Who's to blame?

On the root cause of the financial system's malady, the limping economy had this to say: "Personally, I blame general political torpor, Wall Street cowboys, unscented laundry detergent and fat-cat single hockey moms."

The economy also mentioned that this "affliction" has manifested itself not only as physical agony, but as psychological pain, as well, adding, "I've developed a horrifying fear of orange rectangles."

Neville Wainscotting, Royal High Commissioner of Human Existence and End of Life Disposal, cited the Queen's excessive age as the sole reason for the impending termination. "Her Majesty lived a full life and oversaw a period of prosperity unrivaled in England's history. We regret taking this step, but know its what she would have wanted, because of her deep respect for the actions of Parliament."

English law, under their universal health care system, allows no subject to live "in excess of eighty years, or at an expense of over thirty-thousand pounds sterling, whichever the subject shall arrive at first." The passing of "The Rubicon of Life Act" as it is known, has saved the English taxpayer millions of pounds in unnecessary public health expenses.

In 2005, the Queen was given a special stay of execution by Parliament to allow her to live for a few more years, and arrange her affairs "as necessitated by Her Majesty's high station." Unfortunately, her vitality proved to be vital to her demise.

"We had all hoped nature would have run its course before this time would come," Wainscotting said, "Unfortunately, the old bird hung on for a bit too long, and the state was forced to intervene as it has so many times in the past. Certainly she was the Queen of England, but we no longer live in a time of absolute monarchy thanks in no small part to the actions of Her Majesty while she was alive."

Due to the inherent compromised quality of government-run health care, the Queen's pragmatic execution is to be carried out by noted English veterinarian Arthur Windrop, an Oxford greenhorn from the quaint Dorset countryside.

"The Queen will, of course, receive a painless, efficient death... much like the one I administered to that horse that starred in Black Beauty," said Windrop.

The morning after the deed is done, Union Jacks are to be flown at half-staff across the Commonwealth. A stirring rendition of "God Save the Queen" will be played while mourners fill Westminster Abbey to hear a touching eulogy, to be delivered by Prince Philip, Her Majesty's longtime companion, due for his own termination in late November.

Coronation ceremonies for Prince Charles of Wales, heir to the throne, will take place later next week. His Majesty's time on the throne will not exceed 19 years, as he will then be due for his own euthanization.