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Technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. - Arthur C. Clark if things appear to be getting better, you aren't paying attention. - Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk I am a cartoon character. I am incapable of hurting you. However, if you tick me off, I could arrange to have a piano dropped on your head. - Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. - Will Rogers My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. - Hank Aaron Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. - J. Paul Getty If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. - Peter De Vries There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. - Somerset Maugham
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Wednesday, Mar. 10th, 2010 |
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Most Pizza Deals Don't Add Up
Pizza industry officials acknowledge that the ferocious competition among pizza chains for shares of the $30 billion market has led to a growing revenue crisis.
“Turns out we’ve been giving the darn things away,” said Leonard Foccacio, a spokesman for the Guido Pizza Institute in Boonton, New Jersey.
“Frankly we got a little carried away with the two-for-one and three-for-one and the extra toppings and the free hot wings and the cinnamon rolls and the two-liter freebie of soda pop.”
Weary, bloated Americans have endured hours of TV ads assuring them they could get two Small pizzas with every Large pizza, free breadsticks with an Extra Large, free garlic fingers with every four-topping “Specialty” pizza and a bundle of cheese sticks and a discount coupon with every “Ultimate” pie.
“By the time the Winter Olympics were over, our research showed that 17 percent of Americans believed the head of the company would bring the pizza to their house,” said Foccacio.
The annual “Stuffed Crusts” report issued by the Guido Pizza Institute indicates that there are roughly 70,000 pizza outlets in the U.S. The study shows that every man, woman and child consumes an average of 46 pizza slices per year and that 82% of those asked believe the pizza in their home town was better.
“Looks like we’ve been giving our customers about $12 worth of fat and cholesterol for every $10 we charge them,” Foccacio said. “You can do that in Washington, but not with fast food.”
Rating: 3.7/5 (16 votes cast) |
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Tennis Players Seek Relocation
Mar. 7th, 2010
Professional tennis players from the small countries of the world, those ones you can’t even pronounce, all agree on one thing: the location of professional tennis tournaments needs to change.
Tournaments are currently held in a select group of European countries and the United States, and players from Tiwihita, Hebekistan, and Nuhara are joining together to form the Players for the Relocation of Tennis Tournaments (PRTT).
“I’m tired of hanging out in the same cities every year - Paris, New York, London - it’s time we go for more exotic locations,” said Nuharan tennis pro Ludwig Leddleton. read more » |
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Hummer Becomes A Bummer
Mar. 4th, 2010
Auto industry executives are poised to replace the soon-to-disappear Hummer with a new model designed to reflect the current state of U.S. manufacturing – the Bummer.
The macho Hummer, introduced in 1992 with the backing of a certain heavily-accented actor-governor from the Left Coast, has gone to the big impound lot in the sky, with sales falling like approval ratings for Congress.
“We were looking for a replacement vehicle that might combine the waste and inefficiency of the Hummer with the lack of dependability of a Saab and the recall potential of the Toyota,” said auto industry consultant Edsall W. Brakeshaft. read more » |
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Don't Mess With Our Hot Dogs!
Mar. 1st, 2010
Thousands of kids are expected to mass outside a sprawling Cineplex in suburban Chicago next week to protest attacks on their favorite food – the hot dog.
“We like hot dogs,’ said group spokeskid Fenway Park, who is seven years old.
“We like them pretty much three times a day, usually with fries, and we don’t want some vegetable-eating grownups messing with our faves.” read more » |
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Amish Space Heater Recall?
Feb. 25th, 2010
Eva Langourous, a well-educated mother of two in McLean Va., is furious about the recall of the Amish built fireplace mantle she purchased after seeing it advertised in a Sunday newspaper magazine supplement.
“It looked so warm and cozy in the paper,” said Langourous, who bought a second heater for her beach house.
“It’s not like we bought a Japanese car or a killer baby stroller,” she said. “I mean, it’s Amish. It’s like hearing about a fudge recall.” read more » |
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