THE NAKED TATTLER

May. 16th, 2013

BREAKING NEWS – In an unprecedented abuse of first amendment rights the Justice Department has seized The Treetops Tattler's phone records. A terse statement issued by Tattler Editor P. Martin Shoemaker indicated that it was a good thing that it was the Tattler's First Amendment rights that were breached, as that was as high as most of the staff could count.

Justice Department spokesman Leonard Charles contended that they were only hoping to find the number of a good pizza parlor. "It's remarkable how little substance there was in the records. Apart from Chinese restaurants and pizza parlors there was an enormous volume of chatter about bowling scores and one reporter would call his bartender eight or nine times a day because he missed him.

Charles continued, "We were heartened to find that another reporter was so deeply involved in animal rights issues that he had to call the race track several times a day, presumably to check on the well being of the horses. He also made many horse related calls to phone numbers we couldn't nail down… PETA and veterinarians I guess."

"We found that the head of the Tattler Weather Bureau was constantly going on long, aimless walks to no location in particular. I believe he referred to them as, "fact finding missions."

"We also couldn't help but notice that the Chief Political Correspondent was on a "watch list" and not allowed in any public buildings in Washington D.C. and was, also, on a "no fly" list for any planes destined for the nation's capitol."

"It seems that the cartoon editor has never been to the Treetops office and works out of a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location." By way of explanation, Shoemaker would only comment, "There have been threats." read more »

NO COFFEE BREAK TODAY

May. 13th, 2013

The discrepancy between what CEO's get paid and what their workers are being paid has been getting a lot of attention lately. One blogger claims that the distance between the two has increased a thousand fold since the 1950's, presumably because executives are a thousand times smarter and work a thousand times harder than the people who actually do something.

It's been documented that the CEO's of S&P 500 companies currently make 354 times more than their employees but, in general, corporate America is doing it's best to resist divulging these numbers. You know, kinda hard to hustle your subordinate into picking up the lunch check.

At that rate your average employee would have to work 14,160 hours a week to take home the same dough the big boss does. No coffee breaks and long lunches for the drones. Perhaps some profoundly creative time clock punching. read more »

BELLY TO BELLY

May. 9th, 2013

In 1953 an obscure calypso singer named Lord Intruder performed a song called "Jumbie Jamboree" at a concert on the small Caribbean island of Tobago. By the end of the 50's the song "Zombie Jamboree" had been recorded by hugely popular entertainers such as The Kingston Trio and Harry Belafonte.

Luther Dirth, President of the Zombie Non-Disparagement League (ZNDL), released a statement explaining, "The 50's were a more innocent time, people honestly didn't understand how prejudiced and hurtful lyrics like, "back to back, belly to belly, don't give a damn I done dead already' could be." read more »

GLUG

May. 6th, 2013

Today Carnival Cruise Lines announced disappointment over weak bookings for its tours to the newly discovered underwater city of Heracleion. The city, known as Thonis to the ancient Egyptians, thought to be lost to history forever, was discovered in 2000. Wayne Bing, President of Carnival lamented, "We figured this would be an easy sell, but for some reason people are reluctant to board a Carnival ship bound for an underwater city." read more »