"The deciding factor was when Rep. Don Young (R-Ak) felt that it was politically correct to refer to Hispanic, migrant workers as the W word, you know, moisture on the dorsal region. At that point we were sure we had a perfect storm of research candidates and it would be irresponsible not to take advantage of the situation."

"We've coined a catchy and easy to pronounce acronym for our new research project… it's called, WTHIWWP or What The Hell Is Wrong With People? We feel that if we can gain insight into the workings of the minds of Kim Kardashian, Kim Jong Un and Don Young, it will help us understand aberrant behavior in the population in general."

Don Young has been Alaska's only member of the House of Representatives for forty years and is no stranger to controversy. His best-known flirtation with idiocy came with his staunch support for the "bridge to nowhere," a 400 million dollar pork barrel project that connected an island with 50 inhabitants to mainland Alaska.
Then as a member of the Natural Resources Committee, Young was adamant that the BP Gulf Oil Spill was no big deal because there were a lot of ships sunk in WWII, spilling an awful lot of oil, and that didn't seem to do any harm.

Ms. Kardashian is a "reality" show star which means that she's famous for nothing at all. With the possible exception of her ka-jillion dollar, 72 day marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries, accounts of which should be required reading for all couples applying for marriage licenses.

And the 28 year old North Korean leader Jim Jong Un, son of dictator Kim Jong Il, was probably doomed to be a megalomaniac before he could even spell it. But in all fairness, you can't spell megalomaniac in Korean either.

Insel concluded, "Clearly there's much work to be done."

Public opinion on same sex marriages has been evolving rapidly in the last few years with the majority of Americans now being of the opinion that homosexual Americans have the same right to be miserable as heterosexual Americans. "Sounds like one of those affirmative action things," quipped House Speaker John Boehner. "Next thing you know, these same sex couples are going want access to free birth control."

While Supreme Court Justices are traditionally loath to discuss matters before the court, Justice Antonin Scalia did release a statement indicating that his lifelong fear of homosexuals would in no way affect his disposition towards the case. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released a similar statement indicating that the "interesting " photographs that disgraced congressman Anthony Weiner had been emailing her would also have no affect on her approach to the case, "But it's not really the same thing anyway, is it?"

When reached for comment, Rep. Barney Frank suggested that if the high court couldn't see fit to legalize marriage for gays, a reasonable option could be to make all marriage illegal. "Who wouldn't mind seeing every bloodsucking divorce lawyer in the country put out of business? It would probably put everyone in such a good mood that married people would get along a whole lot better."

At that point former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig excused himself to go to the Men's Room.

In a press conference Sarah Palin, while sipping out of a huge 40oz cup of what she claimed was holy water, ranted, "This new Pope guy is obviously one of these leftys that thinks poor people should have access to medical care, housing and food. He's all like… oh you POOR people."

Former candidate Mitt Romney complained, "It would be Pope Mitt if this Frank person didn't get 100% of the vote of the 47%."

While the problems of The Church of Rome are no secret and ongoing, the newly installed Pope Francis doesn't seem to think the disapproval of the Republican Party is one of them. In flawless pig Latin he responded "Hooway ivesgay ayay atsray assyay."

Romney countered that, "The Republican war on non-millionaires will proceed undeterred despite the debacle in Rome. I'm as good as Pope in the boardroom"

When a reporter pointed out that Romney was a Mormon and couldn't possibly be Pope, Governor Romney shut down the press conference citing "liberal media bias" as the reason.

While many feel that it was a very good week in Rome, Romney's final comment was that, "It's been a rough time for the party, I could use a workout and a sauna."

Along with pocketknives the TSA is also allowing other objects that couldn't possibly be used as weapons to be brought on board, such as pool cues and golf clubs. A decision obviously made by someone who has never been in a pool hall or on a golf course. Ms. Bingham suggested that she'd, "love to be in a room alone with Pistole and a golf club."

The TSA statement envisioned contented passengers whittling and putting during long boring flights, but cautioned that, "Some airlines may apply a surcharge for these activities" since, "They haven't yet been allowed to charge passengers for the toxic, germ laden air they breath during flights."

In his closing statement Mr. Pistole chuckled and added, "Just as a footnote: since pool cues, golf clubs and baseball bats are no longer banned, we can now do away with cavity searches, as that's where those items usually turned up."

The militaries of many nations have been trying to weaponize the gentle creatures for decades, essentially hoping to make them as nasty as human beings. Wayne Bing, leader of a UDT (underwater demolition team) unit based in St. Thomas USVI commented, "It's not easy, they're smarter than we are. They seem to resist having bombs strapped to them so they can sneak up on ships and blow themselves up. We were going to try to train them in Afghanistan for this, but there was this lack of water." He continued, "We did teach a couple of them to tap beer kegs, however, and those guys are quite popular at our UDT beach parties."

The official line from the US military is that we only use dolphins for intelligence gathering purposes, with intelligence being a relative term when it comes to human beings. "They seem to have trouble relating to our thinking, often acting deeply confused."

To date, though efforts have been ongoing, no one has been able to persuade one of the thoughtful beasts to run for congress. "It's like the explosives, there are some things they just won't do."

Several animal rights groups have threatened class action lawsuits should anyone try to put the decent creatures anywhere near US lawmakers.