Poor Product Recall Under Way

Under siege from irate consumers, Congress is moving to establish a Bureau of Permanent Poor Product Recall (BOPPR) to track the tsunami of broken, life-threatening and/or poisonous products now on the shelves.

“Had to recall some of those nice Japanese cars just the other week,” said Rep. Phineas T. Warranty, chairman of the House Select Committee on Broken Stuff. “Something about the accelerator pedal getting stuck. Heck of a thing.”

Experts say that product safety in the U.S. has never been better but many critics disagree.

“Hello, you got your cookie dough, your peanut butter, your cat food, your sugary breakfast cereal, your chocolate, your pistachios,” said Dawn O’Doom, a spokeswoman for Mothers Irate About Most Everything (MIME).

“At this point, going into the big box store for a few items is like driving drunk at the Indy 500.”

O’Doom noted that her favorite nail polish had recently been recalled and that scary scenarios abound:

“So you’re on your laptop eating a hamburger, drinking diet soda. You could be oh-for-three, my friend.

“Chances are good the laptop will catch fire while the ground beef is making you sick and as for the diet soda, well, the less said about coliform bacteria, the better.”

Members of Congress are concerned about recalls of baby strollers and toxic Santa costumes. But the latest call to action came after a recent multi-state recall of 1.24 million pounds of salami. Really.

“I myself enjoy salami,” said Congressman Warranty. “Maybe not so much now.”