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Treetops Tattler Archives

COMING SOON TO A TATTLER NEAR YOU

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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You've probably noticed that for the past few years the economy has been in a teeny weenie slump. The good news is that if you happen to be a millionaire or a billionaire you're doing great, getting richer than ever. Everyone else is circling the drain waiting for the big flush.

It's difficult to understand that while we face rising prices for everything from gas to groceries, as our paychecks seem to shrink, the stock market is skyrocketing. If the rich need some help lugging all that money around there are a lot of people out of work who could help them carry it.

Anyway I don't want to be rich, I'm too good at being poor… it would be a waste of years of training. continued »

One would think that comic strip characters would be immune to things like recessions but…no way. Hard times have hit Treetops and a couple characters have had to find second jobs.

Soon Roz, beloved for her crystalline wisdom while others are fogbound, will be writing her own "DEAR ROZ" column for the Tattler. Actual human beings, the tattler's readers, will be able to write in with questions for the "sage with a beak and apron." Perhaps the kind of questions one wouldn't want to pose to someone looking you in the eye.

Also

Madame Zoo Doo will also be branching out. For years now, if you forked over a few bucks, she'd gladly tell you everything from your future to the pin numbers of your mother's bank account. Zoo Doo considered this a trickle up economy. Unfortunately, her trickle up theory has worked about as well as other peoples' trickle down theory. In other words…nothing trickled or flowed. It just sat there in a stagnant, fetid pool of nothingness.

So Zoo Doo will be doing a weekly HOROSCOPE to help see you through the difficulties that most surely lay ahead.

Between Roz' first rate advice and Zoo Doo's Horoscope you'll never have to think for yourself again!

Think about it.

Rating: 2.7/5 (40 votes cast)

IRS PROBES TATTLER

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Having escaped by the skin of its beak, a Justice Department probe into its phone records, the Treetops Tattler is now under attack by the IRS for being a left and right wing organization.

Coming to the defense of his constituents in Treetops, Sen. Batson D. Belfry pointed out that all birds have two wings; otherwise they would be constantly flying in circles.

IRS Chief Consul William Wilkson presented evidence that the birds of Treetops DO mostly just fly around in circles.

Senator Belfry then countered that the flying around in circles thing was a matter of choice, combined with a remarkably poor sense of direction, and not at all politically motivated.

The Internal Revenue Service's intense scrutiny of certain organization's request for non-profit status is, itself, under intense scrutiny. continued »

P. Martin Shoemaker, Editor of the Tattler, claims that the newspaper has no desire for "not for profit" status, "That's just the way it works out. We'd love to see a little profit around here," Shoemaker complained.

Americans everywhere are in something that can only be described as a state of mourning over their favorite government agency being on the hot seat. Randi Bing, a long time taxpayer commented, "I'm worried sick about all the fine folks at the IRS…if there's anything at all I can do…" "Hee hee"

There's talk of a "Save the IRS" march on the nation's capitol, seven to eight people are expected to attend, road closures are likely, along with the closures of some major monuments.

The Westboro Baptist Church has announced that it's planning to protest the protest.

Rating: 2.8/5 (43 votes cast)

THE NAKED TATTLER

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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BREAKING NEWS – In an unprecedented abuse of first amendment rights the Justice Department has seized The Treetops Tattler's phone records. A terse statement issued by Tattler Editor P. Martin Shoemaker indicated that it was a good thing that it was the Tattler's First Amendment rights that were breached, as that was as high as most of the staff could count.

Justice Department spokesman Leonard Charles contended that they were only hoping to find the number of a good pizza parlor. "It's remarkable how little substance there was in the records. Apart from Chinese restaurants and pizza parlors there was an enormous volume of chatter about bowling scores and one reporter would call his bartender eight or nine times a day because he missed him. continued »

Charles continued, "We were heartened to find that another reporter was so deeply involved in animal rights issues that he had to call the race track several times a day, presumably to check on the well being of the horses. He also made many horse related calls to phone numbers we couldn't nail down… PETA and veterinarians I guess."

"We found that the head of the Tattler Weather Bureau was constantly going on long, aimless walks to no location in particular. I believe he referred to them as, "fact finding missions."

"We also couldn't help but notice that the Chief Political Correspondent was on a "watch list" and not allowed in any public buildings in Washington D.C. and was, also, on a "no fly" list for any planes destined for the nation's capitol."

"It seems that the cartoon editor has never been to the Treetops office and works out of a concrete bunker in an undisclosed location." By way of explanation, Shoemaker would only comment, "There have been threats."

Rating: 3.2/5 (49 votes cast)

NO COFFEE BREAK TODAY

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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The discrepancy between what CEO's get paid and what their workers are being paid has been getting a lot of attention lately. One blogger claims that the distance between the two has increased a thousand fold since the 1950's, presumably because executives are a thousand times smarter and work a thousand times harder than the people who actually do something.

It's been documented that the CEO's of S&P 500 companies currently make 354 times more than their employees but, in general, corporate America is doing it's best to resist divulging these numbers. You know, kinda hard to hustle your subordinate into picking up the lunch check. continued »

At that rate your average employee would have to work 14,160 hours a week to take home the same dough the big boss does. No coffee breaks and long lunches for the drones. Perhaps some profoundly creative time clock punching.

In third world countries like England, CEO's only average 22 times what workers get. In France 15 times, Germany 12 times… how do they scrape by?

JC Penney hired CEO Ron Johnson away from Apple and gave him 52 million to come aboard. Johnson lives in California and Penny's corporate headquarters are in Texas. Rather than move, Ronzo commuted daily by private jet. He was making 1,795 times what the average Penny's employee makes.

Seventeen months later Penny's had lost 4.3 billion dollars and it's stock was down 32% and Ronzo was out of work. He was guaranteed a $150,000,000 (one hundred and fifty million dollars) if he was fired.

Lets go find a company to mess up, I'm pretty sure we could be great at it.

What color jet do you want?

Rating: 3.0/5 (41 votes cast)

BELLY TO BELLY

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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In 1953 an obscure calypso singer named Lord Intruder performed a song called "Jumbie Jamboree" at a concert on the small Caribbean island of Tobago. By the end of the 50's the song "Zombie Jamboree" had been recorded by hugely popular entertainers such as The Kingston Trio and Harry Belafonte.

Luther Dirth, President of the Zombie Non-Disparagement League (ZNDL), released a statement explaining, "The 50's were a more innocent time, people honestly didn't understand how prejudiced and hurtful lyrics like, "back to back, belly to belly, don't give a damn I done dead already' could be." continued »

Since the 50's the Zombie population here and abroad has exploded, permeating our collective consciousness and popular culture. The press release continued, "No Zombie has ever received a single royalty from the flood of Zombie movies, television shows, books and comics that are capitalizing on some very proud yet downtrodden people."

A number of "rights groups" are taking up the Zombie cause. Activist Randi Bing laments, "Sure they move slow, they can't even outrun each other. Right now we're researching the possibility of a Zombie Olympics. And we have to change the way Zombies are seen in our culture. The same way midgets and dwarfs prefer to be called "little people" Zombies too understand that there's a lot in a name. "The Walking Dead" will no longer be an acceptable term with which to refer to Zombies. Henceforth "Rotting" or "Decaying" people will be the acceptable and polite way to refer to this segment of society."

The AFL-CIO is currently holding meetings regarding the potential of unionizing Zombies. "Right now Zombies in movies and TV shows are played by people in Zombie makeup. We find that the worst form of racism. Zombies should be played by Zombies.

Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are looking at the situation and there's talk of a "path to citizenship." President Obama weighed in, "Of course there'll be reasonable conditions, they'll have to stop ripping people's hearts out and eating them."

Rating: 2.5/5 (46 votes cast)

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