Zero

Colorado’s Governor John Hickenlooper has joined with the governors of other key “battleground” states in announcing that the economies of those states have ground to a complete halt producing zero growth and commerce. Hickenlooper, the spokesman for the group, explained that the ubiquitous political ads on television and radio have made it impossible for anyone else to buy airtime to sell their products. “Everyone from the big automakers to small mom and pop advertisers have been pushed aside to make room for 24 hours a day of candidates screeching at each other” the Governor moaned. “Consumers, from the most enthusiastic to the lackadaisical are wandering the streets, zombie like, not knowing what to purchase… not consuming.”

With the news being dominated by campaign coverage and late night talk, funnymen being constantly provided with fodder in the form of idiotic remarks coming from the candidates, there’s a logjam of political carping. “There’s no room for anything else.” Hickenlooper lamented, “No one in Colorado knows that Apple has come out with a new iPhone or that we have some sort of go-cart on Mars! Peyton Manning could be giving away free money in downtown Denver and no one would show up because we wouldn’t be able to get the word out.”

In a random man-on-the-street interview Canadian Wayne Bing responded, “It doesn’t work that way up north. We just have a couple weeks of snowball fights and it’s over. Whoever’s left wins. It’s kind of a last man standing deal.” His fetching companion, Randita Boltenez who hails from Acapulco explained, “That last man standing thing is the same in Mexican elections. Except that the last man standing is the one who hasn’t been killed by the drug cartels.”