So Many Weasels, but Only One "Miss Weaselfest"

In a press conference at the Greensboro, N.C. City Hall, Mayor Wayne Bing declared that he and the entire city are, “plum proud” to be hosting WEASELFEST 2012.

“Weaselfest will bring people here from around the world. It will be an economic boon for the city and raise Greensboro’s profile across the globe,” gushed Bing.

Weaselfest is, traditionally, a moveable feast that every year selects a venue inspired by current events. This year Sen. John Edwards’s trial for the alleged misuse of campaign funds was deemed the personification of the Weaselfest spirit.

The former U.S. Senator, former Presidential candidate, and formerly squeaky clean human being, is being throttled in the press again and again for the same misdeeds. Lets just say “squeaky clean” is a thing of the past.

The story is a tale so utterly tawdry that it should be a TV movie on one of those obscure networks that you come across by accident, and wonder who the hell watches that stuff.

Edwards, in what can only be described as a spectacular lack of impulse control, impregnated a woman who was not the, dying of cancer, Mrs. Edwards. The Senator and some of his supporters, for some reason, felt that knowledge of this circumstance could possibly damage his image and affect his chances of being elected President.

So the candidate’s Ambien and booze-addled aide, Andrew Young, along with his less than enthusiastic wife, were tasked with keeping the pregnant floozy quiet and out of sight. Wife, Cheri Young, stated, “keeping the scumbag’s despicable affair under wraps was my duty as a good American.”

Supporters then coughed up a million bucks. Some of it was used for tramp control but most of the money was skimmed off by Young to build his new 1.5 million dollar dream house. The question is, was the dough a campaign contribution, or was it just a gift to Mr. Edwards to keep the bimbo in limbo? Whose money was Young stealing? And why isn’t he on trial? Was any of the money used for a baby shower?

No matter... we’re excited to announce that Andrew Young has been crowned “Miss Weaselfest 2012”… it was the personality competition that sewed it up for him.

When reached for comment, former candidate Newt Gingrich complained, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about…you dicks.”