By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 2nd, 2010

Spring training is over for the local Nuthatches and the long-awaited return of the Three-A (Avian) League baseball season starts next week.

“It’s a tough division,” said veteran Nuthatch skipper Cecil “Sudsy” Audubon.

“You got your Wrens, your Tanagers, your Warblers, your Screech Owls, your Flickers, your Cormorants. Your Snowy Egrets are young but they could surprise some people.”

Fans of the Nuthatches would just as soon forget last season, which was marred by multiple arrests, the deportation of the team’s star shortstop, the disappearance of the team mascot and the unfortunate climax of “Nickel Beer Night.” continued »

“Water under the bridge,” said team owner Shelton “Red” Finch. “As you know, our third baseman is no longer seeing the pop star and we expect the grand jury will not return indictments in the poaching case. So let’s play ball!”

A sellout crowd is expected at Albatross Stadium for the home opener against the Warblers.

Rookie phenom Esteban “Lefty” Merganser, who pitched in the Pileated Woodpecker League last season, will start for the local nine and team announcer Billy Ray “Croak” Grackle is excited at the prospect.

“This bird has got it all,” said Grackle, beginning his 49th season in the broadcast nest for the Nuthatches.

“The fans are in for a treat, if it don’t rain, and the first 200 fledglings through the turnstiles, accompanied by an adult, will get a complimentary “I Survived Nickel Beer Night” T-shirt. Heck, it don’t get any better than that.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (173 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 1st, 2010

With the imminent premiere of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in theaters everywhere, we here at The Treetops Tattler see this as Nostradamus’s best kept "secret sign" for the end of the world.

Therefore, barricaded your domiciles, bury all your cash in the backyard, and hide your women in undisclosed locations, because the end of the world is most definitely nigh.

According to calculations made on a stolen iPad, The Treetops Tattler is 98.7 percent sure that the end of the world will come to pass at midnight. We are so confident of our information we aren't going to bother setting our alarm clocks for work tomorrow. It and we won't be here.

Of course, there IS a 1.3 percent chance that we're completely wrong about this… in which case, we take it all back. continued »

But, assuming we are correct, there are a few extremely irresponsible things we would really love to do before it's all over.

1. Require all members of Congress to breath helium while filibustering.

2. Start a religious cult that requires all worshipers to drop trou and moon Rush Limbaugh five times a day.

3. Set everyone's tax returns on fire with napalm.

4. Hack into the White House communications system and use the "red" phone in the oval office to call the leaders of China. Play the sounds of a dozen whoopee cushions going off simultaneously, followed by 30 seconds of electronically amplified "raspberries" played backwards.

5. And last but definitely not least, since the world is going to end anyway, enthusiastically support Sarah Palin for president in 2012.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (161 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 29th, 2010

The U.S. Bureau of Fun Facts estimates it will take the average person either 10 minutes or a week to 10 days to fill out this survey. Use a pen. With ink in it.

1) How many nights a week does your family watch “American Idol,” “Survivor” or that Donald Trump show? __

2) How many members of your family believe President Obama was born in another country? __ How many members of your family believe Hawaii is another country? __

3) How many times a week do members of your family go to the Walmart? __

For household items? __
For clothes? __
For food? __
For a social life? __

4) How many members of your family actually work at Walmart? __

5) Would you describe your family members as close knit? __
Heavily armed? __ Chronically obese? __ continued »

6) Is there someone in your household – not a blood relative - who is just really getting on your last nerve? __ Identify. _______

7) Who is cuter? Miley Cyrus __ or Taylor Swift __ C’mon. No waiting.

8) Should Tiger’s wife like totally bail on him for running around with those floozies or should she just hang in there and take the money or what? ______

9) How many members of your family think Jimmie Johnson wins too many NASCAR races? __ Has Dale Earnhardt Jr. been pretty much of a disappointment to you and your family? __

10) Coke Zero __ or Pepsi Free __? Taco Bell __ or Sonic __? Bud Light __ or Miller Light __? Domino’s __ or Papa John’s __?

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Rating: 2.4/5 (177 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 28th, 2010

As cubicled workers, office grunts, and supervisors alike are filling out their college basketball brackets, some see unfound potential in March Madness.

Spending hours filling out their NCAA Tournament brackets instead of working, CEOs of several Fortune 500 companies want to start using brackets to make crucial business decisions.

“If you look at the amount of time and effort my employees put into obsessing over who that dark horse team will be this year, using brackets for other decisions could be very effective”, said Goracon Co. President Jerry Kruppman.

“I love brackets - just yesterday, I was watching that Southwestern State-Woodsdale matchup, great game by the way, during that one meeting,” said distracted program assistant Milllard Gilman. continued »

Big companies are ambitious about these brackets, and plan to rely on them for issues including how to allocate the company budget, what corporate mergers to agree to, and where to go for the annual company trip.

“I brought up using brackets to decide who we should merge with at the meeting last week, but everyone was too busy obsessing over their Sweet Sixteen matchups to get the idea off the ground,” commented Kruppman.

The head honchos feel that the work ethic their employees take toward their college basketball brackets will carry over to choices that could change the global economy.

“The potential is definitely there,” said Harold Kraus III, head of Kraus Banking Associates, of the idea. “I think Buenos Aires might pull an upset over Cancun for the company trip next year.”

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Rating: 2.2/5 (140 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 24th, 2010

The Knucklehead Protection Agency (KPA) has declared the car title an endangered species as millions of Americans contemplating a steady diet of cat food sign up for car-titles loans.

“We saw the ads on TV,” said Jason the Z-Man, an unemployed pool cabana attendant in Apalachicola Springs, Fla.

“Man, you just take the old car title down to ‘CashFerNuthin’ at the mall and they give you the money. Cool.”

People with common sense – and their cars - point out that Jason will probably pay $375 a month for the $1500 he scored and after a year or so he’ll still owe the $1500. Then someone will come and take away the car.

“That was like never mentioned on TV or when I talked to the dude at the mall,” said Jason. “Seems pretty bogus.” continued »

Consumer advocates are concerned that some of our fellow citizens think the lenders just want to hang on to the car titles, not the cars.

“We certainly don’t want to hinder the fine men and woman doling out the easy money but some of us feel that interest rates of 250 percent may be a tad unreasonable,” said Congressman Orrin T. Foolsgold.

“These regulations will put us out of business,” said car-title loan industry spokesperson Ernie Madoff.

“If these pencil-neck bureaucrats tell us we can’t charge whatever interest rate we want, well, I know I don’t want to raise my children in a country like that.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (170 votes cast)