Search Shoe Comic Strip
Search MacNelly Editorials

Treetops Tattler Archives

DECISION 2016

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

e-mail this article to a friend
The Treetops Tattler [RSS]
Click to share this post on Facebook
Click to share this post on Twitter

I'm considering offering my services to the Hilary For President campaign. I'm thinking about this because, as impossible as it seems, I might know something that the people who are currently surrounding the future candidate don't know. continued »

Hilary and her people have their undies in a major bunch over this Anthony Weiner sexting thing. What I know and these folks apparently don't, is that the Republicans aren't going to need some nitwit named Anthony Weiner to remind them of husband Bill's problems during his presidency, and then do their best to use it against Hilary. Huma Aberdin's husband could have switched teams and be Playmate of the Month the day Hilary Clinton announces her candidacy, and it will be nothing compared to what the Republicans will have already been able to come upon their own. Hilary will not only be running against Bill, Monica, and Anthony Weiner. She'll also be running against the teenager who babysat her when she was nine, sixty years ago, and currently has several outstanding parking tickets. She'll be running against that old gal, and everybody in between. People are going to hear Benghazi so often they're going to think Hilary killed those people personally. As Bette Davis said, "fasten your seatbelts."

The potential for the next presidential election to be the dirtiest in American history is so great that it's possible the whole shooting match could get an R, or even an X rating.

You'll have your homophobic, homosexual Republicans, your whoremongering Democrats, your hypocritical, lying, cheating Republicans, your homosexual Democrats and much, much more.

It's entirely possible that the X-rated pay per view cable channels will go out of business because all people will have to do is tune into the evening news to get their jollies.

I'm looking forward to it. All I'll really have to do to make Hilary the next president is to keep her image off those pay per view channels and convince her to name Wayne 
LaPierre as her running mate.

And it's a done deal!

Rating: 2.6/5 (141 votes cast)

IS THAT A CELLPHONE IN YOUR POCKET?

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

e-mail this article to a friend
The Treetops Tattler [RSS]
Click to share this post on Facebook
Click to share this post on Twitter

Recent studies have shown that American men have the emotional and sexual maturity of high school sophomores. This was not only concluded by recent studies but also by past studies, and in fact, every study since the invention of studies, and the coining of the term, "study."

The conclusion can't be a surprise to anyone who has noticed that allegedly mature, responsible, adult males have taken up the pastime of sexting, an activity that has previously been the exclusive domain of what is technically referred to as "stupid kids."

The behavior has become so high profile that it has come under the scrutiny of healthcare professionals across the board. continued »

Sexting has been designated as a true addiction by twelve step organizations. The AMA has declared it a disease and the Surgeon General has decreed that the treatment for sexting should be covered by all healthcare plans. This includes injuries to the groinal region inflicted by miffed significant others.

Three time Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was asked to respond to the new development on the sexual frontier. Berlusconi, who is revered as the Dalai Lama of political sexual misbehavior responded, "Porca la miseria! Why would someone want to get sex onna da Internet? I get mine live at banga banga parties." Berlusconi concluded, "Lo facciamo alla pecorina?" No one in the Tattler's Rome bureau would translate his statement for us.

American sexting expert Huma Aberdin has her own take on the subject. "My husband Anthony used to be obsessed with fantasy football. All preseason he would be fixated on drafting players, and once the regular season began Sundays in our house were filled with him screaming at the television set. Now that he's switched to sexting he just locks himself in his study for a few hours while the baby and I have an afternoon of quiet time. Personally I don't think sexting is any more dangerous than loitering in Central Park restrooms… I'm all for it."

Rating: 2.6/5 (131 votes cast)

BABY UPDATE

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

e-mail this article to a friend
The Treetops Tattler [RSS]
Click to share this post on Facebook
Click to share this post on Twitter

In an update from London, it is being reported that an attractive young couple has given birth to a baby boy.

International news agencies across the globe are expressing outrage at having some good news to deliver. "We're just trying to get a handle on this, I think we're in over our heads," whined Leonard Charles, editor of London's "The Sun."

In man on the street interviews people are clearly nonplussed. "Where's the death, where's the destruction, where's the pestilence?" Complained one London banker on his way to work to screw people. continued »

Americans, who have been fond of the lad's parents, are hoping for some kind of good news trend but wonder that, even if good news happens, if the media is capable of reporting it. "I've often thought that good news was being swept under the rug in an effort to keep the public calm," suggested one television watcher.

Politicians and pundits across the spectrum are weighing in on the topic and not mincing words.

In a joint press conference, House Majority Leader John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell decried the situation, "We've been working for years to keep good news off the front page, and now this!" The word filibuster escaped their collective lips several time during tense exchanges with reporters.

The White House released a statement indicating that President Obama was directing Attorney General Eric Holder to "look into the situation" to determine if any federal laws were being broken by the brief spate of good news.

Radio gasbag Rush Limbaugh railed that the birth was a clear indication that global warming was nothing but pinko propaganda and that the parents were undoubtedly Democrats.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre announced he was sending the child an assault rifle to celebrate the US and England's special relationship.

When asked to comment on the situation New York Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner told reporters he had nothing to say but would tweet some pertinent images later in the day.

Geraldo Rivera said that he already had.

Rating: 2.7/5 (131 votes cast)

BLESSED EVENT

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

e-mail this article to a friend
The Treetops Tattler [RSS]
Click to share this post on Facebook
Click to share this post on Twitter

After months of anticipation and a seemingly endless vigil, animal lovers have joined royal watchers across the globe in giddy celebration.

The announcement that Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has given birth to an eight-pound baby panda sparked spontaneous celebrations in the streets of London and major cities across the globe.

Palace spokesperson Randy Bowlting gushed, "It's unbelievable that the most popular royals in generations should bring the most beloved animal in the world, uh…into the world! But it was pretty much the only way they could have lived up to the hype."

When asked for comment, royal grandfather Prince Charles began to relate an amusing anecdote about hunting pandas in China when he was a lad… Charles has never been terribly popular. continued »

The panda, whether male or female, will be third in line to the British throne behind his father William and grandfather Charles.

The endangered species advocacy group Wild Earth Guardians issued a statement hailing the birth of the rare and wonderful animal. "The British aristocracy, which has been notoriously inbred for hundreds of years are finally making themselves useful. If they can continue this trend of birthing mutant endangered species perhaps they'll finally have earned the right to live in their damned castles."

The gender of the cub is, so far, a closely guarded secret. But when reached in a tool shed behind the Moscow residence of Russian President Vladimir Putin, Edward Snowden claimed that he knows and will be releasing a statement soon.

Following the dismaying declaration of bankruptcy by the city of Detroit, The Detroit Zoo has offered to give the new arrival a home in hopes of boosting attendance and staying solvent.

Spokesperson Bowlting felt sure the panda cub would be able to do better.

Rating: 2.6/5 (131 votes cast)

FALL LINEUP

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

e-mail this article to a friend
The Treetops Tattler [RSS]
Click to share this post on Facebook
Click to share this post on Twitter

This column is dedicated to the beautiful women that are taking care of Angelface - Anne, Bisque and Randi.

As the summer flies by far too quickly, the major television networks are beginning to unveil their new fall schedules.

NBC hasn't exactly been knocking them dead in the ratings and is pinning high hopes on a new drama about a cranky yet brilliant veterinarian who solves seemingly, unsolvable medical mysteries, saving the lives of countless dogs and cats. It's called "Animal House." continued »

CBS is banking on a reboot of the old and beloved Fred MacMurray sitcom, "My Three Sons." In the spirit of modernizing the theme and in light of recent Supreme Court rulings and the increasing acceptance of alternate lifestyles and transgender reassignment, this new version will be called, "My Three Sons/Daughters." Richard Simmons will star as the lovable and wise dad.

In yet another revival, ABC is launching the retread of the classic "Mr. Ed" in a Wednesday night comedy block offering, "Mr. Ed Goes to the Planet of the Apes." There are no human characters… Jim Carey is slated to play all the parts except for the Borden cow that will be played by Kim Kardashian and some of her sisters.

All the networks are rolling the dice with their highly profitable news divisions. The competition is fierce from the early morning shows to prime time news magazines. With everyone looking for an edge, CBS will be airing its 6 o'clock news at 5, NBC will run theirs at 4 and ABC at 3. All will continue to be called the "6 O'clock News" to avoid confusion.

This season's incarnation of the "Survivor" series is "Survivor Hollywood" in which contestants are dropped off in tinsletown to practice deceit, lying and backstabbing. They are eventually absorbed into the Hollywood community to become publicists, agents and producers and are never heard from again.

In a hopeful editorial, the "Hollywood Reporter" points out that Saturday morning cartoons remain the same, so all is not lost.

Rating: 2.6/5 (140 votes cast)

Shoe Store
Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement