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Rush Limbaugh is an illegal alien

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Anonymous sources have revealed that talk show host Rush Limbaugh is in this country and, for that matter, on this planet illegally.

It is said that he comes from a gas giant world 34 light years from Earth that has an atmosphere comprised almost entirely of nitrous oxide, commonly known here as laughing gas, but was expelled because he just wasn't funny.

What do we do with him?

"The obvious thing to do is send him back where he came from". says a NASA spokesbird, "We have boosters large enough to thrust his considerable bulk into orbit, but launching that much mass out of the solar system is going to require some serious new technology". He continued, "This is the incentive we've all been waiting for. Since the story broke this morning, we have received over 6 trillion dollars in private donations to expedite this mission".

Rating: 2.3/5 (148 votes cast)

Stimulus Plan Overstimulates

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 2nd, 2009

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Banks "having trouble focusing, grades faltering" in early months of Obama plan

A major setback to the Obama stimulus package came today, in an announcement by Fed chairman Ben Bernanke that American financial institutions, lagging for so many months in the midst of the credit crisis, have now become completely over-stimulated. The over $700 billion package, lauded by many to be the solution to the financial collapse of the last fiscal year, has instead resulted in a banking system unable to concentrate on the task at hand and easily distracted by loud noises and flashing lights. continued »

"Even I've been surprised at the results," Bernanke said before members of the press and pediatric psychiatrists, "We figured the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act would stimulate the economy, but we could not have predicted this. No one wants Wall St. to turn into a nine year old that's been pounding Jolt colas all morning, but that's what we've got. We need to move forward on two feet, rather than lying down and pretending to run in circles, like Merrill Lynch is doing right now - MERRILL! I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE!"

In rebuttal, the President of AIG, had this to say: "We are incredibly impressed at the results the Obama plan has had on the econo - hey, what do you have there? Is that like a tape recorder? OMG people still use those! Whoa! It's even got a real tape inside? Hey, have you seen the new iPhone, its got this app that records things, so like you wouldn't even need to buy one of those, you'd just have it on your phone, isn't that cool? Phones are crazy, we can talk to like anyone instantly no matter where you are - I don't talk too much though I'm more of a texter, it takes a long time on the iPhone though, you need really small fingers, but mine are big - hey are my fingers too big? Can you get a finger reduction? Oh, speaking of reductions..." (full statement on pages 56 - 94).

In response, President Obama has pushed to pass the American De-stimulation of the Economy and Resumption of Ordinary Lending act in order to return the economy to pre-crisis stabilized levels. "The President believes ADDERALL could be the only way to calm the banks down, and keep things quieter on Main St. and Wall St." Obama's press secretary said, "because Mr. Obama is starting to get a headache."

Rating: 2.3/5 (153 votes cast)

Comet just misses Earth

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 1st, 2009

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"I just miss it. That's all. I just plain miss that planet," said Halley's Comet in an exclusive Treetops Tattler interview. Halley's gets to visit Earth once every 76 years. ("And, really," carped the comet, "it's more of a fly-by than a genuine, snuggle-up, heart-to-heart visit.")

The comet's visitation rights are severely limited under a strict court order from the InterGallactic Court of Gravity. ("Gravity: It's not just a good idea ... it's the Law!") continued »

Under the court order, Halley's is required to "keep its distance" from Earth. "Geez, I'm out here a couple of billion miles away from the planet I love," said the heartbroken comet. "It's been more than 20 years since I last snuggled up to Earth and I've got another 50 years to go until I can sneak back again.

"I miss that big lug of a planet. I really, really do."

Rating: 2.2/5 (153 votes cast)

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