WELL LUBRICATED

While a river of noxious, black sludge flowed through a Mayflower, Arkansas suburb, a spokesperson for the oil industry explained that the pipeline that ruptured, built in the 1940's, had undergone regular inspections complying with industry standards. In fact, if you had been watching the coverage of the spokesperson's statement on TV, with your eyes closed, you would have concluded that nothing was happening at all. Which, coincidentally, is how The American Medical Association suggests you watch TV. Eyes closed, fingers in your ears.

In the United States the oil industry is so powerful and owns so many politicians that even the NRA is a little jealous. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre expressed outrage. "I refuse to accept that we live in a country in which elected officials can be purchased like streetwalkers. I'm going to have our politicians investigate their politicians and get to the bottom of this!"

The oil industry has been existing in its own reality for who knows how long, but anyone who was missing that fact got a dose of reality when, following the gulf oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward commented that he, too, was upset by how long the event was dragging on and that he "wanted his life back," seemingly oblivious to the fact that eleven men were killed in the rig explosion and they didn't have the luxury of wanting their lives back.

When asked to comment, a high-ranking oil executive who wished to remain anonymous, was baffled as to why people hated oil companies, "Doesn't everyone raise their prices regularly, for no reason at all, during a recession?" On the possibility of the Mayflower incident affecting the highly divisive Keystone XL pipeline, he laughed, "No way! When they propose gun control legislation what happens…gun sales skyrocket. I predict that we'll have 800,000 gallons of oil sands flying through that pipeline like rounds through an assault rifle in no time. This is America, I know…we bought it.