By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Published: Sunday, Feb. 19th, 2012
In a recent statement that didn’t surprise anyone, the all-male Senate Committee on Contraception, visiting from the nineteenth century, announced that there was no need for such measures (contraception) as, “that sort of thing (sex) doesn’t go on anymore.” Committee chairman Charles Leonard, (R) Colorado went on, “we’re all God fearing people here, and if God wanted us to be “doing it,” by God we would be.”
During the hearings, committee member’s wives paced nervously outside chambers and refused to comment on the record. Off the record one wife confessed, “We’ve been telling them for years now that “it” just isn’t being done anymore. Now we’re terrified that, with all this press, the cat will be out of the bag!”
There were no children accompanying the member’s wives. “Sure it works” observed another Senate spouse, “but we’re not sure if it could play in mainstream America.” She went on, “every American knows that few, if any, male members of Congress still posses the physical attributes necessary to perform the act in question, but it might be different outside the Beltway.”
Women across America were thrown into a homicidal rage at the fact that there wasn’t a single female on the committee, but all expressed solidarity with the Senate wives. “Can’t blame them for a second,” was the overall consensus, “look at those wet dishrags. The only thing that gets them excited is a fundraiser.”
In defense of the committee members, some staffers insisted that their bosses found Superpacs pretty darn exciting too. “And you should take a look at these guys when they see a lobbyist with a checkbook coming their way,” insisted a male aid, who seemed fairly excited just talking about it.
The San Diego Zoo has announced the theft of its prized koi, Charlie. In a tearful statement, zoo administrator Randall Bowlton briefed the press on the world famous institution’s loss. “We are without a single clue as to how this could have happened. All we know is that at closing time yesterday Charlie and best friend Leonard were happily frolicking in their enclosure, and at feeding time this morning, Charlie was gone, vanished.
Best friend Leonard is a 22 lb. Canada Lynx. The giant ornamental carp, Charlie, and Leonard the lynx, gained international notoriety ten years ago when both animals were young. read more»
Moonstruck Feb. 10th, 2012
The lamestream media, in its latest episode of spewing left wing propaganda, continues to mock Newt Gingrich for his visionary plan to build a base on the moon. Undeterred, the Speaker defended his concept and dismissed naysayers as morons, “Lets see those little “occupy” twerps occupy this!” Gingrich was overheard snarling to an aide. read more»
Where for art Thou Heidi? Feb. 5th, 2012
Winter is often disappointing for birds that don’t fly south, but The Tattler usually endures. However, this week has been particularly trying.
When there was a knock on the door the other day we were pretty sure that, since Heidi Klum and Seal were now quitsville, it would be Heidi on the other side looking for some comforting. Opening the door with breathless anticipation, this reporter confronted two birds holding Bibles. This was clearly on the low end of our expectation scale. read more»
From Kardashia with Love Jan. 29th, 2012
Speculation is raging across Hollywood like a prairie fire as to who Khloe Kardashian’s real father is. The tabloid press, unable to accept that it may actually be the man who was married to her mother at the time of Khloe’s birth, is scrambling to find who the next lucky prospect will be.
The Kardashian women, whose romantic entanglements strongly resemble that maze in “The Shining,” are currently in seclusion trying to figure out how best to market the situation. read more»
Cosmo
Roz
Shoe
Loon
Skyler
Irv
Wiz
The Senator
ZooDoo
Mort
Biz
![Shoe - Today's Cartoon [RSS]](images/b_rss_feed.gif "Shoe - Today's Cartoon [RSS]")
