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ONE PUNCH KHLOE

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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In a statement issued from planet Celebusphere, Bruce and Kris Jenner have announced that they are splitting up. For those of you who don't travel to planet Celebusphere regularly, Kris Jenner was once Kris Kardashian, mom to those sweet Kardashian girls.

Rumors have been swirling, suggesting there was tension in the family ever since Bruce stopped letting the kids use his face for a trampoline, "Hey, it costs a fortune to get it this tight…I can't be going in for a tune-up every couple months."

Jenner is said to have moved into his beach house around the same time that daughter Kim moved home with hubby Kanye West and the new baby, North. Jenner denies the connection, "Hey, it was great having Kanye around. I saved a fortune on pay-per-view boxing. I could just open the drapes and watch him punch out the paparazzi." continued »

Youngest daughters Kendall and Kylie spent the summer with dad at the beach, sighting an aversion to eau de diaper as a compelling factor, "We prefer eau de lobster" snarled Kendall.

The hit reality series, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, in its eighth season, will continue with Jenner and all the kids. Producers have mixed feelings as to the possibility of West mixing it up with the camera crew, "These guys are combat veterans, having put up with Kim, Khloe and Kourtney for all these years… we'd hate to see any of them hurt. Then again, it would be interesting to see who has the better right… Khloe´ or Kanye. They don't call her "one punch Khloe" in the editing room for nothing."

The breakup is said to be amicable and no divorce papers have yet been filed. A producer did speculate, "Keeping up" would be more interesting if one or both of them would start dating. It's too bad Mike Tyson cleaned himself up; he would have made a great step dad for the girls, but I don't think you can hang around that family and not be able to have a few pops at the end of the day."

Rating: 2.6/5 (140 votes cast)

TWERK THIS BUSTER

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Last week had Miley Cyrus enjoying a higher approval rating among religious fundamentalists than the United States Congress had among the American people. Evangelical preacher Pat Robertson and Taliban leader Mohammed Omar agreed, "Sure the devil Cyrus will burn in hell but compared to the U.S. House of Representatives she seems okay." For those not familiar with the House of Representatives, it's a group of people who all believe that the definition of intelligence is to be the smartest person in a room full of morons. continued »

While surrealism permeated the nation's capitol, unexpected tragedy struck when a young mother was shot to death as she tried to use her vehicle to ram barricades at the White House and again near the Capitol. She is said to have been unhinged and delusional. Unfortunately, authorities thought she was delusional because she felt she was being watched by the government… what could have given her that idea? If you don't think your being watched by the government you're delusional. There are 121,000,000 licensed drivers in the United States and it's a little surprising that they all aren't driving around Washington trying to crash barriers.

The appropriateness of the use of deadly force is being questioned, but when it's pointed out that some senators and representatives might have been winged, most people agreed that a little more deadly force would have been all right.
As Ms. Cyrus enjoys millions in free publicity, some positive and some negative, no one is denying that she's a gifted, young performer. As the U.S. Congress enjoys millions in free publicity, all negative, no one is denying they're a bunch of self-serving weasels.

A statement issued by Speaker of the House, John Boehner's office admitted that, "Many Americans see the Teaparty faction as human twerks. But if we could get the approval numbers of people who are okay with Ms. Cyrus's gyrations, we'd be in much better shape.

We're not taking twerking off the table."

Rating: 2.6/5 (134 votes cast)

BELOVED

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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When members of Congress returned after their relaxing vacations, undoubtedly paid for by the sleazy lobbyists they chum around with, their first significant act was to shut down the government of the United States of America. "Everyone wishes that their vacation could just last forever," noted Randall Bolton of the Congressional watchdog group, TCWG.

Since members of the Senate and the House of Representatives will continue to be paid, will continue to have free healthcare and will continue to get all those free goodies from lobbyists, "There was really no incentive to keep the country open," quipped House Majority Leader John Boehner. continued »

With the military still being on the job and getting paid, some people are thinking that, to give them something to do, maybe a coup d' etat would be just the ticket. "What if they went away and never came back?" mused retired troublemaker Loren Jenkman on the possibility of getting rid of Congress once and for all.

In an informal survey in which Americans were asked which congressman or senator they would miss the most if they all suddenly disappeared, no names came to mind. Some respondents mentioned that it would be okay if Kim Kardashian dropped a couple pounds and others thought the Denver Broncos might be unbeatable this year.

A "getting inside the numbers" paper released by congressional watchdog Bolton observed that Congress's current approval rating of ten percent, "Essentially means that even their parents, spouses and children don't like them."

Secret Service Chief of Congressional Security, Wayne Bing, noted, "There's been a significant uptick in congressmen and senators being bitten by dogs the last month. We're anticipating an unusual amount of cat scratchings and skunk sprayings as well… animals have a sense about these things."

Rating: 2.6/5 (152 votes cast)

EYE SPY

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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It has been revealed that the N.S.A. has been gathering data on Americans' social media connections…just like the rest of the world.

People's tendency to accept friend requests from every Tom, Dick and Harry didn't exactly make this current invasion of everybody's privacy, superspy material. Your eight year old could have pulled it off if he was interested.

Personally, I received a friend request from someone named Raquel Nsa. A rather strange last name I thought, but when I looked up her homepage, I couldn't help but notice that she was quite attractive, seemed to have an exceptional chest and that we had a large number of friends in common, none of whom, like the majority of my facebook friends, I had never laid eyes on. Boom, I had a new facebook friend… 781 and counting. continued »

Imagine my surprise when just a few days later my girlfriend and I were having one of our frequent, fascinating, long and in-depth conversations about facebook and she mentioned that this guy, Brad Nsa, had friended her. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Justin Timberlake and they had many friends in common…none of whom my gal had ever met. Coincidence? Not much of one, neither of us actually knew more than a few of our facebook friends. Since my Raquel noted that she was single and gave every indication that she was "looking," I naturally assumed that she and Brad were brother and sister.

So now my girl and myself and everyone else in America has one more facebook friend, either Brad or Raquel Nsa…you thought it was a funny last name too.

The Nsa siblings have access to everything we post on facebook and will almost certainly be Linkedin with us soon. We'll all be tweeting, chirping, posting and linking merrily away. The Nsas will know everything about us.

They'll know that as of today we still look like the best photograph of us ever taken in high school or college. They'll know that we all live in beautiful houses in resort communities that other people dream of just visiting once in their lives. They'll know that we go to parties with big celebrities and that we're dating the most beautiful men and women imaginable.

I wouldn't worry too much about what the N.S.A. learns about us on social media.

Rating: 2.6/5 (137 votes cast)

ART FALLING FROM THE SKIES

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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The Volkswagen Group announced this week that it would no longer produce the iconic VW Bus.

The ride of choice for hippies and counterculture types since the sixties, the last of its breed will roll off the Sao Paulo (Brazil) assembly line soon.

The Tattler has all its investigative resources attempting to find a hippie who remembers the sixties. Editor P Martin Shoemaker commented, "We feel the nostalgia could be suffocating…especially combined with all that pungent smoke."

The VW bus was a one of a kind vehicle for years, until in the early eighties, when Lee Iacocca reinvented it as the mini-van for Chrysler. Hailed as a genius for saving that company, when asked what took him so long he responded, "Hey, I was a little busy inventing planned obsolescence for a while there." continued »

You will remember that planned obsolescence was a business plan in which automobile parts were deliberately designed to fail after a certain amount of time so the company could sell replacement parts to the lucky vehicle owner. Replacement parts are hugely profitable.

Many "lucky owners" are hoping that Lee ends up driving a Ford Pinto in hell.

Fortunately for Iacocca, he's mostly remembered for the mini-van and not for continuing to pick the customer's pocket for years after the initial purchase of the vehicle.

In the early years of the hippie/VW Bus love affair, the artistically inclined hippie would acquire his VW Bus, smoke a bale of pot, drop some acid, get out the paint and brushes and proceed to personalize his new ride.

The summer of love wouldn't have been nearly as lovely without those examples of how much could be accomplished when stoned to the gills.

Some of those hippie artists turned pro, formed companies, and had careers painting VW Busses for less artistically inclined but well-heeled hippies.

Now that is ending, those artists are bound for the ranks of the unemployed.

However the Obama administration, gravely concerned with unemployment numbers has decided that if the government can bail out greedhead millionaire bankers, it can help out some unemployed hippies.

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has announced that all unemployed hippie artists will be given jobs painting drones. "I think it will brighten up the entire program, and brings a little joy into the lives of those about to be vaporized."

Rating: 2.6/5 (142 votes cast)

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