BELOVED

When members of Congress returned after their relaxing vacations, undoubtedly paid for by the sleazy lobbyists they chum around with, their first significant act was to shut down the government of the United States of America. "Everyone wishes that their vacation could just last forever," noted Randall Bolton of the Congressional watchdog group, TCWG.

Since members of the Senate and the House of Representatives will continue to be paid, will continue to have free healthcare and will continue to get all those free goodies from lobbyists, "There was really no incentive to keep the country open," quipped House Majority Leader John Boehner.

With the military still being on the job and getting paid, some people are thinking that, to give them something to do, maybe a coup d' etat would be just the ticket. "What if they went away and never came back?" mused retired troublemaker Loren Jenkman on the possibility of getting rid of Congress once and for all.

In an informal survey in which Americans were asked which congressman or senator they would miss the most if they all suddenly disappeared, no names came to mind. Some respondents mentioned that it would be okay if Kim Kardashian dropped a couple pounds and others thought the Denver Broncos might be unbeatable this year.

A "getting inside the numbers" paper released by congressional watchdog Bolton observed that Congress's current approval rating of ten percent, "Essentially means that even their parents, spouses and children don't like them."

Secret Service Chief of Congressional Security, Wayne Bing, noted, "There's been a significant uptick in congressmen and senators being bitten by dogs the last month. We're anticipating an unusual amount of cat scratchings and skunk sprayings as well… animals have a sense about these things."