Speech-Sayers! A Political Trend

As to stay in line with the ongoing trend of stylish political detachment and governmental ennui, Washington’s power elite and opposition figures alike have started hiring “speech-imparters” and “speech-sayers” along with their standard speechwriters and communication directors.

Recently, the nation’s key figures have been reaching out to famous screen actors, offering the professional thespian community part-time gigs as their “rhetoric proxies.” For an average fee of $65 a word, politicians are now reserving movie stars to deliver speeches so they don’t have to. Dennis Kucinich has praised the new idea as, “brilliant,” and stated that, “we can all finally get down to some serious legislating, now that we do not have to waste time at press conferences or at university lectures, anymore.”

However, some say this is about more than just increasing efficiency among senators and congressmen. According to an anonymous congressional aide, the recent development is actually about nothing more than, “political handlers finding an effective alternative to certain elected officials’ crushing inability to regurgitate formed sentences. I mean, seriously? Did you ever listen to Jimmy Carter talk? Or John Boehner, for that matter?”

He went on to say, “Also, it just makes things way easier on the ears of the speechwriter. I mean, I’ve always dreamt of the day that Daniel Day-Lewis would powerfully utter my written words.”

The trend has been sweeping the American political landscape. Yesterday, Mitt Romney hired Gary Busey as his official “oratory-communicator.” Three weeks ago, Nancy Pelosi hired Brigitte Anne-Marie Bardot. Joe Biden hired Brooke Shields last month. Scott Brown just hired Rob Lowe. And Arnold Schwarzenegger recently hired Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In related entertainment news, video of actors delivering such addresses and speeches is now eligible for submission for Academy Award consideration.