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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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Michael Grimm, well known deep thinker and the only Republican Congressman from New York City, got a little hot under the collar.

"I was really just trying to paraphrase the Incredible Hulk."

The beloved superhero's mantra, "It's stomping time" is well known to comic book aficionados the world over. Representative Grimm showed remorse when he explained, "I guess I just got it a little wrong and it came out…I'm going to break you in half and throw you off this balcony…it's almost the same thing! By the way, if you don't stop bothering me, I'm going to break YOU in half and throw YOU off this balcony."

At this point the Tattler backed off a little. continued »

The original dust up occurred immediately following President Obama's State of the Union Address. Grimm was expecting to do a bit of enjoyable Obama, bitch-slapping- bashing when journalist Michael Scotto brought up a federal investigation regarding the Representative's campaign fundraising. "All reporters should be broken in half and thrown off balconies. What I regret is misquoting a national treasure like the Hulk."

When asked, Scotto a reporter for a local N.Y. television station, admitted that Grimm "did seem angry," demonstrating the kind of keen perception possessed by all the best journalists, particularly Tattler writers.

Grimm, a second term congressman, former Marine and FBI agent who was elected with Teaparty help is eager to put the incident behind him. "I read a lot of comic books in the Marines, even more when I joined the Bureau and almost non-stop since I was elected to Congress, so I guess I could have come up with a better quote. In retrospect I think Superman's, "up, up and away" would have been fine."

Scotto says he's not going to press any charges and is happy to let bygones be bygones. "I feel that this is all behind us now and I've even got a tip for the Congressman. He might want to mention to his staffers that it's not a good idea to imply to donors that campaign finance rules can be "gotten around." He also might want to start reading SHOE instead of Marvel Comics."

Rating: 2.2/5 (469 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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With the world breathlessly awaiting the start of the Sochi Olympics, the Tattler has landed a major scoop. Vladimir Putin's publicist, Amidoff Franklinski, has agreed to an exclusive interview.

Respecting his wish to remain anonymous, we will refer to him a Publicist X. He arrived at the interview wearing "Groucho" nose glasses.

Tattler: Why the secrecy?

Publicist X: I'm too young to retire…I need to work again.

T: So, you think that being known as President Putin's publicist isn't good advertising?

X: Not really.

T: Then why did you take the job?

X: He said he wanted to soften his image, make himself seem cuddlier, like the Russian bear. I figured if this guy could con the Olympic Committee into awarding the winter games to a beach resort he could pull it off. continued »

T: Where do you think he went wrong?

X: Start with the venue, this "ring of steel" thing doesn't exactly ooze warmth. Then there's the village itself…it's about as welcoming as an institute for the criminally insane, only the guards aren't as friendly.

T: Isn't fixing that your job?

X: I begged him, "how about some drapes, some wallpaper? He wouldn't listen." I said, Bring in a pro…get a decorator." Well, he blew up; he has a real problem with interior decorators…where's that come from?

T: Did he do anything to help himself in this?

X: I suggested a nice mascot; they usually range from bizarre to baffling… looks like a special ed class project. So he ran with it. They came up with a cute polar bear, a hare, a leopard a snowflake and a beam of light…excellent. But no one's heard of them or seen them yet; we're way behind the marketing curve!

T: I would think there's time yet.

X: No way… look at this, ( holds up a soft doll) an entrepreneur came up with his own mascot. It's a plush terrorist doll blowing himself up. The body parts are held together by Velcro so you can pull him apart and put him back together as many times as you want. Cute, right?

T: So you think people will take to this instead of the official mascots?

X: Not really, the guy who came up with the idea disappeared last week, the Ministry says he's vacationing in Yourdeadistan, this may be the last one. It's probably a collector's item.

T: Are you working on the President's notoriously bad attitude regarding alternate lifestyles?

X: Absolutely! The uniforms for the Russian Men's Curling Team are gold sequined Speedos. That should mend some fences.

Rating: 2.1/5 (437 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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This Governor business isn't all it's cracked up to be, and all would-be Chief Executives would do well to look long and hard at the road that lay before them before they start down it.

It's soul-searching time.

Since the beginning of this great nation, patriots have leapt at the chance to serve their country, sometimes without clearly considering the consequences.

Whether one considers this ill advised or commendable, nothing can justify making the ultimate sacrifice, doing time in a luxurious, minimum security, federal prison, simply to become a state's Chief Executive.

Recent headlines starring New Jersey Governor Chris Christie should be cautionary tale enough. As the steady drip, drip of disclosures continues it seems the fine tradition of payback is going to get a black eye. continued »

Asked to comment Governor Christie snapped, "That's a lot of bull, and I'll "get" anyone who says differently."

Now, ex Virginia Governor, Bob McDonnell is making headlines. He has been indicted by a federal grand jury for accepting and soliciting gifts such as shopping sprees for the wifey, vacations, travel on a private jet, loans and the use of a Ferrari. "I can't help it if people like us," was McDonnell's response when asked to explain.

So far he hasn't been accused of shutting down any bridges or otherwise punishing his political adversaries. Why would he? He was having too much fun!

The sugar daddy providing all these goodies is Jonnie Williams. Mr. Williams is the CEO of Star Tobacco International whose motto is, "Excellence in Tobacco." It's really, really understandable that a company in that business, with that motto, would need a few political favors.

You can't blame Williams. Popular wisdom has pretty much everyone in congress being on the payroll of somebody, anyone from the NRA to the Koch brothers. That doesn't mean that the person doing the paying off shouldn't go to jail or hell, in whatever order. It's just that the guy getting the payoff is usually the one to get busted.

No one knows if Christie and McDonnell are getting advice from Rod Blagojevich, the former Governor of Illinois is doing a little stretch for trying to sell President Obama's Senate seat.

Reunions of former Illinois Governors are currently being held at an undisclosed minimum-security facility, as four of the last seven governors of that state are behind bars.

The good news is that former Governor, George Ryan, who was in for corruption, will be getting out and going to a half way house soon.

So there's that.

Rating: 2.2/5 (457 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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On Saturday the Smithsonian National Zoo introduced its newest arrival to the public.
Bao Bao, a giant panda cub, was brought into the panda viewing area to oohs and aahs of an adoring audience.

Bao Bao's popularity should rival that of the royal family, but with less possibility for scandal since the critter will spend its life in a cage.

The eighteen and a half pound superstar sleeps twenty hours a day and seems oblivious to her celebrity status, an attitude completely alien to most celebrities. continued »

One of Bao Bao's first visitors was Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus. Asked if he had always been a fan of giant pandas, Chairman Priebus admitted that he had not. "Sure, you see them on the news and the Nature Channel, but I couldn't say I was a follower. But at our spring convention in Los Angeles last April it was pointed out that the Tea Party had created something of a lovability gap for us among middle of the road and swing voters, so we started thinking about rebranding." Flashing a wry smile Priebus continued. "The elephant had represented the GOP since 1874, people like elephants but we thought we could up the ante. People love pandas and there's no question that, in silhouette, it's impossible to distinguish a giant panda from Chris Christie." Chris was looking pretty good for the 2016 presidential race at the time so we said, "hell lets go with the panda!"

The fact that current events have dulled Governor Christie's sheen a bit didn't seem to faze Priebus, "We're going to get this animal's name on an exclusive contract come hell or high water. We don't consider its resemblance to Christie a detriment. We're already having CHRIS WHO? THE PANDA'S STILL CUTE bumper stickers printed up."

Asked if this meant that the party was throwing the Governor under the bus Priebus replied, "Hell no, we're throwing him under the panda."

Rating: 2.3/5 (452 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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"Unlike myself, the state is in great shape."

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie beamed as he attempted to wallow in his state's resilience following recent tragedies, while admitting that for him, personally, things were becoming a little warm. "As hot as a flaming boardwalk on the Jersey Shore," the governor admitted, referring to the fire that was punch number two in a one-two combo that began with Hurricane Sandy.

In Christie's State of the State address, after a brief reference to the Bridgegate scandal that was punch number three of the one-two combo, he went on to outline his plans for the future of New Jersey, none of which included hurricanes, conflagrations or bridge closures. "I didn't do any of that stuff." continued »

While some are willing to take the Governor at his word regarding his ignorance of the bridge closure conspiracy, a lot of people suspect he may be a firebug and responsible for the boardwalk inferno. "And we're forming a committee to look into his involvement in Hurricane Sandy" crowed one Democrat with extremely sweaty palms. "You know the conventional wisdom regarding politicians and large volumes of air."

Christy went on to pledge that in the future all disasters in the State of New Jersey will be of the "natural" variety, and not man made. "I've told my staff in no uncertain terms that we're done with all that. Nonetheless, it remains a really good idea to not cross me."

Reached for comment, Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton admitted that if Christie were her opponent in 2016 race, she would endorse him. "I've seen what can happen…I don't want anything bad to happen."

Christie aides suggest that if things go south their boss has a fallback plan. "He's contemplating a run for Mayor of Area 51… it takes decades for people to figure what's going on there."

Rating: 2.3/5 (455 votes cast)

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