Having escaped by the skin of its beak, a Justice Department probe into its phone records, the Treetops Tattler is now under attack by the IRS for being a left and right wing organization.
Coming to the defense of his constituents in Treetops, Sen. Batson D. Belfry pointed out that all birds have two wings; otherwise they would be constantly flying in circles.
IRS Chief Consul William Wilkson presented evidence that the birds of Treetops DO mostly just fly around in circles.
Senator Belfry then countered that the flying around in circles thing was a matter of choice, combined with a remarkably poor sense of direction, and not at all politically motivated.
The Internal Revenue Service's intense scrutiny of certain organization's request for non-profit status is, itself, under intense scrutiny.
P. Martin Shoemaker, Editor of the Tattler, claims that the newspaper has no desire for "not for profit" status, "That's just the way it works out. We'd love to see a little profit around here," Shoemaker complained.
Americans everywhere are in something that can only be described as a state of mourning over their favorite government agency being on the hot seat. Randi Bing, a long time taxpayer commented, "I'm worried sick about all the fine folks at the IRS…if there's anything at all I can do…" "Hee hee"
There's talk of a "Save the IRS" march on the nation's capitol, seven to eight people are expected to attend, road closures are likely, along with the closures of some major monuments.
The Westboro Baptist Church has announced that it's planning to protest the protest.
THE NAKED TATTLER
May. 16th, 2013
BREAKING NEWS – In an unprecedented abuse of first amendment rights the Justice Department has seized The Treetops Tattler's phone records. A terse statement issued by Tattler Editor P. Martin Shoemaker indicated that it was a good thing that it was the Tattler's First Amendment rights that were breached, as that was as high as most of the staff could count.
Justice Department spokesman Leonard Charles contended that they were only hoping to find the number of a good pizza parlor. "It's remarkable how little substance there was in the records. Apart from Chinese restaurants and pizza parlors there was an enormous volume of chatter about bowling scores and one reporter would call his bartender eight or nine times a day because he missed him.
Charles continued, "We were heartened to find that another reporter was so deeply involved in animal rights issues that he had to call the race track several times a day, presumably to check on the well being of the horses. He also made many horse related calls to phone numbers we couldn't nail down… PETA and veterinarians I guess."
"We found that the head of the Tattler Weather Bureau was constantly going on long, aimless walks to no location in particular. I believe he referred to them as, "fact finding missions."
"We also couldn't help but notice that the Chief Political Correspondent was on a "watch list" and not allowed in any public buildings in Washington D.C. and was, also, on a "no fly" list for any planes destined for the nation's capitol."
"It seems that the cartoon editor has never been to the Treetops office and works out of a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location." By way of explanation, Shoemaker would only comment, "There have been threats." read more »
NO COFFEE BREAK TODAY
May. 13th, 2013
The discrepancy between what CEO's get paid and what their workers are being paid has been getting a lot of attention lately. One blogger claims that the distance between the two has increased a thousand fold since the 1950's, presumably because executives are a thousand times smarter and work a thousand times harder than the people who actually do something.
It's been documented that the CEO's of S&P 500 companies currently make 354 times more than their employees but, in general, corporate America is doing it's best to resist divulging these numbers. You know, kinda hard to hustle your subordinate into picking up the lunch check.
At that rate your average employee would have to work 14,160 hours a week to take home the same dough the big boss does. No coffee breaks and long lunches for the drones. Perhaps some profoundly creative time clock punching. read more »
BELLY TO BELLY
May. 9th, 2013
In 1953 an obscure calypso singer named Lord Intruder performed a song called "Jumbie Jamboree" at a concert on the small Caribbean island of Tobago. By the end of the 50's the song "Zombie Jamboree" had been recorded by hugely popular entertainers such as The Kingston Trio and Harry Belafonte.
Luther Dirth, President of the Zombie Non-Disparagement League (ZNDL), released a statement explaining, "The 50's were a more innocent time, people honestly didn't understand how prejudiced and hurtful lyrics like, "back to back, belly to belly, don't give a damn I done dead already' could be." read more »
May. 6th, 2013
Today Carnival Cruise Lines announced disappointment over weak bookings for its tours to the newly discovered underwater city of Heracleion. The city, known as Thonis to the ancient Egyptians, thought to be lost to history forever, was discovered in 2000. Wayne Bing, President of Carnival lamented, "We figured this would be an easy sell, but for some reason people are reluctant to board a Carnival ship bound for an underwater city." read more »