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MIDNIGHT AT THE OASIS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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President Obama has condemned the carnage occurring in the streets of Cairo but didn't go much farther, as the whole thing reminded him too much of the House of Representatives.

He did cancel joint military exercises with the Egyptian army. These exercises have been going on for many years but the average American wasn't really aware of them until they were canceled.

Had we known about them we might have asked, "What the hell are we going to do with the Egyptian army?" Get a little "invading" practice in, I suppose. It's the Middle East… there's no shortage of countries that might, potentially, need a little invading. continued »

Since invading stuff over there has proven to be so much fun in recent years, maybe, instead of sending the army over to play with the Egyptian military, we should send the US Congress on maneuvers in the desert… you know, "Boehner of Arabia"…Harry Reid on a camel, it's a pretty picture.

Perhaps the army made up of the US Congress and the Egyptian army could practice invading Egypt. Egypt definitely needs invading because their army just overthrew a legitimately elected government.

The silly Egyptians elected a Moslem Brotherhood president and we know how those guys feel about the good old US of A.

The State Department has urged all Americans to get out of Egypt and closed the embassy. It seems that the only people in Egypt who like us are the military… I guess it's better than having no friends at all.

As it happens the people who run the military in Egypt were trained in the US by our military. It's a good thing they weren't trained by Congress because then they'd be doing nothing.
OK, next time we'll have Congress train them.

Rating: 2.5/5 (122 votes cast)

THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN FLORIDA

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Geologists in Orlando, Florida have announced that they have pinpointed the cause of the sinkhole that is swallowing a resort motel near Disneyworld.

Prof. Randy Bing speaking for the group indicated that, "Scores of huge rodents, perhaps mice, had been burrowing under the neighborhood for years. The mice were then joined by ducks and dogs in the excavation project."
The system of tunnels is reported to resemble something one would associate with a smuggling operation…or a prison break. "The entire phenomenon is totally inconsistent with usual rodent, duck, dog behavior."

Spokesmen at Disneyworld are not commenting on the situation, but maintenance staff has been observed hosing down particularly grimy little elephants on the Dumbo ride in the wee morning hours. continued »

It was not too many years ago that an effort by Disney cartoon characters to unionize was brutally crushed by management. The uprising by unbearably cute and iconic licensed characters was brought on by Draconian rules that regulated every facet of their lives right down to their underwear. It was so embarrassing to the theme park giant that there were whispers of unexplained disappearances in the wake of the event.
For weeks children would have to search for hours to find a Mickey or Minnie. When a Mickey could be found, he would seem confused and disoriented… as if he had just emerged from some torturous maze.

Reached for comment, Disney pitchman Buzz Lightyear was vague, "I had some reentry issues on Space Mountain a few years back, sometimes I forget… I try to stay away from the mice."

Orlando authorities will be meeting with representatives from d-CON, the pest control people today.

Bing explained, "The problem is, if animals this size die in the tunnels, the stench could permeate this entire part of the city for weeks or even months."

Rating: 2.5/5 (141 votes cast)

HOT TIMES IN MOTHER RUSSIA

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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The frosty relationship between Russia's President Vladimir Putin and President Obama looks like it may become even colder. In response to Russia's crackdown on its gay and lesbian citizens, president Obama has pledged to send only gay athletes to the Olympic games in Sochi this winter.

Whitehouse Press Secretary Jay Carney observed, "I think it will be the most colorful opening ceremony parade ever!"

President Obama has gone on record as having no patience with nations that mistreat its alternate lifestyle citizens, "who do these countries think they are, Alabama?"

In a New York Times op-ed piece Sports Illustrated editor Randall Bolting mused, "It will be interesting to see just how much this changes the makeup of the group we send to Sochi." continued »

Several athletes who will definitely be competing have alluded to a confidential text from the President suggesting that if they run into Edward Snowden they might want to get a "piece" of him for Barak. No one inferred that he meant "piece" in the good way.

Popular entertainer and lesbian activist Ellen DeGeneres has announced that she and partner Portia de Rossi will be training for the ice dancing competition, while THE BIGGEST LOSER's Jillian Michaels say she "just wants to kick some commie ass in any event at all."

Many observers are confident that the changes in the Men's Figure Skating contingent will be minimal.

US hockey coach Wayne Bing seemed unperturbed by the proposition. "We've already sent sticks and pads over to the figure skaters and they're going to start cross training today. They're fine athletes and I'm sure they'll adapt…cross training, not cross dressing!"

Biathlon coach Lane LaDierre is less sanguine, "I've noticed Jillian Michaels hanging around the shooting range quite a bit and, frankly, I'm not too eager to see that woman with a rifle in her hands.

The US Snowboard Team has yet to be notified of the development, as it was deemed prudent to wait till the drugs wore off before giving them the news.

Rating: 2.6/5 (148 votes cast)

SUM...SUM... SUMMERTIME!

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Congress is on vacation for five weeks, so I guess we're sort of safe.

As patriotic Americans, we all hope that those hard working folks will have the best time the NRA, big oil, Halliburton, Monsanto, big pharma, Wall St. and a host of others can buy.

The lobbyists are on vacation too…working vacations. Now they get to schmooze members of congress and take them to dinner at great restaurants in exotic places, instead of the best restaurants in D.C.

Some years lawmakers are tempted to go back to their home states and districts to get a sense of how their constituents feel about things. But given the popularity of the current congress, most of them would rather disguise themselves as t-bone steaks and play tag with a pack of starving wolves. continued »

Just before congress took it's summer powder, the government closed a bunch of embassies because of credible terror threats. This gave senators and representatives the opportunity to give that gambit their blessing as they boarded planes bound for places with open embassies…and open bars. If anything bad happens while they're gone it won't be for want of some high-fiving.

The nation's governors are not necessarily on vacation, they're "nose to the grindstone" kinds of guys. New Jersey's Chris Christie is disregarding the fact that Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is supposed to be off duty and sent him a carton of SPF 2,000,000 sunscreen that he said, "Senator Paul will need in hell." Paul sent Christie a nice pair of swim trunks, "because I'm sure he looks great in a bathing suit." Bitchslapping takes no vacations.

Bradley Manning has decided to take five weeks off too; he'll be relaxing in a federal facility somewhere.

Edward Snowden will not be taking anytime off. Putin has him looking for some snow to shovel in Sochi.

Anthony Weiner is still hard at work on the campaign trail…because hard is the way he rolls.

Rating: 2.7/5 (142 votes cast)

HOME SWEET HOME

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Russia is 6,592,771 square miles in area, with a population of 142,500,482 and President Vladimir Putin seems to have found room for Edward Snowden.

This has supremely ticked off the Obama administration.

Officials had previously been encouraged by the Russians' response to the Boston Marathon bombings and its help in zeroing in on the suspects and providing intelligence regarding their history. Russia had even flagged the suspects and given us something of a heads up…we thought things were improving.

However the Boston Marathon suspects were dinks who didn't know anything and were probably just as apt to blow up something in Russia…so that was different.

Edward Snowden knows stuff, NSA stuff. continued »

With the granting of asylum to Snowden, it seems that the good times are over. President Obama has confided to aids that he's never going bowling with Putin again.

The Russian Ministry of Propaganda has been trying to float a theory that Putin has given Snowden asylum so that he can be naturalized as a Russian citizen and play center for the Russian hockey team in the Sochi Olympics this winter. They claim that Putin had no idea Snowden worked for the NSA.

US experts suggest that the luge would be a better fit for Snowden, making him a more difficult moving target for CIA snipers. They are pretty sure that Putin knew about Snowden's previous employment.

Snowden's dad has been seen on American television explaining to reporters that there's no way his son could get a fair trial in the US, thus the move to Russia…land of fair trials. Not that Snowden will be going on trial in Russia… he hasn't broken any laws there yet and probably won't get a very high security clearance at his new job raking Putin's lawn.

On a more pleasant note, Edward Snowden has been named President of the Bradley Manning fan club in absentia.

It's widely accepted that with a height of 5'3" Bradley Manning would be pretty much useless to an Olympic hockey team.

Rating: 2.7/5 (138 votes cast)

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