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AND DON’T FORGET THE WEINER SCHNITZEL

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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"Dear God…where is the trust?" So lamented Texas Senator Ted Cruz when he learned that the NSA was spying on our allies. "What makes them think that Germany and our other friends would want to bring down the government of the United States? That's our job." Cruz elaborated, "You know that time your neighbor caught you with your nose up to his bedroom window watching his wife undress? It's like that…embarrassing." Cruz went on, "That's just a hypothetical you know…I never…"

It's even more embarrassing if West German Chancellor Angela Merkel is the neighbor.

We (America) didn't deny a little peeping; we just claimed that everyone does it… but that we were the only one to get caught with our pants down around our ankles. continued »

Given the amount of technology that's available to the average six year old it's not surprising the United States government can listen in on anyone in the world any time they want. Couple guys at NSA, "Hey Joe, what do you suppose Jennifer Aniston's up to? "Don't know Fred, let's check it out."

Technology is like having a gun, just because you have one doesn't mean you should get to go around shooting people.

Merkel first became suspicious that someone might be listening when husband Joachim received an anonymous phone call on his way home from work. It was a hang up call indicating that he'd forgotten to pick up the dry cleaning and adding a few items to the grocery list. Unnamed sources inside NSA suggested, "Well, we try to be helpful."

The German Chancellor placed a collect phone call to the Whitehouse.

Aides say there was a frank and candid exchange of views.

A press conference with First Lady Michelle Obama left reporters with the distinct impression that someone would be sleeping on the couch for a week.

Rating: 2.5/5 (146 votes cast)

HEY, YO, CHROME DOME!

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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This week researchers at Colombia University announced a breakthrough in the quest seeking a cure for baldness. Hair loss is said to afflict 50% of all Americans and, of the over sixty crowd, its 60% of men and 80% of women.

It is presumed that a cure for baldness would be a success on par with Viagra; something I'm not familiar with, but am told is a cure for softness. I'm also told that the product is not used by women…at least not on themselves. continued »

The potential of billions of dollars that could be made on a cure for baldness is in stark contrast with the zeros of dollars that are being made on the cure for obesity…NOT EATING. The obesity cure is a pill that is not being taken. I'm sure if a baldness cure pill had to be accompanied by a drastic reduction of ones calorie intake to be effective, there'd be just as many bald people running around as ever.

Statistics tell us that 69.2% percent of Americans are overweight and 35.9% of them are obese, and yet the "stop eating" cure has never caught on.

What Americans do instead is buy countless books on dieting. If that doesn't work, some of the truly dedicated will also read the books. This approach is rarely tied to the missing of a meal or an increase in physical activity. Success has been limited.

For quite some time now my advice to young people just finishing high school or college, who want to get ahead, has been to either write a weight loss book or take up tattoo removal.

I honestly don't think you have to know anything to write a diet book. As previously pointed out, most people think that just buying the book is enough, and those who actually read it feel that just reading it is enough. No one's actually going to try to live on nothing but rubber bands and Kleenex tissues for three months like you suggest.

For the non-literary types tattoo removal can be a viable alternative for success. It can require some medical training…unless you can get your patient in the same condition he was in when he got the tattoo. In that case that cheese grater in the kitchen drawer will do nicely.

Oh, and good luck with that shiny head of yours.

Rating: 2.6/5 (138 votes cast)

SO YOU WANT TO BE A BANKER?

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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One of the results of Washington's recent love fest was a rise in mortgage rates. That's pretty good news because people didn't want places to live anyway, and those who did purchase homes with predatory mortgages issued by greedy bankers were terrified that the screwing they were enjoying would end sometime.

The best news to come out of more than two weeks of congressional clusterboinking was that the stock market actually went up in value, so at least the rich continued to get richer while the rest of the country continued to take it from behind. Yea rich people! continued »

On Sept. 24, Jamie Dimon, CEO of JP Morgan Chase, called Attorney General Eric Holder… "Yo Eric, I hear you're upset about our guys here selling worthless mortgage investments." Apparently Dimon got that crazy idea because the Justice Department was hours away from announcing charges against his weasel bank. "We gotta talk." Thus began weeks of shuck and jive, something big money Wall St. types do better than two bit carneys selling cure-all elixirs.

It would seem that Holder is good at that sort of thing himself, as Dimon ended up agreeing to a 13 billion dollar settlement. The fact that they agreed to a settlement that large makes you wonder just how much they really screwed people.

13 billion dollars represents half of Morgan Chase's profits last year. If you'd like to take a moment to cry this out and gather your composure, you can stop reading for a bit.

Dimon, who still enjoys the confidence of the board of directors at Morgan Chase, is optimistic, "China is thinking about buying the District of Colombia and a couple New England states. If that goes through we'll hold the paper."

Rating: 2.6/5 (128 votes cast)

FAN AND SHOVEL POLITICS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Just before midnight President Obama signed a bill that reopened government and raised the debt ceiling. Furloughed federal workers will be back on the job and will probably be compensated for lost wages during the shutdown. Nonetheless, Standard and Poors has estimated that the shutdown cost the economy 24 billion dollars.

People who had planned a vacation to our national parks were turned away… there was no one to illegally feed the bears. The communities, for whom the parks are their economic engines, had no business. Businesses that service federal facilities across the nation were empty. Countless hard working Americans were affected… bears had to eat bear food. continued »

In a press release, those elected officials who were responsible for all the totally unnecessary misery have announced that they will reimburse victims of the shutdown out of their own pockets.

Wait, wait, I've just received a bulletin. It seems that that there was a severe electrical disturbance, that combined with unusual sunspots, had us receiving a press release from the planet Fairness. We're being told to ignore that one and refer to a new release out of Washington, on planet Earth. This one says, "tough titties." The missive goes on, "Get used to it chumps, we ain't going anywhere."

It seems that the new agreement only funds the government until January 15 and the U.S. will once again face default on February 7. In other words, the government will be open for 90 days before something bad hits the fan again.

A spokesperson for House Morons suggested, "We're stockpiling stuff to throw into the fan and issuing brand new shovels to all the gang."

Press Secretary Jay Carney advises that, "Everybody should do their best to enjoy the holidays, as China has implied that it might just pick up the U.S. cheap at a clearance sale after the first of the year."

Rating: 2.5/5 (138 votes cast)

MALALA VS. THE TWERK

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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While the shutdown of the U.S. government drags on, there was a brief distraction last week when this years Nobel Prizes were announced.

The coveted Peace Prize, often awarded to a world leader who forgot to start a war the previous year, went to a group that is trying to rid the world of chemical weapons. Most people agree that chemical weapons are probably a bad thing, but the sentimental favorite was a Pakistani girl named Malala Yousafzai. Sixteen-year-old Malala was shot in the face by the Talaban two years ago for trying to promote education for women in her country. continued »

Americans are baffled as to why a tiny, little, girl can stand up to vicious, Neanderthal, morons in Pakistan, when Speaker of the House John Boehner can't stand up to vicious, Neanderthal, morons in his own party. Reached for comment Speaker Boehner decried, "But they're mean, and we can't kick the gerrymandering so and sos out."

Recent polls show that Congress is still slightly more popular than the Taliban with most Americans, but analysts warn that, "The numbers are fluid and the Taliban is creeping up. We think that people appreciate that at least the Taliban is honest about wanting to destroy America. If the House of Representatives would just come clean, they might get a little boost."

In the hope of reaching a bi-partisan agreement on anything at all, Speaker Boehner has suggested that we give young Malala American citizenship and keep her here. "We could send Miley Cyrus over there. In the unlikely event that they find that resistible, I'd even be willing to throw in Paris Hilton to sweeten the deal. You know… their best for our best kind of thing."

A spokesman for Ms. Yousafzai explained that she has never heard of Cyrus or Hilton but that she stood firmly with the American people regarding their opinion of congress vis a vis the Taliban.

A Taliban spokesman explained, "At least no one has ever mentioned either Hilton or Cyrus, and education, in the same breath."

Rating: 2.7/5 (144 votes cast)

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