Our source further disclosed that while scrambling to trace the origin of these bugs, White House Security uncovered an even more startling revelation. Bo started life as a Russian Wolfhound.

The Tattler has learned that, prior to his adoption, Bo underwent radical cosmetic surgery, neural enhancements and special operative training which included the latest in canine martial arts, intense, in-depth language studies, and extremely advanced mathematics.

It is believed that Bo can understand and speak 53 feline dialects including those spoken by Persian, Maine Coon, Brooklyn Wooley, Burmilla Longhair, Sphynxamese, and Tonkinese cats. Bo also speaks fluent "dog" which is, of course, universal throughout the world. Woof.

How Bo will use his math skills is yet unclear but speculation persists that his mission may include international-level canine/feline diplomatic negotiations.

Could Bo be the dog who does the impossible? Could he bring an end to the state of war that has existed between cats and dogs for more than 6000 years?

Or could Bo be planning to use his enormous mathematical intellect to create a quantum state where cats are neither alive or dead? Just in a box someplace where they can't bother anybody?

Only time will tell.

However, some say this is about more than just increasing efficiency among senators and congressmen. According to an anonymous congressional aide, the recent development is actually about nothing more than, “political handlers finding an effective alternative to certain elected officials’ crushing inability to regurgitate formed sentences. I mean, seriously? Did you ever listen to Jimmy Carter talk? Or John Boehner, for that matter?”

He went on to say, “Also, it just makes things way easier on the ears of the speechwriter. I mean, I’ve always dreamt of the day that Daniel Day-Lewis would powerfully utter my written words.”

The trend has been sweeping the American political landscape. Yesterday, Mitt Romney hired Gary Busey as his official “oratory-communicator.” Three weeks ago, Nancy Pelosi hired Brigitte Anne-Marie Bardot. Joe Biden hired Brooke Shields last month. Scott Brown just hired Rob Lowe. And Arnold Schwarzenegger recently hired Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In related entertainment news, video of actors delivering such addresses and speeches is now eligible for submission for Academy Award consideration.

“At this point, going into the big box store for a few items is like driving drunk at the Indy 500.”

O’Doom noted that her favorite nail polish had recently been recalled and that scary scenarios abound:

“So you’re on your laptop eating a hamburger, drinking diet soda. You could be oh-for-three, my friend.

“Chances are good the laptop will catch fire while the ground beef is making you sick and as for the diet soda, well, the less said about coliform bacteria, the better.”

Members of Congress are concerned about recalls of baby strollers and toxic Santa costumes. But the latest call to action came after a recent multi-state recall of 1.24 million pounds of salami. Really.

“I myself enjoy salami,” said Congressman Warranty. “Maybe not so much now.”

Some of those frequently discussed conditions include:
Dry eye, dry mouth, dry skin, dry scalp, hair and eyelash fallout, halitosis, sore feet, insomnia, gout, fatigue, chills, back pain, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, hives, sudden ugly mood swings, drowsiness, constipation, blurred vision, swelling of face and lips, agitation, hallucinations, flatulence, runny nose, sore gums, restless leg syndrome, jaundice, sinus pain, increased hunger and/or thirst, rapid weight gain.

“We’re not done,” said Dr. Cookay.

“There’s dehydration, boils, shin splints, impetigo, dandruff, heartburn, incontinence, memory loss, athlete’s foot, skin rash, bursitis, swollen ankles, age spots, frostbite, wheezing, tennis elbow, bunions, sore throat, ingrown toenails, the heartbreak of psoriasis, lethargy, waxy ears, patchy loss of skin color, hypothermia, male pattern baldness, stunted growth, hay fever, and sterility.

“Did I mention skin rash?”

“Ice hockey, now that’s a sport,’ said Conan O’Connemara, owner of Cheese Pucks, the largest sports bar in Philadelphia.

“The rest of that Olympic stuff, your curling, your ice dancing, your biathlon. Please. We got 213 flat screen TVs in our joint.

“If our customers can’t see some Russians getting beaten up on the ice or a guy from Norway getting killed on the ski jump, well, we’re switching back to NBA basketball.”

Half-Piper Falldown remains concerned about Vancouver logistics:

“Some dude told me they’ve got a place in Canada – Montreal, I think - where they want everybody to speak French and have like an attitude about it. Whoa. Why are we doing the Olympic thing up there, man?