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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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Well, so much for global warming. It seems that a leading authority on climate change has turned out to be just as crazy as the climate change deniers… the dinosaurs died of old age and the ice caps aren't melting…they're shrinking.

John C. Beale, a Senior Policy Advisor at the Environmental Protection Agency, has pled guilty to defrauding the government out of about a million dollars… counting benefits.

While working for the EPA, Beale told his coworkers and superiors that he was an agent working with the CIA.

He wasn't.

I wonder if real CIA guys go around telling lots of people they're CIA guys? I know I'm a spy and I don't go around telling everyone.

It's interesting that no one at the EPA got suspicious of this fellow blabbing about his other job in the spy industry. continued »

Oh well, whacky bureaucrats keeping their eyes straight ahead and not rocking the boat.

In 2008 alone the guy collected $200,000 in salary and benefits along with first class airfares and stays at five star hotels.

He almost never went to work. At one point he didn't show up at his office for eighteen months.

On a personal note – now that Mr. Beale's job is open I'll be applying for it, he was the highest paid individual at the EPA. So I would appreciate a recommendation from you if I ask.

So this guy rarely showed up at the office with the excuse that he was running around on secret missions for the CIA, all the while collecting paychecks from the EPA. And it never occurred to his then boss Gina McCarthy, now head of the EPA, to suggest that if he was working for the CIA and not showing up at the EPA maybe he should… you know, try getting by on his CIA salary.

His lawyer says there's something wrong with him and he's seeing a shrink. Seems there's a few other people at the EPA who have something wrong with them.

The shrink says he's compelled to engage in risky behavior. It would seem that it wasn't all that risky for quite some time.

Your tax dollars at work.

Rating: 2.3/5 (233 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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"Imagine if you will" was a phrase that Rod Serling would often use to open episodes of The Twilight Zone. A good deal of imagination was indeed required, along with a healthy suspension of disbelief, because the sets were made out of plywood, corrugated cardboard and duct tape. You were watching a black and white TV, and the reception was often so bad you couldn't tell the bombing of Dresden from a pleasant stroll in the country.

Serling's weird tales often took the viewer into the future…the future made out of cardboard.

The future has been dealt with since the beginning of film. Remember that early movie, From the Earth to the Moon? A projectile is fired out of a huge cannon and it gets lodged in the eye of an appropriately disgruntled moon? continued »

Special effects have come a long way and now when that Alien starts exploding peoples' faces, instead of suspending disbelief, you have to keep telling yourself it's only a movie.
And instead of traveling at whatever speed a bullet travels at, we're zipping around the cosmos at the speed of light…FAST.

Oddly enough, one thing hasn't changed in all the futures that have been offered up to us over the years…flashlights. The future hasn't changed flashlight technology one iota in all this time. Maybe that's because flashlight technology hasn't changed in reality either. Sure you can summon up some kind of flashlight app on the smart phone that you use to take pictures, make movies and watch television. But the flashlight app is still, really, the same old flashlight.

Why are space guys that can travel at the speed of light using flashlights purchased at Wal-Mart in 2013?

Perhaps even worse are the contemporary crime dramas in which the good guys enter a pitch black room and, instead of doing what you and I have been doing ever since we could reach the light switch… TURNING IT ON …they whip out the tiniest flashlights in the world, the ones that produce about the same illumination as a single match.

Those flashlights might be perfect for freezing a mouse in its tracks, but to me, are a little underpowered for finding that huge homicidal maniac with the idling chainsaw (that they can't hear) lurking in the shadows.

Mostly I guess we were better off with those prop kerosene lanterns that, when lit, would illuminate an entire soundstage.

I want one of them when the power goes out.

Rating: 2.1/5 (212 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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In an unscheduled appearance God spoke to a stunned crowd at a Chippewa Falls (Wisconsin) skating rink.

Braving -8 degree temperatures the Deity announced that he was, "displeased with the way things were going down here."

As whispers and speculation rippled through the awestruck crowd, the Supreme Being, manifested in the form of a flaming hockey stick, suggested that, "he'd had enough."

While the assembled, smallish, throng waited to hear some new revelation about the Middle East or man's inhumanity to man or possibly reality TV, the hockey stick grew to a brilliance that had those present throwing themselves to the ground and shielding their eyes.

God spoke, "What up with this new Pope Francis being named Time Magazine's Person of the Year?"

The crowd gasped. continued »

Yahweh continued, "Right from the get-go I had this guy pegged as an Obama style pinko and then those crazy bastards at the Vatican give him the "big promotion" and now this!"

Insiders report that Jehovah got an urgent call from the German city of Limburg's Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz van Elst, known as "Bishop Bling."

Earlier this year the Pope had relieved Bling of his duties over the building, with church funds, of a 31 million € (euro) complex in the medieval city, that included a 2.9 million € residence for himself which held a 15,000 € bathtub.

Pope Francis has incurred the wrath of the rich and powerful since his election, with his humility, devotion to the poor and contempt for ostentation and wealth.

Vatican observers feel that with this appearance of God, the pontiff has taken ticking off the powerful about as far as possible.

God continued, "How come this new guy fired my bro Franz-Peter…we're supposed to have nice places?"

At that point a small boy dressed in goalie gear pointed out that 31 million € was 60,117,370,000 lire.

Upon hearing this revelation God roared, "Are you kidding? That's messed up… my bad, NEVER MIND!" in a voice so thundering that it cracked the ice in the rink and sent staff scrambling for Zambonis.

As the hockey stick began to fade it was heard muttering something about, "still not getting the euro thing."

Rating: 2.3/5 (227 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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The latest revelation resulting from the Edward Snowden leaks is that, apparently, the NSA is tracking everyones' movements at all times. I'm going to fix their wagon… I'm staying home.

Maybe if everyone stayed home they'd get bored and do something more useful than tracking when teenagers go to the mall to waste time.

Keeping track of where everyone is and where they're going has to be wildly time consuming, more than a full time job.

The Superbowl is probably a big vacation day at the NSA because most people are home. Those that aren't home are in bars, and that just about covers it. I hope the folks at the NSA have a good Superbowl Sunday…maybe find a bar to watch the game in, or spend some time with the family. continued »

I feel bad for the people tracking me. My life bores me, I can't imagine the ennui it must inspire in an observer. If it would help I'd just give them some kind of schedule and they could have a little more free time, get a little excitement in their lives. If a lot of people did that it might save the government some money. I understand there are money issues.

It could be a quid pro quo sort of thing. If we just go ahead and tell them where we're going to be, maybe when we can't find our car in that huge parking lot there'd be a number we could call and someone would tell us where the hell it is.

Or where we left our keys…they're not on the table in the hall!

As usual, when the government does something they know people aren't going to like they say it's for our own good, that they're protecting us.

Congress should create a government agency in charge of protecting us from the government.

The current head of the NSA is General Keith B. Alexander. He's stepping down in the spring, but maybe if everyone in the world writes him a letter with their schedules, from now to then he'll feel appreciated, or at least be too busy reading them to cause too much trouble.

Rating: 2.3/5 (223 votes cast)


By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,

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This week Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced that his company was entertaining the thought of delivering packages by drone.

To have a drone landing on your front lawn with your Victoria's Secret order you'd have to live within ten miles of one of Amazon's giant shipping centers. Of course, if you live within ten miles of where your order is, you could just run down there and pick it up yourself.

Nonetheless some people are freaking out over the idea of drones landing on their lawns.

I wonder if it's occurred to the freaking out people, that if they don't want drones delivering stuff to their lawns, all they have to do is not place an order.

Too easy. continued »

We've come to associate the term drones with those spaceship looking things that we use to vaporize terrorists in the Middle East. People have a somewhat negative opinion of drones because, apparently while vaporizing terrorists, we are also vaporizing a few of their neighbors…our bad.

But the term drone can really mean a number of different things. Technically I guess those remote control model airplanes that have been around for years are drones. The fact that people haven't been equipping them with guided missiles has kept their reputation fairly benign. Well…that's behind us now.

The drones that would be delivering your Amazon packages are helicopters. That technology is pretty advanced and is currently being used for all kinds of things, a lot of which involve video cameras. Hollywood uses them for spectacular effects shots and TV use them to cover sports and concerts and such.

Your neighbor can use one to get a load of the wife trying on that Victoria's Secret stuff the other drone delivered.

We might as well get used to drones, you can't keep cool technology like that down. The best thing would be to start building a fleet of your own. Equip them with everything from video cameras to flame throwers…you never know.

Rating: 2.2/5 (219 votes cast)

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