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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? - Steven Wright The older we get, the weirder the good news gets. - Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk Without evil there is no way to recognize good... without googling it. - Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. - Winston Churchill Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. - J. Paul Getty If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. - Peter De Vries There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. - Somerset Maugham
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Onomatopoeia Under Attack!
This week the CEO of a big ‘ol company that owns a whole bunch of newspapers and radio stations in the Great Midwest released a list of words and phrases he says he doesn’t want to hear on his flagship radio station any more.
The banned list, revealed on a day when there was actual news being committed, includes “campaign trail,” “sources say,” “vehicle,” “aftermath,” “reportedly,” “incarcerated” and “shots rang out.”
Reaction from the comic strip industry was immediate. Elmer F. Muttanjeff, Chief Whiteout Officer (CWO) for the Institute of Cartoon Correctness (ICC), said the times are changing.
“We’ve given this little or no thought but we’re taking action,” said Muttanjeff, who wears a bowler hat, has big floppy ears and owns a talking aardvark.
“In the future, artists of the funny papers will be required to avoid the use of the terms “Argghh!” “Snap!” “Pow!” (also “Kapow!” and “Kerpow!”) “Zoom!” “Rrring!” (as in the telephone) and “Horsefeathers!”
Muttanjeff said the industry is taking a hard look at “Whoomp!” “Whoosh!” “Swoosh!” “Sluurrp!” “Zap!” as well as “Smack!” and “Smooch!” (as in kiss).
“And the days of the “Zzzzz” to indicate that the dopey husband is asleep are over, my friend,” he said.
Other changes may be on the way. Muttanjeff says a National ‘Toon Task Force is examining the role of dinosaurs running lemonade stands, housewives opening the door for husbands returning home from work and even coyotes plunging off cliffs.
“Splat!”
Rating: 5.0/5 (1 vote cast) |
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Big Dogs On The Loose
Mar. 11th, 2010
The big dogs are off the porch after the victory by Sadie the Scottish terrier in the recent Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York City.
Larger breeds say they are mad enough to eat Christmas tree ornaments and are demanding their own national event in the wake of yet another triumph by a pooch no bigger than a half gallon of ice cream.
“Every year it’s the same thing,” said group spokesdog Roofus, a 125-pound bloodhound.
“We win our groups then some old lady in a blue dress gives the big prize to some itsy-bitsy Pomeranian or awful little Shih Tzu. Quite frankly, we big dogs have had it.” read more » |
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Most Pizza Deals Don't Add Up
Mar. 8th, 2010
Pizza industry officials acknowledge that the ferocious competition among pizza chains for shares of the $30 billion market has led to a growing revenue crisis.
“Turns out we’ve been giving the darn things away,” said Leonard Foccacio, a spokesman for the Guido Pizza Institute in Boonton, New Jersey.
“Frankly we got a little carried away with the two-for-one and three-for-one and the extra toppings and the free hot wings and the cinnamon rolls and the two-liter freebie of soda pop.” read more » |
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Tennis Players Seek Relocation
Mar. 7th, 2010
Professional tennis players from the small countries of the world, those ones you can’t even pronounce, all agree on one thing: the location of professional tennis tournaments needs to change.
Tournaments are currently held in a select group of European countries and the United States, and players from Tiwihita, Hebekistan, and Nuhara are joining together to form the Players for the Relocation of Tennis Tournaments (PRTT).
“I’m tired of hanging out in the same cities every year - Paris, New York, London - it’s time we go for more exotic locations,” said Nuharan tennis pro Ludwig Leddleton. read more » |
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Hummer Becomes A Bummer
Mar. 4th, 2010
Auto industry executives are poised to replace the soon-to-disappear Hummer with a new model designed to reflect the current state of U.S. manufacturing – the Bummer.
The macho Hummer, introduced in 1992 with the backing of a certain heavily-accented actor-governor from the Left Coast, has gone to the big impound lot in the sky, with sales falling like approval ratings for Congress.
“We were looking for a replacement vehicle that might combine the waste and inefficiency of the Hummer with the lack of dependability of a Saab and the recall potential of the Toyota,” said auto industry consultant Edsall W. Brakeshaft. read more » |
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