By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 22nd, 2010

The billion-dollar box-office response to the blockbuster sci-fi adventure movie “Avatar” has film industry moguls talking about a change at the Academy Awards.

In the future, it appears the annual awards will be given in two categories: films with blue people in them and films with just regular people in them.

“Some people, mostly older people, are always going to want to look at Brad Pitt and Halle Berry and that’s fine,” said 17-year-old film blogger Todd Mezzanine.

Mezzanine predicts that Hollywood, Bollywood, the independent film community, HBO and even Woody Allen will soon climb aboard the blue bandwagon.

“You may think that human beings are as interesting as blue-skinned sapient humanoids from the moon Pandora near the planet Polyphemus but you would be, like, wrong,” he said. continued »

Critics believe that Disney and animated films are in the best position to exploit the new blue standards, though it seems unlikely a new “Simpsons” movie will be produced, since the Simpsons are yellow.

“We don’t want to ignore the old fashioned movies without blue people,” said one Hollywood source. “Some of them are good. But, really, once you’ve seen ‘Avatar’ and the Na’vi people, who needs Julia Roberts?”

“Ze blue people, zey are fantastique,” said distinguished French film critic Pierre LeDucats. “Ze real human beings, zey are so boring, no? One day all ze films will be made with ze blue people.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (184 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 19th, 2010

After over two centuries of formal attire consisting of post-colonial dandy chic and cheap pinstripes, the Senate yesterday instated a required dress code policy of “Casual Fridays” for all present senators.

“With health care, two wars, overseeing relief efforts in Haiti, a global fight against terror, and quietly expanding warrantless wiretapping, stressing us out to the hilt, we now see it as an imperative to finally say ‘yes’ to government sanctioned casual wear in the Capitol Dome,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “We think we’ll get more done if we’re basking in the many advantages of clothing comforts. At the very least, it will surely make C-SPAN coverage easier on the eyes.” continued »

And in a recent Gallup poll, all eight American viewers of C-SPAN decidedly gave a “thumbs up” response to the recent implementation of Senate Casual Fridays.
Viewers particularly applauded C-SPAN's coverage of the latest convening of the armed services sub-committee, which showed the noticeably ebullient politicians decked-out in their varicolored Hawaiian wear, sombrero-esque beer helmets, and Don Johnson-style pastel.

However, in dissenting opinion, many in the press have taken to bashing the one-day-a-week suspension of uniformity. In a recent post for Talking Points Memo, veteran curmudgeon, muckraker Seymour Philips had this to say:
“Looks more like Casual FRUMP-days than anything I’ve ever seen before. The last thing I’ve ever wanted to get from my elected officials are views of mismatched week-old socks peaking through vintage huarache sandals.”

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Rating: 2.2/5 (172 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 18th, 2010

The decision to sell smaller, easier-to-swallow multivitamin tablets to America’s aging Baby Boomers has advertisers and consumer marketers thinking big – and small.

“Centrum Silver” is talking up its smaller tablet for the 50+ crowd and the message is being heard on Madison Ave, and elsewhere.

“These geezers need everything re-sized,” says Trisha von Ricecakes, a best-selling Manhattan trend spotter. “Smaller cars, bigger pants, smaller portions at dinner, bigger print to read the Wall Street Journal. The list goes on.

“Take Baby Boomer men. They want big pickup trucks, bigger flat screens and smaller cell phones. The phones get any smaller and these old guys are going to start swallowing them.” continued »

Looking at the success of the “Silver” vitamin model, consumer experts note that over the years no generation has been pandered to more than the Baby Boomers.

“Remember ‘The New Coke?” asked Ricecakes. “The Boomers went nuts and it was like a revolution. Ever watch ’60 Minutes’? Every ad is for Boomers getting older. Hair loss, love life, insurance, take a cruise, what to do about Grandpa.”

“Most of these old people – some of them are nearly 60! – didn’t even know they couldn’t swallow the bigger vitamin pills,” said Todd Snarky, who heads up the Whiny Association of Gen-Xers (WAG).

Snarky, 31, says its time for society to stop sucking up to Baby Boomers, who just get on his nerves.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (183 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 14th, 2010

As the annual tax season nears, officials at the Internal Revenue Service are considering sending corporate gift cards to million of Americans as a form of tax refund.

“We’ve got like millions of checks to cut,” said Wilhelmina “Willie” Sutton, a financial adviser who consults with the IRS. “People get impatient waiting for that check.

“You got your check cashing problems and your snail mails and your banking bureaucracy. How about we just send people a card for Staples or WalMart or one of the other Big Box stores?”

Millions of Americans who get refunds have the money automatically deposited in their bank accounts.

“What’s the fun in that?” asks Gordon Grandguy, Senior Vice President for Moving Money Around at Big Purple Barney, a financial services company. continued »

“You send them a nice gift card for Jiffy Lube or Bed Bath and Beyond or Outback Steak House and they plug the money right back into the economy. Maybe use it for the latest video game for the kid. It’s a win-win, babe.”

Government accountants are said to be in negotiations with hundreds of consumer-product companies to make the gift card program a reality.

Program names being considered include “Refund Rollover,” “Tax Time Treats” and “W-9 – It’s All Mine.”

“Hey, the Christmas season wasn’t all that great for a lot of these department stores and home-supply outlets,” said Grandguy. “Why wouldn’t they play ball?”

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Rating: 2.2/5 (176 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 11th, 2010

Casino hostesses, pancake house waitresses, nightclub managers, party planners, Hooters alumni and lingerie models of all descriptions have banded together to protest being “stereotyped” in the ongoing Tiger Woods imbroglio.

“There’s nothing funny about working in a pancake house and trying to meet a nice guy,” said Amber Smithwicks, a resort greeter from South Florida who is organizing a protest at this year’s U.S. Open golf tournament.

“A nice looking young man comes into your place, well, you’re supposed to be hospitable, aren’t you?”

Smithwicks and her roommate, Bambi St. Pauli, complain that the news media has caused them emotional distress by portraying young women in the hospitality industry as too interested in meeting and greeting celebrities. continued »

“It’s not like we throw ourselves at every rich guy that steps out of a limo,” said St.Pauli, a former assistant manager at Knickers Hot Lunch and part-time actress.

“It’s true we get the chance to meet any number of professional athletes, distinguished elected officials and Internet millionaires. I myself have socialized with a number of lottery winners from Nebraska and Delaware. Hey, it comes with the territory.”

Social commentators have noted a current tendency for wealthy male celebrities to spend time with young woman named Krystal, Dawn, Ginger, Nikki, Cheyenne, Asia, Jasmine, Destiny, Cinnamon, Lexi, Jaymee, Summer, Brandy, Diamond, Mercedes, Candace, Jade, Kendra and Peaches.

“That is like a total coincidence,” said Amber Smithwicks. “ I don’t work with any girls named Peaches.

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Rating: 2.2/5 (183 votes cast)