By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 19th, 2010

With a Devil’s cavalcade of tea-bagger-centric conservatism, Capitol Dome heckling that would make a Buffalo Bills fan blush, and wet-fingered House Democrats uneasy about any reconciliation process, the Obama White House is forging a compromise on health care the only way it knows how: gambling.

In a recent Twitter-ready press release, the Obama administration has reaffirmed their support for affordable government-sponsored health care:

“In an effort to end the legislative convolution and media maelstrom, the Democrats are going to scrap their existing health care bill. Instead, we're gonna keep it simple: President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden will personally pay for the medical expense of anyone who can beat them at either a game of black jack or in a staring contest, whichever is preferred by the citizen.” continued »

The new executive order and national wager has attracted clamorous jeers from reactionary politicos and pundits who claim that the new proposal is, “just another road to socialist tyranny... Vegas style.”
Ever-popular Fox News and radio swine-mandrill Glenn Beck had this to say:

“I want specific assurances that my tax dollars won’t be going to alleviate the prostate spasms of Obama’s lawn trimmer just because the guy was able to out-gamble our Kenyan commander in chief by doubling down!”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel issued a response to Beck’s right-wing squawking. In accordance with FCC rules and regulations, Emanuel’s retort can only appear in print in the following form: &#$@ that ****!!!

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Rating: 2.4/5 (176 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 17th, 2010

Next year’s Academy Awards will feature a popular new category, one sure to delight animal lovers and Internet surfers of all persuasions.

The newest Oscar will be awarded for the Best Precious & Adorable Animal Video.

“These are the films of the people,” said Jean-Claude Sinema, curator of the Cinematique du Baby Raccoons in Culver City, CA. “I mean, how many times can they remake “The Bourne Identity?”

Connoisseurs of the videos point to the enduring popularity of the one where the baby ducks are playing with the coyote, or the one where the baby deer is sleeping on the hood of the car, or the one where the hedgehog is coming in through the doggy door in the kitchen.

“Classics,” said amateur filmmaker Cecil Bedamille. continued »

“”The Hurt Locker” is a fine film, but what about “Sneezing Panda?” What about “Otters Holding Hands?” “What about “Ocelot Adopts Baby Hamster” or “Drunk Moose in Driveway?’

Although the Academy Awards are nearly a year away, early favorites for the inaugural Oscar include “Skateboarding Bunny,” “Grizzly Bear Drinks Coffee” and “Mountain Lion Nurses German Shepherd Puppy.”

The U.S. Bureau of Counting Important Stuff estimates that viewing of You Tube videos devoted to animal cuteness accounts for 29 percent of annual productivity loss in the workplace.

“It’s right behind texting and, this time of year, filling out brackets for the NCAA basketball tournament,” said federal accountant Tommy “Fingers” Fingers.

“I’m no movie critic but I like the one where the duck chases the big longhorn steer. Cracks me up.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (170 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 13th, 2010

This week the CEO of a big ‘ol company that owns a whole bunch of newspapers and radio stations in the Great Midwest released a list of words and phrases he says he doesn’t want to hear on his flagship radio station any more.

The banned list, revealed on a day when there was actual news being committed, includes “campaign trail,” “sources say,” “vehicle,” “aftermath,” “reportedly,” “incarcerated” and “shots rang out.”

Reaction from the comic strip industry was immediate. Elmer F. Muttanjeff, Chief Whiteout Officer (CWO) for the Institute of Cartoon Correctness (ICC), said the times are changing. continued »

“We’ve given this little or no thought but we’re taking action,” said Muttanjeff, who wears a bowler hat, has big floppy ears and owns a talking aardvark.

“In the future, artists of the funny papers will be required to avoid the use of the terms “Argghh!” “Snap!” “Pow!” (also “Kapow!” and “Kerpow!”) “Zoom!” “Rrring!” (as in the telephone) and “Horsefeathers!”

Muttanjeff said the industry is taking a hard look at “Whoomp!” “Whoosh!” “Swoosh!” “Sluurrp!” “Zap!” as well as “Smack!” and “Smooch!” (as in kiss).

“And the days of the “Zzzzz” to indicate that the dopey husband is asleep are over, my friend,” he said.

Other changes may be on the way. Muttanjeff says a National ‘Toon Task Force is examining the role of dinosaurs running lemonade stands, housewives opening the door for husbands returning home from work and even coyotes plunging off cliffs.

“Splat!”

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Rating: 2.5/5 (165 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 11th, 2010

The big dogs are off the porch after the victory by Sadie the Scottish terrier in the recent Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York City.

Larger breeds say they are mad enough to eat Christmas tree ornaments and are demanding their own national event in the wake of yet another triumph by a pooch no bigger than a half gallon of ice cream.

“Every year it’s the same thing,” said group spokesdog Roofus, a 125-pound bloodhound.

“We win our groups then some old lady in a blue dress gives the big prize to some itsy-bitsy Pomeranian or awful little Shih Tzu. Quite frankly, we big dogs have had it.”

Sources say resentment has been building for dog years among your Great Danes, your Bernese Mountain Dogs, your Rhodesian Ridgebacks, your Irish wolfhounds and other breeds the size of small ponies. continued »

“We were supposed to get all lathered up when that beagle won best in show a couple of years ago,” said Hooker, a Siberian Husky.

“I mean, he was a nice dog and all but he could still hide behind my water bowl. It’s sizeism, pure and simple.”

“We’re not asking for much,” said Fridge, a Mastiff with a head the size of a bar stool. “Just give us our own show with no yappy little dogs who look like sponges. In our show, the dogs have to be big enough to take up the whole back seat in the minivan.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (161 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Mar. 8th, 2010

Pizza industry officials acknowledge that the ferocious competition among pizza chains for shares of the $30 billion market has led to a growing revenue crisis.

“Turns out we’ve been giving the darn things away,” said Leonard Foccacio, a spokesman for the Guido Pizza Institute in Boonton, New Jersey.

“Frankly we got a little carried away with the two-for-one and three-for-one and the extra toppings and the free hot wings and the cinnamon rolls and the two-liter freebie of soda pop.”

Weary, bloated Americans have endured hours of TV ads assuring them they could get two Small pizzas with every Large pizza, free breadsticks with an Extra Large, free garlic fingers with every four-topping “Specialty” pizza and a bundle of cheese sticks and a discount coupon with every “Ultimate” pie. continued »

“By the time the Winter Olympics were over, our research showed that 17 percent of Americans believed the head of the company would bring the pizza to their house,” said Foccacio.

The annual “Stuffed Crusts” report issued by the Guido Pizza Institute indicates that there are roughly 70,000 pizza outlets in the U.S. The study shows that every man, woman and child consumes an average of 46 pizza slices per year and that 82% of those asked believe the pizza in their home town was better.

“Looks like we’ve been giving our customers about $12 worth of fat and cholesterol for every $10 we charge them,” Foccacio said. “You can do that in Washington, but not with fast food.”

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