S.A.D.

With the holidays behind us, there’s always something of a letdown. Sports fans still have the Superbowl to look forward to, and misguided romantics have Valentines Day. If you actually make it through to Easter, it’s probably safe to look forward to spring. But right now everyone, EVERYONE, can start enjoying Seasonal Affective Disorder! If you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line you know what I’m talking about.

If you reside in Florida only 1.4 percent of you will be afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). But if you live in New Hampshire, 9.7 percent of you can look forward to being plunged into depression by winter’s gloom.

SAD wasn’t officially recognized until 1984. Before that you were just depressed. Of course now that it has a name, you’re still just depressed. Perhaps the fact that it now has a name somehow helps. Like when scientists have no idea what something is, they call it an “anomaly,” and that makes people think they know what they’re talking about…. but they don’t, that’s why they call it an anomaly.

When you’re depressed because it’s been dark and gloomy and cold for weeks on end cheer up, you have Seasonal Affective Disorder! Of course if you’re not depressed when it’s dark and gloomy for weeks on end, something else is wrong with you. Either that or you’ve gotten hold of something illegal… and wouldn’t it be nice if you shared?

If you live in the north, one way to combat SAD is, instead of being depressed, you could be ticked off at the people in Florida who have SAD. What in the metrological world do they have to be depressed about? Okay, hurricane season. But that’s not depression, that’s perfectly reasonable FEAR.

Your house, your dog, your stamp collection and that vintage Edsel you’ve spent years restoring are going to be blown out to sea. Don’t tell me you have SAD, you have common sense. GET OUT OF THERE!

The Tattler sincerely hopes this public service message has been of some help.

Cheer up.