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ONLY 23 MORE DAYS OF HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT TILL CHRISTMAS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Now that Black Friday has come and gone, those Americans left standing are pausing to give thanks. Randy Bowlting, spokesperson for retailers in the greater Brattleboro (Vt.) area, announced that local merchants claimed record sales with K.I.A.'s (killed in action) and collateral damage being lower than expected. "I believe we can thank the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) for that," Bowlting enthused.

2013 is the first year that Black Friday has been administered and sanctioned by the UFC. UFC Vice President of Operations, Lane Dingham, commented, "The baby Jesus did a great job running the show for a couple millennia and, of course, we all remember Santa Claus, but times have changed and people have to change along with the times. continued »

The UFC is credited for bringing Mixed Martial Arts competitions to the United States and establishing rules and guidelines for homicidal maniacs trying to kill each other using any means at hand. Dingham feels, "We were a perfect fit for Black Friday, it was a same show different people sort of thing!"

The UFC is compiling footage from malls across America of shoppers body slamming and tasing each other for a Christmas Eve special that will be available on Pay Per View.
"We're hoping to bring the Black Friday shopping experience right into people's living rooms."

"Of course we're used to dealing with trained professionals but you'll be amazed at the skill sets of some of these women who only come out and compete once a year. We'll be holding some clinics in Vegas this summer, in the manner of other sports franchises, in which amateurs can work with MMA professionals to hone their skills. We feel that with more training we can offer Black Friday viewers a more sophisticated product but with fewer fatalities. We don't want to get into "snuff shopping"...yet."

Rating: 2.6/5 (132 votes cast)

ANYWHERE IT WANTS

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Yesterday two U.S. B-52 bombers flew into Chinese airspace. General J. Bernet explained, "There are a lot of people in the United States who want to know if you can see our money from that altitude."

There was no immediate response by the Chinese government, but a highly placed source is said to have indicated that, "It really wasn't a big deal because we keep all of America's money in the American banks we own."

Upon landing in Guam, pilot Wayne Bing confessed that, "I was apprehensive about the mission at first, but the wife urged me to go. She wanted me to keep an eye out for the best place to buy knock-off Gucci bags. Most people can't tell the difference!" continued »

China has created an "air defense identification zone" above some islands whose ownership it is disputing with Japan. The islands called "Diaoyu" in China, "Senkaku" in Japan and "Those Goddamn Islands With Unpronounceable Names" in the U. S., are located between Japan and the Chinese mainland.

Tensions in the region are a big deal to the U.S. because we are obligated by treaty to defend Japan if it is attacked. Presumably the treaty is mutual and Japan is obliged to defend us if they attack us….like before…you know.

China is claiming that the islands are theirs because Japan snatched them up in the late 1800's when Japan was snatching up a lot of stuff. Japan's posture is that if China didn't fancy them snatching up their islands in the 1800's…the 1800's would have been the time to gripe about it.

For the last year paramilitary Chinese ships have been making regular incursions into the disputed waters.

The world community is currently trying to figure out what a "paramilitary ship" is.

In an unofficial communiqué to Washington, Chinese officials are suggesting that we might want to relax on this issue, as they may consider creating air defense zones over all the property it owns in the U.S.

"You guys don't really want to be traveling by Greyhound for the foreseeable future, do you?"

Rating: 2.6/5 (135 votes cast)

ONE HAPPY TURKEY

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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The fate of Native Americans, land grabbing white guys and turkeys have now been forever bound to the quest for bargains on Thanksgiving, the most uniquely American of holidays.

It wasn't too long ago that the only choice for after meal activities for Pilgrims and Indians alike was to lie on the couch and watch the game, or lie on the couch and sleep off the meal. Okay, you could interface with relatives you haven't laid eyes on since the previous year, but that's a poor option and not recommended. One thing you could count on was that NOTHING would be open if you ventured out. You'd have a hard time finding an open gas station in an emergency. Sure all hell would break loose on Friday, but Thursday you were safe. continued »

Now as the run up to Thanksgiving gains momentum, the anticipation for black Friday has been diminished due to the fact that November has become a month of Fridays. The sales have already started and greed is abroad in the land. If you were hoping to put off the crazed shopping lust till the day after Thanksgiving, too bad… November has become a month of Friday the thirteenths.

Hopefully, grandma was able to get to the grocery store and score a turkey between trips to the mall…if she had any money left. If you're a retailer, every day is a good day to get your hand into the pockets of eager shoppers, but there's something about the holidays that makes it special, so black Friday has become black November.

Thanksgiving is supposed to have us dwelling on images of Pilgrims and Indians (that's what we used to call them) sitting around having a swell meal. Since turkeys are indigenous to the part of the world where the meal took place, we assume that they were on the menu, hence, the seasonal turkey slaughter. The turkeys are glad that we're not having bird for dinner every day this month the way we're supposed to be shopping every day.

In Washington D.C. each year the President "pardons" one turkey. The turkey this year, a bird named Marjorie, expressed her gratitude and pointed out that her being spared was more than the Indians did for the 7th Cavalry at the Little Big Horn… thus giving the current administration the moral high ground over the savages that we herded onto reservations so we could steal their land.

No one knows what really happens to the turkeys after the ceremonial "pardon." They're never seen running around the Whitehouse grounds, or in cages in zoos with signs saying, "Pardoned Turkey." Maybe they're on reservations with the other guests from the first Thanksgiving.

Perhaps we should put the NSA on this, they probably have the turkeys' cell phones bugged… along with the Indians and everyone else.

Rating: 2.4/5 (129 votes cast)

ROB = LINDSAY?

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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For several years now the United States has been the object of some very mean spirited international jealousy.

Sure, there are many things about the U. S. that other nations can envy, spectacular beauty, abundant natural resources, a great spy agency, stand up comedy. But what has turned the international community positively green was the fact that we are the only nation that has Lindsay Lohan. Why, with our abundance of blessings, did we end up with Lindsay on top of all that? Where's the fairness?

Lindsay has single-handedly kept the vapid celebrity magazine and low rent tabloid business alive during times when other industries were withering. Every nation in the western world has their own version of these publications…where's their Lindsay? continued »

The U.K. made a little run at it a couple years ago when that nice Prince Harry disabused the world of the notion that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a tragic bit of miscasting to send such a fundamentally decent person on a mission like that. Compared to Ms. Lohan, he wasn't even a talented amateur…it was embarrassing.

Bravely, a former colony to our north has taken up the challenge and the city of Toronto has offered its Mayor, Rob Ford, in the "we want a Lindsay too" sweepstakes.

Ford is no Prince Harry, and it would be an unfair apples and oranges type of thing to compare the two. We really, really, hope that we never see Rob Ford splashing around with bikini-clad hotties or in an extreme state of undress shooting pool, and I seriously doubt that the Prince has ever indulged in Ford's blackout drunk, crack puffing, type of wrongdoing.

But Ford does have a family thing going for him. So far neither Lohan's mom or dad have been nominated for the coveted stage parent of the year award, and similarly Ford's brother Doug seems to think that whatever Rob is up to is just fine.

The siblings share what a show business euphemism describes as "bad esthetics." Slobs built like bowling balls wouldn't be pejorative, simply descriptive. Say what you will about Lindsay, she enjoys pretty good esthetics…so far.

Everyone likes Canada and the people there, and we sure wish them luck with their own Lindsay Lohan…but if this is the best they can do, I hope they don't try to create their own Kim Kardashian.

Rating: 2.7/5 (125 votes cast)

DECK THE ROCK

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
TreetopsTattler.com

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Halloween is over. That means two things, cheap candy (if you don't buy it now, you'll be eating it next year…so PLEASE buy some) and the big Christmas push is on.

Thanksgiving you ask….what about Thanksgiving? Well, if you go into stores you'll notice that somehow we've leapfrogged right over that tragically non-commercial holiday. I suspect this is because even after two hundred years people haven't been able to figure out how to use it to sell stuff.

Thanksgiving and Christmas have one thing in common, both holidays make turkeys nervous. But everything that happens after Halloween is referred to as, "the holiday season" so I don't know why we don't just make it one big holiday. continued »

Christmas trees are arguably the most recognizable image of Christmas… why doesn't Thanksgiving have something like that?
Who started Thanksgiving…the Pilgrims. Where did the Pilgrims land…Plymouth rock. Why aren't there vacant lots all over the country gaily lit and selling Thanksgiving boulders? Take one home and decorate it, oops, don't set it down on the cat! After a while, you roll the colorful boulder out and replace it with the Christmas tree. Reuse the lights and stuff from the boulder.

Carols – how come there aren't countless sweet songs commemorating the Puritans braving a vast, angry, ocean to come to America and have the freedom to be sexually repressed and burn witches. There could be a Halloween tie in here!

Crèche's – those tiny nativity scenes depicting Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the animals in the manger. Thanksgiving could have little tableaus of the Pilgrims and Native Americans sitting down to a nice meal before we steal their land.

Thanksgiving could easily flow right in to Thanksgetting (Christmas) without missing a beat.

Tis the season… fa la la la la la la gobble gobble boo.

Rating: 2.8/5 (141 votes cast)

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