Exclusive Tattler Interview

When the breakup of Tom Cruise and Katie Holms was announced, shockwaves were sent around the entire planet and the media has fixated on every aspect of the story since then. This has saved journalists from the tedium of covering a civil war in Syria, a huge election in Egypt, the collapse of the world financial system, and a giant sea monster off the coast of Japan.

While Mr. Cruise has kept an extremely low profile, frustrating pretty much everyone but the sea monster, Ms. Holms and daughter Suri have been more accessible. Making no effort to avoid paparazzi, the two have been captured bouncing around New York City doing regular mom and little kid stuff.

An effort by Holms and Cruise to quell the media frenzy surrounding young Suri was, by Hollywood standards, an unacceptable episode of rational behavior. The parents reached a mutual agreement regarding the details of the divorce in a matter of days. This resulted in a tsunami of outraged opinion pieces by irate journalists who were forced to go back to covering, “news.” “Who the hell do these people think they are?” fumed one Hollywood columnist on assignment in New York. “The bartenders here are just now remembering my name.”

Having been offered massive amounts of cash for an interview by every sleazy facet of the media, Ms. Holms and Ms. Cruise reached out to The Tattler. “The Treetops Tattler has been Suri’s favorite for years” explained Ms. Holms. Little Suri came right to the point, “Fishhawk and Shoemaker are my peeps.” Thus we were granted an exclusive interview with the child at the center of the maelstrom.

Tattler: Suri, how do you feel about all the attention you’ve been getting?

Suri: At first, the crush of photographers and all the flashbulbs terrified me. Then I realized that they were just scuzzballs with the IQs of paramecium who were trying to cash in big by getting pictures of a child. This type of vermin panders to the lowest denominators of our culture... people with no lives of their own who live vicariously through the objects of their fantasies.

T: So what’s your favorite flavor ice cream?

S: Strawberry.