Former Congressman Jesse L. Jackson Jr. stepped out of a gleaming replica of the Batmobile and made his way towards the courthouse. Walking with head bowed, fighting back tears he was heard whispering, “I couldn’t help it… I just like STUFF.” By his side his loyal wife, former Chicago Alderman Sandra Stevens Jackson was heard echoing, “He just likes STUFF.”
Jackson’s rising star began an unexpected descent some time ago when he began disappearing from congress for weeks at a time with no explanation. Aides later tried to characterize his absences as health related, suggesting possible substance abuse issues or maybe bipolar disorder. As investigations into his possible financial improprieties evolved, it became clear that Jackson had spent a great deal of money at Disneyworld. Authorities are looking into a connection.
Jackson has admitted to the misuse of campaign funds, and will also be pleading guilty to a number of “bells and whistles” crimes usually associated with that sort of misdeed.
Climbing the courthouse steps, while clearly contrite, Jackson looked natty wearing a mink cape and a pink fedora once belonging to Michael Jackson (no relation).
Many have observed that Congressman Jackson’s lifestyle might be better suited to Neverland Ranch than the House of Representatives. Jackson commented that, “Mikey had all kinds of “stuff” and no one minded.”
A frequent shopper at Costco and Best Buy, when asked about diverting $750,000 in campaign funds for his personal use, Jackson quipped, “my homies would have wanted me to have all this “stuff,” sometimes I let them try on my “Mikey” hat.”
Having easily won re-election despite the political turmoil, Jackson can now look forward to 4-5 years in prison instead of finishing his term in the house.
Jackson is said to be hoping to keep his “Mikey” hat.