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DON’T GET SICK

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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The rocky rollout of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) continues on its rocky road.

This is the only thing currently bringing any joy to its opponents, who seem to have trouble winning elections despite their firm belief that each and every American is squarely behind them. We all know how fickle each and every American is.

The people who hate Obamacare hate it because it smacks of socialism. They want the government out of your private business…unless of course, you have female reproductive organs; they're everyones' business.

Opponents to Obamacare don't want the government in the insurance business. The insurance business doesn't want the government in the insurance business. continued »

Insurance is big business, big money. Insurance companies do two things. They spend piles of money advertising in an effort to get you to but their product. Once you do, it means paying them money every single month till the end of your life. If you miss a payment, they dump you. They've never paid you anything, and now they never will, but they get to keep all the money you've already sent them. Good deal. How do I get millions of people to send me money every month?

The other thing they do is to apply every resource available to avoid paying you when you do have a claim…there's lots of fine print in an insurance policy.

Insurance companies buy politicians, oops… I mean lobby politicians, to make sure the government stays out of their business.

The thing is if the government got in to the insurance business it MIGHT deliver what you paid for.

Also, if the government was making some of that yummy insurance money, they could use it to pay for those arbitrary and unnecessary wars we keep getting into.

War is good for business… ask Halliburton.

So people who hate Obamacare might want to weigh the downside of their insurance company buddies losing some money, with the upside of the government making some money (something I hear the government needs) and someone who's house is swept away in a flood getting compensated, instead of being told to take a hike because it was the rain and not a flood that sent their house downstream.

Rating: 2.4/5 (134 votes cast)

FUN UP NORTH

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Okay, it's official; we don't get to look down at corrupt, weasel politicians in developing nations any more.

It's been a good ride, being self-delusional and supercilious. One of the best parts of thinking that we were superior was that "we" meant us, the U.S., and places like Canada and most of Europe that, face it, Americans think of as just being parts of the United States that you need a passport to enter.

American politicians have been putting forth a valiant effort to be as low rent and sleazy as the worst of their third world counterparts for years now but, unbelievably, Canada (that large, cold state to the north) seems to have nosed us out for the time being. continued »

Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, has admitted to using crack cocaine. He admitted this because a video of him doing so has surfaced. Technology is a wonderful thing. Everyone has a camera with them at all times and anyone can whip it out and capture that spectacular sunset, beautiful sunrise or…..well…Rob.

Rob has blamed his crack smoking on being drunk. I'm going to have to get a lot of crack and booze into myself before doing one really dumb thing is a logical defense for doing another really dumb thing. If I had any political aspirations I'd try, but I don't, so no crack and booze combos for me.

While being drunk is no excuse for smoking crack, being drunk and high on crack may be an excellent defense for some really bad political decisions. This is a defense our leaders in Washington haven't thought of…yet. It would be refreshing if the folks who allowed the government to be shut down would get up in front of microphones and say, "Look, I'm sorry, I was really, really high."

I'm not willing to put too much dough on that eventuality.

But they might as well. And someone might want to mention to Rob Ford in case his career in Canadian politics is over that he could always immigrate to the U.S., get naturalized and run for office here.

Here, you can get busted drunk, high on crack and lying on top of a hooker, and still think you get to run for office again in two or three years.

Hey, no one's perfect.

Rating: 2.7/5 (149 votes cast)

WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT?

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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What can you say about zombies? Well, one thing you can say is that they’re everywhere. They’ve taken over the imagination of popular culture. They’ve segued from B movies to literature to television…I’m not sure if “literature” is the right word here. There are even zombie romantic comedies… something of a leap from lurching around eating people’s brains.

With the current trend of focusing on the warm, cuddly side of zombies it’s important to not lose sight of the ongoing downside of zombies, and there’s one downside that movies, television and books have been unable to explore. continued »

Remember the time that little mouse died behind one of your walls? Remember the smell? Pretty bad. I don’t really know how much a mouse weighs because I can never get my cats to drop their tragic, dismembered bodies on the bathroom scale, but I do know that zombies weigh a lot more. So if you take the stench/weight ratio of a tiny dead mouse and multiply it by the mouse/zombie weight ratio…I think you’re getting my drift here. That walking mass of decaying flesh, whether it’s trying to eat your brain, or wants to take you to the prom, has got to smell some god awful bad.

You just never thought of that before now because they haven’t invented SMELL-O-VISION yet. Lets hope they don’t in our lifetime, especially if you frequent zombie movies.

So, if a zombie calls you up and asks you for a date, try to remember that no matter how nice he or she seems, you can’t smell things through your phone …yet.

But, say what you will about the undead, you also have to say they’re nice and thin, supermodel thin.

Which brings me to my zombie inspired cookbook, that will soon be available on this website.

You say, of course, with all that decaying and lurching around zombies are going to be thin. But it’s more than that. Brains are high in protein and low in fat. Unless your in Washington, and then it’s the opposite.

So the secrets of a healthy zombie diet will be your ticket to being zombie thin for the rest of your death.

Order your book today!

Rating: 2.4/5 (132 votes cast)

I DO THAT TOO

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Carl Leonard of Milwaukee likes to walk around his apartment naked with the shades up. Carl doesn't mind if the NSA watches, "as long as they just look, no touching." Everyone else in the country has a little problem with getting spied on 24/7.

To hear the NSA's justification, it would seem that all this spying is being done to defend us from our enemies… you know… Germany, France, Spain, Great Britain.

Oddly, the leaders in those enemy countries are as uncomfortable with being snooped on as everyone here in the U.S. is, except of course, for Mr. Leonard. This seems to be creating some bruised feelings back at the NSA. continued »

"We're angry too. We have a former employee named Edward Snowden who's on a very long vacation in Russia… what up with that sh*t," explained a reliable source. Essentially, they're annoyed at him for doing to the NSA what the NSA has been doing to the rest of the world. So, you can't blame them.

At first Mr. Snowden was viewed as a rat and a traitor. Now, the worse the NSA looks, the better Snowden does. Recent polls show that among Democrats Snowden is considerably more popular than Ted Cruz and among Republicans he is way more popular than Harry Reid. In other words, Snowden could probably be president in 2016 if he comes back to the United States, and they don't throw him in jail till the end of time.

So, watch out Hillary and whomever.

One can hope that as long as we're spying on our buddies in Europe, that we're spending a little more effort spying on our buddies in the Middle East. At least our allies in the West have common goals, like making the world a better, safer place. In the Middle East the only thing that distinguishes our "buddy" brutal despots and medieval monarchies from our "enemy" brutal despots and medieval monarchies, is whether they play ball with us or not. That's it. None of them have anything but their own self-interest and picking U.S. taxpayer's pockets in mind.

It's just that some of them are our buddies.

So, hey, let's listen in on the Saudi's for a while.

Rating: 2.6/5 (138 votes cast)

MAKING FRIENDS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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It seems that a lot of folks are ticked off at us lately. Not you and me personally…the United States of America and our spy guys at the NSA.

I was going to list all the people and nations who were ticked off at us but I started and found there wasn't enough room on the internet. So I decided it would be easier to just list all the people who weren't ticked at us.
See, that didn't take up much room at all! And, as a matter of fact, the list of people who aren't mad at us is the same as the list of people we aren't spying on… still not taking up much space.

George Orwell probably thought when he wrote his prescient book 1984 that, because he had clearly warned everyone, it would never happen. SURPRISE! It just took us a little longer to get our technology together. continued »

We now have an unprecedented ability to gather information. Considering the stuff I can dredge up on this computer, I'm not remotely surprised. What surprises me is that the NSA can find people to look at all the information they gather while sleazing around. I mean…BORING! The NSA is more than welcome to all the information they can dig up about me… it would be a lot like taking sleeping pills… ZZZZ

Maybe the NSA could somehow justify all of this information gathering if they could make a few bucks off it to pay the country's bills.

I think it's called industrial espionage. We could steal big business secrets from abroad and then sell them for huge amounts of money to big businesses here…the ones that get around paying taxes anyway. And if you're big oil or something like that, you get government subsidies while you're avoiding taxes.

So we pay down the national debt by helping big businesses screw each other.

Everyone likes to see giant corporations get screwed…they do it to us every day. Lets just make a couple bucks helping them screw themselves.

Rating: 2.5/5 (142 votes cast)

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