By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 18th, 2010

Looking forward to the next Winter Games, the International Olympic Federation Advisory Panel on Making Up Snowy Sports (IOFAPMUSS) is planning to offer new events where international competitors shovel out their cars from under crippling snowstorms.

“We’re darned excited about it,’ said Panel spokesperson Sven Schusser.

“The fact that millions of Americans are digging out of various blizzards while curling teams are ramping up the excitement in Vancouver got us thinking.

“As we see it now, the competitors will be required to dig a recalled Toyota Camry out of six feet of snow. OK, two meters of snow. In the team competition, it’ll be a recalled Toyota Highlander SUV.”

Schusser said he expected the Japanese automakers would be willing to donate the recalled vehicles to the next Winter Games in Russia: continued »

“We think this kind of event will appeal to real people, people who might be a little confused by your biathlon, your moguls and half pipe, your ice dancing. Why not digging out the car?”

Anthony “Big Mittens” Incantaloupo, a city sanitation department worker from the Northwest Side of Chicago, says he’s excited about the prospect of bringing home Olympic gold.

“What the heck,” he said. “In Chicago we’re shoveling the car out between October and the baseball season anyway.”

“Big Mittens” says he and his brother, Phil, plan to chase their Olympic dream.

“And we can show those Russians and Canadians a few things about moving the snow,” he said.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (166 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 15th, 2010

Parents and children in Rumandcoke, Utah discovered this week that their new library and community-learning center has no books.

“It’s the latest thing,” said Rumandcoke School Board President Orrin B. Lackberry. “The whole book thing is very Dewey Decimal System, isn’t it?

“Here at the new Learning Center we got a cyber-center. We got an outreach center. We got a cross-cultural center. Books on tape? Oh, yeah. Everything is wireless – not a darn wire in the whole place.

“We had some actual books over there in the Kids’ Corner but they seemed to get in the way of the video games and the kids watching Curious George, so we put ‘em in storage.” continued »

Educators say the bookless library ends the logistical nightmare of people borrowing books and date-stamping them, taking them home and not returning them until Grandpa passes away.

“It’s a wonderful life,” said Rumandcoke Senior Database Manager Mary Hatch Bailey. “Everything gets run through a scanner, just like at Home Depot.

“We did have a few old crankypants types in here looking for books but we feel like they’ll get with the program. I mean, why read a book when you can have Brooke Shields or Weird Al Yankovic read it to you?”

Mr. Lackberry said those holding actual books from the old library will have until Memorial Day to return them or be fined 29 cents.

“We did have that one book first week we opened,” said Lackberry. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ I think it was called. Somebody stole it.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 12th, 2010

Officials planning for Super Bowl XLV next year in Texas say they are facing a shortage of aging, doddering rock bands to perform at the halftime show.

“We may have hit rock bottom, so to speak, with The Who this year in Miami,” said Super Bowl consultant Ryan Piecrust. “Let’s face it, they looked like the cast of ‘Cocoon.’”

In the early days Super Bowl halftimes featured college marching bands, the toothy, star-spangled Up with People troupe and, one year, Mickey Rooney. But in the last 20 years the search has been on for bands that may appeal to creaky Baby Boomers.

“Bruce Springsteen didn’t have his best night at the Super Bowl,” said Piecrust, “and the Rolling Stones, well, some people said they looked like drunk old women.” continued »

The annual search for a legendary halftime band has produced, among others, Sir Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Aerosmith, Michael Jackson, Sting, Diana Ross, the Miami Sound Machine, ‘N Sync, P Diddy, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, No Doubt, New Kids on the Block and Janet Jackson, with Justin Timberlake.

“Remember Shania Twain?” asked Piecrust. “Really. Shania Twain. Super Bowl XXXVII in San Diego.

“Now we’re taking another look at Styx, Blur Oyster Cult, Electric Light Orchestra, maybe Grand Funk Railroad. Some of the newer bands are just as bad without ever being good, but, hey, we have a tradition.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 9th, 2010

In his first interview since arriving in China, celebrity giant panda Tai Shan told the Panda News Network (PNN) that he had enjoyed his stay in the United States but found the people confusing.

“They’re nice and all, but kind of crazy,” the four-year-old ailuropoda melanoleuca said. “Apparently every one of them owns a camera phone and they just about drove me nuts in the panda enclosure.”

Tai Shan, who will be living at the Panda Breeding Base, said he found many of the American children at the National Zoo loud and unruly.

“Screaming and yelling, throwing stuff when I was trying to catch a little nap in the tree, that kind of thing,” he said.

“It got old. I tried to talk to the handlers but, hey, we were moving the panda T-shirts and the slurpy cups. Business is business.” continued »

The panda said he had to adjust to the mysterious ways of the locals.

“They’re freaked out by snowstorms, makes them crazy,” he said. “And some football team called the Washington Redskins. They go on and on about them.”

Tai Shan had kind words for his American handlers but said he could never get them to stop giving him huge frozen popsicles made of fruits and vegetables.

“I think it was a language problem,’ he said. “The ice, man, it was killing my teeth. I mean, pandas live in the jungle. Hello.”

As for the future, Tai Shan is a key player in China’s panda breeding program.

“Hey, someone has to do it,” he said.

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