Senator Wayne Bing explained, "Whatever these guys are compensating for, it must be a huge/tiny problem… they really like to play with their pistols."

The 4.3 million Americans who belong to gun groups are paranoid about the government kicking in their doors and taking away their guns, while the other 310 million Americans are paranoid about getting gunned down by psycho scumbag with a single digit IQ.

LaDerriere first came to national attention by championing transgender rights, "Every man and woman in America has the right to own a gun… even if they're the same person," became a rallying cry that never really caught on. Since then, LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) rights groups have disavowed LaDerriere as having a "diseased mind" and being, "beyond a nut case."

Later in the day the NBPLA issued a terse statement, "forget it," when it was pointed out to LaDerriere that it was "background checks" that people wanted, not "backside checks."

Lohan is scheduled for a court ordered stay in rehab starting in May, but many feel that "Charlie's" school is an invaluable prerequisite. The young starlet's course load will include, CS101-"WHY, In Public?" and CS203-"Choosing Friends Who Aren't Scumbags!" which consists of roundtable discussions on people you meet at your drug dealer's apartment.

Cornered at her neighborhood Walmart, a decidedly upbeat Lohan was asked what she was most looking forward to during her stay at "Charlie's" place. "I heard there's a seminar called, PUT THAT DOWN, IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. I think that sounds like a lot of fun," Lohan gushed as she slipped the latest issue of People Magazine and a Weber model 751001 charcoal grill under her sweater.

Regarding her plans following rehab, Lohan said she's scheduled some post-graduate diplomacy courses at the Dennis Rodman School For International Studies, "The State Department has asked me to travel to North Korea to see if I can do something about averting a nuclear holocaust. Sounds like a mess over there, I think I'll bring Charlie."

The NRA has 4.3 million members or a little more than 2% of the electorate… a considerably smaller percentage than blacks, Hispanics and gays. Asked how such a relatively tiny voter base can terrify so many lawmakers, LaPierre chuckled and spouted, "Well, it sure doesn't have anything to do with the money ha, ha!" He then pulled out a horn with a huge bulb on the end of it and began squeezing and honking and merrily dancing around the room. "Besides" he declared, "Who can worry about murdered children when Obama is running around referring to attractive politicians as attractive politicians."

As President Obama continues to push for gun control, Republican lawmakers are pledging to block the legislation at every turn. LaPierre pointed out that, "NRA volunteers will be handing out red noses and bouquets of balloons to all our members of congress as a gesture of solidarity. Every balloon will have a $20 in it and EVERYBODY LOVES A CLOWN!"

With that LaPierre and a score of his staff climbed into a tiny car and sped off.

At the Whitehouse, Press Secretary Jay Carney assured the media that there were no plans to resume the draft, while outside hundreds of gray haired retirees with nothing better to do milled around chanting, "You can't trust the man!" and "Off the pigs!" Headbands and moth eaten tie-dye t-shirts were everywhere, while a grinning septuagenarian passed out something that, for all the world, looked like blotter LSD.

While riot police were on hand to control the crowd, most of them sat around in lounge chairs sunning themselves, as exhausted protesters doddered about looking for someplace to take a nap.

Despite assurances from the administration, thousands continue to flee to the northern border to escape the draft.

Pathetic scenes at border crossings had ancient, decaying hippies clutching copies of Mother Jones and seeking shelter from the elements. One particularly seedy looking old gentleman carrying a sign suggesting that people should "MAKE LOVE NOT WAR" sold Canadian bootleg Viagra.

Several particularly disgruntled geriatrics announced that they were going to "occupy" Woodstock; "Nixon will never find us there!!"

In the United States the oil industry is so powerful and owns so many politicians that even the NRA is a little jealous. NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre expressed outrage. "I refuse to accept that we live in a country in which elected officials can be purchased like streetwalkers. I'm going to have our politicians investigate their politicians and get to the bottom of this!"

The oil industry has been existing in its own reality for who knows how long, but anyone who was missing that fact got a dose of reality when, following the gulf oil spill, BP CEO Tony Hayward commented that he, too, was upset by how long the event was dragging on and that he "wanted his life back," seemingly oblivious to the fact that eleven men were killed in the rig explosion and they didn't have the luxury of wanting their lives back.

When asked to comment, a high-ranking oil executive who wished to remain anonymous, was baffled as to why people hated oil companies, "Doesn't everyone raise their prices regularly, for no reason at all, during a recession?" On the possibility of the Mayflower incident affecting the highly divisive Keystone XL pipeline, he laughed, "No way! When they propose gun control legislation what happens…gun sales skyrocket. I predict that we'll have 800,000 gallons of oil sands flying through that pipeline like rounds through an assault rifle in no time. This is America, I know…we bought it.