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FACEBLING DIPLOMACY

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Former Basketball personality Dennis Rodman landed in North Korea Tuesday for what is being hailed as a landmark in "whackjob" diplomacy. Korean stronglad Kim Jong Un clearly took a fancy to Rodman during his last baffling trip to that dark part of the world.
Dean Of Georgetown University's School for Foreign Policy, Wayne Bolton is upbeat, "They speak the same language…and I'm not talking about Korean."

Rodman, who is still recovering from a grotesque accident in which he stumbled and fell face first into a pirate's treasure chest, feels that he's the man to talk some sense into the young despot…"sense" being a relative term. Rodman gushed, "Dude, we'll shoot some hoops, talk some trash, you know…blowin stuff up, Carmen Electra…" continued »

While Kim hasn't been indulging in too much saber rattling lately, he did garner some attention last week when he had his ex girlfriend and some of her dance troupe colleagues executed by firing squad. Labeled an atrocity and met with horror by most of the western world, some womens' groups questioned how it would work vis a vis the, "what's good for the goose/gander" thing. Does one have to be male, Korean and a despot to pull off that kind of clean slate solution?

Details on this topic are vague as no one on planet Earth is particularly interested in asking Kim what was up with that sh*t?

Carmen Electra, Rodman's ex-wife, when reached for comment insisted that she and Dennis parted on, "excellent terms and if that twerp gives him any ideas there'll be one less Kim in Korea."

The State Department is understandably uneasy about the idea of an American sexpot shrieking over to Korea and ripping their leader's head off. However in an aside, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel was overheard whispering, "but then again."

Rating: 2.5/5 (128 votes cast)

TRUMP U. - DAMASCUS CAMPUS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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The field for the 2016 presidential election is currently being narrowed to candidates with… NO BRAINS AT ALL.

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) Director Randall Bing advised that, "Anyone who would actually want to be in the situation that President Obama is in now should immediately have his brain removed for study by future generations that will possess more advanced technology than we do." continued »

The civil war raging in Syria is the best example of a cosmically bad, no-win situation since our invasion of Iraq. Iraq, of course, was different… that was way back when some people thought they could believe what they were told by their leaders. There are different leaders now, but since no one has apologized for the fusillade of lies that got us into that situation, and no one has ever been held accountable for the death and cost of that fiasco, the American people can't be blamed for being a bit miffed.

Never one to miss an opportunity for a bit of grandstanding, Donald Trump is considering throwing his crown/toupee into the ring, "Syria could be a great place for a university and possibly a golf course. As president…" at that point Trump was drowned out by the cries of the camel he was sitting on.

Republican hopefuls are waiting to see how the extreme right feels about the situation. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie commented, "We think we know where Wayne LaPierre comes down on Syria, but we're waiting to see how people who feel that Americans should concentrate on shooting other Americans weigh in."

Hilary Clinton thinks that saving Syria from Syrians would be the honorable thing to do, "But I've been picking up all these sweet knitting magazines lately and it might be time for a hobby."

Republican lawmakers who were busy not attending the Martin Luther King 50th anniversary celebrations and only recently became aware of the situation were firm. "We're waiting to see what Putin does, since we all just want to do exactly the opposite of what Obama thinks is a good idea. I suspect we'll be squarely behind the homophobe, psycho," John Boehner speculated.

In a statement released by NIMH, Director Bing concluded, "Americans should really watch more porn and less news."

A cheer went up.

Rating: 2.5/5 (129 votes cast)

B.S.U.

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Boxer Mike Tyson has gone public regarding his battle with alcohol, while his old buddy Donald Trump has admitted to being a respected educator.
Sad as it is that a swell guy like Tyson is having that sort of problem, no one exactly keeled over in surprise at the announcement. People, including the Attorney general of New York State, were very surprised to find out that The Donald was so deeply into higher education.

Tyson and Trump had some kind of surreal bromance going on in the 80's. The only common thread anyone could find connecting the two was a mutual love of their own celebrity and a shared affection for bling. Tyson wore his bling and Trump built his. Anyone who has ever seen a building with the Trump name on it will be reminded of a little girl wearing all of her mommy's costume jewelry at once. continued »

The couple hasn't been spotted on the red carpet together in quite some time, one could speculate that perhaps Trump's latest wife likes to be around people who are as fluent in English as she is.

Trump "University" was established in 2005 to get people's money. The problem is that anyone dumb enough to give Donald Trump money doesn't need a university, they need to repeat second grade.

NY Attorney General Eric Schneiderman has brought a forty million dollar lawsuit against Trump for bilking and lying. People would cough up as much as thirty five thousand dollars for a cheesy motivational speech by some unqualified nobody and then get their picture taken with a cardboard cutout of Trump….much like the one of me and the Playmate of the Year 1965. People got as much gratification out of the cardboard Trump as I got out of the cardboard playmate.

Trump claims that Schneiderman is bitter because Trump didn't contribute enough to his election campaign. Trump contributed NOTHING to Senator Belfry's campaign and the Senator isn't bitter at all.

Rating: 2.6/5 (136 votes cast)

LONELY? TRY WIKIDATES

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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In a press release issued by the Kremlin today, Russian President Vladimir Putin was emphatic, "No way Jose, nyet, hit road Jack," in response to a suggestion that he might have given thought to political asylum for Bradley Manning. "There leakers and there leakers. I only interested in leakers I can sit down with, enjoy a brewski and talk about chicks… when he finish mowing lawn. Scalia would not take him either…do not kid self!"

The ever macho and ever homophobic Putin is clearly put off by Bradley Manning's announcement that he now wants to spend the rest of his life as a woman named Chelsea. "It not the name Chelsea I object to…it the "woman" thing," President Putin clarified.
Ms. Manning's announcement has put more than the Russian president in the fast lane to confusion. continued »

The liberal media was all set to award a lot of points to Manning for having manned up and admitted his wrongdoing and accepted his punishment. NPR"s Lawrence Jenkman explained, "It's the "manning up" phrase. Apparently it's no longer politically correct, particularly in the transgender community, we were just trying to give credit where credit was due."

Moscow watchers have observed that political refugee Edward Snowden has been under closer surveillance than usual. "They want to know who I'm dating. It's not an issue…no one wants to date the guy who's mowing Putin's lawn," Snowden lamented.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, was asked if he was planning on becoming a woman in a gesture of solidarity with Manning and responded, "That's classified and none of your business… what's wrong with you people?"

Asked if he still had confidence in Snowden, President Putin was vehement, "I see that guy in a tutu at the Bolshoi, he's on the first plane to Washington."

Rating: 2.6/5 (122 votes cast)

SEASONAL FUN

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Now that the Arab Spring has turned into a long, hot and nasty Arab Summer, we can look forward to an Arab Fall and if the season type metaphor can hang in there just a bit longer, an Arab Winter.

In Egypt, the Arab Spring began with the ouster of US backed strongman Hosni Mubarak and it was still spring when the Egyptian people elected Moslem Brotherhood candidate Mohamed Morsi president. Spring is when love is in the air…and bullets and things. continued »

Now I happen to think that Americans make the most colorful hypocrites but that's probably just national pride. There's a good-sized segment of our society that worries about the unborn. There's a tidal wave of popular culture that seems to be obsessed with the undead and there is a huge amount of people who don't give a rat's ass about the poor, sick and suffering who fall in between…but that's just us.

We don't have an exclusive on hypocrisy.

Egyptians wanted democracy and we thought, if we couldn't have a bought and paid for strongman, that it would be nice if Egypt were a democracy. The Egyptian military thought it wanted a democracy…then the wrong guy got elected.

The military fixed that and ousted Morsi creating a too hot for comfort Arab Summer,
demonstrating that they had learned a thing or two about hypocrisy from the best.

Slowly now it's easing into Arab Fall… Mubarak is getting out of jail. What will come of that is anyone's guess.

And then it will be Arab Winter.

The Moslem Brotherhood in Egypt along with a whole lot of the Arab world doesn't have any use for America and American values but they really like American money. Since we feel that problems can be dealt with by either withholding money or throwing tons of it at the thing, Arab Winter will undoubtedly include a bountiful Arab Christmas.

Rating: 2.6/5 (134 votes cast)

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