Across the globe intelligence agencies are registering what can best be described as mild surprise that a high school dropout has exposed the NSA's darkest secrets. Randov Bowzinski, former head of Russia's feared KGB, reflected, "For years we've been mining our own high school dropouts to spy on the United States."
While former NSA employee and source of the leaks, Edward Snowden, does have a GED, most feel that it's superfluous and that computer gaming skills are really what it takes to outsmart the U.S. spy community. Bowzinski went on, "During the cold war we used to train our dropouts on Super Mario Bros. but since the collapse of the Soviet empire and the warming of relations with the U.S., if a spy applicant can make a dent in a TV Guide crossword puzzle, he's got a job."
Bowzinski mused, "It's a wonderful savings of time and resources. We no longer have to train James Bond types of characters in fighting and shooting skills, and we no longer have to invest millions of rubles in high tech gadgets. Nowadays anyone who can work a smart phone can be a superspy."
In the States concerned parents are imploring their children to drop out of school and make something of themselves. "We only want what's best for them" is being heard at parent teacher conferences from coast to coast as emotional goodbyes are being made to beloved educators.
On a darker note, bankers across the nation are reporting that money is being sucked out of college funds like oxygen through a pinhole in a space capsule. Banker Milton Scumm explains, "parents are storming the bank in a wild state of euphoria and demanding the money they've set aside for their childrens' education. We haven't seen a run like this since Wall St. ruined the world."
"And you'd be surprised how often these parents head directly to the Porsche dealer across the street!"
THE STORY THAT NEVER WAS
Jun. 13th, 2013
Reports of a United States Ambassador, prostitutes, possible underage girls and a State Department cover-up are shaking Washington.
A statement was released by an unknown source and posted in mens' rooms throughout the nation's capital.
"No no no no no…the State Department is not now running, nor has it ever, run hookers…that's the Secret Service you're thinking of. However, the U.S. Department of State strenuously objects to people talking about it as if it were a bad thing.
The missive appears to have been written on official State Department stationery.
Insiders suggest that the unusual method of getting the message out to the public and the media was to give Hilary Clinton some plausible deniability for the counterpunch, the effectiveness of which has been questioned.
Senate Republicans claim Mrs. Clinton wouldn't hesitate for one second to bust into a men's room if that was what it took to get the job done. Still other sources insist that sort of thing is exactly what it takes to make a good Commander in Chief.
While the Obama administration tries to shrug off this latest potential scandal as "just another prostitute-government employee thing," staffers are struggling to find someone to leak some new classified information as a distraction, before the "prostitute-government employee thing" gains traction.
It's been suggested that publishing our nuclear launch codes in the National Inquirer might do the trick. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has responded, "well…if anyone knows them, I'll just step out of the room for a minute."
While specifics were not immediately available, the Tattler has intercepted a great deal of email chatter going on between U.S. Ambassadors' wives involving top-notch divorce lawyers. read more »
YOU, ME, VERIZON AND THE NSA
Jun. 10th, 2013
First – The NSA (National Security Agency) would like you to know that we're very proud of you for calling your mom three times a week. It's just right, you keep her posted but no one's hovering. You're a good son.
But unfortunately, the gang here feels that you're ordering out too often. So much pizza and Chinese food can't be good and how about your wallet? Some of us have chipped in and bought you a nice, basic cookbook. We'll leave it next time we're at your apartment upgrading the surveillance equipment. No thanks required, you'll never know we were there. read more »
Jun. 6th, 2013
As Americans watch the IRS scandal grow with varying degrees of delight, one fact is emerging. The only thing worse than being audited by the IRS would be attending one of their parties. Videos of everything from dance classes to takeoffs of popular TV shows have made it clear that the IRS must have their own private spaceship that takes recruiters to the planet "Nerd" to scoop up the cream of the nerd and dink crop to bring them back to planet Earth to make peoples' lives miserable. read more »
Jun. 3rd, 2013
Normally bellicose North Korean despot Kim Jong Un is said to be in the depths of a deep depression since the US has been too preoccupied by domestic terrorism and natural disasters to wring its national hands over temper tantrums thrown half a world away. read more »