By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Published: Tuesday, Jul. 27th, 2010
Plaquemines Pete, the mega-annoyed brown pelican who says he may run for governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, has seen enough, at least for a while.
“Word on the pier is that they shut down the oil gusher,” Pete told the Tattler in an exclusive interview at a shrimp boat dock near Bayou Cane, LA.
“I don’t believe it, of course. Their lawyers’ lips are moving, so they’re lying. But I’m thinking of taking the family on a short vacation.”
Pete said that for a couple of millennia his species worried about the annual onset of the hurricane season in the Gulf of Mexico.
“Not any more,” he said. “Mother Nature has nothing on what you humans can do to us if there’s a dollar in it. The hurricane season looks like a day at the beach, if you know what I’m saying.”
Sounding mad enough to eat a bushel of crustaceans, Pete says he wants to get far away from the Gulf for a while.
In the past, Pete liked to head the family in the direction of Key West for a getaway. “Great place to fly over and look down at all the crazy people on Duval Street,” he said.
“I heard the Finger Lakes in western New York are real nice and that’s about a thousand miles or so away. But there’s a fish issue, I think, and not too many pelicans. And as far as I know I don’t have any family up that way.“
The Internet, which knows these things, tells us that in the first half of 2010 the most popular names for girl babies in the U.S. were Charlotte, Seraphina, Olivia, Violet, Elizabeth, Lisa, Sophia, Laura, Caroline and Ava.
No Miley or Taylor or Hannah, no Lindsey, no Bella (that young woman in “Twilight”), no Quinn (that blonde cheerleader in “Glee”).
On the baby boy side: Henry, Finn, Oliver, James, Asher, Jack, Max, Jasper, Liam and Atticus.
“Jeez, ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ with Gregory Peck came out in 1962,” said baby name expert and basement blogger Morty Python. “What’s with Atticus? read more»
Still a Few Bugs in the System Jul. 19th, 2010
The assistant manager of an auto body shop in northwestern Pennsylvania is unhappy, saying that his new iPhone 4 is leaking oil.
Seamus McCupertino understands that many people are skeptical about his complaint. But he says that the new mobile device doesn’t work right and has been leaking oil since he bought it in late June.
“Not a lot of oil,” he told the Tattler.
Complaints about poor reception and antenna issues have sent busy signals through CoolKids Techland since nearly two million of the sleek, spiffy new iPhones were sold the first weekend they were on the market. read more»
Lemonade Girls Wreck Economy Jul. 14th, 2010
A cranky journalist in Chicago is mad at three little suburban girls for giving away lemonade at their lemonade stand, the little Commies.
Over the July 4 weekend, this woman, who is “an expert on personal finance” and writes a column about it for an afternoon newspaper in the Windy City, was riding around in the back seat of her brother’s car in a swell part of the town when she saw the offending tykes. read more»
Stupid is as Stupid Eats Jul. 8th, 2010
The arrest of a former hot-dog eating champion in New York City over the recent holiday weekend has cultural experts raising serious questions of rampant national stupidity.
At Coney Island, a young man who had won six previous frankfurter-gorging contests stormed the stage after another award-winning glutton consumed 54 red hots.
Takeru Kobayashi, who was not in the annual face-stuffing competition because he had not signed a contract with Major League Eating (uh-huh), was carted away by New York’s finest, charged with trespassing and “obstruction of governmental administration.” Really. read more»
Cosmo
Roz
Shoe
Loon
Skyler
Irv
Wiz
The Senator
ZooDoo
Mort
Biz
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