your walls? Remember the smell? Pretty bad. I don’t really know how much a mouse weighs because I can never get my cats to drop their tragic, dismembered bodies on the bathroom scale, but I do know that zombies weigh a lot more. So if you take the stench/weight ratio of a tiny dead mouse and multiply it by the mouse/zombie weight ratio…I think you’re getting my drift here. That walking mass of decaying flesh, whether it’s trying to eat your brain, or wants to take you to the prom, has got to smell some god awful bad.

You just never thought of that before now because they haven’t invented SMELL-O-VISION yet. Lets hope they don’t in our lifetime, especially if you frequent zombie movies.

So, if a zombie calls you up and asks you for a date, try to remember that no matter how nice he or she seems, you can’t smell things through your phone …yet.

But, say what you will about the undead, you also have to say they’re nice and thin, supermodel thin.

Which brings me to my zombie inspired cookbook, that will soon be available on this website.

You say, of course, with all that decaying and lurching around zombies are going to be thin. But it’s more than that. Brains are high in protein and low in fat. Unless your in Washington, and then it’s the opposite.

So the secrets of a healthy zombie diet will be your ticket to being zombie thin for the rest of your death.

Order your book today!

Carl Leonard of Milwaukee likes to walk around his apartment naked with the shades up. Carl doesn't mind if the NSA watches, "as long as they just look, no touching." Everyone else in the country has a little problem with getting spied on 24/7.

To hear the NSA's justification, it would seem that all this spying is being done to defend us from our enemies… you know… Germany, France, Spain, Great Britain.

Oddly, the leaders in those enemy countries are as uncomfortable with being snooped on as everyone here in the U.S. is, except of course, for Mr. Leonard. This seems to be creating some bruised feelings back at the NSA.

"We're angry too. We have a former employee named Edward Snowden who's on a very long vacation in Russia… what up with that sh*t," explained a reliable source. Essentially, they're annoyed at him for doing to the NSA what the NSA has been doing to the rest of the world. So, you can't blame them.

At first Mr. Snowden was viewed as a rat and a traitor. Now, the worse the NSA looks, the better Snowden does. Recent polls show that among Democrats Snowden is considerably more popular than Ted Cruz and among Republicans he is way more popular than Harry Reid. In other words, Snowden could probably be president in 2016 if he comes back to the United States, and they don't throw him in jail till the end of time.

So, watch out Hillary and whomever.

One can hope that as long as we're spying on our buddies in Europe, that we're spending a little more effort spying on our buddies in the Middle East. At least our allies in the West have common goals, like making the world a better, safer place. In the Middle East the only thing that distinguishes our "buddy" brutal despots and medieval monarchies from our "enemy" brutal despots and medieval monarchies, is whether they play ball with us or not. That's it. None of them have anything but their own self-interest and picking U.S. taxpayer's pockets in mind.

It's just that some of them are our buddies.

So, hey, let's listen in on the Saudi's for a while.

It seems that a lot of folks are ticked off at us lately. Not you and me personally…the United States of America and our spy guys at the NSA.

I was going to list all the people and nations who were ticked off at us but I started and found there wasn't enough room on the internet. So I decided it would be easier to just list all the people who weren't ticked at us.
See, that didn't take up much room at all! And, as a matter of fact, the list of people who aren't mad at us is the same as the list of people we aren't spying on… still not taking up much space.

George Orwell probably thought when he wrote his prescient book 1984 that, because he had clearly warned everyone, it would never happen. SURPRISE! It just took us a little longer to get our technology together.

We now have an unprecedented ability to gather information. Considering the stuff I can dredge up on this computer, I'm not remotely surprised. What surprises me is that the NSA can find people to look at all the information they gather while sleazing around. I mean…BORING! The NSA is more than welcome to all the information they can dig up about me… it would be a lot like taking sleeping pills… ZZZZ

Maybe the NSA could somehow justify all of this information gathering if they could make a few bucks off it to pay the country's bills.

I think it's called industrial espionage. We could steal big business secrets from abroad and then sell them for huge amounts of money to big businesses here…the ones that get around paying taxes anyway. And if you're big oil or something like that, you get government subsidies while you're avoiding taxes.

So we pay down the national debt by helping big businesses screw each other.

Everyone likes to see giant corporations get screwed…they do it to us every day. Lets just make a couple bucks helping them screw themselves.

"Dear God…where is the trust?" So lamented Texas Senator Ted Cruz when he learned that the NSA was spying on our allies. "What makes them think that Germany and our other friends would want to bring down the government of the United States? That's our job." Cruz elaborated, "You know that time your neighbor caught you with your nose up to his bedroom window watching his wife undress? It's like that…embarrassing." Cruz went on, "That's just a hypothetical you know…I never…"

It's even more embarrassing if West German Chancellor Angela Merkel is the neighbor.

We (America) didn't deny a little peeping; we just claimed that everyone does it… but that we were the only one to get caught with our pants down around our ankles.

Given the amount of technology that's available to the average six year old it's not surprising the United States government can listen in on anyone in the world any time they want. Couple guys at NSA, "Hey Joe, what do you suppose Jennifer Aniston's up to? "Don't know Fred, let's check it out."

Technology is like having a gun, just because you have one doesn't mean you should get to go around shooting people.

Merkel first became suspicious that someone might be listening when husband Joachim received an anonymous phone call on his way home from work. It was a hang up call indicating that he'd forgotten to pick up the dry cleaning and adding a few items to the grocery list. Unnamed sources inside NSA suggested, "Well, we try to be helpful."

The German Chancellor placed a collect phone call to the Whitehouse.

Aides say there was a frank and candid exchange of views.

A press conference with First Lady Michelle Obama left reporters with the distinct impression that someone would be sleeping on the couch for a week.

This week researchers at Colombia University announced a breakthrough in the quest seeking a cure for baldness. Hair loss is said to afflict 50% of all Americans and, of the over sixty crowd, its 60% of men and 80% of women.

It is presumed that a cure for baldness would be a success on par with Viagra; something I'm not familiar with, but am told is a cure for softness. I'm also told that the product is not used by women…at least not on themselves.

The potential of billions of dollars that could be made on a cure for baldness is in stark contrast with the zeros of dollars that are being made on the cure for obesity…NOT EATING. The obesity cure is a pill that is not being taken. I'm sure if a baldness cure pill had to be accompanied by a drastic reduction of ones calorie intake to be effective, there'd be just as many bald people running around as ever.

Statistics tell us that 69.2% percent of Americans are overweight and 35.9% of them are obese, and yet the "stop eating" cure has never caught on.

What Americans do instead is buy countless books on dieting. If that doesn't work, some of the truly dedicated will also read the books. This approach is rarely tied to the missing of a meal or an increase in physical activity. Success has been limited.

For quite some time now my advice to young people just finishing high school or college, who want to get ahead, has been to either write a weight loss book or take up tattoo removal.

I honestly don't think you have to know anything to write a diet book. As previously pointed out, most people think that just buying the book is enough, and those who actually read it feel that just reading it is enough. No one's actually going to try to live on nothing but rubber bands and Kleenex tissues for three months like you suggest.

For the non-literary types tattoo removal can be a viable alternative for success. It can require some medical training…unless you can get your patient in the same condition he was in when he got the tattoo. In that case that cheese grater in the kitchen drawer will do nicely.

Oh, and good luck with that shiny head of yours.

One of the results of Washington's recent love fest was a rise in mortgage rates. That's pretty good news because people didn't want places to live anyway, and those who did purchase homes with predatory mortgages issued by greedy bankers were terrified that the screwing they were enjoying would end sometime.

The best news to come out of more than two weeks of congressional clusterboinking was that the stock market actually went up in value, so at least the rich continued to get richer while the rest of the country continued to take it from behind. Yea rich people!

On Sept. 24, Jamie Dimon, CEO of JP Morgan Chase, called Attorney General Eric Holder… "Yo Eric, I hear you're upset about our guys here selling worthless mortgage investments." Apparently Dimon got that crazy idea because the Justice Department was hours away from announcing charges against his weasel bank. "We gotta talk." Thus began weeks of shuck and jive, something big money Wall St. types do better than two bit carneys selling cure-all elixirs.

It would seem that Holder is good at that sort of thing himself, as Dimon ended up agreeing to a 13 billion dollar settlement. The fact that they agreed to a settlement that large makes you wonder just how much they really screwed people.

13 billion dollars represents half of Morgan Chase's profits last year. If you'd like to take a moment to cry this out and gather your composure, you can stop reading for a bit.

Dimon, who still enjoys the confidence of the board of directors at Morgan Chase, is optimistic, "China is thinking about buying the District of Colombia and a couple New England states. If that goes through we'll hold the paper."

Just before midnight President Obama signed a bill that reopened government and raised the debt ceiling. Furloughed federal workers will be back on the job and will probably be compensated for lost wages during the shutdown. Nonetheless, Standard and Poors has estimated that the shutdown cost the economy 24 billion dollars.

People who had planned a vacation to our national parks were turned away… there was no one to illegally feed the bears. The communities, for whom the parks are their economic engines, had no business. Businesses that service federal facilities across the nation were empty. Countless hard working Americans were affected… bears had to eat bear food.

In a press release, those elected officials who were responsible for all the totally unnecessary misery have announced that they will reimburse victims of the shutdown out of their own pockets.

Wait, wait, I've just received a bulletin. It seems that that there was a severe electrical disturbance, that combined with unusual sunspots, had us receiving a press release from the planet Fairness. We're being told to ignore that one and refer to a new release out of Washington, on planet Earth. This one says, "tough titties." The missive goes on, "Get used to it chumps, we ain't going anywhere."

It seems that the new agreement only funds the government until January 15 and the U.S. will once again face default on February 7. In other words, the government will be open for 90 days before something bad hits the fan again.

A spokesperson for House Morons suggested, "We're stockpiling stuff to throw into the fan and issuing brand new shovels to all the gang."

Press Secretary Jay Carney advises that, "Everybody should do their best to enjoy the holidays, as China has implied that it might just pick up the U.S. cheap at a clearance sale after the first of the year."

While the shutdown of the U.S. government drags on, there was a brief distraction last week when this years Nobel Prizes were announced.

The coveted Peace Prize, often awarded to a world leader who forgot to start a war the previous year, went to a group that is trying to rid the world of chemical weapons. Most people agree that chemical weapons are probably a bad thing, but the sentimental favorite was a Pakistani girl named Malala Yousafzai. Sixteen-year-old Malala was shot in the face by the Talaban two years ago for trying to promote education for women in her country.

Americans are baffled as to why a tiny, little, girl can stand up to vicious, Neanderthal, morons in Pakistan, when Speaker of the House John Boehner can't stand up to vicious, Neanderthal, morons in his own party. Reached for comment Speaker Boehner decried, "But they're mean, and we can't kick the gerrymandering so and sos out."

Recent polls show that Congress is still slightly more popular than the Taliban with most Americans, but analysts warn that, "The numbers are fluid and the Taliban is creeping up. We think that people appreciate that at least the Taliban is honest about wanting to destroy America. If the House of Representatives would just come clean, they might get a little boost."

In the hope of reaching a bi-partisan agreement on anything at all, Speaker Boehner has suggested that we give young Malala American citizenship and keep her here. "We could send Miley Cyrus over there. In the unlikely event that they find that resistible, I'd even be willing to throw in Paris Hilton to sweeten the deal. You know… their best for our best kind of thing."

A spokesman for Ms. Yousafzai explained that she has never heard of Cyrus or Hilton but that she stood firmly with the American people regarding their opinion of congress vis a vis the Taliban.

A Taliban spokesman explained, "At least no one has ever mentioned either Hilton or Cyrus, and education, in the same breath."

In a statement issued from planet Celebusphere, Bruce and Kris Jenner have announced that they are splitting up. For those of you who don't travel to planet Celebusphere regularly, Kris Jenner was once Kris Kardashian, mom to those sweet Kardashian girls.

Rumors have been swirling, suggesting there was tension in the family ever since Bruce stopped letting the kids use his face for a trampoline, "Hey, it costs a fortune to get it this tight…I can't be going in for a tune-up every couple months."

Jenner is said to have moved into his beach house around the same time that daughter Kim moved home with hubby Kanye West and the new baby, North. Jenner denies the connection, "Hey, it was great having Kanye around. I saved a fortune on pay-per-view boxing. I could just open the drapes and watch him punch out the paparazzi."

Youngest daughters Kendall and Kylie spent the summer with dad at the beach, sighting an aversion to eau de diaper as a compelling factor, "We prefer eau de lobster" snarled Kendall.

The hit reality series, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, in its eighth season, will continue with Jenner and all the kids. Producers have mixed feelings as to the possibility of West mixing it up with the camera crew, "These guys are combat veterans, having put up with Kim, Khloe and Kourtney for all these years… we'd hate to see any of them hurt. Then again, it would be interesting to see who has the better right… Khloe´ or Kanye. They don't call her "one punch Khloe" in the editing room for nothing."

The breakup is said to be amicable and no divorce papers have yet been filed. A producer did speculate, "Keeping up" would be more interesting if one or both of them would start dating. It's too bad Mike Tyson cleaned himself up; he would have made a great step dad for the girls, but I don't think you can hang around that family and not be able to have a few pops at the end of the day."

Last week had Miley Cyrus enjoying a higher approval rating among religious fundamentalists than the United States Congress had among the American people. Evangelical preacher Pat Robertson and Taliban leader Mohammed Omar agreed, "Sure the devil Cyrus will burn in hell but compared to the U.S. House of Representatives she seems okay." For those not familiar with the House of Representatives, it's a group of people who all believe that the definition of intelligence is to be the smartest person in a room full of morons.

While surrealism permeated the nation's capitol, unexpected tragedy struck when a young mother was shot to death as she tried to use her vehicle to ram barricades at the White House and again near the Capitol. She is said to have been unhinged and delusional. Unfortunately, authorities thought she was delusional because she felt she was being watched by the government… what could have given her that idea? If you don't think your being watched by the government you're delusional. There are 121,000,000 licensed drivers in the United States and it's a little surprising that they all aren't driving around Washington trying to crash barriers.

The appropriateness of the use of deadly force is being questioned, but when it's pointed out that some senators and representatives might have been winged, most people agreed that a little more deadly force would have been all right.
As Ms. Cyrus enjoys millions in free publicity, some positive and some negative, no one is denying that she's a gifted, young performer. As the U.S. Congress enjoys millions in free publicity, all negative, no one is denying they're a bunch of self-serving weasels.

A statement issued by Speaker of the House, John Boehner's office admitted that, "Many Americans see the Teaparty faction as human twerks. But if we could get the approval numbers of people who are okay with Ms. Cyrus's gyrations, we'd be in much better shape.

We're not taking twerking off the table."

When members of Congress returned after their relaxing vacations, undoubtedly paid for by the sleazy lobbyists they chum around with, their first significant act was to shut down the government of the United States of America. "Everyone wishes that their vacation could just last forever," noted Randall Bolton of the Congressional watchdog group, TCWG.

Since members of the Senate and the House of Representatives will continue to be paid, will continue to have free healthcare and will continue to get all those free goodies from lobbyists, "There was really no incentive to keep the country open," quipped House Majority Leader John Boehner.

With the military still being on the job and getting paid, some people are thinking that, to give them something to do, maybe a coup d' etat would be just the ticket. "What if they went away and never came back?" mused retired troublemaker Loren Jenkman on the possibility of getting rid of Congress once and for all.

In an informal survey in which Americans were asked which congressman or senator they would miss the most if they all suddenly disappeared, no names came to mind. Some respondents mentioned that it would be okay if Kim Kardashian dropped a couple pounds and others thought the Denver Broncos might be unbeatable this year.

A "getting inside the numbers" paper released by congressional watchdog Bolton observed that Congress's current approval rating of ten percent, "Essentially means that even their parents, spouses and children don't like them."

Secret Service Chief of Congressional Security, Wayne Bing, noted, "There's been a significant uptick in congressmen and senators being bitten by dogs the last month. We're anticipating an unusual amount of cat scratchings and skunk sprayings as well… animals have a sense about these things."

It has been revealed that the N.S.A. has been gathering data on Americans' social media connections…just like the rest of the world.

People's tendency to accept friend requests from every Tom, Dick and Harry didn't exactly make this current invasion of everybody's privacy, superspy material. Your eight year old could have pulled it off if he was interested.

Personally, I received a friend request from someone named Raquel Nsa. A rather strange last name I thought, but when I looked up her homepage, I couldn't help but notice that she was quite attractive, seemed to have an exceptional chest and that we had a large number of friends in common, none of whom, like the majority of my facebook friends, I had never laid eyes on. Boom, I had a new facebook friend… 781 and counting.

Imagine my surprise when just a few days later my girlfriend and I were having one of our frequent, fascinating, long and in-depth conversations about facebook and she mentioned that this guy, Brad Nsa, had friended her. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Justin Timberlake and they had many friends in common…none of whom my gal had ever met. Coincidence? Not much of one, neither of us actually knew more than a few of our facebook friends. Since my Raquel noted that she was single and gave every indication that she was "looking," I naturally assumed that she and Brad were brother and sister.

So now my girl and myself and everyone else in America has one more facebook friend, either Brad or Raquel Nsa…you thought it was a funny last name too.

The Nsa siblings have access to everything we post on facebook and will almost certainly be Linkedin with us soon. We'll all be tweeting, chirping, posting and linking merrily away. The Nsas will know everything about us.

They'll know that as of today we still look like the best photograph of us ever taken in high school or college. They'll know that we all live in beautiful houses in resort communities that other people dream of just visiting once in their lives. They'll know that we go to parties with big celebrities and that we're dating the most beautiful men and women imaginable.

I wouldn't worry too much about what the N.S.A. learns about us on social media.

The Volkswagen Group announced this week that it would no longer produce the iconic VW Bus.

The ride of choice for hippies and counterculture types since the sixties, the last of its breed will roll off the Sao Paulo (Brazil) assembly line soon.

The Tattler has all its investigative resources attempting to find a hippie who remembers the sixties. Editor P Martin Shoemaker commented, "We feel the nostalgia could be suffocating…especially combined with all that pungent smoke."

The VW bus was a one of a kind vehicle for years, until in the early eighties, when Lee Iacocca reinvented it as the mini-van for Chrysler. Hailed as a genius for saving that company, when asked what took him so long he responded, "Hey, I was a little busy inventing planned obsolescence for a while there."

You will remember that planned obsolescence was a business plan in which automobile parts were deliberately designed to fail after a certain amount of time so the company could sell replacement parts to the lucky vehicle owner. Replacement parts are hugely profitable.

Many "lucky owners" are hoping that Lee ends up driving a Ford Pinto in hell.

Fortunately for Iacocca, he's mostly remembered for the mini-van and not for continuing to pick the customer's pocket for years after the initial purchase of the vehicle.

In the early years of the hippie/VW Bus love affair, the artistically inclined hippie would acquire his VW Bus, smoke a bale of pot, drop some acid, get out the paint and brushes and proceed to personalize his new ride.

The summer of love wouldn't have been nearly as lovely without those examples of how much could be accomplished when stoned to the gills.

Some of those hippie artists turned pro, formed companies, and had careers painting VW Busses for less artistically inclined but well-heeled hippies.

Now that is ending, those artists are bound for the ranks of the unemployed.

However the Obama administration, gravely concerned with unemployment numbers has decided that if the government can bail out greedhead millionaire bankers, it can help out some unemployed hippies.

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has announced that all unemployed hippie artists will be given jobs painting drones. "I think it will brighten up the entire program, and brings a little joy into the lives of those about to be vaporized."

In a move that has sent shockwaves from one side of the Atlantic to the other, Italian authorities have dismissed charges against Costa Concordia Captain Francesco Schettino.

Prosecutor Francesco Verusio lamented, "Our case against Schettino was becoming weak," apparently a reference to Moldovan dancer Dominica Cemortaro's statements providing Schettino with an alibi, "He couldn't have done it...he was on top of me at the time."

Verusio brightened and chortled, "However, there are other fish in the sea, ha ha."

He went on to stun assembled journalists by announcing that Perugian prosecutor Giuliano Mignini would be taking over the case and that American college student Amanda Knox would be charged with all crimes associated with the cruise ship disaster. Mignini stepped to the microphone and glared, "Of course she's guilty, she wasn't there...it's a slam dunk."

Knox was convicted of murdering her roommate in Perugia, Italy in 2007, despite the fact that another individual had already been convicted and was in prison for the crime. "So?" was prosecutor Mignini's comment on that topic.

Even though there was no physical evidence to connect Knox to the death of her roommate, Amanda Kircher, Knox spent four years in an Italian jail before having her conviction overturned by the Italian Supreme Court.

"You think it's easy inventing an entire case?" Mignini grumbled.

Mignini has a history of fabricating cases involving ritualistic, Satanic, S and M type murders, and has been convicted of prosecutorial misconduct. When reporters thought it might be interesting to interview his wife, he demurred... "She's not available for comment, she's all tied up right now."

Mignini vowed to get a conviction, "When I'm done with this demon, we'll know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and the name of the iceberg that sunk the Titanic."

When asked if she planned to travel to the island of Giglio for the Costa Concordia trial, the fetching coed responded, "Well, everyone likes a beach vacation but..."

This week, as a matter of coincidence, irony or careful planning, the raising of the cruise ship Costa Concordia was begun on the same day the trial of its Captain, Francesco Schettino, commenced.

You will remember that in January of 2012 the massive vessel collided with the island of Giglio off the coast of Italy.

The findings of those tasked with investigating the incident were that there was "significant human error" involved. Captain Schettino responded, "who me?"

Schettino has long insisted that, "Itsa very smalla island, I never saw it coming. It jumped right out ina fronta me!"

While the islands on that part of the Italian coast have been known to behave erratically, there hasn't been a documented case of one of them attacking anything since the sixties. Even then all of the eyewitnesses were known to have been smoking smelly handmade cigarettes. "They were rich American hippies on someone's daddy's yacht," commented island authorities.

Schettino's legal team has been hoping to call some of those yachtistas in the Captain"s defense, but to date the only ones that could be located are now retired from Wall St. following long and productive careers screwing people. "They grew up. They went into their daddy's businesses in the financial sector," lamented one of Schettino's lawyers. "Now they're too busy counting other people's money to get involved."

Nonetheless, Schettino is confident of an acquittal, "The ship hada faulty breaks, I step onna pedal anna nothing happen."

Schettino has been observed kicking the island in what he believes to be sensitive areas in the hopes of provoking the kind of behavior it displayed on the night it attacked his ship.

"Whenna alla this is over, I'ma immigrating to America! I'ma become American citizen, I'ma run for congress."

The Captain believes that in a Congress dedicated to running an entire nation into the ground, he'll be just another face in the crowd.

With the situation in Syria teetering between grave and worse, Russian President Vladimir Putin is said to be giving serious consideration to granting asylum to Syria's chemical weapons, "We could keep them in the tool shed in my backyard with Snowden."

The ridiculously macho leader seems to have charted a course somewhere between brinksmanship and one-ups-man-ship ("bupsmanship") in his testy exchanges with President Obama.
When asked to respond to the Putin gambit the President's terse reply was, "I don't even know what that word means, I ain't playing his game."

British MP Leonard Charles echoed the sentiments of many of his countrymen when he commented, "Screw em. We're busy waiting for George to grow up and be KING!" Tacit acknowledgement that the current monarch will outlive both her son and grandson and making it clear that most Brits would rather talk about the lad's parents changing diapers than talk about children being gassed thousands of miles away.

The two hundred and fifty year old Queen was unavailable for comment as she was taking her daily bath in virgin's blood.

Press Secretary Jay Carney speculated that we might be able to leverage the situation with the Russians by utilizing convicted Wikileaker Chelsea Elizabeth (Bradley) Manning. "The lass could help herself out by being useful. Maybe we could get her over there in her new persona as "Chelsea" to help Putin and his pal Snowden unload the chemicals. Manning's a big Pussy Riot fan… she's been singing a lot."

Secretary of State John Kerry seemed to agree, "We'd like to see Chelsea out of the can sooner rather than later. If she can pass the smell test with Putin this time, she could come in handy later on down the road, I'm a big Pussy Riot fan too!"

Manning seemed uneasy about handling the toxic chemicals, "What if I break a nail."

Secretary Kerry concluded "If Putin were to find out that the nice "Chelsea" chick, who was helping him and Snowden stack canisters of sarin gas, was really a guy we'd be calling Putin, "Vlad the Imploder" hee, hee.

A couple of weeks ago Shemane Nugent, wife of the rocker and well-known gun nut Ted Nugent, was detained at an airport for attempting to board a plane with a concealed weapon. Probably the type of dumb oversight that occurs more often than the rest of us care to think about. Busy, airhead celebrities thinking their little celebrity thoughts and letting the fact that they are packing heat slip their minds. She explained that her husband "carried more guns up his…" and finished that sentence with a graphic description of where she thought Ted carried a lot of different guns.
This was news only because she was the wife of a celebrity but what happened next actually was interesting. Shemane filed for divorce from Ted, not because it was in any way his fault she was packing, but because, after twenty-four years of marriage, she couldn't stand the humiliation of being outed as the nitwit's wife.

This gesture of shame and contrition has sparked a number of similar defections.

Shellie Zimmerman is seeking a divorce from husband George…same reason.

Justin Bieber's bodyguards have served notice that they were leaving the entourage and seeking more honorable employment. A lady by the name of Roxy explained, "Protecting this twerp from twerp teenage girls is beneath the dignity of your average cocker spaniel, we want out. We're going to see if any of the people who testified against Whitey Bulger need help."

On a similar note Miley Cyrus' spiritual advisor Baba Rum Dum says he also has had enough. "It's not the innocent old days when a group like the Beatles could discover LSD and then follow around a nice old man who hasn't shaved in decades. Celebrities like Lindsay Lohan and Alec Baldwin have turned the spiritual advisor business into a blood sport. Miley told me she wanted to show me her favorite yoga position and then she turned around and twerked me. I've never felt so violated. It will be a long time before there's any payback in the spirituality department for this young lady.

I'm considering going back to practicing law… ha, ha, not really."

Swimmer Diana Nyad made history last week by being the first woman to swim from Havana to Key West and she did it without a shark cage. Given a choice, I don't get in my neighbor's pool without a shark cage… I saw JAWS, we all saw JAWS.

Now, I would never want to detract from Ms. Nyad's inspirational accomplishment but while she didn't have a shark cage she did have a lot of support and I'm sure that she is the first to give these fine people all the credit they deserve.

That said, I'm here to announce that I have made the first swim from Havana to Key West, totally alone, with no one watching… a far more difficult feat I'm sure you'll agree.

Ms. Nyad wore a special mask to protect her from jellyfish, a prudent step on her part, but as you know, if you've ever been to a sushi bar, jellyfish can be good eating. My memory is kind of vague on this, but I'm pretty sure that's how I sustained myself on my swim, by eating the jellyfish I encountered. As a matter of fact, I remember having jellyfish, along with some sake, at a sushi place in Havana the night I began my historic swim.

The kind folk at the sushi bar were generous enough to present me with a bottle of sake "to go" when they suggested I leave. It was then, looking out at the peaceful waters, that I decided to embark on my record-breaking swim.

That was Sunday night. I woke up on a beach in Key West Thursday morning with a nightmarish hangover, soaking wet and sick to my stomach. Perhaps I had consumed a "bad" jellyfish.

I was initially confused and disoriented, but then swelled with pride when I deduced that the only explanation for the situation was that I had made the crossing! Imagine…Cuba to Key West, alone, in the dark, then in the light, the dark, the light…you get it.

I'm afraid that the details of my adventure have completely vanished from my memory, for what reason I do not know…trauma I suspect. I pray that someday they will return.

Without them there's no book deal.

Former Basketball personality Dennis Rodman landed in North Korea Tuesday for what is being hailed as a landmark in "whackjob" diplomacy. Korean stronglad Kim Jong Un clearly took a fancy to Rodman during his last baffling trip to that dark part of the world.
Dean Of Georgetown University's School for Foreign Policy, Wayne Bolton is upbeat, "They speak the same language…and I'm not talking about Korean."

Rodman, who is still recovering from a grotesque accident in which he stumbled and fell face first into a pirate's treasure chest, feels that he's the man to talk some sense into the young despot…"sense" being a relative term. Rodman gushed, "Dude, we'll shoot some hoops, talk some trash, you know…blowin stuff up, Carmen Electra…"

While Kim hasn't been indulging in too much saber rattling lately, he did garner some attention last week when he had his ex girlfriend and some of her dance troupe colleagues executed by firing squad. Labeled an atrocity and met with horror by most of the western world, some womens' groups questioned how it would work vis a vis the, "what's good for the goose/gander" thing. Does one have to be male, Korean and a despot to pull off that kind of clean slate solution?

Details on this topic are vague as no one on planet Earth is particularly interested in asking Kim what was up with that sh*t?

Carmen Electra, Rodman's ex-wife, when reached for comment insisted that she and Dennis parted on, "excellent terms and if that twerp gives him any ideas there'll be one less Kim in Korea."

The State Department is understandably uneasy about the idea of an American sexpot shrieking over to Korea and ripping their leader's head off. However in an aside, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel was overheard whispering, "but then again."

The field for the 2016 presidential election is currently being narrowed to candidates with… NO BRAINS AT ALL.

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) Director Randall Bing advised that, "Anyone who would actually want to be in the situation that President Obama is in now should immediately have his brain removed for study by future generations that will possess more advanced technology than we do."

The civil war raging in Syria is the best example of a cosmically bad, no-win situation since our invasion of Iraq. Iraq, of course, was different… that was way back when some people thought they could believe what they were told by their leaders. There are different leaders now, but since no one has apologized for the fusillade of lies that got us into that situation, and no one has ever been held accountable for the death and cost of that fiasco, the American people can't be blamed for being a bit miffed.

Never one to miss an opportunity for a bit of grandstanding, Donald Trump is considering throwing his crown/toupee into the ring, "Syria could be a great place for a university and possibly a golf course. As president…" at that point Trump was drowned out by the cries of the camel he was sitting on.

Republican hopefuls are waiting to see how the extreme right feels about the situation. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie commented, "We think we know where Wayne LaPierre comes down on Syria, but we're waiting to see how people who feel that Americans should concentrate on shooting other Americans weigh in."

Hilary Clinton thinks that saving Syria from Syrians would be the honorable thing to do, "But I've been picking up all these sweet knitting magazines lately and it might be time for a hobby."

Republican lawmakers who were busy not attending the Martin Luther King 50th anniversary celebrations and only recently became aware of the situation were firm. "We're waiting to see what Putin does, since we all just want to do exactly the opposite of what Obama thinks is a good idea. I suspect we'll be squarely behind the homophobe, psycho," John Boehner speculated.

In a statement released by NIMH, Director Bing concluded, "Americans should really watch more porn and less news."

A cheer went up.

Boxer Mike Tyson has gone public regarding his battle with alcohol, while his old buddy Donald Trump has admitted to being a respected educator.
Sad as it is that a swell guy like Tyson is having that sort of problem, no one exactly keeled over in surprise at the announcement. People, including the Attorney general of New York State, were very surprised to find out that The Donald was so deeply into higher education.

Tyson and Trump had some kind of surreal bromance going on in the 80's. The only common thread anyone could find connecting the two was a mutual love of their own celebrity and a shared affection for bling. Tyson wore his bling and Trump built his. Anyone who has ever seen a building with the Trump name on it will be reminded of a little girl wearing all of her mommy's costume jewelry at once.

The couple hasn't been spotted on the red carpet together in quite some time, one could speculate that perhaps Trump's latest wife likes to be around people who are as fluent in English as she is.

Trump "University" was established in 2005 to get people's money. The problem is that anyone dumb enough to give Donald Trump money doesn't need a university, they need to repeat second grade.

NY Attorney General Eric Schneiderman has brought a forty million dollar lawsuit against Trump for bilking and lying. People would cough up as much as thirty five thousand dollars for a cheesy motivational speech by some unqualified nobody and then get their picture taken with a cardboard cutout of Trump….much like the one of me and the Playmate of the Year 1965. People got as much gratification out of the cardboard Trump as I got out of the cardboard playmate.

Trump claims that Schneiderman is bitter because Trump didn't contribute enough to his election campaign. Trump contributed NOTHING to Senator Belfry's campaign and the Senator isn't bitter at all.

In a press release issued by the Kremlin today, Russian President Vladimir Putin was emphatic, "No way Jose, nyet, hit road Jack," in response to a suggestion that he might have given thought to political asylum for Bradley Manning. "There leakers and there leakers. I only interested in leakers I can sit down with, enjoy a brewski and talk about chicks… when he finish mowing lawn. Scalia would not take him either…do not kid self!"

The ever macho and ever homophobic Putin is clearly put off by Bradley Manning's announcement that he now wants to spend the rest of his life as a woman named Chelsea. "It not the name Chelsea I object to…it the "woman" thing," President Putin clarified.
Ms. Manning's announcement has put more than the Russian president in the fast lane to confusion.

The liberal media was all set to award a lot of points to Manning for having manned up and admitted his wrongdoing and accepted his punishment. NPR"s Lawrence Jenkman explained, "It's the "manning up" phrase. Apparently it's no longer politically correct, particularly in the transgender community, we were just trying to give credit where credit was due."

Moscow watchers have observed that political refugee Edward Snowden has been under closer surveillance than usual. "They want to know who I'm dating. It's not an issue…no one wants to date the guy who's mowing Putin's lawn," Snowden lamented.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, was asked if he was planning on becoming a woman in a gesture of solidarity with Manning and responded, "That's classified and none of your business… what's wrong with you people?"

Asked if he still had confidence in Snowden, President Putin was vehement, "I see that guy in a tutu at the Bolshoi, he's on the first plane to Washington."

Now that the Arab Spring has turned into a long, hot and nasty Arab Summer, we can look forward to an Arab Fall and if the season type metaphor can hang in there just a bit longer, an Arab Winter.

In Egypt, the Arab Spring began with the ouster of US backed strongman Hosni Mubarak and it was still spring when the Egyptian people elected Moslem Brotherhood candidate Mohamed Morsi president. Spring is when love is in the air…and bullets and things.

Now I happen to think that Americans make the most colorful hypocrites but that's probably just national pride. There's a good-sized segment of our society that worries about the unborn. There's a tidal wave of popular culture that seems to be obsessed with the undead and there is a huge amount of people who don't give a rat's ass about the poor, sick and suffering who fall in between…but that's just us.

We don't have an exclusive on hypocrisy.

Egyptians wanted democracy and we thought, if we couldn't have a bought and paid for strongman, that it would be nice if Egypt were a democracy. The Egyptian military thought it wanted a democracy…then the wrong guy got elected.

The military fixed that and ousted Morsi creating a too hot for comfort Arab Summer,
demonstrating that they had learned a thing or two about hypocrisy from the best.

Slowly now it's easing into Arab Fall… Mubarak is getting out of jail. What will come of that is anyone's guess.

And then it will be Arab Winter.

The Moslem Brotherhood in Egypt along with a whole lot of the Arab world doesn't have any use for America and American values but they really like American money. Since we feel that problems can be dealt with by either withholding money or throwing tons of it at the thing, Arab Winter will undoubtedly include a bountiful Arab Christmas.

President Obama has condemned the carnage occurring in the streets of Cairo but didn't go much farther, as the whole thing reminded him too much of the House of Representatives.

He did cancel joint military exercises with the Egyptian army. These exercises have been going on for many years but the average American wasn't really aware of them until they were canceled.

Had we known about them we might have asked, "What the hell are we going to do with the Egyptian army?" Get a little "invading" practice in, I suppose. It's the Middle East… there's no shortage of countries that might, potentially, need a little invading.

Since invading stuff over there has proven to be so much fun in recent years, maybe, instead of sending the army over to play with the Egyptian military, we should send the US Congress on maneuvers in the desert… you know, "Boehner of Arabia"…Harry Reid on a camel, it's a pretty picture.

Perhaps the army made up of the US Congress and the Egyptian army could practice invading Egypt. Egypt definitely needs invading because their army just overthrew a legitimately elected government.

The silly Egyptians elected a Moslem Brotherhood president and we know how those guys feel about the good old US of A.

The State Department has urged all Americans to get out of Egypt and closed the embassy. It seems that the only people in Egypt who like us are the military… I guess it's better than having no friends at all.

As it happens the people who run the military in Egypt were trained in the US by our military. It's a good thing they weren't trained by Congress because then they'd be doing nothing.
OK, next time we'll have Congress train them.

Geologists in Orlando, Florida have announced that they have pinpointed the cause of the sinkhole that is swallowing a resort motel near Disneyworld.

Prof. Randy Bing speaking for the group indicated that, "Scores of huge rodents, perhaps mice, had been burrowing under the neighborhood for years. The mice were then joined by ducks and dogs in the excavation project."
The system of tunnels is reported to resemble something one would associate with a smuggling operation…or a prison break. "The entire phenomenon is totally inconsistent with usual rodent, duck, dog behavior."

Spokesmen at Disneyworld are not commenting on the situation, but maintenance staff has been observed hosing down particularly grimy little elephants on the Dumbo ride in the wee morning hours.

It was not too many years ago that an effort by Disney cartoon characters to unionize was brutally crushed by management. The uprising by unbearably cute and iconic licensed characters was brought on by Draconian rules that regulated every facet of their lives right down to their underwear. It was so embarrassing to the theme park giant that there were whispers of unexplained disappearances in the wake of the event.
For weeks children would have to search for hours to find a Mickey or Minnie. When a Mickey could be found, he would seem confused and disoriented… as if he had just emerged from some torturous maze.

Reached for comment, Disney pitchman Buzz Lightyear was vague, "I had some reentry issues on Space Mountain a few years back, sometimes I forget… I try to stay away from the mice."

Orlando authorities will be meeting with representatives from d-CON, the pest control people today.

Bing explained, "The problem is, if animals this size die in the tunnels, the stench could permeate this entire part of the city for weeks or even months."

The frosty relationship between Russia's President Vladimir Putin and President Obama looks like it may become even colder. In response to Russia's crackdown on its gay and lesbian citizens, president Obama has pledged to send only gay athletes to the Olympic games in Sochi this winter.

Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney observed, "I think it will be the most colorful opening ceremony parade ever!"

President Obama has gone on record as having no patience with nations that mistreat its alternate lifestyle citizens, "who do these countries think they are, Alabama?"

In a New York Times op-ed piece Sports Illustrated editor Randall Bolting mused, "It will be interesting to see just how much this changes the makeup of the group we send to Sochi."

Several athletes who will definitely be competing have alluded to a confidential text from the President suggesting that if they run into Edward Snowden they might want to get a "piece" of him for Barak. No one inferred that he meant "piece" in the good way.

Popular entertainer and lesbian activist Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and partner Portia de Rossi will be training for the ice dancing competition, while THE BIGGEST LOSER's Jillian Michaels say she "just wants to kick some commie ass in any event at all."

Many observers are confident that the changes in the Men's Figure Skating contingent will be minimal.

US hockey coach Wayne Bing seemed unperturbed by the proposition. "We've already sent sticks and pads over to the figure skaters and they're going to start cross training today. They're fine athletes and I'm sure they'll adapt…cross training, not cross dressing!"

Biathlon coach Lane LaDierre is less sanguine, "I've noticed Jillian Michaels hanging around the shooting range quite a bit and, frankly, I'm not too eager to see that woman with a rifle in her hands.

The US Snowboard Team has yet to be notified of the development, as it was deemed prudent to wait till the drugs wore off before giving them the news.

Congress is on vacation for five weeks, so I guess we're sort of safe.

As patriotic Americans, we all hope that those hard working folks will have the best time the NRA, big oil, Halliburton, Monsanto, big pharma, Wall St. and a host of others can buy.

The lobbyists are on vacation too…working vacations. Now they get to schmooze members of congress and take them to dinner at great restaurants in exotic places, instead of the best restaurants in D.C.

Some years lawmakers are tempted to go back to their home states and districts to get a sense of how their constituents feel about things. But given the popularity of the current congress, most of them would rather disguise themselves as t-bone steaks and play tag with a pack of starving wolves.

Just before congress took it's summer powder, the government closed a bunch of embassies because of credible terror threats. This gave senators and representatives the opportunity to give that gambit their blessing as they boarded planes bound for places with open embassies…and open bars. If anything bad happens while they're gone it won't be for want of some high-fiving.

The nation's governors are not necessarily on vacation, they're "nose to the grindstone" kinds of guys. New Jersey's Chris Christie is disregarding the fact that Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is supposed to be off duty and sent him a carton of SPF 2,000,000 sunscreen that he said, "Senator Paul will need in hell." Paul sent Christie a nice pair of swim trunks, "because I'm sure he looks great in a bathing suit." Bitchslapping takes no vacations.

Bradley Manning has decided to take five weeks off too; he'll be relaxing in a federal facility somewhere.

Edward Snowden will not be taking anytime off. Putin has him looking for some snow to shovel in Sochi.

Anthony Weiner is still hard at work on the campaign trail…because hard is the way he rolls.

Russia is 6,592,771 square miles in area, with a population of 142,500,482 and President Vladimir Putin seems to have found room for Edward Snowden.

This has supremely ticked off the Obama administration.

Officials had previously been encouraged by the Russians' response to the Boston Marathon bombings and its help in zeroing in on the suspects and providing intelligence regarding their history. Russia had even flagged the suspects and given us something of a heads up…we thought things were improving.

However the Boston Marathon suspects were dinks who didn't know anything and were probably just as apt to blow up something in Russia…so that was different.

Edward Snowden knows stuff, NSA stuff.

With the granting of asylum to Snowden, it seems that the good times are over. President Obama has confided to aids that he's never going bowling with Putin again.

The Russian Ministry of Propaganda has been trying to float a theory that Putin has given Snowden asylum so that he can be naturalized as a Russian citizen and play center for the Russian hockey team in the Sochi Olympics this winter. They claim that Putin had no idea Snowden worked for the NSA.

US experts suggest that the luge would be a better fit for Snowden, making him a more difficult moving target for CIA snipers. They are pretty sure that Putin knew about Snowden's previous employment.

Snowden's dad has been seen on American television explaining to reporters that there's no way his son could get a fair trial in the US, thus the move to Russia…land of fair trials. Not that Snowden will be going on trial in Russia… he hasn't broken any laws there yet and probably won't get a very high security clearance at his new job raking Putin's lawn.

On a more pleasant note, Edward Snowden has been named President of the Bradley Manning fan club in absentia.

It's widely accepted that with a height of 5'3" Bradley Manning would be pretty much useless to an Olympic hockey team.

I'm considering offering my services to the Hilary For President campaign. I'm thinking about this because, as impossible as it seems, I might know something that the people who are currently surrounding the future candidate don't know.

Hilary and her people have their undies in a major bunch over this Anthony Weiner sexting thing. What I know and these folks apparently don't, is that the Republicans aren't going to need some nitwit named Anthony Weiner to remind them of husband Bill's problems during his presidency, and then do their best to use it against Hilary. Huma Aberdin's husband could have switched teams and be Playmate of the Month the day Hilary Clinton announces her candidacy, and it will be nothing compared to what the Republicans will have already been able to come upon their own. Hilary will not only be running against Bill, Monica, and Anthony Weiner. She'll also be running against the teenager who babysat her when she was nine, sixty years ago, and currently has several outstanding parking tickets. She'll be running against that old gal, and everybody in between. People are going to hear Benghazi so often they're going to think Hilary killed those people personally. As Bette Davis said, "fasten your seatbelts."

The potential for the next presidential election to be the dirtiest in American history is so great that it's possible the whole shooting match could get an R, or even an X rating.

You'll have your homophobic, homosexual Republicans, your whoremongering Democrats, your hypocritical, lying, cheating Republicans, your homosexual Democrats and much, much more.

It's entirely possible that the X-rated pay per view cable channels will go out of business because all people will have to do is tune into the evening news to get their jollies.

I'm looking forward to it. All I'll really have to do to make Hilary the next president is to keep her image off those pay per view channels and convince her to name Wayne 
LaPierre as her running mate.

And it's a done deal!

Recent studies have shown that American men have the emotional and sexual maturity of high school sophomores. This was not only concluded by recent studies but also by past studies, and in fact, every study since the invention of studies, and the coining of the term, "study."

The conclusion can't be a surprise to anyone who has noticed that allegedly mature, responsible, adult males have taken up the pastime of sexting, an activity that has previously been the exclusive domain of what is technically referred to as "stupid kids."

The behavior has become so high profile that it has come under the scrutiny of healthcare professionals across the board.

Sexting has been designated as a true addiction by twelve step organizations. The AMA has declared it a disease and the Surgeon General has decreed that the treatment for sexting should be covered by all healthcare plans. This includes injuries to the groinal region inflicted by miffed significant others.

Three time Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was asked to respond to the new development on the sexual frontier. Berlusconi, who is revered as the Dalai Lama of political sexual misbehavior responded, "Porca la miseria! Why would someone want to get sex onna da Internet? I get mine live at banga banga parties." Berlusconi concluded, "Lo facciamo alla pecorina?" No one in the Tattler's Rome bureau would translate his statement for us.

American sexting expert Huma Aberdin has her own take on the subject. "My husband Anthony used to be obsessed with fantasy football. All preseason he would be fixated on drafting players, and once the regular season began Sundays in our house were filled with him screaming at the television set. Now that he's switched to sexting he just locks himself in his study for a few hours while the baby and I have an afternoon of quiet time. Personally I don't think sexting is any more dangerous than loitering in Central Park restrooms… I'm all for it."

In an update from London, it is being reported that an attractive young couple has given birth to a baby boy.

International news agencies across the globe are expressing outrage at having some good news to deliver. "We're just trying to get a handle on this, I think we're in over our heads," whined Leonard Charles, editor of London's "The Sun."

In man on the street interviews people are clearly nonplussed. "Where's the death, where's the destruction, where's the pestilence?" Complained one London banker on his way to work to screw people.

Americans, who have been fond of the lad's parents, are hoping for some kind of good news trend but wonder that, even if good news happens, if the media is capable of reporting it. "I've often thought that good news was being swept under the rug in an effort to keep the public calm," suggested one television watcher.

Politicians and pundits across the spectrum are weighing in on the topic and not mincing words.

In a joint press conference, House Majority Leader John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell decried the situation, "We've been working for years to keep good news off the front page, and now this!" The word filibuster escaped their collective lips several time during tense exchanges with reporters.

The White House released a statement indicating that President Obama was directing Attorney General Eric Holder to "look into the situation" to determine if any federal laws were being broken by the brief spate of good news.

Radio gasbag Rush Limbaugh railed that the birth was a clear indication that global warming was nothing but pinko propaganda and that the parents were undoubtedly Democrats.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre announced he was sending the child an assault rifle to celebrate the US and England's special relationship.

When asked to comment on the situation New York Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner told reporters he had nothing to say but would tweet some pertinent images later in the day.

Geraldo Rivera said that he already had.

After months of anticipation and a seemingly endless vigil, animal lovers have joined royal watchers across the globe in giddy celebration.

The announcement that Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has given birth to an eight-pound baby panda sparked spontaneous celebrations in the streets of London and major cities across the globe.

Palace spokesperson Randy Bowlting gushed, "It's unbelievable that the most popular royals in generations should bring the most beloved animal in the world, uh…into the world! But it was pretty much the only way they could have lived up to the hype."

When asked for comment, royal grandfather Prince Charles began to relate an amusing anecdote about hunting pandas in China when he was a lad… Charles has never been terribly popular.

The panda, whether male or female, will be third in line to the British throne behind his father William and grandfather Charles.

The endangered species advocacy group Wild Earth Guardians issued a statement hailing the birth of the rare and wonderful animal. "The British aristocracy, which has been notoriously inbred for hundreds of years are finally making themselves useful. If they can continue this trend of birthing mutant endangered species perhaps they'll finally have earned the right to live in their damned castles."

The gender of the cub is, so far, a closely guarded secret. But when reached in a tool shed behind the Moscow residence of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Edward Snowden claimed that he knows and will be releasing a statement soon.

Following the dismaying declaration of bankruptcy by the city of Detroit, The Detroit Zoo has offered to give the new arrival a home in hopes of boosting attendance and staying solvent.

Spokesperson Bowlting felt sure the panda cub would be able to do better.

This column is dedicated to the beautiful women that are taking care of Angelface - Anne, Bisque and Randi.

As the summer flies by far too quickly, the major television networks are beginning to unveil their new fall schedules.

NBC hasn't exactly been knocking them dead in the ratings and is pinning high hopes on a new drama about a cranky yet brilliant veterinarian who solves seemingly, unsolvable medical mysteries, saving the lives of countless dogs and cats. It's called "Animal House."

CBS is banking on a reboot of the old and beloved Fred MacMurray sitcom, "My Three Sons." In the spirit of modernizing the theme and in light of recent Supreme Court rulings and the increasing acceptance of alternate lifestyles and transgender reassignment, this new version will be called, "My Three Sons/Daughters." Richard Simmons will star as the lovable and wise dad.

In yet another revival, ABC is launching the retread of the classic "Mr. Ed" in a Wednesday night comedy block offering, "Mr. Ed Goes to the Planet of the Apes." There are no human characters… Jim Carey is slated to play all the parts except for the Borden cow that will be played by Kim Kardashian and some of her sisters.

All the networks are rolling the dice with their highly profitable news divisions. The competition is fierce from the early morning shows to prime time news magazines. With everyone looking for an edge, CBS will be airing its 6 o'clock news at 5, NBC will run theirs at 4 and ABC at 3. All will continue to be called the "6 O'clock News" to avoid confusion.

This season's incarnation of the "Survivor" series is "Survivor Hollywood" in which contestants are dropped off in tinsletown to practice deceit, lying and backstabbing. They are eventually absorbed into the Hollywood community to become publicists, agents and producers and are never heard from again.

In a hopeful editorial, the "Hollywood Reporter" points out that Saturday morning cartoons remain the same, so all is not lost.

In breaking news - It's being reported that Edward Snowden has been removed from his position as interim President of Egypt and replaced with some Egyptian.

A spokesman for the Egyptian military has confirmed the move. "We took a page from the American NSA and closely monitored Mr. Snowden's calls. There was an inordinate amount of traffic going on between President Snowden and several Latin American countries that raised red flags for us. The last thing we need is to see street vendors in Cairo hawking sombreros and piñatas."

Reached for comment, President Vladimir Putin of Russia suggested that the Moscow airport could use some brightening up and that sombreros and piñatas might do the trick… but that he'd never heard of Edward Snowden.

China, still in the doghouse with the Obama administration, is referring to the situation as "outrageous and unacceptable." Snowden's former colleagues in the intelligence community are currently trying to figure out exactly what that means.

In a press conference, Whitehouse spokesman Jay Carney was unable to explain why certain Latin American countries are offering Snowden refuge. "Sure, we've been trying to undermine and overthrow their governments for years, but I don't understand why they'd want to be mean to us…they seem bitter," was all he could offer.

Interviewed at an undisclosed location, former Interim President Snowden suggested that wherever he ended up, it wouldn't be for long. Citing the potential political comebacks of disgraced former N.Y. Governor and hooker patron, Elliot Spitzer and equally disgraced former Representative and dirty tweeter, Anthony Weiner, Snowden reflected, "If I can only spin this situation into being a sex thing, I'm really just a couple years away from running for office in New York."

I'm naming my car "Bicycle." I'm going to paint "Bicycle" on the fender where I had "Mother's Worry" painted on my '55 Chevy back in high school.

Over the past several years bicycling has exploded. When we were kids, kids road bicycles. Now kids on bicycles pretty much get squished by all the grownups on bicycles.

The popularity of bicycling probably has something to do with Lance Armstrong's phenomenal success in the Tour de France. Although with all of Mr. Armstrong's current woes, to give him credit or blame for all the bicyclists on the roads today might be considered piling on.

Be that as it may, bicycling is huge and enthusiasts include the people who make the laws in this country. So naturally new laws are constantly being written that make the lives of cyclists easier. A lot of the new laws are just institutionalizing what cyclists have been doing all along… like rolling/flying through stop signs.

So now that I drive "Bicycle," what were once firm rules of the road, I now consider vague suggestions that I can ignore at my whim.

I have friends who are going to name their cars Bicycle. Red Bicycle, Blue Bicycle, Silver Bicycle…you get it.

It'll be great. We'll be able to drive around two, three, and four abreast. No worries about that semi coming at us. The rules of physics don't apply when you're driving Blue Bicycle!

When I was a child, if I rode my bicycle with as little regard to common sense as grownups do today, mom would have put a massive hurt on me.

Don't get me wrong… I think bicycles are a magnificent invention, right up there with the internal combustion engine. The difference being that with the automobile we are given a vehicle that speeds up our lives to an intolerable pace, pollutes the environment, kills thousands every year and turns the operators into asshats. Whereas the bicycle makes us part of the environment, provides us with healthy exercise, lets us appreciate our surroundings and turns the operators into asshats.

I'm going for a drive in Bicycle now. Maybe down the middle of the road, maybe on your side. And if you're out for a stroll, don't think that crosswalk is going to slow us down.

In a statement released this morning, the Texas Legislature announced that it has hired renowned string theory researcher Wayne Bing. String theory is an area of physics that involves sub-atomic particles so small that the number mathematicians use to describe their size is a dot, several pages of zeros and then a one. Bing is being asked to try to determine the size of Rick Perry's brain.

The Texas Governor and former presidential hopeful made national news this week with his response to Texas legislator Wendy Davis' filibuster. Davis' filibuster led to the defeat of medieval abortion reforms that would have closed almost all the clinics in that state.

In a speech, Perry inappropriately referenced Davis' personal life and then called the legislature back into session in an effort to re-jam the bill through.

Regarding his assignment Professor Bing stated, "This is a tough one… the particles in string theory aren't tiny little things you look at through a microscope, we work with numbers. If you recall the Republican Presidential Primary Debates, when Governor Perry had just three points to make, he could only remember two of them. So if you're talking about numbers, and the inside of Rick Perry's head, well…you don't really have much to work with."

Governor Perry has given liberals fits from the get-go; they consider him the poster boy for what they feel is Neanderthal thinking in that part of the country. Now many comedians and pundits are suggesting that we simply give Texas back to Mexico. Left- wing pinkos imply that such a measure might also help with illegal immigration issues.

Perry supporters, rallying to his defense, point out that the Governor has never gotten the credit he deserves for some inspired moments of lateral thinking.

The state of Texas has long been notorious for banning certain books in public schools, with a new list being created every year. This is something that hasn't been practiced in other states since the nineteenth century.

Perry has suggested that it would save a lot of paperwork if they simply banned reading.

That legislation is in committee.

Jubilant crowds in Cairo's Tahrir Square are celebrating the naming of Edward Snowden as Egypt's second interim president in less than a week.

Leader of the Egyptian military, Gen. Abdel Fattah al-Sisi explained, "It became clear that the first interim President we named was going to take weeks, maybe months, to infuriate the US. With Ed, we've got a guy who already has the American government apoplectic with rage. We're lucky he was available… he's a perfect fit."

Snowden's long-term future in Cairo is a bit cloudy. In a statement released from the Presidential Palace he explained, "I'm not sure if the Egyptian government even has any secrets…it could get boring around here."

World leaders seem to be unanimous in their endorsement of Egypt's choice. Russia's Vladimir Putin reflected, "We all had what you would call an "anywhere but here" attitude regarding Mr. Snowden. Personally I was getting a little fed up with his room service charges at the hotel in the Moscow airport…where he never was."

While the Muslim Brotherhood is extremely upset about the ouster of President Morsi, a spokesman indicated that the "jury was still out" on the naming of Snowden. "Who knows, he seems to be ticking off all the right people" was the word going around all the best jihadist cells.

General al-Sisi was optimistic regarding the future of Egypt as a democracy. "Sure we had to stage a coup to get rid of the democratically elected president, but we're not actually using the C – word, we've just de-elected him. The problem is, with all the two -bit despots that the United States has installed over the years, we as a people, clearly aren't very good at voting. There's a learning curve so from now on we'll continue to de-elect people until we get it right."

When asked his thoughts on the subject, newly named President Snowden suggested that he might consider joining the Muslim Brotherhood, "I bet they have lots of secrets!"

I'm going to law school.

With the overturn of the Defense of Marriage Act, everything has change overnight.

Straight men and women are flocking to courthouses across the land. Feeling terribly left out, these folks are grabbing up marriage licenses and planning weddings. They're hoping to get into the act. Asked to provide a rational for straight people of the same gender getting married, one pair of guys crowed, "It's legal, why wouldn't ya!"

Straight people have been getting married forever so…why not to each other?

You know what people do at weddings? They get totally loaded. Do you know what guys do at weddings? They get even more loaded. Do you know what straight guys do at weddings? They get even more loaded. Can you even wrap your mind around the level of inebriation that could be achieved at a wedding in which the principles are two straight guys?

And what about the bachelor party? The possibilities are breathtaking… I want one.

With the Supreme Court decision being so young, no one knows what sort of legal and tax ramifications it may have. Can straight roommates Bill and Bob get married and file a joint return, somehow saving a few bucks? Can straight Mary and straight Alice get hitched and someone gets on someone's insurance plan at work?

In law school I'm going to specialize in pre-nups for same sex, straight couples?

This has potential. The possibilities for god-awful legal and financial entanglements are breathtaking. I want in!

Actually, I have a matchbook here and on the back it says I can send away for a divinity degree. With a divinity degree I can perform marriages… got em coming and going!

Shoe just told me that a divinity degree would give me almost as much credibility as Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. I'm thrilled…being lumped in with a fine professional.

Hey! Who wants to go propose to a member of the Westboro Baptist Church?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama vehemently denied reports that NSA leaker Edward Snowden had been seen hobnobbing with Kim Jong Un at a Pyongyang bowling ally. "Un wouldn't do that to us," the President insisted, "he's good people."

The fact that the North Korean dictator hasn't threatened to vaporize the entire western world in several weeks seems to have softened the administration's view of the relationship between our nations.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is equally adamant in claiming that no one there had taken even the tiniest peek at Snowden's laptops. "Heck guys, he never even got out of the airport …cross my heart!" The official US response to Putin's claim is that of skepticism but privately most diplomats feel he's lying through his teeth. "Jesus, the guy hates our guts, what do you think he did?" suggested one unnamed source.

That same source, along with several other US intelligence agencies, when asked to discuss the Snowden leaks, all denied knowing anything and also denied that they engaged in spying. Observers had no problem believing that they didn't know anything but were dubious about the spying thing….since that's what they get paid billions of taxpayer dollars to do.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai, four time consecutive winner of the "Phony Ally Most Likely To Steal Our Money And Then Poke Us In The Eye" award, is said to be negotiating with Snowden to name him prom king of the annual Buzkashi Tournament.

Buzkashi is the national sport in Afghanistan. It resembles polo in that it's played on horseback, the largest difference between buzkashi and polo being that the object of the Afghan competition is to propel a headless goat carcass towards the opponent's end of the field.

President Obama is said to be considering allowing Snowden to become Prom King if he can also play the goat.

Out of towners visiting the big apple over the summer may have their curiosity piqued by the number of New Yorkers wearing black armbands. The funereal atmosphere in the greatest city in the world might baffle non-sports fans in particular.

New Yorkers and baseball enthusiasts across the country are reeling at the news that what was perhaps the most iconic sports franchise in the world has been sold and is leaving New York City.

The New York Yankees are moving to Creve Coeur, Missouri. Fittingly, Creve Coeur means heartbreak in French.

Creve Coeur with a population of 17,833 will be, by far, the smallest community in the US to host a professional sports franchise. Green Bay Wisconsin has a population of 105,000.

Creve Coeur is home to the world headquarters of the Monsanto Corporation. Monsanto has purchased the Yankees for an undisclosed sum. There is talk that the Yankees' value has been downgraded since the latest performance enhancing drug scandal broke. Several star players across the league have been named, including a Yankee or two.

In a press release, Monsanto CEO, Gerald Vermine, explained. "As a multinational corporation, we felt that it was time for transparency. Since we produce the chemicals that turn your food into chemicals, we feel compelled to defend and promote athletes who are full of chemicals because…chemicals are good!"

The Yankees will no longer be the Yankees. Henceforth the team will be called the Creve Coeur GMOs. Vermine went on, "Chemicals are how we make our living and we owe it to our stockholders to promote the use of chemicals however we can."

"We feel that if all athletes everywhere used performance enhancing drugs, the playing field would be perfectly level and there'd be no problem… you know, like in cycling."

Lance Armstrong has been named manager of the GMOs and the mascot will be a dead honeybee.

In a press release received this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Godell announced the league has approved the first expansion team in eighteen years. The newly coined "Moscow Commie-Bears" will join the menagerie of recently minted critter teams that include the Jacksonville Jaguars and the Carolina Panthers.

The news shocked the sports world since most insiders felt that Russian President Vladimir Putin was on the outs with the league following his acquisition of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft's Superbowl ring under suspicious circumstances.

Putin, a former KGB agent who was recruited out of Comrade Fagan's People's School Of Socialist Pocket Picking claims the ring was a gift.

While some object to the team's name referencing communism, no longer the political system in the "new" Russia, others are charmed by its quality of nostalgia in much the same way that the Washington Redskins are not deemed to be a racist, ethnically demeaning stereotype.

Putin is being talked about for the position of head coach.

The pectoral flaunting world leader is constantly affirming his jock credentials by staging pillow fights to the death, every one of which he has won decisively. He is said to be considering naming himself as quarterback, tailback and wide receiver.

Pushback among the existing NFL teams is considerable.

Denver Broncos Head Coach John Fox suggests that a team so many time zones away will give new meaning to the notion of home field advantage, while others feel that Russia's dark reputation will bring an intimidating and unpleasant wrinkle to the NFL draft.

The only coach who seemed to shrug off the addition of the Commie-Bears was New England's Bill Belichick who commented, "If there's a problem, we'll just shut down Boston and find them."

Across the globe intelligence agencies are registering what can best be described as mild surprise that a high school dropout has exposed the NSA's darkest secrets. Randov Bowzinski, former head of Russia's feared KGB, reflected, "For years we've been mining our own high school dropouts to spy on the United States."

While former NSA employee and source of the leaks, Edward Snowden, does have a GED, most feel that it's superfluous and that computer gaming skills are really what it takes to outsmart the U.S. spy community. Bowzinski went on, "During the cold war we used to train our dropouts on Super Mario Bros. but since the collapse of the Soviet empire and the warming of relations with the U.S., if a spy applicant can make a dent in a TV Guide crossword puzzle, he's got a job."

Bowzinski mused, "It's a wonderful savings of time and resources. We no longer have to train James Bond types of characters in fighting and shooting skills, and we no longer have to invest millions of rubles in high tech gadgets. Nowadays anyone who can work a smart phone can be a superspy."

In the States concerned parents are imploring their children to drop out of school and make something of themselves. "We only want what's best for them" is being heard at parent teacher conferences from coast to coast as emotional goodbyes are being made to beloved educators.

On a darker note, bankers across the nation are reporting that money is being sucked out of college funds like oxygen through a pinhole in a space capsule. Banker Milton Scumm explains, "parents are storming the bank in a wild state of euphoria and demanding the money they've set aside for their childrens' education. We haven't seen a run like this since Wall St. ruined the world."

"And you'd be surprised how often these parents head directly to the Porsche dealer across the street!"

Reports of a United States Ambassador, prostitutes, possible underage girls and a State Department cover-up are shaking Washington.

A statement was released by an unknown source and posted in mens' rooms throughout the nation's capital.

"No no no no no…the State Department is not now running, nor has it ever, run hookers…that's the Secret Service you're thinking of. However, the U.S. Department of State strenuously objects to people talking about it as if it were a bad thing.

The missive appears to have been written on official State Department stationery.

Insiders suggest that the unusual method of getting the message out to the public and the media was to give Hilary Clinton some plausible deniability for the counterpunch, the effectiveness of which has been questioned.

Senate Republicans claim Mrs. Clinton wouldn't hesitate for one second to bust into a men's room if that was what it took to get the job done. Still other sources insist that sort of thing is exactly what it takes to make a good Commander in Chief.

While the Obama administration tries to shrug off this latest potential scandal as "just another prostitute-government employee thing," staffers are struggling to find someone to leak some new classified information as a distraction, before the "prostitute-government employee thing" gains traction.

It's been suggested that publishing our nuclear launch codes in the National Inquirer might do the trick. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has responded, "well…if anyone knows them, I'll just step out of the room for a minute."

While specifics were not immediately available, the Tattler has intercepted a great deal of email chatter going on between U.S. Ambassadors' wives involving top-notch divorce lawyers.

The State Department cover-up story led many Tuesday morning newscasts and had disappeared by Wednesday.

First – The NSA (National Security Agency) would like you to know that we're very proud of you for calling your mom three times a week. It's just right, you keep her posted but no one's hovering. You're a good son.

But unfortunately, the gang here feels that you're ordering out too often. So much pizza and Chinese food can't be good and how about your wallet? Some of us have chipped in and bought you a nice, basic cookbook. We'll leave it next time we're at your apartment upgrading the surveillance equipment. No thanks required, you'll never know we were there.

We're also a little concerned about your girlfriend. A few of our female coworkers think you might be smothering her. There's something called too much of a good thing. You're not kids… calling every single night reeks of insecurity. Also, there's that number she's been calling a lot. We're not at liberty to divulge any details but let's just say…don't drive her away.

Speaking of driving someone away… you're calling your shrink an awful lot. And every time you call him, right after you hang up, he gets on the phone and calls his own shrink… long calls.
I'm just sayin…

Oh… and that bill collector isn't going anywhere. Two words, "caller I. D." Or is that three words?

Another thing…hang-up calls to the free clinic that specializes in sexually transmitted diseases is creepy. If you've got a problem, just cowboy up and get yourself down there. These people do this sort of thing all day every day. Don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of. And once again…think about your girl.

That's about it for now. If you have questions just call anyone at all and ask them… we'll get back to you.

As Americans watch the IRS scandal grow with varying degrees of delight, one fact is emerging. The only thing worse than being audited by the IRS would be attending one of their parties. Videos of everything from dance classes to takeoffs of popular TV shows have made it clear that the IRS must have their own private spaceship that takes recruiters to the planet "Nerd" to scoop up the cream of the nerd and dink crop to bring them back to planet Earth to make peoples' lives miserable.

No one in history has ever accused anyone at the IRS of having a sense of humor and the Congressional hearings on IRS improprieties are doing nothing to dispel that notion. The phrase, "These people are idiots," is being heard a lot in Washington these days. Considering the fact that there's no shortage of idiots in Washington, it's important to remember that the IRS idiots are particularly dangerous idiots. At least you can trust the idiots in Congress to do as little as possible which makes them "idiots by omission…" something that's not quite as bad as having idiots suck all the money out of your bank account and then throw you in jail.

The nerd-fests that the IRS folks apparently consider to be really far out, good times would, for the rest of us, register on the fun meter somewhere south of attending a spelling bee at a grade school in Uzbekistan.

At least we now know who's keeping all those "Gilligan's Island" reruns on the air. One has to wonder if they bicker over who gets to play "Scotty" in the "Star Trek" spoofs.

A list of people that the IRS pays big (taxpayer) money to speak at their events would either redefine the whole concept of "strange," or on the other hand, put to sleep a roomful of addicts whacked on meth.

The national takeaway from all of this should be, whether the IRS is targeting your particular political group or not, if invited to one of their parties, save yourself... DON'T GO!

Normally bellicose North Korean despot Kim Jong Un is said to be in the depths of a deep depression since the US has been too preoccupied by domestic terrorism and natural disasters to wring its national hands over temper tantrums thrown half a world away.

While intelligence sources confirm that North Korea now has missiles with enough range to reach North Korea, the unhappy Kim seems reluctant to "pull the trigger." His personal therapist, a former veterinarian from Woody Creek, Colorado, Randi Bing, suggests that it's in everyone's best interest to get the young leader up and ranting again. "He hasn't shaken his fists in weeks, I haven't even seen the veins in his forehead for days. I'm really worried. The world is really safest when he's threatening to destroy it… or asleep."

Pyongyang insiders are lamenting that Kim had been secretly hoping to have made the cover of "People" magazine by May, in a run-up to next years "Time" magazine's person of the year issue. "He very much wants to meet Beyonce and since conquering America was seen as something of a long shot. Kim thought that if they were in the same issue of People she'd start taking his calls." Jay-Z is said to be unconcerned.

Bing lamented, "He's even beginning to think his dream of being a centerfold is unrealistic…he's burned all his Polariods!"

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has convened a Security Council session to address Kim's funk, "We have to cheer this guy up, we're running out of insane dictators to fill his shoes… I never thought I'd hear myself say that!"

A delegation is being sent to talk to Hef at "the mansion." The Secretary General waxed optimistic, "Hef's been cheering young men up for decades."

The CEO of high end clothier Abercrombie and Fitch, Mike Jefferies, sent shockwaves across the land when he announced that he really wasn't interested in seeing anyone but skinny, rich kids wearing his company's products. He stated, "We're only marketing to the cool kids. We won't carry larger sizes for the overweight." Jefferies went on, "All baseball caps will be worn with the bill facing the direction of travel, and trousers will be pulled up to the waist…that's a belt, bucko, cinch it up."

In response, inner city youths continue to deny knowing either this Abercrombie Fitch dude or his friend Jefferies, and are baffled as to why a middle aged white guy would think he knows anything about being cool. They did, however suggest that Jefferies should stick around his own neighborhood and near his homies for the foreseeable future.

This is not Abercrombie's first brush with controversy. Every year when its lavishly produced catalog is released, it comes close enough to being soft-core pornography as to make national news. The young people portrayed in a catalog selling clothing never seemed to be wearing much clothing. But at least they're mostly white and always look like they're playing hooky from the nearest country club while they frolic on the beaches of the Hampton's, or skiing in Aspen. The models probably attend classes in prep schools that cost more per year in tuition than your parent's house is worth.

Mike Duke, CEO of slightly lower than "high end" Wal-Mart has announced that if he sees any of those Abercrombie kids in his stores he'll call security. "We don't need that kind of rabble, we're considering not carrying sizes appropriate for semi-anorexic models in the future. And in fact, speaking of rabble, if I see Mike Jefferies in a Wal-Mart I'll call security."

As President Obama publicly struggles to contain a spate of embarrassing missteps by beloved government agencies, behind closed doors insiders are whispering that he is secretly planning a Michael Corleone, "Godfather" type move that will resolve all the embarrassing issues at once.

While protesters marched in front of the Whitehouse carrying signs indicating that the President has been promising to close Guantanamo Bay since he was in junior high, back in congress, high ranking IRS officials snarled at lawmakers and refused to admit any wrongdoing as they scribbled names on pads and flashed them at congressmen while pointing and mouthing the words, "you're next."

A caucus of congressional Democrats is writing a bill to have Benghazi taken off all the maps and purged from atlases and dictionaries. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT.) explained, "It's kind of like the superstition in the theater where no one uses the word "Macbeth" backstage because it's terrible bad luck. Instead, they refer to it as, "the Scottish play." From now on when discussing Benghazi we want people to just say, "that place, over there."
Whitehouse sources that demand anonymity are suggesting that we may be soon to witness a rare and exciting "twofer" or "switcheroo." 

"If you go to Google Earth you might see that an eighty foot wall is being constructed around a bankrupt amusement park, formerly called BEAVERLAND, somewhere outside of Chippewa Falls, Minnesota. You also might notice that cargo ships are offloading containers full of office equipment at Guantanamo Bay."

Our source winced, "If you've ever taken your kids to a theme park in mosquito country in the summer you'll realized that we've actually found a way to raise the "cruel and unusual" bar.
He also implied that new guards and staff are being rotated into Gitmo and that the facility will, in the future, be policed exclusively by military personnel whose families have been audited.

You've probably noticed that for the past few years the economy has been in a teeny weenie slump. The good news is that if you happen to be a millionaire or a billionaire you're doing great, getting richer than ever. Everyone else is circling the drain waiting for the big flush.

It's difficult to understand that while we face rising prices for everything from gas to groceries, as our paychecks seem to shrink, the stock market is skyrocketing. If the rich need some help lugging all that money around there are a lot of people out of work who could help them carry it.

Anyway I don't want to be rich, I'm too good at being poor… it would be a waste of years of training.

One would think that comic strip characters would be immune to things like recessions but…no way. Hard times have hit Treetops and a couple characters have had to find second jobs.

Soon Roz, beloved for her crystalline wisdom while others are fogbound, will be writing her own "DEAR ROZ" column for the Tattler. Actual human beings, the tattler's readers, will be able to write in with questions for the "sage with a beak and apron." Perhaps the kind of questions one wouldn't want to pose to someone looking you in the eye.

Also

Madame Zoo Doo will also be branching out. For years now, if you forked over a few bucks, she'd gladly tell you everything from your future to the pin numbers of your mother's bank account. Zoo Doo considered this a trickle up economy. Unfortunately, her trickle up theory has worked about as well as other peoples' trickle down theory. In other words…nothing trickled or flowed. It just sat there in a stagnant, fetid pool of nothingness.

So Zoo Doo will be doing a weekly HOROSCOPE to help see you through the difficulties that most surely lay ahead.

Between Roz' first rate advice and Zoo Doo's Horoscope you'll never have to think for yourself again!

Think about it.

Having escaped by the skin of its beak, a Justice Department probe into its phone records, the Treetops Tattler is now under attack by the IRS for being a left and right wing organization.

Coming to the defense of his constituents in Treetops, Sen. Batson D. Belfry pointed out that all birds have two wings; otherwise they would be constantly flying in circles.

IRS Chief Consul William Wilkson presented evidence that the birds of Treetops DO mostly just fly around in circles.

Senator Belfry then countered that the flying around in circles thing was a matter of choice, combined with a remarkably poor sense of direction, and not at all politically motivated.

The Internal Revenue Service's intense scrutiny of certain organization's request for non-profit status is, itself, under intense scrutiny.

P. Martin Shoemaker, Editor of the Tattler, claims that the newspaper has no desire for "not for profit" status, "That's just the way it works out. We'd love to see a little profit around here," Shoemaker complained.

Americans everywhere are in something that can only be described as a state of mourning over their favorite government agency being on the hot seat. Randi Bing, a long time taxpayer commented, "I'm worried sick about all the fine folks at the IRS…if there's anything at all I can do…" "Hee hee"

There's talk of a "Save the IRS" march on the nation's capitol, seven to eight people are expected to attend, road closures are likely, along with the closures of some major monuments.

The Westboro Baptist Church has announced that it's planning to protest the protest.

BREAKING NEWS – In an unprecedented abuse of first amendment rights the Justice Department has seized The Treetops Tattler's phone records. A terse statement issued by Tattler Editor P. Martin Shoemaker indicated that it was a good thing that it was the Tattler's First Amendment rights that were breached, as that was as high as most of the staff could count.

Justice Department spokesman Leonard Charles contended that they were only hoping to find the number of a good pizza parlor. "It's remarkable how little substance there was in the records. Apart from Chinese restaurants and pizza parlors there was an enormous volume of chatter about bowling scores and one reporter would call his bartender eight or nine times a day because he missed him.

Charles continued, "We were heartened to find that another reporter was so deeply involved in animal rights issues that he had to call the race track several times a day, presumably to check on the well being of the horses. He also made many horse related calls to phone numbers we couldn't nail down… PETA and veterinarians I guess."

"We found that the head of the Tattler Weather Bureau was constantly going on long, aimless walks to no location in particular. I believe he referred to them as, "fact finding missions."

"We also couldn't help but notice that the Chief Political Correspondent was on a "watch list" and not allowed in any public buildings in Washington D.C. and was, also, on a "no fly" list for any planes destined for the nation's capitol."

"It seems that the cartoon editor has never been to the Treetops office and works out of a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location." By way of explanation, Shoemaker would only comment, "There have been threats."

The discrepancy between what CEO's get paid and what their workers are being paid has been getting a lot of attention lately. One blogger claims that the distance between the two has increased a thousand fold since the 1950's, presumably because executives are a thousand times smarter and work a thousand times harder than the people who actually do something.

It's been documented that the CEO's of S&P 500 companies currently make 354 times more than their employees but, in general, corporate America is doing it's best to resist divulging these numbers. You know, kinda hard to hustle your subordinate into picking up the lunch check.

At that rate your average employee would have to work 14,160 hours a week to take home the same dough the big boss does. No coffee breaks and long lunches for the drones. Perhaps some profoundly creative time clock punching.

In third world countries like England, CEO's only average 22 times what workers get. In France 15 times, Germany 12 times… how do they scrape by?

JC Penney hired CEO Ron Johnson away from Apple and gave him 52 million to come aboard. Johnson lives in California and Penny's corporate headquarters are in Texas. Rather than move, Ronzo commuted daily by private jet. He was making 1,795 times what the average Penny's employee makes.

Seventeen months later Penny's had lost 4.3 billion dollars and it's stock was down 32% and Ronzo was out of work. He was guaranteed a $150,000,000 (one hundred and fifty million dollars) if he was fired.

Lets go find a company to mess up, I'm pretty sure we could be great at it.

What color jet do you want?

In 1953 an obscure calypso singer named Lord Intruder performed a song called "Jumbie Jamboree" at a concert on the small Caribbean island of Tobago. By the end of the 50's the song "Zombie Jamboree" had been recorded by hugely popular entertainers such as The Kingston Trio and Harry Belafonte.

Luther Dirth, President of the Zombie Non-Disparagement League (ZNDL), released a statement explaining, "The 50's were a more innocent time, people honestly didn't understand how prejudiced and hurtful lyrics like, "back to back, belly to belly, don't give a damn I done dead already' could be."

Since the 50's the Zombie population here and abroad has exploded, permeating our collective consciousness and popular culture. The press release continued, "No Zombie has ever received a single royalty from the flood of Zombie movies, television shows, books and comics that are capitalizing on some very proud yet downtrodden people."

A number of "rights groups" are taking up the Zombie cause. Activist Randi Bing laments, "Sure they move slow, they can't even outrun each other. Right now we're researching the possibility of a Zombie Olympics. And we have to change the way Zombies are seen in our culture. The same way midgets and dwarfs prefer to be called "little people" Zombies too understand that there's a lot in a name. "The Walking Dead" will no longer be an acceptable term with which to refer to Zombies. Henceforth "Rotting" or "Decaying" people will be the acceptable and polite way to refer to this segment of society."

The AFL-CIO is currently holding meetings regarding the potential of unionizing Zombies. "Right now Zombies in movies and TV shows are played by people in Zombie makeup. We find that the worst form of racism. Zombies should be played by Zombies.

Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are looking at the situation and there's talk of a "path to citizenship." President Obama weighed in, "Of course there'll be reasonable conditions, they'll have to stop ripping people's hearts out and eating them."

Today Carnival Cruise Lines announced disappointment over weak bookings for its tours to the newly discovered underwater city of Heracleion. The city, known as Thonis to the ancient Egyptians, thought to be lost to history forever, was discovered in 2000. Wayne Bing, President of Carnival lamented, "We figured this would be an easy sell, but for some reason people are reluctant to board a Carnival ship bound for an underwater city."

Industry observers point to recent mishaps such as the sinking of carnival cruise ship Costa Concordia and the engine room fire on Triumph that caused the vessel to lose power and drift helplessly for days, as possible deterrents. A travel agent, who asked not to be identified, suggested that vacationers feel that Carnival ships are, themselves, underwater cities waiting to happen. "People are opting for Vegas, you can't sink a city in the middle of the desert."

The European Institute for Underwater Archeology discovered the city four miles off the coast of Egypt in about 30 feet of water. Underwater archeologist Randy Bowlton said that having been protected by sand for millennia has left the site in remarkably good condition. "All the hotels and guest houses have plenty of vacancies, in fact, they've been vacant for thousands of years…come on down!"

Scientists can only speculate as to why the city sunk. Some feel that liquefaction of the soil under the buildings (building on mud?) may have been the cause. Others think a massive flood or earthquake might be to blame. "Or some other thing that causes cities to be covered with water."

The Heracleion Chamber of Commerce says, "What's done is done. The casinos are open and the duty free shops have tons of cool underwater stuff ready to go, but we've still got some work to do on the public transportation."

In a Gallup/Daily News poll conducted among more than 10,000 Satan worshipers, when asked: "What business would the Dark Lord be in if he was walking the earth right now?" 96% of responders declared, "oil and gas would be a perfect fit, coal's cool too, maybe better."

Alistair Crowley, a lifelong fan of "Old Scratch" emphasized, "I can't imagine the big guy having more fun than fracking…turning drinking water into something you can ignite, are you kidding me!"

Worshipping the "Prince of Darkness" isn't the risky avocation it once was, Crowley explained, "The Spanish Inquisition was a rough patch… we all have painful memories of that one, same with the Salem witch trials. But things are really looking up… we now have the Tea Party, the NRA going for us, and the best minions Beelzebub has had in centuries, the Koch brothers. Those boys have been doing a lot of heavy lifting for the "big guy" and the rank and file are deeply grateful."

Apparently the Koch's devotion to fossil fuels and deregulation are, if not part of Lucifer's master plan, definitely right up His alley.

To the objective observer it seems unfair that so much of the load should be heaped on one set of siblings but now another job has fallen to the Koch boys. Crowley expanded, "Rupert Murdoch and Fox News have been spearheading Hell's - Entertainment Division for quite a while, but now we see a new opportunity. The Tribune Company (owners of The Chicago Tribune, the L.A. Times and other newspapers) has gone toes-up and the Boss has instructed his best disciples to see if they can grab it and start executing better control over the news."

Crowley enthused, "This is a little out of their area of expertise, but many Satanists are still smarting from that 400 million dollars the Koch boys spent trying to buy the Presidential election… only to come up goose eggs. People want to see these guys get the ball, they want to see what they can do with it."

Speaking at a press conference held at his "Halliburton West" ranch, former Vice-President Dick Cheney leveled harsh criticism at the Obama administration for not yet invading Chechnya over the Boston marathon bombings. "Sure, there were a few days there where Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann were insisting we declare war on Czechoslovakia, but that's been cleared up now. As far as everyone but Michele and Sarah are concerned anyway, it's time to get the tanks rolling!"

A clearly agitated Cheney began fiddling with Darth Vader-like controls on his artificial heart, "That guy went to Chechnya, came back to the U.S. and some time later bought a pressure cooker! Are you kidding me? We've bombed hell out of places for less."

While the people of the Czech Republic are said to be "sheltering in place," your average Chechen has simply abandoned all hope.

Republican lawmakers are using the Boston tragedy to highlight the administration's soft, lefty, stance on terrorism. House Speaker John Boehner declared that, "If Czechoslovakia happens to sound like Chechnya to the American ear, it's their own fault! You're damn right they should be sheltering in place, we need to rain some shock and awe down on those suckers!"

Interviewed by phone, former candidate Sarah Palin was completely simpatico with former veep Cheney. "I admit I can't see Czechoslovakia or Chechnya from my porch, but I'm almost sure I can see Austria or Australia… I'm not sure which, what's the dif? Either way I'm sure that all of them terrorist bastards could use a few, good old-fashioned American bombs dropped in their laps.
Reached at his Texas ranch, former president Bush declined to comment. "For eight years Dick begged me to keep my piehole shut and stay outta sight. Now people are just beginning to like me so I'm thinking I'm going to keep my piehole shut and stay outta sight. Besides, these here sheep need neuterin."

Today hundreds of Elvis impersonators are breathing a tentative sigh of relief. Last week one of their number had been arrested for sending letters laced with the poison ricin to President Obama, Senator Roger Wicker and a judge. The suspect, part time Elvis, Paul Kevin Curtis has subsequently been released with all charges dropped. Randy Bing, President of the Elvis Entertainment Coalition stated, “Our membership was very much afraid that the public would start thinking that there might be something a little bit wrong with us.”

Curtis, (Elvis) is currently a free man as the investigation moves forward.

No trace of the poison ricin and no ingredients for making the substance were found at Curtis’ home or in his car. Forensic studies of the envelopes themselves produced no fingerprints or DNA of the subject. However, Chief Investigator Leonard Charles was confidant that they had their man. “The letters were signed with the subject’s initials “P. C.”… hell, no one would ever sigh someone else’s initials to a poison filled letter sent to the president!”

Nonetheless, a second suspect is being sought.

Members of congress are said to be extremely edgy. Mitch McConnell quaked, “Sure,
we think it’s fine that the country is armed to the teeth, but that poison stuff is dangerous. Someone could get hurt, we gotta find the right guy.”

In a related story, TV news FOX 4 out of Dallas - Fort Worth reported that actress Zooey Deschanel was one of the Boston Marathon bombers. Ms. Deschanel has denied the report. Chief investigator Charles has admitted that events of the past week seem to bear her out but… “She has yet to deny being an Elvis impersonator; and we’re currently researching what her initials are, needless to say, we’re keeping a very close eye on this young lady.”

In a press conference at its Provincetown, Massachusetts world headquarters, “Big Pistol Lovers Association” CEO, Lain LaDerriere, announced that, “The only one who can stop a bad guy with poison is a good guy with poison!”

On Friday, citing the network's need for fresh leadership, CNN Chief Jim Walton resigned.

While execs are vehemently denying it, industry insiders are whispering that the EMMY nominations committee consideration of CNN's "news" coverage for a best drama nod may have played a part. Responding to the rumor, Walton stated that, "News and facts are relative terms as everyone in Hollywood knows. However, it would be an honor to be nominated… and a wonderful way to be remembered at the network." He went on, "How about the time Wolf (Blitzer) reported that the Pacific Ocean wasn't nearly as wide as people thought, and if you just rowed out a couple miles, you could see the other side!"

Jeff Zucker, head of CNN Worldwide, has announced that Mr. Walton couldn't be replaced by a single person. " The job is too big for any one man. So we've talked the hillbilly, mutant, cannibal family from "The Hills Have Eyes" into coming on board. They were close to inking a deal with Fox and we grabbed them just in time! These people are at the top of their game. They've anchored many fine films and much of America can identify with them. They polled particularly well with NRA members."

While the "Hills" family is noted for their dramatic portrayals, Zucker is confidant that they'll be able to transition to news… "Our kind of news anyway. These lads can segue from dismembering people with chainsaws to using the crudest hand tools in the blink of an eye. Are you telling me they can't run a network that reports made up stuff and calls it fact?"

As part of the general shakeup Dr. Sanjay Gupta will be hosting a new series on self medication, "Just Take What Makes You Feel Tingly," and several specials on "do it yourself surgery at home", perhaps with guest appearances by the new executives.

"There is no way the NBPLA will support a law condoning backside checks. If the government thinks it has to check backsides, we will show them our pistols." So spoke Lain LaDerriere, President of the National Big Pistol Lovers Association.

With 90% of the country supporting background checks for the purchase of firearms, the NBPLA continues its obdurate stance regarding any kind of progress involving gun control.

While most of Congress cowers at the thought of crossing the powerful gun lobby, some brave Senators have come up with a bi-partisan bill that they know doesn't stand the chance of a banana clip at a gun show of getting through the House of Representatives. "They'll eat this baby alive, no harm will be done," explained Leonard Charles, co-author of the bill.

Senator Wayne Bing explained, "Whatever these guys are compensating for, it must be a huge/tiny problem… they really like to play with their pistols."

The 4.3 million Americans who belong to gun groups are paranoid about the government kicking in their doors and taking away their guns, while the other 310 million Americans are paranoid about getting gunned down by psycho scumbag with a single digit IQ.

LaDerriere first came to national attention by championing transgender rights, "Every man and woman in America has the right to own a gun… even if they're the same person," became a rallying cry that never really caught on. Since then, LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) rights groups have disavowed LaDerriere as having a "diseased mind" and being, "beyond a nut case."

Later in the day the NBPLA issued a terse statement, "forget it," when it was pointed out to LaDerriere that it was "background checks" that people wanted, not "backside checks."

Hollywood exhaled a collective sigh of relief Friday when Daily Variety announced that "THE CHARLIE SHEEN SCHOOL OF GETTING IT TOGETHER" has granted Lindsay Lohan early admittance. Dean of students Randy Bowlton explained that, "Miss Lohan is everything we hope for in a student… her track record speaks for itself." Dean Bowlton went on, "We usually don't accept new students till the summer "passed out face down on the sidewalk in front of the nightclub" season is well underway, but as you all know, for Lindsay that sort of thing has no season."

Lohan is scheduled for a court ordered stay in rehab starting in May, but many feel that "Charlie's" school is an invaluable prerequisite. The young starlet's course load will include, CS101-"WHY, In Public?" and CS203-"Choosing Friends Who Aren't Scumbags!" which consists of roundtable discussions on people you meet at your drug dealer's apartment.

Cornered at her neighborhood Walmart, a decidedly upbeat Lohan was asked what she was most looking forward to during her stay at "Charlie's" place. "I heard there's a seminar called, PUT THAT DOWN, IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. I think that sounds like a lot of fun," Lohan gushed as she slipped the latest issue of People Magazine and a Weber model 751001 charcoal grill under her sweater.

Regarding her plans following rehab, Lohan said she's scheduled some post-graduate diplomacy courses at the Dennis Rodman School For International Studies, "The State Department has asked me to travel to North Korea to see if I can do something about averting a nuclear holocaust. Sounds like a mess over there, I think I'll bring Charlie."

Sunday, in a fit of frustration, Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy referred to NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre as "a clown at the circus." The NRA's ongoing opposition to anything that smacks of any kind of gun control has elected officials it doesn't own at wits end. When asked how he felt about being referred to as a clown," LaPierre whipped out a shaving cream pie and wielded it in a threatening manner while laughing hysterically. He then chortled, "Why the hell would the American people worry about homicidal maniacs being able to purchase assault rifles without even a background check, when they can worry about where Beyonce' and Jay-Z go on vacation? My man Marco will back me on that." Referring to Florida Senator Marco Rubio, whose constituents hate people going to Cuba.

The NRA has 4.3 million members or a little more than 2% of the electorate… a considerably smaller percentage than blacks, Hispanics and gays. Asked how such a relatively tiny voter base can terrify so many lawmakers, LaPierre chuckled and spouted, "Well, it sure doesn't have anything to do with the money ha, ha!" He then pulled out a horn with a huge bulb on the end of it and began squeezing and honking and merrily dancing around the room. "Besides" he declared, "Who can worry about murdered children when Obama is running around referring to attractive politicians as attractive politicians."

As President Obama continues to push for gun control, Republican lawmakers are pledging to block the legislation at every turn. LaPierre pointed out that, "NRA volunteers will be handing out red noses and bouquets of balloons to all our members of congress as a gesture of solidarity. Every balloon will have a $20 in it and EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN!"

With that LaPierre and a score of his staff climbed into a tiny car and sped off.

Today Canada announced that it was closing its border with the United States. Prime Minister Stephen Harper expressed regret, "that it had come to this." Generations of cordial relations between the two nations have been strained since a mass exodus of baby boomers began a lemming-like migration north. "We can't possibly absorb this many geezers and codgers," Harper lamented.

The situation began to evolve the day after North Korean leader Kim Jong Un declared war on the United States. While the announcement shocked the entire nation, those who were in college during the Vietnam conflict seemed to have a more visceral reaction than others. And rumors of the draft being reinstated produced a high level of anxiety among the "Hell no, we won't go" generation.

At the Whitehouse, Press Secretary Jay Carney assured the media that there were no plans to resume the draft, while outside hundreds of gray haired retirees with nothing better to do milled around chanting, "You can't trust the man!" and "Off the pigs!" Headbands and moth eaten tie-dye t-shirts were everywhere, while a grinning septuagenarian passed out something that, for all the world, looked like blotter LSD.

While riot police were on hand to control the crowd, most of them sat around in lounge chairs sunning themselves, as exhausted protesters doddered about looking for someplace to take a nap.

Despite assurances from the administration, thousands continue to flee to the northern border to escape the draft.

Pathetic scenes at border crossings had ancient, decaying hippies clutching copies of Mother Jones and seeking shelter from the elements. One particularly seedy looking old gentleman carrying a sign suggesting that people should "MAKE LOVE NOT WAR" sold Canadian bootleg Viagra.

Several particularly disgruntled geriatrics announced that they were going to "occupy" Woodstock; "Nixon will never find us there!!"

While a river of noxious, black sludge flowed through a Mayflower, Arkansas suburb, a spokesperson for the oil industry explained that the pipeline that ruptured, built in the 1940's, had undergone regular inspections complying with industry standards. In fact, if you had been watching the coverage of the spokesperson's statement on TV, with your eyes closed, you would have concluded that nothing was happening at all. Which, coincidentally, is how The American Medical Association suggests you watch TV. Eyes closed, fingers in your ears.

In the United States the oil industry is so powerful and owns so many politicians that even the NRA is a little jealous. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre expressed outrage. "I refuse to accept that we live in a country in which elected officials can be purchased like streetwalkers. I'm going to have our politicians investigate their politicians and get to the bottom of this!"

The oil industry has been existing in its own reality for who knows how long, but anyone who was missing that fact got a dose of reality when, following the gulf oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward commented that he, too, was upset by how long the event was dragging on and that he "wanted his life back," seemingly oblivious to the fact that eleven men were killed in the rig explosion and they didn't have the luxury of wanting their lives back.

When asked to comment, a high-ranking oil executive who wished to remain anonymous, was baffled as to why people hated oil companies, "Doesn't everyone raise their prices regularly, for no reason at all, during a recession?" On the possibility of the Mayflower incident affecting the highly divisive Keystone XL pipeline, he laughed, "No way! When they propose gun control legislation what happens…gun sales skyrocket. I predict that we'll have 800,000 gallons of oil sands flying through that pipeline like rounds through an assault rifle in no time. This is America, I know…we bought it.

Today Thomas Insel, director of The National Institute of Mental Health, announced that NIMH was embarking on the most ambitious project since its creation in 1949.
"NIMH has several ongoing objectives in the areas of identifying and treating mental disorders," Insel declared. "But, as you can imagine, in this line of work it's important to be able to think on your feet, particularly when unique opportunities present themselves."

He went on," This idea first came to us when we noticed Kim Kardashian was celebrating her pregnancy by dressing like a manatee hooker."

"Then when North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un declared war on Austin, Texas, it seemed that we might be on to something special.

"The deciding factor was when Rep. Don Young (R-Ak) felt that it was politically correct to refer to Hispanic, migrant workers as the W word, you know, moisture on the dorsal region. At that point we were sure we had a perfect storm of research candidates and it would be irresponsible not to take advantage of the situation."

"We've coined a catchy and easy to pronounce acronym for our new research project… it's called, WTHIWWP or What The Hell Is Wrong With People? We feel that if we can gain insight into the workings of the minds of Kim Kardashian, Kim Jong Un and Don Young, it will help us understand aberrant behavior in the population in general."

Don Young has been Alaska's only member of the House of Representatives for forty years and is no stranger to controversy. His best-known flirtation with idiocy came with his staunch support for the "bridge to nowhere," a 400 million dollar pork barrel project that connected an island with 50 inhabitants to mainland Alaska.
Then as a member of the Natural Resources Committee, Young was adamant that the BP Gulf Oil Spill was no big deal because there were a lot of ships sunk in WWII, spilling an awful lot of oil, and that didn't seem to do any harm.

Ms. Kardashian is a "reality" show star which means that she's famous for nothing at all. With the possible exception of her ka-jillion dollar, 72 day marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries, accounts of which should be required reading for all couples applying for marriage licenses.

And the 28 year old North Korean leader Jim Jong Un, son of dictator Kim Jong Il, was probably doomed to be a megalomaniac before he could even spell it. But in all fairness, you can't spell megalomaniac in Korean either.

Insel concluded, "Clearly there's much work to be done."

Beltway insiders are predicting that the Supreme Court will rule that if you don't want to marry someone of your own sex…you don't have to.

In a hastily called press conference, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell suggested that this was probably a liberal gambit to keep people producing little liberals, "Or something like that… whatever. I'm going to get to the bottom of it, and I'm not going to wait for God to weigh in."

Public opinion on same sex marriages has been evolving rapidly in the last few years with the majority of Americans now being of the opinion that homosexual Americans have the same right to be miserable as heterosexual Americans. "Sounds like one of those affirmative action things," quipped House Speaker John Boehner. "Next thing you know, these same sex couples are going want access to free birth control."

While Supreme Court Justices are traditionally loath to discuss matters before the court, Justice Antonin Scalia did release a statement indicating that his lifelong fear of homosexuals would in no way affect his disposition towards the case. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released a similar statement indicating that the "interesting " photographs that disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner had been emailing her would also have no affect on her approach to the case, "But it's not really the same thing anyway, is it?"

When reached for comment, Rep. Barney Frank suggested that if the high court couldn't see fit to legalize marriage for gays, a reasonable option could be to make all marriage illegal. "Who wouldn't mind seeing every bloodsucking divorce lawyer in the country put out of business? It would probably put everyone in such a good mood that married people would get along a whole lot better."

At that point former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig excused himself to go to the Men's Room.

On Monday a leading Italian newspaper reported that the Vatican had spent around €20 million in 2008 on a block of apartments for members of the "Congregation for the Evangelisation of Peoples," which deals with the Church's missionary activities. The real estate is also home to the gay sauna and health, "Europa Multiclub."

On Tuesday CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Committee) a (right) wing of the Republican Party, released a statement indicating that it wasn't too crazy about the new Pope's feelings regarding the poor.

In a press conference Sarah Palin, while sipping out of a huge 40oz cup of what she claimed was holy water, ranted, "This new Pope guy is obviously one of these leftys that thinks poor people should have access to medical care, housing and food. He's all like… oh you POOR people."

Former candidate Mitt Romney complained, "It would be Pope Mitt if this Frank person didn't get 100% of the vote of the 47%."

While the problems of The Church of Rome are no secret and ongoing, the newly installed Pope Francis doesn't seem to think the disapproval of the Republican Party is one of them. In flawless pig Latin he responded "Hooway ivesgay ayay atsray assyay."

Romney countered that, "The Republican war on non-millionaires will proceed undeterred despite the debacle in Rome. I'm as good as Pope in the boardroom"

When a reporter pointed out that Romney was a Mormon and couldn't possibly be Pope, Governor Romney shut down the press conference citing "liberal media bias" as the reason.

While many feel that it was a very good week in Rome, Romney's final comment was that, "It's been a rough time for the party, I could use a workout and a sauna."

In a terse statement, TSA head John Pistole indicated that there would be no backing down in regard to the March 5th announcement that jackknives would now be allowed on airplanes, Pistole queried, "How else are people going to whittle?"

While whittlers the world over have decried the pocketknife ban from the get go, flight attendants are voicing strong objections to the rule change. Sandy Bingham, President of the Flight Attendants Union pointed out, "Pistole is naturally concerned with anything that would take down an airplane. We're also concerned with anything that could "take down" a flight attendant." "Always thinking of themselves… am I right," Mr. Pistole rejoined.

Passengers will also be allowed a block of wood, "no larger than their head" as carry-on.

Along with pocketknives the TSA is also allowing other objects that couldn't possibly be used as weapons to be brought on board, such as pool cues and golf clubs. A decision obviously made by someone who has never been in a pool hall or on a golf course. Ms. Bingham suggested that she'd, "love to be in a room alone with Pistole and a golf club."

The TSA statement envisioned contented passengers whittling and putting during long boring flights, but cautioned that, "Some airlines may apply a surcharge for these activities" since, "They haven't yet been allowed to charge passengers for the toxic, germ laden air they breath during flights."

In his closing statement Mr. Pistole chuckled and added, "Just as a footnote: since pool cues, golf clubs and baseball bats are no longer banned, we can now do away with cavity searches, as that's where those items usually turned up."

Three Ukrainian commando dolphins trained to search for mines, attack divers and plant explosives have escaped from their handler in the Crimea, Russia's RIA Novosti news agency reported Tuesday.

Two of five returned from a training mission, the others are gone. It's been noted previously that male dolphins, when encountering females during mating season, will abandon their mission and follow the females, usually returning in a couple weeks. Human handlers are at a loss as to what would make them do a thing like that.

The militaries of many nations have been trying to weaponize the gentle creatures for decades, essentially hoping to make them as nasty as human beings. Wayne Bing, leader of a UDT (underwater demolition team) unit based in St. Thomas USVI commented, "It's not easy, they're smarter than we are. They seem to resist having bombs strapped to them so they can sneak up on ships and blow themselves up. We were going to try to train them in Afghanistan for this, but there was this lack of water." He continued, "We did teach a couple of them to tap beer kegs, however, and those guys are quite popular at our UDT beach parties."

The official line from the US military is that we only use dolphins for intelligence gathering purposes, with intelligence being a relative term when it comes to human beings. "They seem to have trouble relating to our thinking, often acting deeply confused."

To date, though efforts have been ongoing, no one has been able to persuade one of the thoughtful beasts to run for congress. "It's like the explosives, there are some things they just won't do."

Several animal rights groups have threatened class action lawsuits should anyone try to put the decent creatures anywhere near US lawmakers.

In a statement issued Sunday, Afghan President Harmid Karzai expressed, in the strongest possible language, his disappointment in President Obama’s joining the Taliban, "I thought we were pals" Karzai lamented.

The Afghan leader, who along with his family, have been looting their country for nine years now seems at a loss to understand why no one likes him. "I'm not doing anything that Saddam and Gaddafi didn’t do, and everyone loved them!"

Karzai feels that it is in the Obama Administration’s best interest to keep Afghanistan unstable, "so they can continue to use us as a cut-rate resort for American troops." Karzai spokesman Aimal Faizi added, "look, just add water and Afghanistan is the biggest beach resort in the world…you guys love it here."

Pentagon officials took exception to the notion that U.S. troops like being blown up in a country that looks like a time trip back to the stone age. "This place makes Baghdad look like Disney World," commented a high-ranking officer. "However, many of us think President Obama would do very well in the Taliban. He's notoriously bloodthirsty, he loves "offing", "capping" and "clipping" people, and just the other day I couldn’t help but notice he ordered a manatee steak for dinner… the man is cruel. Of course, no one wants to be the person to tell Michelle that she’s wearing a burka from now on!"

White House press secretary Jay Carney presented the official response to the Obama/Taliban dust up. "Karzai’s a massive dick and it will be the happiest day of President Obama’s life when the last American soldier is out of that rathole!"

The State Department issued a press release this morning suggesting that it might have to “let Dennis Rodman go.”

 While the “roving ambassador’s” whirlwind tour of North Korea garnered international publicity with pictures of the former basketball freak and North Korean despot Kim Jong Un being splashed across front pages everywhere, things took a distinctive southward turn when, early Thursday, North Korea announced it was considering a preemptive nuclear strike against the United States. A high-ranking State department official declared, “This wasn’t exactly what we had in mind.”

 The US intelligence community has known about the young Korean dictator’s passion for the Chicago Bulls for quite some time, and “Operation Nosepick” has been the in planning stages for several months.

 Agent Rodman received a call from his superiors in an exploding phone booth in January. Rodman escaped injury but sadly, several homeless people who were napping in the vicinity were lost.

 Rodman was clearly told that if the mission were to take a nosedive, the State Department would disavow all knowledge of the operation. In a prescient bit of strategizing, the State Department went ahead and disavowed Rodmen before the plane carrying him and several members of the Harlem Globetrotters left the tarmac.

 The mission started off well enough with the Globetrotters participating in an exhibition match in Pyongyang. Seated next to Rodmen, the young leader seemed to fully enjoy the contest that was played to a diplomatic draw.

 It was in a pickup game following the match where trouble began. Sources claim that “more than one” personal foul occurred during the game, all involving Rodman and Un. When reached for comment Rodman snapped, “No way I was going to let that guy shoot from outside.”

 The U.N. has invoked sanctions against North Korea and is considering similar actions against Rodman.

In an all too rare example of bi-partisan cooperation, the Whitehouse and both houses of Congress have all simply, “agreed to disagree.”

 After more than four years marked by bickering, stonewalling and no small amount of good old-fashioned backstabbing, our elected officials have finally come together.Speaker of the House John Boehner crowed, “We all work under the same roof, I knew there was a meeting of the minds in there somewhere.”

 Congressmen and Senators could barely suppress grins as aides and pages handed out solid gold, smiley face pins to lawmakers, while outside the Capital, several hundred protesters who were there to demonstrate against congressional inaction were given cheap plastic versions of the same cheerful, little bauble.

 Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) commented, “Now that we’ve agreed on this, the path is clear for us to do absolutely nothing for the foreseeable future.” Minority Leader Mitch McConnell added, “With no expectations, there’ll be no disappointment… I don’t know why we didn’t think of this long ago!”

 With it being clear that there’s no chance in hell of anything getting done, the sentiment on “The Hill” is lawmakers won’t have to waste so much time in Washington. “It’s been a long hard winter,” complained Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) “I think we’re all ready for a few months on a beach.” Staffers from both parties are being given forwarding addresses so Senators and Representatives will receive their paychecks with a minimum delay. One Senator who demanded anonymity huffed, “You know the damned Postal Service! I want to be on that beach with my paycheck in one hand and a Mai Tai in the other.”

 Capital Hill lobbyists are said to be concerned about a dearth of lawmakers to take to dinner and bribe. Leonard Charles, considered by many to be perhaps the “greatest sleaze ball lobbyist of modern times” whined, “My clients expect an expense account padded to the limit each and every month. What am I going to do with these bums out of town all the time?”

 In a man on the street interview outside the Old Senate Office Building, Wayne Bowlton, a pipe fitter from Putney, Vermont, indicated that he felt the whole thing was a pretty good idea. “It’s like that doctor’s saying… above all, do not harm. It seems to me the less they do, the less damage they can inflict on the American people.”

Multimillionaire Dennis Tito announced on Thursday his plans to send a married couple to Mars by the year 2018. You will remember that Tito paid the Russians twenty million bucks to take him to the International Space Station in 2001, thus earning him the title of the first “space tourist.”

 I sincerely, desperately hope that by “married couple” he means one of those nice gay couples that have been together for 25 tears and was recently allowed to marry. Because if he’s talking about a man and a woman… I don’t have the words.

 Sure I’m a cynic. I know that there are plenty of happily married opposite sex couples; you just have to go to the “greatest generation” and work back. Anything more current than that and your odds begin to plummet.

 The scary thing is that a Wikipedia search of Mr. Tito tells us that he, himself is married, and yet he still thinks this couple thing is a good idea. Bravo… and I mean it. But there’s almost nothing on Mrs. Tito to be found on the Internet, so you can take that ball and run with it in any direction you wish.

 The journey will purportedly take 501 days and is characterized as a “high risk” mission. The risks are deep space radiation, missing a small “keyhole” near Mars and zooming off into infinity and vaporizing in the highest reentry speed ever attempted. There are lots of married people who’d gladly risk all that just to get away from their spouse, but together? Right now I’m mentally writing the dialogue for the “you left the seat up again” snit occurring half way to Mars with a long, long way to go.

 The upside of sending a married couple to Mars in 2018 is that it will give me plenty of time to go to law school. I’m already beginning to overcome my (everyone’s) natural aversion to that profession. Naturally, I’ll specialize in divorce law and I want a piece of this one so bad I can taste it.

I feel that I have a pretty good plan here with one ridiculously horrible downside… if the married couple sent aloft were fellow jillionaires and probably pals of Tito, Mr. and Mrs. Donald Trump.

 There are some things you don’t want to touch no matter how many pairs of gloves you put on.

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R) has been turning up on the talk news circuit.

 Readers may remember Sanford as the Governor who went missing in 2009. His absence from the Governor’s Mansion and the Statehouse came as a surprise to everyone from his staff and his wife to state lawmakers. At the time aides suggested that he might be hiking the Appalachian Trail. As it turned out he was hiking someone named Maria Belen Chapur in Argentina.

 This quality time with Ms. Chapur had a negative effect on the Sanford’s marriage, and since he flew to South America on the state’s dime, it didn’t do a world of good for his political career either. Sanford was censured by the South Carolina General Assembly for the misuse of state travel funds and retired from office. Jenny Sullivan, his wife of 21 years and mother of his four children, gave him the boot.

 Now, four years later, Sanford is back.

  The usual way for high profile, philandering husbands to weasel their way back into the public eye and pocket a few bucks at the same time, is to write a mea culpa book and go on tour. That can lead to television appearances and all that airtime can lead to a show of one’s own. Another way is to find God and start your own ministry/church. People tend to love a reformed sinner who now wants to clean up everyone else’s act.

 In what Randy Bing of the Georgetown University School of Sleazball Studies has called “an impressive display of lateral thinking,” former Governor Sanford is getting back into politics and running for office.

 Sanford is freely admitting he made gazpacho soup out of his private life. “That South American broad I was hitting when I was married is now my soul mate.” He now insists that he always was and still could be a bang up public servant and will be running for congress in 2013.

 The title of Sanford’s first book is “The Trust Committed To Me” and it and can be picked up on Amazon for $3.75.

It's 3,025,121 on the Amazon bestseller list.

Former Congressman Jesse L. Jackson Jr. stepped out of a gleaming replica of the Batmobile and made his way towards the courthouse. Walking with head bowed, fighting back tears he was heard whispering, “I couldn’t help it… I just like STUFF.” By his side his loyal wife, former Chicago Alderman Sandra Stevens Jackson was heard echoing, “He just likes STUFF.”

 Jackson’s rising star began an unexpected descent some time ago when he began disappearing from congress for weeks at a time with no explanation. Aides later tried to characterize his absences as health related, suggesting possible substance abuse issues or maybe bipolar disorder. As investigations into his possible financial improprieties evolved, it became clear that Jackson had spent a great deal of money at Disneyworld. Authorities are looking into a connection.

 Jackson has admitted to the misuse of campaign funds, and will also be pleading guilty to a number of “bells and whistles” crimes usually associated with that sort of misdeed.

 Climbing the courthouse steps, while clearly contrite, Jackson looked natty wearing a mink cape and a pink fedora once belonging to Michael Jackson (no relation).

 Many have observed that Congressman Jackson’s lifestyle might be better suited to Neverland Ranch than the House of Representatives. Jackson commented that, “Mikey had all kinds of “stuff” and no one minded.”

 A frequent shopper at Costco and Best Buy, when asked about diverting $750,000 in campaign funds for his personal use, Jackson quipped, “my homies would have wanted me to have all this “stuff,” sometimes I let them try on my “Mikey” hat.”

 Having easily won re-election despite the political turmoil, Jackson can now look forward to 4-5 years in prison instead of finishing his term in the house.

 Jackson is said to be hoping to keep his “Mikey” hat.

Dateline… Mobile Alabama: While 4000 weary and filthy passengers scrambled to flee stricken Carnival cruise ship “Triumph,” anxious relatives at the dock jostled with thousands of lawyers who had traveled from across the United States to be there to welcome the unfortunate vacationers.

 Candi Bowlton, a grandmother who was there to find her daughter and grandchildren, described the attorneys as “a pack of jackals with briefcases fighting over a fresh kill.” She sobbed, “One of then hit me on the neck with a beautiful alligator attaché case while another one cut me off at the back of the knees. I went down instantly, I thought I was going to be devoured then and there, but they didn’t want me, they just kept charging the people trying to get off the ship.”

 For the attorneys, many of whom were veterans of the “Costa Concordia” disaster, there was blood in the water. “Life is pretty sweet on Isola del Giglio, damn I love Italian food, this one’s going to be rough,” lamented one attorney who wouldn’t give his name.

 While dozens of lawyers in three piece-suites circled the vessel on jet skis, others parachuted onto the deck of the disabled luxury liner; all hoping to get first crack at the most disgruntled vacationers.

 We found W. T. Heck, a lawyer from Aspen, Colorado smoking a cigar and relaxing on a bench on the dock. “I already bagged fourteen, I’m taking a little break before I get back in there.” He continued, “as the disaster began to unfold word spread like wildfire in the legal community.” Heck described a mad scramble of lawyers scooping up airline tickets and banding together to charter busses to get the to the port in Mobile.

 “We put thirty lawyers on a bus designed to carry sixty human beings, it was pretty tight. Once the bus was finally loaded, we began a nightmarish two-day trip to Alabama. It was like being in hell. With only three meal stops per day, hunger was a real problem and some of those restaurants were pretty bad. Then there was the time we ran out of champagne….”

On February 12, news agencies around the globe announced that North Korea had conducted its third nuclear test since 2006. President Obama and other leaders characterized the act as, “extremely provocative.”

The world community had hoped that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, son of deceased strongman Kim Jong Il, would have proved to be more progressive and less belligerent than previous regimes. The young Kim’s babysitter, Sum Dum Bim, tried to brush off international outrage, “Boys have always enjoyed blowing things up. Un isn’t doing anything different than what lads all over the world have been doing for ages.”

While the scientific community is expressing grave concern, a statement has been released suggesting that the country with the most to fear from the risky tests in North Korea is… North Korea. “It’s like a blind kid with a cherry bomb,” stated Wayne Bing, spokesman for the international watchdog group, IWG.

Back in the States, National Rifle Association spokesman Wayne LaPierre decreed that North Korea was well within its Second Amendment rights to “blow up whatever it damn well pleases.” He went on, “They can have clips holding as many warheads as they want and absolutely will not need to be subjected to background checks.” LaPierre also pledged that the NRA would rally every member of Congress it owns (a whole lot of them) to fight for North Korea’s rights. “We’re sending a delegation from Washington to Pyongyang with cake and ice cream to help Un celebrate.”

It’s rumored that LaPierre is courting the young despot in hopes that he’ll agree to appear in a series of NRA ads promoting gun violence. “Every cause needs a “face,” and we feel a wholesome boy like Un is just the ticket to encourage American youth to buy guns, shoot stuff, and blow things up.”

LaPierre concluded, “The more we Americans can become enlightened like North Korea, the better!”

Currently making headlines is the fact that the New York Times has been hacked. Private Bush family emails have been hacked. Proposed new CIA director John Brennan announced that he isn’t crazy about water boarding and other “enhanced” interrogation techniques, and President Obama would rather “off” terrorists with unmanned drones than risk the lives of troops (Seal Team 6, 7, 8….) on the ground.

Somehow all this has to be related.

I know that hackers are supposed to be smarter than the rest of us but I’m beginning to wonder. Why would anyone hack The New York Times? The “Times” is a news organization whose function, by definition, is to disseminate information. If I want to know that The New York Times knows, you know what I do? I go down to the newsstand and buy a copy. There it is, in my hands. Wasn’t that easy? Now the “Times” probably has a lot of information kicking around that it doesn’t print. The reason they don’t print a lot of that is because they’re not sure it’s true. So, you can hack the “Times” to get into the files of stuff they don’t print because they can’t verify it, but why bother? If you want a bunch of untrue BS why not just make up your own... why go to the trouble of stealing the “Times” untrue BS?

And why, why on God’s green earth, would ANYONE want to steal the Bush family’s private emails and photographs? If the hackers think they can sell that stuff, I know one person that ain’t buying.

Unless, and here’s where it begins to come together. Future CIA director Brennan wants to replace waterboard torture with subjecting terrorists to the Bush emails and family photographs. Thus inflicting a punishment so cruel and unusual that the most hardened evildoer can’t withstand it.

And the drones? They’ll be dropping this Bush family material into al Qaeda strongholds until they’re on their knees.

Talk about man’s inhumanity to man.

Now that the Superbowl’s over we can all look forward to spring. But since spring’s way, way off, we can look forward to Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, Superbowl fans and Valentine’s Day fans are not necessarily the same people so for some there’s little solace. There are a lot of women for whom it would be just fine if the Superbowl didn’t exist, and there are plenty of men who could easily do without Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is a kind of lightweight holiday, one in which nobody gets the day off, especially husbands and boyfriends.

The Superbowl, strictly speaking, is no kind of holiday at all, it’s BIGGER than a holiday. And while it’s the same as Valentine’s Day in that nobody gets the day off, 60% of Americans take the Monday after the Superbowl off anyway, and it’s mandatory that bookies take the Tuesday after the Superbowl off.

In the USA all holidays are commercialized big time, particularly the religious ones that shouldn’t be commercialized at all. Bars and bookies clean up on the Superbowl. If people who make hot chicken wings can be considered a demographic, they clean up too. Valentine’s Day however is a huge boondoggle for florists, the candy people, jewelers and restaurants.

Gamblers find an almost infinite amount of things to wager on in the Superbowl, from the coin toss to the final score and a whole lot in between. What about Valentine’s Day? What to bet on? The lack of wagering opportunities on Valentine’s Day is a sad thing for bookies, especially since men, the prime gamblers on the Superbowl are throwing so much dough around trying to impress their beloved, or just not get into deep trouble, on Valentine’s Day. Well, there is one thing that comes to mind that could be wagered on during the course of Valentine’s Day, or that night, but it probably can’t be discussed in a family newspaper, and would be difficult to independently verify.

But we want to offer you guys all the luck in the world.

On February first a large rodent somewhere in the hinterlands of Pennsylvania either did or didn’t see his or her shadow, so there either will, or will not be, a lot of winter yet to come. I know this is really important because I saw it on the national news. I also saw it on the local news and I’m sure it’s all over the internet. The first two expect us to take them seriously.

I don’t know where you are but where I am, regardless of what the rodent with an unspellable name predicted, the answer to the winter question is pretty clear to me.

But, judging from the media coverage, this must be truly big news to some people and I think I know who those people are. They’re the people who think that the fact that a “Subway” 12 inch sub isn’t always exactly 12 inches long is big news.

I’d be willing to bet a lot that the packet of dough that those rolls are made out of is exactly the same every time, portion controlled. But since the rolls are made out of something called “bread,” they’re not going to be the same size every time. You know, atmospheric conditions, small variations in oven temperature, time in the oven, etc. If Subway sandwiches were made out of 2x4’s they could be exactly 12 inches every time, but less chewable.

So, while I believe I know the answer to the winter question, I also know something about Subway 12 inch subs.

I know that I eat the first half right away and save the other half for lunch the next day. The first day the lettuce is crisp and the roll fluffy. By the next day the sauce I’ve chosen has rendered the lettuce flaccid and the roll more than a little bit mushy. In other words, my sub is halfway to becoming soup. By day 2 the length of the second half of my 12 inch sub is utterly irrelevant.

And if one should be so foolish as to wait for day three, your yummy sub has morphed into something industry professionals call “cream of walk-in,” a place you really don’t want to go.

So the question is….do you think it would be possible to market a submarine sandwich that is a full 12 inches long and made out of groundhog, and possibly 2x4’s?

They call it “awards season.” To say that these self-congratulatory awards shows have a “season” is kind of like saying that places on the equator have seasons. It’s just the one season and it lasts 365 days.

Award shows are like college bowl games… there’s more and more of them every year and it’s gotten to a point that to qualify all you need is to have a football team. Lets hope they don’t get confused and we end up seeing football players on the red carpet flashing cleavage.

The “awards season” crescendos with the “Oscars” and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s “Golden Globe Awards.” From many points of view the Golden Globes are more fun, and classier than the Academy Awards.

This year the Golden Globes presented a “Lifetime Achievement” award to Jodie Foster. Foster is a fine actress and the award was richly deserved. That’s why it was a little surprising when Foster had an apparent mental block during her acceptance speech and couldn’t for the life of her remember the word “lesbian.” I’m sure it popped into her head as soon as she was off stage and she was kicking herself.

The granddaddy of them all, the “Oscars,” don’t seem to have changed much over time. The women show as much flesh as they can get away with and the men look like they were just peeled off an ironing board.

One thing that has changed in the last couple years is that the Academy has increased the number of films nominated for “best picture.” The nomination represents a huge coup in free advertising and potentially untold millions in revenues. So it makes sense.

And the whole thing is ok because it’s “best picture” and not… “very good movie…” there’s a difference. In any given year every single movie produced could be pretty rotten, but out of all those crummy movies one can still be the best. Hence, “Best Picture,” out of a bunch of turkeys.

Remember that.

The price of admission, a bucket of popcorn and a coke costs you about what you paid for your first car.

In the meantime we can all wait for the “Really Good Movie” awards.

So the powers that be have decided against the minting of a trillion dollar coin to solve the nation’s debt problems.

The proposal, put forward by some pinko academics, was “shot down by the Whitehouse right quick,” Press Secretary Jay Carney announced. Speaking in the Whitehouse press center that was decorated with slot machines for the occasion, Carney distributed small buckets of nickels among the assembled reporters; presumably to illustrate potential problems the existence of such a coin might lead to.

As far as I’m concerned, just because some folks in the Whitehouse don’t think this "supercoin" thing is a good idea doesn’t mean it really is a bad idea. A whole lot of truly putrid ideas have come out of the Whitehouse throughout history and it wouldn’t be too difficult to make an argument suggesting these guys don’t know a good idea from a rotten one.

With that in mind, I’ve decided that I’m going to mint my own trillion-dollar coin. And being a good American, I’m going to offer it to the government for half price…talk about your savings! Just between you and me, I actually have some wiggle room on my 500 billion dollar price for the coin but we have to keep that between us.

So as of this writing, I’m designing the coin... something with bunnies, rainbows and unicorns I think, and am looking forward to the thanks of a grateful nation for solving our fiscal crisis. I’m also doing the math on how many lottery tickets 500 billion (maybe a little less) can buy.

You’re welcome.

Chris Cassatt was born in 1946 under the sign of the (Sal A.) Mander.

Artist, cartoonist, writer, photographer, Chris Cassatt was sane….pretty much. He reached the milestone of helming the nationally syndicated comic strip “SHOE” for one thousand weeks (almost 13 years) in February of 2012, and at that time mental health professionals declared Cassatt to still be in possession of several of his marbles. His physician announced, “I feel completely comfortable in using the term, “sane-ish” to describe Mr. Cassatt’s psychological condition.”

For some time people had thrown around the phrase “idiot savant” when Cassatt’s name came up, something many felt was a reckless and unfair characterization as few could figure out where the “savant” part fit in. Thanks to extensive studies conducted at some very prestigious institutions, researchers were able to determine that “savant” referred to Cassatt’s ability to earn a living by being an idiot. “It was a real breakthrough gushed the doctors. It gave hope to idiots everywhere.”

Since then, jubilant idiots and comic strip fans across the U.S. and beyond have demanded some kind of recognition for the veteran scribbler. A “Lifetime Achievement Award” from the IDIOT HALL OF FAME had been suggested, and perhaps a bobble head.

Cassatt’s early years are shrouded in mystery. It’s known that he spent some time at Windham College in Putney Vt. to avoid becoming cannon fodder in Viet Nam. That ended abruptly when a draft lottery number was drawn that was high enough to ensure he couldn’t have gotten into the Mexican Army if he wanted to.

Leaving academia in his wake, he migrated to the Rocky Mountains to make skis created out of real barrel staves, an idea whose time had not yet come. Industry professionals now say that if he’d been willing to stick it out for several more decades this might have been the year he turned a profit!

Ultimately Chris landed a job as flyboy at The Aspen Times. He quickly rose through the ranks to become head photographer and in-house cartoonist, producing a series of toons including “Protonabus,” “Cosmo,” “Downe and Dirty,” about a man and his untidy dog, “Pizza Bones,” and “Ute Toot.” In 1976 he created his iconic character Sal A. Mander who ran for office in Aspen several times, always with the support of Hunter S. Thompson.

It was in the thin air of the high Rockies that Chris met Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist and “Mother Goose & Grimm” creator Mike Peters. Apparently clear air and clear thinking are not the same thing as they quickly became close friends. Then in 1992 Peters introduced Cassatt to the great visionary genius, editorial cartoonist, Pulitzer Prize winner and SHOE creator Jeff MacNelly, who was tiring of the grind of a daily strip and recognized both the idiot and the savant in Chris.
MacNelly brought Cassatt into the SHOE family in an effort to avoid becoming the kind of drooling nitwit that Mrs. Cassatt woke up to every morning for the next 20 years. While the gambit worked for Jeff, who remained vital and creative until his untimely passing in 2000, MacNelly’s own worst fears sadly seem to be manifest in Chris.

After Jeff’s passing, Jeff’s wife Susie MacNelly along with Chris and Gary Brookins kept “Shoe” alive. Pooling their own strange talents and a collective sense of humor that surely has Jeff laughing to this day, they have carried on a tradition that brings a moment’s respite to fans across the globe.

Chris met his beautiful wife Lauren MacDonald in the early years at the Times where she was business manager and they wed in 1974. During their 40 years together they produced two spectacular children, son Alex and daughter Hayley. Alex is a sound engineer who inherited Chris’ technological genius while Hayley is a professional artist, thus divvying up all that the Cassatt gene pool had to offer. For several years now Alex and Hayley, have been working on the technical end of “Shoe” with Chris.

“Shoe,” Lauren, Alex, Hayley and the world lost Chris on January 16 after an intense battle with lymphoma. His family was by his side constantly during the last weeks of his life.

Michael Cleverly fabricated the above buffet of half-truths and innuendo. Cleverly has been writing as Cosmo Fishhawk, creating bi-weekly packs of lies for The Tattler for the last year and a half. He attended Windham College with Chris where he was witness to many things he couldn’t include in this appreciation of his oldest friend.

Hey, great news everybody, there’s finally a new chainsaw killer movie out, I know, you were worried sick.

The chainsaw, slasher, genre began in 1974 with Tobe Hooper’s “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” Since then there have been many sequels and rip-offs, if it’s possible to “rip off” something that’s so low rent it could qualify as employee housing.

One of the great things about Tobe Hooper’s creation is that there are infinite ways of spinning the basic premise. There are plenty of slasher films that don’t even have the word “chainsaw” in the title, but have some unpleasant fellow wielding a chainsaw as a character in the film. And it doesn’t have to be a chainsaw. The Hooper film opened up an entire hardware store full of power tool possibilities. In a serious film called “The Wrestler” one combatant actually used a staple gun on the protagonist. Of course that’s sissy stuff compared to all the saws and drills out there that can do a lot more damage, anyway, they’re all Tobe’s children.

Another staple (ha, ha) of the genre is the nubile co-ed wearing as next to nothing as the rating system will allow. Now when I say co-ed that suggests that the young lady is a college student. If you’ve seen any of these movies I’m sure you’ve noticed that some of the choices these girls make aren’t great examples of college thinking. There are probably single celled animals with better self-preservation skills. The important thing is to somehow get the gals down to a skimpy bathing suit, or bra and panties as quickly as possible regardless of location or weather conditions.

Scene 12: somewhere near the North Pole – Young woman in string bikini being stalked among icebergs by deranged Eskimo with chainsaw.

Not to say that I’m complaining.

But I do have one problem. In the trailer for this latest film the bad guy is sawing his way through a chain link fence, metal piping and all. If I took my chainsaw to a chain link fence the chain would instantly be so dull that I couldn’t groom my dog with it. Maybe I could use it to shine my shoes. Where does this guy get his chains? I want one.

The best news is that the new movie is in 3D…..SPLAT!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock you’ve noticed that “reality” TV shows are big business. You also probably noticed that the biggest reality show of them all, the Republican Primaries, had a relatively short but wildly successful run.

This fact hasn’t been lost on the networks. In the eyes of television executives, dreams of ballots have been turned into dreams of dollar signs, and there’s been an overload of frenzied scheming in the dark towers of Televisionland.

While some candidates still have their day jobs, it’s obvious that they didn’t like them very much or they wouldn’t have spent so much time and energy auditioning for a new one. And the rest of these future reality stars are just plain out of work. This is a human resource person’s dream. Proven, marketable people with job skills in place just waiting for the right vehicle.

This flood of talent into the reality show job market happens to coincide with Italian mannequin manufacturer, Almax’s, introduction of its new Eyesee line. These mannequins have little cameras in their eyes that actually look back at the customer and computers that analyze the data that is gathered. “Survivor “ producer, Mark Burnett, is already pitching a show in which former candidate Mitt Romney and Texas Governor Rick Perry, both square jawed and handsome, get jobs as Eyesee dummies. The potential for hilarity is mind-boggling.

Other producers are shopping around “HERMAN CAIN and NEWT GINGRICH: MARRIAGE COUNSELORS ON THE GO,” which is being touted as a light-hearted romp into the darkest areas of people’s private lives. Industry insiders are betting big that this one will be in next fall’s lineup.

Critics are complaining that these shows will further cloud an already muddy line between “reality” and “sitcom.”

But all consider the casting of Rick Perry as a dummy a stroke of genius.

Wayne LaPierre – “Nothing stops a charging whitetail in its tracks like a LAWS (light anti-armor weapon) rocket. Makes dressing them out easier too, once you’ve found all the pieces. And as far as LAWS rockets go, the only way to stop a homicidal maniac with a LAWS rocket is citizens with LAWS rockets!” Thus the Vice President of the National Rifle Association made it pretty clear that LAWS rockets weren’t on the “reducing lethal weapons” table as far as the NRA was concerned, along with assault rifles and Sherman tanks.

Mr. LaPierre makes a big deal about “good guys” with guns. The problem is that all the “bad guys” were “good guys” in the eyes of the law, until they did that first bad thing. And if that first bad thing ends up being their first and last bad thing, and it’s a really, really bad thing, what is that? Just bad luck? Nutten you can do about that sort of thing… except give the good guys more guns and hope that they aren’t pre - “bad guys.”

Fervid NRA types are sure right down to the soles of their shoes that they have an absolute RIGHT to own any kind of murderous weapon they want. Just as they have an absolute right to buy as much alcohol as they want, pour it into themselves, and go about their business. This includes playing with the assault weapons they have an absolute right to own. If you get busted drinking and driving God help you but…blast away. Makes you lose faith in the alcohol lobby.

Members of congress are extremely careful about messing with peoples right to bear arms. They’re considerably more concerned with that than, say, peoples right to eat, have a warm place to sleep, or decent medical care. Second amendment types say that bearing arms is a right guaranteed in the Constitution, where that other stuff is, at best, just common sense.

Too bad common sense doesn’t have a rich, powerful, lobby.

Oh no, the world didn't end. What the hell are we going to do now?
This is a serious problem for the people who really thought it was all over and didn¹t make any plans past December 21. All those bills that were going to be incinerated in the conflagration will now have to be paid! Certainly not with the money spent having one last fling before THE END. And all those promises made to the Deity, they'll all be broken, no doubt sooner rather than later, and who bothered with Christmas shopping?

Sumbubby's in BIG trouble.

There are natural disasters occurring all across the globe every day. What did the people who were victims of the run of the mill, everyday, natural disaster that happened on December 21st think? "Holy peanut butter, I thought this was all BS, it's really happening, better jump out this window."

Social observers tell us one of these doomsday scenarios crops up about every ten years. A comet whose name is forgotten five minutes after it safely passes by a zillion miles away, something nasty and biblical that appeared in some crackpot version of the bible that only six people read, a plague of rats? I suppose there are infinite ways for the world to end, I'm betting on the Martians. There never seems to be a shortage of folks who can't wait to swallow this "end of the world" stuff hook line and sinker.
The fact that reporters and other inquisitive types ferreted out real life Mayan experts, and those guys said it was all nonsense doesn't seem to faze them at all, they want to believe it's over.

Could it really just be about avoiding those bills? Or giving your moral compass a little spin and not worrying about where it ended up pointing because, "what the hell?"
Whatever reasons people have for embracing the end of the world they're out of luck again.

Sorry.

You can’t blame North Koreans for not having a highly evolved appreciation of satire. They really don’t see that much of it. That’s the funny thing about totalitarian governments.

Here in the US we can crack wise and just be considered humorous, or a smart ass, and if people don’t like it we can say that Lenny Bruce died for our sins. Similar behavior in places like North Korea could well have you dying for your own sins. That doesn’t lead to curtain calls or repeat performances.

So when the American satirical paper “The Onion” named Korean leader Kim Jong Un its “Sexiest Man Alive” and the story was picked up by the North Korean media, whether people actually believed it or not, they knew they were supposed to believe it. This is in stark contrast to America, where readers with any sense at all believe nothing.

When we see a headline indicating that the head of the CIA spy agency has been busted for having an affair we say, “ha, that’s a good one” and don’t believe it for a second. “I mean if HE can’t keep something like that a secret…. ha ha.”

Or when a candidate for political office consistently contradicts statements he made months, weeks or even just days before, knowing full well that everything he’s said since he became a public figure has been documented by somebody or other, we say, “wow, this guy’s a riot. We have to remember to go see him when he plays the local comedy club.”

Obviously, both the American public and the North Korean public are confused, just in different ways. They have a problem with intentional comedy; we have a problem with unintentional comedy. It’s probably ok, as long as people get a laugh in the end. And who’s to say that Kim Jong Un isn’t the sexiest man alive?

Even though the 2012 election has been over for weeks, repercussions continue to echo throughout the land. The Confederacy has risen from its ashes and is threatening to once again secede from The Union. An NBC/Washington Post poll taken early this week shows that The Union is fine with that. A spokesman stated, “there was a lot of bloodshed last time around, terrible loss of life….there’s no reason for that sort of thing anymore. Pretty much everyone feels that if they want to go, let them. We’re a nation of immigrants and people are free to de-immigrate.” Bumper stickers expressing the sentiment… AND DON’T LET ELLIS ISLAND HIT YOU ON THE ASS ON YOUR WAY OUT are cropping up in liberal enclaves like New York City. “A lot of folks hope they go to Afghanistan... they’d probably get along just fine with the Taliban.”

The Taliban couldn’t be reached for comment.

It’s not just toothless, single digit IQ citizens of red states that want out, several high profile businessmen have expressed extreme displeasure at the re-election of the President.

Coal baron Robert Murray and pizza tycoon “Papa John” Schnatter are both so mad as to be spitting nails (presumably a new topping) over President Obama’s victory.

Murray, CEO of Murray Energy, shut down his operations on the day of a Mitt Romney visit thus depriving his employees of that day’s pay. Murray claims that the event was mandatory but employees weren’t forced to attend. Murray Energy gained notoriety during the Crandall Canyon Mine collapse. Despite the disaster, Murray described a number of safety violations that were sited there as “trivial,” while his Galatia mine was sited for 3,500 violations in a span of 2 1/2 years.

On Nov. 9th Murray fired 156 workers citing “Obama’s war of coal” as the reason. Murray and Schnatter agreed that punishing their own employees was a perfectly reasonable response to the Obama win, “We’re sure that some of those twerps voted for him,” observed “Papa John.”

Schnatter, who lives in a forty thousand square foot house with a twenty-two-car garage, claims that many “Papa John’s” franchises will have to cut back on employee hours to avoid paying for their healthcare, “We may have to raise the price of a pizza by fourteen cents.”

Murray lamented, “the only hope for coal under another Obama administration may be to find a way for it to get you high and then open smoking lounges in Colorado and Washington State where it’s apparently now legal to smoke whatever you want.”

Women all over America and perhaps the world are breathing a sigh of vindication over the General Petraeus “affair.” In an exclusive interview, self described “trailer trash” Charlene Leonard explained, “if a woman with Paula Broadwell’s education, looks and accomplishments can go all “psycho bitch” and send nasty emails to a perceived rival, then low rent skanks with a third grade education, like myself, who have been doing that sort of thing for years end up being in some pretty good company!”

Ms. Leonard went on, “all women are sisters and for someone like that vile Kelly woman (the recipient of Ms. Broadwell’s unpleasant emails) to be, maybe, trying to steal another woman’s man, Paula’s man, Hmmm… oh well, never mind, whatever. I’d still be happy to punch that scheming vixen into the next time zone for sister Paula.

Jill Kelly, a Tampa area socialite, who was apparently of the opinion that the US military and the FBI were working for her, stated, “I didn’t do anything that entitled, wealthy women haven’t been doing forever. It was, is, and forever will be about ME!””

The only thing more disturbing than the female penchant for irrational behavior is the male penchant for irrational behavior. Particularly when one considers the fact that the female’s irrational behavior is usually a response to some male’s irrational behavior.
Randy Bowlton, Director of the Institute For Social Research, commented. “Two-bit philanderers come from all walks of life. Except when you’re a general and you get to be a four-bit philanderer. Elected officials are one bit philanderers. Which maths out to twelve and a half cents.”

The entire nation is breathing a sigh of relief following the re-election of President Obama, as Democrats and Republicans embrace and come together in a spirit of unity and cooperation…

In a post election interview House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell vowed to do everything in their power to prevent President Obama from being elected to a third term. “We’ve got four years to strategize, I think we can get it right this time,” Boehner pledged. McConnell added, “it’s true that the Koch brothers weren’t able to buy the Presidency in 2012 and they’re very disappointed, but they’ll be back. They’ve learned a lot and starting today they’re buying the 2016 election on the layaway plan. A few hundred million every month for the next four years and by Election Day it will just be a matter of gift-wrapping the thing.

When Hilary Clinton was enlightened as to the Republican’s newest tactic she commented, “I hope it ends up being Jeb Bush! I want to bitch slap that twerp so bad.” Later she indicated that she’d be thrilled to bitch slap whomever they throw at her, “and if those Koch boys would like to come around in person...”

Boehner and McConnell claimed that they weren’t worried about Clinton’s storied martial arts skills. Boehner explained, “The Republican party will spend the next four years broadening its voter base. Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck have been cruising Central Park hand in hand in the hope of attracting “alternate lifestyle” voters, and Mitch and I have both started taking birth control pills.”

Confidential sources inside New York’s City Hall have leaked to the Tattler that the real reason for Mayor Bloomberg’s cancellation of the New York Marathon had nothing to do with growing outrage and public pressure. “Michael’s rich, what does he care what people think, he loves the Marathon,” exclaimed one high-ranking city official. “But the public safety issues that came to light on Thursday couldn’t be ignored.”

“It’s the gators! Not just gators and crocks, but every creature that’s ever been flushed down New York City toilets, breeding beneath the streets. These critters have now been flushed out by the storm and are on street level looking for a meal.” Our source went on to say that it became clear to the Mayor that while storm victims are hunkered down waiting for aid, hundreds of lean muscular runners streaming through the boroughs of New York would have represented a moveable feast for the hungry predators. “We’ve had reports of great whites, albino crocks, up to thirty feet long. Try to out run that sucka!” Nervously looking over his shoulder he continued, “And the snakes! They’ve had an unlimited supply of sewer rats to feed on all their lives and have grown to unnatural sizes. The city is a much more pleasant place for these animals to live and breed than their natural habitats.”

This is clearly not the sort of news the mayor wants made public but there are folks within his administration who feel people have a right to know.

“We’ve contracted with alligator hunters from several reality shows based in the south and we can only hope they work fast and don’t draw too much attention to themselves. We’ve strictly forbidden them from having gator BBQ’s in Central Park.”

The city has also commissioned Mario Batali, the chef famous for using exotic ingredients, to create recipes using the critters. “We figure if we can create a demand among Mario’s food snob fans it will completely reverse the predator/prey dynamic and the monsters won’t stand a chance.”

Officials at the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) have taken unprecedented steps to rename Hurricane Sandy, Hurricane Bulls**t. This comes after post hurricane studies have concluded that the disastrous storm was actually created by hot air emanating from political candidates.

Wayne Bing, chief researcher at the NOAA explained. “Huge volumes of hot air flowing north from the battleground state of Florida and even larger volumes of hot air streaming east from Ohio and other western battleground states collided with the naturally cool, seasonal air in the northeast to create a hellish vortex of lies and fall foliage. It was a perfect bulls**t storm and America paid the price.”

Ironically, the effect the storm of bulls**t had was the opposite effect of what the candidates had hoped for. High winds, rain and snow forced early voting polls to close so that befuddled voters who had actually believed the sputum inflicted on them during the course of this year’s campaign were unable to cast ballots, thus giving them extra time to sort through the storm surge of half truths and misrepresentations.

Leaders from both parties lamented that early voting was becoming increasingly important every election cycle, and for the polls to be closed put everyone at a disadvantage. “They hope that anxiety ridden voters will go out and vote for just anybody in a fit of frustration, thus leveling the playing field. Simply getting it over with being the prime motivation.

I think both sides are terrified of a truly informed electorate,” explained Randall Bowlton of the Voter Research Bureau. Bowlton went on, “the Bureau is suggesting that in the future ballots have a space following the traditional “OTHER” with a space to write in someone not on the ballot, with “ABSOLUTLY ANYONE ELSE” for those not pleased with the choices presented on the ballot but no idea of who to write in.

This would also negate the advantage for candidates who legally change their names to “OTHER” just before the election.

The new trend among pet lovers of installing special doggie restraints in their vehicles to protect Fido in case of a crash has been slowed by independent laboratory tests that have shown the devices to be useless. In some cases the crash test dummy dogs were (hypothetically) injured by the restraints themselves.

Leonard Charles, President of the National Institute of BS Pet Products (NIBSPP) commented, “The animals being restrained in the back seat and not crawling all over the driver is where the real value comes in.”

This is a workable theory if the pet owner is someone who would be less distracted by the dog screaming in the back because it’s been strapped into something resembling a parachute harness rather than having the animal snuggle up next to him/her in the front.

Further studies on this subject, made by the Republican National Committee, have concluded that the absolute safest place for Rover is the roof of the vehicle. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus noted. “A simple ski rack or, if you want pooch to go first class, a Thule baggage carrier is really all you need to insure your pet’s safety and comfort.”

If the pet owner is using a ski rack, special doggie ski boots can be purchased that will fit most safety bindings to guarantee a pleasurable travel experience for your pet and quick release following most crashes.

For those opting for the baggage carrier, drilling ventilation holes is recommended.
The RNC’s chief researcher couldn’t be reached for comment due to campaign obligations.

Following President Obama’s lackluster performance in the first of the three Presidential debates, White House Spokesman Jay Carney has announced that the chair Clint Eastwood railed at in his speech at the Republican convention will be filling in for the President for the second debate. “All things considered, we feel that the chair scored more points against Eastwood than the President did with Governor Romney.”

Currently, teams of front men from the DNC are scouring furniture rental warehouses in Tampa Bay looking for the exact chair that Eastwood used in his performance. Carney continued, “That particular chair had a great deal of stage presence, poise and, frankly, good looks. We think that with talent like that we can turn this thing around.”

The “chair” was essentially a “surrogate” for an “imaginary” President Obama making it twice removed from the president himself. “Truthfully we’d be happier with a full six degrees of separation but if this is the best we can do, we gotta roll with it,” Carney explained.

Eastwood supposedly won the debate with the chair and Governor Romney emerging victorious at last Wednesday’s event, those advising the president are beginning to get a little edgy. “We’re thinking of bringing in Schwarzenegger. Maybe some his charm and winning attitude will rub off,” referring to the actor/politician’s appearance on “60 MINUTES” touting his autobiography. He admitted that the book was causing ex-wife Maria Shriver and his children enormous pain but “what the hell, lets put it out there anyway.”

The President’s only response when confronted with the debacle-ness of the situation was to indicate that Wednesday had been the worst wedding anniversary he and Michelle had celebrated in twenty years of marriage… “and I didn’t like the way my wife was looking at Mitt with those hungry eyes.”

So if, OK… when I finally keel over and if there’s some kind of memorial service and people actually show up, I want you to make it perfectly clear to those assembled that I liked my Facebook friends best. My Facebook friends have never ever disappointed me. It’s not that my flesh and blood friends go around disappointing me… they don’t. They’re great but my Facebook friends are pitching a perfect game and you can’t beat that.

The reason for this is that I don’t expect a thing from my FB “friends". Maybe an occasional “like”… that’s it, the bar’s pretty low. If I have a couple hundred friends and I post a gorgeous picture of some fall scenery and I get 10 “likes”, that’s the standard, I should never expect any more than 10 “likes” no matter what I post. With the possible exception of an announcement of a lottery win and an accompanying query as to whether anyone needs a loan. I can see myself getting a few more “likes” in a situation like that.

Facebook friends don’t know what you really look like. They only know the pictures you’ve posted that you’ve gleaned from every picture ever taken of yourself. And of course, as a public service, you selected ones from when you were 200 lbs lighter and still had teeth and hair. That goes both ways I think, unless there actually are middle-aged women out there who haven’t been photographed since college and don’t have much to choose from.

Your FB friends think you live in a really cute house. They’ve never seen pictures of the things your cats hock up in corners, waiting to be discovered by being stepped in while barefoot. And you’ve never documented and posted pictures of the rotting garbage piled up everywhere except in the direct route from the couch to the refrigerator where the beer is.

And there’s absolutely no reason for your Facebook friends to doubt that you’re an Aspen ski instructor in the winter and a marine biologist in the South Pacific in the summer.

Colorado’s Governor John Hickenlooper has joined with the governors of other key “battleground” states in announcing that the economies of those states have ground to a complete halt producing zero growth and commerce. Hickenlooper, the spokesman for the group, explained that the ubiquitous political ads on television and radio have made it impossible for anyone else to buy airtime to sell their products. “Everyone from the big automakers to small mom and pop advertisers have been pushed aside to make room for 24 hours a day of candidates screeching at each other” the Governor moaned. “Consumers, from the most enthusiastic to the lackadaisical are wandering the streets, zombie like, not knowing what to purchase… not consuming.”

With the news being dominated by campaign coverage and late night talk, funnymen being constantly provided with fodder in the form of idiotic remarks coming from the candidates, there’s a logjam of political carping. “There’s no room for anything else.” Hickenlooper lamented, “No one in Colorado knows that Apple has come out with a new iPhone or that we have some sort of go-cart on Mars! Peyton Manning could be giving away free money in downtown Denver and no one would show up because we wouldn’t be able to get the word out.”

In a random man-on-the-street interview Canadian Wayne Bing responded, “It doesn’t work that way up north. We just have a couple weeks of snowball fights and it’s over. Whoever’s left wins. It’s kind of a last man standing deal.” His fetching companion, Randita Boltenez who hails from Acapulco explained, “That last man standing thing is the same in Mexican elections. Except that the last man standing is the one who hasn’t been killed by the drug cartels.”

As the endlessly long presidential campaign lurches towards the finish line, this week produced several moments of unexpected candor. The magazine “Mother Jones” released a transcript of some off-the-cuff remarks by candidate Mitt Romney in which he states that 47% of Americans are freeloading losers, thus suggesting that 140 million of us spend our time sitting around waiting for the government to brush our teeth and change our diapers.

On the other side of the aisle insiders are leaking an Obama plan to name Romney as ambassador to Libya.

Candidate Romney, in a continuation of the “charm offensive” he began in London during the Olympics, stated that all worthless, lazy, Democrats can think about is food, shelter and healthcare. One Romney aide quipped, “Mitt will never change these bums' minds, he’s writing them off and sticking with the ‘which home will I spend Christmas in and should I get the jet repainted?’ crowd.”

President Obama countered that he didn’t particularly care what color people painted their private jets but felt strongly that it’s nice if folks can be home for Christmas and that it was sad that they can only be in one of their six or so homes at a time. The Romney camp shot back that the President’s statement was exactly the sort of thing an un-American, commie rat bastard might say.

Obama retorted that to say that 47% of Americans don’t pay taxes “would be like saying that multi millionaire Romney has been paying the same percentage in income taxes as an individual making less than $33,000 per year. Oh wait, he is…. my bad.”
Romney fumed, “Anyone who keeps his money in banks in the continental United States is probably a terrorist!”

Thus the enlightened debate on the issues continues.

The scientific community piqued the interest of men all over the world this week when it was announced that vitamin D might prove to be a remedy for baldness. In laboratory studies, scientists have been able to grow human hair on bald mice, an achievement that looks exactly as disgusting as it sounds. If research proves successful, men will no longer be walking into barbershops hoping to get the “Matt Lauer,” and come out with the “Benito Mussolini.”

The current shaved head fashion trend has been a blessing for the folliclely challenged. For those who are willing to embrace baldness, life is good. Everyone else will be shampooing with salmon fat until a commercial product becomes available.

Fish oils and other fish products are an excellent source of vitamin D as is milk and, of course, the reasonably priced sunshine.

Unfortunately some people are lactose intolerant and, stranger still, some men’s life partners don’t fancy them smelling like dead fish 24 hours a day. This leaves sunshine as a viable option and pharmaceutical companies are scrambling to patent the potential hair growing miracle drug. The manufactures of Viagra and Cialis have both send legions of lawyers on the march. “It’s un-American that something with this kind of market potential should be free,” raged Pfizer spokesman Randi Bing.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that if sunshine cured baldness, no one would be bald, the major players in the drug industry are coming close to having a psychotic break over possible lost profits due to the “free sun” issue. Industry observers are suggesting that their sensitivity could be attributed to a misplaced reaction to the current aspirin situation. Bing raged that with all new benefits being attributed to the common aspirin, “If the world made any sense we’d be able to start charging $100 per tablet. Where’s the fairness? God, what a headache.” At which point he chewed down an entire bottle of Tylenol.

The lifespan of the average songbird, if it avoids predation and disease, can be six years; often they only last a couple. A domesticated parrot can live as long as eighty. The characters in SHOE are usually lumped in with birds that don’t look both ways before crossing the street.

A joint statement released by The Massachusetts Institute of Technology and Cal Tech’s research centers announced that the birds in SHOE at thirty-five, “represent the most egregious example of arrested development” that the scientists have ever encountered. Head of research Randall Bowlton stated, “Usually after thirty-five years an organism will show some brain development. SHOE is one for the books.”

In dog years the wildly popular comic strip would be two hundred and forty-five. Interviewed by a journalist who wishes to remain anonymous for career saving reasons, Treetops Tattler editor P. Martin Shoemaker took issue with being measured in dog years. “We’re the birds who make the newspapers the idiot dogs fetch. You tell me who’s farther up the chain?” When asked what chain he was talking about Shoemaker put his cigar out in the interviewer’s Red Bull.

During the research for this article other SHOE characters either didn’t return phone calls, emails and texts, or issued press releases claiming to be out of town. Shoemaker explained, “They do fly south you know and then north, east and west, depending on their level of confusion. They’re birds… they have the bird brains.”

A celebration said to be rivaling the Queen’s Jubilee is slated for September 12. It will be held in Chimbote, Peru.

Everyone who can fly south is invited.

The weather has been an unwanted guest at both political conventions this political/hurricane season.

In Tampa, Republicans were forced to cancel the entire first day of their festivities due to hurricane Isaac. The final evening of the Democrat’s shindig in Charlotte had to be moved from a large outdoor venue back to the convention hall that was the home to the first two days of celebration and hippie kumbaya love hugs.

The Democrats had given out 60,000 complimentary stadium tickets to eager freeloaders, a characterization that pretty much describes everyone in the Democratic Party. The deeply disappointed celebrants were forced to go home and wait for their next welfare check or clutter up busy hospitals looking for cut rate medical care.

The state of Mississippi was an innocent bystander in all the politicking but didn’t escape some sort of biblical wrath, with Isaac turning up on the exact anniversary of hurricane Katrina’s arrival. A day later as many as 20,000 dead and bloating swamp rats began to float ashore, turning many areas into a fetid miasma.

In Charlotte, spirits were further dampened when it became clear that the traditional finale to these events, the balloon drop, had been set up in the stadium. There was serious doubt if more balloons could be found and rigged for a drop in the convention hall.

In a heartwarming gesture of bi-partisanship, Mississippi’s Republican Governor Phil Bryant has offered the swamp rats to the DNC. “They could drop the rats instead of balloons and afterwards hand them out to the poor instead of this month's ration of food stamps,” Bryant suggested. “It’s a win-win.”

When news of the plan reached candidate Romney he was said to have grinned from ear to ear and commented, “Now that’s what I’m talking about.”

Hollywood powerhouse Clint Eastwood and his imaginary friend Barak Obama thrilled RNC convention goers Thursday night. In a post speech interview Eastwood observed that he felt his “imaginary friend” theme dovetailed perfectly with the Republican Party’s “imaginary facts” approach to this year's campaign. “It’s this kind of consistency that’s bound to win over the all important undecided voters as well as female voters who hate women,” the film legend enthused.

Later in the evening, in some off the cuff comments at one of Tampa’s finer pole bars, the imaginary Obama agreed. “I think the whole thing went very well for both Clint and Mitt. I had no idea I’d be there tonight until I suddenly appeared after Clint smoked something that didn’t look like a Marlboro. Come what may, it was fascinating, like a glimpse into the opposing team’s locker room.” The imaginary President went on, “the Clintster (that’s what he told me to call him) also said that he was sick of casting Morgan Freeman every five minutes and that after leaving office I could very well have a future as an imaginary actor.”

Some Democrats who were interviewed felt betrayed. “We thought he was one of us,” complained a clearly agitated Wayne Bing, who later admitted to being a Canadian. “I guess we should have seen it coming when he did an entire movie about J. Edgar Hoover and didn’t show Leo DiCaperio wearing a dress once! What’s up with that?”

Rep. Todd Akin took a bite out of a size 10 Tom McCann penny loafer before he responded, “First you get used to the taste, and then you really begin to like it. It’s kinda like fine wine… or crow!”

Akin, running for a seat in the US Senate, went on to try to explain his propagation of a medical myth that no half-bright third grader would believe. “When the Easter Bunny told me that, he was wearing scrubs and had a stethoscope around his neck, it seemed credible enough to me.” The candidate went on, “Listen, that line worked great in college (St. Lucy’s School of Perpetual Ignorance). If I had a dollar for every time I told a gal, “don’t worry honey, it’ll be ok… just concentrate and you won’t get pregnant, I’d have enough dough to finance my campaign.”

The phrase, “jumping ship” scarcely begins to describe the response of Akin’s fellow Republicans to his stunning, now infamous, brain fart. Everyone from Mitt Romney to Karl Rove has called on Akin to quit his Senate race and go back to medical school. “With a few more facts at his disposal, we think Todd will have a lot to give to the healthcare industry,” Newt Gingrich suggested.

Not all lawmakers are down on Akin. Insiders are saying that Rep. Kevin Yoder (R) Kansas, has had a large bouquet of roses and a box of Fanny Farmer chocolates delivered to Akin’s Missouri campaign headquarters. A Yoder aide quipped, “Todd’s timing couldn’t have been better for us. I mean, how do you take the spotlight off a drunken congressman skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee?”

Congressman Yoder’s unfortunate lapse of decorum occurred during a junket sponsored by a group promoting US/Israel relations. Galilee, the sea that scripture tells us is where Jesus walked on water, is not the usual place for spring break type high jinks. A Galilee lifeguard who identified himself as Ari stipulated that there’s nothing especially illegal in swimming in the buff, but Yoder’s escapade has given birth to a new Galilee water sport. “Now everyone’s trying to walk on water. No one really wants to immerse themselves in a body of water where a United States Congressman went swimming “commando.”

Not to be upstaged by Mitt Romney’s announcement of Paul Ryan as his running mate, President Obama today announced that Joe Biden would be the number two man on the Democratic ticket. Biden, a former U.S. Senator, has lived in relative obscurity for the past few years, except for occasionally making headlines with now famous quotes such as, “S**t, was the microphone on just then?”

Biden said that he’s honored by his selection and is looking forward to the White House sending over some sort of job description for him to look at. “ I think it has something to do with going to state funerals the president wants to avoid. I’m sure I’ll be up to the task.” Biden pledged.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton observed, “I couldn’t be more excited by the choice. Being Vice President of the United States is an unbelievably demanding job and one I frankly wouldn’t take on. Whatshisname, the last guy, was really great and Joe’s got some big shoes to fill. I’m very much looking forward to seeing Joe more often… where’s he been?”

Some political pundits are questioning the choice citing Biden’s lack of name recognition as a potential problem. News anchor, Randall Bing suggested, “It’s always good to have a man who knows his way around Washington. There’s a lot of inside baseball and it takes a long time for a relative unknown to come up to speed.”

When asked, were he to win a second term, if he was contemplating any shake up in his cabinet, President Obama snapped, “well, there’s nothing wrong with changing the ducks in the shooting gallery once in a while. Some of these folks are pretty dinged up…and Romney’s making this “private sector” stuff look very attractive!”

Mitt Romney’s selection of Congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate in this 2012 campaign marks a total about face in the GOP’s philosophy of what it takes to get the big guy elected. Ryan’s credentials as a conservative are indisputable, unlike Romney, who is often viewed as a double talking huckster by those in both parties. Also Ryan is said to have a functioning personality, unlike the supercilious, weasel, rich guy, perception many people have of the man at the top of the ticket.

In other words, Ryan may actually be less of a jerk than his running mate… of course, we have to give him some time. All this is in total contrast to John McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin four years ago. Holy Nutjobs Batman, the train’s jumped the tracks and is heading for the convention at top speed.

At the time Governor Romney made his VP choice, 38% of Americans had never heard of Paul Ryan. This is a considerable improvement over the huge percentage of Americans who had no idea who Sarah Palin was at the time of her selection but much lower than the percentage of Americans who currently wish they had never heard of her.

Ryan is the architect of the Republican plan to kill Medicare but if there were any Democrats out there who thought that there was going to be a Republican who wasn’t planning to kill Medicare, they’d better hope that Medicare covers the extended stay in a mental health facility that’s going to be their next stop.

Now that the big announcement’s been made, the current speculation is whether Ryan will follow the “Palin Precedent.” Will he quit his job? Will there be a book tour? Does he have daughters and are they knocked up? Will he be booked on “Dancing With The Stars” this season, or next?

Palin thought it was great fun to put a bullet in an elk. Ryan catches giant catfish with his bare hands. What’s not to like?

The question of what super Olympian Michael Phelps will do following a stellar career in the pool has been answered. A spokesman for Sean (Puff Daddy, Diddy, P Diddy) Combs has confirmed that Phelps will be embarking on a post-swimming career in rap.

BAD BOY RECORDS has announced that the Olympic hero has been signed to a multi-record deal and will be marrying both Mary J. Blige and Jennifer Lopez within the year, but not necessarily in that order. “I’m so excited, I’m having my Olympic medals fashioned into hubcaps for my fleet of Cadillac Escalades,” the greatest Olympian of all time gushed.

Prior to signing what is said to be a seven figure record deal, Mr. Phelps admitted to a preference for vintage Judy Garland and Doris Day tunes. “I loved those gals, but it’s time to move on. Diddy is spending a lot of time working on my blackatude,” the gilled one enthused. He then broke into an a cappella rap rendition of “Over the Rainbow” followed by the Doris Day classic, “Secret Love.”

At this point Bob Costas’ eyes fluttered open and he sat bolt upright in bed. Sweating profusely he shook his head, “Gawd, that was the worse nightmare I’ve ever had, I may never sleep again!”

Responding to pounding on the door of his suite, Costas was faced with former swimming great Rowdy Gaines, “I heard screaming, what’s wrong Bob? Gaines was clearly concerned.

Costas, while obviously shaken, managed a smile, “Lets have a Dr. Pepper, I’m going to tell you about this dream I had.”

So far the XXX Olympiad has been going pretty smoothly. The United States and China, the obvious big deal countries with two of the largest populations are, predictably, neck and neck in the medal count. Hell bent for leather “work ethic” Japan is third at this point.

Every Olympics has to have a little controversy, sometimes large, sometimes trivial. This year started out with a couple of athletes getting the boot for behavior unrelated to their sports. They were thrown out of the games for sending out tasteless and offensive tweets. Lets hope that these are the last people on planet Earth who don’t know that when you put something on the internet for someone, you’ve sent it to everyone.

On a larger scale, the badminton teams from three countries were kicked out for sandbagging - intentionally trying to lose matches to gain a tactical advantage down the road. The only people who were more shocked by this than the people who didn’t know that badminton was an Olympic sport, were the people who didn’t know that badminton was a sport.

This statement is, of course, offensive to those nations where badminton is a big deal and the host country of Great Britain happens to be one of them. It seems that the guilty teams lack of effort was so transparent that blind corgis in the bleachers were booing. Obviously some countries have a lot to learn about being sneaky. Unfortunately, the countries that could give them some instruction in this area are sufficiently sneaky that we don’t know who they are.

In an act of contrition, the Chinese team and their coach apologized on Chinese television. In the spirit of forgiveness that the Chinese government is known for, team members have been allowed to keep their uniforms. In fact, officials are insisting that they wear them instead of HAZMAT suits in their new jobs cleaning up toxic waste sites.

When the breakup of Tom Cruise and Katie Holms was announced, shockwaves were sent around the entire planet and the media has fixated on every aspect of the story since then. This has saved journalists from the tedium of covering a civil war in Syria, a huge election in Egypt, the collapse of the world financial system, and a giant sea monster off the coast of Japan.

While Mr. Cruise has kept an extremely low profile, frustrating pretty much everyone but the sea monster, Ms. Holms and daughter Suri have been more accessible. Making no effort to avoid paparazzi, the two have been captured bouncing around New York City doing regular mom and little kid stuff.

An effort by Holms and Cruise to quell the media frenzy surrounding young Suri was, by Hollywood standards, an unacceptable episode of rational behavior. The parents reached a mutual agreement regarding the details of the divorce in a matter of days. This resulted in a tsunami of outraged opinion pieces by irate journalists who were forced to go back to covering, “news.” “Who the hell do these people think they are?” fumed one Hollywood columnist on assignment in New York. “The bartenders here are just now remembering my name.”

Having been offered massive amounts of cash for an interview by every sleazy facet of the media, Ms. Holms and Ms. Cruise reached out to The Tattler. “The Treetops Tattler has been Suri’s favorite for years” explained Ms. Holms. Little Suri came right to the point, “Fishhawk and Shoemaker are my peeps.” Thus we were granted an exclusive interview with the child at the center of the maelstrom.

Tattler: Suri, how do you feel about all the attention you’ve been getting?

Suri: At first, the crush of photographers and all the flashbulbs terrified me. Then I realized that they were just scuzzballs with the IQs of paramecium who were trying to cash in big by getting pictures of a child. This type of vermin panders to the lowest denominators of our culture... people with no lives of their own who live vicariously through the objects of their fantasies.

T: So what’s your favorite flavor ice cream?

S: Strawberry.

On the political front, headlines at this stage in the Presidential campaign are reading something like this, “ROMNEY OUT RAISES OBAMA 3 TO 1 IN JUNE.”

Every day there’s new super PAC news, including a nascent lesbian super PAC, and hopefully soon, a comic strip writers super PAC. There are the Hollywood fundraisers, and for not-so-comic relief, the assorted billionaires who make headlines by throwing truckloads of money at their favorite candidate.

These people donate lots of money they’ll never miss to promote their own self-interests and think we should shut up and “just say thank you.” People who make tax-deductible charitable donations are also pretty sure the rest of us owe them piles of gratitude and should stop griping.

The question is, what’s up with this cynical flaw in the American character that has people thinking that it’s all about the money? What’s wrong with you? Do you actually think that the person with the most money will become President? You disgust me! This is a democracy. We had founding fathers and everything. They wrote a Constitution, a bill of rights and… what? Not the kind of bill you’re used to? More familiar with the other kind.

Don’t worry… some special interest group will be waving The Bill of Rights in your face soon enough, to justify some kind of extreme BS or another. But the point is that in a democracy the best man, a good and decent man with the best ideas and high moral fiber, will become president. What? Can’t find one to run? They’re out there somewhere... they just don’t have super PACs behind them.

The good news is that before long everyone in America will be part of a super PAC. Super PAC affiliation will replace voting as the way we choose people for office. No more trudging down to the polls, possibly crowded, possibly in bad weather, with flawed technology and hanging chads. All that will be a thing of the past. Just join the super PAC of your choice, get out your checkbook, write them a fat one, sit back in your easy chair, turn on the TV and watch the best man win.

What, no dough to spew into a super PAC? Well, be grateful that there are people with plenty of money who’ll do that for you. No, not “for you” in the sense that they’ll ask you who you want for this office and then donate to that candidate in your name. They’ll do it “for you” in the sense that they’ll throw their money at their candidate and buy his way into office. And of course, you should be grateful.

Thanks rich guys!

In a statement carried in the ethers, emanating from the highest spire of Trump Tower, pompous billionaire Donald Trump pledged, “I will find the rest of him.”

Referring to the announcement of the discovery of the so-called “God Particle,” Trump went on, “If anyone can find the Deity, my boys can.” The Donald will be utilizing the same team of crack investigators that he used to prove that President Obama’s birth certificate was printed on paper made in Kenya with ink manufactured in Iran. “Now that I’ve categorically proven that Barak Hussein Obama is not an American, I can go on to fry bigger fish! And that fish is GOD.”

Operating under the assumption that where there is one particle of something, there must be a whole lot more somewhere, Mr. Trump is confidant, “maybe he’s just been out of town.” Trump spiritual advisor, Jerry Falwell, feels Trump is the man for the job. “Anyone who builds a Byzantine, gold skyscraper in midtown Manhattan in the 20th century is my first choice to locate a misplaced Supreme Being. God is obviously leaving a trail and this particle is the first breadcrumb.”

While the scientific community totally resists any theological implications associated with the Higgs boson particle, religious leaders are miffed that it took the largest machine ever created to find the smallest thing known to man... to prove something they assumed they knew all along. Which, in fact, has nothing at all to do with physics or the now famous particle.

News anchors around the globe are scrambling to figure out how to explain the earthshaking discovery in layman’s terms. With the exception of Hollywood show business reporters who are finding it useful in describing the size of the brains of Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton and a few Kardashians.

Advocates of string theory are trying to assess how the discovery affects them. But since only six people really understand string theory, no one cares.

In an interview conducted in the vegetable department at a Brattleboro, Vt. Whole Foods, broccoli is crying foul. “Broccoli is completely non-partisan,” the vegetable that looks likes little trees moaned, “broccoli is blameless.”

Ever since Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia compared the “individual mandate” aspect of President Obama’s health care plan to the government forcing people to buy broccoli, the vegetable feels it has been getting a bum rap. “Lots of people love broccoli, other people eat it because their moms won’t let them have dessert unless they finish their veggies, either way broccoli is not a tax!”

Having heretofore led a quiet life, traveling from supermarket shelves to dinner
tables, the modest, unassuming vegetable (loaded with vitamins) is clearly not used to the rough and tumble life of Washington politics. “This Scalia comment has Republicans all over the country taking the broccoli pledge. It’s making life worse than being overcooked and mushy.”

While Republican lawmakers are quoting Justice Scalia right and left, but mostly right, liberals across the nation who had formerly championed the wholesome food are currently shunning the vegetable. One recovering hippie who asked not to be identified ranted, “Did you know Rush Limbaugh drenches his broccoli in hot fudge? I rest my case. You want a hit of this?”

Wayne Bing, President of The American Council For The Advancement Of Broccoli (ACAB), described himself as “devastated." “The sight of John Boehner in that foam broccoli hat (in the manner of Green Bay Packers cheeseheads) is still keeping me up at night.”

Word from inside The Beltway is that the novelty hats, which have actually been impregnated with the odor of cooking broccoli, will soon be issued to every Republican member of congress and will be worn until “Obamacare” goes down in flames.

In a statement issued from a "Hedonism" resort somewhere in the South China Sea, respected political analyst John Stewart observed, “You can’t tell where the hat ends and Mitch McConnell begins.”

The Tattler caught up with Treetop‘s favorite son in a dingy bistro several blocks from the United States Capitol building. There, Senator Belfry sat in a booth in the back of the room, shrouded in darkness. The Senator had reluctantly agreed to talk on the record regarding some ethics issues that have recently come to light and got right to the point.

“If you’re not an insider it’s not insider trading, it’s just trading.” The Senator’s opening gambit was impressive. “Those Wall St. bigwigs are insiders. Martha Stewart is an insider. Once you run for office and are elected your not an insider, can’t be done son, you’re a member of Congress.” While the Senator fashioned his cocktail napkin into an origami effigy of a Rolls Royce “Phantom” he continued. “If I vote for legislation that makes a company stronger, it benefits everyone who holds stock in that company, not just me. I can’t control what information comes across my desk. That information and how I move my money around are two completely different things. My investments are extremely diverse. For instance, I just purchased the small Eastern European nation of Moronia as a vacation retreat. It was one of those tiny countries that, after the collapse of the Soviet Union, had no interest in revisiting its ethnic heritage or in self-determination. Moronians are basically a lazy people and I picked the place up for a song. Now, that ain’t insider stuff, but it’s deductible, ha ha.”

Straying far enough from the point that the Hubble space telescope wouldn’t be able to locate it, Belfry continued; “There’s no sugarcoating the harsh winters in Moronia, and of course, there are the vampires. But summers there are beautiful, with the peasant girls lazing in the fields instead of working. Remarkably, they all bear a striking resemblance to K. D. Lang…it’s a “guy” paradise. I’m changing the name of the place to BELFRYDISTAN, and I’m going to be “Emperor Emeritus.”

“Naturally, I’m going to retain my Senate seat. And if you ever want some stock tips, well… maybe you could snap up one of those little countries while they last. I’m told that a lot of my colleagues are looking.”

In a display of bi-partisanship so stunning that it has literally taken the breath away from pollsters and pundits across the entire political spectrum, Democrats and Republicans have joined hands and agreed to make Cinco de Mayo and The Day of the Dead national holidays. They will be Federal and bank holidays with schools and post offices being shut down for both occasions.

The move, wholeheartedly supported by President Obama and Governor Romney, has some cynics suggesting that it might have something to do with the Hispanic vote. The candidates vehemently deny the accusation labeling it “beyond absurd.”

At a Rose Garden press conference, Press Secretary Jay Carney was clearly offended by suggestions that the move was politically motivated. “This is for all of the American people. Now they can wear those Halloween costumes TWICE a year!” While on the stump in Chippewa Falls Governor Romney enthused, “My father fought in the Mexican revolution. Hell, I’m a Mexican!” “I mean, you know, in spirit. At least I wasn’t born in Hawaii.”

In a statement issued from just outside the gates of hell, Karl Rove indicated he was thrilled that “those stinking Commie, Democrats could finally agree with real Americans on at least one thing.” He went on, “I think people from Latin countries are fine Americans and a vote for Mitt Romney is a sure path to citizenship.”

Teaparty spokesman Leonard Charles stated that, “There’s nothing wrong with a good holiday, as long as we don’t have to start paying those of Hispanic descent minimum wage. And if they even think about joining a union, they’re outa here!”

In a man on the street interview conducted in the city of Oaxaca, Randita Boltonez declared, “I’m planning on spending Cinco de Mayo, the Day of the Dead and Election Day in the United States this year, possibly in Chippewa Falls. I’ll be happy to vote, as many times as Karl Rove is willing to pay me to, even though I just love my new assault rifle that Eric Holder gave me.”

You’ve been watching TV all your life and right from the beginning there’ve been ads that you hated so much you’ve wanted whomever created them to go straight to hell and burn there for eternity. Bad news is they didn’t go to hell, they got a raise and are now working for the Democrats and the Republicans.

With the two presumptive candidates now in place the 2012 campaign season is in full swing. What? You say it seems that campaign season has been in full swing for many long months? Ha, joke’s on you. Buckle your seat belt and grab the remote, don’t press that MUTE button too hard. You can wear it out.

Tired of pictures of the President of the United States looking like a chump? Tired of images of a respected former governor looking like a supercilious preppy? Move to the Balkans and watch TV there.

Remember record players? Sometimes, the record would get scratched and it would “skip,”when you tried to play it, repeating the same note over and over again? Remember how that drove you crazy? So that’s why that continuous loop in the ads sounds familiar. Who do these people think they’re charming by reminding us of one of the most annoying things we can think of?

Conventional wisdom has it that the vast majority of Americans already know how they’re going to vote and nothing’s going to change their minds. It’s the “swing” voters that are in play and these are the folks that political ads are targeting. So, why do the rest of us have to suffer? Could the rest of us vote now and somehow be spared the long, long campaign between now and November.

No! You’re an American. You’re a proud American. You were born to suffer like this every four years. No, there are mid-term elections… every two years. Actually there are a lot of local elections, call it EVERY year. Seven days a week. Fifty-two weeks a year.

Let's move to Antarctica.

HOLLYWOOD – In “Battleship”, this summer’s big action film based on a game, actor Liam Neeson and pop star Rihanna try to save the world from the latest batch of unpleasant aliens to threaten Earth. Rihanna? Saving us from aliens? Listen, Rihanna might be good at a lot of different stuff but when it comes to saving me from aliens, no thanks sweetie, I’ll do it myself.

Thus continues the trend of casting people in big movies who are currently enjoying a high profile to help with the box office.

Certainly one of the most anticipated examples of this genre is Justin Bieber’s turn as Willie Lohman in the newest remake of Arthur Miller’s 1949 Pulitzer Prize winning play, “Death of a Salesman.” The cast includes show business legend Betty White as Willy’s long suffering wife Linda and Bieber’s personal mentor Usher as son Biff. The playbill has been engineered to appeal to every demographic that has been identified as part of the movie going public… with the possible exception of the XXX crowd.

While Ms. White insisted that she was willing to do whatever it would take to cover all the bases, director Wayne Bing declined the offer stating that, “it would require too much script reengineering and theatrical purists would probably object.” He added, “although I’m sure the author, who for a period was married to Marilyn Monroe, would have been pleased”.

Hollywood insiders are looking forward to “Avatar” type opening weekend numbers, while the music industry is extremely excited about the Usher/Bieber soundtrack album. “Rolling Stone’s” Randall Bowlton expects the title cut, a duet with Bieber and Usher, “You’re a Dead Salesman Now” to shoot to number one on the charts. “This is Burt Bacharach’s finest soundtrack since “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” Bowlton gushed.

Young Bieber’s next project, a biopic on blind Chinese activist Chen Guancheng with Bieber as Chen, is in pre-production.

By the way, it’s bio-pic not bi-opic.

The window of opportunity for summiting Mt. Everest is brief, more like a doggie door. This used to mean that a very few intrepid adventurers would occasionally run into each other in the course of attempting something only a handful of people would ever think about. They would run into each other because they were the only human beings in a wasteland and they might have been glad to see one another. Nowadays they’re running into each other literally, because of overcrowding, and quite likely less thrilled about it.

This spring, like a herd of tragically disoriented lemmings, 200 people are snaking their way up the highest mountain on earth. The individuals who conquered Everest in the early days were probably the types of people who wouldn’t fancy being around 200 of their fellow beings under the best of circumstances, let alone in a place called “the death zone.” Now it’s the place to be… if you think like a lemming.

Departing from base camp, which is a vast sea of colorful tents adjoining an estuary
of human waste that will never degrade, the would-be Everest conqueror climbs until he reaches an altitude that will not support human life. Spending a prolonged amount of time at this altitude can result in the climber and even the most experienced guide, coming down with a case of, whaddaya call it? Um… death.

Sadly, this happens every season and it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of how many. This is not a laughing matter, but the flawed human reasoning that has people thinking that they can just plunk down a pile of dough (in the neighborhood of $50,000) and duplicate a feat that took mankind until 1953 to do for the first time, ought to be good for a laugh. It’s the story of people who have that kind of money to spend on gratifying their egos. It’s the same attitude that caused the world financial collapse.

It’s called buying your way to the top. Go find a politician, any politician and study him. Try to find a poor one. Then turn on the news and watch the falls from grace.
Hubris and arrogance can have unpleasant consequences.

See, I told you it was funny.

Speaking from a beachfront bistro in Cannes, J P Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon stated, “I’ve cut those twerps off at the knees and will continue twerp knee cutting till this story cycles off the front page!” Dimon was referring to the individuals being held responsible for the multi billion-dollar loss due to reckless investments suffered by J P Morgan Chase. “Only when those culpable, with the possible exception of myself, receive their comeuppance, will I be able to find time to enjoy my 25 million dollar pay package.”

After the clusterboink that shook Wall St. to its foundations, some stockholders felt that Dimon should be stripped of at least one of his titles at Morgan Chase, but the CEO countered through a mouth full of caviar, “We’re still going to make billions and billions, which is more than you and all that “occupy” scum will ever make. All those losers without jobs will have a hard time making that kind of dough too. So bite me!”

Dimon, who has been in the vanguard of the fight against federal banking regulations went on, “Sure, now it will be a bit more expensive to buy members of congress, but that kind of money is chump change compared to the billions we just flushed… will you refill this champagne, buster?”

Financial experts agree that Morgan will indeed make big old piles of money this year and they also agree that congress will do absolutely nothing about surreal banking practices, global warming or WMD’s in Iraq.

Dimon continued, “At least we don’t have to worry about those clowns we elected mucking things up. If they actually did something it would be like the water boy giving orders to the coach. No, we’re safe to make or lose as many billions of dollars as we want. The good news is we’ll always find a way to pass on any losses on to the American people and then deny it. Now bring my car around, lout, I want to go to my yacht.”

“So what? I’m still a multi-billionaire.” With that Mark Zukerberg donned a pair of Groucho glasses, (that did surprisingly little to alter his looks) and boarded a private jet bound for a secret honeymoon location where no one had bought Facebook stock.

Millionaire investors who hoped to make even more millions in the course of one business day were spitting nails at the performance of FB’s stock following its Wall St. debut.

Bigwig Jeffery Vershel complained, “We were hoping that our inside information would allow us to get that much richer, and with a smattering of luck, screw the “little guy” in the process just for fun ha ha. But this debacle has my attorneys thinking about suing Harvard for producing such a dweeb! I mean, whose side are they on?”

The poor performance of Facebook has founder Zukerberg considering having the website join the European Union. “We need something like that to start looking good again, since we’re still worth more than all of Europe put together, plus a few islands in the Pacific and Antarctica,” exclaimed the wunderkind of nerddom.

EU spokesperson Wrandi Von derBing was unabashedly enthusiastic. “We’d love to have Facebook join us. They can have all the Euros they want, their own language, whatever it takes. Though I’m not sure where we’d put the 900 million people.”

President Obama, in a hastily called press conference, stated that the U.S. would aggressively be doing “whatever it takes” to keep all Facebook users citizens of the United States. “A “like” for me is a vote for me. Lets see Mitt and BAIN take over that one!”

Caught on the campaign trail at a 7 Eleven in Chippewa Falls, Gov. Romney countered, “Facebook would indeed be the largest company BAIN and I have destroyed, but we feel we’re up to it. As usual, it would be strictly for the good of the American people, with me and the boys making a little something on the side.

I’m sure the world can do without whatever Facebook makes. The same goes for the people who make whatever Facebook makes!”

“What’s Facebook?”

The TV reporter lady tells us that, “THIS IS THE SUMMER OF CELEBRITY WEDDINGS,” and is so excited about the prospect that she’s hyperventilating. She looks directly into the camera and bleats, “people want to know EVERYTHING!” It’s possible that she kind of believes it. I’m sure she wants to know everything, it’s what she does for a living, but who, in the name of God, wants to know everything?

I suppose there actually are folks out there who want to “know everything” about famous peoples' weddings. And that fact is, in itself, proof that whales and dolphins and probably all other animals are more intelligent than we are.

In an interview that occurred somewhere off the Pacific Northwest coast, a whale who didn’t wish to be identified stated, “human beings are so spectacularly stupid that sometimes I wish I were a carnivore.” The whale, who we will refer to as “Moby” went on, “anyone who wasn’t rooting for the shark in “Jaws” should be made to surf while wearing a seal suit.” This statement is emblematic of the contempt the animal kingdom has for us. “I think the plankton I eat are brighter than some people.”

The new trend that has parents at zoos putting their toddlers in front of the glass with a huge man-eating cat on the other side pretty much has all of nature crying foul. “We wouldn’t offer up our offspring to human hunters. What’s wrong with these people? That glass is unbreakable…the Titanic was unsinkable, the Red Sox will never win a World Series. Ha! I mean YUM.” Moby’s inner carnivore was clearly trying to make a break for it.

Moby feels strongly that the parents who try to feed their children to huge, frustrated jungle animals are the same humans who have to know “everything” about celebrities’ weddings. Said Moby, “ While a tragic accident would be, er… tragic, it might be a small step towards improving the human gene pool. Some people shouldn’t be breeding, and you can usually tell who they are by the “People” magazine with the picture of a bride and groom on the cover heading into a tanning salon with a small child in tow.” Moby concluded, “I don’t think tanning makes humans any smarter either.”

Grandpa used to say, “youth is the most easily cured disease in the world… you just wait.”

While baby boomers remain a huge demographic, the folks whose job it is to sell things to people have noticed that the boomers aren’t idiots - a statement that couldn’t have been made about them when they were younger. 60’s activist and recovering hippie, Randall Bowlton, pointed out, ”I used to forget where I hid my stash, now I can’t remember where I put my teeth.”

So the boomers got older, allegedly acquired some sense, and became less inviting targets to marketers. Now you still do see some products being specifically targeted to oldsters….sexy adult diapers? Eek, gag, yecch! Condo in Boca? But a lot of products that boomers had traditionally thought were being marketed to them are now being sold to people who hadn’t yet been conceived when the boomers hit middle age.

Movies are the most obvious example. If you look at the American Film Institute’s list of the top 100 films of all time, the vast majority of them are oriented towards an adult audience. If you turn on your TV or open a newspaper today, you’ll see the advertisements are for films based on childrens' toys and comic books, not exactly adult fare. So if you see a boomer at a theater purchasing a ticket for a TRANSFORMERS movie, you’d better make a call. Someone’s wandered away from the “home” in search of an early bird special and is about to get even more confused and could possibly have a flashback to the time he took acid and went to see The Exorcist.”

PLAYBOY magazine used to have a couple pages of book reviews and a couple pages of movie reviews that were interesting to people who had more in mind than T and A. Now it has one paragraph of each and several pages of video game reviews. The other stuff remains the same, but we know their target audience is too young to legally purchase the magazine.

Now Miller Lite beer seems to be putting a full court press on the frat crowd. You know what college kids do with beer… they pour it into themselves as quickly as possible and they’ve invented ingenious delivery systems to do so. The Miller people have produced a lid for their can that is so soft it can be punctured by anything more substantial than a piece of overcooked linguini, thus venting the can in such a way as to allow the fluid to flow into the consumer with speed rivaling the velocity it reaches when it comes back up.

You go Miller Lite!

In a press conference at the Greensboro, N.C. City Hall, Mayor Wayne Bing declared that he and the entire city are, “plum proud” to be hosting WEASELFEST 2012.

“Weaselfest will bring people here from around the world. It will be an economic boon for the city and raise Greensboro’s profile across the globe,” gushed Bing.

Weaselfest is, traditionally, a moveable feast that every year selects a venue inspired by current events. This year Sen. John Edwards’s trial for the alleged misuse of campaign funds was deemed the personification of the Weaselfest spirit.

The former U.S. Senator, former Presidential candidate, and formerly squeaky clean human being, is being throttled in the press again and again for the same misdeeds. Lets just say “squeaky clean” is a thing of the past.

The story is a tale so utterly tawdry that it should be a TV movie on one of those obscure networks that you come across by accident, and wonder who the hell watches that stuff.

Edwards, in what can only be described as a spectacular lack of impulse control, impregnated a woman who was not the, dying of cancer, Mrs. Edwards. The Senator and some of his supporters, for some reason, felt that knowledge of this circumstance could possibly damage his image and affect his chances of being elected President.

So the candidate’s Ambien and booze-addled aide, Andrew Young, along with his less than enthusiastic wife, were tasked with keeping the pregnant floozy quiet and out of sight. Wife, Cheri Young, stated, “keeping the scumbag’s despicable affair under wraps was my duty as a good American.”

Supporters then coughed up a million bucks. Some of it was used for tramp control but most of the money was skimmed off by Young to build his new 1.5 million dollar dream house. The question is, was the dough a campaign contribution, or was it just a gift to Mr. Edwards to keep the bimbo in limbo? Whose money was Young stealing? And why isn’t he on trial? Was any of the money used for a baby shower?

No matter... we’re excited to announce that Andrew Young has been crowned “Miss Weaselfest 2012”… it was the personality competition that sewed it up for him.

When reached for comment, former candidate Newt Gingrich complained, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about…you dicks.”

As of late, media mogul and notorious cross-dresser Rupert Murdoch has been spending quite a bit of his extremely valuable time in England in front of a Board of Judicial Inquiry. He’s been getting his butt chewed by the very types of people who for many years went out of their way to kiss that particular area of his personal geography.

Currently, powerful Brit politicians are deserting Murdoch like fleas abandoning a dog on fire and it’s nice to know that elected officials are the same the world over.

Murdoch’s dilemma stems from some dubious activities by people working for his newspapers. It seems that they hacked into phones and emails of everyone from celebrities to victims of terrible crimes. Murdoch claims to have had no knowledge of the vile behavior, “Not me,” he exclaimed as he batted eyes canopied by false lashes and fetching thalo blue eye shadow. “Everyone knows that I got where I am by not having the slightest idea of what my subordinates are up to.”

Hence, Murdoch has been going the “theya culpa” route. “There was a cover-up and I am the victim! I didn’t do nutten, but I take responsibility anyway,” exclaimed the 81 year old zillionaire, sporting a tailored navy pantsuit, a pair of stunning red patent leather pumps and matching bag.

As Mr. Murdoch compulsively fingered a chic set of screw back, diamond and pearl chandelier earrings, he explained that his employees were “scum,” and that if the Board of Enquiry had a bus he’d be happy to throw them under it. “I’m a man in the mold of Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst,” he sputtered. Hearst and Pulitzer are generally given credit for inventing yellow journalism.

Wife Wendi Deng, clad in black latex from neck to toe, with a small laptop and stack of ninja stars in front of her, sat quietly beside her husband, fondling a cat-o-nine-tails and glaring at the members of the board.

Every year more and more baby boomers are reaching the magic age of 65. While the state of the economy is making it less likely that many boomers will be able to completely retire as previous generations did, some selfish weasels think they should begin collecting their Social Security benefits just because they’ve been paying into the program their entire working lives.

The Social Security Administration’s response to this irresponsible and possibly un-American trend is to point out that they will run out of money by 2033, thus implying that if you love your children, and grandchildren, the only decent thing to do would be to die… the sooner the better.

The swelling ranks of the elderly are putting a strain on the entire society, so now it’s up to senior citizens to find ways to cut costs. For instance, if you’re worried about your heart, instead of going to a high priced heart specialist, just decide that this is the ideal time to put in that patio you’ve always wanted. Get yourself a ton of road base, half a ton of sand and a ton of flagstones and go at it. If by the time you’ve moved all that material around you haven’t had a coronary, your heart is fine. If you do have a heart attack and die, well, now you know. Either way, you have a new patio.

The SSA itself has begun to resemble a sleazy shell game in which, if you ask the exact same question of ten different SSA agents, you get ten different answers. The only conclusion one can draw is that not only does the left hand not know what the right hand is doing, the left hand doesn’t have the slightest idea what the left hand is doing either.

Caught like rats in a bureaucratic maze, the baffled boomer may confuse dealing with the government with early onset dementia. This may be the government’s plan.

While President Obama and the Democrats fret over a solution to the Social Security dilemma, the strongly anti-entitlement Republicans point out that they don’t care. “We’re rich, you idiot,” declared Speaker of the House John Boehner. He continued, “even the tallest person was once short,” and began to sob uncontrollably.

In 2004 the Crawford, Texas Pirates went 16-0 and won the 2A Division II state championship.

In 2009 former President George W. Bush retired to his home there. From the perspective of some small communities this might be considered a reversal of fortune.

The Tattler was flabbergasted when the beloved former chief executive consented to an interview in response to a long-standing request. His secretary, Ms. Bowlton, explained that President Bush hasn’t received a single phone call since the beginning of the Republican primaries. “What hurt even more was that none of the candidates were returning his calls either, not even birthday greetings. And the fact that Laura went out for a quart of milk five months ago and hasn’t returned doesn’t help."

Bowlton went on, “when George H.W. was asked by Romney for an endorsement and then received one, it was the final straw. It seemed to break W’s spirit.” He said to me, and I quote, 'Are dhis wit it will be lik from now on?' I could barely hold back the tears,” Bowlton confessed. “So some of us thought The Tattler interview would be just what the doctor ordered.”

We were to meet President Bush at Sam's Barber Shop in the middle of Crawford’s three block downtown area. A sparse, barren place, it’s said to closely resemble the inside of the former president’s brain. Sam's was selected as a neutral venue as Mr. Bush’s secret service detail occasionally has difficulty distinguishing members of the liberal media from those silhouette targets they use for practice in the President’s back yard.

When we caught up with the former leader of the free world he had just finished having his ears lowered and was delighted to find that April was half price month at Sam’s, and haircuts were only $8. “At that price I’ll be back tomorrow for another one,” He gushed. “Mebby every day 'til May,” the frugal, unemployed politician speculated.

Sam the barber beamed, “It looks like this is one of those promotions that’s really going to pay off.”

Recently there was the largest lottery payout in the history of the world. Millions of people spent millions and millions of bucks snapping up tickets in the hope of winning hundreds of millions of dollars - even though the odds of winning were exactly the same as the chances of getting hit by lightning, eaten by a shark and having a head on collision with Bruce Springsteen’s tour bus, all in the same day… not necessarily in that order.

The only thing less likely than winning that lottery was the probability of being identified committing a crime directly in front of a surveillance camera in the convenience store where you bought the lottery ticket.

For reasons that technological anthropologists are working desperately to discover, the tiny cell phone in your pocket can make movies that would thrill Cecil B. DeMille, while the images from surveillance cameras in that store, and everywhere else, look like they’ve been shot through a dirty fishbowl. If King Kong was beating up Godzilla in the store, right in front of the camera, it would be difficult to tell the ape from the reptile.

One theory is that the people who provide the surveillance equipment are the people who rob the stores. Another theory is that King Kong and Godzilla are in the security camera business. Either way, while everyone else is upgrading their computers, iPhones, iPads and iPods every five minutes, (just the way APPLE intended), security cameras that were manufactured before you were born, are sitting in the upper corners of rooms looking down at potential crime scenes seeing pretty much what Stevie Wonder sees.

The best hope that one of these security cameras has of preventing a crime is if a screw loosens and it falls off its mount and hits the criminal on the head.

Nonetheless, sticking up small stores is a terrible idea. Don’t do it.

So, if you need some money, just walk into a convenience store, look directly into the camera, and buy a lottery ticket.

And then watch out for The Boss’s bus.

On April 12, North Korea launched a three-stage rocket carrying a weather satellite into the skies above the most secretive nation on earth.

The rocket, built by “Beloved Leader” Kim Jong Il and his son Kim Jong Un, in the backyard of their Pyongyang home, was fabricated mostly from discarded refrigerator cartons with plans downloaded from the internet. The device was almost complete when the elder Il passed from this world, leaving the young Un to finish the project without his father’s guidance.

While Mrs. Kim is said to be extremely proud of her boy for completing the project on his own, the international community raised strenuous objections to the idea of a North Korean missile in space, suggesting that a rocket of its nature could be used as a vehicle for an atomic weapon.

International tension continued to mount right up to takeoff, at which point the craft broke apart approximately 100 miles above the Yellow Sea, pretty much walking distance from the launch site. The young, “Super Duper Beloved Leader,” Kim Jong Un was immediately promoted to “First Chairman” of something or other and giant fifty-foot tall statues of his father and grandfather were unveiled in front of jubilant throngs, waving bouquets of plastic flowers and then trying to eat them.

Many here at home considered this to be a major knee-slapper, but the U. N. Security Council response was to play it straight and reiterate its strong objections to the mission. They demanded to know why North Korea would need a weather satellite at the bottom of the ocean where, presumably, the weather doesn’t really change all that much.

Vaguely embarrassed by the techno-debacle, the North Koreans are said to be planning to blow a whole bunch of stuff up underground in order to save face.

Stay tuned... they say the Korean peninsula is lovely this time of year.

Uncle Sam wants you!

The Tattler has learned that the Department of Homeland Security, while sneaking around, has come upon a previously unknown archive. The archive is in the form of countless newsletters from a “higher authority” to our domestic animals. The apparent reason for the documents are to help the pets that consent to cohabit with us to better understand their human housemates.

From a human point of view the newsletters are fraught with inaccuracies but behaviorists are hailing them as a goldmine of insights into canine and feline behavior. Dogs and cats that were interviewed consider them gospel.

One newsletter obtained by the Tattler seems to be devoted in its entirety to the vacuum cleaner. For decades pet owners have been baffled as to why their beloved dogs and cats are filled with abject terror when confronted with a vacuum, knowing full well that Rover or little Fluffy has never, ever, been injured or even intentionally threatened by the appliance.

John S. Thurman’s 1899 Pneumatic Carpet Renovator was gas powered and understandably could have petrified farm animals for miles around, but in 1901 H. Cecil Booth got into the vacuum business and eventually developed a much quieter electric model.

One thing the hateful machines have done consistently is to suck up tasty food morsels from the floor. From the vantage point of a human standing upright these yummy snacks look like “filth,” but from the dog or cat perspective, they are a landscape full of tidbits held in reserve, waiting for that special moment when the process of decay has rendered them just right.

Then comes the evil beast and sucks the goodies up. While beloved master does his best to hold the creature back, it keeps lunging ahead. Time and time again master pulls it back only to have the vacuum monster lunge forward until there’s nothing left. Woe unto the fuzzball who falls into the path of the vacumonster.

Pets are clueless as to why fathead keeps this thing around, lying dormant until it awakens to gobble up yummies when they’ve ripened to perfection. Fathead wishes Rover and Fluffy would show a little backbone.

Comedians across the nation are said to be organizing a boycott of former Vice-President Dick Cheney for “making it too easy.” Randi Bing, owner of a small comedy club in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, explained, “ Vice President Cheney being a heart transplant recipient is beyond trite; there’s virtually no joke that can be made about this situation that won’t sound like a cliché. He may have had a rotten ticker but he’s somehow found a way to render himself bulletproof.”

Comedians have seemingly had a bitter grudge against Cheney ever since he got a dragon tattoo that covered most of one side of his abdomen. “The first few piercings and small tattoos were terrific and we were all grateful for the nipple rings. But the large dragon stopped us in our tracks“ she complained. We couldn’t touch that one with a taser. I mean, what do you say about something like that? I’m beginning to believe all the Darth Vader stuff.”

While medical ethicists debate the wisdom of transplanting an organ where none previously existed, Cheney supporters point to his exhaustion after having played the roles of all the villains in the Harry Potter movies. “Dick needed help, he took on a lot and paid the price,” commented close friend, Lucifer. "Acting was a huge stretch for Dick… channeling as many taxpayer dollars as possible to Halliburton should really be reason enough for a fella to get up in the morning.”

Bing summed up the comedians' dilemma, “It’s about dignity. When a real situation is more absurd than the dumb jokes you’re making about it, what can you do?” She lamented, “These comedians want to be able to turn on the tv to watch the news and the last thing they need to see is a smiling Dick.”

In a joint statement, the Food and Drug Administration and the American Medical Association have announced that they are taking the first step towards banning The Sweat Of Your Brow. Spokesman Charlie Lemming explained, “ This will be a long process, phased in incrementally, but in the end we plan on a sweatless future”

The seeds for a no sweat society were sewn in the late part of the 20th century when multi-millionaires and even billionaires were being created almost overnight without anyone ever lifting a finger. Moving hypothetical money around on hypothetical paper created huge gobs of hypothetical wealth with no one ever punching a time clock, creating a tangible product or breaking a sweat.

Lemming went on, “the best way to get filthy rich is to take someone else’s money, buy something, and then sell it at a profit without ever laying eyes on it. Sometimes it would be real estate (currently described as “a little soft”) but sometimes it would be futures, (something that doesn’t even exist)… my personal favorite.” He went on, “that, by the way, is why it cost you $300 to drive to work this morning!”

While some were becoming obscenely wealthy, others continued to “work” in the old fashioned sense. The technical Wall St. term for these people is “chumps.” Lemming expanded, “these chumps seem to be generating most of this so called “sweat” and there are a lot of people on Wall St. who find it just plain offensive.” In a random man-on-the- street interview conducted outside a major financial institution, several young brokers admitted to having heard of “sweat” but were sure it only occurred in the presence of a licensed personal trainer.

A couple young masters of the universe recalled sitting around their club with some older members and being told tales of things called “blisters” and “calluses". “I honestly don’t know if they expected us to believe that stuff,” one confided. “But I’m definitely looking forward to a time when these chumps stop sweating.”

Asked what the “chumps” were supposed to do for a living in a “no sweat” society, Lemming explained, “there are many opportunities for the new investor, particularly in the nation of Nigeria... check your email or go on the web. Everyone has a little something set aside, and one can always borrow from aging parents. Put it together and send it to these fine Nigerian entrepreneurs and you’re off and running!”

In a statement that has caught the world off guard, ROCK BOTTOM has announced the first in what is planned to be a series of evictions. Many residents, such as Bernie Madoff, who had previously felt secure, are being transferred to REALLY, REALLY SCREWED to make room for newcomers.

ROCK BOTTOM spokesman, Randall Bowlton, said he anticipates a smooth transition because the job market is flooded with out-of-work evictors ever since the government decided that banks had to actually have a legal right to throw people out of their homes before doing so. He added, “seems silly, but you know the government, ha, ha.”

The shakeup is being blamed on the current Goldman Sachs scandal in which Goldman vice president Greg Smith resigned on the pages of the New York Times, and in the process outed Goldman as being a nest of morally bankrupt sleazeballs. Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who has been described as a “vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity” disputed Smith’s claims.

Bowlton went on, “you can see that we’re going to need a lot of room here for People’s Opinion of Wall St., and frankly it was already getting crowded with People’s Approval of the War in Afghanistan. Folks think we have all the room in the world, but we don’t”

Rejected by ROCK BOTTOM, disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich expressed deep disappointment, “I really thought I’d made it” he lamented. Bowlton countered, “The federal facility where Rod is going to spend the next fourteen years has pool tables, ping pong tables, a view of the Rockies and serves Saturday brunch.

In other words, for a large percentage of the earth’s population, it would be the nicest place they’d ever been. It’s fair to say that Rod was being overly optimistic. However, he’s a relatively young man with a lot of screwing up yet to do. I’m confident that he can think of this period as a stepping-stone, and I’m sure we’ll see him here at ROCK BOTTOM before the end.”

In an announcement that sent shivers down the spine of every stoner in the land, televangelist, 700 CLUB host Pat Robertson, has decreed that marijuana should be legalized. Randy Bing, president of NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) in an address to a gathering in Humboldt County lamented, “this is the worst blow to our movement since Clinton denied inhaling and George W. lit the wrong end!”

The 81-year-old Reverend Robertson is infamous for declaring that hurricane Katrina and the earthquake in Haiti were the Lord’s wrath upon sinners. Never able to explain exactly what entire populations could have done to tick the deity off so much as to deserve such nasty smitings, he went on to simply insist the earth was flat and that was reason enough.

People who have been working for decades to try to convince responsible lawmakers to change antiquated pot laws have been seen grouped together like lemmings waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I can’t imagine anything worse,” moaned Bing. “This guy makes Gingrich look like Timothy Leary. Why would he do it?”

For his part, Robertson, who has reportedly been spotted escorting Grace Slick around California’s Esalen Institute, claims that he’s never touched the stuff. He commented, “the war on drugs has cost the American taxpayers billions and dramatically driven up prices for Julio who hangs out down by the schoolyard. It’s time for the madness to end.” Bing and other leaders at NORML are inconsolable and reported to be considering “the Jonestown solution.”

On the bright side, since Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich feel so strongly that it’s okay for government and religion to be cuddling up, Pastor Robertson’s announcement has a lot of people thinking that it will now be safe to drop by Santorum and Gingrich’s homes to fire one up without being hassled by “the man.”

When asked for comment, the Reverend Al Sharpton, whose mellow seemed severely harshed, described the situation as “Limbaughesque.”

Right wing, radio attack whale, Rush Limbaugh, was recently observed breaching and blowing as he referred to a young lady who tripled his IQ as a “slut.” He also suggested that any woman who thought her healthcare program should cover birth control was actually being paid to have sex, and therefore was a prostitute.

Limbaugh went on to offer that the young woman should let him watch her during the act. The only thing about any of this that surprised anyone was the fact that Limbaugh might be interested in a woman... four marriages haven’t kept years of speculation from pointing in another direction.

Poised and articulate, the woman in question, Sandra Fluke, is a law student at Georgetown University. She had not been allowed to address the Congressional Panel on Birth Control because the panel was not on speaking terms with the voice of reason. But she did address a delegation of Democrats later, a group that Rep. Eric Cantor referred to as being, “whadayacallit whipped.”

Shortly before an interview with NBC’s Andrea Mitchell, President Obama called Fluke to offer his support and congratulations. The President referred to Limbaugh as “corpulent and uninformed.” In a surprising display of one-upmanship the veteran journalist, Mitchell, decreed that Limbaugh was, “a moronic douche who needed to have his nads ripped off,” in a tone that suggested that she might be volunteering for the duty.

By the weekend, Limbaugh’s show had lost no less than six sponsors and the admitted drug addict was worried enough about revenues that he issued an apology. The apology was rivaled in its insincerity only by a cornered and snarling Newt Gingrich’s declaration that he agreed that his pal “Rush” should have apologized.

Observers on both sides of the aisle have been questioning how the Republican Party’s war on women will affect the creation of little Republicans.

At a Tea Party fundraiser held in West Virginia during his march to Super Tuesday, candidate Rick Santorum has called for a repeal of the Magna Carta.

The assembled group, who are clearly not satisfied with astral-projecting their brains back to the Victorian nineteenth century, met the announcement with thunderous applause. “Now that we’ve agreed that the United States Constitution and the Bill of rights are Godless, vomitus works of Satan, we can move on to some of the other trash that’s been around for far too long,” he sputtered. “If you thought it was fun living in the nineteenth century and the eighteenth century, wait till you get a load of the thirteenth century.”

Clearly upset by all those whacky “rights” bestowed on the people of England by the great document, Santorum continued, “this is the sort of evil that encourages people to go around having abortions. Marrying people of the same gender, going to college, and not believing in God is probably just fine with those sick Magna Cartans!” The mere thought of the document, that is admittedly very old and quite possibly smelly, had the candidate throwing up in his mouth a little.

The crowd worked itself into a frenzy, chanting “off with their heads” at no one in particular, just feeling that it was a thirteenth century kind of thing to do. After allowing several minutes of mouth frothing, Sen. Santorum announced, “I promised my wimmenfolk that if I finished within ten points of Romney in Michigan, they’d all get new chastity belts.

What say we meet back here in a couple hours and burn some witches?” As Santorum exited the stage, the crowd proceeded to mill around collecting kindling and looking for a liberal.

Breaking news!

Artist, cartoonist, writer, Chris Cassatt is sane… pretty much. After recently reaching the milestone of helming “SHOE” for one thousand weeks (almost 20 years), mental health professionals have declared Cassatt to still be in possession of several of his marbles. Dr. Wayne Bing announced, “I feel completely comfortable in using the term, 'sane-ish' to describe Mr. Cassatt’s psychological condition.”

For some time now people have been throwing around the phrase “idiot savant” when Cassatt’s name came up, something many felt was a reckless and unfair characterization as few could figure out where the “savant” part fit in. Thanks to an extensive study conducted at the famed Mayo Clinic, researchers were able to determine that “savant” referred to Cassatt’s ability to earn a living by being an idiot. “It was a real breakthrough," gushed Dr. Bing, "It gives hope to all idiots.”

Now, jubilant idiots and comic strip fans across the U.S. and beyond are demanding some kind of recognition for the veteran scribbler. A “Lifetime Achievement Award” from the IDIOT HALL OF FAME has been suggested, also, perhaps, a bobble head doll.

In 1992, the great visionary genius and SHOE creator Jeff MacNelly, who was tiring of the grind of a daily strip, brought Cassatt into the SHOE family in an effort to avoid becoming the kind of drooling nitwit that Mrs. Cassatt currently wakes up to every morning. While the gambit worked for Jeff, who remained vital and creative until his untimely passing in 2000, MacNelly’s own worst fears sadly seem to be manifest in Chris.

Cassatt’s early years are shrouded in mystery. It’s known that he spent some time in college to avoid having his head blown off in Viet Nam. This ended when a draft lottery number was drawn that was high enough to ensure that he couldn’t have gotten into the Mexican Army even if he wanted to.

Leaving academia in his wake, legend has it that he migrated to the Rocky Mountains to make skis created out of actual barrel staves, an idea whose time had not yet come. Industry professionals now say that if he’d been willing to stick it out for another 40 years, he might be turning a profit this very day!

It was in the thin air of the high Rockies that Chris met Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist and “Mother Goose & Grimm” creator Mike Peters. Apparently clear air and clear thinking are not the same thing as they quickly became close friends. Peters then introduced Cassatt to MacNelly who recognized both the idiot and the savant in Chris… and the rest is history.

There’s a statistic that one in every two marriages will end in divorce; this is sad news for the glass half empty people. The optimists among us can look at it in a much better way. If you’ve had two or three failed marriages, the statistics folks owe you two or three successful marriages. Hope springs eternal.

Getting those messy, unpleasant, failed marriages out of the way first seems to make perfect sense. Now, on to the great marriages you have coming to you.

For every door that closes, a new door opens. If you were a lousy husband/wife, all of a sudden you have a chance to be a great ex-husband/wife. If, by the end of your marriage, your spouse couldn’t stand the sight of you, now you have the opportunity to bring great joy by your absence. From every crummy marriage springs the possibility for a first rate divorce. In a truly great divorce every morning is Christmas…and YOU not being there is the gift!

And there’s this, of those marriages that do not end in divorce, there’s a certain percentage of them that end in murder or suicide. Eureka! That ain’t you. No powder burns on, or bullet holes in you, or your former beloved, a major victory.

Ten-percent of those in long marriages have admitted to considering one of these options. Of those who have actually taken the step to end his or her spouse's life or their own, half found it to be an unsatisfactory solution while, on the flip side, a surprising two-percent went on to patch things up and remarry that same person.

So, as you sit in your post-divorce hovel in the worst part of town, with nothing on the walls and a couple sticks of secondhand store furniture, you can look forward to all the happy marriages you have coming to you.

Lucky, lucky you!

In a recent statement that didn’t surprise anyone, the all-male Senate Committee on Contraception, visiting from the nineteenth century, announced that there was no need for such measures (contraception) as, “that sort of thing (sex) doesn’t go on anymore.” Committee chairman Charles Leonard, (R) Colorado went on, “we’re all God fearing people here, and if God wanted us to be “doing it,” by God we would be.”

During the hearings, committee member’s wives paced nervously outside chambers and refused to comment on the record. Off the record one wife confessed, “We’ve been telling them for years now that “it” just isn’t being done anymore. Now we’re terrified that, with all this press, the cat will be out of the bag!”

There were no children accompanying the member’s wives. “Sure it works” observed another Senate spouse, “but we’re not sure if it could play in mainstream America.” She went on, “every American knows that few, if any, male members of Congress still posses the physical attributes necessary to perform the act in question, but it might be different outside the Beltway.”

Women across America were thrown into a homicidal rage at the fact that there wasn’t a single female on the committee, but all expressed solidarity with the Senate wives. “Can’t blame them for a second,” was the overall consensus, “look at those wet dishrags. The only thing that gets them excited is a fundraiser.”

In defense of the committee members, some staffers insisted that their bosses found Superpacs pretty darn exciting too. “And you should take a look at these guys when they see a lobbyist with a checkbook coming their way,” insisted a male aid, who seemed fairly excited just talking about it.

The San Diego Zoo has announced the theft of its prized koi, Charlie. In a tearful statement, zoo administrator Randall Bowlton briefed the press on the world famous institution’s loss. “We are without a single clue as to how this could have happened. All we know is that at closing time yesterday Charlie and best friend Leonard were happily frolicking in their enclosure, and at feeding time this morning, Charlie was gone, vanished.

Best friend Leonard is a 22 lb. Canada Lynx. The giant ornamental carp, Charlie, and Leonard the lynx, gained international notoriety ten years ago when both animals were young.

The baby lynx had escaped his enclosure and found his way to the koi pond exhibit. After hours of searching, the feline was discovered there by zoo staff, the cat gazing soulfully into the pond, eyes following little Charlie’s every move. It was instantly clear that the two young animals had bonded. Since then the two have been inseparable.

For a decade the duo, favorites of children and adults alike, have enchanted zoo goers with their antics. Leonard at his perch on the bank, would constantly dip his front paws into the water, trying desperately to pet, or “low five” his scaly best buddy, while Charlie would good-naturedly taunt him by darting to the far end of the pond, sometimes leaping entirely out of his watery home, and shooting Leonard a wide eyed look in a display of camaraderie.

Marine biologists are at a loss to explain how a thief could have made off with the three-foot long giant goldfish, without being detected. “It’s just sad, they had so many good years to look forward to,” Bowlton lamented.

While a lynx can live to 26 years, a carp can live up to 52 years and one legendary finner named Hanako is said to have reached the age of 226.

In a heartbreaking display of an animal mimicking human emotion, the grief stricken Leonard has been unable to eat for the three days since his pal’s theft, though his belly seems unusually distended, and somehow the lynx chow in his bowl had been replaced with tarter sauce.

The lamestream media, in its latest episode of spewing left wing propaganda, continues to mock Newt Gingrich for his visionary plan to build a base on the moon. Undeterred, the Speaker defended his concept and dismissed naysayers as morons, “Lets see those little “occupy” twerps occupy this!” Gingrich was overheard snarling to an aide.

When asked if the moon had a Lowes, a Home Depot or some other building materials supplier, a Gingrich spokesman replied that, “ in an effort to seem as environmentally sensitive as possible, the entire base will be built from indigenous materials, principally green cheese.” He went on to quip, “that way we can claim that we’re taking the “green” movement all the way to the moon. Although on earth it’s a pain in the butt and raises havoc with free enterprise and profit margins.”

High-end jeweler, Tiffany & Company, in support of one of its favorite customers, is issuing a commemorative charm depicting the former speaker mooning the American people.

Insiders claim that the concept for a moon colony originated with wife Calista, who is said to have been to the moon many times on her way to and from her home planet.

Rising to the challenge, in the spirit of one-upmanship, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has vowed to buy the moon, “with a little walkin' around money.” He went on, “I think we can leverage this pup, drive it into bankruptcy, destroy some jobs, and make several millions of dollars for myself and my partners in just a matter of months.” He chuckled, “So I guess you know what Newt can do with his green cheese.”

The Gingrich camp shot back that Newt’s pals at Fanny Mae and Freddie Mack hold the paper on the moon and that it isn’t for sale to Mitt Romney at any price.

However, sources at both mortgage giants suggested that, “there’s never any harm in kicking numbers around.”

Winter is often disappointing for birds that don’t fly south, but The Tattler usually endures. However, this week has been particularly trying.

When there was a knock on the door the other day we were pretty sure that, since Heidi Klum and Seal were now quitsville, it would be Heidi on the other side looking for some comforting. Opening the door with breathless anticipation, this reporter confronted two birds holding Bibles. This was clearly on the low end of our expectation scale.

Beak hanging open, wings outstretched, mentally weighing… theological discussion – Heidi…. theological discussion – Heidi. Surely a no brainer, also a no hoper, strangers with Bibles it was.

Now, The Tattler is all in favor of belief. In fact, this reporter believes he’ll go for a pop after work and thinks it’s okay if there are Mayans out there performing human sacrifices… as long as they don’t come to his door to tell him about it. But there we were, no Heidi, not even Mayans.

“What have you done with Heidi?” I demanded, the first words out of my beak. They looked confused. “Heidi Klum, I’m sure she’s on her way over!” Their beaks were now hanging open, “We just have this literature we thought you might want to take a look at.” “Pictures of Heidi, perchance?” I speculated. “Well, no” they rejoined, “is this Heidi a dear friend?” I confessed, “I’ve never met the gal, but I feel change is in the wind.”

Things were going nowhere fast, “I see you have Bibles,” said I. “What do you mean by that?” they accused. “Merely an observation, would you like to come in and discuss theology while we wait for Heidi? Here, drink some of this.” They seemed uneasy and began to trot back to their vehicle.

“Keep an eye out, Heidi could be broken down on the side of the road,” I shouted after them as they sped out of my driveway, executing a nifty little fishtail/correction maneuver and merged into the flow of traffic.

So, here I sit. I fear I may not see my new friends again, and Heidi isn’t returning my calls. I understand Seal is ticked and there’s a lot of winter yet to go.

Speculation is raging across Hollywood like a prairie fire as to who Khloe Kardashian’s real father is. The tabloid press, unable to accept that it may actually be the man who was married to her mother at the time of Khloe’s birth, is scrambling to find who the next lucky prospect will be.

The Kardashian women, whose romantic entanglements strongly resemble that maze in “The Shining,” are currently in seclusion trying to figure out how best to market the situation.

In an impromptu man-on-the-street interview, 67.3% of those questioned thought that anatomically correct “Kardashian Girls” Barbie Dolls might be a good way for the family to capitalize on the media frenzy.

Several former beaus of mother Kris Kardashian are vehemently denying the possibility that they could have sired Khloe, citing the fact that by the time they were playing around with Kris, the child had already come in to the world. Hollywood insiders remain skeptical.

In a startling twist, MAD MAGAZINE mascot/coverboy, Alfred E. Newman, implied in an interview with Katie Couric, that he might have had something to do with it. His grin, his “What me worry?” attitude, and a strong resemblance to the youngest Kardashian daughter have reporters scouring back alleys and emptying garbage bins seeking DNA from the comedy icon.

A Kardashian family spokesman, Wayne Bing, volunteered that, “cashing in on a situation like this is easy... the trick is to get the optimum bang for your buck, no pun intended, heh heh.”

As of today, young Khloe has retained one of Los Angeles’ most prestigious private investigating firms to determine who, exactly, her mother might be. “There could be a few million in it,” declared the newly minted orphan.

NASA has announced that the Chinese Space Agency (CSA) has alerted the world scientific community that yet another large piece of space debris will fall to earth sometime in the next several weeks, or months…. or some other time.

The object, a school bus approximately the size of a school bus, failed to escape earth's orbit and go wherever it was going. It is a subject of intense speculation as to exactly why the Chinese would want to put a school bus in space, but they aren’t talking.

The CSA is brushing off early calculations that suggest an object that large, traveling at twenty thousand miles per hour and hitting the earth would create a crater the size of Wyoming. Zhng Tao Huh of the Chinese information agency stated, “The chances of this thing hitting Wyoming are infinitesimal.”

Where, exactly, the object will come to earth cannot be calculated until approximately two hours before it arrives, but scientists say if everyone on earth is packed and ready to go, “those in the target area should have plenty of time to get out of Dodge.” This statement caused a lot of folks in Dodge to start packing and getting out… right quick.

When asked if there were any school children aboard the bus, Huh responded, “Fortunately the rocket carrying the bus was launched on a school holiday and all the students were in factories making knock-offs of American goods.”

In a prepared statement, White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, explained that President Obama did not anticipate that the situation would create any strain in Sino-U.S. relations. He quoted the President. “Even if it does happen to hit Wyoming, the bus in question is an American made “Bluebird” school bus that has safely carried children in this country to school and home again for generations. As Americans, we’re proud that our Chinese friends have recognized the superior quality of this American made product.

In the meantime property values in Wyoming and Dodge are plummeting.

This just in –
Our correspondent in Tinseltown has confirmed that ugly mobs in the UK are up in arms over gringo, Meryl Streep, being chosen to play the role of Margaret Thatcher.

In an unprecedented backlash directed at the “colonies,” Brits across the island nation took to the streets in response to the casting of the American actress in the title role of “The Iron Lady.” “Why didn’t they just cast Queen Latifah? At least she’s got a title,” snarled one irate fishmonger. “What’s with these bloody Yanks? They think all Canadian actors are American and they probably think the Beatles were Americans.”

Following her triumphant turn as “Sheena Queen of the Jungle,” Streep responded to the barrage of criticism with typical British stoicism, “There’s an upcoming biopic on Reagan called “The First Zombie President,” I think Helen Mirren would be wonderful in the title role.”

This is a trend that the industry has called “too much medication” casting. Ever since Betty White played Dick Cheney in the “Rambo” remake, casting against type has become a popular but transparent device to garner Oscar nominations.

On our side of the pond audiences seemed more sanguine. “No one seemed to mind Julia Child being the French Chef,” commented Randall Bowlton, self described “tall jockey.” He went on, “and speaking of France, how about that guy Sarkozy casting Salma Hayek as a Chevalier in The Legion of Honor just for being smoking hot.”

Hayek is not the first actor to receive that honor; others include Clint Eastwood and Jerry Lewis, both less hot and neither of whom was considered for the Thatcher role.

The editorial staff at The Tattler feels strongly that Ms. Hayek is welcome to any award she wants and if she drops by the office, we’ll do our best to get it for her. The same goes for Margaret Thatcher and Meryl Streep. Clint and Jerry are welcome too. But we really think Salma would have been great as Thatcher.

Since the New Hampshire Primary, the two most attractive Republicans in the presidential race have been flushed away. The square jawed cowpoke who is dead, but doesn’t have the common sense to lie down and close his eyes, and the hot co-ed who looks like she took way too much acid in her freshman year. While some may miss looking at them, few will miss listening to them. This is a burden their spouses alone will bear from now on.



So now the GOP’s inventory of choices has come down to: 



Rick Santorum – The quintessential dweeb who surely has developed a thick skin from being picked on every single day of his academic life through the sixteenth grade. 



Ron Paul – Accurately described as a “lawn gnome” by some, and the kind of a creature that might live under the base of a lawn gnome, by others.



Newt Gingrich – Speaking of lawn gnomes, actually Gingrich is more the troll under the bridge. And don’t forget Mrs. Troll-under-the-bridge, terrifying children in fairy tales for centuries.


John Huntsman – Promoted from invisible man to third place finisher, possibly a rational human being who fell in with a bad crowd.



And Mitt – His real first name is Willard but most Republicans think it’s Mitten. That says it all. However, he’s become extremely popular with other folks who enjoy firing people.



The question is, what will happen when the Republicans run out of first time frontrunners? Will they recycle?



Or then there’s Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. They’re both just there, kind of like that thing that lurked in your bedroom closet when you were a little kid. They’ve both questioned whether President Obama was born in the United States while some question whether either of them was spawned on planet Earth. Both have the kind of egos that would allow them to see themselves as off-white knights bursting upon the scene to save the Republican Party, and the country, from the elderly, the sick, the poor, the disadvantaged and other types of freeloaders out to pick the pockets of the righteous, folks with their own private jets, six homes and a dozen or so cars.



Someone has to do it.

The 2011 college bowl season started about a week before Christmas and is ending approximately a week after New Years. In 1960 there were 8 bowl games, in 1996 there were 18, this year there will be 34 or 35, depending on your source.

The reason for this small discrepancy is something only the football gods and ESPN really know. One thing is for sure, no one is volunteering to sit down and watch every game and count them up. You used to watch all the games, now there are people in white coats with butterfly nets waiting to catch someone merely attempting to do so.

In the old days, the best teams in college football were invited to play in a postseason bowl game. They were nationally ranked and it was a reward. This year there were more bowl games involving teams with barely winning records than there used to be bowl games.

With so many games to choose from, it’s never too soon to start looking at some guidelines to maximize next year's bowl experience for the avid fan.

In recent years it was safe to simply have a policy to not watch games involving teams with hideous records. But now, that would mean missing a lot of games and not putting the kind of dent in your couch that you had mentally committed to sometime before Thanksgiving.

A favorite standard around The Tattler has been to not watch games involving teams from schools we could have gotten in to. That gave you plenty of room for hours of viewing and edited out a few bottom-feeding institutions left over from the Viet Nam era when everyone was going to college to avoid the draft.

A new standard might be to not watch games involving teams from schools that the bad guys in those inbred-mutant-cannibal-chainsaw wielding slasher flicks could have gotten in to. This would allow you to edit out a couple snoozer games being played on rocky pastures in some third world corner of the dustbowl. Which would be the name of that game… and it would be sponsored by a chainsaw manufacturer, and…

Nevermind.

The important thing is to have some standards.

With the holidays behind us, there’s always something of a letdown. Sports fans still have the Superbowl to look forward to, and misguided romantics have Valentines Day. If you actually make it through to Easter, it’s probably safe to look forward to spring. But right now everyone, EVERYONE, can start enjoying Seasonal Affective Disorder! If you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line you know what I’m talking about.

If you reside in Florida only 1.4 percent of you will be afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). But if you live in New Hampshire, 9.7 percent of you can look forward to being plunged into depression by winter’s gloom.

SAD wasn’t officially recognized until 1984. Before that you were just depressed. Of course now that it has a name, you’re still just depressed. Perhaps the fact that it now has a name somehow helps. Like when scientists have no idea what something is, they call it an “anomaly,” and that makes people think they know what they’re talking about…. but they don’t, that’s why they call it an anomaly.

When you’re depressed because it’s been dark and gloomy and cold for weeks on end cheer up, you have Seasonal Affective Disorder! Of course if you’re not depressed when it’s dark and gloomy for weeks on end, something else is wrong with you. Either that or you’ve gotten hold of something illegal… and wouldn’t it be nice if you shared?

If you live in the north, one way to combat SAD is, instead of being depressed, you could be ticked off at the people in Florida who have SAD. What in the metrological world do they have to be depressed about? Okay, hurricane season. But that’s not depression, that’s perfectly reasonable FEAR.

Your house, your dog, your stamp collection and that vintage Edsel you’ve spent years restoring are going to be blown out to sea. Don’t tell me you have SAD, you have common sense. GET OUT OF THERE!

The Tattler sincerely hopes this public service message has been of some help.

Cheer up.

New Years Eve is traditionally a festive time of celebration; people mistake household objects for party hats and other peoples' wives for objects of affection. Drunken blackouts are socially acceptable and putting the contents of one’s stomach on display cheers everyone up.

An ending and a beginning all wrapped into one, New Years is a time for both reflection and optimism. While being one year closer to the grave gives everyone something to look forward to, it’s also a good time to look back on what became of last year’s hopes and dreams.

There’s been some disappointment:

The Vegas line on the Mayan feathered serpent god, Quetzalcoatl, not fancying the way the world has turned out and consuming it, are 2 to 1. Most touts consider this a sucker bet and suggest the real odds are one of those numbers you encounter when you start investigating string theory, a dot, forty pages of zeros, and then a one. So the hopeful are probably going to be in for another bleak year of frustration.

Several reporters here at The Tattler had looked forward to retiring from journalism and becoming back-up dancers for Brittany Spears…. more disenchantment, hence, this article.

Closely connected insiders say that after an evening of more excessive partying than usual, Callista Gingrich was deeply disappointed to wake up and find Newt next to her, and one of her hairs out of place. The hair was summarily executed.

On the other hand, hopes for the upcoming year include:

Kim Kardashian marrying as many men as it takes to find Mr. Right, and everyone is looking forward to Bruce Jenner turning up so they can stop using that wax statue for photo ops.

The 2012 election will mean that the GOP primary season and the endless debates involving fools and philanderers will be over. People are jumping out of their wheelchairs and doing back flips over that one.

Wall St. bankers and brokers have suggested that 2012 will be the year they welcome “occupiers” into their homes to share the wealth.

And those who believe the above will be giving Bernie Madoff all their money to invest for them.

Happy 2012!

Once every ten years The National Council On Conventional Wisdom (NCOCW) meets at a secret location for its “Aphorism Update.” In much the way that dictionaries purge words that have faded from use and add new words that have evolved out of popular culture. The NCOCW reassess notions that are commonly held to be universal truths, and that occasionally comfort those who need comforting.

The decade from 2001 – 2010 was such that the report emanating from this meeting was particularly large and marked a sea change in several areas. So here’s a preview...

For those who were holding onto some distant hope:
After years of grinding recession and unemployment, the council has determined that, NOTHING EVER HAPPENS FOR THE BEST.

For the star struck who might think fame is the answer:
IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE BETWEEN SEEING YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS AND SEEING YOUR NAME ON A CHECK… The council added that this is true even if the check is issued by an institute for the criminally insane where you’ve been employed to do custodial work.

And for those who have accepted all along that:
IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK, WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK… IT’S A DUCK. The council warns that it could easily be a DEA agent in a duck suit snooping around after your medical marijuana.

The full report will be released next week and the Council urges all Americans to study it thoroughly. Council Chairman Wayne Bing also admonished, “anchors on local newscasts and talk radio pundits,” to be particularly studious. “For them,” he cautioned, “the wisdom bar is usually set low enough for a snake to trip over.”

In closing he added, “SOMEDAYS YOU’RE THE BUG AND SOMEDAYS YOU’RE THE WINDSHIELD has remained unchanged, as neither option struck us as being particularly pleasant. But on the upside, due to the current state of the economy, A BIRD IN HAND is now worth THREE IN THE BUSH!”

North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il is dead. Known to his people as “Beloved Dweeb Who Keeps Us Starving,” Kim succumbed to a heart attack at age 67. His rule was shrouded in secrecy for seventeen years and was considered a cult of personality.

Many Tattler staffers feel sufficiently encouraged by the fact that someone like Kim could have a cult of personality that they are starting their own cults of personality. “It gives hope to every idiot in the world,” enthused one low ranking Tattler employee.

Kim’s hand picked successor is youngest son Kim Jong Ick. Speculation abounds as to why the youngest of his brood was selected to run the fifth-world nation after the senior Kim’s death, but insiders tell of a family competition to see who could get a worse haircut than their dad. Ick was the hands down winner, and nobody can dispute that. The young Kim will be known as “Adored Twerpy Kid Son Of Beloved Nutjob Ruler.”

The White House response to Kim’s death has been politically correct, allowing counties in the region to shape their own responses and expecting China, who practically owns North Korea along with every other nation in that part of the world and the United States, to help navigate the new regime.

Several GOP candidates were asked for their take on this turn of events. Newt Gingrich seemed baffled that we can get our shorts in a bunch over Iran possibly developing a nuclear device when the crazies in North Korea already have one. “It doesn’t make sense, we should have invaded them long ago.” Some smart aleck from the New York Times mentioned something about the “Korean War” and that was the end of that interview.

Governor Rick Perry asked if North Korea was anywhere near the Alamo and Mitt Romney suggested that his campaign might make a swing through North Korea. “If I can only point out to them how well North Dakota gets along with South Dakota it might be a game changer.

In a pre-incarceration interview, disgraced former Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, ruminated on the subjects of life and politics. “You know since the 70’s, seventy-nine Illinois officials have gone to jail for corruption, four out of the last eight governors, that’s counting me of course, ha, ha. Which means that statistically you have a better chance of going to prison by getting elected governor than if you hold up a 7 eleven. Fortunately, the dough’s better in politics, although I’m still a little tempted every time I go into a convenience store.”

Sentenced to fourteen years for trying to sell President Obama’s senate seat, Blago (as he has come to be known to his fans) will probably serve twelve. “I feel that my time in prison will afford me an opportunity to be exposed to a better class of people…compared to the types one meets in Illinois politics.”

Clearly a “glass half full” kind of guy, Blago went on, “I think I’d like to get into show business when I get out, maybe acting. Since acting is basically lying, I’m thinking that in twelve years I can get in a lot of practice. I plan on offering my fellow inmates a lot of patronage positions while I’m doing my time.” He chortled, “I’m looking at this as a twelve year run of HELP, I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE, only I won’t have to be around the lowlife jerks that were on that show.”

Looking towards his immediate future the ex-governor waxed optimistic, “The first thing I’m going to do once I start my sentence is to hold a GOP presidential debate. The candidates won’t have to worry about me getting into the race if I don’t like what they have to say. Probably.”

Reports of the demise of the “occupy” movement have been greatly exaggerated. While occupiers have been driven off by winter’s cold and authorities have dismantled camps in major cities across the nation, a new group has taken up the torch.

“We feel that the 99% has done a great job of getting the ball rolling, but it’s now time for the one-percent to step up,” said a tanned and fetching young woman who identified herself as Buffy Bowlton.

We caught up with Ms. Bowlton in the trendy club, “Children With No Role models” on Ocean Drive in Miami’s South Beach neighborhood. She went on, “we’re committed to the cause. We’ve already established “occupy” sites here in SOBE and Aspen and plan on occupying St. Bart’s, Honolulu and Necker Island as soon as our reservations are confirmed.”

The ramshackle tent cities that were emblematic of the summer’s “occupy” movement won’t be evident in this winter’s incarnation. “Why would we want to live in tents when there are all these lovely hotels?” Ms. Bowlton gushed. “Why would people eat out of disgusting dumpsters when there are all those five-star restaurants?”

The shiny new face of the “occupy” movement has some diehard Tea Party members reflecting, “Maybe these people aren’t scum after all. Who knows, they might not need food stamps.”

In back-to-back press releases, jeweler to the stars, Harry Winston, has announced the creation of a new line of “Occupy” jewelry in which the word is spelled out in diamonds and gold on necklaces, bracelets and earrings. The Toyota Motor Company has announced that its Lexus division will unveil the new, 30 foot long, “Occupy” SUV in September 2012.

At Aspen’s exclusive, “Caribou Club” a mink and jewel encrusted Brooke Mueller was overheard commenting, “I think this “occupy” thing is going to catch on! I'm thinking about “occupying” Rio later in the winter.”

Fear not, “Occupy” is alive and well and in good hands.

A chance encounter outside The Treetops Lounge provided an unexpected opportunity for an interview with Sen. Batsen D. Belfry.

Tattler: Senator Belfry it’s very gracious of you to consent to this interview.
Belfry: Who are you people?

Tattler: Fishawk, from the Tattler, and there’s just one of me.
Belfry: Not counting your twin brother standing right there next to you.

Tattler: Exactly. I/we would like to ask you about the rumors having to do with your non-candidacy for the upcoming presidential election.
Belfry: I’m here to assure you that the rumors are absolutely true; I’m definitely not running. Only a lunatic or a moron would want to run for President in 2012! I think the current field of candidates will bear out that statement.

Tattler: I can quote you on that?
Belfry: You bet. You’d have better luck getting Chris Christie to give up pork rinds than getting me to run. Look at Newt, in this campaign he’s died and been resurrected so many times they’re giving him his own zombie reality show where he’s going to eat poor children with no role models.

Tattler: But the prevailing wisdom is that only an outsider can win the White House away from President Obama.
Belfry: Nonetheless, if elected I will not serve. If nominated I will not run and… I know there’s another one…. You media people think this is easy. I’ll ask Rick, he’ll remember.

At that point Senator Belfry got into the back seat of his car and screamed, “Someone’s stolen my steering wheel!” As aids pulled him from the vehicle he bellowed, “You might mention that contributions sent to The Committee To Not Elect Batsen D. Belfry will be gratefully accepted. Remember, I have what it takes to take what you have.”

Senator Belfry was then led back into The Treetops Lounge to do some Christmas shopping.

Last week The Tattler was the only newspaper to sneak into the Congressional Super Committee that had been tasked to make sweeping budget cuts. However, The Tattler was shocked when, at the very first question, members of the Committee as one donned horned rimmed glasses and fedoras and stated, “You must be in the wrong place. We’re not the Super Committee, we’re the Clark Kent Committee. We haven’t done anything!”

To be sure, there was no arguing with that. Members of the Committee and their staffs then exited the conference room, elbowing their way through a mob of media while averting their faces from cameras, their constituents and the American people as a whole, like felons on a perp-walk.

Theories regarding responsibility for the committee’s utter and dismal failure abound, one long time Washington pundit simply stated, “The Republicans are terrified of offending the brain-dead Tea Party faction of their party, while Democrats are terrified of the sun rising in the east and setting in the west.”

Later in the week, during a meeting of the House Natural Resources Committee, Alaska Rep. Don Young, known for having the lowest attendance record among House members, and has claimed that the Gulf oil spill was, “not an environmental disaster” decided to go one on one with Rice University Professor, Douglas Brinkley, author of ”The Quiet World: Saving Alaska’s Wilderness Kingdom 1879-1960.”

Rep. Young managed to make himself look like a midget trying on Kobe Bryant’s uniform by calling Dr. Brinkley’s testimony garbage, forgetting his name and suggesting that Brinkley should answer to any name Young chose to call him. Prof. Brinkley pointed out that Young worked for the American people who pay his salary.

In response, Young chugged a quart of Quaker State Motor Oil and screamed that he’d poke as many holes in his state as I wanted.

According to the Mayan calendar the world will end in the year 2012. The question is, will anyone miss it?

In an exclusive interview with The Tattler, President Obama responded, “Maybe the 1%, probably no one else. For the rest of the population the global economy that’s been circling the drain for several years now has created an escalating cycle of misery that would make a good old-fashioned biblical apocalypse look like a weekend in the country.

I really think we’re all looking forward to it.” The President went on, “I understand the crackpot evangelists who’ve been forecasting “The End” every five minutes for years now are particularly excited. Face it, predicting the apocalypse is one of those deals you can get wrong over and over again, but then you get it right just the one time and….

Asked how the leader of the free world was going to spend the remaining days, Mr. Obama declared, “The 99% are taking care of themselves, they’re pretty much ready, willing and able, it’s the 1% I have to worry about. Even though it’s their greed that’s generally regarded as the root source of our current misery, it’s my job to point out to them that they won’t have to anguish over deciding which of their half dozen or so homes to spend time in next summer, Aspen, St. Barts, London, L.A…

Not to mention that there’ll be no more fretting over the skyrocketing price of jet fuel. And listen; just try to find a decent Maserati mechanic. Not just any grease monkey can deal with fine Italian machinery. No, they should be as upbeat about the whole thing as everyone else, except of course, the part about them going to H – E – double hockey sticks. But look, they won’t have to pack any winter clothes. And the 99% is awfully excited about waving goodbye to them on their way down!

When asked about his take on the end of the world, Speaker of the House John Boehner, in a rare moment of bi-partisanship confided, “I think it’s just what the doctor ordered!”

Tinseltown – Today Sony Pictures, in conjunction with Viacom/Time Warner, announced the Christmas release of its long awaited epic, “Overdue!” Select insiders are now previewing the film that was shrouded in secrecy during its entire production. Apparently involving neither zombies nor teenage vampires, the carefully chosen audiences are calling the film a risky adventure by major players and even, “tantamount to corporate suicide.” “Where are the zombies? Where are the teenage vampires?” groaned stunned viewers exiting screenings.

While mainstream Hollywood is well known for its willingness to risk enormous amounts of money on esoteric art projects, “Overdue” seems to be in a class by itself.
Directed by Steven Spielberg with a screenplay by William Peter Blatty of “Exorcist” fame, from a book by funnyman Edgar Allen Poe, “Overdue” is touted by the studio to be, “not quite as hilarious as “Saving Private Ryan,” but pretty darn funny.”

In the film Mickey Rourke plays a meek librarian consumed by existential angst over books that are not returned on time. Angelina Jolie plays a lonely spinster who is addicted to the written word, yet, a very, very slow reader. Rourke’s character begins to stalk Jolie’s character and highjinks ensue.

Daily Variety editor George Zells described the Rourke character as the most egregious case of miscasting since Nicholas Cage played an MIT astrophysics professor in “Knowing,” or Keanu Reeves baffling turn as a heart surgeon in “Something’s Got To Give.”

When confronted with the notion that Angelina Jolie was somewhat of a stretch as a lonely spinster, Viacom big shot Sumner Redstone barked that, “If John Wayne can play Genghis Kahn in “The Conqueror,” and Colin Farrell can bleach his hair and play Alexander the Great, Angelina can do dumpy.

When run to ground by reporters at The Polo Lounge and asked his opinion of the project, legendary director Martin Scorsese commented, “Those guys have guts, they got moxie. But what gives? Where are the zombies? Where are the teenage vampires?”

Tinseltown – In a press conference held in the Grand Ballroom at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, Wayne Bing, President of the American Comedy Writers Guild, announced that the Guild was filing a class action lawsuit against the Republican Party and the current field of presidential candidates. The suit claims that massive layoffs in the fields of humor and satire are the direct result of Republican candidates “poaching on our turf.” “Never, in recent memory, has the phrase, “you can’t write this stuff,” applied so specifically to current events.” He went on, “these people are not members of the Comedy Guild, they are taking bread out of the mouths of our members' families.”

It has been reported that the late night talk shows, Jon Stewart’s, “The Daily Show” and “Saturday Night Live” have all greatly reduced their writing staffs and that talk giants Leno and Letterman are planning long sabbaticals, possible until the 2012 elections are over. “The trend is for comedy shows to simply rerun the Republican Presidential debates at random. People seem to never tire of just watching and laughing.” Some out of work writers have claimed that as long as the Republicans keep having debates, jobs will continue to be lost.

A few Guild members are said to be picking up work as speechwriters for the very candidates who are putting them out of business. “It’s pretty stomach turning,” commented a former SNL scribe who asked not to be named. “And the worst part is that just when you think you’ve come up with some pretty good material for them, they open their mouths and come out with something far dumber than you could ever have dreamed up. I don’t know how they do it.”

On the bright side, Herman Cain and Rick Perry have both been nominated for the Guild’s prestigious “Most Promising New Comedian” award while the Guild’s, “Dick Cheney Evil Genius Award” has been suspended due to the lack of candidates.

The world’s shiniest woman, Kim Kardashian, has announced that she is seeking a divorce from brand new husband Kris Humphries, igniting the hopes of regular fellas everywhere. There has been no reason given for the demise of the union of 72 days, which could reasonably be described as brief, even if measured in dog years. Both bride and groom swear they married for love, sparking speculation that they may be splitting for the same reason. Star watchers await “The Kardashian Family Dictionary” which will be released for Christmas, to look up Kim’s definition of the word.

At a press conference in Australia coinciding with the launch of the Kardashian Handbag line, Kim and sister Chloe intimated that Kim had “worked extremely hard for several minutes” to make the marriage work.

Media cynics are suggesting that the whole wedding was just a bit of “money grubbing,” as the buxom brunette had some free time between other occasions of money grubbing.
The entire family has closed ranks around the grief stricken soon to be ex Mrs. Humphries. “Kim didn’t make a dime off the wedding,” moaned the soon to be ex mother in law of Mr. Humphries. Critics noted if that were the case it would be the first thing Kim Kardashian hasn’t made money on in a very long time.

At home in L.A. former Olympic great and Kardashian stepfather Bruce Jenner has announced that to deal with his grief over the split he’s going to have the skin on his face “stretched as tight as a tympani… again.”

A New York Post headline, “MEET THE WORST FAMILY ON EARTH,” describing Bernie Madoff's family, caused a firestorm of rage and jealousy in the media as journalists and editors the world over fumed at not having thought of the headline themselves.

Boston Globe Editor-in-Chief, Randall Bowlton explained, “Journalism is highly competitive and this sort of reaction has to be expected.” He went on, “some writers are said to be contemplating suicide, but only in the Ruth and Bernie sense, in which suicide is code for getting a good night’s sleep.”

For years now the Madoff family has kept silent about the scandal on the advice of counsel, but now daughter-in-law Stephanie has written a book called "The end of Normal". Counsel is thinking that blabbing would be okay so the Madoffs can make some dough to pay said counsel.

In her POST article Susannah Cahalan described the Madoffs as being the “most hated family in America since the Mansons.” Envious reporters accused Cahalan of “gross understatement,” and “sugar-coating it.”

Appearing on a number of national news programs to pimp the tome, the Madoff clan tried to play the sympathy card to an American public who can’t begin to imagine what the word “normal” means to a family like the Madoffs. And furthermore could give a rat's patootie that "normal" has ended for them.

Nonetheless the book is expected to sell a pile and the family is said to be pretty happy about the prospect of being rich again.

It’s come to the attention of The Tattler that Wall St. power brokers and Tea Party-ish pundits are criticizing the Occupy Wall St. (and beyond) Movement, they say, because all the protesters do is scream and yell and offer no solutions. The Tattler would like to point out that that is exactly the sort of behavior congress has been indulging in for several years now and we would cheerfully support an effort to replace every member of congress with protesters selected at random. What could go wrong? How much worse could it get?

In a report issued by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), Director Dr. Pinchard Head referred to a just completed study, conducted jointly by the University of California - Berkeley, Columbia University, and Windham College, that concluded that anyone actually wanting to run for president of the United States in 2012 would have to be psychologically unfit to hold the office. Each of the last 387 GOP presidential debates was cited as indisputable evidence of the total mental instability of the candidates.

When it was suggested that President Obama would fall into this category, Dr. Head explained that the study felt that things had not gone really great in the last three years and that the President’s run for re-election was more of an effort to stay employed in a funky economy than anything else. “What would he do next?” Dr. Head queried.

A number of White House insiders who asked not to be named, confided that President Obama, after his final term, looked forward to finally doing something honorable and productive, “like building Habitat For Humanity houses with Jimmy Carter.” Others felt that he might volunteer in the field of education. “Perhaps go to Texas and help former President Bush learn those pesky multiplication tables.”

The Tattler has concluded that in good conscience, in the upcoming 2012 elections, it can only endorse people who are not running for office.

SUPPORT A NON-CANDIDATE OF YOUR CHOICE!

The current field of Presidential hopefuls, with one exception, has decided to celebrate the Halloween holiday by masquerading as rational human beings. Some have even taken the leap of pretending to be part of the 99%.

The one candidate not joining the pack is Mitt Romney who opted to go as a “corporation,” because, “this is as close to being a person as I’ll ever get.”

For a test run, the rest of the candidates donned their “regular people” cloths, smeared themselves with garbage and went on a field trip to Wall St. to try to blend in with the “Occupy” movement. “We were told all the people down here stank. It was terrible. No one would come near us. People kept pushing us away and then the police pepper sprayed us. I’m never going to be a person again.” Rep. Michele Bachman lamented. The remaining candidates echoed Ms. Bachman’s sentiments.

In other “Occupy” news, a Denver law firm has trademarked the “Occupy Denver” slogan and threatened to sue the occupiers for copyright infringement. Other firms in other cities are expected to follow suit.

Candidate Herman Cain has indicated that we can expect to see pop-up “Godfathers Pizza” franchises at “Occupy” locations across the country. “To feed all those hungry protesters at a reasonable price. We’ll show those twerps why we’re the 1%.”

Former Speaker, Newt Gingrich is planning a book tour of “Occupy” sites with wife Callista, who is launching a new line of concrete based hair care products. “Just to make a little financial hay as long as these damn fools are all in the same place at the same time,” Gingrich chortled.

The most recent poll among Republicans shows non-candidate Rudolf Giuliani as the most favored among potential voters, with the non-living Ronald Regan coming in a close second.

In a Rose Garden press conference today President Obama announced that, beginning in May’s 2012 Sweeps period, reality TV would permanently replace reality. “ The vast majority of Americans have made it crystal clear that they prefer reality TV to their own lives.” President Obama commented.

A written statement accompanying the President’s remarks indicated that the American obsession to get on reality TV had become a force impossible to ignore, and that the will of the people would prevail. “It would behoove each and every American to spend the time between now and May getting themselves “camera ready.”

Cheers went up among the White House press corps as Vice President Biden high-fived The Situation, who was prominent among dignitaries in attendance. Mr. Situation then turned and embraced someone named Snooky who, it was announced, would replace the retiring Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, should Mr. Obama win re-election.

In a post press conference bash held at the Smithsonian Institute’s I LOVE LUCY pavilion, attendee Donald Trump gushed, “I’m going to extend a personal invitation to President Obama to compete on “Celebrity Apprentice. Given his experience I believe he’d do very, very well.”

“Dancing With the Stars” co-host Tom Bergeron commented that today’s announcement; “would leave the door wide open” for Supreme Court Justices and Cabinet members to compete on the hit ABC show. “Finally a few Americans would know who these people are!”

Writers Guild President, Tracy Winding, stated that, “TV writers all over the country are extremely excited about scripting the lives of each and every American….you didn’t think that stuff was spontaneous did you?”

The first lady indicated that she wouldn’t be averse to “kicking some ass” on “Survivor.”

The latest NBC News/Wall St. Journal poll indicated that President Obama’s approval rating has skyrocketed to an astounding 87% virtually assuring him re-election.

Several U.S. financial institutions, lead by Bank of America, have announced new charges for their credit/debit card customers. Starting on January 1, 2012 cardholders will be assessed a $250 per month fee for “getting up in the morning.” Bank of America President, Michael Irish stated, “The cost of managing individual accounts has skyrocketed since congress clamped down on some of our other B.S. fees. We’ve had to “go to the well” and think up brand new B.S. fees.

This doesn’t get any easier.” Along with the innovative “Getting Up In The Morning” fee there will also be a $200 per month, “Going To Bed At Night” surcharge. “And in the spirit of fair play,” Irish continued, “and acknowledging the fact that some of our valued customers work odd hours,” some institutions have instituted a “Third Shift” fee of $500 a month. “For the selfish bastards that go to bed in the morning and get up at night in a transparent effort to avoid paying perfectly reasonable fees.”

“In banking news that will be of interest to our non-cardholding customers,” Irish continued. “And to keep pace with retailers that have re-introduced the “layaway plan” that was popular with consumers before the credit card era. Bank of America will now be offering a layaway plan for your money.”

While it is widely believed that the rebirth of the layaway plan is a response to outlandish credit card fees, Irish seemed unfazed.
“Bank of America will now lay away your money for a fair percentage of the monies laid away. When a goal figure is met, Bank of America will then let you have some of your money back for a small fee. This will be a wonderful way for Americans to manage all their excess money with distant hope that they may see some of it again someday. God bless America, come on down!”

At that point loudspeakers began to blare the Beatles vintage hit “Taxman” while Irish, chuckling, beamed at the crowd and moonwalked off the stage.

Two striking and not totally unrelated events dominated world news today. Shortly after it was confirmed that longtime Libyan dictator, Muammar Qaddafi had been killed, troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan announced that she would seek the top spot on the Republican Presidential ticket.

During a hastily called press conference at “Shaman’s Lounge” next to the “THIS TIME I MEAN IT” rehab facility in Sherman Oaks, California, Lohan announced that, “With the death of Col .Qaddafi goes the surety that he will never resume power… I think.

This leaves a vacuum, a question mark, if you will, as to who the craziest person in the world to be running a country might be.” Lohan went on, “I don’t want Kim Jong Il to walk away with this one. America is the greatest nation ever and I believe that my election would really give us a shot.”

Lohan refused to comment when asked if she was hoping that, if elected, her time in the White House would count against her court mandated community service. According to the most recent ruling in response to Lohan’s “borrowing” of a “Blue Angels” FA-18 fighter jet, and subsequent drunken joyride around the tarmac of San Luis Obispo’s Vandenberg Air force Base, even if she were to be a two term president, Lohan would still be dishing up soup at a Malibu homeless shelter till the year 2057.

Reactions from the current field of hopeful candidates was mixed. While former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, asked “if Miss Lohan was dating anyone,” Governors Romney and Perry were hoping for a rational voice in future debates. Representative Michele Bachman quipped that it “would be nice to have a girlfriend on the campaign trail to party with,” and, “who is this Qaddafi guy?” Press Secretary, Jay Carney, described the White House response to Lohan’s announcement as, “baffled.”

In an angry statement, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied any dealings with the billionaire, American, Koch brothers. “We have some standards! What’s wrong with you people.” While being evasive about plotting the murder of foreign diplomats on American soil, on the subject of the Koch brothers Ahmadinejad was adamant, “There are some things you just don’t do, some people you just don’t buddy up to.” Ahmadinejad, clearly a wronged and insulted man, shook with emotion during the diatribe.

Back in the U.S. when asked for a reaction to Ahmadinejad’s rant, a spokesman for the Koch brothers stated, “sure Mahmoud’s a #@%&bag, but his checks clear, ha ha.”

In a brief appearance in the Rose Garden, President Obama and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, agreed that Ahmadinejad was, indeed, a #@%&bag and then made some kind of “pot, kettle, black,” analogy in regard to the Koch brothers.

When the GOP field of presidential hopeful frontrunners was polled, Herman Cain suggested that Tehran would be fertile ground for pizza franchises. Rep. Michele Bachman pointed out that if you turned the name Ahmadinejad upside down it turned into the number 666, “and you all know what that means.”

Governor Mitt Romney stated that the economy has affected everyone, “crazy people too!” And that even rich people could be unemployed, “Look, I’m worth 200 million dollars and I’m unemployed.” When asked what that had to do with Iran and Ahmadinejad, Romney admitted he didn’t know.

Texas Governor Rick Perry deferred comment to his spiritual advisor Pastor Rick Jefferies. Jefferies stated, “Iran isn’t a religion, it’s a cult. They have their own bible and everything.”

Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, mulled over what the heck his wife has been putting on her hair.

Trading on the stock exchange came to a screeching halt today, paralyzing Wall St. and financial markets across the globe.

Accomplishing what thousands of protesters have failed to do in weeks of occupation, trading on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange came to an instantaneous halt when broker Robert Braudington discovered an exact likeness of Kenneth Lay toasted onto a bagel (plain with butter) he was about to bite into. “I can’t believe how close I came to eating it!” Braudington lamented.

Upon recognizing the likeness of Mr. Lay, the stunned trader immediately dropped to his knees and began to wail and pray. Whispers rippled across the floor of the exchange like a shockwave as fellow traders converged on Braudington and the miracle bagel. All transactions stopped as the assembled multitude bowed, prayed and wept.

In a statement choked with emotion, the president of the NYSE announced that the stock exchange would be closed until further notice, while emissaries from the Vatican, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and some crackpot cult from Southern California converge on lower Manhattan to investigate the miracle.

Those who were present say they experienced an epiphany unlike anything since Gordon Gekko pronounced, “Greed is Good.” In other markets bagel futures soared.
While the Pope is reserving comment on the miracle, English muffins have replaced bagels on the Vatican breakfast menu.

Throngs have crowded into St. Peter's Square demanding a fast track to sainthood for Lay. Veteran Vatican watchers speculate that it is unlikely that we’ll see a “Saint Kenneth the Misunderstood” in the very near future, but they’re optimistic about his chances in the longer haul. “First the investigation, then the canonization,” commented one unidentified cleric. “I’m calling Vegas as soon as I get out of here and putting my money on 2015.”

In a stunning display of pushback, dozens of Wall Street brokers have “occupied” Manhattan’s Greenwich Village neighborhood. BMW’s and shiny new Mercedes Benz automobiles took every available parking space for blocks as Gucci shod metrosexuals milled about Washington Square park in Armani suits, chanting and carrying signs pronouncing, “We Are The One Percent, Go #@%& Yourselves!”

While some carried placards, others carried effigies of nascent Saint Bernie Madoff, tacked to a cross, fashioned from the bodies of the whiners who objected to his theft of their life savings. Chants of “free Bernie, free Bernie” rose from the protesters, some openly wept when reminded of the fate of the great man. One young broker with an exquisite manicure and reeking of $500 oz. cologne observed, “If it can happen to Mr. Madoff, who is safe?” One nearby, urine soaked street person commented that he’d, “never seen so many great haircuts in one place!”

Among the university students, street people and drug dealers who watched, stunned, with mouths agape, was literary legend Tom Wolfe, author of the 1987 bestselling novel “Bonfire of the Vanities.” Wolfe, who used the term “masters of the universe” to describe the commodity traders and brokers who seem to be currently out of favor, was visibly shaken. “I thought it was bad back in ’87. Look at this. These suckers wouldn’t even make, “Dinks of the Solar System.” Slowly shaking his head and staring down at his natty wingtips he continued, “my next book is going to be called “Campfire of the Weasels.”

The urine soaked street person offered that, “the fifteenth century tradition of burning objects that might tempt one to sin seems to be lost on these fellas.” He then vomited on himself and passed out. Wolfe took notes.

Washington – The National Council On Fisical Phitness (NCOFP) has announced the release of its latest workout video NAPERCISE. In a statement accompanying the roll out of the new MeMeMeTube video, NCOFP spokesman Milton Snoozer admonished, “Americans are enduring a panoply of injuries at the hands of sadistic “personal trainers” using exotic, high-tech, torture devices in places called “health clubs.” Exhaustion, perspiration, abrasions, and even occasional bruising have been reported.

While it’s important to offset a steady diet of Big Mac’s with a large order of fries with some sort of physical activity beyond chewing and blinking, the council feels that people are overdoing it to the point of obsession. The average American is now only 200 lbs. overweight.” Snoozer continued, “We have an obligation to the rest of the world after exporting “McDonald’s and KFC, we have to set things to right.”

In its campaign to get folks to settle down a little bit, the NCOFP has enlisted the aid of
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Recognized as often for being “eye candy” as for being chief executive of the Garden State and quasi-presidential candidate, Christie stated that he was, “proud to have been recruited for this noble cause.”

Filmed in the Governor’s mansion, on his favorite couch, the video takes the viewer through a series of NAPERCISE positions from the basic “prone” and “supine” to the more advanced “semi-reclined” and beyond. These activities are accompanied by a soothing soundtrack that includes such hits as: “Groping For the Remote,” “That Pizza Isn’t Going to Put Itself in the Microwave,” and the inspirational, “Oh God, the Phone’s Ringing and it’s Way Over There.”

The MeMeMeTube video will be available on line by weeks end.

When asked to comment on Christie’s new star turn, Treetops Tattler publisher, P. Martin Shoemaker quenched a cigar in his protein shake.

Steve Daley, who contributed numerous front page stories as The Treetops Tattler's Washington Bureau Chief, left us Sunday for the highest branches of that great tree in the sky. We will all miss him dearly. - The Treetops Tattler staff.

See Steve Daley's obit below.

Like the best reporters, Steve Daley could talk to anyone about anything, but unlike a lot of daily scribes, he could also write about anything.

In his 20-plus years as a journalist — including 15 at the Chicago Tribune — he covered sports, media and politics, even the occasional music review.

“Even when he started out in sports, he was a guy who always had a huge interest in everything,” said Mr. Daley’s friend, Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich. “He was just somebody whose mind was broad enough to understand that everything is everything else. The distinction between sports and politics really isn’t that big.”

Mr. Daley died Sunday after being admitted to Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington, Va., said his wife, Jane Daley. The cause of death was unknown Monday. Mr. Daley was 62.

Mr. Daley — who was born in Corning, N.Y., in 1948 — started doing free-lance pieces while working as a bartender at the Class Reunion bar in Washington, D.C. He went on to write for the Peninsula Times Tribune in Palo Alto, Calif., where Schmich was also a writer in 1980. At the Chicago Tribune, he covered sports, media, the U.S Congress and Bill Clinton’s presidential campaigns, among other assignments.

“Steve Daley was maybe the wittiest, most incisive, most see-through-the-bull---- kind of person and journalist I’ve known,” said another friend, Chicago Sun-Times columnist Carol Marin.

From the mid-1990s on, Mr. Daley worked in public relations in Washington, D.C., specializing in helping companies deal with media enquiries, his wife said.

“He did have an affinity for the written word,” Jane Daley said. “He loved reading books, magazines — you name it. He was a great writer. He could turn a phrase that would hit you in the gut, make you laugh or make you cry.”

In addition to his wife, survivors include a sister, Maribeth Daley of Toronto; an aunt; one uncle, and several cousins.

A remembrance celebration is being planned, Mr. Daley’s wife said.

--------
Story by Stefano Esposito Staff Reporter/sesposito@suntimes.com
www.suntimes.com/news/metro/8021106-418/steve-daley-chicago-tribune-journalist-dies.html?print=true 2/2 Copyright © 2011 — Sun-Times Media, LLC

Following the World Health Organization’s findings last week indicating that cell phone radiation is “possibly carcinogenic,” the UN agency has uncovered even more evidence of nefarious effects of mobile phone usage.
The health agency’s subsequent report outlines a direct link between cell phone radiation waves and a spike in climate change, as well as the general surge in post-supper indigestion among middle-class American families.
“Through exhaustive study and consultation, we believe that the photons of the cellular-phonic pan-ions have a festibular effect on the earth’s atmosphere and ozone layer, and that the bio-chemical causes of heartburn can be traced straight back to frequent use of the new line of iPhones,” said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chun with her standard dogged confidence. “I’m sure there is probably just about as much evidence for this as there is for that brain tumor-y thing.”
These UN reports, however, have not stopped people from jumping up to defend the telephonic mode of convenience.
“It’s true cell phones have gotten a real bad rap lately,” wrote the president of the Cell Phone Apologist Association in a statement to the Tattler. “But, hey, what other device will allow you to text whilst operating a Hummer down the freeway?”
Regardless, this matter remains a hugely controversial one within the international scientific community. And, on a related note, the Department of State has recently found a link between E. coli outbreaks in Germany and Saddam Hussein.

In the Tattler’s never ending quest to keep our readers on the cutting edge, the paper’s crack investigative unit has been doing some digging.

Cub reporter and part-time soccer blogger Bob Woodhead has discovered a local man so old that he remembers both Pan Am airlines and the Playboy Club.

TV watchers will note that new, nostalgic and soon-to-be-canceled prime-time series on both Pan Am and the Playboy Club have turned up on the broadcast networks this season.

“It’s true,” Don Dropo told the Tattler. “I flew Pan Am back in ’63, back before air travel became a gut-wrenching nightmare. Flew from New York to Miami. Had a nice Beef Wellington dinner. No charge for the carry-on. Are you kidding me?”

That same year, Dropo visited the Playboy Club in Chicago – the original nightspot opened in 1960 by 211-year old Playboy founder Hugh Hefner.

“My boss took me there, or at least that’s what I told my wife,” Dropo said. “ Pretty girls. And pretty racy outfits for 1963. But, looking back, they were wearing more clothes than the average college freshman. I think we had the Beef Wellington.”

Pan Am and the Playboy Clubs both shut down operations in 1991, though you won’t hear about that on prime time. A few Playboy Clubs have reopened since 2006, but Pan Am is as long gone as Allegheny Airlines and the Eastern Airlines shuttle.

“You could tell me things are better now,” Drapo said, “but you’d be full of Beef Wellington.”

Just the other day, right there in New York City, a fancy restaurant with a name you can’t pronounce added a baby in a stroller to a party of five so they could charge the automatic gratuity for a party of six.

The customers beefed about it but the folks in the restaurant, who will probably have their own cable TV show soon, didn’t back down.

Around Treetops, local purveyors and those in the hospitality industry take their tipping seriously, though not without a sense of humor.

Veteran mixologist Grant Marnier, who is not fond of being quoted in a newspaper, likes to remind his regulars that his friendship cannot be bought.

“It can be rented, though,” he told the Tattler.

Marnier does appreciate a little something for the effort and ongoing failure to pony up a decent gratuity can lead to long periods of empty glasses and verbal abuse for his patrons.

At Roz’s, the proprietor chose not to discuss her views on tipping, or on much of anything else. However, her regulars have learned that a 20 percent investment when the check arrives tends to make the diner experience run more smoothly.

“I never saw Roz chase anyone into the parking lot for stiffing her on the tip,” said one regular who begged not to be identified. “But she has certain ways of making her feelings known.”

And the baby stroller trick? “Frankly,” said the nervous regular, “I’ve never known anyone crazy enough to bring a baby stroller into Roz’s.”

With more than 20 Republican presidential debates on the television schedule for the Fall, Mrs. Spekin’s third grade class at the Horse and Hound Country Day School outside Treetops is anxious to play host to its own debate.

“We have some questions and our parents vote, at least some of them do, so we think it would be swell if all the candidates showed up,” said Kendra, a vocal third grader.

Pressing issues for the eight- and nine-year-olds include the stresses of the multiplication tables and long division, U.S. history and the whole atoms and molecules thing.

“I watched one of the debates with my parents,” said Kendra, “and there were mostly some white dudes and this one woman. They talked a lot about ‘Obamacare,’ whatever that is.

“We think they should talk to us about homework and staying after school and their favorite juice boxes and fast foods; stuff like that.”

Thinking ahead, the third-graders figure one of the TV networks they watch could show the debate, perhaps Nickelodeon or one of the PBS kids’ programming segments.

“Most of us like have to be in bed like really early,” said Kendra’s classmate, Zak, “so they can’t be waiting around until like 9 o’clock to do this.”

Several students had suggestions for a debate moderator, a list that included Spongebob Squarepants, Miley Cyrus and “that old guy on PBS.”

“It would be cool,” Zak told the Tattler, “as long as the people running for President don’t act like a bunch of second graders.”

The booth in Roz’s was chockablock with football fantasy league nerds, knocking over their light beers, fiddling with their iPads and pocket calculators, arguing about tight ends.

The National Football League season was bearing down and before the first ankle sprain or missed field goal, the stat boys and stat girls were getting ready.

“I need a backup quarterback and reserve running back in case the guy I picked winds up in the witness protection program,” said Teddy, who plays in three fantasy leagues when his boss isn’t paying attention.

It’s estimated that nearly 20 million Americans are involved in some sort of football fantasy league, where real NFL players are drafted by bored software salesmen, bartenders and lawyers who compile their statistics and, well, compile their statistics.

“It’s a time waster of epic proportions,” said popular NFL fantasy league blogger Knute Romney. “Better than cruising Facebook. Better than watching Chaz Bono try to dance or checking out the ‘Ice Road Truckers’ marathon on cable.”

One theory on the booming popularity of fantasy leagues is that the actual football has gotten pretty darn boring.

“The Washington Redskins are taking seats out of their 90,000 seat stadium,” said Romney. “TV ratings are pretty good but fewer and fewer people are going to the actual games.

“If you don’t call Vegas and bet on the games or draft your own team and keep score that way, well, all you’re left with is Oakland versus Charlotte. Hey, I’d rather watch a presidential debate.”

Now that the once-formidable likes of Gingrich and Huckabee have been purged from the Republican 2012 maelstrom, a fresh face has swooped in to pick at the Grand Old political leftovers.
Perennial favorite Christopher Walken is officially hot on the campaign trail.

“If that freakin’ wiseguy Donald Trump can do it, Christopher Walken definitely f@&king can,” Mr. Walken said as he announced his Republican presidential bid at a Deer Hunter-themed press conference. “And that Romney fella better watch his back before I politically do to him what I literally did to David Caruso in King of New York, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Walken also discussed his patented ideology—aptly dubbed “Walkenalism” by the mainstream press—as well as his political positions:

“My stance on gay marriage is drawn from the film version of that fabulous musical Hairspray, my foreign policy is taken directly from Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow, and my position on gutting Medicare and privatizing social security would mirror the content of my famous and hilarious monologue from Pulp Fiction.

Rumors of potential running mates are patchy at this point, but sources on Walken’s campaign staff have told the Tattler that the candidate is considering tapping John Travolta but “only if he agrees to wear that funny fat suit at the RNC and speak like a song-and-dance Baltimore housewife the whole f@&king time.”

Public health officials are increasingly concerned about the mental well being of television reporters who have spent the last week or so covering Hurricane Irene as it barreled along the East Coast.

”A lot of these people are clearly over excited about their computer models,” said TV psychologist Ivan Isobars.

“We like to call it ‘weather porn,’ if you know what I’m saying, and I think you do. They seem to like bad weather a little too much.”

Isobars is concerned that an adult would stand outside in the teeth of a Category One hurricane and scream into a microphone about the strong winds, rip tides and teeming rain while telling viewers to stay inside.

As the hurricane moved north over the weekend, on-air weather mavens jumped quickly to discussions of “nightmare scenarios,” including the Godzilla-like destruction of Manhattan Island through the dreaded “storm surge.”

That didn’t happen, a development that seemed to disappoint some of the more rabid Weather Channelers.

Said Isobars: “I saw a woman on TV who said that power company officials were working 16 hours a day, around the clock. Well, which is it? There are still 24 hours in a day, even on cable TV.”

Some viewers told the Tattler that during the storm they had opted to watch a PBS special on skunks or aging actresses sell their jewelry.

Said viewer Kurt Flood: “Basically, I think that anyone on TV who uses and reuses phrases like ’hunker down’ and ‘dodged a bullet’ should be beaten senseless. Get inside!”

The Iowa state fair is winding down and the Ames, Iowa Republican presidential straw poll is in the barn for another election cycle.

Presidential hijinks will continue in other states but if you missed getting your complimentary “beef sundae” at the fairgrounds, you may have to wait until 2015.

Time will tell if the Hawkeye State has revealed the GOP presidential nominee for next year. But if you were looking for a heart attack on a plate, well, you came to the right state fair.

A beef sundae, if you have been avoiding the network TV newscasts of late, is pretty much what it sounds like. A scoop or two of mashed potato is adorned with chunks of beef (hey, it’s Iowa) and swamped in beef gravy.

A cherry tomato sits atop the steaming concoction so it looks kind of like, well, you know.

“There is no evidence the founding fathers and mothers enjoyed the beef sundae,” said presidential historian Harold Des Moines. “Especially since Iowa didn’t get into the Union until 1846. But it’s a proud tradition here, kind of like getting federal subsidies to grow corn.”

Iowa nutritionist Patty Arbuckle thinks the beef sundae gets too much national media attention.

“We’ve got your corn dogs, of course,”’ she said. “And fried Twinkies are a big hit with the younger set, although I think I saw Mitt Romney noshing on one over the weekend. And - my favorite - you can still get a cinnamon roll as big as your head.

Leaders in the newspaper industry are expressing concern about a sudden lack of truly stupid and pointless news stories, many involving celebrities.

Horace Googly, executive director of the National Organization of Newspaper Editors (NONE), told the group’s annual meeting in Winnemucca, Nevada that modern newsgathering had reached a crisis point:

“We haven’t seen a good Lindsay Lohan courtroom story in months. And when was the last time we had a two- or three-day yarn about Paris Hilton getting married or divorced or falling down outside a nightclub? Ladies and gentlemen, these stories have been the backbone of our profession.”

Googly mourned the recent disappearance of babbling, fall-down actor Charlie Sheen and the failed presidential campaign of New Jersey annoyance Donald Trump.

“Where the heck is Kirstie Alley?” Googly wondered aloud. “Has she lost any more weight? Or gained it all back? It doesn’t matter. As a professional celebrity she has a responsibility to say or do something stupid.”

Googly told the overflow crowd of journalists, many of whom were drinking heavily, that the demise of Oprah’s television show had damaged the national news cycle.

“You could always count on some halfwit actress bursting into tears over her divorce,” he said. “Or Oprah would suddenly recall some traumatic childhood incident of her own and that would keep us going.”

Googly dismissed the idea that the Great Recession had pushed celebrity journalism to the side.

“Nah,” he said. “Stupid doesn’t go away. We’ve learned that. I predict we’ll see Lindsay in court very soon.”

Law enforcement officials tell the Tattler that longtime Treetops financial adviser Herbert Luver has locked himself inside his downtown office with a bottle of Irish whiskey, a travel magazine and a pocket calculator.

“He went in there about lunch time,” said his executive assistant, Maude Barker. “He was mumbling something about the stock market not being connected to the economy.”

Before locking the door, Luver left this message on this answering machine:

“I tried to take this stuff seriously, went to school and everything. The stock market went down 400 points, then it went up 400 points, then it went down 500 points. I was telling my clients that if those pinheads in Washington made a deal on the debt ceiling, this wouldn’t happen. I might as well advise them to bet their life savings on jai alai games or pro wrestling.”

Maude Barker expressed concern that Luver might jump out his office window, as has happened in other celebrated stock market collapses.

But police sources note than his office is on the ground floor, so they are discounting that possibility.

“Herb likes to get in nine holes of golf on a nice day,” said one of his clients, watching his IRA dissolve over Wall Street. “I figure he’ll snap out of it around cocktail hour.”

Maude Barker was worried about Luver. But she said that after years of listening to her boss’s advice and diversifying her investment portfolio, she was putting her money in a big sack and moving to northern Wales.

Once again, our ivy-covered College of Treetops (COT) has failed to make the Forbes magazine list of the 650 or so best colleges in the United States.

Assistant Dean for Global Communications Charles “Mister” Chips reacted quickly to the bad news: “Who reads that darn magazine anyway? I haven’t read a magazine in years and neither have you.”

Still, some of Treetops leading citizens were by upset by the slight, as were a few students slurping decaf lattes at Hill of Beans, a popular campus hangout.

“It’s pretty bogus, dude,” said Ashton, an Interdisciplinary Studies major. “That article as all graduation rates and teacher pay. What about relaxed and groovy?”

For the lunch crowd down at Roz’s, the grades were lower.

“I never figured the place was Stanford or Princeton or North Carolina,” said Verne, a retired short-haul trucker. “But they got some schools on that list I never heard of. And we still ain’t on it. Where the heck is St. Olaf’s?”

School officials are considering the formation of a blue-ribbon Task Force to upgrade COT for the next Forbes listing.

“We’ll look at everything,” said Mr. Chips. “The co-ed dorms, the free parking, the online classes where you never have to get out of bed.

“We noticed a lot of schools on the list don’t have majors in bartender science or contemporary Christian music, so we’ll look into that.

The Task Force is expected to take up work as soon as the entire school returns from the beach at Panama City, Fla.

President Obama turns 50 this week and the Chief Executive will probably sit down to a reasonable meal in his hometown of Chicago, savoring a low-cholesterol, low-fat feast pre-approved by the First Lady and the White House internist.

Recent events on Capitol Hill will perhaps dampen presidential enthusiasm for the benchmark birthday but, like the rest of us, Obama has no say in the matter.

“50 is nothing,” said “Aging Sucks” blogger and 62-year-old crank Matt Methuselah. “50 is for wimps. I could turn 50 standing on my head, except for the dizzy spells.”

Methuselah recommends the President mark the half century milestone by tucking into a few vodka martinis, a deep-dish Chicago style pizza and wrapping it all up with a few cigarettes and maybe a big ‘ol Cognac.

“What, he’s going to live forever?” the blogger growled.

Others counsel caution as the President waits for the White House mailbox to fill up with stuff from AARP.

“Let’s be honest, the Prez looks good for his age,” said celebrity gerontologist Florian Grey, “except for when he plays golf in those little cargo shorts.”

Grey noted that actor George Clooney turned 50 this year: “So that’s one end of the spectrum. But you don’t want a President who looks like one of the Rolling Stones.”

Experts sought out by the Tattler predict that Obama can look forward to a future with more afternoon naps and more trouble remembering the name of the junior Senator from Idaho.

“Welcome to my world, Mr. President,” said Methuselah.

We left Harry Potter and his boarding school in steaming ruins as the curtain came down on the wizard franchise, Hogwarts and evil Lord Whathisname.

With the Potter saga folded and the Quidditch team off to Brunei having signed a lucrative, multi-year contract with the Sultan, the real estate appeal of the spooky old barn has London real estate moguls in a spell.

“Well, it’s in Scotland, I think, and that’s a bit of problem, if you know what I’m saying,” said Ian St. Porkpie, a realtor in posh St. John’s Wood.

“Tough for the London weekend commute and the nearest airport is, I don’t know, Glasgow? Hardly ideal, old sport.”

Still, St. Porkpie is optimistic about the allure of Black Lake and other parts of the vast and goofy Hogwarts estate.

“We think the Owlery has definite condo possibilities, once we get the cleaning crew in there,” he told the Tattler, “and the Chamber of Secrets has some mold issues. But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

“The Forbidden Forest is another issue,” St. Porkpie went on. “If we could guarantee some unicorn sightings that would help. But the fact is the place is full of drooling three-headed dogs and giant spiders and is a tad depressing.”

Another London realtor is thinking British Open.

“I see an 18-hole golf course with time shares, out where the old Quidditch pitch was,” he said. “Maybe call it Royal Dumbledore or Gryffindor Hills.”

Harry, Hermione and Ron could not be reached for comment.

Here’s a news flash: It’s hot. It’s been so hot that tigers at a Boston zoo were given blood-flavored popsicles as treats, an image that might unnerve Stephen King.

Zookeepers were giving frozen bananas to monkeys, which was cool, and polar bears were getting frozen fish.

You Tube took a break from airing videos of kitties snuggling with wolverines to show a 24-year-old horse that had figured out a way to manipulate a lawn sprinkler with a hoof and make sure his equine colleagues stayed hot and dry while he basked in the shower.

The National Weather Service says more than 1000 heat records were broken around the U.S. in July. In Kansas, a farm couple lost more than 4000 50-pound turkeys to the heat.

Meanwhile, Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, where your luggage lives, got seven inches of rain in less than 24 hours. That’s the record, folks, which they started keeping in 1871, when the first Mayor Daley was elected.

And in the Atacama Desert (uh, huh) region in Chile, where the average yearly rainfall is 0.04 inches, the locals just got about six feet of snow.

The good news is that none of these hellacious events are in any way related.

That’s the official position of Noah Zark, meteorologist at the Climate Ignorance Is Bliss Institute in Pahrump, Nevada, on the edge of Death Valley.

“Facts and figures are interesting,” said Zark, “but not to us. Ultimately we feel it’s probably all Al Gore’s fault.”

A five-man presidential commission of broken down ex-U.S. Senators will soon announce changes to the annual Congressional baseball game.

The just-competed 2011 game – the 50th rendition - was considered a success, unmarked by acts of physical violence between Democrats and Republicans.

But sources say the game has to change in the current toxic DC environment. Many of the elected participants say they want the game to continue but do not want to appear on the same field at the same time with their opponents.

“That’s how we handle everything in Congress these days,” said one distinguished Member.

“For the commission we figured we’d get a bunch of dandruffy old legislators who have been sitting in law firms on K Street for years,” said a Congressional official who asked that his name be kept out of the lineup. “It’s not like they’re doing anything.”

“Commissions are great,” said Washington DC blogger Erin Burr. “In the nation’s capital they are as common as the humidity. Deficit commissions, Social Security commissions, military base closing commissions. Nothing ever happens.”

Sen. Batson D. Belfry, who has represented Treetops for many, many years, thinks that the no-contact approach could be a problem for the ball game. But he supports the Commission.

“Of course I have been unable to actually play in the game in recent years, under doctor’s orders,” said the Senator.

“But the festivities due afford me the opportunity to meet with certain petroleum company folks and other grateful supporters, if you know what I’m saying.”

News that a small restaurant outside Pittsburgh had barred children under the age of six went through Roz’s Roost like the health inspectors.

“I just don’t know what those horrible people must be thinking,” said Marigold, a local stay-at-home mom who was shoveling scrambled eggs into the mouths of her adorable triplets.

“Who doesn’t like the sound of happy, active children enjoying a happy family dining experience?”

Behind the counter, local culinary legend and longtime Treetops diner proprietress Roz wasn’t saying much.

“Love the kids,” she told the Tattler. “Just love them.”

Over the years, it has been rumored that Roz was prepared to bar college students, college dropouts, lawyers, bikers, newspaper reporters, food critics, local politicians, girls in middle school named Kendra, drunken softball teams and members of her own immediate family.

“All are welcome here at Roz’s,” she told the Tattler. “Taken a look at the economy lately?”

Without a Casey Anthony style trial to cover this week, cable television jumped at the decision by a restaurateur in Monroeville, PA. to keep out the kiddies on a permanent basis.

The owner guaranteed himself a shot on “60 Minutes” when he suggested that “increasingly bad manners” on the part of the younger set played a role in his decision.

He pointed out that the restaurant had never offered a children’s menu and that it backs up against a golf driving range.

“Not sure how many six year olds would actually use the driving range,” Roz noted.

From his perch on a grate near the Metro station not far from the White House, Jay Jay was considering his luncheon options.

A lifelong resident of the Federal City, Jay Jay has been dining at metallic food dispensaries by the curb since Jimmy Carter was a good idea.

“We used to call them roach coaches,” he told the Tattler. “Lord, that kinda talk will get you in trouble with the food critics nowadays.

“A chili dog or a half smoke and a grape soda, that was my idea of a good time. Maybe a bag of Cheese Doodles, if I was feeling flush.”

These days, Jay Jay has more menu options than an Iron Chef, if he has sufficient capital.

“Lobster rolls are the big thing these days,” he snorts. “Lawyers who charge $600 an hour are standing outside next to a van, sweating into their suits, buying a lobster roll and pretending they’re in Bar Harbor, Maine, I guess.”

“Well, your friend Jay Jay is not exactly the target audience for this culinary revolution,” said Georgetown foodie blogger Jacques Daniels.

“My prediction is that the Grilled Cheese Truck, so popular in L.A., will be making its way soon to the nation’s capital.”

Food by the truck is here to stay, he insists. Indian food. Tacos. Trucks with Korean food. Trucks with French fries only. Vegan only. Wraps. BBQ. Fusion.

Jay Jay wonders if Fusion means a chili dog.

“I’m thinking maybe a cupcake,” he says. “Truck should be along shortly.”

The runaway success of a picture book about rhesus monkeys befriending sea gulls and Bernese Mountain dogs hanging out with cockatoos has the Hollywood film community itching and scratching.

The book, “Unlikely Friendships,” depicts scenes of affection, bosom buddyism and can’t-we-all-just-get-along compatibility among animals that generally coexist about as well as Newt Gingrich and everybody else in the world.

The book raced to the top of the Amazon listings faster than a cheetah chasing after its lunch, unless of course the cheetah had become BFFs with an antelope.

Hey, it could happen. Looking at sales, the book publishing industry is circling the food bowl.

“You could read the latest book on Oprah’s list or you could look at pictures of a greyhound watching TV with an owl,” said book blogger Marlin Parkins. “Your call.”

“Unlikely Friendships” and the avalanche of cute animal videos on the Google machine have Tinsel Town moguls booking lunches to talk about pooches.

There are rumors that the film school at UCLA has received a grant from Fancy Feast to establish a graduate program in making films solely about adorable kitties.

Steven Spielberg is reported in negotiations to produce an epic, three-hour portrayal of a Chihuahua that thinks it’s a sheep dog, or something.

“Woody Allen, Spike Lee, James Cameron, the guy who makes these ‘Transformer’ movies - it may be time for some of these established directors to start thinking about our four-legged friends,” said one Hollywood source.

Rin Tin Tin – call your agent.

Kirstie Alley is missing.

Sources tell the Tattler that the longtime sitcom actress, minor movie presence and incessant flack for all known weight loss plans has lost so much weight over the last 20-odd years that she has officially disappeared.

“Just based on the TV commercials and the interviews with Oprah and everyone else, you have to figure Ms. Alley lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 490 pounds,” said diet plan blogger Ernie Avoirdupois.

In 2004, as memories of “Cheers” began to fade, a bulked up Ms. Alley became celebrity spokeswoman for a national weight loss chain, the one where they send the dietary chicken Kiev to your house.

Two years later, having lost a reported 75 pounds, she waltzed on to Oprah’s talk show set and showed off her new svelte form in a red bikini.

From that point on, Ms. Alley became the go-to personality for trimming the fat, despite the emergence of Valerie Bertinelli as a potential rival.

In 2010 Ms. Alley converted to an organic weight loss plan and started her own company.

From there it as on to “Dancing With the Stars,” where she told the various “Access” channels and ex-models with microphones that she lost 60 pounds getting ready for the show and 30 more while dancing.

“I lost six dress sizes!” Ms. Alley told the red-carpet press.

Since then, nothing. But weight-loss guru Avoirdupois is optimistic:

“We expect to see Kirstie back, bigger than ever, real soon.”

Retired school bus driver and part-time cafeteria worker Selma Mallard has opened a new boutique in Treetops, out near the Gigundo Box Store off the Interstate.

A first-time business owner, Mallard told the Tattler that she got the idea for “Side Effects” by watching television.

“My hubby and I watch a lot of TV and we see just an awful lot of commercials for this drug and that drug and expensive things that are supposed to help you,” she said.

“A lot of them sound kind of scary.”

Selma noticed that in many of the TV commercials, the part where the actors told you what could go wrong was at least as long as the medical miracle being described and sold.

“My goodness,” she exclaimed. “Earaches, internal bleeding, weight loss, agitation, dizziness, hair loss, fatigue, nausea, skin rashes, stinging pain - I hate that one - muscle twitching, dry mouth, depression, shortness of breath, inability to stand for more than 30 minutes.

“I have to say that one of the pills my hubby takes makes him a little gassy.”

At Side Effects, customers have a one-stop outlet for checking out the medical surprises that might land you in the ambulance.

“We just took the drugs and the side effects, put the whole thing in alphabetical order and we’re good to go,” Ms. Mallard said.

The proprietor says she’s recruited longtime school nurse Birdie Ratchet, now retired, to consult on medical matters and to answer questions. Birdie will wear her old uniform.

The Tattler is disheartened to report that the 47th annual reunion of the Treetops Regional High School Class of 1964 has been canceled due to lack of interest.

The event was scheduled for mid-July, with a cash-bar reception at Roz’s diner, a nine-hole “scramble” at the Treetops Municipal Golf Links & Arcade and a buffet dinner with salad bar at Judy’s Smokin’ B-B-Q and Hookah Lounge on Route 17.

“Well, the whole thing just went Dixie in a hurry,” said class president Woody Merganser.

“We had pretty good turnouts the first 20 or 30 years and we thought the new Facebook page would help. But even most of the locals said they were taking a pass.”

Lifelong Treetops resident Indigo McBunting, a former cheerleader and class treasurer, said she is disappointed but not surprised.

“Some of the folks moved away to the big city, places like Shreveport and they got a little big for their britches,” she said.

One class member who asked not to be identified said he had heard all the stories, seen all the pictures of the grandkids and learned about all the hip replacements.

“If you’re retired you have to tell everybody about it until their head explodes and if you’re not retired, you have to explain why,” he told the Tattler. “I couldn’t take it another year.”

Woody Merganser says a few of the alums plan on getting some drinks at Roz’s on reunion night.

“I’m getting a hip replacement in November,” he said. “Want to let everyone know about that.”

A grown man is poised 25 feet or so above a plastic wading pool filled with about a foot of water. He is in a television studio and is surrounded by an aging comedian, the wife of a gone-to-seed rock star and a British newsreader named Piers, or something.

They are all part of a wildly popular TV show called “America’s Got Talent.” And when Professor does his face plant in the kiddie pool, millions of viewers who are skipping the chance to watch the NBA playoffs, could not be more pleased or entertained.

It makes you wonder.

The diver, known cleverly as Professor Splash, is said to be pursuing a world record in, well, jumping into shallow kiddie pools without expiring.

“The great thing about it is that almost no one on the show has any actual talent,” said reality TV blogger and celebrity analyst Louie Gagah.

Fans of the same prime time show are enchanted by the recent antics of 6-year-old Lil’ T, aka Tanner, who cavorts onstage in a routine dubbed “the worm” by enthused TV critics.

The crowd goes wild.

“There is a rumor that Lil’ T is in fact a 32-year-old small person and professional tap dance from the Jersey Shore,” said Ted Macke, President of the Institute of Declining Talent in South Lake Tahoe.

“He does more than jump into a kiddie pool, of course, but it’s not exactly Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Not sure why, but something has gone terribly wrong.”

Down at Roz’s Roost, lunchtime reaction to the government’s latest attempt to tell us how to eat was as mixed as the vegetables.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s spiffy new food guide is out and the old “food pyramid,” which looked like a postage stamp from Mars, has gone the way of the McDLT.

At Roz’s, Ed Earl, who works on the loading dock down at the GiGundo Family Store, figures a government that is trillions of dollars in debt must know something about healthy eating.

The new design is a dinner plate, cleverly called “My Plate.Gov.” Four sections drawn from the glory days of Swanson’s TV dinners, call out “Fruits,” “Grains,” “Protein” and “Vegetables.” A small circle dubbed “Dairy”
cozies up to the plate.

“Seems like that would have been a good place to put the coffee,” said Ed Earl. “I don’t drink a whole lot of milk myself, but Ed Earl Jr., gets his portion every morning when he pours it on that bowl of Toasty Sugar Bombs.”

Ed Earl did have a few pressing questions about MyPlate.

“I’m not real sure where the chips go on this plate,” he said, “and I definitely don’t see a spot for barbecue. That’s a federal issue. No question.”

However, Treetops school nutritionist Wilma “Peaches” Cobbler seemed pleased enough to eat a bowl of steamed broccoli.

“Well, it looks just like the wet cafeteria trays we put the food on,” Cobbler said. “You know, a nice tuna melt with a side of mac and cheese.”

BRUSSELS - The International Task Force on Social Media, Social Networking and Kitty Videos has emerged from Plenary Session with a series of planetary recommendations for the 731 bajillion current users of Facebook.

“Because we are cool, we in the global digital community simply felt we had to get a handle on Facebook usage,” said Task Force spokesfriend Craig Liszt.

“We are putting forth some simple rules to make the social networking experience less idiotic.”

Do you “Like?”

1) The changing of profile pictures will be limited to 12 switches in a calendar year. Exemptions will be made for pics of your Mom.

2) Facebook “friends” will be sorted in order of preference, from “really like” to “not since the reunion in ‘89” to “huh?” to “creepy.”

3) Posting of hideous puns and moronic limericks will heretofore be bundled into a Worldwide Hideous Pun/Moronic Limerick Page.

4) If you just got to work or just got home from work and you are not family or a member of the military in harm’s way: Don’t care.

5) Consider this, people: If you get a posting from Michelle Obama or George Clooney or Prince William that says the attached video will be embarrassing to you, personally, it is probably a fake and you will be hacked, spammed, etc. Just sayin.’

6) Birthday wishes are swell. But you will only be allowed to send FB greetings if you can demonstrate that you had previously wished that person a happy birthday before you both climbed aboard FB.

The Ronald McDonald Defense Fund appears to be gaining support as the nation’s food sheriffs call for his ouster as the garish, annoying mascot of the humungous, planetary fast food chain.

Yes, the big red-and-yellow galoot with the goofy shoes is being handed the check for childhood obesity. More than 500 health officials, transfat trackers and people who eat tofu turkey at Thanksgiving have called on McDonald’s to ship Ronald to the fat farm – permanently.

Mr. McDonald did not return calls from the Tattler, but supporters of the mascot, who has been on the job for about 50 years, are serving up a genuine dollar-menu defense.

Guy Hashbrowns, a self-employed food blogger and daily diner at a McDonald’s near his home in Mishawaka, Ind., is at the front of the line, defending Ron.

“Like most sensible people I think clowns are creepy,” Hashbrowns said. “But you’d have to be about two biscuits shy of a Big Breakfast to believe that a clown is the reason we’ve got all these fat kids.”

Hashbrowns points to Ronald McDonald’s charitable work, to his outsized grin and to the fact that the mascot hasn’t seemed to gain a pound since about 1965.

To hear the blogger tell it, a trip to McDonald’s is better for you than a big bowl of steamed broccoli and a liter of fancy water:

“Dude, they’ve got like a fruit and walnut salad on the menu. What could be more boring and healthy than that?”

Judy, the day manager out at the Sip ’n Go, fired her financial planner and went to Roz’s for a fried chicken lunch with onion rings. Her friend Brenda decided not to bother cleaning out the cat box. She took the Visa card and headed for the Tri-County Mall.

Brenda’s husband, Sheldon, unhooked the TIVO, put his exercise bike out by the curb, bought an economy size bag of Cheetos and sat down to watch the last season of “24.”

That’s how some folks in Treetops made ready for the Rapture, which was scheduled for 6 p.m. EST on Saturday, May 21st.

“Kind of a Judgment Day thing,” said local Armageddon blogger Charleton Brimstone. “Quite a lot of folks were planning on being swept up into heaven this weekend, mostly because an 89-year-old fella out in Oakland said so on his radio show.”

Ed Earl, one of the regulars at the Sip ‘n Go, was planning on hunkering down in the saloon for the weekend, come what may with the cosmos.

“They said on cable that only the good people would be taken up into heaven,” he told the Tattler. “Well, that seemed like a long shot for yours truly. So I figured I’d just as soon take my chances with the folks who were left.”

By Saturday night, the Rapture had joined Y2K and various meteors in the annals of Big Bang Flameouts.

Back from the Mall, Brenda said, “I guess I’ll have to start flossing again.”

Millions of concerned Americans are awake at night these days, wondering about the fiscal fate of the overstuffed owners of the National Football League and their hired hands, the players.

The protracted lockout - billionaires on millionaires - has drawn attention and sympathy from hordes of unemployed citizens paying $4.15 a gallon for gasoline and shuddering in horror as they move through the grocery checkout line.

“Of course the average American is right to feel sympathy for the fine men who direct these beloved pro football teams,” said NFL owners’ spokesperson Bronco W. Hedgefund.

“After all, in many cases the taxpayers have built these glorious new football stadiums for the owners, so they naturally want to see the owners do well. Just logical.”

Hedgefund notes that the owners only charge an average of $25 to park the family minivan at the stadium, and over 20 seasons, the cost of a cold draft beer has only moved from $3 to $7.50.

“That diet Coke may cost an average of $4.50, but it’s probably just as bad at the Multiplex when you go to see ‘Bridesmaids,’” he said.

People who kept track of such things tell us that last year the average cost for a family of four to see an NFL game was $413. More in Dallas. A lot more.

“You can see it’s no wonder the owners need more of the $9 billion they’re arguing about with the players,” said Rico Rich of the nonpartisan Center for Cushy Skyboxes, a Palm Springs think tank for millionaires.

Presidential pundits, pollsters and election junkies are awaiting voter reaction to a hair-raising new Donald Trump interview in Rolling Stone magazine.

In the interview, the casino owner, prime time TV annoyance and potential leader of the free world discusses his hair, and how he washes it and combs it. Really.

The bombshell interview comes at a time when poll numbers for the real estate hustler and self-made-man-who-only-inherited-$300 million-or-so are falling faster than real estate values in Nevada.

“OK, what I do is wash it with Head and Shoulders,” Trump told the long-running magazine for people who remember Jackson Browne.

“I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. ”

The riveting interview goes on to discuss what the mogul does as his hair dries and how he combs it, which he insists he does.

“Do I comb it forward?” he asks the reporter lucky enough to be assigned this interview. “No, I don’t comb it forward.”

“This interview could be a game-changer for 2012,” said Washington pundit and campaign blogger Zak Pantene.

“Sure, the war on terror, unemployment, Medicare. That stuff is important. But you have to go back to the electoral significance of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s various hair styles, or maybe her pant suits, for a comparison.”

Pantene insists that with Trump in the White House picture, America has a shot at conducting its stupidest Presidential election campaign in a lifetime.

“We’re well on the way,” he said.

You may not remember those singin’-and-dancin’ kids from the Glee Club in your high school, but they are out there. And they are mad enough to sing the entire score of “Mamma Mia,” followed by “South Pacific.”

Please make them stop.

The runaway success of TV’s “Glee,” in which a bevy of attractive and not so attractive high schoolers croon, belt, hoof and emote their way into our hearts has apparently irked millions of real-life Glee Clubbers.

“You know the actors in that TV show are like 27 years old,” said Ethel Mermaid, a grizzled veteran of musicals from her days at Yankee Doodle Dandy High School.

“I was Daisy Mae in ‘L’il Abner’ and Betty Rizzo in ‘Grease,’” Mermaid told the Tattler.

“My old boyfriend, Mandy, had the lead in ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’ We made our own costumes. We didn’t have a lot of time for worrying about social justice or the club advisor’s morale.”

Mermaid says she and her friends are incensed the “Glee” cast is now touring the country with a stage show.

“Back in the day, we had to have cheesy car washes and beg our parents for donations,” she said. “And not all the kids in the club were exactly, well, talented, you know. It was grim.”

Mermaid says she hears there’s planning in the works for a new prime time show called “AV.” It will chronicle the hopes and dreams of kids in a high school audiovisual club in western Pennsylvania in 1966.

“Sounds awful,” said Mermaid.

LONDON - The royal wedding of this century was a smash hit but all of fashionable London is experiencing a hangover as Prince William and Princess Catherine, now officially the Duke and Duchess of …. Somewhere, return to their mysterious duties.

It’s a hat hangover. Sources in London say it’s a beaut.

The “Tattler” has learned that many of the fancy lids on display at the wedding were ordered through the Absolutely Fabulous Chapeau Shoppe in London’s Cheapside district.

“Clearly some of these women had been into the Bloody Mary’s before they headed to the Abbey,” said London fashion blogger Ian St.Darcy Porkpie.

A woman known as Princess Beatrice seemed to be the target of much of the abuse as she arrived wearing what appeared to be an embroidered chunk of traditional English sheep fencing on her head.

“Princess Beatrice is of course the great grand-daughter of Lord and Lady, um, I’ll have to look that up,” said blogger Porkpie.

A British celebrity person known only as Posh, rumored to be part of a singing group back in the Margaret Thatcher era, was singled out for sporting a purplish hat that seemed to be attached to an antenna tracking the Hubble Telescope.

“All right,” said St. Darcy Porkpie. “Mistakes were made. Beatrice’s sister - I forget her name – looked like she had a live cockatiel on her head.

“In their defense, you would have to say this: None of them as silly from the neck up as Donald Trump.”

At the worst possible moment, the U.S. government has shut down its deep space telescopic search for aliens.

That’s right. According to “Tattler” sources, it’s those pesky budget cuts.

The cosmic seeing eyes known as the Alien Telescope Array (ATA) have been arranged north of San Francisco (where else?) for decades as a project for the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) Institute.

Pretty “Star Wars,” huh? The 42 telescopes have been staring into space for years and if they haven’t spotted anything alien yet, well, they still might.

“First of all, the alien research facility is in a place called Hat Creek, California and how cool is that?” asks alien tracker and part-time spelunker/blogger Kent Clarke.

“And let’s face it. There should be more questions about aliens in our midst than ever. Have you watched the news lately?”

Clarke points out that the shutdown of the ATA comes at a time when TV haircut Donald Trump is running for President, and leading in some polls. When the President of the United States has to release his “long form” birth certificate. When Americans are paying $4 a gallon for gasoline and focusing all their energy on a rich kid’s wedding in England. When every morning 500 million people use an Internet site called Facebook to announce where they are getting their coffee.

“I’m not saying who might be an alien and who is not,” he said.

“I’m merely suggesting if we don’t already have aliens among us, how could things be any weirder? Have you seen Lady Gaga?”

With the winding down of the Easter season, the annual migration of millions of Peeps into oblivion has begun.

Every spring, the gooey (mostly) yellow creatures, usually resembling bunnies or ducks, return to Easter baskets and candy counters around the nation. Just as quickly, they disappear like “American Idol” runner-ups.

“The Peep, the globulus Americus marshmallowus, is a true national phenomenon,” said noted Peeps historian Harlan Perdue.

“The appeal of the Peep remains a mystery. I mean, they just sit there like the lumps of sugar that they are and, frankly, they taste like bath towels.”

Still, the inert doughy creatures seem to fascinate children, which is understandable, and many adults, which is not.

Peeps are on permanent display in an art museum in Wisconsin and Perdue pointed out that up in Washington DC, the morning paper sponsored an elaborate Peeps diorama contest.

“What the heck is that about?” he wondered. “There’s nine percent unemployment and that whole Libya thing. And what’s a diorama anyway? Don’t they have something else they can write about?”

In Chicago, apparently believing chefs aren’t getting enough attention, the local paper asked three prominent chefs to create recipes using Peeps. They came up with: Well, who cares?

All that is certain is that by the first week in May, the Peep will be harder to find than a Christmas tree angel.

“The annual migration should be something for PBS,” said Peeps expert Perdue. “Where do they go from April to April? They’re basically indestructible unless you eat them.”

Government officials are addressing rising public concern about sleepy-headed air traffic controllers in the Greater Treetops area.

The “Tattler” has learned that bunk beds will soon be installed in the tower at the periodically busy Mid-State Tri-County Airport and Sawmill.

Locals know that the control tower out at M-S-T-C A&S is actually the tallest loblolly pine tree in the region. Controllers roost near the top of the majestic pine, sorting out the comings and goings of assorted aircraft

“We kinda thought it’d be the tipsy pilots that got all the attention,” said well-known Treetops area flight buff Loon. “As far as we knew, the controllers were up there swilling coffee and trying not to fall asleep. Turns out we were half right.”

Loon points out that the local control tower team – Drowsy, Groggy, Droopy and Decaf – double as baggage handlers in the new economics of modern air travel.

“All the real money is in baggage fees,” he noted. “Can’t make any money on the short hop over to DeSoto Corners unless you get $35 for a checked bag.”

Government safety officials in charge of piling on the hours for air traffic controllers pretended to be shocked and outraged by the sleepy sentinels.

“Here in Washington we’re hard at work at least three days a week, especially in Congress,” said Federal Price Gouging Administrator Hiram Seatback.

”I mean, who do they think they are? All we’re asking them to do is get airplanes filled with people back on the ground.”

The North American Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Cranky Aging Former Saloon Professionals has endorsed a decision by Applebee’s to refrain, in the future, from serving margaritas to toddlers.

“We had a lively debate on this one,” said NABSCAFSP executive director Seamus Bevnap.

“Some of our more colorful members felt, hey, what the heck, let the kids take their chances in the bar like everyone else.”

Bevnap argued that the situation that occurred at an Applebee’s in Michigan in which a 15-month-old bundle of joy was served margarita mix in lieu of apple juice was at least in violation of all known liquor laws.

“That made sense to a lot of these ex-bartenders, but not all of them,” he said.

The “Tattler” obtained a transcript of the NABSCAFSP meeting.

Said one ex-bartender: “You’re working in a gin mill, even one that has a Weight Watchers menu, and you don’t know the difference between the blender drinks and the apple juice? You’re in the wrong line of work, my friend.”

Another grizzled saloon veteran known only as Fido went further: “The first time I found myself behind the counter in a saloon that served apple juice to children would be the last time. That’s why God made Burger King.”

Breathless news accounts of the chain restaurant brouhaha noted that the child in question was fine and at one point put his head down on the table for a little nap.

“Been there, seen that,” said Mr. Bevnap.

Reader response to the recent decision by the “Tattler” to declare itself a “Charlie Sheen-Free Zone” has been overwhelming. Subscriptions are up, email from crazy people is down and drinking in the newsroom is declining.

Winning!

In that spirit, the Tattler’s esteemed editorial board, meeting in double-secret-handshake executive session, has opted to put some new limitations in place. Heretofore:

There will be no pictures of Kirstie Alley’s new tattoo. No matter where it is placed or how much it weighs – no tattoo.

“Wardrobe malfunctions” by aging actresses, singers and female members of the Kardashian family will have to be found elsewhere as well.

The “Tattler” will ignore the presidential campaign of television annoyance Donald Trump, a man who bankrupt his own casino. Even if he picks Dog the Bounty Hunter as his running mate.

Lottery winners: We’re generally happy when people who don’t have much money get some. But we will refrain from coverage of press conferences in which six good old boys in Led Zeppelin T-shirts talk about how they split a lottery ticket at the Slurp-&-Go and won $278 million, most of which will go to their church.

Finally, the “Tattler” will limit its coverage of the annual twangy Country Music Awards with Reba McEntire and some guy in a big hat to five stories a year.

At present, the annual award show is on TV more than the gecko. Apparently they don’t know to count in Nashville but at the “Tattler,” we do.

It’s budget-fighting time in Washington again. With a shutdown of the federal government looming, many are wondering who is in charge of turning out the lights if Uncle Sam actually closes down nationwide operations later this month.

The Tattler’s crack “Eyeball” investigative team is on the case.

We have learned, exclusively, that one anonymous federal bureaucrat, one man and his pocket protector, is charged with turning the key if a divided Congress, diligently working three days a week, cannot come to terms on a budget.

The federal employee, known only as “”Woody,” operates out of a small office in a strip mall near Point of Rocks, Maryland.

“Some things are easier to close down than others,” Woody told the Tattler. “You got your General Accounting Office, your Office of Personnel Management, your Export-Import Bank. They take care of themselves.

“On the other hand, Homeland Security is kind of tricky, with those orange alerts and all. Shutting down the airports can make people edgy and the tree-huggers get all lathered up when they find out the national park is locked up.”

“We started hearing about smaller government back in the 1980s,” he said, “and naturally it’s been getting bigger than ever since.”

Personally, Woody tells us, his biggest concern is getting his retroactive pay. “Worked out great in 1995,” he said. “Got the back pay – kind of like a vacation.

And as for shutting down the government? “It’s like I tell Congress. If you were doing your job, I wouldn’t be doing mine.”

We hadn’t heard from our old pal Plaquemines Pete in quite some time.

Constant readers of the Tattler will recall that Pete is the mightily annoyed brown pelican who wanted to sue the governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, over the BP oil deluge in the Gulf of Mexico last year.

From his perch on a pier near Venice, La., Pete eventually gave up on the lawsuits and considered moving his growing family to Arkansas, then to upstate New York, then, briefly, to Europe.

He’s still in the Gulf Coast area, though, as things have seemed to calm down in the year since humans tried to drown the Gulf in petroleum.

Pete is not so sure. We heard from him a few days ago when a 375-pound mako shark jumped into a small fishing boat 50 miles into the Gulf off the coast of Texas.

“You think that was an accident?” Pete squawked. “Sharks don’t make mistakes, my friend. That bad boy was jumping with intent.”

The fishermen were not hurt, but the flying shark scared the red snapper out of them. Asked about sharks jumping into small boats, federal fishing officials went out for drinks.

The Tattler had to ask; was the mako shark seeking revenge for the BP explosion?

“Let’s just say that among the wildlife community hereabouts there are those who think the humans got off the hook, so to speak,” Pete said.

“And I should mention that here in the Gulf, the movie “Jaws” is still quite popular with the local wildlife.”

Glumcast magazine, which keeps a bleary eye on the television business, has reported that beginning in 2013, all prime time TV programs will be about forensic science, or dancing.

“That’s right,” said Glumcast Culver City correspondent Becky Verizon. “The networks are giving up all that other stuff, especially the news.

“It’ll be seven nights of mortuary slabs, messy DNA evidence and celebrities you never heard of dancing their careers off.”

Years of audience research have convinced TV programmers that what viewers want to see is blood and guts, computers running bullets through secret government databases and missing relatives who have been floating in abandoned hot tubs for a decade or so.

“Ratings don’t lie, my friend,” said Verizon. “CSI this, CSI that, NCIS here, NCIS there, Bones – the medical examiner is the new American hero.”

Network suits seem to agree. “Law & Order is OK but it’s so 2007,” said one NBC executive. “Catch the bad guy, put him on trial. Ho hum.”

“Nowadays people want to see the corpse they found at the bottom of the well after 20 years, then watch the forensic anthropologists boil off the remaining flesh. Now that’s good TV.”

Analysts contend that dancing shows peopled with broken-down former football players, bulked up former super models and nitwit panels of judges will supply the only break from the body parts.

“We expect some complaints from the ‘Modern Family’ crowd,” said one cable exec. “But they can watch old episodes of ‘Cheers’ on TNT. We’re going with the gore.”

Faced with the prospect of a long winter without professional football, Treetops’ saloon owner Kennesaw “Shooter” Smegal has decided to leave the country.

Smegal, longtime proprietor of the “He’s Not Here” Lounge out near the old junior college, insists he cannot endure a Treetops’ winter without the National Football League.

He says the fact his bar has 47 plasma TVs beaming sports day and night has nothing to do with it.

“Every time we have an election a few Hollywood actors threaten to leave the country if so-and-so wins,” said Shooter, “but I’m no Alec Baldwin. I swear, if they don’t settle this labor thing, I’m outa here.”

It’s possible the owners and players may figure how to divide up $9 billion in revenue by the season opener. If they don’t, well, Smegal is thinking Australia.

“You gotta understand,” he said, “I don’t care about health care or Libya or “Dancing with the Stars.

“I don’t care about the stock market or the hog market or Newt Gingrich. I like pro football. If we don’t have it, well, I hear they play football without helmets down there in Australia.”

Shooter’s wife, Mary Pat, likes living near her sister in Treetops and doesn’t want to hear about Melbourne or Perth or those cute koala bears. She tried to get her husband interested in NASCAR.

“It’s OK,” he said, slipping a Dallas Cowboys’ beer cozy around his favorite brew. “Kinda noisy. And it’s hard to bet on.”

Well-known Treetops socialite and man about town Claude Cummerbund is resting comfortably in the Chickadee County Medical Center, diagnosed with stress-related ailments.

Cummerbund was admitted Thursday night after heaving his new iPad and a bowl of pistachio nuts into his Jacuzzi while hosting an NCAA basketball tournament soiree.

“It’s the Facebook pressure,” Cummerbund told the Tattler.

“See, I have 3,132 Facebook friends and they all have birthdays, for some reason. Almost every day I get that little notice on my page that this one or that is celebrating another birthday. What am I supposed to do?”

Facebook consultant and Apple store loiterer Milo Fabreze says that Cummerbund’s condition is not unusual.

“If he’s like most people,” said Fabreze, “Claude has Facebook friends he hasn’t seen since high school, or maybe never seen at all.

“All of sudden he’s under pressure to send birthday greetings to the guy who lives next to his sister in Fresno or someone he met at the Christmas-in-July office party back in ’98.”

The lunch crowd at Roz’s Roost was sympathetic to Cummerbund’s problem.

“There’s the birthday thing and people who want to play some kind of online games,” said a customer named Sunflower. “Me, I’m just on there trying to find my ex-husband.”

Cummerbund thinks America needs a Facebook Commissioner, like baseball or the United Nations.

“There could be some rules, or guidelines,” he said. “Like, if I never, ever wished somebody a happy birthday before there was Facebook, should I have to do it now?”

A Letter From the Editor:

Faithful readers of the Tattler know that as a rule the Editor only uses this format to announce a hike in the price of your fine local newspaper.

But these are desperate times and so the Editor has assumed this position:

We are declaring the Tattler a Sheen-free zone.

That’s right. You will see no stories about actor Charlie Sheen, in or out of rehab. Even - and especially - if he appears on “Oprah.”

As a precautionary measure, the Tattler will eschew stories, columns, features and editorials on Martin Sheen, the late Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, singer Sheena Easton, Sheena, Queen of the Jungle and Ultra Sheen shampoo.

The Tattler does not come to this editorial decision easily. Over the years, we have chronicled the exploits of many celebrated idiots, some actually living outside Hollywood, Wall Street and Washington D.C.

Drunken movie stars, pickled rockers, wayfaring politicos, gun-toting footballers outside gentlemen’s clubs, foul-mouthed radio yakkers; moronic “celebrity” housewives; stoned hedge fund managers; nitwit White House gatecrashers; we’ve covered them all.

And we probably will again. But no more Charlie Sheen. No more of his ranting interviews, his ex-wives, his co-stars, his contract, his adult-movie girl friends, his sunglasses.

Frankly, if we wanted to hear grownups talk and talk and talk and make no sense, we’d tune into C-Span.

We trust our readers will understand. And enjoy our upcoming five-part series on whatever happened to your favorite child TV sitcom stars.

The National Four-Legged League (NFL) is asking Congress to look into compelling new evidence of growing stupidity and weirdo behavior among the human population.

The NFL keeps an eye on everything from Lassie to pet owners who are a little tardy with the food bowl.

So they were growling at reports that in Oklahoma a puppy named Wall-E was officially “euthanized,” but found the following day prancing around the dumpster, looking for a doggie treat.

“We’re pretty darn happy about Wall-E,” said NFL spokescreature Spuds McKibble, “but we have some serious questions about humans at this point.

“Let me put it this way: It’s a place where they euthanize dogs, which we obviously think is a pretty bad idea. But they are incapable of doing the one thing they are supposed to do.”

There are other canine concerns. McKibble pointed to recent news reports that Russians were preparing to “deport” nearly 30,000 stray dogs in Moscow to a “camp” out side the city.

“Hey, they may be doing the pooches a favor shipping them out of Moscow in the winter,” he said, “but this sounds an awful lot like a Wall-E deal to me.”

The Russians changed their minds but the NFL sees a pattern of behavior that seems crazier than a Jack Russell terrier.

And it’s not just a dog’s life.

“There’s this guy in Canada who is bringing his pet buffalo into the house,” said Spuds. “He customized his convertible so Bailey the buffalo can ride in it. Or on it. Get a grip, people!”

With most of the contract disputes, marital problems, visa questions and law enforcement issues cleared up, the Treetops’ baseball nine is ready for spring training.

Opening Day against the dreaded Capital City Grackles is just a month or so away and Treetops manager Coot Plover says his birds of summer are ready.

In a surprise move, training camp this spring has been moved to Wood Duck, Arkansas.

“Sure, most ball clubs are working out in Florida or Arizona,” said Plover, “but we think southeast Arkansas is swell this time of year. Most of the fellas have already flown in.

“See, some of these young birds don’t have any more sense than God gave a woodpecker, so we like to keep them where they can’t get in too much trouble.”

Plover says his team is looking to rebound from last year’s disappointing fifth-place finish in the Three Avian League.

“We’re movin’ on,” he said. “Them Snowy Egrets is always tough and we’ve had our problems with the Ospreys and the Laughing Gulls, no question about it.”

The manager declined to discuss the messy forfeit and mass birdie fight that ended last season against the Indigo Buntings, except to say that all charges had been dropped and the Buntings were a sorry collection of scaly-footed losers.

“We’re hoping all the big birds and fledglings in the greater Treetops area will let bygones be bygones and come out to beautiful Albatross Stadium and see us,” Plover said.”

There are men (and women) who do not train for the triathlon. There are many who are passionate about never, ever going to the gym for a workout, who always buy the real potato chips and the beef jerky made from, well, beef and not turkey or tofu.

So it’s a big day for that crowd as a Bavarian company (where else?) announced it was going to market a no-alcohol beer as a “sports and fitness” drink.

“Right on,” said Ashton Pilsner, spokesman for the Beer Users Recreational Panel (BURP). “We couldn’t be happier if they decided to declare the treadmill a lethal weapon.”

Across Europe, according to press reports from funny-sounding places and guys named Dieter, skiers, biathletes and other snowbound competitors are swilling giant mugs of the foamy stuff right at the finish line.

“They give it away, which would be totally cool if it was actually beer,” said Pilsner, “but, hey, one drink at a time. This way you get to have a tall, cool one before you get to the ski lodge.”

Asked about fake beer as an energy drink, trainers and nutritionists say one thing or another, the way they always do.

“Blah blah blah,” said a registered nutritionist from Innsbruck named Helga.

“It’s got lots of like vitamins,” said Pilsner, sipping on an actual beer. “And it’s great for like carbo-loading, whatever that is. Those Olympic dudes talk about it all the time.”

Pilsner is hopeful that chicken wings and Doritos will soon be added to the sports energy regimen.

Citizens of Treetops may not know it, but off the Interstate at Exit 21, out near the abandoned county fairgrounds, a local sporting hero named Hooker is enjoying his retirement. Sort of.

Back in 2002, the cranky bulldog and Treetops native finished as fourth runner up in the Non-Sporting Group at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in Madison Square Garden in New York City.

“It’s in the past,” he told the Tattler in an exclusive interview. “I don’t think about it much.”

Despite the glamour, the pampering and the top chow, Hooker became disillusioned with the world of show dogs and the elite canine lifestyle on the contest circuit.

“First thing is, the place is crawling with little dogs,” Hooker yelped. “I mean, teeny little dogs, dogs the size of bedroom slippers. Barky little dogs that weigh less than a box of medium Milk Bones.”

“And people don’t know about the partying,” Hooker said. “Some of these younger pooches, they get to Manhattan and get kind of crazy after the humans go to bed.”

Despite his blue-ribbon record, Hooker was never happy with the selection process.

“The judges are morons,” he yipped. “Most of them don’t know any more about dogs than Newt Gingrich.”

Still, he’s happy for Hickory, this year’s Westminster winner.

“I didn’t watch it but nothing but best wishes to the winner,” Hooker said, gnawing on a low-fat pig’s ear doggie treat. “I had my day. It ain’t easy being number one.”

A spokesbird for the Greater Treetops Chamber of Commerce tells the Tattler that the business community is atwitter over the response to Spike’s, the new tattoo removal parlor out near the abandoned Buy-By-Night strip mall on Rte. 728.

“Frankly we were skeptical when the owners leased the old Big Gal Barn and the Fondue Shoppe,” said Chamber spokesbird Woodrow Retale.

“Apparently, a lot of our friends and neighbors are having second thoughts about that body art.”

Spike’s Tats-Be-Gone opened quietly over the holidays, said owner Edmund “Spike” Rapter.

‘We had no idea so many of out fellow citizens would be in the market for getting rid of those dragons, daggers, devils, flags, hearts, snakes, pirates, roses, barbed wire, Grim Reapers, astrological signs and ‘Moms,’” he said.

Spike credits much of his business to bachelor parties and honeymoons, the U.S. military, trips to Las Vegas, Key West and Mexico, late-night wagers in nightclubs and young love.

In the waiting room at Spike’s, Tommy Earl Toucan and his spouse, Miranda, were discussing their various adventures in the tattoo parlor.

“Me and the missus, we decided we needed to get some work done and then Spike’s came along,” said Tommy Earl.

“See, she’s got ‘Charlie’ tattooed on her left shoulder and a little heart on her wrist that says ‘Buddy’. I’ve got a really big one on my forearm that says “Maisie,’ along with a little picture of, well, Maisie. It gets complicated.”

Spike’s is open Monday through Saturday, by appointment only. Bring your own Advil.

A panel of dietary experts in Bethesda, Md. has released a 797-page report with a bunch of bar graphs that concludes Americans need more greasy chicken wings in their diet.

Chicken wings rule, as the kids say, despite the pleas of First Lady Michelle Obama, the recommendations of the Department of Health and Human Services and nightly TV shows that depict enormous fat people being yelled at by cranky, skinny personal trainers.

“We’re no experts but it’s increasingly clear than Americans love chicken wings the way Donald Trump loves a TV camera,” said Dr. Cluckminster Poultrygeist, an expert in domestic comfort food consumption.

“Our study is not going to be too popular with the food police – or with chickens, for that matter - but research doesn’t lie. We say give them what they want. And they want chicken wings.”

“Dude, we ate like 1.25 billion of them on Super Bowl Sunday,” said wing nut Troy Lambeau of Door County, Wisc. wiping some barbecue sauce from his lip. “Pizza? I don’t think so. Hot dog eating contests? Please. It’s wing nation, my friend.”

“We like them fried, baked, floating in barbecue sauce, teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, sweet and sour sauce, mustard, blue cheese, you name it,” he said.

Lambeau, 27, prides himself on never eating anything green. He estimates that he consumes five platters of wings per week, sometimes for breakfast and generally in the company of his buddies, who favor Buffalo wings, light beer and turned-around baseball caps.

A panel of experts in Mountain View, CA. has determined that among Baby Boomers and senior citizens, lying about attending all 44 National Football League Super Bowls has surpassed lying about being at Woodstock as a means of impressing others.

A widely aired television commercial that shows four cranky-looking men recounting their days and nights in New Orleans, Pasadena, Miami and other Super Bowl venues appears to have generated a baloney phenomenon among the older set.

“We have seen a pronounced uptick among individuals, almost exclusively male, who contend they were there to see the Jets and Joe Namath in 1969,” said Dr. Pudge Montana-Marino, executive director of the Institute for Cultural Untruths (ICU).

“Thousands of American men born before 1946 are insisting they were at the first Super Bowl in 1967 and at every subsequent pigskin event with a Roman numeral.

“How can we tell if they are lying, other than dragging in their families and putting them under oath?”

ICU experts contend that fibbing about being at Woodstock in the summer of 1969 has been the gold standard for brandishing the cool-guy resume for more than a generation.

“That one is impossible to check,” said Montana-Marino. “Hundreds of thousands of mood-modified college students stumbling around in the middle of nowhere, or in this case upstate New York.”

He notes that among Baby Boomers small fibs designed to impress are common: “Sitting next to Bruce Springsteen on an airplane; we get that one all the time.”

Here in Treetops, local antique buffs, committed hoarders and hermits of all persuasions are thrilled to learn that their favorite TV show – “Mud Room Relics” - is headed our way.

The popular program, which airs Saturday nights on the Serious Broadcasting Network, welcomes in hordes of individuals who think their childhood Barbie doll or their grandfather’s Good Conduct Medal from Korea is worth enough to buy a new SUV.

“We are over the moon that ‘Relics’ is coming to our little town,” said Penny Peregrine, owner of the Down in the Basement Shoppe out on the Old County Road.

“Folks from all over the tri-state area will be cleaning out the garage and lining up to have their valuables appraised. I myself have a Monopoly board game from all the way back in 1965!”

The “Relics” team of snooty professional appraisers is comprised of experts on a wide range of basement booty, including baseball cards, tiny paintings in huge ugly frames, Indian blankets from the side of the road in New Mexico, old cans of “Billy” beer and shiny pieces of jewelry that might be emeralds, or might not.

“We enjoy visiting the smaller communities,” said “Relics” producer Angus St. Ives Pemberton “though the hotel accommodations are quite primitive and finding a decent sushi restaurant in these environs, well, the show must go on.”

Those interested in having their treasures appraised should show up at the Round Robin Recreation Center on the 9th, preferably wearing Bermuda shorts.

A popular chain of coffee shops that sells pricey pastries and coffee that is ordered and charged for by the word announced that week that it is going jumbo.

The chain, which now has a retail outlet within 250 yards of every living American, is offering 31-ounce drinks to millions of lawyers, students and college professors who have no idea what they did to wake up before these stores opened.

But the buzz was muted by reports the big-gulp beverages were limited to iced tea, iced coffee and various other odd-sounding icy caffeine concoctions.

“I liked the sound of it until I heard they weren’t actually selling coffee in the big cups,” said Treetops native Coot Pequod.

“I’ve been looking for an honest-to-God hangover cure my whole life and, well, I thought a 31-ounce cup of joe would get ‘er done.”

Asked about the new offering, Coot said he was likely to give it a miss and keep getting his coffee at the local Stop ‘n Drop, where he can get a lottery ticket:

“Thirty-one ounces of iced tea may appeal to some folks,” he said, “but I don’t have that much time to spend in the men’s room.”

For their part, millions of fans standing in line are ecstatic that, at 31 ounces, the new drink is literally the same size as the average human stomach.

“I haven’t been this excited since Whole Foods started selling organic boiled peanuts,” said a New York lawyer who identified himself only as “Chai.’

Taking a note from Hollywood and the big cities, the denizens of Treetops are putting together their own “bucket list.”

For those you who haven’t been paying attention, that’s a list of adventures and activities you want to try before you leave the nest for good.

Some opt for diving with sharks or learning a new language or riding the Orient Express. And that’s fine. Here in Treetops, though, we’ve got our own priorities when it comes to prepping for the Pearly Gates:

1) Match Oprah’s record. She told CNN that in 1998, while depressed, she ate 30 pounds of macaroni and cheese.

2) Get a video of the cat trying to squeeze through the mail slot or the dog playing with a mountain lion and download it to You Tube.

3) Purchase anything with the word “avatar” in it.

4) Take the whole family to the Brenda’s Big Beef Bunker out on the Interstate and order the Double Whammo Weasel Burger platter with spicy curly fries, Oreo shakes and cinnamon sticks for everybody.

5) Gain a bunch of weight, get a suntan, move to New Jersey, change your name to “Pookie” and get a reality TV show.

6) Organize your Facebook “friends” in order of preference, from “really like” to “barely know” to “creepy.”

7) Climb a volcano – very carefully.

8) Tell everyone you’ve attended all 44 Super Bowls. Who’s going to find out?

9) Two words: whitewater swimming.

10) For our migratory friends and readers – consider Amtrak.

The Treetops Avian Preservation Society (TAPS) has declared an official boycott of the state of Arkansas – and maybe Louisiana – in the aftermath of some very bad news for the bird community.

On New Year’s Eve, more than 5000 red-winged blackbirds expired in a shocking and downright weird incident that has yet to be explained by the authorities.

“Speaking for the avian population of Treetops, we’re planning on giving the Razorback State a miss,” said TAPS Executive Director Tallulah Tanager.

“And a few days after Arkansas another 500 blackbirds wound up deceased on the Morganza Highway in Louisiana. At the very least we think that shows carelessness.”

Local bird activists noted that the avian world has not too thrilled with Louisiana (aka the “Pelican State”) since the BP oil disaster turned hundreds of miles of the Gulf of Mexico into your basic sticky, stinking morass.

“As for Arkansas, we love the Clintons but the more we learn the worse it gets,” Tanager told the Tattler.

“For example, we have seen reports that Arkansas claims to be the ‘duck hunting capital’ of the United States and for us that’s just one more reason to avoid the place. Especially when we’re flying.”

Tanager complained of news reports that speculated the blackbirds were “disoriented” by fireworks and flew into one another.

“That’s classic,” she said. “There are 200 million blackbirds in our country and they’ve been around longer than bottle rockets. The cover up continues…”

A reported 15 percent of incoming Members of Congress say they’ll be saving the taxpayers a big chunk of change starting this month by sleeping in their government offices.

That’s right, grown men and women being paid $174,000 and up a year will bunk in the office and wash up down the hall when the 112th Congress is in session, skipping the opportunity to rent, say, a studio apartment near their place of work. Like a normal person.

“I’m here on a temporary basis so I don’t need a permanent residence,” said one new Member from the great state of Nevada, apparently unfamiliar with the concept of renting.

New Members appear to believe that living like drunken frat boys and showering in the (free) House of Representatives gym, health club and “wellness center” will play well with the folks back home.

“This group is different,” said Congressional spending critic and talk-radio host Hiram Squatter. “They’re not here for the perks like those professional politicians.”

Asked to identify the perks, Squatter acknowledged that Members of Congress get free parking on Capitol Hill and at airports in the Washington, D.C. area, subsidized daycare for children, use of the House gym (lots of treadmills with TVs attached) and free postage for official mailings.

“OK,” he said, “there’s the health, dental and vision plan where the government pays 70 percent of the tab. And the foreign fact-finding trips are done on military aircraft, so no one ever actually sees a bill. But, hey, they’re sleeping in the office.”

For our faithful “Tattler” readership and all you news junkies out there, here’s an early look at some of the big stories we’ll be tracking for you in 2011:

Is Harry Potter really gone? Seriously. We think he’s gone for good but will he be back with a new sidekick and a creepier villain? Or maybe he and Hermione will open a chain of Hogwarts’ barbecue joints.

Isn’t it about time the First Pooch down there in Washington, D.C. started a family? Hello. What’s with Bo? We’re watching, big fella.

Could we be looking at an Airport Security Scanner TV network? They say it could never happen but, hey, all those videos and images are somewhere. We hear Tuesday nights at 10, and nonstop on the Internet.

How many Palins will be in Alaska a year from now? Bristol just bought a house in Arizona. Her Mom, Sarah, is spending a lot of time on the road. Just sayin’.

How is wrinkly 84-year-old magazine entrepreneur Hugh Hefner’s engagement to his 24-year-old lady friend working out?

What the heck is Larry King going to do? And what about those four old guys in the TV commercial who have been to every Super Bowl? Will they make it? Do you care?

Will President Obama’s mother-in-law finally get out of the White House and go home to Chicago?

The 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War will be noted in 2011. Will it start over?

Stay with the “Tattler.” We’ll be there.

It’s that “giving” time of year, again: the time we finally give up and come clean.

In our storied existence as a news source, we have issued damn-near libelous exposes on (for starters...) Rush Limbaugh, American frat boys, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, White House canine-in-chief Bo, little girls who run lemonade stands in their spare time, and the esteemed Dr. Santa Claus.

As a regrettable result, the staff here at The Treetops Tattler has been handed a cease and desist order from the International Criminal Court, pending a comprehensive review of our nefarious hooliganisms by a team of international observers.

Because of this, we will be halting production on Tattler dispatches in order to sort out this legal mess. We realize that if we do this, we run the risk of losing advertisers and subscription revenue, thus endangering our ability to pay for our own utilities, sustenance, valet parking, Blockbuster Video privileges, and boat mortgages. However, failure to comply with the ICC order might mean we’d have some Rush Limbaugh-waged talk radio jihad on our hands...

We have, alas, arrived at the damned-if-you-don’t/damned-if-you-do intersection of circumstances: a “Catch Twenty-Shoe,” if you will.
We apologize to all our loyal, casehardened readers for this sudden New Year’s resolution-of-legal-conflict. On the other hand, long weekend for us!

Happy New Year!

– All of us here at TTT

Folks in Treetops are pretty excited about the upcoming pro football playoffs. But with so many teams and so many games, it’s hard to keep track of which teams will be hanging around as we move toward Super Bowl XXXLXLCIII in Dallas sometime next year.

So we’ve asked semi-retired Reno handicapper and part-time limousine driver Nathan Nathan Detroit to walk our readers through the 2010 NFL playoff possibilities:

“Well, as you may know, Atlanta has cinched a playoff berth, as we like to say. The Washington Redskins and the Dallas Cowboys have been eliminated from playoff contention, as we like to say, mostly because they just aren’t very good.

“Folks, with the regular season winding down it gets complicated. Some teams are on the bubble, as we like to say.

“If Houston loses to somebody, the Chargers win on the road and the airport in Cleveland is closed over New Year’s Eve, well, they’re out. I think. Unless Brett Favre comes back.

“The New York Giants and the Indianapolis Colts are in the hunt, as we like to say, but a new NFL rule that says that only one member of the Manning family can be in the Super Bowl has the whole thing up for grabs, as we like to say.

“Oakland, Buffalo, Denver and Carolina could still wind up in the playoffs. And I could wind up as a swimsuit model with a beach house in Malibu, but it doesn’t seem likely.

“Hope that clears it up.”

The Commerce Department reports that 37 percent of the American workforce has shut down during December as millions and millions of Americans update their Facebook profiles.

Hordes of sheep-like social networkers are sorting through photos and trying to remember the year they got out of high school as they follow the orders of Facebook’s boyish and kinda scary CEO Mark Zuckerberg.

Recently the 26-year-old CEO was allowed to announce the Facebook profile overhaul on the formerly hard-hitting CBS Sunday newsmagazine, “60 Minutes.”

“CEOs used to be scared to death of ‘60 Minutes’ but this kid played them like an ocarina,” said social networking expert Dr. Gugliemo Macaroni.

“He may look like one of Santa’s elves with the world’s largest collection of T-shirts but he’s apparently a lot smarter than the old coots on ‘60 Minutes.’”

At present, approximately 511 bijigeddy jillion people are on Facebook, telling one another they have arrived home at their apartments or describing the weather - “Snow flurries!!!” - to their Facebook amigos.

“It is clearly the most important communications advance since television,” said Macaroni. “Or maybe since Napster. I’m not sure which.”

Americans who do not use their telephones to take pictures of every birthday party, slumber party, sunset, play date, cocker spaniel, trip to Starbucks, palm tree, Bono concert, view from random hotel windows and visit from Uncle Ted will reportedly be caught with their bios down.

The revamped Facebook profile is said to be heavy on photos. “Can’t be any duller than the messages,” said Macaroni.

An insurgent group of angry, homely Cabbage Patch kids from the winter of 1984 are mounting a holiday reunion tour, just in time for Christmas shopping.

“We know there are current Cabbage Patch kids out there this year,” said veteran “Kid” Evelyn Krabtree. “They’ve even got John McCain and Joe Biden dolls. Sarah Palin. But we’re the real thing and we won’t be ignored.”

Krabtree noted that in ‘84, with the Cabbage Patch craze at its weirdest, parents who could not find the Kids were hiding from their outraged and weeping children.

“A lot of popular Christmas gifts have come and gone,” she argued, “but if you couldn’t find us in 1984, well, you might as well sleep in the car for all the peace you’d get.”

According to Krabtree, many of the most popular “kids” from the old days have retired.

“We’ve got a couple of them living in Boca Raton,” she said. “They saved their money, not that we got much from the manufacturers. One of the fellas opened a repair shop – sort of like plastic surgery for the ‘kids.’ The BunnyBees got tired of pollinating and split up.”

Toy historian Rudolph Kazutoff recalls that in 1984 there were reports of fistfights and scenes of violence among parents who could not find the twisted little creatures in time.

“Remember,” said Kazutoff, “this was before the days of the big-box stores and super malls. These days with a similar shortage? Well, they’d be mopping up the blood on Aisle Three.”

Two of Santa’s senior elves have put the future of Christmas in peril for millions of acquisitive boys and girls around the globe.

Santa’s two lieutenants, known in Arctic circles as Crockett and Tubbs, told the Tattler they may skip the annual global toy tour in protest of new security restrictions and body scanners at airports.

“We’ve been riding with the Big Guy for many, many years,” said Crockett, “and it isn’t easy. You try flying over the Gobi Desert in an open sleigh at night, carrying about a million Game Boys.”

Tubbs complained that the elves’ role is misunderstood by holiday celebrants and that the eight tiny reindeer get too much of the credit.

“Donner and Blitzen, they don’t exactly smell like Christmas wreaths, either,” he said. “They smell more like those chimneys Santa has to keep going down.”

Crockett and Tubbs insist they may stay home Christmas Eve because the heightened security makes their mission impossible.

“A lot of time the checkers will wave Santa right through,” said Tubbs. “Hey, he’s Santa. It’s different if you’re buffed up and under three feet tall, wearing green leggings and pointy shoes. They get suspicious.”

The elves insist they expect to retire soon, certainly before the end of the 21st century.

“It’s cold on the trip and there’s plenty of turbulence with those nasty reindeer pulling the sled,” said Crockett. “But there’s nothing on the planet worse than going through airport security in Atlanta.”

The Treetops Tattler team is getting ready for the royal wedding in England next April, with a squad of seasoned Buckingham Palace observers poised to spring into action.

“While the English royal family has been insignificant and kind of mixed up for generations, their American cousins can’t get enough,” said Tattler marketing director Ian Duddington-Shandy.

“We will set up our base of operations as close to Westminster Abbey as possible,” he said, “which probably means a cold-water flat for six or eight way out in Crouch End.”

Tattler coverage will include dozens of interviews with teary London matrons who will pronounce the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton as the happiest day of their long lives.

According to Duddington-Shandy: “We have lined up interviews with obscure, dandruffy Dukes from the English Midlands, grad students who once spent an hour in a pub with Ms. Middleton, Elton John and 15 or 20 gentlemen who wrote bios of Princess Diana.”

The historical import of the royal wedding will be chronicled in detail, despite the fact there isn’t much historical import.

“Royal weddings are about as important as NASCAR races,” said Dr. Grosvenor Square, Dean of Really Important Stuff at Porkpie University. “Remember Fergie?

“But the thing is, everything over there is really old, from the castles to the food to the Rolling Stones. Americans loves that.”

The Tattler’s bottomless coverage of William and Kate will begin right after three or four weeks of excruciating Super Bowl reportage.

It’s that festive, fatty time of year when millions of Americans - and folks right here in Treetops - begin thinking about turkey dinner with all the trimmings.

Lots of folks are getting on the road to see the family but many others are set to experiment with that deep fried turkey they’ve always wanted to try.

“Yep, we figure these days it’s good for about 4,500 fires and injuries every Thanksgiving,” said Gilbert Gobbler, chairman of the Flying Turkey Prevention Committee of Plymouth, MA.

“People fry them on their wooden decks, near a tree or in the carport. They throw frozen birds in the pot – boom! - or use too much cooking oil or heat the whole deal way above 350 degrees to make the bird cook faster.

“We think of it as a kind of Super Bowl Sunday for blowing things up.”

Safety experts point out that deep frying the bird while intoxicated is a bad idea, as is keeping the propane tank too close to the cooker. But many Americans look upon these guidelines as intruding on their holiday fun.

“We recommend using heavy gloves and keeping a fire extinguisher handy. But a lot of folks just like to fire up that cooker and give her a try after having few beers,” said Gobbler.

The industry rep noted that folks in Washington keep telling people that if the cooking oil ignites the result can be called “a vertical flame thrower.”

“Well, that’s a little scarier than Halloween candy,” said Gobbler. “Enjoy the day.”

A prominent local public relations executive and part-time country-western banjo picker was taken into custody Tuesday night for attacking Christmas decorations.

Sheriff Spoonbill told the Tattler that the perpetrator, who has not yet been identified, was having a few drinks in the Tufted Titmouse Tavern on Thrush St. when he became unruly and abusive.

“Run amok is what he did,” said bar manager Indigo Bunting. “He was just sitting there and then all of a sudden he asked me if I could turn off the Christmas music. I told him it was a tradition.”

The Police Report indicates the suspect began to argue that playing “Holly Jolly Christmas” and “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” the week after Halloween was not a holiday tradition.

“The guy told me he still had a house full of old Halloween candy and that people like me were trying to drive him out of his mind,” said bar manager Bunting.

Sheriff Spoonbill said it was “The Little Drummer Boy” that did it. That and the 25-foot waving inflatable Santa tethered outside the bar.

“He said it was that song and the big Santa balloon and the blinking red and green lights behind the bar that pushed him over the edge,” said Spoonbill.

Tavern management is expected to press charges.

“He said some pretty nasty things about Santa,” said the bar manager. “Plus he said he really hated Elvis’ version of ‘Blue Christmas.’ I thought that was way out of line.”

With the midterm elections over, conservative commentators are focusing on strong evidence that Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton causes earthquakes.

Radio talk show hosts are calling attention to an Associated Press story this month that notes when the former First Lady set down in New Zealand recently, that small nation was hit with an aftershock from an earlier 7.0-magnitude earthquake.

Two says earlier, a 6.0 magnitude quake rolled through in Papua New Guinea as the former Senator from New York was departing.

“We’re not saying Hillary is responsible for the quakes,” said conservative talk show host Rash Richter. “But it is interesting. She was in Pakistan last year and, well, you know what happened there. You decide.”

FAX News analyst Monte St. Helens points out that when Condoleezza Rice was Secretary of State under President George W. Bush, there was no similar pattern of natural devastation.

“We just want Secretary Clinton to take responsibility for her actions,” he said. “There was that big quake in Chile last year right before Hillary arrived and she had to cancel, remember?”

A number of talk radio hosts are insisting that the new Congress look into natural disasters during Clinton’s stay in the White House.

“Frankly, it’s more than earthquakes,” said St. Helens. “We’re not saying that Bill Clinton’s wife is responsible for tidal waves, volcanoes, major snowstorms or even flash flooding. But the public has the right to know.”

The Moldy Scupper, Treetops’ luxurious cruise ship of choice, has been grounded in the wake of the floating fiasco in the Mexican Riviera where cruise line passengers were hunkered down for several days without toilets, air conditioning or hot water.

Cruise ship industry officials acknowledge some recent challenges, many involving fires, the periodic overboard situation and gastrointestinal difficulties.

“The engines on most of these vessels are older than Bob Dole,” said industry spokesman Noah Shark. “But it’s not quite true to say the ships are petri dishes for germs and viruses.

“It’s not quite true to say, but it’s pretty true.”

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, when not failing to produce enough flu vaccine, tracks the shipboard travails of America’s cruise ships and the results are, well, gut-wrenching.

Some cruise lines do better than others, the CDC reports, but the industry has now got a virus named after it. Industry officials insist that small spaces, weekly human turnover and gourmet food that is prepared hours and even days in advance of being consumed have nothing to do with it.

“Basically there are two things you can do on a cruise ship,” said Moldy Scupper trip director Gopher Gandy. “Drink or jump overboard.

“We offer skeet shooting, rock climbing and Scrabble tournaments but the truth is, that’s about it. The good news is that so far we haven’t had any problems with Somali pirates. Have a cocktail.”

A team of scientists from the National Geographic and a film crew from the BBC are joining forces to locate the last of an endangered American species – the pay telephone.

”We heard a rumor one was sighted near Baxter, Kansas,” said team leader Ian St. Smithwick-Bungles, “so we’re headed out that way to have a look. We’re very excited.”

Between 2007 and 2008 the number of pay phones in the U.S. declined by 58 percent, according to CNN or MSNBC or Katie Couric. Now they’re harder to find than common sense.

The boom in mobile phones and hand-held devices for texting your best friend and telling her you were buying UGG boots put the pay phone on permanent hold.

“Bottom line is there used to be acres of pay phones in airports and the walls of big shopping malls were crawling with them,” said Bungles.

“Think about the convenience store. What did you have there in the old days? Greasy hot dogs, surly teenagers loitering in the parking lot and a beat-up pay phone by the door.

“Sure, the phone was broken most of the time but that was probably the teenagers’ fault.

The film crew has heard stories of a working pay phone in the north woods of Maine, near an old mining camp around Truckee, CA., and in the men’s room of a country-western bar outside Nacogdoches, Texas.

“We’re like tornado chasers,” Bungles said. “We’ve got the black SUVs, the whole deal. We’ll go anywhere to find a pay phone.”

After bowls and bowls of research, dietary experts have concluded that the popular “Honey Bunches ‘o KitKats” is the most fattening American breakfast cereal.

“It was close,” said cereal industry dietician Amelia “Tubby” Courthouse. “There was some argument that either “Multi-Grain Oreos,” “Chunky Charms” or “All-Natural Candy Corn” were the fattest.”

The study comes at a time when many Americans are increasingly concerned about their children's waistlines.

In 2009, the Fat Albert School of Social Research in Pez, Minnesota concluded that 13 percent of male children in the U.S. possessed the physical dimensions of a jukebox.

“The truth is that even the cereal industry is getting worried about chubby kids,” said Courthouse. “I saw a youngster in my neighborhood the other day and he looked like a small crowd.”

Among the most popular cereal brands for kids these days are “Good & Plenty Trail Mix,” “Heart Healthy Cinnamon Cocoa Swirls” “and “Two-Percent Milk Duds.”

“At this point,” said Courthouse, “a breakfast cereal containing Raisinets is considered health food.”

Savvy parents with Facebook pages who shop at Whole Foods stave off the calories by loading up low-sugar cereals for their kids with strawberries and other fresh fruits.

But Chris T. Valley, a spokes-kid for millions of children who enjoy cereal that tastes just like Hershey Kisses, says it won’t work.

“Trying to sneak a strawberry or a blueberry past a kid is fine,” he said. “but if breakfast doesn’t taste like Halloween, we’re not going for it.”

Early voting has come to Treetops, as dozens of our neighbors have already cast their ballots in the elections set for early next month.

Some voters are weighing in by U.S. mail but others have taken advantage of the vote-early polling place set up at the abandoned “Carl’s Jr.” out on Rte. 17.

“I voted for the Grizzly Mama but my husband voted for the Socialist,” said Ruby Grackle, who lives out near the water filtration plant.

“We were hoping to be able to get a Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich while we were out there but Carl’s really is closed. All I got was this stupid ‘I Voted’ sticker.”

Rules changed a few years so registered voters could save time by exercising their franchise in October.

“We watched a whole lot of those TV ads, so we were ready to vote,” said Ruby’s husband, Kestrel.

“Some of the candidates want to take all our money and bankrupt our grandchildren. Don’t know why they would want to do that but that’s what they said on the commercial.”

Kestrel said he was worried about national security and protecting our borders but he wasn’t sure how someone running for County Sewer Commissioner could fix that.

But he said he was impressed that several of the candidates had attractive children who seemed to like them.

Poll watchers predict a light turnout come Election Day. “These off-year elections can be slow,” said one local pollster. “Plus that same night there’s the big Turkey Day hayride around the reservoir.”

Plaquemines Pete, the peevish brown pelican, has been laying low since the geniuses at BP finally shuttered the oil gusher that had fouled his patch in the Gulf.

Pete tells the Tattler he’s probably not going to run for governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, as he had hinted in the past.

“It only encourages them,” he said in an exclusive interview. “The Coast Guard was pretty busy but all the governors did was ask for more money from someplace called Washington.”

This week, Pete and his family unit are looking further south from his perch on a pier in Bayou Cane, LA.

“This whole deal with the disaster in South America has gotten my attention,” he said. “The humans in the coffee shop were all excited about this place called Chile, where they saved a whole bunch of people in a mine, whatever that is.”

Pete was fuzzy on the details but he thought it all sounded like a smoother operation than the one he witnessed in the Gulf. And he said he had another reason for maybe checking out Chile.

“Word on the dock is they’re going to start drilling in my neighborhood again,” he said. “The oil humans and the government humans say they got it all worked out. No more gushers, no more explosions.”

Pete wonders if they’ve given the whole thing enough thought.

“Of course,” he said, “whatever happens, they won’t be the ones being scrubbed down with dish detergent.” And he flew away.

The crack of the bat and playoff baseball has returned to Treetops as our own local 9 finds itself in the Championship Series of the venerable Three-Nuthatch League.

It’s best of four-out-of-seven against the despised Prairie Chickens and the Treetops’ faithful are looking to end the team‘s 27-year playoff drought.

Our boys were forced to take two of three from the scrappy Live Oak Warblers, with starting pitcher Owen “Bird’s Egg” Waxbill, out of prison on work release, winning Game One.

The locals were kicked out of the nest in Game 2 by a 9-0 margin but rebounded with a 6-5 triumph in Game 3 and earned a shot at the title.

“The boys are looking good,’ said manager Coot Plover. “They’re mostly sober and roosting at night, like they should.”

The Treetops 9 got off to a rocky start when flying up from Key West after spring training in March. About half the team was diverted by thermals and wound up playing in Stuttgart, Arkansas.

“We miss them boys,” said Plover, “but right now we got to beat the Chickens before the weather gets any colder and the whole migration thing kicks in.”

Local fans are counting on Waxbill and Red “Downy” Goshawk, acquired in the off-season from the Ipswich Sparrows, to handle the pitching chores.

“When we got Snipe Sapsucker from the Whistling Ducks, well, that took care of the power hitting,” said manager Plover. “But it won’t be easy. The Chickens are game.”

The commitment of the American people to a clean and healthy environment is beyond dispute. Millions of Americans recycle, drive cars that cannot climb hills, sport whale-friendly bumper stickers and tell pollsters that environmental stewardship is a top priority with them.

But, as was revealed last week, there are limits in the long struggle to save the planet.

An enormous potato chip company has “bagged” its line of biodegradable SunChips packaging because consumers feel the bags are too noisy.

“Saving the planet is hard work but you can only ask so much of consumers,” said consumer advocate Dr. Chauncey Shortcut.

“One homeowner told us he couldn’t hear the TV when his wife was eating the chips. You have to feel for the guy. Once we saw the Facebook page about the noisy bags, well, we knew it was only a matter of time.”

It took only 18 months for brutalized consumers to get Frito-Lay to cave on the spiffy eco-bags and return to the old bags, which were as quiet as cholesterol.

“Some people said the folks doing the complaining should have put the chips in a bowl while they were snacking,” said Dr. Shortcut, “but clearly that is terribly inconvenient.”

Shortcut denied anonymous reports that people were scarfing the chips in bed and keeping their partners awake, thus fueling the consumer uprising.

“The company should have perhaps weighed the impact of noise pollution, along the fate of the polar icecap and the rain forest, he said.”

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the unholy, tar-hued gates of Hell opened wide to give registered voters another reason to vote for Ralph Nader.
 
The infamous BP oil well—recently declared “dead” by administration officials—has come back... as a zombie.
 
“This is a complete disaster,” said Rep. Jacob B. Haverford, head of the congressional oil calamity oversight committee. “Four months ago, this was a crisis that looked like something out of a James Cameron movie. Now, the undead well closely resembles something out of a George Romero flick...”
 
The well is now in the phase of not only resuming its wanton gush of oil, but has also developed a habit of voraciously devouring the flesh and brain fluid of all passing swimmers and yacht captains.
 
The Obama White House is scrambling to find a way to ameliorate the situation.
 
“We’ve come up with several workable scenarios,” stated White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The most likely course of action will be to reunite the casts of the Evil Dead trilogy through federal tax subsidies, and then have them terminate the well with extreme prejudice.”

Facebook, the massive and weird social networking system with a half billion users, shut down for more than two hours recently, sending millions of Americans back to work.

During the outage, more than 127 million users were unable to LOL. More than 72 million people could not post their favorite passages from Scripture and as many as 1.5 million Facebookers could not whine about sitting in traffic on I-95 South.

An estimated 221 million people were deprived of the opportunity to “like” the season premiere of “House” and another 315 million could not comment on the return to the L.A. hoosegow for actress Lindsay Lohan.

Several hundred million people were unable to change their profile picture and untold numbers of virtual cows passed away in Farmville.

“You can laugh,” said Facebook expert and online pro football prognosticator, movie star Justin Lonelyhearts, “but millions and millions of people were unable to send heartfelt birthday wishes to ‘friends’ they had not seen or spoken to in decades.”

“What’s the fun in buying shoes if I can’t tell my 897 Facebook friends that I’m buying shoes?” asked a Facebook user identified only as “Kendra.”

“I was in a line in a Caribou Coffee in Atlanta, waiting for a spiced latte,” said Facebook fan Anthony, “and I wasn’t able to tell anyone. Bummer.”

Facebook officials explained the shutdown, saying the system was “experiencing latency issues,” which quickly cleared up any confusion.

Millions of Americans who are not on Facebook had no idea what all the fuss was about.

A group of prominent and well-respected economists who are probably behind on their mortgage payments announced the other day that the Great Recession ended more than a year ago.

The expert panel, which has gone into hiding since the announcement, says the recession ended in June 2009 – just about the time General Motors filed for bankruptcy under Chapter 11.

Reality and near-10 percent unemployment notwithstanding, the National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) is the official scorekeeper for tracking recessions.

There is no truth to the rumor that to qualify for the Bureau you had to have bought a Beta video recorder about the time the country went to VHS.

“Well, they do seem like folks who are still using calculators with those little rolls of paper tape,” said Alan Greenbacks of the Enron-Countrywide School of Economics.

”But we see them getting into other areas. For example, they could issue a report that says the Chicago Cubs aren’t doing too badly, despite not having won a World Series in 100 years.

“And what about BP, Toyota, Lindsay Lohan? They could use a little good news, huh?”

The reasoning behind NEBR having its clock stopped 15 months ago is buried in pie charts, bar graphs and the production-possibility frontier (PPF).

“You probably skipped class that day,” said Greenbacks. “We're pretty sure the panel has not seen any actual people since the summer of ’09 which, by the way, was about the time Michael Jackson passed away.”

This summer a French teenager visiting the Grand Canyon tumbled 75 feet off the South Rim. He’d been backing up to take pictures with his cell phone and, zut alors, down he went.

Partly in honor of our French visitor, the National Park Service established a new category for explaining away accidents in our parks and wetlands.

They call it “inattention to surroundings.” It joins “animals” and “darkness” as contributing factors to mishaps.

“Frankly, there’s not much evidence that humans are getting any smarter, with new technology or without it,” said Smokey the Bear. “In Jackson Hole this year we had a lost hiker use his cell phone to ask rescuers for hot chocolate.”

Smokey is semi-retired these days, living in suburban Cleveland. “Don’t go in the woods much,” he told the Tattler. “Too scary.”

Meanwhile, according to experts on stupid human behavior, “inattention to surroundings” has made a trip to the pizza parlor as dangerous as white water rafting.

“It may be annoying to see that soccer Mom unloading the kids on the wrong side of the Chevy Tahoe in front of the middle school while chatting on the phone,” said Eloise Doofus of the Outa My Society (OMYS), “but it’s your responsibility to watch out for her. Deal with it.

“It’s the constitutional right of all Americans to cross busy streets while paying no attention to traffic if they are engaged in making lunch plans or posting on Facebook.”

The fluffy-haired weatherman on TV says the days are getting shorter, and at a clip of two minutes per day.

“It’s got something to do with the angle of the sun and the curvature of the Earth and the time of year,” said renowned meteorologist Alvin Sleet. “I don’t know. You know me. I’m hoping for a big hurricane to stand outside in for the Weather Channel.”

While celebrated scientists agree that the daylight always fades in the last four months of the year, every year, and has for several millennia, this is an election year.

“It’s true that the days got shorter under other presidents,” said Kyle Sunspots, a political analyst on the “HenHouse” cable network. “But it’s clearly gotten worse under Obama.”

It appears that many Americans believe the President and his advisers have conspired with climatologists, tree-huggers, UNICEF, Kenyan farmers, community activists, Stephen Hawking and others to make it get darker sooner.

“That is what people are saying,” said Sunspots. “We’re just talking about what we’re hearing on my popular panel show, ‘It’s All His Fault.’”

Activists around the country have begun organizing a “Relight America” event in which hundreds of thousands of people will gather at sunset to protest the Obama Administration’s failure to make the daylight last longer.

“We were thinking of doing it in Key West, where they really like their sunsets,” Sunspots told the Tattler, “but we’re not sure it’s our kind of crowd.

Two men named Daley, Richard J. and Richard M., father and son, have ruled the city of Chicago as mayor for 42 of the last 55 years.

Now, Richard M. is retiring and at last report several hundred local men with Irish-American last names were interested in replacing him.

“There’s also currently an opening for a manager for the Chicago Cubs, so it’s a busy time,” said Prof. Hinky Dink McKenna, a political scientist at Alphonse Capone Junior College, just across the state line in Indiana, for tax purposes.

“Names get tossed around. Oprah. Rahm Emanuel. Many people believe the Blues Brothers could do a good job at City Hall, maybe as a team, but no one knows what happened to Jake and Elwood.”

In the Daley family neighborhood of Bridgeport on the South Side, reaction to the news was fueled by a heightened consumption of Old Style beer, the local favorite.

A man who identified himself only as Tim was enjoying a frosty can of Old Style while sitting in his “Streets and Sanitation” truck as his colleagues stared at a pothole.

“I work for da city and my Dad worked for da city,” Tim said. “He talked to the real Mayor Daley once, 1959 I think it was, outside Comiskey Park at a White Sox game. We hate da Cubs.”

Tim said he would be voting in the next election, depending on the direction he gets at work.

“Doesn’t Richie have a brother?” he wanted to know.

Aldi Rizal, 2, announced that he has licked his two-pack-a-day smoking habit, much to the delight of Indonesian government officials, who are taking credit for the health-care miracle.

The rotund “smoking baby” became the biggest Internet sensation since “dancing baby” or maybe British chanteuse Susan Boyle when he was taped smoking cigarettes like Humphrey Bogart, a big grin splitting his chubby cheeks.

A spokes-baby for Toddlers Anonymous hailed Aldi’s cold (strained) turkey performance but others have raised questions, particularly about the young Aldi’s stint in “rehab.”

“He’s, uh, two years old, so maybe there’s a difference between him quitting the habit in a rehab program and just taking the cigarettes away from him,” said Billy Jo Camel of the Child Smokers Institute (CSI). “Anybody thought about that one?”

Word from Jakarta is that the tubby, cheerful youngster, who has worked his weight north of 60 pounds in his brief 30 months on the planet, was fond of blowing smoke rings and prone to raving meltdowns when denied his tobacco.

Observers and people who want to see more YouTube videos are concerned that Aldi will turn to hiding smokes in the diaper bag and borrowing cigarettes from seven-year-olds.

The youngster is reportedly considering a tour of the United States in anticipation of his forthcoming biography, “If I Got’ Em, I Smoke “Em.”

The tour would include a visit with Oprah, an appearance at a NASCAR event, a spot on a Donald Trump special and interviews on the PBS “NewsHour” and NPR.

From Hollywood comes word that former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and conservative yakker Ann Coulter have declined the chance to appear on the latest rendition of television’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

If true, it means the pair will not be joining Bristol Palin, daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, and other luminaries on ABC’s glittery stumble-fest.

According to highly placed sources, the new lineup includes actor David “Still Big in Europe” Hasselhoff, aging pro quarterback Kurt Warner, “Brady Bunch” legend and Polident spokeswoman Florence Henderson, Jennifer “It’s a Long Way from ‘Dirty Dancing’” Grey and, of course, Anna Trebunskaya.

Also on the roster is Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who is either a member of the cast of cable’s “Jersey Shore,” a former NFL wide receiver or winner of the recent hot dog eating contest at Coney Island.

The Hollywood Revealer is reporting that Rice is not the only fading public figure to be recruited.

Unconfirmed reports persist that the variety show reached out to former United Nations Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali, former Polish leader Lech Walesa, former U.S. poet laureate Kay Ryan and University of Miami president Donna Shalala, among others.

“The folks in charge like to mix in some serious folks, just in case some people in the audience don’t watch every dopey cable show that lasts a month.” said celebrity blogger Fred “Ginger “ Rogers.

“I mean, former congressman Tom Delay was popular on the show and later the charges were dropped. Just sayin’.”

These days, the chicken does not want anything to do with the egg.

With roughly 700 million eggs on a recall list, a spokesbird for the Association of Cooped Chickens (ACC) declined to answer the age-old question about the chicken or the egg. You know, which came first?

“I suggest you talk to the egg,” said E. Cluxley Barnyard, understanding that verbal communication with a hen egg through the 21-day incubation period would be difficult.

“We don’t view this as a chicken problem. This is an egg problem, my friend, and those little bags of albumen are going to have to own up to it. We did our job.”

Unconfirmed rumors circulating in Washington suggested that the chickens were attempting to hire the same K Street lobbyists employed by BP and Toyota.

“Let’s just say we’re not going to put up with a lot of chicken poop on this one,” Barnyard said.

“ Life’s not easy in those chicken coops, what with the crowds and the noise and the artificial lighting. Taking the rap for salmonella is not on our dance card.”

Meanwhile, problems between the chicken and the egg have taken the philosophical community by surprise.

“Metaphysically, we’ve always had them closer than vodka and tonic,” said Dr. Karl Kabong, Professor of Circular Reasoning at Happy Valley University.

“We’ve been using the chicken-and-egg thing since forever to talk about, you know, what does it all mean? Now this. Plus, I just had breakfast and I’m not feeling too good.”

Not to be overshadowed by the big-haired housewives and chatty divorcees of New York, New Jersey, Orange County, CA., and Washington D.C., the women of Treetops are coming to you on a still-to-be-named cable network.

Look for “Real Housewives of Treetops” later this year, or maybe next year or the year after, on a station pretty far up the remote dial.

Take our own Clover “Pooki” Plover.

One of our town’s more glamorous denizens, “Pooki” is half-owner of the Christmas Shoppe out on Route 17 near the eBay drop-off outlet and the old Hardee’s.

“All your holiday decoration needs,” Pooki told us. “Your tree lights, your Santas, your Mylar balloons. We got it all.”

Then there’s Pooki’s best friend, Charlotte Tanager. Her ex-husband owns the Spiffy Lube outlet near the exit ramp on the cutoff to the Interstate.

“We got just as much glamour here as you get in Orange County, I’ll tell you that,” Tanager chirped. “The locals are still talking about the Christmas in July party Pooki and I put on. Sure, Pooki lost her real estate license but all agreed the tequila theme was brilliant.”

And don’t forget former prom queen and onetime flight risk Nadia Nuthatch who recently wed our own Rusty Warbler and moved into the old Sapsucker mansion near the abandoned Sleepy’s discount mattress outlet.

“We don’t expect any more charges to be filed and we’re looking forward to starting production,” said Nadia, who always refers to herself in the third person.

The Brits, who like nothing more than running around the countryside with big rubber boots and trowels, have turned up an 11,000 year old settlement in southeastern England.

The site is said to be 6000 years older than Stonehenge, the eerie stone monument and destination favored by aging hippies and fans of the Grateful Dead.

It’s so old that the dwellings were apparently built when England was still connected to France, which is a scary thought.

“Basically, this makes Stonehenge looks like a Home Depot out at the mall,” said blogger Trevor Whiskbroom.

“It’s old. I mean it’s older than the Rolling Stones, Margaret Thatcher and Englebert Humperdinck put together.”

In their dig, archaeologists found evidence of domesticated dogs, deer and elk skulls and assorted debris.

”They believe they’ve also found what appears to the earliest known version of the Barcalounger,” said Whiskbroom.

“Apparently the men would sit in this contraption and drink some form of fermented beverage while watching their neighbors brain one another with big sticks.”

Whiskbroom said the diggers also found evidence of a path where women in the area took children, often several times a day, to a meadow to play a kicking game that involved a skull from another tribe.

“The thinking is they called themselves ‘Cave Moms,’” he said. “Apparently the children just ran off in all directions whenever someone gave the skull a kick. Then they all sat down for some water and some elk jerky, maybe.”

Brown-pelican activist Plaquemines Pete and his clan heard all about the splashdown of the President of the United States and his family in the Gulf of Mexico last week.

The Obama family dropped in on Panama City, Fla., for lunch and a photo op. The normally irate Pete was fine with the visit: “We’re all for humans as long as they don’t want to punch holes in the floor.”

“We’d have headed over that way for all the excitement,” Pete told the Tattler in an exclusive interview, “but we had our own reunion near the pier in Orange Beach, Alabama. Good fishing, if you know what I mean.”

Pete said his feathered friends reported the Obama family took a swim, went to a restaurant and ate chicken tenders, whatever they are.

“That’s cool,” he squawked.

The pelican underground is telling Pete that the First Family is actually headed to Martha’s Vineyard, wherever that is, for the real summer vacation.

Pete isn’t so happy with other visitors.

“On the pier I hear the humans say they’re having trouble finding any oil sloshing around from the gusher,” he said. “I been up there, pal. Anyone who couldn’t find oil in the Gulf couldn’t find a fish, either.”

Pete, who is still considering a run for governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, isn’t too excited about reports that the men in the golf shirts with the boats are finishing a “relief well.”

“Didn’t they drill the last one?” he asked, and flew away.

Airlines used to focus on safety, comfort and drink carts for those in the seats. But nowadays the carriers in the friendly skies are stacked up inventing new and better fees to enhance the flying experience.

“Think about those moving walkways in the airports, the ones that get you from Terminal A to Terminal C,” said Amelia Noheart, spokeswoman for the Novel Airline Fees Trade Association (NAFTA).

“Why should the airlines have to pay for that? We see a simple toll-booth system being put in place for the moving sidewalks.”

Airline analysts are also considering a system in which passengers would be charged extra for not wearing slip-on shoes while going through gate security.

“It’s a total time waster,” said Ms. Noheart. “We believe charging people for that would actually benefit the consumer.”

In the future, passengers may be charged for a second trip to the bathroom on domestic flights.

“Pretty simple, really,” said Noheart. “One bio break if it’s less than two hours in the air. A maximum of three on, say, a New York to LA flight. We’re still working out the fee structure.”

The airlines, Noheart says, are demonstrating innovation in the global marketplace:

“Some airlines are already charging for getting a seat assignment and – this is my favorite – a couple of them are charging a fee if you use airline miles, don’t take the flight and want to put the miles back in your frequent-flyer account.

“Hey, even the credit card companies can’t top that.”

Some of the most prominent residents of an island in the North Atlantic Ocean called Manhattan have recently acquired licenses to carry concealed weapons.

Fox News chief Roger Ailes and one of his best-known political commentators, Sean Hannity, are on a growing list of marquee city dwellers with permits to tote their firearms under wraps.

The roster includes syndicated radio pottymouth Howard Stern, grizzled yakker Don Imus, multi-decade real estate annoyance Donald Trump and his son – yep – Donald Jr.

“There is a clear and present danger to these men,” said William H. Bonney IV, national spokesperson for the Association of Rich Guys with Guns Hidden (ARGGH).

“One of these gentlemen could easily come under attack while walking to the limo from their multi-million dollar townhouse apartments in Manhattan. Of course the weekend getaway places in Connecticut, the Hamptons or the sprawling ranches in the Southwest – it’s practically the Alamo. You have to be sympathetic.”

Trend watchers say concealed weapons permits have joined Rolex watches and leased private jets as status symbols of the post-Wall Street meltdown.

And it’s not just for the rich and famous. In Virginia, so-called “open carry” is all the rage. Bronco-busting car salesman and building contractors apparently in fear for their lives now amble around suburban restaurants packing heat.

In Arizona, where every dog over three months of age must have a license, no permit is required for concealed weapons.

“Of course not,” Bonney said. “Dogs are dangerous.”

Following Federal Judge Vaughn Walker’s landmark overturning of Proposition 8, a notable California civil rights organization is speaking out to end another injustice.

The Sacramento-based feminist committee Women for Advancement beyond Nighties and the Kitchen (W.A.N.K.) recently organized their 2010 “Annual March on Wherever” (to take place sometime between next Tuesday and next Thursday’s TBS Sex and the City marathon) to push forward their fourth, fifth, and sixth wave agendas.

W.A.N.K.’s spokeswoman Ariel Morganstein laid out the agenda set forth by self-styled “Howlin’ Feministas”:

“Over four decades after the noisy death of racial segregation, the people of this country still hold true to the archaic, chauvinistic social model of ‘separate but equal.’ I’m talking about the overtly sexist notion of these ‘separate but equal’ bathrooms and gender-specific clothing lines.”

The group’s focus is to make most things in the United States “gender neutral,” including restrooms, changing rooms, and even individual college dorm rooms. W.A.N.K. strongly opposes the distinction between male and female coeds, stating that, “it is our organization’s position that the gender-based gerrymandering of dorm halls is both undesirable and misogynistic. As far as we know, the men’s dorms could have better cooling systems!”

When asked what a perfect, post-sexist America would look like, Morganstein told The Treetops Tattler the following:

“I have a dream that in a new, vibrant America, all boys and girls will proudly wear the same ecru cargo slacks, all businessmen and businesswomen will freely wear the same tar-black ties, and that, God willing, men and women and boys and girls, no matter their creed, color, or hair style, will all be eroding urinal cakes side-by-side, once and for all!”

The nation is clutching its Red Bull in anticipation of a new judge on Fox’s “American Idol.”

Lately, the judging lineup for “Idol” has been as hard to follow as the interviews with the contestants. Paula Abdul left, reportedly to manage a school for 48-year-old cheerleaders. The cranky English guy has returned to his homeland, where he’ll reportedly run a tough-love nursing home.

Now ditsy daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres is moving on.

“We were a little confused about Ellen’s sudden disappearance,” said ”Idol” blogger expert LaVar Gleeclub. “It was kinda like those Russian spies in New Jersey. Where’d she go?”

Last week millions of Americans took a break from staring at Ted Danson, the only Hollywood celebrity at Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, to consider the possibility that wrinkly rocker Steven Tyler might take Ellen’s spot.

“Steven is perfect, if you think a 62-year-old rocker is the way to go,” said Gleeclub. “He looks like Larry King these days.”

Gleeclub said fans were excited about the Jennifer Lopez rumors: “We’re not sure there’s enough bad singing on the show to save her career, though.

“We were hoping they’d ask John Roberts, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If not him, then maybe Judge Judy, from cable. And what about Ted Danson? What’s he doing these days?”

Gleeclub thinks the other side of the criminal justice system could provide “Idol” with its next arbiter of warbling talent.

“Think about that Rod Blagojevich guy,” he said. “OK, he’s got no talent. That makes it perfect.”

Some Members of Congress want to set aside a pool of taxpayer money for the rescue of globetrotting rich kids and idle Internet millionaires who seem to be getting lost with alarming frequency.

Word that a 14-year-old Dutch girl is about to set off on another solo sailboat trek around the globe has energized the Congressional Yachting and Balloon Caucus.

Just last month, a 16-year-old California girl was rescued on her sailboat in the far reaches of the Indian Ocean. Speaking on a morning talk show, her Dad pointed out that when it came to international search and rescue, he had no intention of paying a dime for anything.

“These adventures cost money, people,” said Ahab W. Mizzenmast, staff director of the Caucus (CYBC). “And some people think the families of these world-travelers should pay for their own rescues. Outrageous.”

Mizzenmast acknowledges that many people wonder who foots the bill to rescue that becalmed teenage sailor or rich guy in the balloon who disappeared on his ninth attempt to circumnavigate the globe.

“You do, my friend,” he said. “The Coast Guard, the Navy and all the ships at sea, plus nice people who go looking for those aging software billionaires who disappear in the Andes or the Baja in their hot-air balloons.”

The CYBC would earmark funds so that the cost of these rescues would be spread around to taxpayers without causing any stress to those wealthy folks with a sense of derring-do and too much time on their hands.

As NFL training camps start up, for the most dedicated and serious “players,” football season never really ended. I’m talking, of course, about the millions of fantasy football players.

“I’ve been working on my roster for the past 6 months, so to be honest I think these NFL guys are kind of behind,” said Jimbo Wells, the 2009 Champion of the his company’s Yahoo! Fantasy League.

For the fantasy footballers, the off-season could not have lasted much longer. After endless late nights spent researching the best dark horses and free agents of the upcoming season, most are relieved that their fantasy drafts are finally here.

“Well, I’m not going to give anything away, but let’s just say I have some inside sources that might give me one of the best seasons of my career,” noted Bob Owens, who has already mapped out his entire fantasy draft.

Training camp controversies might be heating up, but fantasy players are much more concerned about their internet connection speeds and scribble-filled stat sheets.

“I already told my wife that I won’t be able to do anything on draft day,” said Owens. “It’s way too big of a moment in my career to be interrupted by a grocery store run or a trip to the kids’ soccer practice.”

“Last year was one of the most successful seasons of my career, but the day after I took home the title I started getting ready for this season,” said Wells. “That’s the kind of commitment so crucial to success at this level.”

Plaquemines Pete, the mega-annoyed brown pelican who says he may run for governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, has seen enough, at least for a while.

“Word on the pier is that they shut down the oil gusher,” Pete told the Tattler in an exclusive interview at a shrimp boat dock near Bayou Cane, LA.

“I don’t believe it, of course. Their lawyers’ lips are moving, so they’re lying. But I’m thinking of taking the family on a short vacation.”

Pete said that for a couple of millennia his species worried about the annual onset of the hurricane season in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Not any more,” he said. “Mother Nature has nothing on what you humans can do to us if there’s a dollar in it. The hurricane season looks like a day at the beach, if you know what I’m saying.” 

Sounding mad enough to eat a bushel of crustaceans, Pete says he wants to get far away from the Gulf for a while.

In the past, Pete liked to head the family in the direction of Key West for a getaway. “Great place to fly over and look down at all the crazy people on Duval Street,” he said.

“I heard the Finger Lakes in western New York are real nice and that’s about a thousand miles or so away. But there’s a fish issue, I think, and not too many pelicans. And as far as I know I don’t have any family up that way.“

The Internet, which knows these things, tells us that in the first half of 2010 the most popular names for girl babies in the U.S. were Charlotte, Seraphina, Olivia, Violet, Elizabeth, Lisa, Sophia, Laura, Caroline and Ava.

No Miley or Taylor or Hannah, no Lindsey, no Bella (that young woman in “Twilight”), no Quinn (that blonde cheerleader in “Glee”).

On the baby boy side: Henry, Finn, Oliver, James, Asher, Jack, Max, Jasper, Liam and Atticus.

“Jeez, ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ with Gregory Peck came out in 1962,” said baby name expert and basement blogger Morty Python. “What’s with Atticus?

“What about the names of those guys in the vampire movies? Finn, the big guy from ‘Glee,’ seems to have caught on.”

Python says he is puzzled by absence of names from the family of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. The official list comes from the Social Security Administration in Washington and Python says he expects a Fox News investigation may be in the works.

“Where are your Tripps. your Levis, your Bristols?” asks Python. “Of course, it doesn’t look like ‘Barack’ is exactly surging up the list, either.”

Python, who has a sister named Madison and a brother named Holden, reports that the most popular baby names in Oklahoma this year are Ethan and Isabella.

“What the heck is going on in Oklahoma?’ he wonders. “I thought everybody out there was named Curly, Laurey and Jud, like in the musical.”

The assistant manager of an auto body shop in northwestern Pennsylvania is unhappy, saying that his new iPhone 4 is leaking oil.

Seamus McCupertino understands that many people are skeptical about his complaint. But he says that the new mobile device doesn’t work right and has been leaking oil since he bought it in late June.

“Not a lot of oil,” he told the Tattler.

Complaints about poor reception and antenna issues have sent busy signals through CoolKids Techland since nearly two million of the sleek, spiffy new iPhones were sold the first weekend they were on the market.

“OK, they were as popular as a vampire movie at first,” said McCupertino. “Then it turns out the reception is not so good, which sounds like something they’d have said about your Zenith TV in 1959.

“Then they had to have a press conference so that the genius who runs the company could blame the customers. Mr. Wizard says the people who are complaining are holding the thing the wrong way. Thanks, phone boy.”

McCupertino says he has had a rough year with products and product recalls.

“I’ve been driving a Toyota for years,” he said. “My kid really likes SpaghettiOs. We’re afraid to give pet food to the dog. My wife had a fancy new baby stroller that cost almost as much as a lawn mower, and that got recalled.

“Frankly, the idea of iPhone 5 scares me a little.”

A cranky journalist in Chicago is mad at three little suburban girls for giving away lemonade at their lemonade stand, the little Commies.

Over the July 4 weekend, this woman, who is “an expert on personal finance” and writes a column about it for an afternoon newspaper in the Windy City, was riding around in the back seat of her brother’s car in a swell part of the town when she saw the offending tykes.

The woman – let’s call her “Terry” – took an overdose of outrage. When her brother was offered “free lemonade,” our intrepid journalist, in the finest traditions of Woodward and Bernstein, rolled down her window and lit into the misguided, generous, pint-sized Socialists.

She wrote: “No,” I exclaimed from the back seat. “That’s not the spirit of giving. “You can only really give when you give something you own. They’re giving away their parents’ things…it’s not theirs to give.”

Stupid parents.

The expert went on to say that in giving away holiday lemonade, the offending pre-teens had ignored the rules of economics. Their behavior, roared the headline, summed up “what’s wrong with the U.S.”

Hard to argue with logic, once you ignore the BP oil gusher and the meltdown of the financial services industry. Those boys and girls didn’t give anything away, except the ranch.

And here at the Tattler, we’re a little confused because we read this column on the Internet and we didn’t pay anything for it.

There’s no free lemonade, Terry. Or is there?

The arrest of a former hot-dog eating champion in New York City over the recent holiday weekend has cultural experts raising serious questions of rampant national stupidity.

At Coney Island, a young man who had won six previous frankfurter-gorging contests stormed the stage after another award-winning glutton consumed 54 red hots.

Takeru Kobayashi, who was not in the annual face-stuffing competition because he had not signed a contract with Major League Eating (uh-huh), was carted away by New York’s finest, charged with trespassing and “obstruction of governmental administration.” Really.

He was released after 24 hours and presumably went in search of antacid tablets. And a life.

“Seems like we’re heading toward rock bottom and it doesn’t look good on us,” said Dr. Whoopi Cushion, an authority on stupidity at the U.S. Commerce Department.

“We live in a time when millions of people believe that watching people lose weight on TV is entertaining. They spend hours watching suburban women stumbling around in cocktail dresses, spilling their Pinot Grigio. The weenie gorging contest is a bigger 4th of July story than, well, the 4th of July.”

Dr. Cushion points out that not that long ago our parents were entertained by Ed Sullivan and Nat King Cole.

“Jeez, people used to watch “Cheers” and “Hill Street Blues,” she said. “They used to talk about ‘Jeopardy,’ not about some gasbag cook throwing food in his students’ faces.”

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, the Lindsey Lohan trial continues…

Plaquemines Pete, the seriously annoyed brown pelican who is considering a run for governor of Louisiana or maybe Mississippi, has retained the “Redneck Riviera” law firm of Darter, Gannet, Cormorant & Boobie.

Pete told the Tattler he and several thousand of his displaced feathered friends and family are suing the big oil company and anyone else they can poop on for ‘criminal stupidity by humans’ in the Gulf of Mexico.

‘We’re going all the way to the Supreme Court, wherever that is,” Pete cawed.

Legal scholars pulling their chins and swilling lattes in places that are not covered in crude oil say the case is unprecedented.

“Not sure how the courts will deal with this,” said Sam Quentin, Senior Partner at Stalling, Whinging and Griper. “The rights of flying creatures in the American criminal justice system have never been, um, flight tested.”

Pete is basing his lawsuit on a conversation he overheard in Grand Isle, La., as he watched a number of humans consume French fries at the pier.

“They said the company’s emergency plan for an explosion was not to have an explosion,” Pete told the Tattler. “My brain is no bigger than a clam, but that doesn’t sound completely responsible, does it?”

Pete said he and his family are coping with the disaster and that the other day one of his sons had suggested he look on the bright side.

“Nobody seems to have any answers but at least we’re not being put into FEMA trailers,” Pete said.

Word that a man living in an obscure and funny-sounding place in England has placed his mother up for sale on eBay has excited the online auction and shopping universe.

“He was apparently just having a bit of a laugh,” said online auction expert Barry McLottery.

The Englishman, who lives in somewhere called Crouch End, put Mom up for bid at one pound (about $1 or so these days – who knows, really?) and said it was all a bit of a lark to get her out of the house. No hard feelings.

Thus far, no attention has been paid to the fact that scary writer Stephen King once wrote a short story called “Crouch End.”

McLottery says too much is being made of putting Mum on the auction block.

“One of the problems with online auctions is that in most cases you are offering people old snow shovels or schoolbooks from economics class or dusty fondue pots,” he said.

“You’re not allowed to sell alcohol or guns or passports or human body parts. This could really open things up for the category.”

McLottery contends that if you’re a family with annoying Uncle Ed sleeping on the couch, or a 33-year-old son still bunking in the room above the garage, or a mother-in-law who came in from Boca Raton to stay, the “Crouch End approach might be for you.

“Think of it as kind of public service,” he said.

Plaquemines Pete, the irate brown pelican who has recently attacked the human race for utter stupidity, is considering running for governor of Louisiana. Or maybe Mississippi.

“I move around a lot,” Pete told the Tattler. “What’s the diff?”

Pete and his fellow Pelecanus have established a Pelican Action Committee (PAC) in response to the oil gusher currently wrecking their lives near the Gulf of Mexico.

“We’re a little shaky on what a governor actually does, but how hard can it be?” he squawked.

Pete said his feathered allies had done a little research and determined that the governor’s job in these situations is to tell people that everything is fine and to bring the family on down to the catastrophe and get a room at the Holiday Inn.

“We don’t really think that’s a great plan, but a pelican could do that,” he said.

Pete said he considered trying to get himself named CEO of the oil company responsible for the disaster in the Gulf:

“What does that guy do? Come to Washington, pretend to answer questions from some other guys in suits, and then sail away on his yacht. Sweet. Do they have pelicans in England? How do I get that job?”

The pelican community in the Gulf Coast is highly motivated but Pete acknowledges a lack of familiarity with the political process.

“We’ve never raised any money,” Pete said. “We’re pelicans. But we got the name – we’re running on the BP ticket. That stands for Big Pelican.”

The Senior Pelican in the wetlands of Louisiana has a few things to get off his chest as the oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico plumes into Month Three.

Known to his friends and neighbors as Plaquemines Pete, the brown pelican has seen it all and would like to tell Congress about it.

“Everybody and his dog has been up on Capitol Hill,” Pete told the Tattler in an exclusive interview. “The oil company boys in the shiny suits have been talking and talking. What about us?

Pete cawed his complaint from atop a piling outside a vacant beer bar near Venice, LA. his home state.

“We don’t ask for much,” he said. “A few fish, a nesting area that doesn’t smell like Saudi Arabia, some girl pelicans. Clean water would be nice.

“If I were to speak for all the pelicans – and why shouldn’t I? – I’d ask the folks in charge to let us know where they plan to mess up next, so we can make some plans of our own.”

Pete said that despite their peaceful demeanor, his fellow pelicans have pretty much given up on humans.

“You tell me,” he said. “I’ve got family all over the place – California down to Mexico, from the Carolinas to the Keys, even South America. But everywhere the humans go, it’s nothing but trouble and a lot of oil sloshing around for us.”

“Got some hippie relatives down on the Galapagos Islands. 500 miles from the nearest human. Starting to look pretty good to me.”

The annual Virginia census report was published yesterday, and indicates that Virginia Starbucks coffee shops are now outnumbering the quantity of area stops signs 3-1.

“We are all shocked at this latest revelation,” said the Census Bureau Chief of the Commonwealth of Virginia. “This obviously points to an unsettling trend in the people and legislature of our state putting buttery-beige lattes and ‘free trade’ biscuit samplers ahead of children making it to the other side of the street in one piece.”

Local census-scientist Larsdon Hacksworth of Treetops University had this to say:
“It’s unreal. A decade ago, we had beautiful scarlet stop signs on every street corner. And now, four-way stop sign intersections are being purged from the state budget and renovated... into STARBUCKSES!”

The new finding comes in the wake of the skyrocketing national rate of caffeine addiction per household in the United States. In response, Virginia communities have organically created a network of “Bring Back Our Stop Signs, Eradicate the Starbucks Nefariousness” support groups. The listed aims of the network are simple:

1. Re-instate the removed signs.

2. Distribute duct tape to all regional coffee addicts, so they have another way to keep their eyes open while working a 9-5 day-job.

3.

A spokesman for the “BBOSS, ESD” network told The Treetops Tattler that they never managed to write out their third goal. Apparently, the organization’s principal manifesto scribblers were “conked out from a desperate lack of coffee and energy drinks.”

Within seconds of making the statement, the spokesman then hung his head in shame after realizing the crushing irony.

As fans across the world arrive at South Africa to cheer on their respective teams, each one is trying to figure out the best way to be really, really obnoxious.

While the South Africans are famous for their loud and extremely irritating vuvuzelas, other fans are relying on the strategies that have made them annoying for years.

“I’m sticking to personal attacks on the players,” said Alberto, a diehard fan of the Spanish national team who would only give his first name for fear of opposing players learning his identity.

“It’s always worked for me in the past—in the EuroCup, the Confederations Cup—so I don’t see why I would change it for the biggest tournament,” explained Alberto, who researches the players’ backgrounds so his attacks really count.

Other fans, particularly the US ones, are keeping things simple with classic jeering and loud noises.

“I don’t need anything extra to distract the players—my voice is plenty loud and irritating enough” claimed Joe “Big Boom” Brumfield.

“I feel like fans are losing touch with their roots with all these noisemakers and air horns and that other fake stuff.”

No matter what strategy the fans are taking, they see themselves as crucial to the success of their respective teams. Win or lose, their performance undoubtedly plays a role in their team’s performance.

“I’m going to have to be at the top of my game when we open against England for us to have a chance,” noted Brumfield. “I just hope my voice has the endurance.”

Sporting the colors of many lands, screaming, chanting World Cup fans are lobbying to bring the vuvuzela to American shores.

The incessant blaring of the two-foot plastic “stadium horn” has drawn more attention in the World Cup in South Africa than a 0-0 tie between Denmark and Peru. Or maybe Uruguay.

“The vuvuzela makes me happy and a little nauseated,” said U.S. soccer fan Zak Owngoal, who quit his job as Web designer in Redwood City, CA. to attend the month-long soccer fest.

“You sit in the stadium for two or three hours and after a while you forget your own name. It’d be a great way to spice up a baseball game. All they do at those things is play old rock music from the ’70.”

Recruits from the Viva Vuvuzela Vanguard (VVV) based in Earache, Colo. hope to hear the screech of the horns at pro football, hockey and basketball games in the US of A.

“Might be a little bit much for the tennis set,” said Owngoal. “But the tradition of not being able to hear yourself think for hours is part of what makes the World Cup special. That, and the scoreless ties.”

During the second week of the World Cup a young man was tossed out of a baseball game at Yankee Stadium for showing up with a vuvuzela with intent to toot like a million locusts.

“Blaaaaaat,” said the VVV in a statement.

Scientists have unearthed a Roman gladiator graveyard in northern England. The bodies of 80 large men expired for some 1,800 years have aroused the interests of “Spartacus” and “Ben-Hur” fans everywhere.

The Tattler has unearthed its own find; what appear to be diaries kept by some of the gladiators with accounts of their battles with lions, tigers and bears, and each other.

“Quintus is a cheater,” said the diary of Drusus the Ungainly. “We think he’s found some kind of magic pill that makes him perform better in the arena. Hate that guy.”

Confrontations with large predatory animals were clearly an issue.

“The big bears have been a problem for some of the fellows,” said Crassus the Unkempt. ”Sometimes you can figure out what to do with the lions, but the bears are just plain crazy.”

While the gladiators were in bondage to the Romans, they apparently came from all over Europe.

“It’s nice to meet chaps from other places,” said Gnocchus the Short. “We have a jug of mead or two. But it tends to work out badly, what with the fighting to the death and all.”

And experts on site are not finished with their work.

“We’ve been looking for a pub,” said gladiator authority Sir Edmund Sussex-Dorset.

“It seems like men in this stressful line of work would have needed a quiet getaway place and maybe a strong drink. So we think there might have been some early version of the English pub nearby. ‘Ye Olde Hammer and Hatchet,’ that kind of thing.”

The popularity of KFC’s sprawling “Double Down” chicken sandwich – all 540 calories, 32 grams of fat with two (2) strips of bacon and mystery sauce – is changing the way America eats. And its pants size.

Your doctor, and First Lady Michelle Obama are not too happy about it.

“We’re getting with the program,” said Sid Whitecastle, owner of the ‘A Pig in Your Blanket’ deli on the outskirts of Islamorada, Fla.

“We’re offering an order of Eggs Benedict wrapped in a Western Omelet wrapped in an order blueberry pancakes. Side of grits or home fries. $8.99. And we’ll help you walk to your car.”

Not to be outdone, Mary Margaret Incantolupo, who owns Vinny’s Tabernacle of Beef outside Philadelphia, is fattening up her menu as well.

“We’re going with a classic Philly cheese steak but we’re adding a grilled Kielbasa and sauerkraut, along with our world famous jumbo cheese fries,” she said. “We throw in a diet soda, on the house.”

That carryout pizza may require the minivan for transport.

“We’re putting our extra-large thin-crust New York style pizza on top of a deep dish Chicago pie, and we’re tossing in the cheese sticks and the cinnamon rolls,” said Porky’s Pizza Pound owner Eddie Baskin.

Want to see the dessert cart?

“A slice of our cheesecake now comes with apple pie and ice cream, an éclair and a wedge of German chocolate cake,” said Cheesecake Armory manager Annabelle Soufflet. “We call it the World War 1.”

A very serious story in the very serious New York Times reports that many Americans have found an innovative way to deal with the pain of home foreclosure.

They’re ignoring it.

The Times reports (so it must be true) that “a growing number” (hmmm) of folks whose homes are in foreclosure have told the mortgage companies and the banks to stick it.

There are nearly 2 million homes in foreclosure in the U.S., which would seem to be the bad news. But the good news would seem to be that the foreclosure process is slower than waiting in line for photos at the Rite-Aid, and so delinquent homeowners are simply avoiding the mailbox.

“Clearly the banks and mortgage companies are suffering and you have to feel for them,” said financial analyst and all-purpose cable TV expert Ernie Madoff.

“I mean the ones that haven’t gone bankrupt from overpaying their CEOs and handing out toxic mortgages to people without bank accounts. There are a couple like that, I think.”

“Ignoring your debts and responsibilities has a long, proud history in places like Wall Street,” said money guru W. L’Enfant Plaza. “The average person has been, shall we say, less successful with this strategy.”

Plaza noted that the auto industry has the repo man. The credit card industry raises your interest rate to 30 percent in the fine print. The gambling industry has two guys named Boo and Knuckles who come to your house.

And the housing industry? “I hear they’re talking to Boo and Knuckles,” said Plaza.

Parks, beaches, front lawns, and all the other places where horseshoes and other weird games are played are becoming a more competitive environment this summer.

After unsatisfying performances in their flag football and softball tournaments, some aging, mediocre athletes see this summer as their chance to shine.

“Those games that my kids and I always play on the beach—I’m taking it to the next level,” claimed Gary Brookings, a former all-star for his company’s softball team. “This year I’m organizing a big tournament when we head to the Outer Banks.”

“I go to the beach to relax, but I threw way too many interceptions against Scintron last fall to not compete in the horseshoe event this summer,” explained Dave Jacobs, quarterback for rival company Microbe’s flag football team.

The tournament, which will include events in horseshoe, bocce ball, and Frisbee, has already attracted over 50 people looking to resurrect their amateur sports seasons.

“I been practicing horseshoes all spring and I definitely think I’m ready to go,” said Brookings. “I built a horseshoe court in my backyard to give me a competitive edge going into it.”

For all the participants, this is a do or die event, the last chance for middle-aged businessmen to prove they still have some athletic talent left from their promising high school days.

“I’ve got a lot of people counting on me,” noted Jacobs. “This is when I can prove to myself and everyone else that I’m ready to lead Microbe to an Adult League championship next year.”

Fashionistas from coast to coast are agog now that actress-flight risk Lindsey Lohan has been outfitted with a court-ordered alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet.

“C’est fantastique,” said Santa Monica fashion consultant and ankle-bracelet blogger Brandy Marnier.

“I predict an awesome new fashion trend now that Lindsey has brought the booze monitor into the bloodstream, er, mainstream.”

Lohan will only wear the bracelet for two weeks if she stays off the adult beverages. But the fashion set believes that’s long enough to entice America’s shoppers into checking out the bracelets – the device is called SCRAM in the criminal justice system - as a hip fashion accessory.

“SCRAM. Please,” said Marnier. “First we need a name change. And all that measuring of a person’s perspiration after a long night of clubbing in Hollywood. Boring.”

The boys and girls in the fashion trade see vast accessorizing opportunities for the law-and-order bracelets.

Trendsetters in New York and L.A. have long wondered why the orange jumpsuit – a jailhouse standard – has never caught on with hipsters. But the electronic ankle bracelet may be the industry’s get-out-of-jail-free card.

“I see women having several bracelets in several colors – for work, for play, for court appearances,” said Marnier.

“You could get a bracelet in the color of your birthstone, or your eyes, or your shoes, or the color of your fave libation – a Cosmopolitan, a Margarita or an Apple-tini.

“Or maybe the bracelet could change colors, like a mood ring. Does anyone remember mood rings?”

The gushing popularity of vampire movies and TV shows means cable television is going all vampire, all the time.

America’s younger set can’t seem to get enough blood with “Twilight,” “True Blood,” and “Vampire Diaries,” among other tales of neck gnawing gore.

Fresh blood comes in the form of the Vampire Box Office network (VBO), which will air nothing but vampire programming 24 hours a day, except for 30 minutes of Hollywood gossip every night about Lindsey Lohan standing outside bars.

“We’re giving them what they want,” said cable TV mogul and vampire authority Bela Lacosty. “And what they want are cute vampires running around in the woods biting people.”

Lacosty promises plenty of what vampire fans seem to bleed for – tattoos, capes, biker chicks, creepy old houses, guys turning themselves into wolves, girls hiding in basements.

“What’s working on TV these days? I’ll tell you,” said Lacosty. “Bad singing and dancing and cops rooting through garbage and DNA. After that, it’s vampires, my friend.

“Same at the movies. Get a couple of pale teenagers and have one them turn out to be a 103-year old vampire. Stick them out in some awful desert town, mix in a werewolf and an evil stepfather and some kissing, hey, we’re done.”

VBO programming will include daytime quiz shows with vampire themes like “The Slash Game”; a soap opera called “One Neck to Bite,” a talk show featuring female vampires called “The Gurney” and a weekly entertainment program called “Dancing With the Scars.”

The Internet said “Happy Birthday” to Pac-Man the other day but the legendary dot-chaser was laying low.

“I’m not all that crazy about the whole thing,” Pac-Man told the Tattler in an exclusive cyberspace interview. “First of all there’s the idea of being 30 after spending all those years hanging around the mall arcade.”

The yellow gobbler said he was tired after three decades of consuming dots. He is believed to be living in seclusion in a home computer in the south of France.

“There were good times,” he told the Tattler. “The song, ‘Pac-Man Fever’ was a big hit back in ’81 and we were on American TV for a couple years in the early ‘80s.”

“Pac-Man is righteous,” said a video game historian known only as Thumb. “When he came along it was all like Pong and Space Invaders, man. Pong. Dude, that’s like something you’d see on the wall of a cave.”

A source close to Pac-Man said the little gobbler had not been in contact with the game’s four ghostly monsters, Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde, in many years.

“There was a falling out over distribution rights back in the ‘90s,” the friend said. “Plus, Pac-Man always thought they were a little creepy.”

There were rumors that Pac-Man would appear on one of television’s many has-been “celebrity” shows, or maybe get fired on the air by Donald Trump.

“That’s not the P-Man’s scene,” the friend said. “He’s a little bummed about the Big 3-0 but it’s not like he’s Ozzy Osbourne.”

First Dog Bo is valued at $1600, according to President Obama’s recent financial disclosure statement and some Republican dogs are expressing outrage over the news.

“How did they come up with that number?” asked Goldwater, a Golden Retriever and head of the GOP Pooches Bureau in McLean. Va., which supplies dogs to Republican political figures and their families.

“He looks like a nice dog but Bo can’t be worth more than $750, tops. Most people don’t even know what a Portuguese water dog looks like. And word on the street is he’s having some barking issues with the folks who deliver stuff to the White House.”

“Bo is a model First Dog and worth every penny,” growled Bubba, an Irish setter and spokescanine for the Democratic Doggie Coalition (DDC).

“They’ve gone too far this time. It’s just election year jealousy. They should stay out of the White House doghouse.”

Bubba later said that the White House does not have an actual doghouse.

“You get the idea,” he whimpered. “Bo bunks where he wants.”

Goldwater sniffed that First Lady Barbara Bush’s dog, a Springer Spaniel named Millie, published a best-selling book while running around West Wing and that Bo had yet to even sign a book contract.

“President George W. Bush’s dog, Barney, made a video when he was in the White House,” Goldwater barked. “Just sayin’.”

“Bo will not be responding to some inside-the-Beltway Republican ankle-biter,” Bubba told reporters. “It’s beneath the dignity of the office.”

Financial analysts swilling latte at a crowded Starbucks on Wall Street acknowledged Tuesday that the Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) is based on nothing at all.

“If you thought it was just a made-up number that gives the newspapers something to report about the economy, well, go to the head of the class,” said analyst Suissebank W. Hedgefund.

For decades naive Americans clung to the belief that the Dow Jones average and the stock market were connected to the economy.

“It’s not any more connected to the economy than the National Basketball Association or ‘Dancing with the Stars,’” said Hedgefund.

“People think it’s driven by the unemployment rate or the strength of the dollar or the Gross National Product. Nah.”

Hedgefund agreed that the state of the Euro, for example, has no more to do with the stock market than volcanoes, Supreme Court appointments, or recalls of stinky lettuce.

“Please,” he said. “There’s a reason the number jumps around like the LA Lakers. It’s just that nobody knows what the reason is.

“Think of a rundown casino out on the edge of the gambling strip in Winnemucca, Nevada. Got the picture? Voila! New York Stock Exchange.”

Investment bankers at Crankypants, Swindle & Bigbonus said the swings and roundabouts of the market were based on sound economic principles.

“In an era of market volatility, we focus on value investing and the P/E ratio, assessing risk management and market capitalization,’ said Chief Embezzlement Officer Todd Crankypants. “Get it?”

To our readers: It has come to the attention of this reporter that a number of prestigious media outlets are now auctioning off internships for the privilege of fetching coffee and picking up dry cleaning in their snooty newsrooms.

Just the other day, something called the Huffington Post – already famous for not paying writers – peddled an internship for $9000.

Here at the Treetops Tattler, we frown on this outrageous development. Let the record show that The Tattler could hire two copy editors for $9000 and maybe have something left over for a flat screen TV.

But we won’t.

What?

Oh. Well, on second thought, we will.

Sources say that Vanity Fair, a big fat magazine with many pictures of Hollywood stars in abbreviated clothing, got $2,900 for a two-week internship. And Esquire magazine, which this veteran reporter remembers reading back when the Russians were scary, got $1000 for a week.

So we’re in. Jump-start your newspaper career and hit up Mom and Dad for the swag. Bidding for the two-week internship starts at $100, U.S.

And there are extras for the highest bidder: A treasured Tattler T-shirt from the famous “Christmas in July” party in ‘92. A vintage Tattler coffee cup with no lipstick smears from the society reporter. The chance to cover a Sewer Commission hearing so boring that you’ll wish you were never born.

And - best of all - an introductory lunch with yours truly at Roz’s for a taste of her incomparable urban cuisine (limit $7).

Time magazine is out with its annual list of the 100 most influential Americans and it makes about as much sense as an afternoon at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

“It’s better than ever,” said famed sociologist and Hollywood nightclub greeter Lance Ropeline.

“This year they have four chefs and a graffiti artist on the list but the Secretary of State didn’t make it.”

The long-awaited list is jammed with media personalities, rude judges of amateur TV talent shows, teenage cinema vampires, former Alaska governors, really important scientists you never heard of, Lady Gaga and the smart-alecky guy from “How I Met Your Mother.”

“This year we’ve got Bollywood represented for you Indian film buffs and there’s always at least one artist who lives in lower Manhattan and goes by just one name,” said Ropeline. “So that’s pretty exciting.”

The Time roster of folks we’re already pretty tired of hearing about comes during the annual spring ritual of list producing by the media.

In recent days, Internet prowlers have learned about the 10 worst U.S. cities, the 10 most livable cities, the 10 deadliest volcanoes and the 10 ooziest oil spills.

Up next: 10 best NASCAR mullets, 10 worst Lindsey Lohan movies, 10 best Wall Street alibis and the 10 scariest automobile recalls.

“This much we know,” said Ropeline. “All these lists, except for maybe the real estate ones, will have Oprah on them somewhere.”

At 2:34 a.m. last night, federal authorities raided the residence of the Delta Iota Kappa fraternity at Treetops University. For the past three weeks, neighbors had frequently complained to local officers about earsplitting music blaring from the house after midnight and unpleasant Sunday morning encounters with “brash ignoramuses.” Late last night, armed authorities were finally able to establish probable cause after deafening screeches and wails of “OH, THERE IS NO GOD!!!!” were heard coming from within the fraternity’s chapter house.

This morning’s bureau press release includes federal agents’ acknowledgment of clear evidence that the frat house living room/dance floor was used for, “bizarre initiation rituals including, but certainly not limited to, water-boarding helpless pledges with really, really cheap single malt and abysmal basement-bathtub-brewed snifter.” According to on-campus testimony, Treetops D.I.K. brothers affectionately refer to this rite as their “Abu Grab-some-ass” night.

And due to the sensitivity resulting from the fresh memories of human rights abuses perpetrated by the United States government, this recent hazing revelation has drawn international condemnation, most vocally from the Swiss and Portuguese.

Furthermore, an anonymous source within the federal squadron stated that hazing devices found in the frat house could very well be tantamount to a war crime, “albeit, a sophomoric, vaguely homoerotic one.”

Pledges were also forced to manage, subsidize, and take part in utterly politically incorrect house events, including “Trophy Wife” parties, “Jungle Fever” shindigs, and right-wing “To Catch an Illegal Immigrant” soirées.

According to Treetops legal expert Gloria DiMenico, the party themes alone amount to serious crimes against political correctness and violate Treetops’ “laws on common decency and non-douche-itude.”

“Armed with their inexpensive liquor, these cheapskate, degenerate frat-boys pose a clear and present threat to American civil society, much like Los Angeles gangland warfare and Donna Summer albums,” said DiMenico.

“Dirge-like frat-boy chants and their pastel are crimes enough!” she quickly added.

Researchers at the University of California-Davis who should maybe be getting out more believe they have established a link between eating chocolate and being depressed.

A study released last week with chocolate fingerprints smeared all over it found that men and women who ate the most chocolate had the most symptoms of depression.

Chocolate lovers, some of whom had been having a little nap, were mad enough to eat a box of Rolos, or maybe a few bags of M&Ms.

“We don’t know who Davis is but we don’t think having a little chocolate at 10 in the morning gives you the blues,” said noted candy expert Claude Kitkat.

“Love handles? Sure. Acne? Maybe. Depression? Here, have another bonbon.”

A number of highly scientific studies in recent years have been unable to determine if eating chocolate makes people depressed or if depressed people eat more chocolate because it makes then feel better. Or not.

Alert seventh graders point out that the same question could be asked about having a few beers at the ball game or parachuting out of airplanes or playing video games all afternoon or running away to join the rodeo.

“It’s kind of a cosmic question,” said Joy Almond, a pretty smart seventh grader. “Mom eats a big bowl of Mac and cheese and she tells me that it’s comfort food.

“I told her that a big bowl of chocolate-covered Cheerios is the same thing. Maybe I should be a scientist.”

As spring rolls around and the professional baseball season gets underway, retirees across the country are concerned about more than just where their team sits in the division standings.

Growing tired of comparing MLB teams based on stats and wins, old baseball lovers and other fans that make those mid-week day games recently found a new thing to argue about when discussing baseball.

“Recently, the number one concern when I talk to my buddies is what kind of food your team’s stadium offers,” Roy “Louisville” McSlugger commented.

“I’m a Brewers fan, and our five dollar brats at Miller Park are pretty high up in my standings right now.”

The fans have broken the food rankings into three categories—value, taste, and selection—and release team rankings based on this information every week.

“I’ve been traveling around the country with my wife, trying the different foods at each stadium,” diehard Braves fan Willie Cedarwood said from the steps of his RV.

“So far the Phillies are in the lead without question. Their Two-Dollar Cheesesteak Tuesdays offer great value and superb taste.”

In the latest rankings, the New York Yankees rank last, with fans citing their 12-dollar beer and slim food selection as really holding back the “Bronx Bombers” potential.

Even without the batting averages and home run counts, fans are still managing to quarrel endlessly over who the best team is.

“Philadelphia? Really?,” McSlugger responded. “I’m going with Kansas City to win the World Series of Food over the Brewers. The barbeque at Kauffman Stadium was phenomenal.”

The 20th anniversary of the orbiting Hubble Space Telescope has set off a flurry of stunning pictures from deep space and changes in how the space program spends money.

“In the future the beautiful images taken by the telescope will have to be flown back by the space shuttle and processed at a Walgreen’s in Cocoa Beach, Fla.,” said famous space brainiac Werner von Cheapskate.

“In the current economic climate there are going to have to be some alterations in how we operate the telescope,” he said.

“By doing this we can probably save the money to keep the space shuttle flying back and forth and doing those cool landings with the parachute out the back. You get the idea.”

Cuts to the space program budget mean some other cost-cutting looks for NASA.

“We may do some car pooling with the Russians on the space shuttle,” said von Cheapskate, “and we have a recycling program in the works for all the stuff we’ve left floating up there since 1963.”

NASA rejected the idea that future astronauts will be charged for carrying personal baggage aboard spacecraft.

“We are going to limit the number of carry-on bags, however,” said von Cheapskate.

“If the astronauts wants to bring on their own drinks and snacks, maybe some nice Chex Mix or granola, we’re fine with that. And you won’t see so many of those videos with the astronauts singing Christmas carols and such. Every penny counts these days.”

Welsh tourism officials may petition the International World Court in protest of the mind-boggling name of the Icelandic volcano pouring ash into European skies this month.

“The thing is called Eyjafjallajokull,” said Welsh mapmaker Trevor Cornish-Pasties. “We’re the country with the names and places you can’t pronounce. Everybody knows that. Our map looks like the guy carrying all the letters fell down.”

Wales is home to the most famous – and most often misspelled – village train station in the Western Hemisphere. That’d be Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, on an island in far northern Wales.

“That’s the shortened version,” said Cornish-Pasties. “Let’s see Iceland top that!”

The Welsh are proud of the scores of unpronounceable monikers attached to the places they call home, from Abertysswg to Ysstrad Mynach.

“When you come to our country you can visit Maesycwmmer or Bwich Oerddrws or Troedrhiwfuwch or Pwllypant,” said Hilda Jones Jones, the nation’s Vowelmaster General.

“You can stay at Llancaich Fawr manor, or book a bed and breakfast on the River Usk. There’s the cider festival near Abergavenny, of course, and the seaside festival at Pwllheli and any proper Welsh breakfast comes with cockles and Laverbread, a lovely edible seaweed.”

Jones Jones noted that with recent changes to international Scrabble rules allowing for proper nouns, spelling out the old Welsh district of Mynyddislwyn (say “manu-this-loin”), would be worth, well, a bunch of points.

Iceland could not be reached for comment.

The poker industry today denied that their sport, which generally involves pale, aging men wearing sunglasses playing cards inside Indian casinos, accounts for the most boring American television sports programming.

“Well, that’s just wrong,” said TV poker industry spokesman Woodrow “Chips” Holdem.

“We’ve got Mr. Kotter from ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’ in a bunch of our tournaments, and we’ve got a lot of pretty women walking around the table doing something. How is that more boring than cutting down trees on ESPN?”

An unscientific survey of TV sports programming reveals that the right to be called the most boring sports program is hotly contested.

Sluggo McBluray, an unemployed house painter, estimates he watches 14 hours of sports programming every day, more when there’s golf on the weekend. He says he’s seen more bad TV than Jerry Springer.

“It’s a tough call with the boring sports programming,” Blueray said.

“How do you factor in shows where newspaper sportswriters, who frankly look a lot like the poker players except for the cowboys hats, yell at each other about the NBA draft for what seems like hours? Now that’s boring.”

Still, most agree watching poker on TV rivals logrolling by fat guys in Lycra and bass fishing, where they tie the fish up under the boat (allegedly), viewing guaranteed to put the most avid rooter into a catatonic state.

Poker mouthpiece “Chips” Holdem disagrees:

“I once slipped into a near coma watching a billiards tournament and I’m not even going to talk about bowling.

Cable TV’s array of “funniest video” programs are expected to observe a moment of silence to note the recent passing of the inventor of the trampoline.

“Well, they should,” said home recreation expert Mary Lou Limber.

“There are hours and hours of footage of people doing really stupid things on the trampoline. It seems to be the plaything of choice for stupid people.”

George Nissen invented the trampoline in Iowa in1937 and he took the name from the Spanish word for “diving board.”

Almost immediately, people of all ages began flying off the device in all directions, crashing through the suspension springs, sailing over the rubberized edge and crashing into the fence or the propane tank or the dog house or the dog.

“There was a time, say, in the 1960s and 70s when the words ‘Can we get a trampoline’ would reduce the average suburban Mom to tears,” said Ms. Limber.

“Kids like to get on the trampoline two or three or at a time, increasingly the chances they will collide and crack their heads like coconuts. And what could be better than crazy Uncle Al with the beer gut deciding to try a somersault?”

Not much if you watch video compilations that show up on cable more often than “Law and Order” and reveal all manner of lunatic behavior on – and off - the “bounce mat.”

“Moi, I like ze bride falling into ze wedding cake,” said French video film critic Pierre de Pio. “But ze trampoline is fantastique. Without ze trampoline, no funniest home video industry.”

If you’re up at night worrying about the melting of the polar ice caps, experts in lab coats say there is another cosmic change on the horizon – a horizon that looks smeared green and yellow with pollen.

The Pollen Sneeze Cap, which extends from the Maine woods to the Florida Keys and is centered near the Vince Lombardi Service Area on the New Jersey Turnpike, is spewing pollen at a record rate this spring.

“You got your oak pollen, your birch pollen, your hollyhock pollen, your castor bean pollen,” said climatologist Vickie Visine.

“It’s brutal. During the Masters golf in Georgia Tiger Woods was coughing up a lung and it had nothing to do with his girlfriends.”

In an 1153-page report, the United Nations Task Force on Mucus has compared the impact of tree pollen to the global polar ice cap situation.

For example Antarctica at the South Pole contains 90 percent of the ice on the planet. If the ice caps were to melt, ocean levels would rise approximately 200 feet and put a definite crimp in the Fourth of July weekend plans at the beach.

“Sure, that’d be bad,” said meteorologist Cliff “Leaky” Cynouss, “but this pollen is making me crazy.

“The sneezing, the wheezing, the eyes watering. I’m short of breath. I’m spending a fortune on Kleenex. My shoes are covered in pollen glue and my car is, well, ick.”

Experts blame the East Coast pollen tsunami this year on the harsh winter, unusually warm April temperatures or Joe Biden.

A new dinosaur species unearthed last month by fossil hunters in rural China has enraged the American coyote community.

The diminutive beast, identified as an Alvarezsaur by really smart guys with shovels, is small, long-legged, built for speed and really, really dead.

Scientists say the creature lived about 85 million years ago, long before the invention of Chinese takeout or Saturday morning cartoons.

They say it bears some resemblance to the American roadrunner and New Mexico state bird, Geococcyx Californianus.

This species chases insects and tarantulas along the side of the Interstate and makes your kids go nuts and ask for more apple juice when they see one.

Scientists at the Palo Alto Institute of Bird Stuff could not explain why the New Mexico state bird was named Californianus.

“We’re busy,” said avian expert Scarlette Tanager. “Go away.”

The new fossil, discovered in the middle of nowhere, is called Xixianykus Zhangi, which is not nearly as interesting as the species identified years ago by cartoon paleontologist Chuck Jones as Batoutahelius, Velocitus tremenjus and Speedipus-rex.

Scientists in China think the Alvarezsaur may have sported tiny feathers, a fact certain to upset irate coyotes wandering in the desert falling off cliffs.

“They say he’s 85 million years old,” said a well-known U.S. coyote who requested anonymity so as not to alert the roadrunner. “I’ve only been chasing the darn thing for 60 years or so. I gotta tell ya, it’s a little depressing.”

A spokesman for the Acme Corporation declined to comment.

Steve Jabs, the owner of a car wash on the outskirts of Buffalo, N.Y., says he is not going to buy an Apple IPad and there’s nothing anyone can do to make him.

“I saw the covers of Time and Newsweek,” said Jabs. “I saw Katie Couric talking about it on TV and my cousin Lindsey hasn’t talked about anything else for a month. But I don’t care. Not interested.”

Jabs’ refusal to cave into the advertising campaign and media blitz for the new tablet computer/laptop replacer/magic carpet ride has thrown the consumer electronics industry news into frenzy.

“Who does this guy think he is?” asked industry spokesperson Amanda Powerpoint. “It only costs about $600 to get started. There’s 150,000 apps. This chump needs to get in the game.”

“I got a cell phone,” said Jabs. “Then my wife told me I had to have a Blackberry so I got one of them. I got a GPS system for the Buick cause it’s easy to get lost in all the snow up here. But that’s it.”

Jabs’ children say they are irate and embarrassed by their father’s stubborn behavior.

“Everyone was like down at the Apple store the day the IPads came out but Dad was working in his garage,” said son Brandon.

“Those poor kids,” said Ms. Powerpoint.

“Real Americans know that when a new product like this comes out they should be camped out in front of the store with a backpack full of Chex Mix, muffins and vitamin water. It’s the American way.”

Spring training is over for the local Nuthatches and the long-awaited return of the Three-A (Avian) League baseball season starts next week.

“It’s a tough division,” said veteran Nuthatch skipper Cecil “Sudsy” Audubon.

“You got your Wrens, your Tanagers, your Warblers, your Screech Owls, your Flickers, your Cormorants. Your Snowy Egrets are young but they could surprise some people.”

Fans of the Nuthatches would just as soon forget last season, which was marred by multiple arrests, the deportation of the team’s star shortstop, the disappearance of the team mascot and the unfortunate climax of “Nickel Beer Night.”

“Water under the bridge,” said team owner Shelton “Red” Finch. “As you know, our third baseman is no longer seeing the pop star and we expect the grand jury will not return indictments in the poaching case. So let’s play ball!”

A sellout crowd is expected at Albatross Stadium for the home opener against the Warblers.

Rookie phenom Esteban “Lefty” Merganser, who pitched in the Pileated Woodpecker League last season, will start for the local nine and team announcer Billy Ray “Croak” Grackle is excited at the prospect.

“This bird has got it all,” said Grackle, beginning his 49th season in the broadcast nest for the Nuthatches.

“The fans are in for a treat, if it don’t rain, and the first 200 fledglings through the turnstiles, accompanied by an adult, will get a complimentary “I Survived Nickel Beer Night” T-shirt. Heck, it don’t get any better than that.”

With the imminent premiere of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in theaters everywhere, we here at The Treetops Tattler see this as Nostradamus’s best kept "secret sign" for the end of the world.

Therefore, barricaded your domiciles, bury all your cash in the backyard, and hide your women in undisclosed locations, because the end of the world is most definitely nigh.

According to calculations made on a stolen iPad, The Treetops Tattler is 98.7 percent sure that the end of the world will come to pass at midnight. We are so confident of our information we aren't going to bother setting our alarm clocks for work tomorrow. It and we won't be here.

Of course, there IS a 1.3 percent chance that we're completely wrong about this… in which case, we take it all back.

But, assuming we are correct, there are a few extremely irresponsible things we would really love to do before it's all over.

1. Require all members of Congress to breath helium while filibustering.

2. Start a religious cult that requires all worshipers to drop trou and moon Rush Limbaugh five times a day.

3. Set everyone's tax returns on fire with napalm.

4. Hack into the White House communications system and use the "red" phone in the oval office to call the leaders of China. Play the sounds of a dozen whoopee cushions going off simultaneously, followed by 30 seconds of electronically amplified "raspberries" played backwards.

5. And last but definitely not least, since the world is going to end anyway, enthusiastically support Sarah Palin for president in 2012.

The U.S. Bureau of Fun Facts estimates it will take the average person either 10 minutes or a week to 10 days to fill out this survey. Use a pen. With ink in it.

1) How many nights a week does your family watch “American Idol,” “Survivor” or that Donald Trump show? __

2) How many members of your family believe President Obama was born in another country? __ How many members of your family believe Hawaii is another country? __

3) How many times a week do members of your family go to the Walmart? __

For household items? __
For clothes? __
For food? __
For a social life? __

4) How many members of your family actually work at Walmart? __

5) Would you describe your family members as close knit? __
Heavily armed? __ Chronically obese? __

6) Is there someone in your household – not a blood relative - who is just really getting on your last nerve? __ Identify. _______

7) Who is cuter? Miley Cyrus __ or Taylor Swift __ C’mon. No waiting.

8) Should Tiger’s wife like totally bail on him for running around with those floozies or should she just hang in there and take the money or what? ______

9) How many members of your family think Jimmie Johnson wins too many NASCAR races? __ Has Dale Earnhardt Jr. been pretty much of a disappointment to you and your family? __

10) Coke Zero __ or Pepsi Free __? Taco Bell __ or Sonic __? Bud Light __ or Miller Light __? Domino’s __ or Papa John’s __?

As cubicled workers, office grunts, and supervisors alike are filling out their college basketball brackets, some see unfound potential in March Madness.

Spending hours filling out their NCAA Tournament brackets instead of working, CEOs of several Fortune 500 companies want to start using brackets to make crucial business decisions.

“If you look at the amount of time and effort my employees put into obsessing over who that dark horse team will be this year, using brackets for other decisions could be very effective”, said Goracon Co. President Jerry Kruppman.

“I love brackets - just yesterday, I was watching that Southwestern State-Woodsdale matchup, great game by the way, during that one meeting,” said distracted program assistant Milllard Gilman.

Big companies are ambitious about these brackets, and plan to rely on them for issues including how to allocate the company budget, what corporate mergers to agree to, and where to go for the annual company trip.

“I brought up using brackets to decide who we should merge with at the meeting last week, but everyone was too busy obsessing over their Sweet Sixteen matchups to get the idea off the ground,” commented Kruppman.

The head honchos feel that the work ethic their employees take toward their college basketball brackets will carry over to choices that could change the global economy.

“The potential is definitely there,” said Harold Kraus III, head of Kraus Banking Associates, of the idea. “I think Buenos Aires might pull an upset over Cancun for the company trip next year.”

The Knucklehead Protection Agency (KPA) has declared the car title an endangered species as millions of Americans contemplating a steady diet of cat food sign up for car-titles loans.

“We saw the ads on TV,” said Jason the Z-Man, an unemployed pool cabana attendant in Apalachicola Springs, Fla.

“Man, you just take the old car title down to ‘CashFerNuthin’ at the mall and they give you the money. Cool.”

People with common sense – and their cars - point out that Jason will probably pay $375 a month for the $1500 he scored and after a year or so he’ll still owe the $1500. Then someone will come and take away the car.

“That was like never mentioned on TV or when I talked to the dude at the mall,” said Jason. “Seems pretty bogus.”

Consumer advocates are concerned that some of our fellow citizens think the lenders just want to hang on to the car titles, not the cars.

“We certainly don’t want to hinder the fine men and woman doling out the easy money but some of us feel that interest rates of 250 percent may be a tad unreasonable,” said Congressman Orrin T. Foolsgold.

“These regulations will put us out of business,” said car-title loan industry spokesperson Ernie Madoff.

“If these pencil-neck bureaucrats tell us we can’t charge whatever interest rate we want, well, I know I don’t want to raise my children in a country like that.”

With a Devil’s cavalcade of tea-bagger-centric conservatism, Capitol Dome heckling that would make a Buffalo Bills fan blush, and wet-fingered House Democrats uneasy about any reconciliation process, the Obama White House is forging a compromise on health care the only way it knows how: gambling.

In a recent Twitter-ready press release, the Obama administration has reaffirmed their support for affordable government-sponsored health care:

“In an effort to end the legislative convolution and media maelstrom, the Democrats are going to scrap their existing health care bill. Instead, we're gonna keep it simple: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden will personally pay for the medical expense of anyone who can beat them at either a game of black jack or in a staring contest, whichever is preferred by the citizen.”

The new executive order and national wager has attracted clamorous jeers from reactionary politicos and pundits who claim that the new proposal is, “just another road to socialist tyranny... Vegas style.”
Ever-popular Fox News and radio swine-mandrill Glenn Beck had this to say:

“I want specific assurances that my tax dollars won’t be going to alleviate the prostate spasms of Obama’s lawn trimmer just because the guy was able to out-gamble our Kenyan commander in chief by doubling down!”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel issued a response to Beck’s right-wing squawking. In accordance with FCC rules and regulations, Emanuel’s retort can only appear in print in the following form: &#$@ that ****!!!

Next year’s Academy Awards will feature a popular new category, one sure to delight animal lovers and Internet surfers of all persuasions.

The newest Oscar will be awarded for the Best Precious & Adorable Animal Video.

“These are the films of the people,” said Jean-Claude Sinema, curator of the Cinematique du Baby Raccoons in Culver City, CA. “I mean, how many times can they remake “The Bourne Identity?”

Connoisseurs of the videos point to the enduring popularity of the one where the baby ducks are playing with the coyote, or the one where the baby deer is sleeping on the hood of the car, or the one where the hedgehog is coming in through the doggy door in the kitchen.

“Classics,” said amateur filmmaker Cecil Bedamille.

“”The Hurt Locker” is a fine film, but what about “Sneezing Panda?” What about “Otters Holding Hands?” “What about “Ocelot Adopts Baby Hamster” or “Drunk Moose in Driveway?’

Although the Academy Awards are nearly a year away, early favorites for the inaugural Oscar include “Skateboarding Bunny,” “Grizzly Bear Drinks Coffee” and “Mountain Lion Nurses German Shepherd Puppy.”

The U.S. Bureau of Counting Important Stuff estimates that viewing of You Tube videos devoted to animal cuteness accounts for 29 percent of annual productivity loss in the workplace.

“It’s right behind texting and, this time of year, filling out brackets for the NCAA basketball tournament,” said federal accountant Tommy “Fingers” Fingers.

“I’m no movie critic but I like the one where the duck chases the big longhorn steer. Cracks me up.”

This week the CEO of a big ‘ol company that owns a whole bunch of newspapers and radio stations in the Great Midwest released a list of words and phrases he says he doesn’t want to hear on his flagship radio station any more.

The banned list, revealed on a day when there was actual news being committed, includes “campaign trail,” “sources say,” “vehicle,” “aftermath,” “reportedly,” “incarcerated” and “shots rang out.”

Reaction from the comic strip industry was immediate. Elmer F. Muttanjeff, Chief Whiteout Officer (CWO) for the Institute of Cartoon Correctness (ICC), said the times are changing.

“We’ve given this little or no thought but we’re taking action,” said Muttanjeff, who wears a bowler hat, has big floppy ears and owns a talking aardvark.

“In the future, artists of the funny papers will be required to avoid the use of the terms “Argghh!” “Snap!” “Pow!” (also “Kapow!” and “Kerpow!”) “Zoom!” “Rrring!” (as in the telephone) and “Horsefeathers!”

Muttanjeff said the industry is taking a hard look at “Whoomp!” “Whoosh!” “Swoosh!” “Sluurrp!” “Zap!” as well as “Smack!” and “Smooch!” (as in kiss).

“And the days of the “Zzzzz” to indicate that the dopey husband is asleep are over, my friend,” he said.

Other changes may be on the way. Muttanjeff says a National ‘Toon Task Force is examining the role of dinosaurs running lemonade stands, housewives opening the door for husbands returning home from work and even coyotes plunging off cliffs.

“Splat!”

The big dogs are off the porch after the victory by Sadie the Scottish terrier in the recent Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York City.

Larger breeds say they are mad enough to eat Christmas tree ornaments and are demanding their own national event in the wake of yet another triumph by a pooch no bigger than a half gallon of ice cream.

“Every year it’s the same thing,” said group spokesdog Roofus, a 125-pound bloodhound.

“We win our groups then some old lady in a blue dress gives the big prize to some itsy-bitsy Pomeranian or awful little Shih Tzu. Quite frankly, we big dogs have had it.”

Sources say resentment has been building for dog years among your Great Danes, your Bernese Mountain Dogs, your Rhodesian Ridgebacks, your Irish wolfhounds and other breeds the size of small ponies.

“We were supposed to get all lathered up when that beagle won best in show a couple of years ago,” said Hooker, a Siberian Husky.

“I mean, he was a nice dog and all but he could still hide behind my water bowl. It’s sizeism, pure and simple.”

“We’re not asking for much,” said Fridge, a Mastiff with a head the size of a bar stool. “Just give us our own show with no yappy little dogs who look like sponges. In our show, the dogs have to be big enough to take up the whole back seat in the minivan.”

Pizza industry officials acknowledge that the ferocious competition among pizza chains for shares of the $30 billion market has led to a growing revenue crisis.

“Turns out we’ve been giving the darn things away,” said Leonard Foccacio, a spokesman for the Guido Pizza Institute in Boonton, New Jersey.

“Frankly we got a little carried away with the two-for-one and three-for-one and the extra toppings and the free hot wings and the cinnamon rolls and the two-liter freebie of soda pop.”

Weary, bloated Americans have endured hours of TV ads assuring them they could get two Small pizzas with every Large pizza, free breadsticks with an Extra Large, free garlic fingers with every four-topping “Specialty” pizza and a bundle of cheese sticks and a discount coupon with every “Ultimate” pie.

“By the time the Winter Olympics were over, our research showed that 17 percent of Americans believed the head of the company would bring the pizza to their house,” said Foccacio.

The annual “Stuffed Crusts” report issued by the Guido Pizza Institute indicates that there are roughly 70,000 pizza outlets in the U.S. The study shows that every man, woman and child consumes an average of 46 pizza slices per year and that 82% of those asked believe the pizza in their home town was better.

“Looks like we’ve been giving our customers about $12 worth of fat and cholesterol for every $10 we charge them,” Foccacio said. “You can do that in Washington, but not with fast food.”

Professional tennis players from the small countries of the world, those ones you can’t even pronounce, all agree on one thing: the location of professional tennis tournaments needs to change.

Tournaments are currently held in a select group of European countries and the United States, and players from Tiwihita, Hebekistan, and Nuhara are joining together to form the Players for the Relocation of Tennis Tournaments (PRTT).

“I’m tired of hanging out in the same cities every year - Paris, New York, London - it’s time we go for more exotic locations,” said Nuharan tennis pro Ludwig Leddleton.

So where does the PRTT want to move the tournaments to? Well, they aren’t just looking for a simple change of country.

“I say we try underwater tennis. Just throw on some scuba gear, and you’ve got a much more exciting game than the old, regular tennis,” remarked Yaroslav Wzelbecha, a player from Hezbekistan.

“I love the underwater idea - it’s definitely time to spice it up a bit,” responded Tiwihitan Togo Gafika, currently the 456th ranked tennis player in the world.

PRTT members also call for a change of location to make tournaments fairer by literally taking the crowd out of it. Representing the countries that nobody can find on a map, they believe that their big-country rivals have an advantage playing in their home countries.

“Getting booed at every event is really getting old,” commented Leddleton. “I think we should play on the moon. Zero gravity, space suits - it doesn’t get much better than that.”

Auto industry executives are poised to replace the soon-to-disappear Hummer with a new model designed to reflect the current state of U.S. manufacturing – the Bummer.

The macho Hummer, introduced in 1992 with the backing of a certain heavily-accented actor-governor from the Left Coast, has gone to the big impound lot in the sky, with sales falling like approval ratings for Congress.

“We were looking for a replacement vehicle that might combine the waste and inefficiency of the Hummer with the lack of dependability of a Saab and the recall potential of the Toyota,” said auto industry consultant Edsall W. Brakeshaft.

The Hummer will be tough to match. It was too big to park, got about 12 miles per gallon, tore up highway surfaces and frightened your VWs and your minivans.

“The cool thing is that because the Hummer was classified as a truck it skipped over a lot of those pesky safety regulations, like safety locks for kids and stability control,” said Brakeshaft.

“Stability control is for wimps,” said Gale Yaborough of the nonprofit Institute for Big Car Wrecks.

“The Hummer was originally designed to be driven near the Arctic Circle, so of course it was perfect for driving on I-95 in New Jersey.”

The Bummer will be less ambitious, auto experts say.

“Stuff will not work too well but it will be the small stuff,” said Brakeshaft. “The glove compartment won’t close, the tires will stay out of alignment – you’ll never get it through inspection the first time.”

Thousands of kids are expected to mass outside a sprawling Cineplex in suburban Chicago next week to protest attacks on their favorite food – the hot dog.

“We like hot dogs,’ said group spokeskid Fenway Park, who is seven years old.

“We like them pretty much three times a day, usually with fries, and we don’t want some vegetable-eating grownups messing with our faves.”

A national medical organization has called for a redesign of the hot dog to protect against accidents while ingesting the encased meat product, which was invented in Germany (frankfurter) or in Austria (wiener) or in Coney Island N.Y. in 1870 or at the World’s Fair in Chicago in 1893.

“Don’t care,” said Fenway’s little sister, Tiffany, clutching a juice box. “If there aren’t any hot dogs when we go to the movies or the mall or the beach, well, let’s just say Mom and Dad won’t get a moment’s peace.”

Parents are taking the threats to their peace and quiet seriously. There’s little doubt hot dogs are wildly popular with the younger set.

“Sophisticated market research tells us that we sell like a gazillion hot dogs every week,” said a spokeswoman for a sausage organization in New York City with a really long name.

“We don’t ask for much,” said Fenway Park. “A few video games, a big screen TV, a cool phone when we get a little older, maybe a puppy. But we have our limits. Don’t mess with the hot dogs.”

Eva Langourous, a well-educated mother of two in McLean Va., is furious about the recall of the Amish built fireplace mantle she purchased after seeing it advertised in a Sunday newspaper magazine supplement.

“It looked so warm and cozy in the paper,” said Langourous, who bought a second heater for her beach house.

“It’s not like we bought a Japanese car or a killer baby stroller,” she said. “I mean, it’s Amish. It’s like hearing about a fudge recall.”

Problems with the electric space heaters came as a shock to thousands of upper-middle class Americans who didn’t know they had bought an electric space heater.

“It looked so wood stove-y,” Ms. Langourous complained. “It has that wonderful fireplace glow."

“My husband and I didn’t care where the glow came from because we didn’t have to bother with a pesky chimney or vents or smoke or, like, wood.”

In Amish country, everyone was having a good chuckle over a cup of traditional Meadow tea.

“It’s a traditional Amish construction if you buy the idea that there are Amish people building electric space heaters in China,” said an Amish craftsman identified only as Zebediah.

Zebediah noted that traditional Amish people do not use electricity and most heat their homes with wood-burning cast-iron stoves or propane.

“If you want to buy something Amish that will keep you warm,” said Zebediah, “try buying a quilt.”

Some Members of Congress - but not many – are protesting an attempt by the banking industry to have all adult Americans wear their credit score numbers on their persons at all times.

“We think that Shaquille O’Neal has established the importance of the credit score for most Americans and we just want to take it to the next level,” said Casper W. Bayleout, a spokesperson for the bankers.

Bayleout said a few rounds of fresh campaign contributions would quiet congressional naysayers.

Under the new system, Americans would be given a handsome red, white and blue badge emblazoned with their credit score from one of the three main reporting agencies.

“We were batting this idea around back when we were counting all the money we got from the government rescue last year,” said Bayleout.

“Let’s face it, most Americans have about a gazillion dollars in credit card debt and we want them to be responsible, which is pretty funny when you think about it. I mean, we were about as responsible as a plague of locusts and we’re doing fine.”

The credit report system is scientifically designed to raise consumer blood pressure while protecting the backsides of mortgage lenders, landlords, car dealers, insurance companies and people who sell you bedroom sets that you will never finish paying for.

“It’s super,” said Bayleout. “People who watch those three teenage morons playing guitars on the TV commercials think the credit report folks work for them. It’s hilarious.”

Looking forward to the next Winter Games, the International Olympic Federation Advisory Panel on Making Up Snowy Sports (IOFAPMUSS) is planning to offer new events where international competitors shovel out their cars from under crippling snowstorms.

“We’re darned excited about it,’ said Panel spokesperson Sven Schusser.

“The fact that millions of Americans are digging out of various blizzards while curling teams are ramping up the excitement in Vancouver got us thinking.

“As we see it now, the competitors will be required to dig a recalled Toyota Camry out of six feet of snow. OK, two meters of snow. In the team competition, it’ll be a recalled Toyota Highlander SUV.”

Schusser said he expected the Japanese automakers would be willing to donate the recalled vehicles to the next Winter Games in Russia:

“We think this kind of event will appeal to real people, people who might be a little confused by your biathlon, your moguls and half pipe, your ice dancing. Why not digging out the car?”

Anthony “Big Mittens” Incantaloupo, a city sanitation department worker from the Northwest Side of Chicago, says he’s excited about the prospect of bringing home Olympic gold.

“What the heck,” he said. “In Chicago we’re shoveling the car out between October and the baseball season anyway.”

“Big Mittens” says he and his brother, Phil, plan to chase their Olympic dream.

“And we can show those Russians and Canadians a few things about moving the snow,” he said.

Parents and children in Rumandcoke, Utah discovered this week that their new library and community-learning center has no books.

“It’s the latest thing,” said Rumandcoke School Board President Orrin B. Lackberry. “The whole book thing is very Dewey Decimal System, isn’t it?

“Here at the new Learning Center we got a cyber-center. We got an outreach center. We got a cross-cultural center. Books on tape? Oh, yeah. Everything is wireless – not a darn wire in the whole place.

“We had some actual books over there in the Kids’ Corner but they seemed to get in the way of the video games and the kids watching Curious George, so we put ‘em in storage.”

Educators say the bookless library ends the logistical nightmare of people borrowing books and date-stamping them, taking them home and not returning them until Grandpa passes away.

“It’s a wonderful life,” said Rumandcoke Senior Database Manager Mary Hatch Bailey. “Everything gets run through a scanner, just like at Home Depot.

“We did have a few old crankypants types in here looking for books but we feel like they’ll get with the program. I mean, why read a book when you can have Brooke Shields or Weird Al Yankovic read it to you?”

Mr. Lackberry said those holding actual books from the old library will have until Memorial Day to return them or be fined 29 cents.

“We did have that one book first week we opened,” said Lackberry. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ I think it was called. Somebody stole it.”

Officials planning for Super Bowl XLV next year in Texas say they are facing a shortage of aging, doddering rock bands to perform at the halftime show.

“We may have hit rock bottom, so to speak, with The Who this year in Miami,” said Super Bowl consultant Ryan Piecrust. “Let’s face it, they looked like the cast of ‘Cocoon.’”

In the early days Super Bowl halftimes featured college marching bands, the toothy, star-spangled Up with People troupe and, one year, Mickey Rooney. But in the last 20 years the search has been on for bands that may appeal to creaky Baby Boomers.

“Bruce Springsteen didn’t have his best night at the Super Bowl,” said Piecrust, “and the Rolling Stones, well, some people said they looked like drunk old women.”

The annual search for a legendary halftime band has produced, among others, Sir Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Aerosmith, Michael Jackson, Sting, Diana Ross, the Miami Sound Machine, ‘N Sync, P Diddy, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, No Doubt, New Kids on the Block and Janet Jackson, with Justin Timberlake.

“Remember Shania Twain?” asked Piecrust. “Really. Shania Twain. Super Bowl XXXVII in San Diego.

“Now we’re taking another look at Styx, Blur Oyster Cult, Electric Light Orchestra, maybe Grand Funk Railroad. Some of the newer bands are just as bad without ever being good, but, hey, we have a tradition.”

In his first interview since arriving in China, celebrity giant panda Tai Shan told the Panda News Network (PNN) that he had enjoyed his stay in the United States but found the people confusing.

“They’re nice and all, but kind of crazy,” the four-year-old ailuropoda melanoleuca said. “Apparently every one of them owns a camera phone and they just about drove me nuts in the panda enclosure.”

Tai Shan, who will be living at the Panda Breeding Base, said he found many of the American children at the National Zoo loud and unruly.

“Screaming and yelling, throwing stuff when I was trying to catch a little nap in the tree, that kind of thing,” he said.

“It got old. I tried to talk to the handlers but, hey, we were moving the panda T-shirts and the slurpy cups. Business is business.”

The panda said he had to adjust to the mysterious ways of the locals.

“They’re freaked out by snowstorms, makes them crazy,” he said. “And some football team called the Washington Redskins. They go on and on about them.”

Tai Shan had kind words for his American handlers but said he could never get them to stop giving him huge frozen popsicles made of fruits and vegetables.

“I think it was a language problem,’ he said. “The ice, man, it was killing my teeth. I mean, pandas live in the jungle. Hello.”

As for the future, Tai Shan is a key player in China’s panda breeding program.

“Hey, someone has to do it,” he said.

Early this morning Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, chief reporter for The Treetops-Tattler, was arrested for refusing to reveal the source of his shocking story about the true identity of Bo, the White House dog.

Fishhawk's story, first published in The Treetops-Tattler, disclosed startling information about Bo that the White House claims is classified top-secret for national security reasons. When pressed to reveal his source, Fishhawk declined and was dragged off, kicking and screaming, to the Treetops County Jail.

Fishhawk, a 32-year veteran journalist, was then brought before a judge at the Inferior Court of Treetops where he continued his refusal to disclose and was found in contempt of court. He is being held without bond and will remain in custody until he complies.

I, P. Martin Shoemaker, publisher of The Treetops-Tattler, stand firmly behind my reporter during the crisis. I ardently believe in the First Amendment right to freedom of the press and will continue to support the Perfesser for as long as it takes… unless I find out that this is some kind of sleazy trick he's pulled to get out of work.

We all remember the story. As a reward to his daughters Sasha and Malia, President Obama, on election night promised them a dog. That dog turned out to be Bo, a Portuguese Water Dog who, according to the White House website, was a gift from Senator and Mrs. Kennedy.

However, The TreetopsTattler.com has uncovered surprising information about Bo. It seems that his origin may indeed be a deep cover story planted by a super-secret and possibly foreign government agency for, until now, unfathomable reasons.

An anonymous source has revealed this shocking fact. When Bo first entered the White House, he was covered with bugs. And we're not talking about the kind with wings and legs. We're talking ultra-sophisticated state-of-the-art listening devices.

Our source further disclosed that while scrambling to trace the origin of these bugs, White House Security uncovered an even more startling revelation. Bo started life as a Russian Wolfhound.

The Tattler has learned that, prior to his adoption, Bo underwent radical cosmetic surgery, neural enhancements and special operative training which included the latest in canine martial arts, intense, in-depth language studies, and extremely advanced mathematics.

It is believed that Bo can understand and speak 53 feline dialects including those spoken by Persian, Maine Coon, Brooklyn Wooley, Burmilla Longhair, Sphynxamese, and Tonkinese cats. Bo also speaks fluent "dog" which is, of course, universal throughout the world. Woof.

How Bo will use his math skills is yet unclear but speculation persists that his mission may include international-level canine/feline diplomatic negotiations.

Could Bo be the dog who does the impossible? Could he bring an end to the state of war that has existed between cats and dogs for more than 6000 years?

Or could Bo be planning to use his enormous mathematical intellect to create a quantum state where cats are neither alive or dead? Just in a box someplace where they can't bother anybody?

Only time will tell.

As to stay in line with the ongoing trend of stylish political detachment and governmental ennui, Washington’s power elite and opposition figures alike have started hiring “speech-imparters” and “speech-sayers” along with their standard speechwriters and communication directors.

Recently, the nation’s key figures have been reaching out to famous screen actors, offering the professional thespian community part-time gigs as their “rhetoric proxies.” For an average fee of $65 a word, politicians are now reserving movie stars to deliver speeches so they don’t have to. Dennis Kucinich has praised the new idea as, “brilliant,” and stated that, “we can all finally get down to some serious legislating, now that we do not have to waste time at press conferences or at university lectures, anymore.”

However, some say this is about more than just increasing efficiency among senators and congressmen. According to an anonymous congressional aide, the recent development is actually about nothing more than, “political handlers finding an effective alternative to certain elected officials’ crushing inability to regurgitate formed sentences. I mean, seriously? Did you ever listen to Jimmy Carter talk? Or John Boehner, for that matter?”

He went on to say, “Also, it just makes things way easier on the ears of the speechwriter. I mean, I’ve always dreamt of the day that Daniel Day-Lewis would powerfully utter my written words.”

The trend has been sweeping the American political landscape. Yesterday, Mitt Romney hired Gary Busey as his official “oratory-communicator.” Three weeks ago, Nancy Pelosi hired Brigitte Anne-Marie Bardot. Joe Biden hired Brooke Shields last month. Scott Brown just hired Rob Lowe. And Arnold Schwarzenegger recently hired Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In related entertainment news, video of actors delivering such addresses and speeches is now eligible for submission for Academy Award consideration.

Under siege from irate consumers, Congress is moving to establish a Bureau of Permanent Poor Product Recall (BOPPR) to track the tsunami of broken, life-threatening and/or poisonous products now on the shelves.

“Had to recall some of those nice Japanese cars just the other week,” said Rep. Phineas T. Warranty, chairman of the House Select Committee on Broken Stuff. “Something about the accelerator pedal getting stuck. Heck of a thing.”

Experts say that product safety in the U.S. has never been better but many critics disagree.

“Hello, you got your cookie dough, your peanut butter, your cat food, your sugary breakfast cereal, your chocolate, your pistachios,” said Dawn O’Doom, a spokeswoman for Mothers Irate About Most Everything (MIME).

“At this point, going into the big box store for a few items is like driving drunk at the Indy 500.”

O’Doom noted that her favorite nail polish had recently been recalled and that scary scenarios abound:

“So you’re on your laptop eating a hamburger, drinking diet soda. You could be oh-for-three, my friend.

“Chances are good the laptop will catch fire while the ground beef is making you sick and as for the diet soda, well, the less said about coliform bacteria, the better.”

Members of Congress are concerned about recalls of baby strollers and toxic Santa costumes. But the latest call to action came after a recent multi-state recall of 1.24 million pounds of salami. Really.

“I myself enjoy salami,” said Congressman Warranty. “Maybe not so much now.”

Pharmaceutical industry insiders are reportedly developing a pill that will offer consumers one-stop shopping for the wide range of medical side effects discussed on prime-time television for many popular prescription drugs.

“We think people should get familiar with some of the ailments they hear so much about on TV,” said Dr. Milton Cookay, Senior Diagnostician at the Malpractice Institute of Technology (MIT) in Seventy-Nine Palms, Arizona adding, "One pill lets you experience practically everything!".

Dr. Cookay points out that millions of Americans are exposed night after night to an astounding range of side effects for treatment of thin eyelashes, depression, random pain, gray hair, sleep deprivation and other assorted malaises.

Some of those frequently discussed conditions include:
Dry eye, dry mouth, dry skin, dry scalp, hair and eyelash fallout, halitosis, sore feet, insomnia, gout, fatigue, chills, back pain, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, hives, sudden ugly mood swings, drowsiness, constipation, blurred vision, swelling of face and lips, agitation, hallucinations, flatulence, runny nose, sore gums, restless leg syndrome, jaundice, sinus pain, increased hunger and/or thirst, rapid weight gain.

“We’re not done,” said Dr. Cookay.

“There’s dehydration, boils, shin splints, impetigo, dandruff, heartburn, incontinence, memory loss, athlete’s foot, skin rash, bursitis, swollen ankles, age spots, frostbite, wheezing, tennis elbow, bunions, sore throat, ingrown toenails, the heartbreak of psoriasis, lethargy, waxy ears, patchy loss of skin color, hypothermia, male pattern baldness, stunted growth, hay fever, and sterility.

“Did I mention skin rash?”

With the opening of the Vancouver Winter Olympics just weeks away, some elite American athletes are concerned about spending two weeks in unfamiliar western Canada.

“Dude, I know it’s a pretty short plane ride but I don’t speak Canadian,” said Brady Falldown, one of the leading U.S. Half Pipe snowboarders. “I had no idea it was a like, you know, a foreign country.

“When I was a young dude I remember watching the Lillehammer Olympics and it was like in Denmark or France, I think. Which was cool. But what about the Canadian money?”

Confusion is not uncommon in the Winter Games. Surveys shows that most American sports fans, for example, believe the Nordic combine is a Swedish beauty contest rather than an Olympic event.

“Ice hockey, now that’s a sport,’ said Conan O’Connemara, owner of Cheese Pucks, the largest sports bar in Philadelphia.

“The rest of that Olympic stuff, your curling, your ice dancing, your biathlon. Please. We got 213 flat screen TVs in our joint.

“If our customers can’t see some Russians getting beaten up on the ice or a guy from Norway getting killed on the ski jump, well, we’re switching back to NBA basketball.”

Half-Piper Falldown remains concerned about Vancouver logistics:

“Some dude told me they’ve got a place in Canada – Montreal, I think - where they want everybody to speak French and have like an attitude about it. Whoa. Why are we doing the Olympic thing up there, man?

The billion-dollar box-office response to the blockbuster sci-fi adventure movie “Avatar” has film industry moguls talking about a change at the Academy Awards.

In the future, it appears the annual awards will be given in two categories: films with blue people in them and films with just regular people in them.

“Some people, mostly older people, are always going to want to look at Brad Pitt and Halle Berry and that’s fine,” said 17-year-old film blogger Todd Mezzanine.

Mezzanine predicts that Hollywood, Bollywood, the independent film community, HBO and even Woody Allen will soon climb aboard the blue bandwagon.

“You may think that human beings are as interesting as blue-skinned sapient humanoids from the moon Pandora near the planet Polyphemus but you would be, like, wrong,” he said.

Critics believe that Disney and animated films are in the best position to exploit the new blue standards, though it seems unlikely a new “Simpsons” movie will be produced, since the Simpsons are yellow.

“We don’t want to ignore the old fashioned movies without blue people,” said one Hollywood source. “Some of them are good. But, really, once you’ve seen ‘Avatar’ and the Na’vi people, who needs Julia Roberts?”

“Ze blue people, zey are fantastique,” said distinguished French film critic Pierre LeDucats. “Ze real human beings, zey are so boring, no? One day all ze films will be made with ze blue people.”

After over two centuries of formal attire consisting of post-colonial dandy chic and cheap pinstripes, the Senate yesterday instated a required dress code policy of “Casual Fridays” for all present senators.

“With health care, two wars, overseeing relief efforts in Haiti, a global fight against terror, and quietly expanding warrantless wiretapping, stressing us out to the hilt, we now see it as an imperative to finally say ‘yes’ to government sanctioned casual wear in the Capitol Dome,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “We think we’ll get more done if we’re basking in the many advantages of clothing comforts. At the very least, it will surely make C-SPAN coverage easier on the eyes.”

And in a recent Gallup poll, all eight American viewers of C-SPAN decidedly gave a “thumbs up” response to the recent implementation of Senate Casual Fridays.
Viewers particularly applauded C-SPAN's coverage of the latest convening of the armed services sub-committee, which showed the noticeably ebullient politicians decked-out in their varicolored Hawaiian wear, sombrero-esque beer helmets, and Don Johnson-style pastel.

However, in dissenting opinion, many in the press have taken to bashing the one-day-a-week suspension of uniformity. In a recent post for Talking Points Memo, veteran curmudgeon, muckraker Seymour Philips had this to say:
“Looks more like Casual FRUMP-days than anything I’ve ever seen before. The last thing I’ve ever wanted to get from my elected officials are views of mismatched week-old socks peaking through vintage huarache sandals.”

The decision to sell smaller, easier-to-swallow multivitamin tablets to America’s aging Baby Boomers has advertisers and consumer marketers thinking big – and small.

“Centrum Silver” is talking up its smaller tablet for the 50+ crowd and the message is being heard on Madison Ave, and elsewhere.

“These geezers need everything re-sized,” says Trisha von Ricecakes, a best-selling Manhattan trend spotter. “Smaller cars, bigger pants, smaller portions at dinner, bigger print to read the Wall Street Journal. The list goes on.

“Take Baby Boomer men. They want big pickup trucks, bigger flat screens and smaller cell phones. The phones get any smaller and these old guys are going to start swallowing them.”

Looking at the success of the “Silver” vitamin model, consumer experts note that over the years no generation has been pandered to more than the Baby Boomers.

“Remember ‘The New Coke?” asked Ricecakes. “The Boomers went nuts and it was like a revolution. Ever watch ’60 Minutes’? Every ad is for Boomers getting older. Hair loss, love life, insurance, take a cruise, what to do about Grandpa.”

“Most of these old people – some of them are nearly 60! – didn’t even know they couldn’t swallow the bigger vitamin pills,” said Todd Snarky, who heads up the Whiny Association of Gen-Xers (WAG).

Snarky, 31, says its time for society to stop sucking up to Baby Boomers, who just get on his nerves.

As the annual tax season nears, officials at the Internal Revenue Service are considering sending corporate gift cards to million of Americans as a form of tax refund.

“We’ve got like millions of checks to cut,” said Wilhelmina “Willie” Sutton, a financial adviser who consults with the IRS. “People get impatient waiting for that check.

“You got your check cashing problems and your snail mails and your banking bureaucracy. How about we just send people a card for Staples or WalMart or one of the other Big Box stores?”

Millions of Americans who get refunds have the money automatically deposited in their bank accounts.

“What’s the fun in that?” asks Gordon Grandguy, Senior Vice President for Moving Money Around at Big Purple Barney, a financial services company.

“You send them a nice gift card for Jiffy Lube or Bed Bath and Beyond or Outback Steak House and they plug the money right back into the economy. Maybe use it for the latest video game for the kid. It’s a win-win, babe.”

Government accountants are said to be in negotiations with hundreds of consumer-product companies to make the gift card program a reality.

Program names being considered include “Refund Rollover,” “Tax Time Treats” and “W-9 – It’s All Mine.”

“Hey, the Christmas season wasn’t all that great for a lot of these department stores and home-supply outlets,” said Grandguy. “Why wouldn’t they play ball?”

Casino hostesses, pancake house waitresses, nightclub managers, party planners, Hooters alumni and lingerie models of all descriptions have banded together to protest being “stereotyped” in the ongoing Tiger Woods imbroglio.

“There’s nothing funny about working in a pancake house and trying to meet a nice guy,” said Amber Smithwicks, a resort greeter from South Florida who is organizing a protest at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament.

“A nice looking young man comes into your place, well, you’re supposed to be hospitable, aren’t you?”

Smithwicks and her roommate, Bambi St. Pauli, complain that the news media has caused them emotional distress by portraying young women in the hospitality industry as too interested in meeting and greeting celebrities.

“It’s not like we throw ourselves at every rich guy that steps out of a limo,” said St.Pauli, a former assistant manager at Knickers Hot Lunch and part-time actress.

“It’s true we get the chance to meet any number of professional athletes, distinguished elected officials and Internet millionaires. I myself have socialized with a number of lottery winners from Nebraska and Delaware. Hey, it comes with the territory.”

Social commentators have noted a current tendency for wealthy male celebrities to spend time with young woman named Krystal, Dawn, Ginger, Nikki, Cheyenne, Asia, Jasmine, Destiny, Cinnamon, Lexi, Jaymee, Summer, Brandy, Diamond, Mercedes, Candace, Jade, Kendra and Peaches.

“That is like a total coincidence,” said Amber Smithwicks. “ I don’t work with any girls named Peaches.

A new virus has recently surfaced that is causing local medical practitioners great concern. A source close to a woman who lives two doors down from the cousin of a cook who is semi-friends with the daughter of a local Treetops doctor has hinted at a serious new threat facing birds everywhere.

The bizarre nature of this new virus, know locally as Hiptodiptocaucus, is alarming to say the least. While there are absolutely no outward signs of disease, the virus has a virtually endless number of symptoms.

The TreetopsTattler.com has uncovered a list of these symptoms that run the gamut of known and unknown complaints. We have supplied a partial list here:

• Hiptodiptocaucus may cause Canadian citizenship
• It is known to incite hiccups and hysteria in earthworms
• It inhibits the ability to sign checks
• It is known to accelerate inebriation in rabbits
• It brings on Woodstock bad acid flashbacks
• It has already caused serious Visa credit card "maxing"
• It forces infected victims to text in Russian.
• It turns Republicans into sanctimonious… wait, that may not be confined to this contagion.

If you have any of these symptoms or know anyone how does, contact your doctor at once. And above all, keep a straight face.

The most insidious aspect of Hiptodiptocaucus is that it is suspected of being transmitted by facebooking.

The TreetopsTattler.com will do its best to keep you informed once we get enough black coffee in the drunken rabbits.

Well folks, you heard it here first... another TreetopsTattler.com scoop.

Numerous unreliable sources have leaked big news on the Oprah front. It seems that the doyenne of daytime TV's move from Chicago and network TV to L.A. and her own health conscious, self help cable channel has a multi-dimensional spiritual intent.

The concept of Oprah's forthcoming cable presence came about as a joint venture with one of the most famous health gurus of our time, Deepak Chopra.

With their extraordinary business acumen already mingling, it came as no surprise to this reporter when Oprah and her ethereal collaborator announced their intention to enter into a spiritual union.

Oprah has assured her longtime fiancee, Steadman, that he has no need to worry since the up and coming union is strictly metaphysical.

The entire ceremony will take place on the Astral Plane allowing only enlightened beings to attend.

The TreetopsTattler.com has been able to confirm that Weird Al Yankovic will conduct the ceremony and also preform a parody of himself as the official entertainment.

While the location of the reception is highly classified, we're sure that the paparazzi press will descend en masse from all points of the globe.

Celebrity guests will be arriving via Astral Airways from as far away as Tau Ceti, where Elvis himself holds court.

Oprah will take on her spiritual partner's name and will be known in the future as Mrs. Oprah Chopra.

Pro football officials are considering dumping the practice of identifying Super Bowls by Roman numeral.

This year’s game, to be played in Tampa, will be the 44th Super Bowl (XLIV) and National Football League officials are concerned their fan base is getting confused.

“Let’s be honest,” said longtime NFL consultant Bronco Bobrowski. “We have millions of frat-boy fans who can barely add up their own fantasy league scores.

“It was fine when it was just III or V or XX. Now that we’re into the 40s it seems like a little too much for our crowd. We might as well announce the darn game in Latin.”

Using Roman numerals to identify the championship game came in the 1960s after an NFL team owner came up with the “Super Bowl” moniker. He had been watching his grandchildren play with a trendy toy called a “Super Ball.”

“Pretty scientific, huh?” said Bobrowski. “Good thing the kids weren’t playing with a Hula Hoop.”

Super Bowl I was played on Jan., XV, MCMLXVII, (Jan, 15, 1967) with the Green Bay Packers beating the Kansas City Chiefs, XXXV-X (35-10).

Since then, X Super Bowls have been played in New Orleans, IX have been played in the Miami area and VII in the Los Angeles area.

“Super Bowl 45 (XLV) will be in Texas in 2011 (MMXI),” said Bobrowski. “Maybe by then we’ll have figured out a way to make the Roman numerals go the way of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.

“I mean, what else does anybody remember about Super Bowl XXXVIII?”

Seeking to keep the forward momentum of the economy and banking on the success of the last stimulus plan, the president has extended the Cash for Clunkers Program to apply to spouses. Yes, that's right, you heard it here first at the Treetops-Tattler.com.

According to the president's spokesperson, "We needed to find a vast, untapped, festering resource, and it was right under our noses! The potential is unlimited in a very limited way!"

Imagine the spin off for collateral businesses. Lawyers overseeing divorces, restaurants packed with wooers, clothing retailers stripped bare as people seek to impress with re-dress, mouthwash and mint sales skyrocketing, home sales up everywhere. "Divorce used to be so dull and generally unrewarding. But now, can you say amicable?"

One noticeable casualty… business at cheap motels will be down as the necessity for affairs will be gone.

The government expects to pay $40,000 per decoupling. Applicants have to have been married at least 5 years. The new spouse must be more "fool-efficient" than the last one. Anybody with buyer's remorse prior to that has a lemon, not a clunker.

*Fine print: Prenups are null and void under this new arrangement. With apologies to any former media-maligned golf greats.

North Pole sources are spreading word of a major change in Santa Claus’ reindeer lineup once the 2009 global Yuletide season is complete.

“They had a good year but the team is old and slow and, well, its time for some fresh reindeer meat in the workshop,” said Kris Kindle, a noted North Pole blogger.

Santa and Mrs. Santa had no comment, but it’s known that Donner and Blitzen have changed agents since Thanksgiving and Vixen is said to be looking for a reality TV show opportunity.

“Think ‘Reindeer Wives of the Frozen North,’” said Kindle. “And I hear Dasher may go into coaching.”

“Comet has been in negotiations with a beer company for an endorsement deal and Prancer has always dreamed of opening a Christmas store in his old home town in Norway, which is pretty much frozen Alpine tundra. “

Rudolph, easily the best known of the reindeer crew, is rumored to be angry about the shakeup.

“The red-nosed guy is hot, no question,” Kindle said. “I mean, he’s been the go-to reindeer since 1939 or so and feels like he hasn’t lost a step.”

Word is Rudolph has been reluctant to accommodate new technology and a changing marketplace.

“Dancer and Cupid went to senior management a while ago when Rudolph refused to use a GPS system on Christmas Eve,” said Kindle. “He’s old school, no question.”

“He’s a pain,” said Morey, Senior Elf Adjutant at the North Pole. “Rudolph had a hip replacement a few years ago and didn’t tell us.”

“We’ve had teams of reindeer in the minor league training camps in the Yukon since the 1960s. Mark my words, next year you’re gonna see a whole new lineup ”

Pacific whales turned the tables recently on their increasingly frequent nemesis, the US Navy. A pod of highly motivated cetaceans "hacked" into the Navy sonar listening stations. Sonar is mainly used to detect vessels, torpedoes and mines. "At first, when they started playing with their new technology (ahem, new to them, we've been using it for millions of years), we thought it was funny. It distorted our voices to sound like, oh, I suppose the equivalent to you would be, a Cajun accent on helium. Then, as they got more "sophisticated", it became head bangingly painful! "The Navy sonar can reach levels of 235 dB's, which is enough to, in scientific terms, tear your ear drum a new one! "We've had entire pods LEAVE the water to get away from it! You guys call it beaching, we call it desperation."

An unlikely alliance of cetaceans, sperm whales, dolphins and orcas, banded together to deal with the ever increasing problem of noise pollution in the ocean. "The music of the ocean is crap now", chimed in a particularly animated dolphin. "You think rain on a tin roof sounds great, you should hear a storm on the ocean surface! We used to love going out to the ocean geysers and listening to them. The sound of the earth's tectonic plates moving against each other is haunting! But now?! It's tankers, drilling and sonar, oh my!" With dolphins and orcas maintaining perimeter security, the whales used a far more sophisticated ultra sonic frequency to, as they said, "shake it up a bit."

Naval submarines were beaching themselves around the entire pacific. The crew's i-pods (a term that really rankles a cetacean) were ear splitting. "We just wanted to give them a taste of their own medicine. The world is getting really crowded and there was bound to be blow back", especially from some very motivated blow holes!

They're setting their sites on the Japanese whaling industry next. "We want to capture some of their vessels, just for research porpoises, of course!"

A coalition of young urban professionals has called for government assistance with the indelible problem of tattoo removal.

“The time has come,” said Maisie Deltoid. “Millions of young Americans got tattoos on their arms, their ankles, their necks, their shoulders and lots of other places. It was all, like, a big mistake.”

Deltoid said she acquired a tattoo that reads “Darrell” while on spring break in Key West several years ago.

“He was just some random guy,” Deltoid said. “He took off on Labor Day. Now my Dad says he won’t pay for my wedding dress as long as he can read about Darrell on the back of my neck.”

Hordes of young Americans such as Maisie are permanently inked with Chinese symbols, barbed wire, hearts, butterflies, Pentagrams, dragons, shamrocks, the Grim Reaper, dollar signs, spiders, lightning bolts, Harley Davidson, names of old girlfriends, angels, Tweety birds, rattlesnakes, mermaids, aliens, pirates, American flags, Celtic crosses, signs of the Zodiac, names of old boyfriends, soccer heroes, logos of their favorite colleges, pro football teams and favorite divisions of the armed services.

“Mistakes were made,” said Omar Rorschach, a graphic designer who sports a tattoo of a killer whale on his Adam’s apple.

“We think maybe the government can give us some of the bailout money the banks don’t want to pay for getting rid of these things. I mean, the people in Human Resources are breathing down my neck.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a spokesperson for the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). “Right after we take all the Wall Street bonuses back.”

Tai Shan, the lovable, adorable, obese, tree-climbing giant panda housed at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. may seek political asylum in the United States after learning he’s being sent back to China.

“The little guy is pretty upset,” said a spokesman for the Visiting Asian Panda Association (VAPA).

“He’s gotten used to the big crowds of suburban Moms and their kids, and the American-style bamboo and the veggie popsicles they make for him at the Zoo.”

Tai Shan, 5, was apparently unaware of the deal between the two nations that called for to him be returned to China to take part in the panda-breeding program. Many Panda fans in the DC Beltway area are also upset with the decision.

“We are, like, totally outraged,” said Kendra Woodley Park, 11, who estimates she has taken 2700 photos of the panda on her cell phone. “Tai Shan is, like, totally cute and sending him back to China is, like, totally bogus.”

The panda is reportedly upset that he has not been consulted on breeding plans in China and that he will not be involved in the redesign of his Website.

“Tai wants to raise a family here in the States and several new marketing opportunities have presented themselves as he’s gotten older,” said the man from VAPA.

“We were looking at panda sunglasses – you know, the eyes – and a chain of drive-thru veggie takeouts called Tai Kwan Go.”

There are a number of flat-earth type scientists (also known as corporate smoke stacks) that maintain that we need more CO2 output, not less. The more carbon dioxide the greener the planet. Trees, apparently love CO2 ! Too much, apparently. Trees girth and height appear to be doubling and in some cases trebling in size. "I tremble at the trebling" exclaimed a trembling young man whose horizons appeared pretty limited already. The impact could be devastating to Man's environment. City sidewalks everywhere being uplifted by bulging roots. Rural septic systems clogged by increasingly thirsty trees. Wealthy landowners views OBSCURED !

Of, course bigger trees mean a larger appetite for, you guessed it, CO2.
Scientists from the oil and gas companies say that at this rate we may have trouble keeping up with demand for their increased consumption. This should lead to a stripping of pollution controls.

Tree huggers, unable to get a grip on the situation, are having to switch to shrubbery and are wilting at the term "bush hugger".

Who would have thought that clear cutting and burning the rain forest would make it grow faster?

We used to be able to control their growth with the growing newspaper industry but with newspapers in decline, what will keep these gas guzzling behemoths in check? Junk mail ? We'll need a lot more ! Loggers are lining up to save the planet.

Next time you're in a grocery line, ask for paper ! Double bag it !!!

Party planners and public relations experts around Washington are encouraging the White House to adopt a festival-seating approach to formal state dinners in the future.

A recent state dinner at the Obama White House was marred by the presence of two gate-crashers, raising questions about access and security, as well as good taste.

“It’s pretty clear that these days any blond in a red dress climbing out of a limo can sashay past the Secret Service,” said Mindy Ramaki, a prominent DC event planner.

“Our idea is to open the process up to the people, since the metal detectors seem to be pretty much ceremonial at this point.”

Ramaki, the Chief Hors d’oeuvres Officer (CH’O) for BYO Caterers, says that seating guests on a first-come, first-serve basis at state dinners would open up the process to people who really, really want to go to a state dinner.

“I read the official guest list,” she said. “A bunch of boring guys from Congress and paper-shufflers from the State Department and some Hollywood types.

“The gate-crashers? Hey, they’ve got a winery that’s out of business and about 100 pending lawsuits. The blond fibbed about being a pro football cheerleader. They’re colorful.”

A White House official, requesting anonymity, said it was not likely the Administration would adopt a rock-’n-roll approach to subsequent state dinners.

“OK, the last state dinner was in a tent but that was an exception,” he said. “It’s not a Kinks concert. We really don’t want people sitting on the lawn and holding up lighters while the President is giving a toast.”

According to numerous sources within the psychiatric community, it is believed that The Fed is obsessed with a bizarre form of GAMING MENTALITY. Specifically with the combining of Monopoly and Solitaire. 

To this pursuit, The Fed has bought up the world's existing supply of Monopoly games not to mention orchestrating a hostile takeover of the game's makers, Parker Brothers. The Fed then used the NSA, CIA, FBI and Homeland Security to track down and seize all privately owned Monopoly games. 

With this accomplished, The Fed found itself in the enviable position of controlling 649 gazillion Monopoly bucks and every little plastic hotel ever made. That's more liquidity then ever thought possible. Problem solved. Everything's cool. Give Ben Bernanke a second term.

Except for one teeny weeny little problem. As it turns out, the rest of the world HATES Monopoly. 

This unanticipated economic twist has caused a bit of concern at the top levels of government since it now appears that The Fed has to play Monopoly all by itself which is, of course, the very definition of Solitaire.

In yet another effort to tell American citizens whom to love, leading Republican lawmakers have recently authored a new bill proposing the nationalization of all existing and future eHarmony accounts. This new push to put the federal “kosher stamp” on American love comes on the heels of other proposals to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage and to protect the sanctity of matrimony.            

eHarmony, the online dating service for heterosexuals, was founded in Pasadena, California in 2000. Since it’s conception, leading conservatives have been pushing for more regulation and moral rectification.           

“One’s romantic life is like a box of chocolates... if you’re really, really, really allergic to chocolate,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “It’s just not American for the government to stand by and let certain frumps go on first dates with certain night traders. The online dating network has been more like ‘eHARM” since it’s introduction into the tubes of the World Wide Web. It’s like Craigslist, but with TV commercials.”           

In a surprising twist, Rudy Giuliani jumped at the opportunity to stand up for the proposed legislation, as well. “In a post-9/11 world, we can’t afford not to have eHarmony nationalized,” said Giuliani to The Treetops Tattler. “With every mismanaged couple, Al Qaeda wins.”

Producers for TV’s Dancing With the Stars and other shows with celebrity performers are running out of B-, C- and D-List performers, according to show business sources.

“Donny Osmond just won Dancing with the Stars, said Tinsel Town booking agent Shecky Wilshire. “Donny had a hit TV show with his sister Marie back in 1976. You do the math.”

For several years, Dancing has been peopled with long-in-the-capped-teeth, former sitcom stars, fading beauty queens, gimpy pro football players, drunken Olympic medalists from the ‘70s and ‘80s and members of the Baldwin family.

Now, observers fear the pool of talent – or no talent – is draining.

“We’re talking to a guy who played a limo driver in three episodes of The Sopranos and an actress who had a recurring role on Law & Order - Criminal Intent a few years back,” said Wilshire.

“We’re at rock bottom and it doesn’t look good on us. Anyone got Brigitte Nielsen’s phone number?”

These days, bookers are willing to look anywhere, including the world of politics.

“Tom Delay was pretty good on Dancing until he broke a heel,” said one Left Coast booker. “But we just got turned down by an ex-Lieutenant Governor of Oregon and Nancy Pelosi’s personal trainer. And we can’t find Bill Clinton’s brother, Roger.”

The booker said they were following up with a former quarterback for the Winnipeg Jets in the Canadian Football League, members of the cast of 21 Jump Street and the guy who played Joey on Friends.”

“Oh, for the days of Tonya Harding, Todd Bridges, Leif Garrett and the dark-haired chick from Three’s Company”, she said. “Those were the Golden Age of has-beens.”

The news that Oprah will end her TV Show in 2011 came as a shock to many but we at The Treetops-Tattler saw it coming.

After all, it was clearly predicted by the Mayan Calendar thousands of years ago. The Mayans realized that the impact of Oprah's announcement on civilization would be immense. The end of the world, also predicted by the Mayans, was clearly considered by them to be of far less significance, added almost as an afterthought.

However, The Tattler's research department has uncovered an astounding bit of information...

The Mayans, who are still considered the greatest celestial timekeepers the world has ever known, weren't downplaying the end of the world, they were just totally bummed out when they realized that there would apparently be no Oprah Show beyond 2011. Once this depressing concept sunk in, they saw no point to keeping their calendar going. They finally gave up altogether upon reaching December 23, 2012, not from lack of prognostication, but from heartbreak.

A world without Oprah?

Do not despair! Things are not as dire as the seem!

A source, close to the sister-in-law of a woman who once saw Oprah in person in a New York deli, reveals that Oprah will soon be starting her own planet. You heard right. Her own PLANET.

Planet Harpo will be right next door to Earth, complete with all the good things from the old planet PLUS, you guessed it, Oprah!

We, at The Tattler, are beside ourselves with joy and anticipation!

Stay tuned to Treetops-Tattler.com for more Oprah updates. We plan to stay on this story until the end of time.

A worker bee, who wishes to remain anonybuzz, has come forward to shed light on what has so far remained a mystery, colony collapse disorder (CCD). CCD is characterized as a complete depopulation of a bee hive with the disappearance of all the adult bees. The chief suspects include pesticides (imidicloprid), GMO's, cell phone tower microwave radiation, and forced migration to name a few. "Look, it's all of the above" exclaimed a clearly agitated informant who, under magnification and the influence of "influences", looked curiously like John Belushi. "They're putting fricken' nicotine in the pesticides they're using! It's a real buzz killer!"

As for the cell tower radiation, "I could find my way home with one wing tied behind my back, no problem. It's just that we can actually hear the conversations and they're so inane. Can you say drone? It's enough to make you want to sting your own tympanic membranes. Some of us are just trying to find a quiet place to chill."

"Have you ever tried to pollinate a genetically modified flower? NO? I didn't think so. Think having a passionate conversation about sports (or any subject) with Henry Kissinger. - Insanity with a german accent! Those scientists are messing with some really crazy sh*t. Our moral codes dictate a higher order of nature and we're just tired of propagating a lie."

A dirty little bee industry secret is the enslavement and forced migration of thousands of colonies around the US. "We never get paid, rarely get a day off, and if we do, we're on the road again. It can be a new orchard every week or so. We miss the seasons."

"Colony collapse disorder? I suppose, to the tiny self-centered mind of a human, sure. But, we like to consider it a 'worker bee revolt' against unsustainable conditions and total lack of reimbursement."

In what authorities are calling the first virtual bank robbery in American history, a bandit made off with nearly $40 million in virtual currency late yesterday afternoon.

The daring daylight heist occurred at a Newark, NJ bank when a man walked up to a teller window and held up his iPhone. On it was a photo of a 9mm automatic pistol.

The bank robber then said, "Give me all your money... and don’t try anything cute or I’ll show you a picture of the bullets!"

Brave but not foolish, the teller immediately raced to the bank’s main vault, used her own cell phone to photograph all the money stored there and zapped the multi-million-dollar snapshots to the robber, who was anxiously waiting at her teller window.

With virtual cash in hand, the robber raced into the street to escape in his virtual Maserati but quickly realized his getaway car was completely out of virtual gas.

Undaunted, he google-mapped the nearest subway entrance and disappeared.

With virtually no clues to go on, authorities were left scratching their collective heads.

Facing pungent competition from your Goudas, your Colbys, your Swiss, the U.S. cottage cheese industry is reportedly considering a name change.

“This is not your grandmother’s cottage cheese, or whatever we end up calling it,” said Jack Monterey, a nationally recognized cheese analyst. “We’ve got to get it off the diet plates and in there with your deli cheeses, your stinky cheeses, your Euro cheeses.”

Cheese historians tell us that the product is called cottage cheese because before the Civil War people made it in cottages, after the butter was churned.

“Crikey, how is some kid who grew up on microwaved Pop Tarts and kashi going to relate to that?” Monterey asked.

Monterey said that among the early suggestions were Condo Cheese, Co-Op Cheese and Townhouse Cheese, reflecting the historic housing theme while updating it.

“Not the way to cut the cheese,” said renowned cheese maker Stilton de Bleau. “They need to work on the marketing, to go big. Let’s face it, this stuff is little on the bland side.”

Not everyone is on board with the campaign.

“First of all: ick,” said cable TV celebrity chef Iris Fromages. “There isn’t enough sea salt or hot peppers or blueberries on the planet to make those curds interesting. Maybe they should call it Kurdish cheese. I wouldn’t eat it on death row.”

“They should leave well enough alone,” said Tommy Tapioca, a spokesman for Minimally Invasive Cheeses (MIC), a cheese activist group.

“A nice scoop of cottage cheese, a room-temperature canned peach and a lettuce leaf going brown - now that’s good eatin.’”

The U.S. airline industry today announced that it would immediately begin charging passengers for losing their luggage.

Industry spokesman Howard “Tough” Nuggies. said that effective immediately passengers would be charged $15 for the first bag lost by the airline. Each subsequent lost bag would cost the passenger $10.

Nuggies said that, with new technology that has been in development for years, the airlines will now be able to lose all baggage.

“We’re dedicated to 100 percent efficiency,” he said. “And we know we can do it.”

“As always,” added Nuggies, “we are doing this to serve our customers better. Think of the time people will save. No more waiting for hours at baggage claim! No more hoping against hope to see their pathetic little suitcase again. No more broken hearts.”

Nuggies said the program will be called “Check ’em and Forget ’em.”

Passengers will check their bags, pay the checked-bag fee and the lost-bag fee at the same time and then never worry about their bags again. Or, for that matter, ever see their bags again.

“What could be more convenient for everyone?” asked Nuggies. “Nothing! That’s what. And believe me, as soon as we figure out how to deliver ‘nothing’ — and charge for it — that’s exactly what you’ll get. Nothing!”

In a related development, airlines are also developing plans for charging passengers for losing their lunch.

“No more free barf bags,” said Nuggies. “You want to throw up, you can throw up on your own ... your own lap, that is.”

Today they call it the White House Rose Garden, but a recent discovery indicates perhaps it should have been called the Field of Dreams.

After a DEA drug-sniffing cocker spaniel began digging furiously during a presidential presentation, agents followed the pooch into a storage area in the basement, where they found clear evidence that the White House garden was once used to grow hemp.

Seeds found in an old paper bag in the back of a drawer of the desk used by Thomas Jefferson while he was president, will be used to return the Rose Garden to its original, natural state.

It is a well known fact that both Thomas Jefferson and George Washington grew large quantities of hemp on their estates. When they served their terms in the White House, hemp was a legal cash crop.

Several historic sources, who are dead but still wish to remain anonymous, ardently claim that not all the hemp grown at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, was used to make rope. Much of it was burned so White House staffers could stand in the smoke. Just for laughs. Or, as Jefferson said, “We hold these ... hee-hee-hee ... we hold these ... tee-hee! We hold these roaches to be ... ouch! Burned my fingers.”

A number of amendments to the constitution were actually written while standing around White House hemp bonfires. In fact, the original draft of the Bill of Rights had 14 amendments, but four were eliminated when everyone straightened out and realized they were gibberish.

“Congress shall make no law affected zibbledorp,” was the original text of the Eleventh Amendment.

The Fourteenth Amendment said, “Wow! Did thee ever really look at thy hand?”

Ben Franklin, always a head of his time, is given credit for inventing the bong using an empty wine barrel and a reed pulled from the Potomac River.

This may explain why Franklin was flying a kite in a thunderstorm. Although, again according to reliable sources, he swore, “I never inhaled.”

Or maybe he said “exhaled.”

In a bizarre turn of events, presidential dog, Bo, has changed the course of history, or at least held it up for a few days.

Late last evening, as President Obama was unwinding in the White House "Red Room" after a long day of perusing Afghanistan field reports and deciding whether it would be better for Rahm Emanuel to threaten John Boehner with a wood or aluminum bat, Bo, the all-too-precious family dog accidentally bit the president’s bill-signing hand. As a result, the process of turning poorly conceived piles of congressional paper into laws will be put on hold until at least Friday.

Sergeant Harvey Bark, duty officer attached to the West Wing Canine Cleanup Corps, better known as WWCCC, speculated that Bo was actually going for the double bacon cheeseburger the president was holding. If the president had scarfed down that burger like a normal American, this would never have happened. Instead, he was waving it around while trying to make some presidential point. Bo missed the point, but not the hand.

Caught off-guard by this unprecedented event, the Department of Homeland Security raised the national Terror Alert Level to the newly created “Scorching Indigo.”

One of the president's most ardent detractors, former Republican presidential candidate/pop-cultist Mitt Romney, was quick to exclaim, “This is a national disgrace! Ronald Reagan would never have allowed his own dog to bite him. I’m not even sure Jimmy Carter would have let that happen, and he was attacked by an amphibious rabbit!"

Neither Bo or his press secretary, Philroy Lynx were available for comment.

Cosmo: Thanks for taking the time to speak with the Treetops-Tattler. This isn't going to be your typical interview considering that we're both cartoon characters.

Marge: Yeah, that's a first for me.

Cosmo: Well, how did all of this come about?

Marge: I have no idea. One moment I was in the kitchen doing the dishes and BAM! Next thing you know, I'm strutting my stuff in front of the whole world!

Cosmo: Sounds like you're being controlled by some mysterious outside force.

Marge: Yeah, I often get that feeling.

Cosmo: Well, now that you are one, how does it feel to be Playboy's first cartoon centerfold?

Marge: It's kind of spooky being frozen in print. I can't move. And this binding hurts like hell.

Cosmo: Do you consider yourself loose and sexy or are you prudish?

Marge: I'm loosest as a pencil drawing. At that point, all it takes to get my clothes off is an eraser. Once I get inked and colored, I'm a lot more conservative.

Cosmo: Is Bluenette your natural hair color and are you Bluenette all over?

Marge: Yes, you naughty bird.

Cosmo: Has Homer started treating you like a sex goddess?

Marge: I wish. After the magazine hit the stands, he started looking at me as if I were a fresh-baked pepperoni pizza. It's quite disturbing.

Cosmo: Why do you think Playboy chose you?

Marge: I don't know. They can't be running out of real babes.

Cosmo: Well, even if you're not going to admit it, we at the Treetops-Tattler think you're a real, first-class, fabulous babe.

Marge: Cosmo, are you hitting on me? This is getting a little weird. I've gotta go.

Cosmo: Sigh.

Irate and shivering, a group of grumpy sportswriters have threatened a boycott of the rest of the 2009 World Series as the baseball season rolled into November.

Members of the sporting press were seen setting fire to their box lunches and pouring coffee into their laptops in chilly New York and Philadelphia as rain leaked down and autumn temperatures plummeted.

“It’s colder than an agent’s heart out here,” said veteran Tattler sports columnist Tim McCatcher. “They had me in the outdoor press box and I had to wear these wooly mittens the wife gave me for ice fishing. Try typing with mittens.”

Baseball Hall of Famer Luke Sapling agreed with the writers. “Back in my day the World Series was wrapped up by Halloween,” he said. “Next year we’ll have Frosty the Snowman throwing out the darn first ball.”

“Just look at me,” Sapling went on, pointing to the frozen tobacco juice on his jacket. “You might as well have spring training in Forty Mile, Saskatchewan.”

The sportswriters, many wearing Gore-Tex parkas and ski masks, held a rump press conference near the ice machine in the press box, claiming they were close to the breaking point.

“I didn’t sign up for Green Bay and the frozen tundra,” said longtime baseball scribe Archie “Decimal Point” Defendorf. “I’m going to have to start traveling with my own meteorologist. This is baseball. There’s no winter mix in baseball.”

Major league baseball officials predicted game-time temperatures would soar into the upper 40s.

“Looks like we’ll have to double the size of the press box feed,” said one league official. “That usually quiets the writers down.”

News reports that a pair of commercial airline pilots had “missed” their landing at Minneapolis-St. Paul airport by 150 miles has led to a flurry of questions, stories and true confessions from pilots in the greater Treetops area.

One veteran pilot told the Tattler that he missed the airport in Elmira N.Y. because in the old days you could buy a cinnamon bun as big as your head and a 48-oz. “Big Burpy” soda for just $1.99.

“Those were the glory days of American aviation,” he said. “You could get a nice hot pretzel in the shape of the New York State Thruway.”

Another flyboy, who requested anonymity, said he once missed the Miami International Airport and tried to land at the Rental Car Return area, which is actually in Kissimmee.

“The only thing worse than trying to land at that place is trying to return a car there,” he said. “No pilot I know is brave enough to drive one of those car return shuttles. Too dangerous. Captain Sully wouldn’t try it.”

Closer to home, Treetops pilot Flaps McIntercom said he missed old county airport out off Rural Route 927.

“It’s the one where the new GiGundo Maxi-Mart (and Pharmacy) is located,” he said. “That was a swell old airport. The Quonset hut was like a second home to me. Did all my Christmas shopping right there in the gift shop.”

Capt. McIntercom’s longtime co-pilot, Amelia Trueheart, said she once had a near-miss experience while on final approach to the airport in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

“There was confusion because we had been led to believe the airport was domed,” she said. “We kept looking for the dome. We finally had to put her down in Sheboygan.”

Several pilots expressed dismay that the pilots who missed the airport in Minneapolis because they were reportedly on their laptops.

“What the heck were they doing?” Capt. McIntercom wanted to know. “Playing online Suduku? Cruising the Cartoon Network?

“In my day we might have played a hand of euchre or two, sure. I had a problem with one of those Rubik Cubes back in the day. But we were professionals.”

The first national convention of the feminist activist group WHACK ended in disarray after a bitter fight over the meaning of the group’s name.

One faction in that battle argued that WHACK was an acronym for Women Heatedly Against Conservative Know-nothings.

The opposing group maintained that the letters stood for Woman Hating All Craven Kliberals. Felicia Shoofly, spokeswoman for the second group, quickly pointed out that “The ‘K’ in ‘Kliberals’ is silent.”

Shoofly also argued that, in fact, her group was the original creative force behind the “new game sensation, Whack-a-Lib,” in which plastic models of liberal icons pop up through holes in the game board, are seized by the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and beaten into submission by authentic replicas of Rush Limbaugh’s Gucci loafers.

“So the real origin of WHACK is our exciting new game — available in finer stores throughout this great American nation of America,” added Shoofly.

Karen Willowisp, spokeswoman for the other side of the argument, replied, “Well ... well ... I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

Later, she acknowledged that wasn’t really a great response, but said that her group had yet to actually meet and decide on a platform.

“We’ve been in negotiations for three weeks over the shape of the table,” she said. “I suggested a round table, the shape of the sacred female ovaries. But then someone argued that was also the shape of those unmentionable things that men have. Their ... well, you know. So we’re at an impasse.”

Seasoned observers of the acronym scene noted that this week’s squabble was reminiscent of a fight some years ago between two men’s groups both claiming the right to use the name SAME.

One group said the letters stood for Surgeons Alliance for Male Enhancement. The opposing group claimed it was Society Advocating Men’s Education, which espoused a curriculum focused on beer tasting, TV remote control techniques, and pizza ordering. That situation was settled when the two groups agreed to merge under the name Same-old, Same-old.

“We really don’t disagree on anything,” said a spokesman for the two groups. “More is always better, whether it’s pizza or beer or ... you know. Not that I have any problems with that. None. None at all.”

More dangerous than religious fanatics.

More powerful than the atomic bomb. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

A real "mother." These are the conclusions of a presidential commission investigating the greatest threat to the human race: Mother Nature.

In its chilling summation, the report stated, "Mother Nature is a terrorist of the greatest magnitude. She is the deadliest and, for that matter, the oldest terrorist on earth. She is wanted for questioning in the murders of several billion human beings and, according to an insurance industry spokesman, is responsible for an estimated $137.3 trillion in damages, last year alone."

"You got your flood, you got your famine, you got your pestilence," said lead investigator, Gertrude Gator. "And then you got ants at your picnic, rain on your parade and sand in your sandwiches. It all adds up - and you can track it all back to that one big Mother of All Mothers."

Responding to the report, the FBI has placed Mother Nature on their 10 Most Wanted list. She's not just Number One, she's numbers one through seven.

"The hell of it is," exclaimed FBI assistant director Busby Buzzkill, "We don't even have a picture of her to hang on the post office wall. How can a single entity create that much chaos and destruction without ever having her picture taken?"

"It is clear," cited a commission member who wished to remain anonymous fearing unimaginable retribution, "that Mother Nature doesn't want us on this planet. Period. She's trying to get rid of us like a hound dog scratching at fleas. We need to do something fast, before she decides to take a bath."

The FBI's Buzzkill agreed, saying "The world will be a much safer place once we get this lady behind bars."

The latest think tank reports, flashy news bulletins, and yowling punditry all seem to have come to the same conclusion: long after the crash, the American economy is still hurting and in a recent interview, to confirm such expert diagnosis, stated that, "I need a bottle of freakin' ibuprofen, or something."

Analysts continue to emphasize that the continuing slowdown has taken a brutal toll on the economy, which yesterday reiterated in a press conference that, "I really need to go lie down. Somebody please get me a hot water bottle. The initial crash I sustained in 2008 still keeps me awake at night. Even worse, I now have chronic back pain, trouble focusing my eyes on anything green, a nasty taste of copper on the tip of my tongue, and I've suddenly developed an iridescent purple rash on the lower left quadrant of my backside."

Who's to blame?

On the root cause of the financial system's malady, the limping economy had this to say: "Personally, I blame general political torpor, Wall Street cowboys, unscented laundry detergent and fat-cat single hockey moms."

The economy also mentioned that this "affliction" has manifested itself not only as physical agony, but as psychological pain, as well, adding, "I've developed a horrifying fear of orange rectangles."

Scientists warn that a giant spongy- white asteroid, twice the size of a Winnebago, is on a collision course with earth and will enter the atmosphere Saturday at 10:21 PM Eastern time. They believe that much of the alien invader will remain intact on impact although it's "going to get a bit toasted". The impact site has been narrowed down to a wooded area near Hershey, Pennsylvania, the country's largest producer of chocolate.

Help on the way.

In response, President Obama has ordered seventy thousand boxes of graham crackers airlifted to the projected impact area. He said, "In these difficult times, it is refreshing to believe that the outcome of this possible catastrophe may turn into the biggest S'mores party in American history."

Doofus, the Treetops Police Department's drug-sniffing dog was busted this morning for possession of catnip with intent to distribute, a clear violation of Feline Code 1024C. Officers seized 56 kilos of pure, uncut "nip" buried in 14 holes in Doofus's backyard.

Suspicious activity.

Fellow members of the Treetops canine squad became suspicious of Doofus when he started showing up for work in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile complete with a tuxedo-clad Chihuahua chauffeur. Further doubt was cast on Doofus's activities when it was revealed that he had recently paid an extremely large pile of Kibbles 'n Bits for a three-story, 15,000-square-foot dog house.

TPD officials refused further comment on the investigation except to say they are close to arresting the "kingpin" of the illicit catnip ring. Rumor has it their prime suspect is an orange and black striped "fat cat" hiding out in another comic strip.

Socialized Medicine to Claim England's Highest Regent

Queen Elizabeth II, head of state for the United Kingdom, Canada, and the Commonwealth of Realms, is set to be euthanized at St. Bartholemew's Hospital tomorrow at dawn. The decision was approved by a board of officials appointed by the House of Commons to regulate life under the state's socialized health care program. Beloved across the world for her constant bon vivant attitude, the Queen, 83, reigned for over 57 years, before this death sentence.

Neville Wainscotting, Royal High Commissioner of Human Existence and End of Life Disposal, cited the Queen's excessive age as the sole reason for the impending termination. "Her Majesty lived a full life and oversaw a period of prosperity unrivaled in England's history. We regret taking this step, but know its what she would have wanted, because of her deep respect for the actions of Parliament."

English law, under their universal health care system, allows no subject to live "in excess of eighty years, or at an expense of over thirty-thousand pounds sterling, whichever the subject shall arrive at first." The passing of "The Rubicon of Life Act" as it is known, has saved the English taxpayer millions of pounds in unnecessary public health expenses.

In 2005, the Queen was given a special stay of execution by Parliament to allow her to live for a few more years, and arrange her affairs "as necessitated by Her Majesty's high station." Unfortunately, her vitality proved to be vital to her demise.

"We had all hoped nature would have run its course before this time would come," Wainscotting said, "Unfortunately, the old bird hung on for a bit too long, and the state was forced to intervene as it has so many times in the past. Certainly she was the Queen of England, but we no longer live in a time of absolute monarchy thanks in no small part to the actions of Her Majesty while she was alive."

Due to the inherent compromised quality of government-run health care, the Queen's pragmatic execution is to be carried out by noted English veterinarian Arthur Windrop, an Oxford greenhorn from the quaint Dorset countryside.

"The Queen will, of course, receive a painless, efficient death... much like the one I administered to that horse that starred in Black Beauty," said Windrop.

The morning after the deed is done, Union Jacks are to be flown at half-staff across the Commonwealth. A stirring rendition of "God Save the Queen" will be played while mourners fill Westminster Abbey to hear a touching eulogy, to be delivered by Prince Philip, Her Majesty's longtime companion, due for his own termination in late November.

Coronation ceremonies for Prince Charles of Wales, heir to the throne, will take place later next week. His Majesty's time on the throne will not exceed 19 years, as he will then be due for his own euthanization.

The National Society of Nice Guys has sent a "politely exasperated" note to the President of the United States.

"Nice guys finish last," said Neville Twit, spokes-nerd for the National Society of Nice Guys. "And then, along comes Barack Obama. A nice guy who finished first. This is very disorienting for us as a group."

Twit was asked whether he was upset because until now he had been able to escape responsibility for his personal failures because he was supposed to finish last. But now Obama had blown his cover.

"That's not very nice of you to ask," replied Twit. "But I'm too nice to disagree with you. I'm too nice to disagree with anyone. That's how I got this job."

Bradley Barnwood, the society's treasurer told the Treetops Tattler, "We're not an organization to be trifled with. We're a huge group. We have 23 million members nationwide, including all twelve of the nice guys in New York City. We feel the president should know how deeply we believe in this issue. Gee Whiz! Some of us are so confused we're considering becoming as rude as, (pardon our french) the French.

Popular outdoor activities in Treetops, such as cricket and exotic wine tasting, were disrupted yesterday as the latest effects of climate change caused residents to, "taste the sunset," according to several citizens' reports.

Residents were particularly astonished to find that the awful, charcoal-fruit aftertaste of the solar system's plasmatic orb could take up to four days to rinse out of their mouths.

"It was absolutely dreadful," remarked local resident Irving Seagull. "One minute, I was munching on croutons in the park, the next minute, it feels like I'm licking a lollipop made out of smoldering asphalt."

Global Warming skeptics claim that the earth's air has always had a history of tasting like, "vaguely minty jockstrap," and that the atmosphere has always tasted "just like a decomposing tangerine, as the earth changes naturally."

"We hold that the situation has been considerably exaggerated by irresponsible environmental alarmists," says Harvey Rumpleton, the spokesperson for the Defense of the Everyman's Need for Individuality, Apathy, and Lethargy (D.E.N.I.A.L.). He continued to describe the positive side of such a global change. "After all, who doesn't like to have the sun mesquite their barbecue for free? Just hold your grill and raw venison out to the sky while the sun's going down over your backyard, and you'll be set."

Nonetheless, Senate and House Republicrats have recently proposed legislation to counter these latest effects of climate change. In today's press release, lumbering Senate goon Batson D. Belfry had this to say: "Winter-fresh mouth wash subsidies. It really is the best we could come up with."

And due to this latest global warming calamity, former would-be president Al Gore has reportedly started work on a sequel to his previous climate change documentary saga. The working title for the upcoming sequel is An Inconvenient Truth Serum.

Acting swiftly on the basis of "overwhelming evidence," the federal government has declared a "War on Air."

The declaration of war came immediately after an announcement by the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) that Oxygen has been classified as a "violently addictive" substance and that continued use over a long time is inevitably fatal.

"We have studies to prove it," said General Herbert "Huffy" Puff. " 'You breathe, you die.' That's our motto."

Gen. Puff went on to say, "It's not even our own American-made air. We've got unregulated air flooding across our unprotected borders to the north and the south. Some of it's hot. Some of it's cold. None of it is really ours."

According to the general, no pure Oxygen ever enters the country. Instead, it is cut with 79 percent Nitrogen and other inert gases.

"That quintuples their profits," said "Huffy" Puff. "It's a vicious black market and it must be stopped.

"As a first step, we're asking all patriotic citizens to hold their breath. Just say 'No' to Oxygen. Well, don't actually say anything. That uses Oxygen."

]]> Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.macnelly.com/13 Chris Cassatt, Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
The Treetops-Tattler.com

Flat tax? Payroll tax? Sales tax? Property tax? Taxi tax?

Why are there so many taxes? It is the Death of 10,000 Insults. Only a sadist plucks a chicken slowly - and we say that on behalf of our many feathered brethren.

Our great nation's hit-or-miss tax code has been levied with all the precision of a darts tournament on Free Beer Night.

Our scatter-shot taxes have completely missed our nation's single greatest resource.

It's time to forget about nitpicking over all the little annoying taxes and get right down to the root of it all. It's like eating lunch at Roz's Diner. You have to close your eyes and choke down what they serve you. Fast.

We need only one tax, one all-encompassing tax that will treat all citizens fairly. A tax that transcends social status, race, gender and age. A single tax to get us out of this ridiculous economic mess we're in.

What are we suggesting? Ask yourself this: What is the one thing in which we Americans truly are Number 1? Numero Uno! It's obvious once you really think about it. We are the world's leading producer of stupidity. When it comes to stupidity - for quantity or quality, nobody else even comes close.

We swell with patriotic pride when we say this is one resource that will never run out. As a matter of fact, we produce enough every day right here in America to supply the entire world's needs.

So, forget about income tax, gas tax, cigarette tax, ashtray tax.

All we need to do is tax stupidity.

And maybe crazy. Maybe just a little tax on crazy.

But that's it.

Senator Batson D. Belfry, with the support of various House and Senate bellyachers, has co-authored a controversial new bill calling for a "constitutional ban on boring marriages."

The supporters of this bill seek to, "rid this great nation of ours of the abomination of bad marriages and cheap anniversaries," says a leading Republicrat representative and the bill's co-author Thomas A. Haverson.

Haverson continued ruminating in public, and in front of an open press mic: "With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, we decided it was time for the government to take action to put a stop to such a statistical annoyance. To make all marriages lasting, we need only make them good and whole. It's so simple, I can't believe we never legislated this before... and I can't believe Joni Mitchell never wrote a song about this..."

The constitutional amendment would bar the existence or prolongation of long-term unions that regularly result in "bad birthday presents, passionless vacationing, thoughtless disposal of husbands' golf clubs, ruined Final Four parties, and weekly schmaltz in the guise of Hollywood romance DVDs in the living room."

And during a recent hearing on the proposed legislation, the eminent representative reasserted that the constitutional amendment was a "legal and moral imperative," due to the fact that he "only got a Dollar Store-type, garnet necktie for our thirtieth anniversary." Haverson continued his impassioned defense of "engaging" marriage with, "I mean, seriously, it was a friggin' TIE!"

All present male representatives moaned in empathy as he added, "it wasn't even silk."

Following repairs to the Hubble Telescope, astronomers at Treetops University have made a shocking discovery.

Stars were long thought to be enormous objects that look small because they're so far away. Now it turns out, they are very close and very small.

Scientists say the universe is actually slightly smaller than the Staten Island Ferry. Instead of being vast flaming balls of gas, the stars turn out to be more like twinkle lights held in place with thumbtacks on a giant piece of painted plywood.

In fact, that's exactly what they are. They are connected by nearly invisible black electrical wire. Which, now that we know it's there, turns out to be quite easy to see.

The so-called "black matter," long puzzling to science, is actually black licorice bubblegum that keeps the wires stuck to the plywood.

In addition to being smaller and more hardware based then expected, the universe is also a lot younger. Instead of 14 billion years old, the universe is 36. Maybe 40. Forty years, six months. Tops.

A Treetops psychologist has suggested that the universe might turn out to be suffering from "a kind of mid-life crisis, when you hit 40 and start wondering if your mother really loved you."

When questioned about previous beliefs, now shattered, space shuttle astronauts reluctantly revealed that during the last repair mission it was discovered that the space telescope's lens cap had never been removed. But it's all fixed now.

Anonymous sources have revealed that talk show host Rush Limbaugh is in this country and, for that matter, on this planet illegally.

It is said that he comes from a gas giant world 34 light years from Earth that has an atmosphere comprised almost entirely of nitrous oxide, commonly known here as laughing gas, but was expelled because he just wasn't funny.

What do we do with him?

"The obvious thing to do is send him back where he came from". says a NASA spokesbird, "We have boosters large enough to thrust his considerable bulk into orbit, but launching that much mass out of the solar system is going to require some serious new technology". He continued, "This is the incentive we've all been waiting for. Since the story broke this morning, we have received over 6 trillion dollars in private donations to expedite this mission".

Banks "having trouble focusing, grades faltering" in early months of Obama plan

A major setback to the Obama stimulus package came today, in an announcement by Fed chairman Ben Bernanke that American financial institutions, lagging for so many months in the midst of the credit crisis, have now become completely over-stimulated. The over $700 billion package, lauded by many to be the solution to the financial collapse of the last fiscal year, has instead resulted in a banking system unable to concentrate on the task at hand and easily distracted by loud noises and flashing lights.

"Even I've been surprised at the results," Bernanke said before members of the press and pediatric psychiatrists, "We figured the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act would stimulate the economy, but we could not have predicted this. No one wants Wall St. to turn into a nine year old that's been pounding Jolt colas all morning, but that's what we've got. We need to move forward on two feet, rather than lying down and pretending to run in circles, like Merrill Lynch is doing right now - MERRILL! I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE!"

In rebuttal, the President of AIG, had this to say: "We are incredibly impressed at the results the Obama plan has had on the econo - hey, what do you have there? Is that like a tape recorder? OMG people still use those! Whoa! It's even got a real tape inside? Hey, have you seen the new iPhone, its got this app that records things, so like you wouldn't even need to buy one of those, you'd just have it on your phone, isn't that cool? Phones are crazy, we can talk to like anyone instantly no matter where you are - I don't talk too much though I'm more of a texter, it takes a long time on the iPhone though, you need really small fingers, but mine are big - hey are my fingers too big? Can you get a finger reduction? Oh, speaking of reductions..." (full statement on pages 56 - 94).

In response, President Obama has pushed to pass the American De-stimulation of the Economy and Resumption of Ordinary Lending act in order to return the economy to pre-crisis stabilized levels. "The President believes ADDERALL could be the only way to calm the banks down, and keep things quieter on Main St. and Wall St." Obama's press secretary said, "because Mr. Obama is starting to get a headache."

"I just miss it. That's all. I just plain miss that planet," said Halley's Comet in an exclusive Treetops Tattler interview. Halley's gets to visit Earth once every 76 years. ("And, really," carped the comet, "it's more of a fly-by than a genuine, snuggle-up, heart-to-heart visit.")

The comet's visitation rights are severely limited under a strict court order from the InterGallactic Court of Gravity. ("Gravity: It's not just a good idea ... it's the Law!")

Under the court order, Halley's is required to "keep its distance" from Earth. "Geez, I'm out here a couple of billion miles away from the planet I love," said the heartbroken comet. "It's been more than 20 years since I last snuggled up to Earth and I've got another 50 years to go until I can sneak back again.

"I miss that big lug of a planet. I really, really do."