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Treetops Locals "Taste the Sunset"

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Popular outdoor activities in Treetops, such as cricket and exotic wine tasting, were disrupted yesterday as the latest effects of climate change caused residents to, "taste the sunset," according to several citizens' reports.

Residents were particularly astonished to find that the awful, charcoal-fruit aftertaste of the solar system's plasmatic orb could take up to four days to rinse out of their mouths.

"It was absolutely dreadful," remarked local resident Irving Seagull. "One minute, I was munching on croutons in the park, the next minute, it feels like I'm licking a lollipop made out of smoldering asphalt."

Global Warming skeptics claim that the earth's air has always had a history of tasting like, "vaguely minty jockstrap," and that the atmosphere has always tasted "just like a decomposing tangerine, as the earth changes naturally." continued »

"We hold that the situation has been considerably exaggerated by irresponsible environmental alarmists," says Harvey Rumpleton, the spokesperson for the Defense of the Everyman's Need for Individuality, Apathy, and Lethargy (D.E.N.I.A.L.). He continued to describe the positive side of such a global change. "After all, who doesn't like to have the sun mesquite their barbecue for free? Just hold your grill and raw venison out to the sky while the sun's going down over your backyard, and you'll be set."

Nonetheless, Senate and House Republicrats have recently proposed legislation to counter these latest effects of climate change. In today's press release, lumbering Senate goon Batson D. Belfry had this to say: "Winter-fresh mouth wash subsidies. It really is the best we could come up with."

And due to this latest global warming calamity, former would-be president Al Gore has reportedly started work on a sequel to his previous climate change documentary saga. The working title for the upcoming sequel is An Inconvenient Truth Serum.

Rating: 2.3/5 (151 votes cast)

Feds declare war on air

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Acting swiftly on the basis of "overwhelming evidence," the federal government has declared a "War on Air."

The declaration of war came immediately after an announcement by the Federal Drug Administration (FDA) that Oxygen has been classified as a "violently addictive" substance and that continued use over a long time is inevitably fatal.

"We have studies to prove it," said General Herbert "Huffy" Puff. " 'You breathe, you die.' That's our motto."

Gen. Puff went on to say, "It's not even our own American-made air. We've got unregulated air flooding across our unprotected borders to the north and the south. Some of it's hot. Some of it's cold. None of it is really ours."

According to the general, no pure Oxygen ever enters the country. Instead, it is cut with 79 percent Nitrogen and other inert gases. continued »

"That quintuples their profits," said "Huffy" Puff. "It's a vicious black market and it must be stopped.

"As a first step, we're asking all patriotic citizens to hold their breath. Just say 'No' to Oxygen. Well, don't actually say anything. That uses Oxygen."

Rating: 2.1/5 (148 votes cast)

Tax Our Single Largest Resource

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Flat tax? Payroll tax? Sales tax? Property tax? Taxi tax?

Why are there so many taxes? It is the Death of 10,000 Insults. Only a sadist plucks a chicken slowly - and we say that on behalf of our many feathered brethren.

Our great nation's hit-or-miss tax code has been levied with all the precision of a darts tournament on Free Beer Night.

Our scatter-shot taxes have completely missed our nation's single greatest resource.

It's time to forget about nitpicking over all the little annoying taxes and get right down to the root of it all. It's like eating lunch at Roz's Diner. You have to close your eyes and choke down what they serve you. Fast. continued »

We need only one tax, one all-encompassing tax that will treat all citizens fairly. A tax that transcends social status, race, gender and age. A single tax to get us out of this ridiculous economic mess we're in.

What are we suggesting? Ask yourself this: What is the one thing in which we Americans truly are Number 1? Numero Uno! It's obvious once you really think about it. We are the world's leading producer of stupidity. When it comes to stupidity - for quantity or quality, nobody else even comes close.

We swell with patriotic pride when we say this is one resource that will never run out. As a matter of fact, we produce enough every day right here in America to supply the entire world's needs.

So, forget about income tax, gas tax, cigarette tax, ashtray tax.

All we need to do is tax stupidity.

And maybe crazy. Maybe just a little tax on crazy.

But that's it.

Rating: 2.2/5 (151 votes cast)

Congress bans boring marriages

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Senator Batson D. Belfry, with the support of various House and Senate bellyachers, has co-authored a controversial new bill calling for a "constitutional ban on boring marriages."

The supporters of this bill seek to, "rid this great nation of ours of the abomination of bad marriages and cheap anniversaries," says a leading Republicrat representative and the bill's co-author Thomas A. Haverson.

Haverson continued ruminating in public, and in front of an open press mic: "With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, we decided it was time for the government to take action to put a stop to such a statistical annoyance. To make all marriages lasting, we need only make them good and whole. It's so simple, I can't believe we never legislated this before... and I can't believe Joni Mitchell never wrote a song about this..." continued »

The constitutional amendment would bar the existence or prolongation of long-term unions that regularly result in "bad birthday presents, passionless vacationing, thoughtless disposal of husbands' golf clubs, ruined Final Four parties, and weekly schmaltz in the guise of Hollywood romance DVDs in the living room."

And during a recent hearing on the proposed legislation, the eminent representative reasserted that the constitutional amendment was a "legal and moral imperative," due to the fact that he "only got a Dollar Store-type, garnet necktie for our thirtieth anniversary." Haverson continued his impassioned defense of "engaging" marriage with, "I mean, seriously, it was a friggin' TIE!"

All present male representatives moaned in empathy as he added, "it wasn't even silk."

Rating: 2.3/5 (152 votes cast)

Origin of universe questioned

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Following repairs to the Hubble Telescope, astronomers at Treetops University have made a shocking discovery.

Stars were long thought to be enormous objects that look small because they're so far away. Now it turns out, they are very close and very small.

Scientists say the universe is actually slightly smaller than the Staten Island Ferry. Instead of being vast flaming balls of gas, the stars turn out to be more like twinkle lights held in place with thumbtacks on a giant piece of painted plywood.

In fact, that's exactly what they are. They are connected by nearly invisible black electrical wire. Which, now that we know it's there, turns out to be quite easy to see.

The so-called "black matter," long puzzling to science, is actually black licorice bubblegum that keeps the wires stuck to the plywood. continued »

In addition to being smaller and more hardware based then expected, the universe is also a lot younger. Instead of 14 billion years old, the universe is 36. Maybe 40. Forty years, six months. Tops.

A Treetops psychologist has suggested that the universe might turn out to be suffering from "a kind of mid-life crisis, when you hit 40 and start wondering if your mother really loved you."

When questioned about previous beliefs, now shattered, space shuttle astronauts reluctantly revealed that during the last repair mission it was discovered that the space telescope's lens cap had never been removed. But it's all fixed now.

Rating: 2.3/5 (148 votes cast)

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