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CHRIS AND DENNIS – A LOVE STORY

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Following Dennis Rodman's return from his trip to South Korea that begged the question as to whose taste in friends was most alarming… Rodman's or Dictator Kim Jong Un's, New jersey Governor Chris Christie has named Rodman as his new director of communications. "It was his singing voice that sold me, his rendition of Happy Birthday made me weep."

The latest chapter in dictator Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman's bromance came just as most Americans felt that they had successfully forgotten about the previous chapter. "The next thing you know you see Rodman and a bunch of out of work basketball players getting off a plane in Pyongyang," observed a still living relative of the young Korean psycho, who wished to remain anonymous. continued »

Rodman defends his constant to-ing and fro-ing to the rogue state by insisting that he and Kim are real buddies. "Kim taught me how to say his favorite pickup line, "I love you with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns," in Korean. He says it works for him EVERY SINGLE TIME! I'm not having that kind of luck but I think it might be my accent."

Buddies that they may be, Kim has yet to sprout bizarre piercings and Rodman has yet to feed any relatives to hungry dogs. Dictator/nutjob watchers suggest the jury's still out on exactly how close they really are.

Back in New Jersey, Governor Christie, reeling from the "Bridgegate" scandal, clearly feels that there's no such thing as a bad distraction. "I'm pretty sure that Dennis will be a first rate distractor! And I'm deeply grateful that three of my closest advisors were loyal enough to fall on their swords to take the heat off yours truly. In fact, I've now issued "falling on" swords to my entire staff."

"The good news is that Dennis won't need one. With all that metal hanging out of him, he'll just have to do a faceplant and something's bound to pierce a vital organ."

Rating: 2.6/5 (65 votes cast)

AGRIBUSINESS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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In a communiqué issued from the Capitol Building in Denver, Colorado, Governor John Hickenlooper announced that the entire state has "gone to pot." In a year in which the scenic Rocky Mountain playground has been plagued with everything from wildfires to floods, the Governor explained, "A lot of people have been very tense…we needed this."

As of January 1st, Colorado became the first state to make sales of recreational marijuana legal. Hickenlooper observed, "Chilling is better than flooding, ya gotta know that man!" continued »

A sense of gloom seemed to settle over local DEA offices. One unidentified agent seemingly on the brink of tears commented, "There's really no way to replace the feeling of sending a young person to prison for burning a doobie," his voice cracking with emotion, "but I guess we'll always have crystal meth…thank God for meth."

Meth addicts are notoriously easy to identify as they usually look like the title characters in that zombie movie you watched last week. Whereas pot smokers tend to look like everyone else… only more serene.

For the first twenty-four hours of the historic event national news was focused on pot in Colorado. Correspondents from major networks and publications across the globe reported from Denver dispensaries.

Newshounds will remember that during the U.S. invasion of Baghdad reporters were observed covering the war wearing gasmasks, just in case Saddam released chemical weapons.

No gasmasks were seen in Denver dispensaries, despite what some considered to be obvious fume issues. Locals applauded the reporters' courage, "They're very brave…and laid back."

Random outbreaks of mellowness have been reported across the state, but many old-timers attributed them to particularly good ski conditions in the mountains. "A good snow year always cheers people up!"

By day two a mass exodus of journalists, many of whom sustained bloodshot eyes during the hazardous assignment, clogged Denver International Airport. One well-known television reporter grumbled, "Well, that's that. From here on a pot story will be as exciting as a MAN BUYS SIXPACK headline."

Rating: 2.7/5 (78 votes cast)

ON THE ROCKS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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ICE – it's natural, it's "green."

Sometimes it's good, very good. Sometimes it's bad, very bad.

Good ice – In your drink. The Brits tend to drink things "neat," without ice. Good Mercans like their libations "ice cold."

It's a fact that cooling something dulls its taste.

If you're drinking cheap wine dropping an ice cube in it will make it a little more palatable. If your drinking a good white wine it's usually cool, like down in the cellar cool, not ice cold.

If what you're drinking speaks more to anti-freeze than bouquet, throw a bunch of ice in there. Hopefully the desired, end result, will be the same.

Bad ice – Say "Titanic." continued »

Good ice – Hockey. And it's a perfect background color for all that bright red blood.

Bad ice – Ernest Shackleton, an early polar explorer. Antarctic pack ice ate his ship, The Endurance…bad pack ice.

Good ice – Wildlife that lives around ice has adapted to it and thrives on and under it. Without the ice the wildlife will suffer and, eventually, cease to exist.

Bad ice – Skiers and snowboarders don't much fancy ice. It's quite slippery and quite hard. Go up to your roof and dive onto the pavement headfirst. That's what skiing and falling on ice is like.
This doesn't apply in New England where they think ice is firm-ish powder.

Good ice – Ice climbers, as you might suspect, like ice. Yes, it's cold and slippery, but try digging that pointy little ax and those spiky things on your boots into say…granite. Ice is way better for digging into.

Bad ice – The Russian ship, Akademik Shokalskiy (Translation – Academic Shokalskiy) is trapped in pack ice near Antarctica. The vessel has been stuck since before Christmas.

Ice in those parts sticks around forever. When scientists want to find samples of pure water from long ago they take core samples from ice in Antarctica. Conceivably, this could be the same nasty pack ice that ate Shackleton's ship… lurking, waiting … bad pack ice.

The crew and scientists aboard the Shokalskiy have remained in good spirits, but that will be ending soon as they only had enough booze to last through New Year's Eve.

A nearby Chinese icebreaker will dispatch a helicopter to rescue passengers, twelve at a time, if the ice doesn't release its grip by the time the weather clears.

The 72 aboard the Shokalskiy have indicated that they'd settle for a liquor delivery, but it would seem that Chinese icebreakers don't use the stuff.
Silly Chinese icebreaker, bad, terrorist pack ice.

As of Thursday all non-crewmembers had been safely evacuated to the Chinese icebreaker…the one with no bar.

Rating: 2.8/5 (78 votes cast)

Protecting YOU!

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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In a major journalistic coup NSA Director, Keith Alexander, has granted an exclusive interview to the Treetops Tattler.

Following this week's admission that in June he had lied to a congressional committee when he testified that NSA snooping had thwarted no less than fifty-four terrorist plots. "It was more like two," Alexander confessed.

The NSA had gathered email address books from just about everyone. "Listen, I was just looking for Miley Cyrus' email, I have some things I really need to say to her, we just cast a largish net."

The Tattler was eager to begin the interview.

Treetops Tattler – You seem awfully cheerful… is there something we don't know?

Keith Alexander – You bet there is, after all, we're the NSA!

TT – Can you give us a hint? continued »

KA – I'll just tell you. We managed to get the credit card information from millions of Target customers and absolutely no one noticed!

TT – Actually everyone noticed, it's front-page news.

KA – Not a clue…it was our cleanest job yet. Not that we're going to do anything with the information. We just want to see if we could get away with it. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

TT – Well, if you did do something with the information, what would it be?

KA – We'd protect the good Americans we just stole the information from. Just like tracking your every move…it's to protect you.

TT – So, you feel things are going well?

KA – You bet, we just got word that Snowden feels his job is done…he's got a gig making snow in Sochi… never liked the guy.

TT – Well, what is next for you folks?

KA – We just got some backchannel rumors that there's a ship stuck in the ice near Antarctica. We've sent a man with a dogsled to check it out. It could be terrorists. There are Americans down there that need protecting.

TT – Anything else?

KA – Absolutely, next we're going to find out the landline telephone numbers of everyone in the United States.

TT – Aren't there things called "telephone books?"

KA – What?

Rating: 2.3/5 (84 votes cast)

ONE LEG AT A TIME

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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In shocking news out of Pawtucket Rhode Island it has been announced that local teacher, Wayne Bing, puts his pants on two legs at a time.

First met with disbelief, news organizations across New England have observed and confirmed the phenomena.

In an exclusive interview with the Tattler Mrs. Bing, a stay at home pet owner, explained how the freakish behavior became public.

"It was after dinner on a typical Saturday night. Wayne and I were relaxing, watching some porn, when one of the characters, referring to another character stated, 'sure…but he still puts his pants on one leg at a time like everyone else."

"Well, Wayne and I looked at each other, both of us mouthing "WHAT?" at the same time. We didn't know what to think." continued »

"Wayne has always put his pants on two legs at a time and we assumed that was the way everyone did it. Of course, when I wear slacks I put them on one leg at a time, but we both just felt I was a little backward and never talked about it. I always thought that was very kind of Wayne."

"The next day I started calling some close friends. It's funny, there was a lot of silence when I'd ask them how they put their pants on!" Mrs. Bing went on, "But it was pretty clear that Wayne was in a league of his own."

Since going public Mr. Bing, a humble math teacher, has hired an agent and a publicist. "I really feel that this is my fifteen minutes and I'd be a fool not to take advantage of it. I've even given my technique a name…The Binghop."

Mrs. Bing explained, "We're thinking Wayne can make the late night talk show circuit. Sometimes he can be quite entertaining putting his pants on. He doesn't always "stick the landing" as they say in the Olympics. I understand that those blooper shows are very popular, and things like that are all over the You Tube."

"I'd love to get one of those You Tubes… do you think they sell them at Wal-Mart?"

The Bings are also hoping for a book deal.

Rating: 2.9/5 (79 votes cast)

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