By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 7th, 2010

Professional tennis players from the small countries of the world, those ones you can’t even pronounce, all agree on one thing: the location of professional tennis tournaments needs to change.

Tournaments are currently held in a select group of European countries and the United States, and players from Tiwihita, Hebekistan, and Nuhara are joining together to form the Players for the Relocation of Tennis Tournaments (PRTT).

“I’m tired of hanging out in the same cities every year - Paris, New York, London - it’s time we go for more exotic locations,” said Nuharan tennis pro Ludwig Leddleton.

So where does the PRTT want to move the tournaments to? Well, they aren’t just looking for a simple change of country. continued »

“I say we try underwater tennis. Just throw on some scuba gear, and you’ve got a much more exciting game than the old, regular tennis,” remarked Yaroslav Wzelbecha, a player from Hezbekistan.

“I love the underwater idea - it’s definitely time to spice it up a bit,” responded Tiwihitan Togo Gafika, currently the 456th ranked tennis player in the world.

PRTT members also call for a change of location to make tournaments fairer by literally taking the crowd out of it. Representing the countries that nobody can find on a map, they believe that their big-country rivals have an advantage playing in their home countries.

“Getting booed at every event is really getting old,” commented Leddleton. “I think we should play on the moon. Zero gravity, space suits - it doesn’t get much better than that.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (154 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 4th, 2010

Auto industry executives are poised to replace the soon-to-disappear Hummer with a new model designed to reflect the current state of U.S. manufacturing – the Bummer.

The macho Hummer, introduced in 1992 with the backing of a certain heavily-accented actor-governor from the Left Coast, has gone to the big impound lot in the sky, with sales falling like approval ratings for Congress.

“We were looking for a replacement vehicle that might combine the waste and inefficiency of the Hummer with the lack of dependability of a Saab and the recall potential of the Toyota,” said auto industry consultant Edsall W. Brakeshaft.

The Hummer will be tough to match. It was too big to park, got about 12 miles per gallon, tore up highway surfaces and frightened your VWs and your minivans. continued »

“The cool thing is that because the Hummer was classified as a truck it skipped over a lot of those pesky safety regulations, like safety locks for kids and stability control,” said Brakeshaft.

“Stability control is for wimps,” said Gale Yaborough of the nonprofit Institute for Big Car Wrecks.

“The Hummer was originally designed to be driven near the Arctic Circle, so of course it was perfect for driving on I-95 in New Jersey.”

The Bummer will be less ambitious, auto experts say.

“Stuff will not work too well but it will be the small stuff,” said Brakeshaft. “The glove compartment won’t close, the tires will stay out of alignment – you’ll never get it through inspection the first time.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 1st, 2010

Thousands of kids are expected to mass outside a sprawling Cineplex in suburban Chicago next week to protest attacks on their favorite food – the hot dog.

“We like hot dogs,’ said group spokeskid Fenway Park, who is seven years old.

“We like them pretty much three times a day, usually with fries, and we don’t want some vegetable-eating grownups messing with our faves.”

A national medical organization has called for a redesign of the hot dog to protect against accidents while ingesting the encased meat product, which was invented in Germany (frankfurter) or in Austria (wiener) or in Coney Island N.Y. in 1870 or at the World’s Fair in Chicago in 1893. continued »

“Don’t care,” said Fenway’s little sister, Tiffany, clutching a juice box. “If there aren’t any hot dogs when we go to the movies or the mall or the beach, well, let’s just say Mom and Dad won’t get a moment’s peace.”

Parents are taking the threats to their peace and quiet seriously. There’s little doubt hot dogs are wildly popular with the younger set.

“Sophisticated market research tells us that we sell like a gazillion hot dogs every week,” said a spokeswoman for a sausage organization in New York City with a really long name.

“We don’t ask for much,” said Fenway Park. “A few video games, a big screen TV, a cool phone when we get a little older, maybe a puppy. But we have our limits. Don’t mess with the hot dogs.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 25th, 2010

Eva Langourous, a well-educated mother of two in McLean Va., is furious about the recall of the Amish built fireplace mantle she purchased after seeing it advertised in a Sunday newspaper magazine supplement.

“It looked so warm and cozy in the paper,” said Langourous, who bought a second heater for her beach house.

“It’s not like we bought a Japanese car or a killer baby stroller,” she said. “I mean, it’s Amish. It’s like hearing about a fudge recall.”

Problems with the electric space heaters came as a shock to thousands of upper-middle class Americans who didn’t know they had bought an electric space heater.

“It looked so wood stove-y,” Ms. Langourous complained. “It has that wonderful fireplace glow." continued »

“My husband and I didn’t care where the glow came from because we didn’t have to bother with a pesky chimney or vents or smoke or, like, wood.”

In Amish country, everyone was having a good chuckle over a cup of traditional Meadow tea.

“It’s a traditional Amish construction if you buy the idea that there are Amish people building electric space heaters in China,” said an Amish craftsman identified only as Zebediah.

Zebediah noted that traditional Amish people do not use electricity and most heat their homes with wood-burning cast-iron stoves or propane.

“If you want to buy something Amish that will keep you warm,” said Zebediah, “try buying a quilt.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 22nd, 2010

Some Members of Congress - but not many – are protesting an attempt by the banking industry to have all adult Americans wear their credit score numbers on their persons at all times.

“We think that Shaquille O’Neal has established the importance of the credit score for most Americans and we just want to take it to the next level,” said Casper W. Bayleout, a spokesperson for the bankers.

Bayleout said a few rounds of fresh campaign contributions would quiet congressional naysayers.

Under the new system, Americans would be given a handsome red, white and blue badge emblazoned with their credit score from one of the three main reporting agencies.

“We were batting this idea around back when we were counting all the money we got from the government rescue last year,” said Bayleout. continued »

“Let’s face it, most Americans have about a gazillion dollars in credit card debt and we want them to be responsible, which is pretty funny when you think about it. I mean, we were about as responsible as a plague of locusts and we’re doing fine.”

The credit report system is scientifically designed to raise consumer blood pressure while protecting the backsides of mortgage lenders, landlords, car dealers, insurance companies and people who sell you bedroom sets that you will never finish paying for.

“It’s super,” said Bayleout. “People who watch those three teenage morons playing guitars on the TV commercials think the credit report folks work for them. It’s hilarious.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (151 votes cast)