Operating under the assumption that where there is one particle of something, there must be a whole lot more somewhere, Mr. Trump is confidant, “maybe he’s just been out of town.” Trump spiritual advisor, Jerry Falwell, feels Trump is the man for the job. “Anyone who builds a Byzantine, gold skyscraper in midtown Manhattan in the 20th century is my first choice to locate a misplaced Supreme Being. God is obviously leaving a trail and this particle is the first breadcrumb.”

While the scientific community totally resists any theological implications associated with the Higgs boson particle, religious leaders are miffed that it took the largest machine ever created to find the smallest thing known to man... to prove something they assumed they knew all along. Which, in fact, has nothing at all to do with physics or the now famous particle.

News anchors around the globe are scrambling to figure out how to explain the earthshaking discovery in layman’s terms. With the exception of Hollywood show business reporters who are finding it useful in describing the size of the brains of Brittany Spears, Paris Hilton and a few Kardashians.

Advocates of string theory are trying to assess how the discovery affects them. But since only six people really understand string theory, no one cares.

Having heretofore led a quiet life, traveling from supermarket shelves to dinner
tables, the modest, unassuming vegetable (loaded with vitamins) is clearly not used to the rough and tumble life of Washington politics. “This Scalia comment has Republicans all over the country taking the broccoli pledge. It’s making life worse than being overcooked and mushy.”

While Republican lawmakers are quoting Justice Scalia right and left, but mostly right, liberals across the nation who had formerly championed the wholesome food are currently shunning the vegetable. One recovering hippie who asked not to be identified ranted, “Did you know Rush Limbaugh drenches his broccoli in hot fudge? I rest my case. You want a hit of this?”

Wayne Bing, President of The American Council For The Advancement Of Broccoli (ACAB), described himself as “devastated." “The sight of John Boehner in that foam broccoli hat (in the manner of Green Bay Packers cheeseheads) is still keeping me up at night.”

Word from inside The Beltway is that the novelty hats, which have actually been impregnated with the odor of cooking broccoli, will soon be issued to every Republican member of congress and will be worn until “Obamacare” goes down in flames.

In a statement issued from a "Hedonism" resort somewhere in the South China Sea, respected political analyst John Stewart observed, “You can’t tell where the hat ends and Mitch McConnell begins.”

“If you’re not an insider it’s not insider trading, it’s just trading.” The Senator’s opening gambit was impressive. “Those Wall St. bigwigs are insiders. Martha Stewart is an insider. Once you run for office and are elected your not an insider, can’t be done son, you’re a member of Congress.” While the Senator fashioned his cocktail napkin into an origami effigy of a Rolls Royce “Phantom” he continued. “If I vote for legislation that makes a company stronger, it benefits everyone who holds stock in that company, not just me. I can’t control what information comes across my desk. That information and how I move my money around are two completely different things. My investments are extremely diverse. For instance, I just purchased the small Eastern European nation of Moronia as a vacation retreat. It was one of those tiny countries that, after the collapse of the Soviet Union, had no interest in revisiting its ethnic heritage or in self-determination. Moronians are basically a lazy people and I picked the place up for a song. Now, that ain’t insider stuff, but it’s deductible, ha ha.”

Straying far enough from the point that the Hubble space telescope wouldn’t be able to locate it, Belfry continued; “There’s no sugarcoating the harsh winters in Moronia, and of course, there are the vampires. But summers there are beautiful, with the peasant girls lazing in the fields instead of working. Remarkably, they all bear a striking resemblance to K. D. Lang…it’s a “guy” paradise. I’m changing the name of the place to BELFRYDISTAN, and I’m going to be “Emperor Emeritus.”

“Naturally, I’m going to retain my Senate seat. And if you ever want some stock tips, well… maybe you could snap up one of those little countries while they last. I’m told that a lot of my colleagues are looking.”

At a Rose Garden press conference, Press Secretary Jay Carney was clearly offended by suggestions that the move was politically motivated. “This is for all of the American people. Now they can wear those Halloween costumes TWICE a year!” While on the stump in Chippewa Falls Governor Romney enthused, “My father fought in the Mexican revolution. Hell, I’m a Mexican!” “I mean, you know, in spirit. At least I wasn’t born in Hawaii.”

In a statement issued from just outside the gates of hell, Karl Rove indicated he was thrilled that “those stinking Commie, Democrats could finally agree with real Americans on at least one thing.” He went on, “I think people from Latin countries are fine Americans and a vote for Mitt Romney is a sure path to citizenship.”

Teaparty spokesman Leonard Charles stated that, “There’s nothing wrong with a good holiday, as long as we don’t have to start paying those of Hispanic descent minimum wage. And if they even think about joining a union, they’re outa here!”

In a man on the street interview conducted in the city of Oaxaca, Randita Boltonez declared, “I’m planning on spending Cinco de Mayo, the Day of the Dead and Election Day in the United States this year, possibly in Chippewa Falls. I’ll be happy to vote, as many times as Karl Rove is willing to pay me to, even though I just love my new assault rifle that Eric Holder gave me.”

Remember record players? Sometimes, the record would get scratched and it would “skip,”when you tried to play it, repeating the same note over and over again? Remember how that drove you crazy? So that’s why that continuous loop in the ads sounds familiar. Who do these people think they’re charming by reminding us of one of the most annoying things we can think of?

Conventional wisdom has it that the vast majority of Americans already know how they’re going to vote and nothing’s going to change their minds. It’s the “swing” voters that are in play and these are the folks that political ads are targeting. So, why do the rest of us have to suffer? Could the rest of us vote now and somehow be spared the long, long campaign between now and November.

No! You’re an American. You’re a proud American. You were born to suffer like this every four years. No, there are mid-term elections… every two years. Actually there are a lot of local elections, call it EVERY year. Seven days a week. Fifty-two weeks a year.

Let's move to Antarctica.