Just How Many More of These Birthdays are You Planning on Having?

Every year more and more baby boomers are reaching the magic age of 65. While the state of the economy is making it less likely that many boomers will be able to completely retire as previous generations did, some selfish weasels think they should begin collecting their Social Security benefits just because they’ve been paying into the program their entire working lives.

The Social Security Administration’s response to this irresponsible and possibly un-American trend is to point out that they will run out of money by 2033, thus implying that if you love your children, and grandchildren, the only decent thing to do would be to die… the sooner the better.

The swelling ranks of the elderly are putting a strain on the entire society, so now it’s up to senior citizens to find ways to cut costs. For instance, if you’re worried about your heart, instead of going to a high priced heart specialist, just decide that this is the ideal time to put in that patio you’ve always wanted. Get yourself a ton of road base, half a ton of sand and a ton of flagstones and go at it. If by the time you’ve moved all that material around you haven’t had a coronary, your heart is fine. If you do have a heart attack and die, well, now you know. Either way, you have a new patio.

The SSA itself has begun to resemble a sleazy shell game in which, if you ask the exact same question of ten different SSA agents, you get ten different answers. The only conclusion one can draw is that not only does the left hand not know what the right hand is doing, the left hand doesn’t have the slightest idea what the left hand is doing either.

Caught like rats in a bureaucratic maze, the baffled boomer may confuse dealing with the government with early onset dementia. This may be the government’s plan.

While President Obama and the Democrats fret over a solution to the Social Security dilemma, the strongly anti-entitlement Republicans point out that they don’t care. “We’re rich, you idiot,” declared Speaker of the House John Boehner. He continued, “even the tallest person was once short,” and began to sob uncontrollably.