Except for one teeny weeny little problem. As it turns out, the rest of the world HATES Monopoly. 

This unanticipated economic twist has caused a bit of concern at the top levels of government since it now appears that The Fed has to play Monopoly all by itself which is, of course, the very definition of Solitaire.

“One’s romantic life is like a box of chocolates... if you’re really, really, really allergic to chocolate,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “It’s just not American for the government to stand by and let certain frumps go on first dates with certain night traders. The online dating network has been more like ‘eHARM” since it’s introduction into the tubes of the World Wide Web. It’s like Craigslist, but with TV commercials.”           

In a surprising twist, Rudy Giuliani jumped at the opportunity to stand up for the proposed legislation, as well. “In a post-9/11 world, we can’t afford not to have eHarmony nationalized,” said Giuliani to The Treetops Tattler. “With every mismanaged couple, Al Qaeda wins.”

“We’re talking to a guy who played a limo driver in three episodes of The Sopranos and an actress who had a recurring role on Law & Order - Criminal Intent a few years back,” said Wilshire.

“We’re at rock bottom and it doesn’t look good on us. Anyone got Brigitte Nielsen’s phone number?”

These days, bookers are willing to look anywhere, including the world of politics.

“Tom Delay was pretty good on Dancing until he broke a heel,” said one Left Coast booker. “But we just got turned down by an ex-Lieutenant Governor of Oregon and Nancy Pelosi’s personal trainer. And we can’t find Bill Clinton’s brother, Roger.”

The booker said they were following up with a former quarterback for the Winnipeg Jets in the Canadian Football League, members of the cast of 21 Jump Street and the guy who played Joey on Friends.”

“Oh, for the days of Tonya Harding, Todd Bridges, Leif Garrett and the dark-haired chick from Three’s Company”, she said. “Those were the Golden Age of has-beens.”

The Mayans, who are still considered the greatest celestial timekeepers the world has ever known, weren't downplaying the end of the world, they were just totally bummed out when they realized that there would apparently be no Oprah Show beyond 2011. Once this depressing concept sunk in, they saw no point to keeping their calendar going. They finally gave up altogether upon reaching December 23, 2012, not from lack of prognostication, but from heartbreak.

A world without Oprah?

Do not despair! Things are not as dire as the seem!

A source, close to the sister-in-law of a woman who once saw Oprah in person in a New York deli, reveals that Oprah will soon be starting her own planet. You heard right. Her own PLANET.

Planet Harpo will be right next door to Earth, complete with all the good things from the old planet PLUS, you guessed it, Oprah!

We, at The Tattler, are beside ourselves with joy and anticipation!

Stay tuned to Treetops-Tattler.com for more Oprah updates. We plan to stay on this story until the end of time.

As for the cell tower radiation, "I could find my way home with one wing tied behind my back, no problem. It's just that we can actually hear the conversations and they're so inane. Can you say drone? It's enough to make you want to sting your own tympanic membranes. Some of us are just trying to find a quiet place to chill."

"Have you ever tried to pollinate a genetically modified flower? NO? I didn't think so. Think having a passionate conversation about sports (or any subject) with Henry Kissinger. - Insanity with a german accent! Those scientists are messing with some really crazy sh*t. Our moral codes dictate a higher order of nature and we're just tired of propagating a lie."

A dirty little bee industry secret is the enslavement and forced migration of thousands of colonies around the US. "We never get paid, rarely get a day off, and if we do, we're on the road again. It can be a new orchard every week or so. We miss the seasons."

"Colony collapse disorder? I suppose, to the tiny self-centered mind of a human, sure. But, we like to consider it a 'worker bee revolt' against unsustainable conditions and total lack of reimbursement."